Given just to make another happy? I mean really not expecting something in return? Bullshit. We have 'altruism' mixed up with 'for the good of all'. If we really didn't want to be admired, thanked, kissed, congratulated, recognised, etc. for the things we do, we would do them anonymously. The recipient would never know the source, and we would feel good alone, not even needing to see the result; just happy from the pleasure of doing. But no... we do it and it's like an accident scene. We need to stick around and see something... a smile, shock, tears, whatever. We watch avidly, waiting for that moment their eyes connect with ours - and we see whatever emotion it is we're feeding off of. I'm not saying it's wrong. We all do it and both feel good about it, like for birthdays, Christmas, stuff like that. But don't call a spade a heart. We're humans, not angels, and there's almost always an agenda. I'm just saying, know thyself. And no, it's not easy. Our brains are very good at blocking out what we don't want to know and focusing on what we feel makes us better. But hey... reality doesn't change, we just twist it. If we look without the intent to make ourselves look better we'll find our real motives. If we want to, that is.
What was the point of all this? Just ranting/raving. And J. S., if you're reading this... This definitely includes misleading people and spending time with them in a place (a motel) that leads them to think one thing will happen when you know it won't. You say you went to talk, she thought you were going to have sex; and you claim you refused her, resulting in her leaving upset. So you really didn't do anything for her, and you ended up hurting her so you could masturbate your overgrown ego. I'd say that makes you a Bastard. But keep your head in the sand, it's your head.
Currently
listening
:
Death Magnetic
By
Metallica
Release date: 2008-09-12
I don't care if you like what I say or even what I do my life isn't yours to lead and I don't belong to you
So stop acting like you give a shit if something bad happens to me your real interest is control you pry to see what you can see
You think it's alright for you to play go to a motel to see what comes up but calling you out for being a tease is just me stirring jealousy up
It's not jealousy that makes me wonder if you're a man with enough integrity it's me looking out for my own life and not picking someone so wrong for me
So go ahead and play, little man be with whoever your heart desires just cross my name off that long list because I will not be with a liar
Time is the culprit the thief that stole you that stole my happy my dreamed-of future but hey maybe it did me a favor illusions are painful and blue I never did know for sure if there was a chance for breath or death it could have been stillborn a painful delivery of truth when all I wanted was fantasy but now the choice itself is gone as if it never existed dust and I find myself dreaming of mud somehow bringing loss to life but no that's just flimsy new built on ruins one city built on another's demise not for me I'd rather find a new place one unexplored by me before home
In the darkness of night where we Angels hide baptizing demons with innocent tears cried You will find should the light sway demons are us with wings ripped away...
Why is it there's always violence in my life? First as a child, then a young adult, and now now I value peace above all other things and it eludes me more than any other thing
Calmness, quiet, soothing sounds or silence I need a certain amount of either to function and when I don't get it I am not centered and when I am not centered I am not happy
I keep stating my needs so I am not ignored only to be met with temper and harshness I am close to walking away from it all and you don't seem to see my intent or my pain
No, I don't tell you how close I am to leaving you get violent over lesser things than that and I am not stupid enough to think you'll be calm or that you'll let me go with no problems for me
You'll spew wrath and violence like never before I can see it breathing heavily inside you sometimes and as much as I hate to admit it terrifies me, it does I know what you could do to me with no regrets
Me, or someone I love more than life or eternity I don't want to lower myself to that primal level but trust that you don't want to meet me there once roused I would not rest until you did... forever
Time has the answers to everything and he's a selfish old bastard it's not like I want to use it for gain I just want to know if he's out there
Maybe he was the one that died in the car wreck or the one who's friend accidentally blew his head off maybe he was the one who hung himself or the one I wouldn't touch due to his lifestyle
I don't know, you see, but I want to I want to know if I should bother hoping or if I should continue on my current path of locking shit up for the duration
There was always a window, or a door, open some way for someone to slip through but it was never the right someone so now I've closed all but one window
One small window, that I still view from it won't be pleasant to crawl through but if he wants inside my house he has to and I'll be there to help him through
Maybe I don't need to wrestle Mr. Time, after all this little window is okay with me it's not like anyone can slip in unseen and act like they belong there
I would still like to know if he's there, but I worry that if he is, he's down to one window too and we'll pass each other with windows out and never know...
I feel such hate, such ambivalence right now that I don't want to look at you, or talk to you I'm loathe to even give words to what I feel towards you You are nasty, violent, rude, and downright mean. You plunged your hand into my chest and grabbed my heart squeezed hard until I feared mortality, but not my own should there really be forgiveness for you from me? I hardly feel inclined to give it You intentionally violated a space within me that no one has a right to even touch a space that above all others, and despite life's hardships, remains pure Forgiveness? I don't know, I just don't know. Only time will have that answer.
OK, well, things always happen fast when your life changes, don't they? Yes, they do... And mine has been a whirlwind. *laughs* That's not always a bad thing, you know. Anyway, I'm not at the shelter anymore. I have an apartment, and a roommate, and a job. I do small/medium business hardware technical support for Dell computers. I make decent money, I'm just trying to crawl out of the hole still. lol. It'll come... Meanwhile, I am happy. Things aren't what I thought they would be, but they're still good, so that's all that matters to me. I knew I could be happy away from my husband, and I knew I could live again, and I am doing just that. That's what makes me so happy. I'll post some recent poetry on here one day. I love you peoples... You know who you are! *hugs*
cynical
mellow
giggly
I'll post some recent poetry on here one day. I love you peoples... You know who you are! *hugs*