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Ode to my K.C., DEAN
Current mood:  impressed
Category: Friends
ODE TO DEAN
Ok so, ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, my incredibly witty and talented cousin -Dean- graces us with a completed "myspace survey". NEVER boring and ALWAYS ENTERTAINING... I read them weekly, just to laugh at his crazy ass. ;)
So today... after reading through his archive, I felt the uncontrollable urge to share them with you (in case you aren't myspace friends) (OR if you ARE but missed these gems). Make sure you read all 4... and feel free to print them out for your coffee table at home (or for your bathroom). Just be sure to tell your friends, "Dean Franco, this brilliant dude on myspace, he wrote these, he's freaking amazing, man!" ;)
P.S. He's "Earl" on my page, if you want to tell him yourself ... what a talented and HOT (it's in our blood) goofball he is.
I LOVE YOU K.C.!! ;)
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08/25/08:
Do you like blue cheese?
I do.
The first thing I say when I see it is, "Hey buddy! What the hell do you have to be so sad about?"
Have you ever smoked?
I've gotten into a rhythm, but never had the stamina to start smoking. Next time I'll try flammable lube.
Do you own a gun?
No. But I do own aahh gun rack.
What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?
Green rocks! I love the taste of green.
Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
I am just a few years away from prostate exams.
You bet my a** I am nervous!
What do you think of hot dogs?
How hot? Like Lassie hot? Cause, I'd look twice at the right bitch.
Favorite Christmas Movie?
The Nightmare Before Christmas.
What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Vitamin E. (By the gallon = a great last night).
Can you do push ups?
I believe the term is 'WonderBra', and yes, yes I can. One handed.
What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
The jewelry Ann keeps leaving at my house. She found one on the floor in the hall last time she was here. Ask her about it.
Favorite hobby??
Feeling up surveys. Out. I meant feeling out. Oops. Filling. Yeah.
Do you have A.D.D.
?
I rarely drink, so I am usually a DD. (But I have Dyslexia, so I spell it DD).
What's one trait you dislike about yourself?
I was going to say 'indecisiveness', but now I'm not sure.
Middle name?
I not have one. Really.
Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
Dec.
26th, Confusing is confusing me, and that only Ann will get both of those…
Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Coffee like my gram, (sweet and white), Cranberry/pomegranate juice, and water.
Current worry?
That 'meeting the parents' is linked to blindness.
Current hate right now?
The Broncos.
Favorite place to be?
That one special place that gets me into so much trouble.
How did you bring in the new year?
As a DD for Rob and Amy. (SEE?!?) Had to drive to enjoy the spectacle of both of them drinking at the same time.
Where would you like to go?
Where everybody knows my name. And they're always glad I came.
Name three people who will complete this?
Patches. He is a survey whore.
(Brother, I know more about you than I ever thought possible)
Do you own slippers?
Ha-ha! YES! 2 pair! And they are both new cause I wear my aqua-socks instead.
What color shirt are you wearing?
A white wife-beater.
Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
I have honestly never tried it.
Ladies? Anyone own a set?
Can you whistle?
I can never run fast enough.
Favorite color?
Lemon-lime Kool-Aid. I like how green smells.
Would you be a pirate?
In the old days when it was cool, maybe. Nowadays it just means you have Limewire, and not even an eye patch can dress that train wreck up.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
Any duet.
Favorite girl's name?
Elizabeth Hurley
Favorite boy's name?
Elizabeth Hurley's boy toy. Call me that anytime.
What's in your pocket right now?
Ann lent me some sunshine. A pocketful.
Last thing that made you laugh?
The look on the face of the lady at Wal-Mart with a kid in her basket when I asked which aisle she found him on. And if she had a coupon. And how to tell when they're ripe.
What vehicle do you drive?
One time Gus woke up and saw Ruby's Jag in the driveway.
He asked what it was doing there, so I said, "Happy Birthday!"
Worst injury you've ever had?
Getting hit in the boys can actually make you puke. Really.
Do you love where you live?
Yes. In the same room my parents once loved in. Different bed.
How many TVs do you have in your house?
2. I would have 3 but my projector keeps spending the night at Ann's. Outside.
Who is your loudest friend?
I miss her! Haven't seen her in forever. I mean, NOT Danielle.
Do you have any pets?
Yes. I named it Peeve.
Does someone have a crush on you?
Again, for the record, only the Mafia, but it is more of a 'squeeze'.
What is your favorite book?
Fox in Socks. I love reading that book.
Do you collect anything?
Only phone calls. (Funny, anyone under the age of 25 will not get that joke).
Favorite Sports Team?
The Oakland Raiderettes.
They are a team, right?
What song do you want played at your funeral?
Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida. The extended version.
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50 Off The Wall Questions
1. What Curse Word Do You Use The Most ?
I have a bad habit of dropping the EFF bomb. I am trying to be a better person and say things like, "PISS!" instead. Pray for me.
2. Do You Own An Ipod?
No. I am a virtual juke box and so I just sing whatever I want to hear. Elevators are nice because you get backgroung music and most of those songs never had words in the first place so it doesn't matter if you make it up as you go along. Plus I think the songs are happy to get the attention.
3. What Person On Your Top Friends Do You Talk To The Most?
Alabama and Karen. They won't leave me alone. Danielle isn't talking to me, and I am letting her think I don't like that.
4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
The speaker broke, and it sounds really creepy when it goes off. It doesn't have music, just that chirp, and now it sounds like a rodent painfully caught in a trap with the added bonus of laryngitis. I just use it to know when TV shows start. I don't watch them, but it is nice to know that their radiation is passing through the atmosphere at that time.
5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
I don't like falling PERIOD, so I guess not. I hurt my knee yesterday at Karen's on a ONE-INCH HIGH STEP!
6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
I only wore them to the pool, and since the Y says no shoes on the deck at all, I leave them at home to flirt with my aqua-socks.
7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
Take a picture. I would take one of this kid with really cool hair at Arby's. My hair is gone, however. I had to cut it because I looked like a character from DragonBall Z.
8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
Brother Bear II. Ryan had a buddy over for the weekend, and I found out I am a bad dad for the stuff that I let him watch. I guess My Name is Earl -IS- for bigger kids, but it's effing funny. (PISS!)
9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Yes. And some of them get knocked up and don't tell me. ME! Buttheads.
10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Yes. I had a comeback ready to fire, but I figured, 'Why bother?'.
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
Nope. I do enjoy a nice cup of tea, though. I used to take a script, but why pay when it wasn't helping? I just sleep when I am tired, day or night, and work when I can't sleep, day or night.
12. What CD Is Currently In Your CD Player?
Pink Floyd. I am due to burn some new discs.
13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk ?
Regular. The sweetened kind is absolultely usless as nutrition and makes it better if you haven't had anything.
14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
Yes. And don't worry about telling me about the spare key under the mat, Karen. My lips are SEALED!
15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
I got a gift card from one of my baseball players, and loved it. I won't pay for the crap myself.
16. Can You Whistle?
Only while I work. do-do-do-do-de-do
17. Last person to tell you they loved you?
Ryan. He is the most loving best friend I ever had. And I can send him to his room if he isn't.
18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
I hope so, but I think I am a little too boring and that there must not be much to talk about. I plan to fix that by walking around with my zipper down for the afternoon.
19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
No. I just watched them as me. Yesterday. In pajamas.
20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
The Forbidden Zone. If you know what I am talking about then you know that I am not bragging.
21.Have You Ever Done The Dirty In A Field?
Yes. Girls are so dirty that way. (At least I wasn't alone like Scratch Mckinney. Ask Uncle Andy about that one).
22. Last person you hugged?
Ryan. Before that was Frankie up in Seattle.
23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
I have a Jesus shirt with the ring-neck and sleeves. Much cooler. It says, "Jesus Saves...when he orders at Shorty's press".
24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
Caesar from Carraba's. Sassy!
25. Is Anyone In Love With You?
Effin (PISS!) Kanoo won't stop calling even though I said I'm not like that.
26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Sister-in-law rocks. Then again, I don't really use any so I don't think I am a huge burden. If I make a mess, I clean it up.
27. Ever Cry In Public?
Yes. (Since I rent my house out as a museum EVERYWHERE is now public.
28. Are You On A Desktop Computer Or A Lap Top?
Laptop. No going back now.
29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo?
Got some ideas. I am a slow, deliberate thinker when it comes to ink.
30. Whats The Weather Like?
Great! It is so nice outside that I spent the morning waking up the ants in the pile in my backyard as a practical joke. When they came out rubbing their eyes I shouted, "Just Kidding!".
31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
I like some on girls, but I dislike ones that look like there was no thought put into them. And I hate cliches.
32. What Did You Do Before This?
I was the bell puller at a cathedral in a small northern Italian town. I wore rags and ate scraps from behind the inn. C'mon- we all can't have been royalty.
33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
I live on the air mattress in the front room. Best movie seat in the house. Thanks Alabama! You rock!
34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
18-20.
35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
No. I am on an installment plan and eat only a couple times a month. I just have no morning appetite.
36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
Everyone who knows me can get up off the floor from laughing. It wasn't THAT funny of a question.
37. Do You Pay Attention To The Calories In The Package/Box?
Always. What is the point of indulging if you don't have any idea exactly HOW bad you are being?
38. Do You Use Sarcasm?
I prefer to ration it so that it can be used over and over. The best are the small doses that the person you are addressing don't catch, but the person in line behind you, (whom you don't know), is trying not to let show because they have to deal with the genius next.
39. Know the difference between Abercrombie and Abercrombie & Fitch?
Abercrombie was nothing until the eccentric and flambouyantly gay life partner Fitch came along. It was unfortunate that his first name was Mitch, though.
40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
I have sent hotties packing over the issue of to, two, and too. You know who you are. And so do you.
41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Yes. I was in line at the log ride in San Antonio when a structural beam came crashing down on the Rattler! (The largest wooden roller coaster at the time). That is the one roller coaster that almost made me black out with G forces. The rest is not my cup of tea, as I am a tight bastard.
42. Where is your cell phone?
On the table next to my laptop. No one calls or texts anymore.
43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
Chicks. Got some good guy friends, but I am most comfortable with broads.
44. Do You Like Mustard?
Not since I found out that cutting it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach Or Back?
I plan to tape myself to find out, but I suspect that the data will be corrupt since I will know I am doing it. Showing off for the camera and all.
46. Do You Watch The News?
NO. I get my T-mobile updates every morning and follow up interesting things on the web. At least there no one lies to you about the fact that they are reporting with a hidden agenda. And you can find BOTH sides of a story if you look around.
47. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
I got my hernia scar when I was in 2nd grade. I was out of school for a whole week, and my Aunt Barb took me to the Duckworth's and bought me a toy. When I got back to school I dropped trou and showed my scar to the whole class. (I kept the twig and berries covered, but the teacher still called my parents).
48. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
Myself. I have goals and I hate when I lose sight of them. As for you others, you are under no obligation to keep me happy, so how can I judge you for being born a retard?
49. Do You Like Anybody?
Yes, but not gonna happen. Such is life.
50.What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Mocha Chill at Arby's to surf their free Hi-Speed Wireless. Giving me a tummy ache.
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Dean's Survey 1
1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'11"
2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
NO WAY!! Much better dropped in the eyeballs.
3. Do you own a gun?
I own 2. Both shoot BB's.
4. Who's your best friend?
Ryan. We think alike, which is a little concerning to me, since he is 8.
5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
Is that a euphamism for masturbating? Cause, no. I am right at home in the old self love department. If not, forget everything I just said.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Lips and assholes. I don't like 'em.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Feliz Naviblah. That or 'Do you see what I see?'
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Bombay Sapphire Martini.
9. Do you do push-ups?
Not at the moment. I think I am on the verge of a breakthrough with my 'fast food/no excercise' diet. If I hold on just a little bit longer...
10. Have you ever done ecstacy?
The stripper? No. She and I have a special relationship; I see her as a pair of boobs with no head and she sees me as an ATM.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My platinum grill where each tooth is shaped like a domino.
12. Do you like painkillers?
Hard to say. (That is a side effect, along with dizziness, nausea, headaches, pain, and diarreah).
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Humility. I can't say enough about my humility.
14. Do you own a knife?
Answer a question with a question: Am I Mexican?
15. Do you have A.D.D.?
Of course no... HEY! WANNA GO RIDE BIKES?
16. Middle Name?
Actually, to answer my question in number 14, yes, I am Mexican. My parents were too poor to afford one, so I have no middle name. Really.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1) If they knew what I did at work I would be fired.
2) I could go for a little "meet the parents".
3) I can't believe I get to golf on Friday.
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today:
1) Condoms
2) Fireworks
3) Southern Comfort
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink..
Water, fire water, and ZIMA
20. What time did you wake up today?
I don't know. I refuse to look at the clock until it calls me. That way I might only have 3 minutes to sleep, but they are MY 3 minutes.
22. Current worry?
Dateline NBC-"To Catch a Predator"
23. Current hate?
Everyone in the AFC West who is not the Raiders. Do you ever notice how even the Broncos have Silver and Black Donkey jerseys? Lame-ass wannabees.
24. Favorite place to be?
Meeting some nice girl's "parents".
25. Least favorite place to be?
Actually meeting some girl's parents.
26. Where would you like to go?
To Rio de Janiero. Or Cleveland.
27. Do you own slippers?
Yes. But I don't wear them. I bought them for a Halloween costume last year.
28. What shirt are you wearing?
Green long sleeve.
29. Do you burn or tan?
TAN. And I have the lines to prove it.
30. Favorite color(s)?
Silver and Black. Duh.
31. Would you be a pirate?
Ya. Look at the cool role models: Captain Jack Sparrow, Cap'n Crunch, and Al Davis.
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
I honestly don't remember. That is, if you don't count breakfast.
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
"Only the Lonely", and "Titanic"
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
The urge to pee. I was a lazy child, and, well....
35. What is in your pockets right now?
Phone/Keys/Pen. I have no idea where my damn wallet went.
36. Last thing that made you laugH?
Danielle saying she is NOT competitive with a straight face.
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
First set that wasn't plastic.
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Tore the 'ol ACL in my left knee 90 percent of the way through. In medical terms: I was facing forward and I could see the back of my ski.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Five. That I know of. I don't go in all the rooms.
41. Who is your loudest friend?
I know who the "Not Quietest" is. She knows, too.
42. Who is your most silent friend?
Danielle.
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
No, but the mob has the squeeze on me.
44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
As in being able to shoot them? Yeah, I guess. I would start with Kanoo Reeves and work my way to Juliette Lewis' house.
45. What is your favorite book?
The Crystal Cave by Mary Stewart. If you don't take anything else I say seriously, take this one. She was great.
46. What is your favorite candy?
Heath Bars.
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
This is actually a funny story. We didn't know we had to pick a tune until we were marching down the aisle in Vegas, and so I picked "I Will Always Love You" as done by Whitney Houston. I just liked the way it sounded, but I didn't know what the words meant. Looking back, it was kind of a bad choice for a wedding, but made the wedding video amusing after the divorce.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Inna Godda Davida. The extended version.
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
"Parents". Hello.
50. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up?
"I can't believe it is noon", then "Work better not find out", followed by "Hello, Parents!".
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Dean's Finish the sentence:
1. My ex is still...the mother of my son. I can see her face in his, and sometimes that is a hard thing. At the same time, he is so beautiful, that I must have done a good job at some point in choosing her.
2. I am listening to...Siouxsie and the Banshees
3. Maybe I should.... work on the PowerPoint I have to do in a few hours.
4. I love...the little line that goes up the back of fishnet stockings.
5. My best friend(s)....are next to my heart. One rides in a flask, the other in a holster.
6. I don't understand....Arabic. Or what they say at the beginning of that Def Leppard song.
7. I lost...my marbles. I think it was at the same time that puberty found me. It was like, one or the other, and guess what won?
8. People say...not to spook cattle or the milk will be sour.
9. The meaning of my screen name is...that I love that show.
10. Love is....finishing some morsel of food that your kid puts into your mouth with a smile on your face, even though you really want to gag and throw up all over the place.
11. Somewhere, someone is....holding someone's head under the covers after letting out an unholy fart.
12. I will always...remember the Alamo.
13. Forever seems...to be the time between when you come and she goes. JK- Old joke, but I had to do it!
14. I never ever want to...speak in absolutes ever again. And I mean it 100%.
15. My cell phone is... a little trooper that can take a fall and still get 17 bars of reception at Sneaker'z.
6. When I wake up in the morning...am glad I don't have anyone to complain about dragon-breath, mine or theirs.
17. I get annoyed when...I can't open a DVD package because I just cut my nails and the scissors or a knife are WAY over there...
18. Parties are...fun until people cross that invisible idiot line. Funny thing is that the change from entertaining to annoying is not recognized by physicists as faster than the speed of light, but it is.
19. My pet(s)....are soft and gentle. Oh, wait. You mean animals that I keep in captivity. In that case, -can swim, and eat bugs.
20. Kisses are the best when...they are long and slow. If your tongue flicks faster than a hummingbirds wings then hit the road, Flicka.
21. Today I...put off everything I can till number 22.
22. Tomorrow I will...procrastinate, rinse, repeat. I bet I can stretch giving my mom that Mother's Day card till Christmas.
23. I really want...to meet someone whose idea of fun is cleaning up after me. I mean, really. Wouldn't that be cool? Not OCD or anything, but just a June Cleaver with fishnet stockings and habit of making dinner with nothing but an apron on. And who looks good in a baseball cap.
24. My Boyfriend/Girlfriend......should never meet aformentioned June Cleaver person.
25. My friends would say...."Wow! You are really lucky to have such a clean house! Where do you find the time?" -or- "You know, I realize that we just had dinner, but I can't for the life of me remember what we ate.".
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My Top Three Myspace Women
Alabama, Karen, and DamnYell- My Top 3 Chicks
Body: Girls - look at your top 3 boys listed on your Myspace
Guys - look at your top 3 girls listed on your Myspace
- Don't change them!!
- Enter their names in order under "list your top 3"
- Be honest
- Repost this so your friends can do it too.
Here's how it goes:
List your top 3:
1-Ann
2-Melanie
3-Danielle-uh
1. Are you older than number 1?
Got 'em all beat
2.Who did you comment last?
I think I commented Mel.
3. How did you meet number 2?
I had seen her around, but the first time I talked to her was at school. She was in, like, the first grade. I walked up to her and said, "Hi, Karen." and she didn't miss a beat in responding, "Hi Bill". Been a lot of improv ever since. (Including MelDini's at Puff Chang's).
4. If you were crying would 3 cheer you up?
No. She would kick me in the ass and tell me to get over it. But she would use her excellent people skills and lower her voice from its normal register.
5.Who can you talk to the easiest?
All three have their subjects that I look to them for inspiration, but Ann is my confidante.
6. Is 1 your best friend?
Yeppers. I would have never had the relationship with the other two, (and many others), if it wasn't for Ann.
7. Have you hugged anyone in your top 3 girls/boys?
Of course!
8. Who have you known the longest?
Ann. (Cause she is almost as old as me).
9. Who have you known the shortest?
DamnYell. But not by very much-
10. Who did you talk to on AIM or msn or yahoo or Icq with last?
Alabama. Ann and I talk a little almost every day. Makes the days go by much easier. And she is funny as hell.
12. Have you kissed any of your Top 3 guys/Girls?
Yes. (Our family is close that way. Might explain some of the crossed eyes on a couple of branches of the 'ol family tree).
13. Have you ever been inside the homes of anyone of your top 3?
All of them ...
14. Whos the most awkward to be around?
Mel. I think when I am on martini binges she enjoys the entertainment and lets me have too many just to see what will happen next.
16. Are you taller than number one?
Little bit.
17. Have you ever been to the movies with number 3?
Yes. Last one was Pirates of the Caribbean 2, and we were in the dreaded front section. Neck cramps from hell.
18. Have you ever gone out with any one of them?
It is like I am married to all three; I end up driving, I am always poorer for the experience, and there is no sex. So I hit on their friends.
19. Who's most likely to repost this?
Two of them posted it already, so I just need to hear what Danielle has to say.
20. Least likely?
Danielle, but only because the other two already did it. Weren't you listening? Sometimes I feel like I am talking to myself. Did you do your homework?
21. Is any of your top 3 family?
They are all my familia. You too, probably. (My family gets around).
IF YOU ARE A GIRL, REPOST THIS AS MY TOP 3 MEN
IF YOU ARE A BOY, REPOST THIS AS MY TOP 3 WOMEN
The end
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In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
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Release date: 1990-10-25
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