It has been awhile, I know. Thoughts have come and gone; I've tried to write, but nothing has seems of relevant to write or nessisary or important. This may not be important enough to write but it seems important enough to publish. MySpace has always been an outlet for thoughts, theories or other types of ideas:
I was reading the Hyperlink to New York Times today, when I saw an article about a accusation Sarah Palin was making about Barak Obama. In the article she responds to an article in the Times that asserts that Obama has political ties to a 60's extremist activist. In the article she says that "Obama is palling around with terrorists--indeed, she charges Obama with terrorism. Unfortunate as this is, it isn't what struck me the most. What did however was when she said, "This is not a man who sees America as you see it, and how I see America." She asserts that America is a certain way and Obama is clearly not with the program. She rules any possibility but her cliche conservationism that reeks of Reagen. She later says that America is "the greatest force for good in this world" and as a "beacon of light and hope for others who seek freedom and democracy."
My heart broke when I read this article--the beacon of light and hope? Can we honestly say that we are arrogant enough to promote a woman that says we are the light of the world? The hope of all democracy? Can we honestly support a person that is so blind to say that we are the greatest force for good in the world?
I cannot say that Obama is the saint and Palin is the devil--but I cannot say that she ( for that matter, McCain) is my hope for the Nation, let alone the world. The Romans had a phrase: Fiat Iusta Pereat Mundus, which means Let Justice Be Done Even If the World Perishes. The Roman's idea of peace and order was to destroy enough of the enemy and country side to squelch any resistance--in other words, fight, kill and destroy until they are unable. Peace is in the Tomahawk missile, I mean sword.
Certainly, another way is possible. I don't know that Obama is one that is going to usher it in (consider this mysterious messianic aura that follows him) and I know that Palin and McCain are not the answer either. When Augustus saw that his empire was falling apart, he decided to take Rome back to its core values: the family. The family in Rome was the building block of life, control the thoughts of the family and you control the Empire. Indeed, the same is with our Empire. Control our thoughts: economics, politics, values, and they control our votes and dreams and hopes. I wish I could turn my TV off and live a different way; I certainly I'm trying too.
Shit is shit, no matter how much chocolate is on it. I haven’t thought about Easter at all this week, partly because I’ve been thinking about myself, and partly because I’m reluctant to think about it. I’m reluctant because it is supposed to be a time of remembrance. A time when Jesus’ ministry, authority, kingship was fully expressed. I’m struggling because the message that I keep hearing about easter isn’t the message that is resonating in my heart.
Sin. Death. Salvation. Heaven.
Is there more? Or is this how we summed up entire work of God? Can we honestly say that this is it? this is the message we are living our lives for? Salvation for us? Living our lives for Heaven? We live for heaven like it actually exists.
I think there’s something more. I think it starts with Jesus. I think it continues with Jesus. I think we’re apart of it. I know we’re not the most important part.
What happened to love? I’m struggling. I can’t let go, I can’t move on. Either I love to much, or I don’t love at all-- I’m not quite sure which.
Can we talk about this?
.daniel.
Currently
reading
:
The Cost of Discipleship
By
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Release date: 01 September, 1995
Sometimes I feel like I just need a hug, a silent embrace that let's me know its okay to feel. Sometimes I feel so alone and helpless that I just need an embrace, a simple gesture from some one that screams of acceptance and appreciation. Today is one of those days.
Every once in awhile there are moments in which you are with some one and everything feels right. You sit in silence, and you know that there is something good happening. Indeed, these silent moments are the ones that drive us; they cause us to feel uncomfortable, yet at ease. These moments are quiet moments, they force to be with another person, and they force us to be with God, they force us to be with ourselves. These moments are vital to our existence, they cause the music, the T.V., the online networking to stop and allow us to connect with something important. I think that that is a form of love: a willingness to be so uncomfortable in silence but yet so vulnerable to remain in it, to experience the uncomfortable together.
I find myself these last few weeks looking for that kind of connection, that willingness to be in silence. But when I find myself alone in silence I become uncomfortable, drowning in my thoughts, self pity, melancholy, and unhappiness. Today is one of those days. I feel helpless. I feel alone. I long for that silence with myself, another, and God. I hesitate to let you in to what I'm thinking, or feeling because you don't really want to know what I think or feel. I feel alone, helpless, with your direction and without cause. Indeed, I would go as far to say that I fear that God is unable to do anything. But am I limiting God's ability to help, to love?
Brennan Manning said that the true disciple of God knows that God's love cannot be limited to our theology or philosophy, ethics or moral codes, fundamentalisms or traditions. He says that we are forced in to a connection with God; His love pierces the deepest parts of our hearts and souls and fills us with something indescribable and good. I feel alone and helpless; sometimes I feel like I am unable to move on, that my days are filled with keeping me insane. But some how, I feel like I am so alone that I am closing myself off and limiting God's ability to inspire and reveal himself.
There are moments in our lives when we are forced to be in silence, when we are forced to be alone. This is my moment, this is my awkwardness… and I'm terrified. I fear the silence, the helplessness, the lack of direction; but, I hope that I am able to open myself up to allow the silence to reveal the God, the connection, that I am full desperation.
If you know anything about me, you will know that I have done things and said things that were "un-American" to say the least. As a junior in high school i began to pledge my allegiance to the Creator God rather than to the United States. As a senior i rejected the anthem and questioned the war, and "just war theory" in general. I praised Gandhi, Bonheoffer and King for their efforts in pacifism and non-violence; even now i consider myself apart of the struggle for equality and justice, and I still think that violence for the sake of violence is vain.
I am only twenty years old but there is something resonates in me that is apart of the struggle humanity. I am only twenty years old, bu there is something in that wants to be apart of the fight for something better, for something more meaningful for something more significant. I believe that another world is possible, a world beyond violence and oppression. I believe that there is world full of peace and harmony. I believe that optimism and idealism can over come pessimism and realism. I believe that we as a people that live in the United States have a responsibility to promote peace and love, non violence and freedom.
I do not believe that i am an American. I do not believe that I can be defined by specific political party. I do not believe that this mess of a war is possible to show another world is possible. I don not believe that I am able to come up with the answers. I believe that the Church has failed in providing justice and equality to ALL people. I believe that the Government has failed in providing justice and equality. I believe we as a people, in the entire world, are looking for something that will answer the question: Where are we to go now?
I do believe that as followers of Jesus, we are responsible to give an apology and responsible to begin to ask tough question about how we are able show that another world is possible.
I believe that this election is going to begin show us who we are; that is, if we are a people of repetitive violence, or, a people yearning for something better for something more. As for me, this is why I voted:
.daniel.
Currently
listening
:
Unfamiliar Faces
By
Matt Costa
Release date: 22 January, 2008
And this is life; this is what it has come to: another cup of coffee, another heart break and another lesson.
The day was beautiful: blue skies and warm weather; the kind of day that deserves ultimate Frisbee, or a simple nap. I on the other hand, my day was spent occupying my time so I wouldn't have to stop and think. Indeed, it would be an understatement to say that my mind was on other things.
I parked in the Best Buy parking lot, it was full of people all wanting to do the same thing that I did: become distracted by consumption. I parked, got out of my car, and started to walk in to store, when I thought to myself: something is missing. Of course, I figured this was some sort of philosophical inquiry. Something like Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy when Deep Thought was asked what the meaning of life was. To me, it wasn't as simple as 42. It was deeper, it was something that I hadn't asked myself or wanted to ask in a long time.
What was missing? I must have been avoiding this question for sometime, because it completely puzzled me.
I walked into the store and made a beeline towards the stereo equipment to by a tape cassette for my iPod. Money couldn't be the thing I was missing—I haven't had any for a long time and I'm making it…relatively. No, this is something more meaningful than money.
At church that day I had realized that there was something missing me and the Creator God. I had forgotten what I had learned in the past, what I had learned in Washington. It seems like the last few months have been a daze, a brief moment in time that I can hardly remember. I suppose life is kind of like that daze, distant and brief but cherished when disappeared. Although I have been forgetting to thank the Creator God for the good things in life this was not the thing that was missing.
I bought my cassette adapter, gave my receipt to the door watcher, and walked to my car. The day was still beautiful, the sky was still clear, the weather was still warm and pleasant, and my keys were still in my ignition.
Yes, my deep philosophical question was not philosophical question at all. My mind had been so preoccupied that I locked my keys in my car. I called my dad, and he opened my car. My soul searching and reflection had been in vain, but nonetheless, it was vital.
But this is kicker is this: Two hours after that, I locked my keys in my car again.
This is life; life is messy. There are times in out lives when even our own absent mindedness causes us to stop and reflect on what is happening in our lives. The next time you have this kind of absent mindedness, slow a little bit down and reflect on what is happening, not just in the moment, but in life.
When did life get to be so hard? When did it get to be so confusing?
I've been here before, but this time its different; I've been here before, but this time it means something more. I don't know if love is enough, I don't know if it can be something that inspires and moves like I thought it once did. I don't know if it can do what I thought it could do. I don't know if it is able to last like I thought. It isn't just found in romantic comedies, it isn't just found in the Bible, it isn't just a chemical reaction in the brain, and it isn't just a construct to describe irrational feelings. I don't know if it is enough right now, I don't know if it is sufficient right now.
Things are different. I don't know if optimism can win this one, its going to take a little more love.
I'm almost positive that we are in this life by chance.
I'm almost positive that we are in this life by divine purpose.
I've been really emotional lately, and its killing me. I'm not sure what to do; I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure how to act; I'm not sure how to love. I thought myself this week: I'm giving up on emotion, not more emotions for me! I'm going to be emotionally bankrupt. After thinking about that I came to this: No, I'm going to keep my emotions, I'd like to be human.
**I know this is confusing. I know that my thoughts are everywhere, that's because my thoughts are everywhere. Recently, they've been settling, but they are still everywhere. My heart is kind of everywhere. My emotions are kind of everywhere.
To you Love: My love is not a construct, it is not a chemical reaction. It is a commitment, filled with emotion, and filled with reason, filled with faith, and filled the Creator God himself. I'm trying my best, I'm trying my hardest to do give you what you need right now.
.daniel.
Currently
listening
:
O
By
Damien Rice
Release date: 10 June, 2003
"You look like you're going somewhere important," the old fragile man said to the boy. Sitting in his wicker chair, which must have been crafted by hand, the old man was frail, filled with arthritis and covered in wrinkles. Crusty and senile, he had a strange look on his face—mischievous but compassionate.
"I am" the boy replied. It was obvious that he was annoyed by the old man's comment. He was wearing his fitted skinny jeans, tight shirt and black hoodie which covered his head but allowed the bill of his hat to sneak away from his face. He was trendy at best. His face looked rough, maybe worried, but definitely cold and harsh. "Why do you care where I'm going? What's it to you?" he replied again. He continued to walk, ignoring the old man.
"Its nothing to me, but when ever I see someone determined like that, I'd like to know where the fire is", the old man said with a slight smirk. "If there is ever a place to be that requires some one to walk so determined, it must be important; unless, you are walking away from something. That's it, you're walking away from something, so what is it? What are you walking away from?"
The boy turned around and walked back to the man, who by this time got out of his old wicker chair to catch up to the boy. The boy walked towards the man, a serious and threatening scowl covered his face. He stared directly in to the old tired face and said, "Who are you to tell me where I'm going, or what I'm coming from."
"I'm not telling you, I'm asking you. You're either walking quickly away or towards something. It's either or, unless, you don't know where you're going. Now that is the question we all should ask ourselves: Am I coming? Am I going? Or am I oblivious to it all?"
"Oblivious to what?" The boy asked. The boy wasn't sure what the man was talking about, and mysterious games were of little importance to him.
"Well, it seems like you are oblivious. You don't know if you're coming or going. You're simply walking quickly for the sake of walking quickly—unsure and unresponsive to what is happening around you."
The boy was grossly confused. His emotions moved from anger to puzzlement, he turned around and started to walk away when the man called out what seemed like profound adivse, "Where ever your going, where ever your coming from and no matter how quickly your walking, you will never know where you are unless you stop and look."
"At what?" the boy interrupted.
"That my boy is the real question."
The boy turned around and began to walk, scratching his head while the old man sat back in his wicker chair. He starred off down the street looking at the cars, the people, the businesses, saying to himself, "What are we to look at?"
The boy continued to walk away from the man. Shaking his head and thinking about the bizarre conversation he stepped onto the street then onto the cross walk. The sound of squealing tires with smell of burnt brakes barreled towards him echoing through the busy street. The bus had stopped too late and the boy hit the pavement.
An obvious fatality.
Hearing the crash, the old man slowly got out of his chair, walked to the gruesome scene. The only eerie sounds that could be heard were words of the witnesses saying, "He didn't even see it coming."
Life is messy; sometimes it doesn't turn out the way you want it. I know what you must be thinking, and you're wrong, this isn't about that. And if you didn't think this was about that, I apologise for ego-centric response.
But really, life is messy, it is filled with dirt and grime, sometimes you can clean it up, sometimes you just carry it with you. But most of the time you don't realize what the hell is going on until your too deep in the filth.
Is this going somewhere Daniel? you ask. Yes, it is.
So, recently i've been reflecting on the Lord's prayer. Its been a good time, thinking, praying and talkin about it; I've learned alot, and I've grown because of it. Reading the Message version though, I've found to things: 1) in the tradtional versions, the hallowed be your name is mysterious and difficult to handle, bu the message says Father reveal yourself, meaning that when I am praying, I am asking God to do something in my life, to be involved, to interact with me. 2) In the tradtional versions, the phrase lead us not into temptation is interpreted as, protet us from ouselves. Therefore when I am asking God to be involved, to reveal himself, I go on to ask him to provide daily, forgive me as I forgive others, and for him to protect me, not just from the evil, but from myself. Alot of times we placed psychologically in postions where we can't protect ourselves. Where we ask God to reveal himself, to protect us and to provide for us to ask this of God, as Him to reveal himself to us-- believe me, I know.
I feel sometimes that life is unbearable, that I am unable to move through life effectively and siginificantly. Part of this is a fear or mediocrity, part of it is a inability to accept compitition. But mainly it is a fearof messing up, of rocking the boat; its hard to move away from this mind set, but I'll tell you something: Life is messy, it hurts, but the reality is that healing, and overcoming our situations is vital to growth and recovery.
I love you all. My heart hurts these days, but that does not mean that it has stopped beating, it does not mean that have given up on life, love and everything important in the world. I am an idealist, and I'm okay with that.
.daniel.
Currently
listening
:
Clarity
By
Jimmy Eat World
Release date: 23 February, 1999
To begin with, we as humans, specifically men have a difficulty with the concept of trust. We are unable to conceptualize it or practice it, which causes long and sleepless nights. In high school, one teacher use to say that trust creates space for intimacy. Meaning that the more trusting you are to your friends, children, or spouse the deeper and better your relationship is.
Who knows why we don't trust. I'm sure it has something to do with our past, our hurt rising to the surface manifesting itself horribly, or I might have something to do with an insecurity we have because we have never experienced something so good and pure, or it might even have to do with our inability to love or a misunderstanding of love. Whatever it may be, one thing is for sure, because we're human have broken trusters. We find it difficult to trust, difficult to love, difficult to rid ourselves of the nasty naughts in our stomachs.
I know that my issues of trust create those naughts, those tiny pressures of uncertainty and denial. It hurts, it leaves me helpless, begging for forgiveness and just an ounce of extra love.
I've been reflecting on Genesis 1-11 and the gospels recently; I've been reflecting on the creation of God, the disassembly of His harmony in creation and Jesus' attempt to re-harmonize His creation. Of course this sounds a lot more intense than what I've actually been thinking, struggling and praying about. Quite simply, I've been reflecting on Jesus' message of bringing things back to rights. Okay, imagine this: in the beginning, God created all things. His creation was in harmony, it was a perfect dream, a perfect window of discovery, filled with love and wonder and awe and joy—everything that is. But soon, it was destroyed, the dream had faded, and the window was smashed. Every so often, there were glimpses of that dream, that window showing us that something better, something bigger was working—in other words, God was revealing himself. This dream, this broken window was Jesus message that there are better things in this world, that although the dream was broken, God was still involved. Dignity, respect, equality, life, love, justice and trust are just a few examples of this window that had been broken. Now as followers of Jesus, the mission is to share with all people this window, this dream, this way of how things we suppose to be and how things can become.
All this to say, that the love we have for others is the way things were supposed to be; the trust that we have, no matter how difficult it is, is the way things were supposed to be.
Indeed, it's hard to trust, it's hard to love, its hard to encourage life and dignity and equality, but nonetheless this is how it was all supposed to be. I suppose then, we can say that our honest attempts and love, trust and support of life are a connection to the divine, and connection to God and how He is…
Okay, I understand that this is optimistic, but who cares. If we can't be optimistic about anything, how can we hope that God is doing anything at all? And if the followers of Jesus, those expressing who God is, how can we show that another world is possible. One author described it this way: following Jesus is simple, but it's not easy...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I know that I have trust issues, I always have. It may because of my past or my insecurities. But one thing is for sure; trusting one another, loving one another is a crucial attempt at connecting with the divine—that is, the Father. Therefore, I leave end with this: my Father, forgive everything I have done to hurt people, as I have and will forgive the people that have hurt me. Amen.
.daniel.
Currently
listening
:
The Missing Link
By
Jeremy Enigk
Release date: 21 August, 2007
Its been a while, I know, but this isn't to mean that I haven't been thinking about you. In fact, there hasn't really been much I have thought about.
Let's begin with this: life is messy. There really isn't much we can do about it, it simply happens. There are good times and bad times, there really isn't a beginning or an end to life, it simply progresses—that isn't to say that my own life doesn't have a beginning or an end. I start with the messy life because I am beginning to re-realize that its hard to balance and maintain life, and everything in it. Its even harder to when the life you want to live is not the life you are living. Meaning, when the life you want to live is bigger than yourself and you're not doing that, its hard, its messy, its life. The other day I was driving to church; my plan was to get up early, get coffee and go to church and learn something new. The irony is that on my way to church, getting off the free way there was a man, asking for money, food, and a chance to get out of his situation. Imagine it, on my way to church there was a man asking for help, the nerve, the inconsideration, of course, I did what anyone would do on their to church: I ignored him, got my coffee and learned something new. What I did learn, and what I didn't want to learn was that my life, my time going to church, or lack thereof, is not creating a being that is doing what he wants to do. In other words, I learned that the life I want to live is not the life I am living. Life is messy, is starts with a painful birthing process and ends in a faint and mysterious passing. The middle though, that is the true journey.
There isn't much for you to take a hold, because there isn't much to share; we are connected in life, no matter how messy it may be, we are connected, in one way or another.
.daniel.
Currently
listening
:
I-Empire
By
Angels & Airwaves
Release date: 06 November, 2007
