Sometimes being a hottie ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Current mood: lonely
Category: Romance and Relationships

DISCLAIMER--THIS BLOG AIN'T ABOUT ANY OF MY FANS SINCE I HAVE MADE A VOW TO NOT DATE MY FANS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOO COMPLICATED.  I HAVE MET A BUNCH OF Y'ALL THAT ARE SUPER NICE AND GOOD LOOKING AND IF Y'ALL WEREN'T FANS I'D BE ALL OVER Y'ALL LIKE SALT ON FRIES.

Yeah, it's true.  I know all y'all hotties know what I'm talking about.  And all y'all that ain't hotties can bitch and whine all y'all want about not being one, but y'all know what they say about grass and green and other sides.  The truth is, nobody's got it easy, except for rich people who don't have to work at being rich.

The other day somebody tried to pick me up at the grocery store, which I wouldn't have minded so much if that person had been a man and good looking.  Not that I'm homophobic, I just don't swing that way.  And even if I did, this lady would have to do a whole lot more than make a double entendre about the Italian word for fennel to get me interested in a rendevous.  Like, maybe put on some flattering clothes and a little eye liner! 

All of my life I have attracted some seriously unattractive people.  I know y'all are thinking my past must filled with broken hearts and drop dead gorgeous men, but I promise that ain't the case.  Most of the men who have made a play at me have been fairly lacking in the handsome department, including my ex husband.  Now I am certainly not a snob about looks because lord knows I've had my fair share of ugly sex, but is it too much to ask for that dreamy fellow to look my way?  I know I don't have a body like Giselle or whomever The Man is trotting out as the sexiest woman alive these days, but dammit, I know I am not a toad!  So how come Toad Man or Toaderella seem to be the only ones that want to buy me a drink at the bar?

The other night I was out with some friends and this super cutie joined us so I started making eyes at him.  He was making eyes at me too, but just when I thought we might start to seal the deal, he left and started talking to another, less attractive woman!  I even passed by him on the way to the bar, hoping he'd see me and follow, but nope, he just stayed put.  So I gave up on him, but wouldn't you know it, as we were leaving he made a point to come up and give me one of them lingering hugs--the kind that says, "Ooooh, baby I want to get it on with YOU"!  So I was like, WTF?  I was chewing gum so I know I didn't have bad breath.  It's like he wanted ME to make the big move, but honey, I am not looking for a doormat.  I want a REAL MAN.  I want ROMANCE!  I AM SICK TO DEATH OF HAVING TO MAKE ALL THE DAMN FIRST MOVES!!!

I blogged about this before, but this is just a recent example of how lazy men are when it comes courting me.

I have been single for a while and for the most part it's just fine.  But I'm getting too old for FWB and random hookups.  There's just no magic in it anymore.  I see the world with different eyes than when I was 22 and every day was just a big party.  For one thing, they're a lot more wrinkled now, plus I can't see quite as good out of the left one.  But I also see through The Man's programming about sex being the be all end all of existence and if you ain't getting some then you ain't a person.  That's just bullshit.  What The Man wants is for people to live their entire lives confusing love with sex and being destracted by all the drama that causes.  You can surely have lots of hot sex without the love, but eventually it will wear itself out, and then you're stuck with an inconsiderate mouth breather who only sees you as a recepticle for their body fluids.  Hey, baby, that's why Kimberly Clark invented Kleenex!  No, the real trick is to find somebody who loves you no matter what AND who you don't mind having sex with.  Which according to The Man's programming, should be a breeze for a hottie like me.

But I'm still alone....

Well, that's enough of a pity party for poor old Arcie.  I have so many good things in my life I really shouldn't be complaining.  I firmly believe that special guy will come along when the time is right and even if he doesn't have a million dollars in the bank or look like Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise, I'll be glad to meet him.  In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to keep playing defense in the produce aisle.

6:12 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

New York Memories

I've been back for a week, had time get my ass back to work, come down with a chest cold, and process, so now I guess I should tell y'all all about New York City.  Well, for starters it ain't a bit like it is here, but it ain't quite like the movies either.  It's pretty dirty, noisy, and pissy smelling.  But there are lots of cool old buildings to look at and it's easy to walk around and take the subway everywhere you'd want to go, so I have to say it ain't a bad place to visit.  Since I was pretty broke I tried to do things that didn't cost money, except for happy hour--you CAN get a drink for less than $3 if you know where and when to look!  Personally, I think walking around is the best entertainment and all that costs is a few blisters and a little extra time in the shower scrubbing your feet.  It's New York City, there's all kinds of crazy asses to stare at!

Most of the touristy stuff is free or close to free.  Riding the Staten Island Ferry to see the Statue of Liberty (and flirt with all the cute foreign boys) is FREE.  Getting felt up in a slow moving crowd in Times Square is FREE.  Checking out all of The Man's Illuminati-inspired Public Art is FREE (and it's everywhere so you don't have to look too hard).  Getting into the Metropolitan Museum of Art is FREE if you're smart enough to pick up a discarded entry button out on the sidewalk like me and Shasta did.  Wandering through any park and taking in the huge variety of street performers is FREE.  Riding the Subway AIN'T FREE unless you're agile enough to jump the turnstile like we saw several kids doing, but it's only two dollars and it pays for itself many times over with parade of loonies passing in and out of your car on a long ride.  Shasta said it best as she was fond of dozing off on the subway, "Every time I open my eyes there's a new show to watch".

Probably the only bad thing about visiting New York I can think of is the cost of the airplane ticket and all the hassle at the airport.  And I hear that finding a cheap place to stay is nearly impossible, although we lucked out and crashed with somebody who already did all the hard work.  We had an apartment up in Harlem, which was real nice after we rigged up the AC unit to cool the sleeping area and pestered the landlord into fixing the toilet that wouldn't flush.  It ain't like there's a Starbucks on every corner up there where you can go take a shit!  The neighborhood was full of beautiful old "brownstones" (that's Yankee language for "townhouse") and everybody came out on the sidewalk at night to party and shoot the shit.  The weather was perfect--sunny but cool in the shade--and it only rained a couple of times, just long enough to wash away some of the bum piss.  Me and Shasta caught the eyes of men all over Manhattan, and we could have hooked up with some fine looking specimens if we'd had a place with more privacy!  New York men appreciate a woman with some booty!

Now that I have a frame of reference, I'll be paying closer attention to the New York City that The Man wants me to see in the media, because it's a whole lot different than the New York I saw with my own eyes.  It's just a city after all, and not some mythical place.  I surely don't want to move up there unless somebody gives me a brownstone and a million dollars to live on for the year.  But I could definitely go back and find plenty to do that I didn't get to this time.  I just need to figure out the best way to sneak into a Broadway show....

2:15 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Farmer’s Market is for Rich People

I tell y'all what--The Man sure don't make it easy or cheap to do the right thing.  I went down to the Farmer's Market recently and I was shocked at how pricey everything was.  Damn, I could shop at Whole Foods and beat most of them prices!

I went on a whim.  I was off work and I always meant to make it down there so I figured what the hell.  I had a bit of cash in my wallet, and I was in the mood to do my part for the good of society.  I even took Public Transportation, thus saving the carbon emissions or whatever it is everybody's hollering about these days.  Oh, and of course I had my own bag.  I was as crunchy as it gets.

When I got there it wasn't too busy, so I checked out what was for sale.  Lots of prepared food and snacks, seasonal veggies and fruits, some meat and cheese.  Not a bad selection.  But like I said, the prices were just out of this world.  Tomatoes were going for a king's ransom.  The only thing halfway reasonable was squash and cucumbers.   I was all set to buy a few day's worth of stuff, but I just couldn't bring myself to spend that kind of money.  I know those farmers work hard and the prices are probably barely enough for them, but dammit I am not a millionaire!  Unless I grow/raise my own, I can't see how I can escape going to the supermarket, much less go entirely local.

As I was on my way out, I came across the stall belonging to the poultry farmer that was in the paper the same day was.  He got the big feature and the gigantic picture on the front of the Food section.  I felt like I ought to buy something since I came all that way, so I bellied up to the counter and got a small whole chicken.  For a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY.  It was the most expensive chicken I ever bought.  I took it home and cooked it up right away so I could taste the miracle of farm fresh fowl and guess what?  It tasted like chicken.

So maybe one day if me and Shasta hit the big time I can go down to the Farmer's Market and make our community a better place, but for now, I'll be prowling the aisles of HEB and Big Lots.  I figure there's plenty of rich people here in town to keep things going until then.  Somebody's got to be buying all that stuff every week.

9:28 PM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Another Episode of Cookin’ Good Online!

Slowly but surely, we're gettin' 'em on the internet!  This one is from the spring of this year and of course it's a good one--FISH TACOS!

I think Shasta makes the tortillas in this episode....and we lived to cook another day.

Pass it along to all your out of town and cable-less friends!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4769961578349554075&q=cookin+good+fish+tacos+cola+sisters&ei=Jut8SLOdMZKc4gKIl-mYCw

11:25 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

WE ARE IN THE PAPER!!!!

Check it out--it's for reals, y'all!

http://www.austin360.com/food_drink/content/food_drink/stories/2008/07/0709relishaustin.html


AND as a special bonus, there's a web-only exclusive video!

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1460868124/bclid1459293940/bctid1655754199

9:31 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Can y’all fucking believe this shit?
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Lately I've been checking out job postings because I think my working relationship with my current employeer is probably coming to an end, like, any minute now.  I came across this one and it made me laugh so hard I just had to share it with y'all.  I am not super qualified for a lot of jobs, and I do not have a degree or certificate or nothing like that, but I am smart enough to know when a potential employer has crossed the line in their demands from prospective employees.  Are these people fucking kidding?  WHO WOULD EVEN WANT A JOB WITH A COMPANY THAT HAS THE NERVE TO POST AN AD LIKE THIS FOR AN ENTRY LEVEL POSITION?!?

(I deleted the name of the company because people this anal would surely try to sue my ass.  But I bolded the parts that I think y'all will find particularly interesting!)

[something or another] spa seeks 2 talented spa coordinators to work at our [location]! Both are full time positions. [blankety blank] spa offers a unique spa experience to its clientele, offering a full range of treatments including massages, facials, body treatments, and natural nail therapy in a hip, yet relaxed atmosphere. We aim to provide a unique spa experience for our employees as well, with a benefit package we think is unparalleled in the industry.

Minimum Requirements:
At [what's its name], we have very high standards and expect that our employees are focused in creating a wonderful environment for our clients. Do not apply for this job if you are resistant to change, can't adapt easily, are cranky, moody, pessimistic, don't enjoy selling fabulous products or don't enjoy being around people. This is not just a job. We cultivate careers and promote from within. We are growing at an incredible rate and are looking for individuals who will share our passion and vision.

Qualities and qualifications:
Smart.
Happy.
Funny.
Articulate.
Confident.
Calm.
Design/ Style Sense.
Attention to detail.
Fast learner.
Adaptable.
Loves meeting new people.
Gets things done. Fast.
Focused under pressure.
Willing to do just about anything (reasonable, of course).
Loves life.
Loves to laugh.
Wants to learn.
Good with handling large sums of money.
Thinks before speaks.
Discrete and respectful.
BA or BS.
A couple of years of work experience (Spa/salon experience is highly preferred, but not required).
Skilled at both Apple and PC programs.
Unflappable demeanor.
Genuinely nice and kind.
Is environmentally conscious.
Loves change.
Great sense of humor.
Flexible and rolls with the punches.
Be available evenings, weekends and some holidays (we close only 2 days a year). Working weekends is mandatory in this field. Please do not apply if you want a M-F 9-5 job. This is not it.
Extrovert + bubbly personality
Must be a Spa Partisan.

At [that place], we thrive on excellence, so if you feel you have these characteristics and more, please reply to [our email] with "I am your next Spa Coordinator!" in the subject line. Include your resume, 5 references and specific examples of how you fit EACH OF THE qualities and qualifications listed above.
Our unique and competitive compensation program includes paid vacation, health benefits, Continuing Education, and occasional spa treats! You will not find another spa that respects and takes care of its employees like [McSlaveaway].

For more information about the company, please visit [our website] Thank you for taking the time to read this posting..... .. ..And after all that, guess how much they want to pay you?  $11/hr!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!  Sometimes The Man is soooo funny!

2:16 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear GOD what is that racket?!?!
Category: Life

So I stayed up late last night 'cause it was my Birthday and wouldn't you know it the goddamn City decides to start busting up the sidewalk on my street at daybreak this morning!  I am the worst sleeper in the world unless I'm passed out cold, which is rare for me, and every little noise or ray of sunlight keeps me from getting the zzzzzzzzs I desperately need to negate all of the partying I like to do.  I made sure I had the daytime off today because I planned to do some hard core sleeping, but here I am, on Myspace ranting on my blog before 10am instead of in happy dreamland.  I swear if I was rich I'd be hooked on sleep pills because there's nothing I like more than a good half a day of sleep.  But the older I get the less I'm able to sleep!  Ain't that a kick in the ass?

The worst of it is I am all kinds of tired from the past weekend.  Not only was Friday the 4th of July, but Saturday me and Shasta hosted that fund raiser thing and Sunday we shot two episodes yesterday (one of which was attended by a writer and photographer from The Austin American Statesman), and of course last night I tied one on 'cause you don't turn--well, I ain't gonna say it--but you don't have a birthday every day.  The only thing I didn't manage to do was get laid, but I guess that's the other part of getting older--not being satisfied with the same old same old.  I just ain't into one-night stands and casual flirtations like I used to be.  There is little recommend in tiptoeing around a stranger's place looking for your purse and shoes (forget the panties), trying not to wake up the weirdo snoring out hangover morning breath so you don't get roped into that awkward, "So, what's your name again..." coversation over Folger's Crystals.  But the other side of that is I don't want a relationship with anybody at the moment because I'm enjoying my freedom.  Shasta thinks what I really need is a good FWB thing like she has with a handful of unlucky souls, but everybody I know with one of those arrangements ends up getting hurt or hurting somebody, and if there's one thing I don't need in my life it's DRAMA.

Why do things have to be so complicated?

Lately I've been feeling more love from the universe than at any other time in my life, even when I was a newlywed.  So many people have been coming out of the shadows to say how much they love, "Cookin' Good."  Some really awesome artists are even making art for us!  And just the other day I was at the bus stop and this sweet couple pulled over and gave me a ride just because they recognized me from the show.  Ordinarily I would have refused to get in, thinking they was up to no good, but I was so flattered my ass was sticking to their backseat before I could ask if they was with the CIA.   On the flip side though, we still don't have the kind of cache that somebody like Anna Nicole Smith had, because at the silent auction the other night we put our panties up for bidding and by the time I left only one or two people had bid and it was for the minimum!  Damn, I thought my ass was worth more than that!  I guess I'm gonna have to get some big old fake hooters before the thousand dollar bids start rolling in.  I was able to sell a few birthday spankings, which brings my grand total of fundraising for my New York City adventure to $24, not including the money I spent on ingredients to make the biscuits I sold at the garage sale.  Something tells me ought to quit while I'm ahead.

Well, the noise outside has died down and it's still too early for lunch, so maybe they quit busting up concrete for the day.  Time to go lay down and see if I can pick up in that dream where I left off.  I was somewhere really beautiful with a handsome man, and he was just about to take my bra off and then the jackhammer noise started up and.....oh hell, I can't remember! 

Motherfucking City of Austin!

7:03 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!!!

Did y'all know me and Shasta have the same birthday?  It's true, even though we ain't that close in age and we got different daddies.  Guess mamma used to get horny at the same time of year.  Who am I kidding?  That ho had to be horny all the time or she wouldn't have squeezed out so many kids she didn't have no intention of taking care of.  Anyway, since me and Shasta are getting along these days, we've decided to do some joint celebrating this year.  And we're inviting all of y'all to party with us!

This Saturday night, July 5th, starting at 9pm, join us at the United States Art Authority (between Spiderhouse and Ruby's BBQ on 29th St) for an evening of comedy and birthday shenannigans, hosted by The Cola Sisters!  There's a $5 cover, but it's a charitable contribution to the Out of Bounds Improv Comedy Festival, so it's for a good cause.  The Fred and Joel Show, Fishbowl Soldiers, Foot Patrol, and Aux Armes are set to perform, plus me and Shasta will have some fun things up our sleeves so come to our party! 

And because it's our birthday, we will be accepting gifts and cash contributions toward our New York City adventure.  We don't get none of the door money, because technically this is a fund raiser for the comedy festival.  But even if y'all are broke as we are, and just want to say 'hi', and can only scrape together the cover charge, come on out anyway!   Presents are nice, but nothing beats a good time. 

There might even be a reporter from the Statesman there to meet some of our fans for a story that might get to be in the actual paper, so come support your favorite cooking hotties and show The Man who you love!  You might even get a quote in the paper.

Oh, and we're gonna auction off our panties for the fund raiser!  So all y'all that are into 'special' mementos bring a fist full of dollars!

11:03 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Time to put some cash where that pie hole is

It's been a heck of a week--all that campaigning for the A-List votes, craziness at work, shooting shows, trying to figure out where to come up with the money for New York, invitations to host gigs--I tell y'all, I need me a publicist and an assistant for sure!

First off, let me give all y'all that voted for us A BIG OL' INTERNET HUG--there, I hope y'all got a good feel for my lady parts while we was pressed together!

Now, I've got to tell all y'all about a couple of fun opportunities to mix and mingle with me and Shasta.  The first one is coming up tomorrow, Saturday, July 28th.  From 9:30-5:30, in the Coldtowne Theater parking lot (that's next to I Luv Video on Airport Blvd, between 1-35 and 290).  There's gonna be a big junk sale/BBQ to benefit all the comedy troupes that's going up to New York City in August for the Del Close Improv Marathon put on by the Upright Citizen's Brigade.  Me and Shasta are gonna sell a bunch of our old clothes that we wore on the show for super cheap, so if any of y'all been eyeballin' something fabulous, this is y'all's chance to snap it up along with some Cola Sisters history.  Who knows, maybe that sequined top will be in the Smithsonian one day thanks to you!  I will also be selling some homemade biscuits, so if y'all ever wanted to taste my biscuits this is y'all's chance!  And Captian Cabrito is coming out all the way from Pumpville to cook some BBQ for the benefit, so it's a win-win all around.  Bring lots of dollar bills!

Apparantly this is sort of a big deal, the comedy festival thing.  I wouldn't really know, but me and Shasta are gonna go up there with all them people so we can crash on their floors for free because we ain't never been to New York and we figure we might as well see it before Cheney orders the nuke.  But we got to pay for the plane tickets and for our food, so we're gonna be prayin' y'all want to buy our stuff 'cause if we have to resort to prostitution to get up there, well, we'll do it but it would definitely tarish our image if we got picked up for hoing down on South Congress.  Do they even let hos down there anymore?

And y'all save the date next Saturday, July 5th, cause me and Shasta are hosting an event we plan to 'secretly hijack' for our own nefarious purposes!  Stay tuned to the blog or stop by the sale tomorrow for more details....

9:44 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

WE WON WE WON!!!

I can't hardly believe it!  The only thing I've ever won before was a scratch off lotto ticket!  I'm so happy I could toungue kiss Henry Kissinger!  THANK Y'ALL, THANK Y'ALL, THANK Y'ALL!!!

http://www.austin360.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/outandabout/entries/2008/06/25/your_alist_best_62.html

And y'all wanna know what the best part is?  Y'ALL DID IT!  See, sometimes your vote matters.  We only beat Alex Jones by TWO votes, but we still beat him and it was 'cause y'all weren't too lazy to click on all them links and type a few words into your computer.  They are gonna give us a certificate and everything.  Me and Shasta is gonna have to work out some kind of share so we don't have to end up ripping it in half like Memaw did when we tied for third in the Easter egg hunt at the lodge and was fighting over the ribbon. 

First the A-List, then THE WORLD!

8:22 AM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment