2008 Tour Dates

2008 SUMMER TOUR

June 8 Improv, San Jose, CA w Hoogie and Wienbach info and tix

June 10 Throckmorton Theatre, Mill Valley CA w Mark Pitta info and tix

June 25, Mill Valley Comedy Day, Mill Valley

July 3 Comedy Store, London info and tix

July 5 Mighty Boosh Festival, Kent, England info and tix

July 7 Ibiza Rocks Festival, Ibiza, Spain info and tix

July 9 - 12 Toomler Comedy Club, Amsterdam info and tix

July 16 - 19 Just For Laughs Festival, Montreal, Canada info and tix

July 23 Punchline, Sacramento, CA info and tix

July 25, 26 Comix, NYC info and tix

Tip Of The Week #1

Hey guys! Everybody likes a massage, right? But in day-to-day life, unless you're as rich as Thirston Howell III, you can't alway's feel that kind of relief on demand. Bummer, right?

Wrong. Here's what I do.

Everytime, I get a massage, I play the same exact song, over and over again. Than, when I'm stressed out, I just play that same song on my eye pod nano, and my body experiences psycho-somatic relaxation, almost instantly. My tense muscles are literally Pavlov's-Dogged into submission!

Sometimes people wonder why I listen to 'Green Eyed Lady' so often, but not as often as they ask me why I'm lying butt-naked on my stomach in public, moaning 'Oh yeah! Right there! Yeahhhhhhh....That's it.'

Thanks for coming down to the first annual 'Tip of the Week'! Hope this makes your week a lot better!

Arj

9:52 PM - 48 Comments - 75 Kudos - Add Comment

New Joke

Why does Dutch food taste like farts?

A: Because they cook it in Dutch ovens!

Why am I allowed to make this joke?

A: Because I'm 1/4 Dutch, and 3/4 5-year-old

Hope you're all doing well,
Love,
Arj

PS CHANGE YOUR F$*CKING PASSWORD ALREADY!!!

12:24 AM - 24 Comments - 43 Kudos - Add Comment

I wrote a joke-joke!

For some reason this joke was my first cognitive thought when I woke up this morning...

Why was the shampoo sad?

Because the conditioner was leave-in.

Well, do you have a better one?

3:46 PM - 105 Comments - 126 Kudos - Add Comment

Regarding Adelaide and Melbourne Comedy Fests
Current mood: calm

I'm sitting at my Blog Control Center, which makes it sound a lot more important than it really is, but never mind...

It is with sadness in my heart that I officially announce that I will not be attending this year's comedy festivals in Australia. This includes the Adelaide Fringe and Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

The reason is that I have a small, but reoccurring role on a new television program being made for HBO in New York. Not sure what the show is going to be called, but it stars The Flight of the Conchords, a brilliant duo from New Zealand who have of late, taken the global comedy scene by storm. If you haven't heard of them, you should definately check em out, as they are hilarious. They are also great human beings and I'm honored to be part of their project. Why not visit their profile?

Unfortunately the taping of the show coincides exactly with the entire festival season, so there's really no way I can do both. I had waited till the last minute to pull out as I wasn't sure of the shoot schedule, which is why I am listed in the Adelaide Fringe guide as having a show.

Thanks for your understanding, and patience, as I am sure you can understand that this is an excellent oppurtunity for me to gain experience and exposure in my own country. More importantly, my good buddies have asked me to help them make a TV show, and what kind of friend would I be if I declined?

I can assure you with great assurity that I am sure that I will return to, and perform in Adelaide as well as Melbourne, at the first chance I get. Not only these areas, but I plan on touring in Queensland and very likely other parts of the country as well. In fact, no matter where you live, it's only a matter of time before I come there and tell you jokes.

I am infinitely grateful for the love and support the Australianish public has shown me over the years, and I intend to humbly remain in your comedic service for many years to come.

Look forward to the good times we'll have.
Enjoy the fests and have a beverage for me,
Love
Arj

8:55 PM - 39 Comments - 46 Kudos - Add Comment

Don't Spit the Dummy!

Had to pull out of a few gigs up in Queensland, and I know that some of you are annoyed with me. Please understand that I have no choice as I have small role on a new TV show in the states and I need to get back to begin rehearsals.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE COMEDY FESTIVALS?

It means that I probably won't be at the Australian comedy festivals this year, as much as it pains me to miss them.

BUT WHEN WILL YOU TOUR AUSTRALIA AGAIN?

I'm already planning a Super Big Make-Up Tour, probably starting in Sept and lasting at least a couple months. I will go to all the areas I can, and this should include Melb, Adelaide, and if I can help it, all the areas I cancelled on in Feb.

WHAT IF I LIVE IN THE STATES?

Request that your local comedy club books me. I would love to come out there and see a bit of my own country!

WHY CAN'T SCIENCE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS?

The problem stems from the fact that we can't study consciousness from any perspective other than our own consciousness. It's like the microscope trying to look at itself. Bloody impossible!

CAN YOU SURVIVE IN THE DESERT BY DRINKING YOUR OWN URINE?

You can for at least a couple days, but after a while the impurties of the pee pee can have a toxic affect and make you very ill. As well, the salinity (saltiness) of the chi chi may actually speed up the dehydration.

Captian James Riley, a sea captian whos crew was shipwrecked in the North of Africa in the 1800's, claims that he and his men survived from drinking their own ca ca for close to 10 days, though modern science states that this is improbable. That doesn't make his account untrue, but simply all the more incredible.

If the subject of pee-drinking interests you, I suggest reading 'Skelotons In The Zahara' by Dean King. It's the story of Captian Riley and his men and it's heaps gripping!

1:07 PM - 22 Comments - 40 Kudos - Add Comment

Holiday Message
Current mood: cynical

Thanks to everyone who wrote and posted holidays greetings. I really appreciate it, and the same to you and yours...

I enjoy Christmas less and less as the years go by. I used to think it was because I grew more disillusioned with how consumer driven the holidays have become. But while that's irritating, it doesn't explain why I get kinda down around the holidays.

So I did a little research, and it turns out that there's a scientific reason why I get a little down around x-mas as of late. It turns out that the body produces a holiday chemical know as Merritonum. As children, we use up vast amounts of Merritonum each year. Since the body is only able to manufacture a certain amount of 'jolly juice', the holidays start to suck more and more as you get older, until you have kids, and then you can get a contact high off them, if you buy them enough stuff.

I gotta go now, and bring my nephews some Legos.

Peace
Arj

11:56 AM - 20 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

SHOWS SHOWS SHOWS

MARIN COUNTY: Throckmorton Theatre, Dec 21

BAY AREA: New Years Eve, Palace of Fine Arts, San Francisco, Dec 31

NEW YORK: The Marijuana-Logues @ Comix, NYC Jan 18-20

SAN FRANCISCO: The Punchline, Janb 23-27

AUSTRALIA: Sydney Opera House, Feb 1-18

Happy Holidays to You and Your Posse

9:39 AM - 21 Comments - 19 Kudos - Add Comment

Got Home From Oz This Morning..

Been up all day too. Me feel a little sleepy.

Was a great tour all around. Enjoyed every single audience save for two individuals who weren't going with my flow (one in Newcastile and one in Perth) but even they quieted down and did or didn't enjoy the show, and I forgive them (for being dickheads). Many thanks to everyone who came along, and look forward to returning to your city with at least 35% new jokes...

The night before I left, I went on the final Glasshouse. I have always enjoyed going on that show and I'm very sorry to see it go. I'm not sure why they cancelled it, but it WASN'T because the cast and crew weren't legendary, I can tell you that! What a pleasure working with you lot! I think I'll be fortunate enough to work with most of you again, though perhaps not all at the same time, and under one roof. Thank you all for always making me feel welcome there, and I know I said it before, but I was very honored to be part of the last episode.

Apologies to the ABC who were kind enough to lend me a tuxedo to wear on the show. I don't know why, but I always shit my pants a little on TV...

I'm going to floss my teeth now, and then sleep for 47 hours.

Peace,
Arj

10:51 PM - 21 Comments - 51 Kudos - Add Comment

Final Shows + Poem

With the week at the Playhouse in Perth officially sold-out, we decided to add an extra show on this Sunday night, the 19th of Nov at 730 PM...So if you want to see my final live show of this entire Australian tour...Hook it up!

Also, I am feel very honored that I'm invited on the Glasshouse, for what is, as far as I know, the final episode ever. I think that airs at the end of the month. I'm going to wear a tux I think. It should be a fun night and a great show, but maybe a little sad too.

And now a visual poem, called 'FACES'

When I feel sad, I feel like this... : 

but then I think about you and I'm all

but then I get sleepy and me go

but then I get up and try to go poo, but I'm constipated so I look like this

but suddenly I have a massive movement, and I say...OOOPS!

time to change my pants.

10:58 PM - 13 Comments - 62 Kudos - Add Comment