Bumper stickers crack me up; mostly because they are statements of philosophy or opinion that have been placed on the back of a forward-moving vehicle, as if to say, "Here's how I feel, but whether or not you agree, I'm leaving you anyway..."
If you could put your philosophy of life on a bumper sticker, what would it say?
The title of this blog is a pretty decent one. Hamartia is a greek term derived from an older archery term that means "to miss the mark." Aristotle took that ol' term and refined it in "The Poetics," and it is the greek word used in the New Testament whenever you see the word "sin." We all miss the mark now and again. I think the real goal is to keep focused, and keep aiming for the center.
So, Hamartia Happens.
Just like Shit Happens. or, (I like this one,) Caca Occurs.
Here's some more I'd like to put on my vehicle, to compete for attention with all the Obama and McCain stickers:
Jesus Loves My Honor Roll Student-- But He Also Loves The Guy Who's Gonna' Steal This Car, So What Can Ya' Do?
The Only Thing Missing Is A Sticker Of Calvin Pissing On Something (and I Mean John Calvin)
It Will Be A Great Day When Schools Have All The Money They Need And The Military Has To Hold A Bake Sale To Buy A Bomb, And I Win The Lottery So I Can Finally Build That Underground Lair And Plot The Downfall Of All The People Who Suck
This World Is A Dream. So Wake Up, Assholes!
Visualize World Peace. And While You're At It-- Visualize No-Strings-Attached Sex. I Mean, As Long As You're Dreamin'...
Crap V.S. Shit -- Vote For President In 2008
The Problem Isn't The Puppets. It's The ONE Puppeteer That's Fuckin' Up The Whole Show.
News Flash Youngsters-- You Will NOT Be Famous. Now, Go Back To Complaining About That Education You're Wasting.
There Are 2 Kinds Of People. Those That Believe There Is Infinite Happiness and Everyone Can Be Happy, and Those That Believe That In Order For Some To Be Happy, Many Must Be Unhappy. The First Kind Of People, We Kill. The Second Kind, We Let Run Everything.
arnieellis.com -- Gee, I’m worth... something?
Current mood: Practically Worthless
Many of you out there read my bulletin about how I let arnieellis.com lapse, and when I went to renew it, found that it was being held hostage.
Well, I sent the people responsible an e-mail asking how much they were holding it hostage for and this is the response I got:
In response to your email. There are over 30,000 domains expire and non-renewed daily. We have developed a technology that is analyzing traffic generated by these domains and buys selected domains via domain auctions with a bidding process such as Deleting.co.uk , DropWizard.com, DropKing.com, Pool.com, SnapNames.com and many others. Nevertheless, after reading your letter we are ready to consider giving up the domain name. But we are expecting at least to be compensated for the time and money spent on the registration process 2000$ will cover it.
Regards, Cenal.com
So there you go.
I am worth 2000$ (and only because of the time and money spent in creating an automatic system that tracks expiring domain names.)
Ever felt gypped?
Now I know why my ex-girlfriends are always so pissed.
I mean, it's not like I can pay that kind of money right now, but I was hoping for 6 figures or something. Not that I THINK I'm worth that much or anything. But it would be cool to be TOLD that every once in a while.
.com registry on GoDaddy --- 10 bucks a year or so.
Letting it lapse and having some douchebag swipe it and hold it hostage --- 2000 smackers.
Self-realization --- priceless.
So as long as my old web address is being held onto, what could I do to turn this into a "Ransom Of Red Chief"-type situation? Any suggestions out there? O Henry!!!
When I read "On Writing" by Stephen King (by the way, the best book on writing ever) a few years ago, I was introduced to the old parlor game of Swifties, or the Tom Swifty- wherein one creates puns using adverbs, adverbial phrases, or other dialogue attributions. King talks about the game in the book in order to discourage the use of adverbs.
Here are some examples:
Stephen King includes these two in "On Writing":
"You got a nice butt, lady," he said cheekily. and
"I'm the plumber," he said, with a flush.
Here's some of mine:
"I can't even give this a 'C'," he said degradingly.
"I'll go to auctions 'til I die," he said morbidly.
"Luke, I am your father," Vader said forcefully.
My good friend Heather, after I brought this game up at work, came up with some real gems. Here's a couple of my favorites:
"I can't remember what comes next," he said listlessly.
"So we had sex again," she said ridiculously. (re-dick... I love that one...)
So that's Swifties. Comment your examples and let the games begin....
MONICKER!!! (Coming To A Theater Near You.)
Current mood: Naming Names
I'm really excited about seeing the new movie RAMBO in January. Originally, it was titled "John Rambo" in order to get it in line with Stallone's last movie, "Rocky Balboa."
Along with these movies as well as "Die Hard With A Vengeance," could this be a new trend in movies? You know, older actors re-visiting old characters and playing their age? I've heard that this will also be done in the new Indiana Jones movie, so if this IS a trend, allow me to pitch a few ideas:
IVAN DRAGO (alt. title—"Ivan Drago Saves Christmas"):
After his humiliating defeat at the hands of Rocky Balboa (an event that spurred the end of the Cold War,) which we see as flashback/montage/re-hash during opening credits, we find the 2008 Ivan Drago living a life of relative solitude in an Eastern Orthodox monastery in southern Azerbaijan, haunted by the memories of what was and what could have been, his only solace watching the children at play in the neighboring village.
It comes to our hero's attention that some of the children have disappeared. Our hero then uncovers a child slavery ring, where kids from the local villages have been sent south to the Iranian coast of the Caspian Sea, where an evil Arab ex-boxer is using the slave labor at his fishery, forcing the children to make caviar.
Ivan Drago infiltrates the fishery on Christmas Eve, saves the children, and defeats the evil Iranian kingpin, while sustaining a fatal injury, causing the newly-freed children to join hands and sing a goodbye carol to their (and our!) fallen hero, who expires with a peaceful look in his eyes.
SONNY MALONE (alt. title--- "Xanadu II – Ragnarok"):
Sonny and Kira have lived in loving bliss for many years on Mt. Olytmpus, even producing a son- who enters his teen-angst phase and leaves his home in 2012, venturing into the real world and starting a metal band called "Gotterdammerung."
Gotterdammerung becomes incredibly successful and climbs the charts, gaining the attention of Loki (the evil Norse trickster god), who plots to use the popular music to open the gates of the abyss on the day when the Mayan calendar ends, ushering in Armageddon.
Sonny and Kira return in roller-skates and ELO music merges with metal to create a virtual love-fest of cinematic delight, thwarting the plot of the evil gods. The world is saved, boy gets girl, and a CGI Gene Kelly becomes the new god of dance.
TONY MANERO (alt. title--- "Saturday Night Survivin' "):
After a somewhat successful Broadway career whose origins we saw in "Staying Alive," Tony Manero is a washed-up has-been running a dance school on the lower East Side.
His fortunes change when the producers of America's favorite reality show on Saturday night, "Dancing with the Big Time" approach Tony about partnering with one of the celebrities for the new season.
The trouble begins when Tony ends up getting partnered with America's most troubled female celebrity (think Britney-meets-Lindsay-meets-Paris), whom Tony must then mentor, not only in the ways of dance, but also in how one must be true to themselves, never throw away their dreams, and keep Staying Alive!
Allright. If any producers out there are interested in these gems, give me a call. Operators are standing by....
It’s The Holiday Season...
Current mood: Celebratory
It's the holiday season So whoop-de-doo and dickory-dock And I think we all know What rhymes with "dock"
It's been a long while, so I'm going to get right into my recent holiday blog-
In honor of Halloween, here's what scares me:
1) So far, there is not one presidential candidate that I can see myself voting for. (I'm still up in the air about Ron Paul, and I'm still contemplating Obama…. What I'd really love to see is Al Gore endorse Obama, just to stick it in the Clintons' face. You know… "Yeah, here's what you get for leaving me hangin' out to dry in 2000- Obama gets my Nobel Prize-winning nod, you bastards.")
2) People have turned the Nintendo Wii into their grail quest. (Sure, it's an awesome system, and much cooler than "Tickle Me Elmo", but seriously, how long are we going to let our collective bovine behavior prove the merchandising machine, with it's opinion of us as nothing more than mere cattle- constantly grazing at the corporate grasslands, to be correct?)
3) Paris Hilton recently posed in a nude photo shoot to raise people's awareness about global warming!!! (Too easy… write your own joke, post it in the comments, and we'll always have Paris...)
In honor of Thanksgiving, here's what should be shoved up a Tur-duc-en's ass (and you have to spell this new whimsical holiday treat with hyphens- otherwise, it contains the word "turd."):
1) ET, Access Hollywood, TMZ, and all the rest- there are REAL people with actual LIVES that are trying to DO something out there… why are these shows still getting attention, and who gives a shit about spoiled brats and their drug habits, love lives, and run-ins with the law? MOOOOOOO!!!
2) Reality shows on MTV and VH1. Anyone remember music videos? Obviously people do, because I see them on YouTube constantly; where I also see some guy's roommate set his own pubic hair on fire. How's that for entertainment you fucking cattle? BAAAAAAAAA!!!
3) High-Fructose Corn Syrup. There's too much of this shit in our food (so it probably SHOULDN'T be shoved up a Tur-duc-en's ass, but come on, it's a Tur-duc-en! What else can you possibly do- add a Cornish game hen and a Buffalo chicken wing? (Ofcourse, that would make it a Tur-duc-en-hen-ing.)). Almost as if there is a very small elite group of people with a very strong interest in keeping us fat and complacent… Yeah, keep drinking this beer, cattle, and watch this sporting event, and eat this food, take this anti-depressant, and go to sleep… for while you snooze through life, the elite who have been trained to believe that they were born into privilege because GOD made it so, will take care of everything… so sleep… sleeeeeeeeep… and when you wake up, DIABETES! AAAAAAAAGH!!!
(By the way, what am I thankful for? My family (which to me, includes my friends), green makeup- which is saving my butt again, the Orlando stand-up comedy scene, The Clarences, and the Killswitch Engage album "When Daylight Dies.")
In honor of Christmas, I wish this for all of you:
Like the sun, die and be born anew.
Let the parts of yourself that are absorbed by this illusion perish so that you can wake up with eyes truly open to the REAL reality: we are one.
If you are angered by the phrase "Happy Holidays" and INSIST that this is Christmas and NOTHING else, then I truly wish that you find the living Christ- an energy that transcends petty dogma and embraces the spirit of happy holidays.
And lastly, I wish that all of you get to play the Wii- it's actually pretty fucking cool.
In honor of tomorrow's release of Dethklok's DETHALBUM, from my favorite show on TV besides Venture Brothers- Metalocalypse-- I am posting the 2nd track, along with my attempt at the lyrics.
I'm pretty sure I've got all but a couple of the lines, which I end with a question mark:
" We call out to the beasts of the sea to come forth and join us This night is yours Because one day we will be with you in the blackened deep One day we will all go into the water Go into the water Live there die there Live there Die We reject our earthly fires Gone are days of land empires Lungs transform to take in water Cloaked in scales we swim and swim on We are alive And we're better oversized? And we're sleek as we go off back to basics? Our home is down here And we've known this for years We must conquer from the sea Wail and cry with your disease We'll rise From our depths From below Release yourselves Drown with me We will conquer land with water Gone are days of land empires Lungs transform to take in water Cloaked in scales we swim and swim on We swim on We swim on "
Ah well, my first attempt to glean lyrics from just listening to the song. How'd I do?
Here's the song again, as it appeared on the last episode of season one:
Norby’s Magnum Opus- "The Midnight Movie"
Current mood: Quite Charmed, Actually
Last night, (actually, this morning, after attending an Orlando comedian's staple- Craig Norberg's Sunday night open-mic at Austin's, which I ended up finishing out hosting duties for, because of Craig's desire to get home early...) I recorded episode 30 of the Standup Orlando Comedy podcast along with regular host Ryan and extra special guest host, my brother Pedro Lima.
During this podcast, it was revealed that Standup Orlando was asking all listeners to review Craig Norberg's short flim, "The Midnight Movie"- starring Midnight the Cat, Norby, Norby's brother, Erik Meyers, et. al.
I promised that I would review the film myself for my next blog, so here goes...
In Aristotle's "The Poetics", we are introduced to the concept of beginning/middle/end, or three-act structure. Due to an upload constraint on YouTube, Craig Norberg was forced to present his short film, "The Midnight Movie", in three separate 10 minute-or-so parts, thus displaying a rather deft ability to tell a three act story. I don't know if this was intentional, or a happy accident like Silly Putty, but it definitely worked for me. And why am I shocked anyway? More on that later.
"The Midnight Movie" is your typical cat-gets-high, cat-gets-laid, cat-saves-family tale, told for the most part through the eyes of the title character, Midnight the cat, whose viewpoint the audience gets to share through a clever, although over-used and inconsistent device of black-and-white shots, set up in the first of many actionless, clunky, and painfully long mid-shot scenes starring Norby and his brother.
Craig Norberg takes a lot of shit. Most of it is deserved. He performs stand-up comedy with a tremendous amount of enthusiasm, but virtually no sense of art or craft. This has led to many comics becoming great friends with Norby, but continuing to rib him and wonder to themselves when he's going to "get it."
So frankly, I started watching this film prepared to hate it. But I didn't. Sure, it needs some things, Lord, does it ever. But I didn't hate it.
What this film needs is a very large coat of polish. The scenes need to be trimmed throughout. The story left me with some questions: Is Midnight a thuggish drug dealer? A Casanova, careless for the feelings of others? Gay? And how exactly does EVERY scene between Norby and Bro. feed the overall story?
But, once again, I was very pleasantly entertained. Some bright moments: Norberg's choice of music was great throughout (although, you don't have to let the ENTIRE song play...). The first cat-walking-down-the-street montage was pretty funny- establishing Midnight as the king of the neighborhood. The performance of Erik Meyers, as a gay neighbor harboring feelings for Midnight, only to be thwarted by Midnight's current paramour- hilarious. Erik had my favorite line in the movie, "I'm so sexy it hurts my nether quarters."
And the last scene of the movie, where Midnight saves the family and it's revealed what Craig has carved on his pumpkin- truly a moment I was charmed by.
Once again, no art, no craft, but you can't help but be swept up a little by Norby's enthusiasm. Not a great job, but a good job.
I give it one Aristotle, or two and a half Shakespeares (his plays had five acts.)
And now, for your viewing pleasure, "The Midnight Movie"
I. It's NOT your fault... A. We have a child fixation in this country 1. Obsession with youth 2. Obsession with safety 3. Obsession with fear a. Fear of anything foreign b. Fear of germs c. Fear of growing old/death B. We live vicariously through our celebrities 1. Endless examples of media outlets focused on: a. who celebs are dating b. what celebs are wearing c. where celebs are going 2. The paparazzi C. We live in a culture of free finger-pointing and celebrity schadenfreude 1. People love to judge others 2. I'm tempted to blame Jerry Springer or CNN a. at least Jerry KNOWS he's a ringmaster b. is this shit really news? c. will you get left alone when: i. Paris goes back to jail? ii. Britney does something, hell, anything else? iii. Anna Nicole's tragic infant cuts its first tooth?
II. Please stop destroying yourself... A. Killing yourself with drugs is not the answer 1. I know it hurts 2. You can't please everybody 3. Start taking care of yourself B. Getting in touch with whatever it is inside you 1. You're fascinating on screen 2. Talent is only part of it 3. You have that "something else" people are born with or not C. That energy inside you is the key 1. Everyone is born a unique child of the universe 2. The key is to transcend this illusion of separateness 3. When you hurt yourself, you hurt all of us
III. There are people who LOVE you no matter what... A. Probably not: 1. Your Parents a. Has their desire to manage your career been beneficial to: i. your actual career? ii. your life? iii. Or just THEM? b. Have they ever disciplined you? i. time-out ii. the ol' "I'm gonna' count to ten, and you had better be..." iii. spanking c. Have they ever ACTUALLY uttered the words, "We love you no matter what you decide to do..."? i. or "no matter your income..." ii. or "we trust you to make the best choice for you..." iii. or "anyone can grow up to be president..." 2. Hollywood Producers (or anyone else that sees you as a commodity first and a human being second (if at all)) 3. Most people in Hollywood, for that matter B. But those of us that have loved you since you were a kid, and lamented a little bit your entrance into womanhood, like parents that know their little girls must grow up, but wish those times of believing in Santa Claus could go on just a while longer. Those of us that do not celebrate your troubles, but wonder if there will be any non-fatal escape for you. Those of us that love you just the way you are, regardless of hair-color, weight, or box office returns. C. And now, some tough love- grow up and stop looking for the answers outside of yourself. Nothing OUT THERE means anything. The answers are within.
I love you Lindsay. Please learn to love yourself. Sincerely, Arnie Ellis Post-script- myspace has a crappy blog editor for mac users, hence the improper indentations...
Thou Art Greatness? or Wireless Ranting (Thank You Tesla)
Current mood: In Pursuit
I have to start out by saying this: I'm REALLY starting to love where I'm at lately. My last couple of stand-up performances have been incredible experiences during a time of high career anxiety for me. I'm starting to feel it again-- WHY I'm doing this.
I'm making less money than I have ever made in my adult life, being faced with constant rejection in many arenas, staring failure in the face at every turn, and absolutely LOVING it.
I'm remembering again. I'm seeing it again. I do this BECAUSE of the fact that it's so risky. BECAUSE it's like going all-in at the cosmic final table.
But what is my ultimate goal?
Do I HAVE to have one?
I just want to do this for the rest of my life- as long as it's about coming from a place of service, making people laugh while promoting oneness and BEING love.
I want EVERYONE to strive for greatness (which does not necessarily equal traditional views of success.)
Nikola Tesla was great. I truly believe that he did what he did for the good of all mankind. He was rejected. He was stabbed in the back. But to him it wasn't about business. It was about discovery. It was about connection. It was about reconciliation with God.
Here's a great example of the kind of stuff Tesla was doing in the 30's and 40's, before he died and the FBI seized all his research. Check this out, and I pray it keeps the light within all of you reaching out for true illumination
