Interview series:
Current mood: cooky/wacky

One of my dearest friends in all the world (BigBreckBlonde, who I will undoubtedly slip up and call by her real first name, so hopefully she'll forgive me here if I just flat out refer to her as Paula instead of BBB, since nobody reads my blog anyway (seeing as how I never post anything to it except utterly random crap). Now that I've outed her, I'm going to respond to the five "soft lobs" she threw me for this interview series thing.

The two interviews I've read on her blog were something akin to Edward R. Murrow interviewing the lovechild of Hunter S. Thompson and Dorothy Parker. I'm afraid mine is going to be more like Maury Povich interviewing the trashy woman whose kids want her to stop wearing shirts that expose her middle-aged belly and her drooping cleavage. The lameness will be through NO fault of Paula's of course...I'm just saying that this interview surely won't compare to hers. You want good writing, go to her blog. You want my usual sarcasm that's spelled well but otherwise mildly incoherent and rambling? Read on.

1. Explain to me why you like nonfiction better than fiction.
I don't know that I necessarily "like" nonfiction better, it's just what I tend to read more. I'm a voracious reader, and a lifelong learner. Although well-written fiction certainly has the ability to teach, you can learn alot more from non-fiction, even the poorly-written stuff.

That, and when I'm reading fiction, and there is something really awful that happens to a character, it always makes me feel kind of sick and a little bit sad; if that same thing is in a non-fiction book, I can say that yes, we all know the world is fucked up, and the author is just reporting on events. But when jacked up things happen in a fiction book, it makes me feel yucky because I know that it's just coming out of the author's imagination, and who wants to think about horrible things when there are so many other things to imagine?

Okay, that makes it sound like I think that all art has to be happy. Which is completely untrue....but a muuuuuuch longer conversation for a muuuuuch longer blog.


2. Why do you refuse to watch the fourth Indiana Jones movie?
Because years and years ago, I saw Harrison Ford on Leno. Jay Leno pulled out a bullwhip and asked Harrison to crack it. The man completely could not do it. I've had a pretty massive celebrity crush on Harrison since I was wee. To see him so IMPOTENT was just crushing! And now, I won't be able to watch the fourth Indiana Jones movie without wondering if he had a stunt double to do all his whip cracking.

3. You can live anywhere you choose in the continental U.S... great house, great job, great gardening spots, all that crap taken care of. Where would you live?
The million dollar question, darling. Why do you think I'm still renting?

4. Time and money are no object: what is your absolute favorite thing to do all day tomorrow?
Do I have to spend all day doing one thing? I suppose it would be art. Or Art. Of some kind. But I really prefer balance. So I'll make up my ideal schedule:

6:30-7:30 a.m. (yes, I've discovered that I like to get up early!). Make coffee. Eat breakfast. Read a book on the front porch (because in my dream world, it's 75 degrees 24 hours a day).

7:30-8:30. Get all my "stuff" done. Shower, check email, clean whatever needs cleaning, so that I don't have to think about any of it the rest of the day.

9:30-10:30. Play out in my garden before it gets too hot.

10:30-4:30. Draw, paint, eat lunch, repeat. (well, repeat the "draw/paint" part. Only have lunch once. Unless it was a lunch of perfect summer watermelon. Then repeat it until the watermelon is gone!).

4:30-4:45. Go back out in the garden and see if anything grew during the middle part of the day. Yes, I seriously do this now).

4:45-8:30. Cook dinner for my man and a couple good friends. Somebody else does the dishes.

8:30-9:30. Go for a walk as the fireflies come out (okay, apparently this is a summer schedule. haha).

9:30-?? Go back to the house with my man and...wouldn't you like to know!! heh.

Whenever we're done-6:30 a.m. Sleep nekkid on nice sheets and dream happy dreams.

A simple life. But good. Oh, and hopefully there's a dog in there somewhere. He could go on the walk with us. And sleep at the foot of the bed (but he would be banished to some other part of the house besides the bedroom from 9:30-??. Wait, and I don't actually want to have scheduled nookie-time. It's just that if my guy comes over when I'm trying to cook, I can't burn the dinner for some lovin'. And I'm not going to sneak off with him when my friends are there. Well, not on a regular basis anyway....).

5. I'm giving you a contract to write and illustrate a children's book that would become as beloved as Good Night Moon or a Dr. Seuss book... what would the message of the book be?

I thought I told you to ask me EASY questions!! I guess I would like it to have a universal message, but have it be told in a really unusual way. Take, for example, the book "Santa Calls" by William Joyce? Know it? You should! The essential message is about getting along with your siblings. But it involves an evil queen, a flying kayak, a candy-obsessed cowboy, evil dwarves, a hot air balloon, a snowball fight and an orangutan. I would like to write a book like that.

Now if you'd like to play along, please follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog (so you have to have a blog) with a post containing your answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

6:04 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

You tell me...
Current mood: content

If I told you that I had just fixed a broken venetian blind using a fork and a paring knife, you would say that I: (answer in comments)

A. Am a good cook, or at least have the utensils to be a good eater.
B. Am in need of tools (I have them, they're just in my scary basement).
C. Am like the female Macgyver (minus the awesome mullet) and could figure my way out of most any situation using only my shoelace, a dirty tube sock, some flint and a stick of chewing gum.
D. Other (please specify).

Talk amongst yourselves. I'm going to go paint.

Currently reading : Atlas Shrugged By Ayn Rand Release date: 01 August, 1999

5:44 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Roasted spider
Current mood: sick

I've been packing like crazy tonight, and decided to take a break and make some tea.

I turned on the burner for the water, and noticed a weird smell. And smoke. WTF, right?

I took the kettle off the burner to look at the drip pan and see what food is on fire.

It's not food. IT'S A MOTHER FUCKING SPIDER. THAT WAS ALIVE. UNTIL I FRIED IT TO A CRISP. AND IT WAS ON FIRE, TWITCHING.

I think I just barfed in my mouth a little.



To make matters worse, my house now smells like roasted spider.

Currently reading : Midnight's Children By Salman Rushdie Release date: 01 January, 1991

7:41 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment