catwalk striptease
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

she pulled off her ruffled blouse

saying, "intimacy is just cigarette ashes, and hell, i'm just not interested".

i left her standing in nothing but her worn out pale blue jeans

headaches and depression...

she filed some charges about something

anything and everything

which was sheer orgasmic bliss

(in deference to recent information from opposition forces).

it was an erotic fairytale

a catwalk striptease

in exquisitely

perfect

rythym. 

Currently listening : Swordfishtrombones By Tom Waits Release date: 15 June, 1990

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saying goodbye
Current mood: crushed
Category: Writing and Poetry

janis,

i forgive you for all the knocked over beverages

the destroyed rugs and blankets

& your constant need for love and attention.

i forgive you for the way you climb on the stove

and drink from dirty cups lingering in the sink.

i am charmed by how you eat nothing at all

unless it doesn't belong to you

how you persistantly walk on my computer keyboard

and dig your claws deeply into my thighs

drawing blood when possible.

sometimes you are really such a bitch

but i would happily clean your bathroom

every single fucking day

for another sixteen years

and be overjoyed to cater to your every whim

if you would just stay

damn it.

Currently listening : Tea for the Tillerman By Cat Stevens Release date: 23 May, 2000

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the lure of possibility
Current mood: curious
Category: Life

i am constantly seduced by the lure of possibility, the sense that each time, that the undiscovered might hold the Answer...might prove to be the long-sought panacea. 

A never ending pursuit of the Other.  I can't help but quote The Velvet Underground: "...no kinds of love are better than others, and for me to miss one would seem to be groundless."  okay, granted, it's Lou Reed, but applied broadly, perhaps to life in general, this statement seems to hold much truth.  Not to pursue every possibility is inexcusable.  Admittedly, this is an addictive (even dangergous) philosophy, to always seek, never content to sit still, to always be curious and prepared to enter into the Unknown.  To live with your eyes and your mind forever open...realizing the ultimately sought after Answer will likely never be reached.

The journey is the elusive panacea...

Currently listening : Lady Day: The Master Takes and Singles By Billie Holiday Release date: 25 September, 2007

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sexually assertive women?
Category: Romance and Relationships

last night i was having some nasty insomia, which i've discovered will make you do some ridiculous things...like flip chanels and decide to watch the tyra banks show (it was either that or frasier).  i settled on the tyra show because the introduction stated that the show was going to be about sexually assertive women...quite possibly an interesting topic (i'm a big fan of sexually assertive women).

i watched tyra's introduction to the program, in which she stated that "some women find it appropriate to actually initiate sex."  apparently these bold, crazy, liberated women openly admit that they like sex.  these sexually assertive women were considered as such, and were apparently thus worthy of being interviewed on national television, because they might be so bold as to express their sexual needs.  wow. 

i turned the program off after watching in disbelief for about 15 minutes.  it seems the world we live in considers a woman expressing her sexuality in any way to be assertive, even aggressive, behavior.  has the feminist movement accomplished nothing?  does much of this country still live in the victorian era?  maybe the tryra banks show just caters to a different demographic than i am used to being around....a demographic that may be larger than i ever imagined.  these women considered masturbation to be a bold move, worthy of much giggling and blushing.

thanks for reading my small, outraged, rant.  i just needed to vent my amazement and exasperation...i'm going trolling for kinky sex now.

Currently listening : Rain Dogs By Tom Waits Release date: 15 June, 1990

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mall phobia
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

i've been trying to find a pair of high-heeled, preferably platform, knee-high boots that don't actually come up to my lower thigh or leave a gaint gap between my calf and the top of the boot (it's not an easy task for all 5'0" and 90lbs. of me).  i've tried the boutiques and thrift-stores with no luck.  i can't buy them online for lack of the ability to try them on first and find out if they make me look like i'm wearing my mom's boots or trying to look like a tiny dominatrix.  so today, out of sheer desperation, i went to a mall.

i hadn't been to a mall since i was a teenager, growing up in the god-forsaken depths of the long-island suburbs...in the 80's.  you remember (jj, don't deny it) ~ big hair and the lingering smell of aqua-net, the irocs with that insipid eagle painted on the hood, girls in tight 'acid-washed' jeans, the sounds of "the carpenters" musac, shall i go on?  the smith-haven mall, where all the cool kids hung out and flirted with each other in the food-court, drank beer in the parking lot on saturday nights.  it was also the place where my mom dragged me countless times as a child to go school-shopping, which was always a completely mortifying experience. 

needless to say that as an adult, i have some serious mall-issues, a phobia even, but i really need boots.  so i braved my fears and found the barton creek mall.  i tried to mentally prepare myself.  i told myself that it would be different this time.  i stood by the entrance and smoked a lot of cigarettes to summon up my courage, then i went inside.  the clothes are a little different, but the air, the light, the sense of timelessness (much like an airport), the murmur of exhuberant shoppers, the "nirvana" musac, the teenagers in the food-court...it's all just as i remember.  it's strange, but all those deeply buried mall-feelings came flooding back.  a strong sense memory came over me.  i felt extremely icky.  i wanted to turn around and flee, but damn it, i really need boots, so i dared to venture further.  all told, i lasted about an hour.  i bought a sweater from the petites' department of j. jill. and got my ass out of there.  no boots.

well, i tried.  i really did.  my boot mission was a complete failure, and i am ashamed and frustrated at my lack of mall endurance.  i may try again, next time with a companion for encouragement and safety.  maybe i'll even bring this mall problem up in therapy sometime...or maybe i just don't need boots as much as i thought.  

Currently listening : Hungry for Stink By L7 Release date: 12 July, 1994

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your life is your art
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

the past year of my life has been a made-for-television melodrama.  i figure that since it didn't kill me, i am supposed to be here on this earth for some reason, that reason remaining somewhat unclear.  i survived a move to a completely foriegn culture, a grand-mal brain seizure (N.M.S.), and a job that required me to wear KHAKIS (i am strongly opposed to khakis in general).  my resiliance is clearly being tested. 

i think it was may west who said "life ain't for pussies".

i'm a bit torn and tattered, but i now have an exceptional chapter for my forthcoming (release date t.b.d.) autobiography.   i often wonder what my 'purpose' is, but i also believe that if at the end of my journey, my life makes for a really interesting book, then i have fulfilled my 'purpose' and led a sucessful life.  so far (trust me) there are no boring chapters...so i guess i'm doing pretty well.  maybe i'm just supposed to collect a tremendous amount of truly fabulous shoes.

your life is your art...so create a masterpiece.  and remember that no masterpiece was ever conceived without some pain and suffering. 

"gotta hurry on back to my hotel room, where i got me a date with botticelli's niece.  she promised that she'd be there with me, when i paint my masterpiece...someday life will be sweet like a rhapsody, when i paint my masterpiece."...thanks bob, i'm working on it. 

Currently reading : Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte Release date: 01 February, 2004

9:58 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

kosher fluff
Current mood: amused

people find it very disturbing when i laugh by myself; apparently it's supposed to be exclusively a social activity.  yet sometimes certain things or situations just make me laugh, and i don't see why i shouldn't...

in the grocery store store today, i passed through the kosher food aisle and noticed that among the matza products and gefilte fish (ick!) there was snugly situated a space for 'marshmallow fluff'.  i couldn't help but giggle rather loudly.  what is it about fluff that makes it a kosher food?  do kosher jews eat a lot of fluff with their borscht?  i'm going to assume that the market just didn't know where else to put the stuff.  i actually asked an employee about the store's marshmallow-fluff-placement-choice, and he was at a loss for a reasonable answer.  he did tell me that they don't sell a lot of it, which i suppose is because people wanting fluff simply can not locate it. 

grammatical errors (on occasion) elicit within me a similar hilarity.  i purchased an all-in-one make-up remover simply because it was labeled as 'make-up and eye remover'.  i can remove lipstick, face-powder, and eyes!  amazing.

i believe that laughter, perhaps only with and for myself, is totally acceptable behavior, despite the odd looks i inevitably receive.  even my cat looks at me as if i've lost my mind.

Currently listening : Guero By Beck Release date: 29 March, 2005

9:31 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

exhausted lingerie
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Writing and Poetry

nothing quite so perfect

as soul-glittering sheets

and exhausted lingerie

in a sink full

of wine-stained dirty tea-cups.

Currently listening : To Bring You My Love By PJ Harvey Release date: 28 February, 1995

9:43 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

random interaction of the day
Current mood: amused

i have noticed (and confirmed with a few friends) that in texas most people simply do not "get", or take kindly to, my somewhat sarcastic humorous remarks.  mostly i am met with a blank stare or a facial expression that clearly reads "what a bitch, or freak, or whatthehellisshetalkingabout".  i have tried to censor myself a bit, reminding myself that it is not absolutely necessary to say out loud every thought that goes through my head, but sometimes it just happens.

today, shortly after returning home, there was a knock on the door, which turned out to be from a cable salesperson wanting me to subscribe to additional services.  i declined, after winkingly inquiring as what kind of 'services' he might be offering, which flew directly over his head.  he started telling me about premium channels and such.  i declined again, saying, "it sounds like an excellent deal, but i'm unemployed right now, and i don't watch much tv, blah, blah, blah".  he proceeded to give me his card and tell me that they were currently hiring, i should give him a call.  the name on the card was schoenfelt or something like that - clearly a german name.  glancing at the card, i told him that i was jewish, so it might not work out between us.  he looked truly taken aback for a moment, and then (suddenly picking up on the fact that i was kidding and looking rather pleased with himself) said off-handedly, "well, that might be good...you probably know how to say 'money' really well".  i responded, "actually, i know how to say a lot of things really well", and smilingly closed the door.

i'm just pleased as punch that somebody in these parts finally, praise be, "got" my stupid, maybe slightly off-color, sense of humor.  i feel so much better.   

Currently listening : Hunky Dory By David Bowie Release date: 28 September, 1999

11:56 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

amazing grace
Current mood: indescribable

Sometimes, very rarely, i encounter a person who has intelligence, creativity, and a certain understanding of life that actually makes sense to me.  These people sparkle, and inspire me to embrace, and further, my artistic vision, my unknown possibilities...because truly, anything is possible. 

I am amazed when i meet one these special souls.  Our spirits collide and converge, like a car wreck where everyone walks away unscathed, with a new appreciation of being alive.  I have been incredibly lucky to know a handful of these people in my 'alice in wonderland' lifetime. 

I know two people, a beautiful, amazing couple, who have been a constant source of love and inspiration to me for the past three years.  I am astounded to know not just one, but two like-minded spirits...it is a relationship like nothing i've ever experienced, and certainly nothing i ever expected.  I feel such love for them, and they return that love in exquisite excess.  We inspire each other in so many ways...damn, i am blessed to have met them.  No matter where we are in our lives or what city we are in, and no matter how much time goes by between when we see each other, just knowing that they exist in this crazy, fucked up world, i feel lifted up and given hope by their multi-faceted beauty and energy.  

I never gush like this...I guess i just needed to write down my thanks to the universe for bringing these two glittering spirits into my orbit.  You never know what will taken from you and what will be given. 

Currently listening : Pearl By Janis Joplin Release date: 31 August, 1999

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