How a Vibrating Cock Ring Saved My Sanity
Current mood: determined
Category: Life

Well folks, its been a long time and we have some catching up to do. This is not the cynical, sarcastic blog that you have been accustomed to. This is more of a confessional session, my friends. Its also an explanation for my absence.  While I feel a little weird for pouring my heart out, I hope that reading my story may inspire someone else who may be going through the same thing right now. 

Last year, I was really beginning to hate my job…I mean REALLY hate my job.  Five years of exotic dancing (and 7 years in the adult business) finally took its' toll on me. Walking into the club, I would glare at everyone around me in disgust and imagine killing them all with a chainsaw, hacking everyone one to bloody fucking shreds!  I felt depressed, isolated and exhausted as well as in desperate need of a vacation. I was having horrible nights at work; coming home with $100 or less after a night of being groped, fondled, exploited and demeaned. Often spending entire days in bed, I became isolated from my friends and daylight, not getting up until it was time for me to go back to work and put myself through the horrid cycle all over again.

There were days I even contemplated suicide.

Two to three weeks would go by without going to work; I would tell myself, "I will go tomorrow." Tomorrow wouldn't come until it was time to pay the rent. Dragging myself to work feeling like a zombie, hoping for some angel customer to come and make it all go away. At the time, I worked in a fancy Manhattan club, paying ridiculous amounts of money to work and rarely feeling like I measured up. There was always someone who the customers wanted more than me; I was always getting passed up for the big tit blonde. Did the customers sense my disdain for them and everything else? Did they smell my desperation whenever rent was due?

Oh yeah.

I felt ugly no matter what I did to my hair or what perfume I wore. Because I slept all the time, I was getting skinny, preferring to stay in bed rather than cook. I was pale because I hadn't seen the sun in months. I kept thinking, "Something has got to give," but things continued to stay the same.

In fact, they got worse; a dancer friend came to live with me who, unbeknownst to me was a raging alcoholic. Of course, she picked fights with me every time she was drunk—I was being railroaded and was too depressed to care. Consequently, my (on and off again) boyfriend and I would fight about my lack of backbone which of course, made me even more depressed. It was getting closer to a new year and my life was, lack of a better word, just plain shitty. Fortunately, I never turned to drugs or alcohol-sleep was my drug of choice; whenever I was angry or depressed, I got sleepy. Due to my lack of nutrition, I was getting sick all the time and ended up getting pneumonia, rendering me bedridden for nearly 2 months. I slept through most of it.

When I finally was able to work again, I went to the first club I ever danced in. I was welcomed with open arms by the manager, who knew me when I was a naive baby stripper. With my newfound energy I was raking in money--at times it seemed too easy. Of course, nothing lasts forever—I was fired by the owner for standing up for myself (that's a story for another day).

The night I was fired, something in me changed.

It was getting near Christmas time; I missed my family, my friends and my sanity. My depression had completely closed my off from the things and the people I loved--I couldnt bare having anyone see me in this condition. My alcoholic friend was driving me nuts; as much as I loved her—she had to go. Being at the end of my rope it was impossible to be nice about it. One morning, I woke her up at 7am and told her go out and start looking. Disgruntled, she got up, got dressed, walked out the door and never returned.  Finally able to clear some mental space, the cold reality hit me; I had slept through 2007—what happened to my dreams and ambitions?  It was time to start over.

Deciding not renew the lease on my expensive apartment, immediately l set out for cheap rooms to rent; if I was going to make some changes, I could not be stressing about money. In January, with the help of my friends (and some hired movers found via Craigslist) I moved out of my lovely, spacious apartment into a microscopic 8X12 room.  

Then I got the flu for three weeks.

When I got better I floated around various clubs, working the dayshift to free myself of the vampire lifestyle. The money on dayshift wasn't the best but it was low pressure. The next step was getting some professional help; after being so depressed and fucked up in the head about god-knows-what, seeing a head shrinker once a week was going to be key to not banging my head into a fucking wall.

After talking to my cool new totally Jewish and totally gay shrink, I realized that the strip club industry was making me a goddamn lunatic.

It was time for some divine intervention.

And It came in the form of a vibrating cock ring

I'm working the insanely boring dayshift at Cityscapes, dying of the secondhand smoke and poor ventilation system when a well-dressed man calls me over. I sit. We chat. I ask. He's game. We go. He made himself comfortable in the lapdance room as explained the prices and such. I begin the dance and he immediately gets impatient. "You're not going to dance???" he harps and starts trying to tug my clothes off. I giggle, "No, no. You naughty boy! Be patient!"  He gives me a blank stare in return, then pulls me onto his lap and tries to grind his dick into my back. As I tried to get my balance, his cell phone started to vibrate. "Oh honey, your phone is buzzing," I said in hopes he would answer is phone and stop touching me. He says, "Can you feel it?" "Uh…yeah, that's why I said it." I stood up and immediately he yanks me back onto his crotch.

It wasn't his phone that was buzzing.

I quickly got up. "You're wearing a vibrator???" I asked. He looked at me like I was the idiot here and says, "It's a cock ring. I asked you if you could feel it. You said it was ok." The nerve of this prick! I told him, "I never agreed to anything like that, actually. Look, I don't give a shit if you want to wear that thing under your clothes. However, that is extra. We can go into a private dance room…I'm no prude but I'm not going to grind on you for $20." The customer was indignant, "I forgive you. Don't worry about it, you just don't know how to give a proper lapdance that's all."

I was fucking livid.

"Look buddy," I said. "I'm not the one who walked in here with a vibrating cock ring, expecting a $20 nut. AND MY LAPDANCING IS FINE—YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT IF YOU HAD SOME RESPECT." I demanded my payment (he had to go to the ATM, of course I had to fucking wait) for wasting my time with this bullshit. As he handed me the money, he had the nerve to say, "Ive been coming here long before you ever worked here. I should talk to the manager about your attitude problem."

I pointed out the manager for him, "He's right over there."

At the end of my shift, I walked out of Cityscapes and vowed never to work in a strip club again. That was six months ago.

I couldnt wait to tell Andrew, my totally Jewish and totally gay shrink. Sitting in his office, I said happily, "Dude, I'm done with the strip clubs...and the exploitation and emotional ringer bullshit that can come when you begin to snap like on of those fucking chinese popper things!"  

"What are you going to do now?" He asked me. He rarely ever says anything, but he laughs at my jokes. Its such a relief when your shrink has a sense of humor.

Good question.

"I'm going to start a dial-a-stripper service," I said. I had the connections, some cash for advertising--why not? I thought it was a great idea. When you work private parties you charge a flat fee and the customers can tip if they want. The average booking is about an hour and a half and most private party dancers charge $200-300 a booking. There were times I didnt make that in a 12 hour shift!

Andrew nodded, "That's a good idea. That can be a goal you can set for yourself. It sounds very acheivable"

Over the weeks after leaving Cityscapes, I placed ads, printed business cards and made calls. I was determined to get it done.

There's much more to this story but this blog is long enough.

But yeah kiddies. I'm OK now.

And Dr Stripper is back for real this time.

Until then!

2:37 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The PHD Now Makes Housecalls! Get me (and my friends) naked on your lap!
Current mood: rejuvenated
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Hey Everyone!

Assuming you havn't left me completely for greener pastures, I just wanted to give you a quick update and let you know I'll be back on the block soon!

After going through some personal struggles, I am pleased to say out i'm out of the funk and your will be seeing a more industrious side of me.

I have just started a company by the name of Scarlett Lenoir Entertainment (and I have the business cards to prove it!). Its a Dial-A-Stripper Service right now, but i plan on expanding it to include club based events.

When my house mate gets the internet connected again (sigh) I'll actually be able to blog. You know me, I still type like a 4 year old...

Ive got to run now, but I will be back on.

3:32 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

My Blog Sucks! I Need YOUR Help, Dear Readers!!
Current mood: chipper
Category: Friends

Alrighty Kiddies,

I said that I would answer a bunch a questions that I had sitting in my inbox for awhile now; being the asshat that I am, I deleted all of the good ones, thinking they were old ones that I had already answered.

I've also recieved alot of the same questions; you wont believe how many I get asking how to get a date with a stripper (the same way you get a date with any woman; dangle a diamond necklace in front of her until you lure her into the trunk of your car...you can also bag her in Borat fashion). It's cool, I get that guys are trying to pursue "the holy grail," but..

Yeah, that's getting a little old.

Alot of chicks want to become strippers, ok, I've covered the basics on that one, I plan on doing a part 2 for that as well.

I havent been promoting my page lately and in my away time I've lost some readers. You gotta work to bring traffic to your blog, I dont know how the top bloggers do it. I get really bored on MS sometimes, especially now that I have filter through all of these notes and friend requests from escort agencies, spammers and other people that are trying to sell me shit or hack my account somehow. I turn down alot of friend requests that I get, because I dont want a friend list full of spammers and annoying web cam bitches.

Now that I've vented a little, this is what I need from you guys:

ASK ME SOME QUESTIONS! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

As long as its not "What are you doing tonight? I need some ass." we can be cool! Also, if you like my stuff, pass it on to a friend (I'm not sure what I can do in return other than giving you a shout out and a link, but we'll talk).

Give me some inspiration people!

2:31 AM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Would YOU Date a Stripper??? Why or Why Not?
Category: Romance and Relationships

I started this topic in the Romance & Relationships forums and the mods deleted it. I'm still not sure why. So if you want to discuss it here....go ahead.

You have to subscribe before you can post, though.

12:19 AM - 33 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

Happy Birthday ME!
Current mood: drunk
Category: Life

Thank you everyone sooo much for your kind words of support through my rough times. It started from November; after coming down with what was the flu of the century that lasted until the last week of December, it just sort of went downhill from there.

I'm feeling MUCH better now!

I'm finally back on the block and I am happy to say that I just had my 25th birthday on the 6th. The day was crazy and stressful, but it ended well and I'm still drunk as I type this.

Oh, PLEASE GET YOUR FLU SHOTS!!! Especially if you have a weak immune system, work with the public or are over the age of 50. I was unable to work for 2 months and in my biz, you cannot afford to be sick.

Working in a club high on robitussin can be an experience though; a dancer friend had suggested that I audition for her club, Riviera, which is a fairly new club in Astoria, Queens. The clientele, she said, consisted of mostly Italians and Greeks, which worked for me-Italians love me and have always been my best customers. I was sick as a dog, but needed some cash so I downed a bottle of grape flavored triamedic, met my friend and headed to the club. The club was large and had a nice layout, most of the staff was friendly, and the most of the dancers were attractive. I chat with the housemom, who refers me to the owner, who ignores me and leaves me waiting in the dressing room for almost an hour while picks his nose or something. He finally comes back and says, "Ok, open your top," I do. "Alright, turn around," I do. "Ok, thanks, you're hired." I was sorta wondering if the owner was going to give me a pap smear or better yet say, "Miss, can you hold your balls and cough, please?" It all felt so clinical--sheesh.

*For the uninitiated, an "audition" usually consists of dancing one or two songs on an unoccupied stage in your costume, you take off your clothes, dance some more and they give you a schedule (if you are hired). If they don't like you for whatever reason, they give you a lame brushoff like, "We have too many girls, so we aren't hiring" or something like that. While this is the standard procedure, other club managers may just talk to you for a second and ask you to strip down in thier office without the big pony show.

As I'm waiting for the grand tour of the club, the housemom calls me aside and whispers,

"The owner said you can work tonight, but he said you need to put on  makeup."

"Uh, I am wearing makeup." I was thinking in my head, "This bitch is trying to play me, but I'm too high off "tha tussun" to care." I had a fever the night before; apparently, no amount of makeup would cover my obvious sickly misery.

She then scrutinzes my face and says,

"Yeah, you're wearing very light makeup, but you need to create a fantasy for these guys. Fix yourself up, ok?"

She meant well, but I wanted to smack her. Men were staring at me on the train, because I looked like a fucking drag queen! If I put on any more makeup, I would probably be mistaken for one.

"Uh, ok, but I doubt if any of these guys will be looking at my face."

The housemom took a drag of her cigarette and said warmly, "Of course they will honey, you're a lovely girl," she touched my head, "but you need to do something with your hair."

Ok, the old bat got points for complimenting me. My hair was pretty flat; the housemom asked nicely so I fried my locks with my trusty curling iron. Honestly, I didn't bother to style my hair earlier because queens strip clubs hire anyone that walks through the door. I have never had a problem getting hired in queens, or anywhere else for that matter.

I went through the motions of putting on more makeup (all I did was put on darker lipstick) at which the housemom said, "See, that made a big difference, you look great!"

Ok, ok, the curling iron helped. Or maybe it was "tha tussun."

I hit the floor, I walked around. La-la-di-da, not a care in the world. I chat with a customer, couldn't keep track of the conversation though.

"So, where are you from Candice?"

...Did I leave the oven on?

"Huh, oh, what did you say?"

"Where are you from Candice, do live here in Astoria?"

...I wonder when Dexter is going to find the icetruck killer, awww Michael C. Hall is so cute...

"Huh, could you repeat the question?"

Yep, I was spacey as hell. Blame it on "tha tussun."

When I got called to the stage, I was so out of it, I couldn't keep the beat. That was fun. "Tha tussun" strikes again.

To top it all off, my nose would not stop running. Everyone must have thought I was coke fiend. I was spacey, could not stop sweating and constantly sniffling; all signs of coke use.

Great, I made a fabulous first impression.

After 4 or 5 hours of work, 40 bucks to the dj to keep me off the stage and 20 to the housemom, I left with $250. Which is not much by some dancer's standards, but I wasn't complaining; many of the girls were complaining that they made zilch.

Whatever. Just as long as I didn't leave emptyhanded. That's $250 more than I had before.

I felt like sharing that experience with you, but in hindsight, it's not that interesting.

*Random-ass Thought:

Drag Queens are really great! Strippers are drag queens too, ya know...

***Tell Me: ***

What did everyone do New Years Eve? Did you make any resolutions?

1:00 PM - 20 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

A Really Boring Guy With A Question & **BONUS** People That I'd Do
Current mood: bored
Category: and horny!! Life

Ok, ok. It ain't my best work, but it's hard keeping people entertained. That is exactly why Madonna has to reinvent herself every 2 years.

Anyhoooo, I wrote an article for Stripperweb.com and an UK online magazine called Strip Magazine picked it up. Here's the link if you want to read it. It's called "Killer Lapdances=More $$$ For You!" Tell me what you think!

To the question! A boring ass romantic writes:

 "Dr. Stripper,

I know you're more apt to write about strippers and adult business, but I had a question I felt you could help with anyways. You once recomended MySpace as a way to meet women (although it was intendedly given for bi women and lesbians).

What would you recomend in regards to what to write as to get a decent response?

I've sent many messages to women trying to focus on something on their profile, trying to establish a connection, but get little in responce to my questions. Many women have beautiful photos, but little to nothing in their profile to describe a persona or opinion.
(Some of them are fake, merely "advertisments" soliciting for other sites, but not all are.) I am looking for a relationship, not sex, and a girl with personality, not just looks -- I still haven't figured how to convey this fact effectively (online and in person).

Is there anything I could say or ask to make them respond positively? Should I even bother with those "mindless divas" with virtually blank profiles? And saying "You're hot" or "Gorgeous Eyes" seem cliche and more like cat calls than sincere compliments. I keep coming off as a "creep", one reason I susspect is my "archaic" notions of romance. (I once asked a girl "How would you respond if a stranger gave you a rose?" and she freaked out.)

As a woman online, and a stripper in life, you get "propositioned" quite often -- what messages catch you're eye and make you respond?

Thanks,
dwb.

PS Lovely profile, very incitefuly articles. You sound like a woman of great class and profound depth. If ever we'd have a chance to meet, I'd love to take you out for coffee and conversation."

Honestly honey, there is no message that a guy can send me that would make me interested in them--I personally am not into the dating on Myspace thing. Most women on MS nowadays are on the defensive and don't want to be bothered with annoying guys. The other half are lesbians looking for other lesbians (and believe me, the lesbians proposition me too). You have better luck talking to chicks in the mall. If you dig the mindless divas however--there are plenty of them here.

You can continue to play the numbers game and eventually someone may bite, but I wouldn't bet on it. The only way that you will get a positive response is if the girl likes your page's pictures. So, post some attractive (not decieving) pictures on your page and see what happens. It may help you alot since you have no pics on your page at all.... No one seems to care what people write anyways...

It seems that the stock intro around here is "Hi! I saw your profile and you seem like an interesting person." bla, bla, bla.

Instead of saying that dumbass line about roses...in fact, who was the fucking idiot who told you that was a cute thing to say???  Excuse me while I kick his ass...

I wouldn't freak if a guy said that to me, but I definitely would look at him funny.

Your "archaic notions" are not wierd--this world could use some romance, but Myspace is fine without it.

I'm not an expert on this, but maybe you should find something on her page that is interesting and compliment that, "Hey, I really liked that clip of the monkey riding the bike. Did you film that yourself or did you find it somewhere?"  or "How's the weather in Orange County right now? I will be going there on business and I'm asking around about good places to go." If the person posted something interesting in a forum, you could email them about that. I guess that is what I'd do if I saw hot profile. 

If the person responds favorably, you can ask for an AIM screen name or use Myspace's instant messenger--yes, they have one, but it can be a bit buggy.

Anything is better than, "Gee, you have such pretty eyes"

GOOD LUCK!

Oh, and PS: Thanks! I know I'm a very fucking profound person...and I hate coffee.

...And you wonder why chicks aren't floored by you....Hmmmm. 

And Now, My Teeny-Bopper Inspired BONUS BLOG!

*****************************************

 "Dear Dr. Stripper,

If you could give a lapdance to any famous person, who would it be?"

-Teen People Magazine Reader

A very good question. Do you mean a free lapdance? That would NEVER happen. But since we are talking about fantasy, I'll play. I had to think really long and hard about this because many of the same men that I would like to give a dance to are the same men that I wouldn't mind having in my bed for a night or two. It would be the following guys, but in no particular order, except the Rock, he's definitely #1 on this list.

1. The Rock

I would not mind taking this hunk for a spin the VIP. With him, yes, there would be Sex in the Champagne Room--lots of it. I love men with football/hockey player build. It must be from all those years living on the west coast...I miss seeing Samoan men. Oh Mr. Johnson, what wouldnt I do to you if I saw you in the club...

I always say that mixed people are better looking and more sucessful (sorry purebreds), and Rock's sexy mix of Black & Samoan just DOES IT for me! He gets 100 cool points! Aye papi!

2. Eric Balfour

I fell in love with him when I saw Secondhand Lions where played the grandson of an arab shiek. It was a brief role, but he got my attention. Everyone else may know him from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Tall, lanky and sexy in a sorta "I was ugly when I was kid but you wanna fuck me now" kind of way. If he asked me nicely, I might give him a free dance....actually no, I wouldnt.

3. Jon B.

I love a man that can write, sing and play instruments. Besides, I think skinny men are cute...but uncomfortable to have sex with. So, no sex for Jon. I'd gladly take his $20, though. I saw him in concert awhile back--this one's got some stamina!  So, I might reconsider my "no skinny men" clause.

4. Hrithik Roshan

If you are familiar with Bollywood films, he's a hot item over there. Son of a big cheese movie director--he's not that talented, but DAMN does the boy look good! I'd sop him up with a dash of mango chutney...

5. Lloyd Banks

Don't ask me why. Alot of women find him to be morbid, but I love his gruff voice. He looks like the type of guy that would behave during a lapdance. Like everyone else, he'd still have to pay though. I like his sleepy eyes--its sexy. I'd set his ass "on fire" for sure.

Mr. Banks is Black & Puerto Rican--cool points for him!

6. Jay Hernandez

Most know him from Hostel.With his boyish charm and 2000 watt smile, I'd let him cop a feel or two. Who cares if I get fired? At least I could say that I grabbed his dick...what? I cant do that? Sorry Jay, I must have slipped... Yeah, he still has to pay...

Did anyone see him in Carlito's Way: Rise To Power? Waaaay sexier than Al Pacino, I'd run heroin cartels for Jay's Carlito Brigante anytime...

7. Christina Aguilera

I normally find blondes to be boring (as far as looks go) but I think she's sexy as hell. She could shave her head bald and I'd still totally do her. I'd toss her tiny ass all over the Champagne Room! I don't dig boob jobs either, but in my eyes, Christina can do no wrong. Grrr, she's fucking hot!

She also gets cool points for being Ecuadorian & Irish.

8. Achal from America's Next Top Model

She's got to be the only one on that show that has boobs & ass. If she wanted a lapdance, I probably would just stare at her....for hours. I might feel her up a few times though...

9. Lenny Kravitz

I've said this before, but mixed people are always better looking--Lenny's no exception. he would have to pay for a dance, but I'd do him for free. In fact, I would totally let Lenny, Rock, Lloyd & Christina ALL run a train on me and it would be a bi-racial loooovefest! Yeah baby! Let Love Rule!!!

10. Eugene Levy

I love this guy! Humor is ALWAYS sexy in a man. Sure, he doesn't have big pecs or rock hard abs, but I bet he'd give me a run the money though!

**********************************************************

Random Ass Thought of the Day: Why do some men think eating pussy is gross? I mean, blowjobs aint exactly a walk in the park, ya know...

**********************************************************

2:21 AM - 22 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

When Chuck Norris Hits The Titty Bar...Strippers Pay HIM!
Category: Life

Sometimes get some really wierd emails from people. That's what this is about.

This guy, who calls himself  "Guerrero De Dios" (for you non spanish speakers "Soldier of God") sent me this:

"WhAtS gOoD , JuSt pAsSiNg bY tO MakE sUrE U KnOw gOD LOVeS yOu, AnD If U wAnNa gEt To KnOw HiM , u neEd To asK hiS SoN jEsUs cHriSt, tO HeLp U GeT to hIm.
He'S NoT gOnNa mAkE u LoVe HiM BuT he'S AlWaYs tHerE loViNg And waItInG FoR U To cOmE To hiM. hOpEfuLLy yOu TaKe tImE Out tO fOcUs oN uR LiFe, AnD If u AlReAdY FeEl GoDs hOlY SpIRt AnD KnOw WeRe U GoInG WhEn U pAsS aWaY aNd U hAvE ThaT RelAIoNsHIp wItH hIM tHeN u kNOw WhAt It iS AlReAdY.
AnYtHinG U MIgHt Be wOnDeRiNg Or HaVe No KnOWlEdGe AbOuT........ juSt gEt At Me AnD If i CaN hElP, i WiLL ................ TaKe SuMtIme oUT EvErY dAy AnD TaLK To JeSuS."

Who writes like that anyway?
I said: "Aww, you're trying to save a stripper from the firey depths of hell...how nice..."

I also inquired as to whether or not I'm going to hell for being a stripper. Yes, I was trying to provoke him...I can't stand bible thumpers. He sent me a message asking me to listen to his voice message so I can "get an idea of what hell will be like." 

....Well, buddy, my friend friend went to Hell and sent me a postcard from there. She said it was very nice.

Another one I got was from a nice lady in Akansas. Big Bertha writes: "You should be ashamed of yourself. Whores like you damage marriages and encorage pediphilla. i hope you happy with yourself and the fall of the American family  that you contribute to."

She sent me her picture later on, asking if she could get a job at my club.

I said: Actually I am not a whore: whores have sex for money. I wish I got paid for all of the sex I have had, as much of it wasn't that good. It would have been nice to walk away with some cash in lieu of an orgasm that I didn't recieve in the first place. When I become a whore, I will be sure to let you know so you can properly criticize me.

One of my faves, from some guy says: "i need a private show...........mau lookin madd good.......i want u to cum ova ill pay u."

I said: This Doc don't make house calls...NEXT!

Another guy random ass guys says:

"I just read your profile and I think you will like me. Im a fireman from VA that moved to nY and something about you just drives me crazy. My number is ..... I want you to call me. Hope to hear from you beautiful."

I said: Nothing. DELETE.

Then I get the people that try to rip me a new asshole if I turn down their friend request. I made the desicion to block bands and they send me emails asking me to add them anyways--uh, there is a reason why I blocked bands...why can't they respect that?

After I told this chick (very nicely) that it is a waste of time contacting people who dont want to be bothered with bands, she responded,

"well excuse me. people are SO touchy on myspace. its JUST myspace, Whats the big fucking deal??? I'm well aware of the fact that u don't accept "band: requests.... I guess "stippers" are too good 4 bands these days. Funny, u take off ur clothes 4 money, but dont accpet band requests on myspace LMAO"

Uh, first of all I was being polite...and it's spelled "stripper."  Second, if you are "well aware" that I don't want bands up my ass (and blasting my comment box with gigantic advertisements), then why bother emailing me at all, thinking that you can change my mind? Third, yeah, I am too good--for your mediocre-ass band (if you want to take it there). Forth, yeah, I shake my ass for cash and I dont accept and band requests on my MS page--if you can make an intelligent connection between the two, I will gladly accept you as a friend and buy you coffee. Remember, you contacted me. So, you can take your bad grammar and immaturity back to high school where it belongs. Have a wonderful day.

For real, grow the fuck up!

I love it when people try to make themselves feel better by saying, "Gee, you strip--I'm so much better than you." We all are just trying to get by, pay our bills and secure our future. I don't give a damn how you do it-soo mind your business. Don't try to belittle me, because frankly I've heard it all.

Some soldier guy fighting the good fight wrote me this:

"what's up? i'm currently deployed in afghanistan and am looking to meet some people, so when i move back to new york city, i won't be totally out of the scene. i read your profile and i like what i see. i would like a chance to get to know you. would you be interested?"

I said: Nothing. Delete.

Yes, he has my absolute respect being a soldier on the frontline in Afghanistan, but, dude, don't just hit up any profile that says "female"--read the damn thing first!

I dont understand why I get requests from guys to meet up, go on dates, fuck or whatever, when I don't have a picture up! Sure, I may be a stripper, but there are ugly strippers out there. There is absolutely no guarantee that I will be hot. 

Why don't I post pictures of myself here? It's not important to know what I look like. People automatically make a judgement based on looks, age, ethnicity, boob size, etc. I just want people to read the page and say, "Hey it's a stripper. She's smart. She knows stuff. cool!"

Besides, I get enough, "I wanna pork you in the doody hole" emails as it is.

What would happen if I posted my pic?

I would probably get alot of, "Hey, you can't be a stripper! You don't look like Pam Anderson! I don't get it! Liar! Fraud! Cheater!" Then people would riot in the streets and throw malotov coctails at cops---all because I posted my pretty little face on this page. But if you really want to know what I look like, I am sort of a cross between Jessica Rabbit 

Mariah Carey

with a teeny bit of Alicia Keys thrown in.

I personally think that I resemble Shakira (with red hair) when I'm not wearing makeup. My eyebrows are better, though.

But I'll stay on topic. Will all the haters, lovers, and in betweeners I find these people to be the strangest. The ones that send an email saying nothing but...

Hi =)

What on earth do you want me to say back? I think I should respond with,

***burp***

Maybe I'm being a snob. (sigh)

I said that this was random...I'm done.

*************************************************

YUMMY BONUS!!!

Take this quiz (yes another stinkin' quiz) but its really fun!

It's points-based, so grab a pencil.

I got a 260. Post what you got!

*****************************************************

>1.  Have you ever had intercourse? Y or N (5pts)
> 2. Oral Sex: Giving to Orgasm Y or N (5 pts), Receiving Y or N (5pts)
> 3. Licked an ass? Y or N (5pts)
> 4. Had your ass licked? Y or N (5pts)
> 5. Stuck your tongue in their ass? Y or N (10pts)
> 6. Swallowed Cum? Y or N (5pts)
> 7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM? Y or N (5pts)
> 8. Had anal sex? Y or N (5pts)
> 9. Had an orgasm from anal sex? Y or N (5pts)
> 10. Ever squirted or made someone squirt? Y or N (10pts)
> 11. Squirted from oral or made someone squirt? Y  or N (5pts)
> 12. Had sex with someone of the same sex? Y or N (5pts)
> 13. Did a threesome? Y or N (5pts)
> 14. Did a foursome? Y or N (5pts)
> 15. Been in an Orgy? Y or N (5pts)
> 16. Been in a gangbang? Y or N (5pts)
> 17. Had sex in public? Y or N (5pts)
> 18. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? Y or N (10pts)
> 19. Had your toes licked or sucked? Y or N (5pts)
> 20. Licked or sucked someone's toes? Y or N (5pts)
> 21. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? Y or N (10pts)
> 22. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? Y or N (10pts)
> 23. Had cyber sex or phone sex? Y or N (5pts), Reached an orgasm? Y or N (5pts)
> 24. Watched porn? Y or N (5pts)
> 25. Bought a dirty magazine? Y or N (5pts)
> 26. Posted nude pictures of you on the net? Y or N (5pts)
> 27. Let someone video tape you having sex? Y or N (5pts)
> 28. Had sex without protection? Y or N (5pts)
> 29. Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? Y or N (5pts)
> 30. Have you participated in any type of golden showers? Y or N (10pts)
> 31. Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? Y or N (10pts)
> 32. Had sex with a friend's significant other? Y or N (10pts)
> 33. Ever did one of your significant other's friends or relative? Y or N (10pts)
> 34. Have you ever cheated on your significant other? Y or N (5pts)
> 35. Made someone pass out from sex? Y or N (10pts)
> 36. Tasted your own cum? Y or N (5pts)
> 37. Masturbated? Y or N (5pts), Let someone watch you? Y or N (5pts)
> 38. Ever got naked on cam? Y or N (5pts)
> 39. Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period? Y or N (10pts)
> 40. Been eaten during yours/eaten someone during theirs? Y or N (10pts)
> 41. Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? Y or N (10pts)
> 42. Had sex in a vehicle? Y or N (5pts)
> 43. Been caught having sex? Y or N (5pts)
> 44. Paid for sex? Y or N (5pts)
> 45. Used toys during sex? Y or N (5pts), Used food? Y or N (5pts)
> 46. Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? Y or N (5pts)

> 47. Ever been dominated in bed? Y or N (5pts)
> 48. Ever had a wet dream? Y or N (5pts)
> 49. Like to have your ass slapped during sex? Y or N (5pts)
> 50. Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? Y or N (5pts)
> 51. Had sex with someone you didn't know their name? Y or N (10pts)

> Scoring
> 0 - 50 Average man or woman (need to be a little more adventurous)
> 51 - 100 Beginner Freak (keep up the good work)
> 101 - 150 Big Freak (your heading in the right direction)
> 151 - 200 Professional Freak (you could charge for your services)
> 201 - 250 King or Queen Freak (others will never forget you)
> 251 - 296 over SUPER FREAK (you could write the book, teach the
> class, and hang the certificate on your wall.)

4:31 AM - 21 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

The Do's and Don'ts of Strip Clubbing AND Ask A Tranny!! (REPOST)
Current mood: blah
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I decided to bump this posting up to get things started again. This was originally posted on October 21, 2006. I am particularly fond of this blog--people really need to know this stuff. 

************************************************************************************

Hey readers, I have been working like a dog lately and just havent had the brain power to blog. I've have neglected you guys for sooo long! Sorry! I'm down for the count right now as I am recovering from back problems, so I thought I'd whet your whistles with a shiny new blog!

As strip clubs are becoming more a popular form of entertainment, the customers are becoming less and less sophisticated, walking into strip clubs having unrealistic expectations. Nevermind what your friends tell you about strip clubs--you will never understand what its truly like until you visit one! To help you along, I have created a little guide to strip club etiquette. I will break this down into easy-to-digest tidbits for you less astute readers. For you smart people, just bear with me!

If you feel my take is too "stripper-centric" maybe you will like this: http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69218

The Do's and Dont's of Strip Clubbing

1. Do choose a club that's within your budget. If you are a stock broker, you can attend a fancy gentleman's club and have a great time while sipping your $13 drinks in the $1,000 an hour champagne room. However, if you are a college student, you should try a local dive where the drinks are cheaper and lapdances are $10. Check out these sites for info and reviews: Strip Club Junkie, Strip Club List, & The Ultimate SC List but I would not pay much attention to the comments about the dancers--they come and go.

In any case, an experienced strip clubber will tell you to set a budget, spend within that limit and go home. Remember: strip clubs cost way more than dance clubs. You are going to need at LEAST $100 to have fun in a strip club, assuming that you buy drinks, tip, pay admission and have $ to get home. If you are broke--stay home. No one needs to hear about how your rent money was "stolen," ok?

2. Do Tip: it will always get you better treatment. In the club world, money is only language that is spoken. It can be dollars, euros, drakmas, rupees, yen--whatever. Tip your waitress or bartender--I shouldn't have to tell you this.

If you are in the type of club that features a "tip rail" (the space in front of the stage where the dancers perform) and you are sitting at it enjoying the show up close--TIP for chrissakes! $2 per dancer is the norm, but if you really like someone, $5 or more is great. If you dont want to tip the dancers onstage, move to different seat. Tip floormen & bouncers if they do you nice favor, like seating you in bottle service: $5-$10 is fine. Tip the DJ if you request a song. If you enjoyed an especially good lapdance, tip a couple of dollars extra to show your appreciation. If you used bathroom attendant's stuff, tip them 50¢-$1. If you are running a tab, check if tips are automatically added--especially when using plastic. Strip clubs can be very sneaky with this stuff. Refuse to tip for crappy service and ask for the manager.

3. Don't drink past your threshold. If you are drunk--GO HOME. Ask a bouncer to call a cab. Please, don't try to drive home blasted--we may want your money, but we don't want you dead. On a personal note: drunk people are annoying as fuck.

4. Don't bring your wife/girlfriend. Dragging her along when she doesnt want to go is just plain mean. If you are a couple that just wants to spice it up a bit, that's fine, but if she's just going to sit there with her arms crossed bitching the whole time, I will personally pimp smack her if she catches and attitude with me. Don't say I didnt warn you. Another thing: no one wants to see her drunk, overwieght ass dancing like a moron onstage. You may think she's sexy, but no one else cares what you think.

5. Do ask about dance & drink specials, rules, dress code & etiquette. Clubs may offer 2-4-1 dance specials (at set times), happy hours, or food specials. Rules keep everyone safe: follow them. If you get a lapdance, ask the dancer to explain the rules--if you break them, she can get in trouble or even arrested. If you are unfamiliar with the club, ask a host how everything works. Ask if the club has a VIP card that will give you free admission. Hosts and dancers may give these to the big spenders to invite them back.

***Note: If you want to drink alot for cheap, go on a monday after 4pm or on a game day or major boxing match. If you want to see the hottest dancers, go on a Thursday or Friday night. If you want a comfortably busy atmosphere and classier dancers, Wednesdays & Thursdays are the best. If you like rowdy college kids & noise, Fridays & Satudays are best. If you want alot of personal attention, strip club it on a Tuesday. In any case, it is always best to leave the club at 2am, because the dancers start to get tired & easily agitated, so the shows aren't as good.

6. Do know the most commonly annoying things customers say and do to dancers--and avoid doing them. Dancers are people too, and the rules of normal friendly human interaction apply. Understand that when you step into strip club, its impossible to be anonymous; the dancers will approach you; we assume that you want entertainment. If the thought of talking to beautiful women annoys you--GO TO A SAUSAGE BAR (I say this because countless guys go to the club and roll thier eyes when dancers talk to them). 

Don't address us as, "hey bitch, come here." Don't ask us to go home with you for $100. Don't ask us out on dates--we are working, not looking for husbands. Don't assume that its OK to cop a feel--its not. Don't ask us what our "real job" is--this is a real job like any other. Don't ask for free lapdances--do you work for free? Don't ask us to get another dancer for you--unless you pay us to. Don't assume that we are hookers--we're not.

Don't try to lick, paw, kiss, blow or suck on a dancer's body parts during a lapdance--its not a turn on. Besides, do you want some stranger slobbering on you? Don't ask us where to buy drugs. If a dancer approaches you and you're not interested, let her say hi, say hi back (don't be rude) and then tell her you don't need any company--there's no need to flail around wildly, forming a cross with your fingers as if we have the plague; how would you feel if someone did that to you?  If a dancer asks if you want a dance, and you don't, a simple "No, thank you." will do; We don't want to hear profuse apologies like, "No....but your really, really beautiful!" or your "preferences" for larger boobs or blonder hair. Nor do we want to feel your hands all over our ass while you are saying no. Don't tell us to come back later if you don't mean it.

Don't ask what our "real name" is; it's none of your business, its really fucking annoying, and you are likely to be the one billionth person to ask that same dumbass question.

7. Do avoid the rip-off dancers, hosts, and bouncers. An honest dancer will ask to dance and will ask after every song, "Do you want me to keep going?" A dishonest one will jump on you and without asking, take off her clothes and demand payment after 10 songs. Don't assume, "Hey she must really like me because she still dancing!" No dancer gives free lapdances.  If you truly don't want that pushy dancer on you, tell her to get lost. If she insists that you pay her when you didnt want her there--ask for the manager. I also want to add that its not cool to agree to a lapdance--and then refuse to pay for it. Also, if a bouncer or host demands a tip or tries to intimidate you into giving one--ask for the manager. Dishonest staff ruins it for everyone.

8. Do enjoy the fantasy atmosphere. There are beautiful women everywhere that are here for you. We will be happy to dance for you, laugh at your jokes and keep you company--as long as you have the money. You don't need looks or charm to get any of us near you. With that in mind, its sort of like shopping for the perfect woman. You can ask a host to find you a brunette, blonde, redhea... and guess what? No problem, sir, you got it! Don't afraid to get the most attractive dancer in the club--She is not going to turn you down for a more attractive guy. We don't care what you look like or what you're wearing. You're a guy with $$$ to spend and that's all that matters. NO DANCER IS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, so dont settle for some toothless skank, just because you "have a better chance." If you want a lapdance from a particular girl and your friends howl, "Dude, she's ugly." Fuck Them--it's your money. They are most likely to sit there and watch your lapdance for free anyways. Tell 'em to mind thier business and get them thier own damn dance! If you really enjoy a dancer's company and want her to stay, you can "buy her out of rotation" (pay her a lump sum to keep her off the stage--make her an offer, or ask what she wants for it) or take her in the VIP room. If you want to see a certain dancer again, ask for her schedule, give her your business card or call the club to find out if she's working. She can't give you her phone number in the club--it's illegal.

9. Dont use plastic (unless it's the company's card). Strip clubs are well known for overcharging or freezing large amounts. Most clubs charge a 10-30% surcharge for using them. I have no idea why they do this. Greed, I guess. Question everything on the receipt before OK-ing it.

10. Don't turn down a lapdance that is purchased by a friend, coworker or client; you'll look  just plain childish. Why deny something thats bought and paid for? That's like a party host giving back a bottle of Johnny Walker: Blue Label to the guest that brought it. Who does that??? 

11. Do look for me if you're in NYC--and you'd better tip my ass (hope you like redheads)!! 

Happy Strip Clubbing!

***BLOG BONUS FEATURE***

Ask a Stripper Presents

Ask a Tranny!!!

My lucious tranny gal pal, The illustrious Giselle, has agreed to be my guest blogger in this entry.

This is Giselle, cheesin'! 

In case you guys dont know what a "tranny" is:

Transexual (n.) A person who was born one sex and chooses to live thier everyday life as the opposite sex. That includes dress, relationships, and possibly hormonal enhancements, gender coaching or surgery to complete the process. For example, the porn star Alanah Starr (below).

..

So here she is folks, the Illest, realist bitch ever...The Illustrious Giselle.

Q: What are your thoughts about alternative lifestyles coming to the surface by means of television as opposed to written or audiotory media in such shows such as Nip/Tuck, Big Love, Queer as Folks, etc? In other words, do you feel represented fairly by characters (in the case of Nip/Tuck) as Sophia Lopez, Ava Moore, Cherry Peck?

A: Nothing on TV represents Gay or TS people. Cause I'm real ghetto, sometimes obnoxous. TS characters on TV are all the same; just all fuckin flamboyant. I'm not like that--I'm just  ghetto. Gay or TS characters are really ugly & faggy too--its always some ugly guy playing some feminine, ugly homo. Like Wesley Snipes in "To Wong Fu," or that gay flight attendant in "Soul Plane." When people think of transexuals, its always Shaq in a wig. When people think of gays, you think of some guy that wears lip gloss and acts all flamboyant. Its not all true, cuz many gay men act very "straight" and many TS people look better than real females--you cant always tell--sometimes. You cant always tell when a guy is gay or when someone is transexual.

A: Before I even get with a guy, get his number, or get into bed with him--I tell him. I am not into fooling men. Because if I'm fooling him, then he is not liking me for me---he is liking someone who was born a woman--which am not--I was born a male. No, they dont actually get mad, they usually know what is coming to them. If he doesn't figure it out from jump, I'm telling him--cause I'm not trying to lose my life over lying. But alot of men become intrigued with transexuals--they fantasize about us.

Q: I have a question for Giselle. Why take homosexuality to such an extreme? I can understand that maybe you "always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body" and as cliche as that sounds, I guess it might be true for some folks. But you do realize that growing some boobs and chopping off your manhood is not going to make you a woman in any sense, right? I mean, a dude with no dick IS NOT a chick, he's just a castrated dude. Why bother?

A: Um, I'm not even gonna answer that...(laughs)

....Hey, I told ya'll she the woman with everything, LOL.

bump

1:02 PM - 15 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

Get your Hustle On!
Current mood: complacent
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

**Funny News** I was banned by photobucket for my expose' on blowup dolls. I violated the terms of service by having pictures of the Realdolls. Oddly enough--the pics are still there.

Am I the only one with a faulty toolbar? I can't color anything!!! Does anyone have suggestions on color change for the blog page?

 "I have a question about hustling. I'm a stripper and lately it's been hard for me to make the money I used to. My looks haven't changed and I refreshed my wardrobe, but i feel like a robot. I need some new tactics. Help me. " -Broke Ass Stripper

*Sigh* It has been rough for gals in our biz lately. Sometimes I want to cry on those nights that I made enough to pay the club ($140), the cab driver ($40), and am left with $100 or less for myself.

Some of your broke status can be attributed to the season, as summers are usually bad for restraunts and night clubs. Things should improve now that labor day has passed. How long have you been working at your club? It might be time to go to another one. If you work at a dive-go upscale!

As for your look, if it hasn't changed-CHANGE IT. I looked at your profile. I think a hair color change may be in order--you might make a cute brunette, redhead or strawberry blonde--maybe even black hair! However, if blondes make more money (as they do in my club) you may not want to do that. 

And...In my personal opinion, you should lose a few pounds; 8 pounds will make a big difference on your frame. When you are petite, you can't afford to gain wieght. Keep in mind, I work in a major city (in a fancy club) and the demands are very different. 

The problem with this business is that men have different tastes in women. It's impossible to please them all, but if you feel good about your new look--it will help. You have to experiment to be sucessful.

(In case anyone is thinking about about bashing me for telling BAS to de-pound...like modeling, this is a superficial business. Strippers are the perfect woman--you have look perfect)

 You might be talking to customers for too long. I call it "talking out." Men stop listening after a certain point anyway. There is way too much distraction in the club--you have to pounce before he sees something better. If you feel the conversation dwindle even a bit, just put your arms around him, shove your boobs in his face & ask him for a dance. If he says no, at least you tried. 

 Some dancers use the 3 song rule:  Talk for 2, close the sale at 3. DONT LET ANYONE WASTE YOUR TIME. If he doesnt want you to dance but wants you to "stay for a drink," remind him that you are at work and if he wants you stay and chat, he needs to pay you. If he is serious, he will.

 Bachelor parties and young whipper snappers:  Don't talk, just jump on the guy, introduce yourself and dance! Think porn star, like Jesse Jane.

 Older men:  Act like a lady, speak well (no slang), lots of eye contact. Don't be trashy and do not curse. Think "My Fair Lady."

 All men:  Ask questions and let them talk about themselves. Follow with a "Wow, that's so interesting!" or "Gee, I didn't know that!' or "Tell me some more about that." Flirt!!! I'm a firm believer in involking the spirit of Jessica Simpson. Play a teeny bit dumb. Stupid people are blissfully happy.

 Double Team: Get another dancer and sell a two girl! I love doing this when another girl is having a bad day.

 Aways upsell: Ask for the $500 private dance before the $20 lapdance. He may be able to afford more than you think.

 The ones that say "I want to see you dance onstage first." They are full of shit and are wasting your time. Invite them to your stage--with thier dollars. If they are serious, they will come. Always control the conversation--don't act eager to please. They will just fuck with you.

 If he says, "Come back later," GO BACK! If he says "No," GO BACK! Sometimes a guy is not ready or he needs to drink to be comfortable. Try not to take no personally--it will crack your game face. Just tell him, "Ok, I will check on you later. Have fun!" What's also cool about this is that you don't have to do much when you go back.

Another option is to travel. I've never done this myself, you may want to talk to someone who has. Sometimes guys like the allure of a city girl in a small midwestern town and vise versa. If you want the ultimate culture shock, work out the country. Be sure to get work visa information before booking your trip. Foreign girls are always exotic.

A web site that I absolutely LOVE... STRIPPERWEB It's a wonderful web community for exotic dancers and other sex workers. There are SCADS of information on just about anything. There's a section called "hustle hut" where everyone disscusses sales techniques. This can help.

I hope I didnt say a bunch of crap that you already know, but I don't know alot about your situation. Nevertheless, good luck to you and contact me if you need further assistance.

2:18 PM - 16 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places **UNLOCKED**
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Romance and Relationships

My heart really goes out this next guy; we have had some corespondence since I opened this page and we have developed a pleasant online friendship. He's a wonderful guy as well as a talented and sucessful writer. I was rather suprised when he asked me this question:

"Dear Dr. Stripper
I'm having a hard time finding a girlfriend - I've been single since 2003 - I ended an on again/off again 12 year "relationship" with a bi-polar woman who would never let me refer to her as "My girlfriend" ....and who was as frigid as the South Pole

Since then, I've been getting rejection after rejection after rejection... and I'm really not sure why...

I got a really angry email Friday morning from a girl I know telling me, in no uncertain terms that she does not, and never will, find me attractive, and that I should never contact her ever again...

Later that night, a girl in a bar told me I was too old to be talking to her (she was 28 and I'm only 38)... and then she went over to sit with a guy who was AT LEAST 50....

I think I might catch feelings for these girls too quickly - also once I catch feelings I tend to be a little bit too clingy - I know women like their space, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be around them a lot, and I think I tend to overdo it...

Plus, I think they might smell the desperation - I'm 38, fat (6 feet tall and 300 lbs) and I think I'm way too much of a nice guy (and I know how women hate nice guys)

And, I know women like confidence, but it's kinda hard to be "confident" when I haven't had a date in 4 months (or been intimate with a woman in 2 1/2 years)

Also, one of the big downsides of being a full time writer is you spend way way way too much time alone in front of the computer (basically the only time I'm around folks is when I'm down on 125th and Lenox getting printing done at Staples, drinking venti mochas at Starbucks or having a beer at the Lenox Lounge)

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find a girlfriend (the girl who told me to never contact her ever again suggested that I adopt a cat - in other words, she felt that's the only pussy I'll ever see again)

If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know - I wish I had the same confidence around women that I do about my writing..."
--Writer Guy

Wow, this is a bit deep, but I'm going to give itto you straight, my friend. I think there's alot more to this than finding a girlfriend. I could be totally wrong, but it sounds like you are depressed. Don't confuse this with being pathetic! But I will get into that in a second. First, ask yourself this question:

"What kind of woman am I looking for?"

First of all, the women in your past are bitches--fuck 'em. (yes, I know that's harsh) Its time to meet some quality women who want you for you.

As for being "clingy," if a women really likes you, she wont mind you calling once a day. We like it when men call us--that is, if we like you. If you think that you are overdoing it--make it a point only to call if you want to make plans, let her call you for everthing else.

My advice to you is to find women in your industry--fellow writers who share your passion and are probably isolated like yourself. (or maybe a cute reporter doing a story on you...LOL) At your next book talk, engage agood debate and win! Women love it when a man can get his point across andshut the other guy up.Also, attend other authors' booktalks--I'm sure you could easily score some dates on the book circut alone--its where you feel most comfortable, right?You need to seek out the "intellectual groupies,"women who love smart, talented, eloquent men. These women exist! I am one of them! =)

NOTE: You may want to consider asking a pretty female friend to be your escort to events; hot women always bring more hot women. Why? Women always want to know what does that guy doto get a woman like that? He must be rich/good in bed/well endowed/someone important/treat women like queens, bla bla bla.

Oh yeah: Forget Lenox Lounge as a dating spot.

Another important thing to remember is that a guy like you needs to dress sharp--I'm serious, man--no more damn guayaberra shirts! You need to grab that friend that knowswhats hot (everyone has a friend like this) and tell him or her to help you shop. Ask your barber to give you a new style for fall. If you have grey in your hair-dye it! Wear contacts instead of glasses when you go out--glasses can be distracting and make you look old. A new look always makes you feel sexier. I'm not saying you need to change who you are, just take a little more pride in your appearance! 

You say you dont know why women keep rejecting you, but you answered your own question. If your social life is limited to Starbucks, Staples and Lenox Lounge, its time to get out there!

Of course, I know its easier said than done when writing is your bread & butter. I keep hearing about these "singles 30 and up" cruises and I've been to parties with a similar theme, they're great because they dont seem as pretentious as the 21-25 crowd. You should also know that I saw alot of hot big guys there and women were dancing with them and having a good time! This may work for you because you buy the tickets ahead of time, so you can plan! Of course, not everyone is into that...

If you feel that your weight is abarrier to meeting women--it is, and it will continue to be if you don't get it under control.

I consulted a couple of friends of mine on this issue; One, a formerly 300lb. friend (who is now 190 after lots of work) and Two, a currently 305lb. friend, who I am very close to.

Friend # 2 is 6'1" and 305lbs, but does not have trouble meeting women. He tells me that some women are automatically turned off by big guys, but many just need to get to know you more, and they usually change thier mind. His secret weapon had always been humor; he loves to make people laugh--and everyone loves him! He explained that once he gets a girl laughing--getting a date is easy. He agreed with me on meeting women in your industry--your odds will be greatly increased, as he has met his current girlfriend on the job.While not everyone is charismatic, having charm takes practice.

Friend #1 is now 190lbs said, "Stop drinking the ventis, stopdrinking the beer, and get a nutritionist. Because you are killing yourself slowly."He also explained to me that he would binge eat whenever he was upset--especially at night. Most of his wieght loss was diet-controlled, but excersize helped it along.

If this is you, nutritional counseling is a good first step. They will talk with you about your eating habits and help you create a menu and fitness plan that fits your lifestyle and budget.Whats also great is that your health insurance provider usually covers this service! I could be wrong, but if you are 300 lbs. you've had poor eating habits for a long time and I'm sure that depression had played a huge role in this. Please consider seeing a mental health professional--this is nothing to be ashamed of.You need someone to help come into terms with what caused your obesity--which also may indicate a more serious health problem. Its always hard to take that first step, but I think you need someone who is non-judgemental, but will hold you accountable to your goal.

After you see the nutrition counselor, find out from your insurance company if they cover gym memberships.If your income allows, hire a personal trainer to push you as well. Plan this stuff with your counselor and beginyour plan under the supervision of a doctor.I recently got a gym membership and hired a personal trainer--its the best investment for your health. Its time to start making some plans here! Before you do anything else-Start with that nutriti