Alright... So I'm heded to Ohio on Saturday morning and I'm pretty freaking stoked about this... Only one problem, I'm gonna miss all of my friends so freaking much... But I'll be back in around August... Be happy for me though, because I'm doing what I love to do most... Acting. It's a summer stock theatre job that I landed through an audition in St. Louis, it's at a company in Ohio called Tecumseh and I'll be playing Roundhead. I haven't really told a lot of people because there has been a ton of stuff going on... But now is better than never.
All in all guys I'm gonna miss you but you will see me again. This is just another one of my learning experiences... Let's see how it goes.
(I've been thinking about writing this down for a while... Now here's my chance.)
It grabs me by my shoulders... It takes my breath away... It makes my stomach clench, my nerves turn to mush... My knees weaken.
I hate thinking about it. But I know what's happening... I'm doing it again... I've done it again... What in the Hell is wrong with me?
Why must I make myself inconsistently unhappy? Why do I bury myself into situations only to keep digging deeper?
Why do I say what I don't feel anymore? Why don't I feel it anymore?
Fear. It's because of the fear I have. My fear of the one thing I desperately long for... But never get. My compliance with myself is worth shit. My thoughts and actions are complete opposites. My feelings are shit, I can't show them or explain them. It's pointless. Just go with it?
I'm making this blog as an easier way for people to see my music video I made last year with the help of my homeboy and hetero-lifemate Deek.... Oh and don't worry... Maynard's got another one coming soon...
"Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" By who else but The Bloodhound Gang. ;)
Ugh... Cell phones....
Current mood: busy
Category: Life
Ok... So most of you know I hate cell phones... right?
WELL... After much deliberation and thought on this matter, I have decided to actually go get one...
BUT....
I'm gonna wait until the end of November.
Then I'll post my number in case people feel like giving me a call and chit-chatting for a while.
But be warned: I hate talking on cell phones; so keep it short, and I hate text messages even more. If I get one of those retarded joke messages I WILL bitch-slap you when I see you. But that's all, just wanted my friends and family to know what was up. PEACE.
Decisions... I can’t do this all my own.
Current mood: worried
Category: Life
First of all this is a rant for myself, I'm venting. I don't care if you read this or not, But I'm just getting rid of some pent up thoughts. But input is always nice in case you do decide to read this.
I'm in... A bit of a dilemma with myself....
I laugh as I type this, but... It seems to me, I have no idea what I'm doing or why I do half the things I do. I'm at a point right now in my life where everyone thinks it's so amazing, especially with myself being 21 and all... But... Partying just isn't something I want in my life anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I'm going to have the occasional drink, but... Life is hitting me hard like a rapid fire water hose. I'm lost, scattered, and cold. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'll admit this... I'm scared. For the future. I hate thinking ahead, about the future, and the unknown.
Let me separate this into categories.
1. I have an amazing girlfriend that I care for, but it's going to suck leaving her here in Oklahoma after I leave... The thing is... I don't know where I'm going after I leave Oklahoma. I might just travel for a while and see the sights out there and drift. Something I've wanted to do for a while... But... That would make me a hobo. ^_J^
2. I have a bunch of amazing friends who are the best in any situations, leaving them is going to suck, too. T 3. I'll be leaving completely and everything I have is going bye-bye. I'm starting over. I'm selling my possessions and leaving Oklahoma for wherever. Hopefully, I'll be landing a summer-stock job at some theatre somewhere in the world.... Hopefully. *L*
I hate the word, "hopefully". It makes me feel inadequate. When the Hell did life start coming at me so fast and why in the Hell was I so unable to see it? I'm worried about where I'm heading and how I'm going to get there... Everything I've learned and done in the past few years have been slowly building up to what I'm going to do and what I'm doing now. I need to work even harder. I'm not working hard enough and shit is taking it's tole. I need to work harder.
So THIS is what I've decided to do.
Work. Live. Love. Laugh. Read. Write. Smile. Act. Eat. Sleep. Drink. Be merry. Strive. Pay more attention to the "graver image". Take better care of myself. Be happy. Cut people some slack. Be kinder to people. Think before I act. Look more into the situation and what it involves. And just generally do what I do, but grow up a little more....
If anything this is more of a realization of things I need to do for the time being instead of thinking so far ahead... I'm going to continue taking it one day at a time. It's what I do best, improvise.
"In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed." - Charles Darwin...
Now normally I wouldn't quote Darwin... But... He's right. :D
There are few things I'm actually good at; (without sounding too vain...) They are acting, loving, listening to others in need, getting along with others, and improvising.
SOMEONE once told me... Hard work will beat out sheer talent any day. It's true... And it's something I need to work on is working harder for the things I do.
Hmmm... My decisions seem clearer and I feel much better. Good.
PARTY FOR ADAM'S 21ST BIRTHDAY AT BUFFALLO WILD WINGS IN JOPLIN, MO. IT'S NEAR THE MALL, IT'S NOT HARD TO FIND, BY STARBUCKS AND BOOKS-A-MILLION. I'M GETTING HELLA WASTED AND WANT ALL MY FRIENDS THERE. COME!!!!
I just wanted to share with everyone a few "F" words that have come to me lately...
Friendship
Forgiveness
Freedom
Focus
A few things anyone could use and need.... First of all, friendship... Friends are the greatest gift anyone could have, the companionship of being around other people is not only fun... But it's a perfect balance for our minds... Because two are, well, better than one. and three better than two, etc, etc... Friends have been good to me recently in helping me understand more and more about... Well, everything. Thank you friends.
Forgiveness... Wow. People can be very forgiving. It's amazing sometimes how forgiving they can be. Despite how much one person can screw up, people are still able to forgive. That... To me... Is amazing.
Freedom... Freedom... Freedom... To be free, to go about doing what you want, whenever you want, however you want... It's not as much fun as anyone would think. I'm as free as I can be, but freedom doesn't, quite honestly, bring happiness.
FOCUS. Focus is a big one. It's hard to do but when one becomes in tune with everything around him it's absolutely mind blowing and a state of complete nirvana. You hear everything, see everything, smell the air, feel the wind... It's almost fall now. I'm in my power month. This is the time when I'll be more focused than ever, it's almost an overly focused kind of tune... It's strange but I feel very clear right now.
The reason I write this:
I was up half the night last night trying to figure some things out for myself... I sat in my room thinking and words just started popping into my brain. These "F" words were among them. It was sensational how fast I was thinking about everything. It all came to me at once. It was a very ethereal experience...
Anyway, this is long enough. Now go outside and focus. ;)
199: born on: October 9th, 1986 (John Lennon's too!)
198. I am: contempt with life.
197: weight: 190
196. eye color: grey
195. shoe size: 12-13
194. My ring size is: 11.. or something like that... maybe a 10.
193. Bra size: I think a negative A...
192. My height is: 6'3"
191. I am allergic to: Bullshit... and tomatoes.
190. I live in: Miami, for the moment.
189. The last book I read: Children of Men, PD James.
188. My bed is: a dorm bed. And it sucks.
187. I go to: college for my third year at a JuCo.
186. I am glad I'm a girl/boy: boy. I pee standing up. and can fart in public and blame it on others.
179. My favorite Holiday is: Christmas/New Years Eve... Everyone is happy on New Years Eve.
178. The perfect kiss is: totally random and out of the blue.
177. The last three cd's I bought are: Dustin Kensrue, Damien Rice: 9 Crimes, and Blue Oyster Cult: Super Hits
176. Last song that made me cry was: Um... Songs don't really make me cry.
172. My most treasured possessions are: my friends. because I OWN YOU ALL! HA HA HA... Kidding... My guitar. It was my dad's and he gave it to me. It's special to me for that reason.
170. What did you do last night: Hung out with the boys in Vann and Megan LauCHner watching ATHF... AGAIN.
:::::I Do/Do Not Believe In:::::
143. Santa?: No... Sorry fat man, but you creep the Hell outta me.
142. love at first sight?: I didn't but I do believe in seeing someone and something clicks in you.
141. Luck?: Yep. Because I have the greatest in the world.
140. Fate?: Yes.
139. Love?: eh... Iffy.
138. Aliens?: Yep. It's completely illogical and defies all reason to think that we are the only intelligent life in the Universe.
137. Heaven?: Ok... Yes. I belive in an afterlife.
136. Hell?: I ALSO BELIEVE IN A NOT SO GREATER AFTERLIFE.
135. Ghosts?: Yes.
134. Horoscopes?: Yes.
133. Soulmates?: I think if you meet someone and connect with them on an entirely different level then yes... That's your soulmate.
132. Easter Bunny?: No. Everyone knows that Jesus layed the eggs!
131. Leprechauns?: I have seen a midget in Green before... Carl?
130. Fairies?: They walk the streets everywhere. One's even my friend. He's in Ohio though. (Ha ha, kidding Zach!)
::::Which is Better?:::::
129. Hugs or Kisses?: Depends on the moment.
128. Drunk or High: DRUNK... I'm obligated to say that...
127. phone or online: online
126. Red heads or Black hair?: Red heads are all bitches... But then again... ;) Black hair for me. It's dark and mysterious. Creates a new element. I like crazy all different color like hair.
125. Blondes or Brunettes? BRUNETTES. Blondes are ALL F***ING CRAZY!!!
124. Black or White? Both! I like diversity!
123. The Beatles or the Monkees? The Beatles. This is way to freaking easy.
122. Pool or Ocean: Ocean leaves you feeling all salty... But the pool makes you feel all nasty... I'd say the Ocean.
121. Rum or Vodka: Rum. Hands Down.
120. Night or Day: Whichever. Give me sunlight or give me darkness. I'll have fun either way!
119. Oranges or Apples: Apples.
118. Pirates or Ninjas: Jedi (Pirates if I HAVE to choose).
117. Nsync or BSB: Which one's less gay?
:::::Here's What I Think About:::::
116. Abortion?: I have no decision in this matter; being a man and all. It's the woman's choice to do with her body as she pleases.
115. Backstabbers?: They suck. But they do exist. Deal with them as you see fit. I find a gunshot works wonders.
114. Parents?: My Mom is awesome... And my old man can be...
110. School?: eh. It was ok.
(Anyone else notice it jumped from 114-110?)
109. Death penalty?: Some men deserve to die for the crimes they commit.
108. The war?: Hey! Thanks for the oil Bush!
107. Our President?: George W. Bullshit.
106. Gas prices?: I remember a time when they were under a buck... But... If you're so worried about them get a motorcycle. It's cheaper and better with gas. (I plan on it soon!)
::::Last time I::::
105. last time you had a sleepover?: About... 4 years ago.
(Where's 103 and 104?)
102. Last time i hugged someone? Last week.
101. Saw someone I haven't seen in a while: When I came back to NEO.
100. Misssed someone? All the time when I think about them.
99. Grew: About 2 or 3 years ago.
::::MISC::::
90. Who's the ditziest person you know: Ail Dake. Ha ha ha!
89. Who makes you laugh the most: Deek.
87. One thing I'm pissed about right now is: Indecisiveness.
83. The last movie I saw in the theater was: GAH. I haven't seen a movie in theatres in so long...
82. One thing I don't understand is: Why most men insist on treating women like shit. Not gonna lie, I've done it too... But... It's sad guys, it truly is. But if that's what makes you a "man," then fuck it. I don't wanna be a man.
76. This summer I am: Back in NEO waiting for the fall so it will cool down.
75. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: My friends.
74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: My future.
73. Tomorrow: Going to Algebra hoping to pass.
72. Today: Thinking about life and the future.
71. Next Summer: I have no idea... Things change so rapidly for me.
70. Next Week: I have no idea... Auditioning for the show.
67. People call me: A lot of things.
60. The most difficult thing to do is: Make everyone happy. It's impossible.
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: Not.
56. My zodiac sign is: Libra
53. The one person who can't hide things from me: My little brother. He tries to.
51. Right now I am talking to: No one.
48. I have a job at: I'm a contracted camera man for Green Acre's. Thanks Deek!!!
47. I have these pets: None anymore... I have no pets.
45. The worst sound in the world: a baby crying. GAH!!!
44. The person that makes me cry the most is: My dad used to make me cry all the time. He can be quite the asshole when he wants to.
35. Florida or Hawaii: Hawaii.
33. My favorite type of shoe is? Flip flops.
32. I like: ice cream.
31. Last time I cried: It's been a while.
28. The school I go to is: Nartheesturn Ohkluhomuh. If it were up to the Aggies, that's how it would be spelled.
27. Last person I talked to was: Deek-a-Leek.
26. My worst drinking experience was: When I was 12...
22. The all-time best movie is: Damn. That's tough.
21. The all-time best thing in the world is: Not giving a damn, being happy, and being completely carefree with the one you love... God, wouldn't that be great!?
19. The most annoying thing ever is: when your ears ring. It's pointless.
18. The most annoying person you know: They're going to read this. Jennifer. I'm sorry, but every once in a while... Sheesh.
17. I lose all respect for people who: have ever raped or hurt someone. Whether it be physically, emotionally, whatever. You aren't human in my book. I hope you rot and burn in Hell.
15. i like to ____ in my spare time: Masterba... Listen to music, write, play the guitar, watch some tv, play video games, blah, blah, blah... You know the usual stuff.
14. reading/watching tv: Reading.
13. batman/spiderman: Spiderman's the Shiznit!
11. The worst pain I was ever in was: We all experience different levels of pain and frusteration. Mine's in the past and doesn't need to be brought up.
10. My favorite phrase at the moment: You're rocking your shit.
9. My room: is the world.
8. My favorite celebrity is: At the moment, Sacha Baron Cohen.
7. My Favorite Animal: Wolf.
6. Favorite place to be: Hanging out with my friends.
5. My weakness is: A beautiful smile and pretty eyes... On a girl's chest. haha jk... kinda.
4. What turns me on: Um... That's kind of personal. Wow. In fact that's none of your business. This quiz is OVER!
3. Who broke your heart: Some bitc... AHEM... girl I met a while back, we dated, and she cheated on me but still denies it.
2. I laugh at: just about everything.
1. What do you want to be?: Myself.... But that's the hardest thing to find in the world for me.
confused
busy
worried
cheerful