Reflections
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Religion and Philosophy

During a treatment this week, a woman walked by me and seemed to stare as she passed. Twenty minutes later, one of the wonderful nurses I have bonded with came to me and told me this woman asked about me. Apparently she was just starting her first round of chemo and she was drawn to me. There's a book

I read during chemo that I wrote a brief inscription into the cover. The nurse gave her this book and then came over to me and asked if I would go to her and speak to her for a few moments.

Within minutes, she and I were talking as if we had known each other for years.  The conversation went into some detail about my own experiences this year. We talked about our lives and loves and joys and sorrow. It wasn't all about "cancer".  This year has been quite a wonderful road for me. It has taught me to look for the deeper connections with my friends and to more clearly identify my casual acquaintences. It has taught me to have more compassion for people that don't have the capability or desire to seek deeper thought and it has taught me to live in the moment and appreciate people more for who they are.

I have always been a people watcher. I enjoy observing human nature and all of its wonderful quirks and charms. I have learned to be more forgiving of failures and to walk in someone elses shoes before passing judgement. I have learned exactly how strong and beautiful I am. I never imagined at the beginning of this journey that I would walk out of it stronger than before. There were certainly times when I felt as though I was going to crumble. Thank goodness for a couple of very close kindred spirits that knew the song of my heart and sang it back to me when I forgot the words.

I went back to visit some more with this wonderful woman just embarking on her journey through cancer.  I had a few books to give her. One is called "Crazy Sexy Cancer". I highly reccomend this reading to any woman going through the dark sides of this nasty situation. I gave her my skull and crossbones bald cap. I wore this cap during my chemo and it was a symbol of my absolute rebellion to the rouge cells that were threatening to take over my body. I bought a comfy pair of P.J's and a bar of decadent dark chocolate. I told her to allow herself to feel everything she is going through without questioning it.  I told her to spoil herself rotten and embrace cozy jammies, hot tea and bubble baths. I told her to allow her husband to make her crazy by "doing" things for her and fixing it. I have a very dear male friend who I love very much. When I was diagnosed, the only thing he could "do" was to tell me when I was on the other side of this he would take me on a trip wherever I wanted to go in the world. Then he stood by me and let me cry and made me laugh. He held me close and kissed my forehead softly when I was scared. He saw the other side when I could see no light at the end of the tunnel.

These are the things we should do for those we love every day. Dig deeper into our more shallow relationships and truly connect with people. Go out and indulge and be crazy every now and again.

My heart is full of love and peace. Once you look death in the face, what else is there to possibly fear?

Oh and that trip?.......will be Germany in the spring!  Fly into Amsterdam, and drive into Austria and through Germany.  Drink a lovely German Beer at the highest beergarten in the Alps. See the crumbled Berlin wall and travel to the concentration camps. Perhaps not as exotic as Turkey or back to Micronesia to revisit the diving they have there.....but to travel to Germany with no specific agenda, just a rental car and a GPS and see where it takes us! 

7:14 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Back in the Land of the Living
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

A few more months have gone by and I have been pretty focused on other issues but it seems I am back in the land of the living.

I finished chemo on June 4th and it has been a whirlwind ever since!  Business trips to the east coast, a whole slew of Dr. Appts and pre-ops, mom coming in to town, bi-latteral mastectomies, more appointments, reconstruction surgeries coming up.....

So now what?  Doctors say I am in complete pathological remission.  This just means that there was no cancer found in the breasts they removed July 3rd. 

So now I wait......I feel like I can start moving again.....but what to do?  It seems that dating is out for the next several months still.  I took myself off of radar back in January and I don't really feel like prime "dating" material. 

How do you start that as a conversation piece?  "Oh this year I have been in chemo and had my breasts removed........and oh by the way.....This is a wig...."  talk about run away FAST!

But I suppose I look at the big picture.......I have quite a few fabulous qualities......(take for example my overuse and complete misuse of elipses!), the fact that I took NO time off work while undergoing treatment,  the fact that I have a wonderful career, a nice home, I am relatively well read, educated, adventurous, endlessly curious, strong, feminine........eh....

I am sure at some point I will find some ultimate meaning in my experiences this year.  For now though,  I am simply thankful to be at the tail end of all this chaos and back in the land of the living.

D

8:54 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

How Do You Ask For Help?

I have not blogged in a while........I mean once you find out you are dealing with "cancer".......other things seem to fall to the wayside......but here goes.

Treatment is going well.....steroids have me putting on a bit-o-weight....fantastico!  NOT.......I have no energy by 8pm....work is stressful as ever.....STILL have my hair for the moment so that is good...

I feel like a lepar..... but I noticed something tonight.  At my support group the ladies were all talking about people coming over and bring dinners for them, having people clean the house, grocery shop.....my goodness! 

I said I didnt feel I needed any of that because I am still working, I can cook, I can shop.....but they were telling me to take advantage of it while I could.

Does this sound remotely selfish to anyone?  If I can go out and I am working...WHY would I inconvinience anyone with bringing me food or doing something for me?

I just don't get this "feel sorry for me I have cancer"..........for those of you that know and love me....please do not EVER let me get to this point! 

I don't fault any of these amazing women.......I just do not care to be like them.  I don't want to be special in some kind of short bus, genetically defficient way.....

Anyway that is my rant.  11 weeks to go........then surgery......then done.........back to normal with a tummy tuck and abtter set of perkies.

:) 

9:06 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Plan of Attack
Current mood: determined

So we finally have a plan to attack this invading force the medical community calls cancer.

1. Tuesday I will go in and have a catheter line inserted into my arm.  This is done to protect my veins from the lovely coctail of poisons they will be injecting into my body.

2. Wednesday the games begin.  We are starting a 15 week regimine of what is called TAC.  This consits of three drugs

Taxotere , Adriamycin , Cytoxan

These will be given every three weeks for five weeks.  The goal is, to kill anything that has spread into my bloodstream and to prevent metastesis (or spreading to my lungs, liver or ovaries). 

Once that is complete,  the surgeon can then go in and remove the breast and any affected lymph nodes and the plasic surgeon can come right in behind her and give me a new set of perky breasts. 

They will monitor me throughout this process for blood cell counts and heart and bone stregnth to make sure I am handling everything OK. 

I am excited to finally be going to war on this stuff............and.....time to go buy some fun wigs cause in a couple of weeks my lovely dark locks will be long gone. 

Any suggestions on where to buy a wig?   :grin:  oh and I have my bandanas and caps for nighttime to keep my head warm.  UGH.......never thought I would resemble the chick from Star Trek but.......here goes! 

War Paint is on and I am ready to roll!

D

1:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Looks Like Chemo
Current mood: angry
Category: Life

Good Evening Everyone. ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Many of you have already heard the news.  Some of you have not. 

On December 20^th, I found a lump in my left breast.  January 29^th we found out this tumor is malignant. 

I met with my surgeon this morning and the pathology results show a very aggressive Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  Aggressive simply means it is growing very fast and we believe it may have spread to my lymph nodes.  THIS by no means does not mean it is severe…….just means there are some unpleasant moments coming up in the near future. 

The cancer has not been staged yet (that is when we find out if my lymph nodes have been affected) IF there are less than 4 nodes affected, it will be a stage 2 cancer.  If more than 4, it will be a stage 3.  Because this is fast growing and the cell structure is poorly differentiated (not a great thing) , we believe it was caught very early.

My mammograms did NOT detect the tumor despite ultrasounds showing it clearly.  To my lady friends, please do self breast exams.  I may not have caught this for some time without and mammograms are not possibly as reliable. 

It appears as though they are going to recommend chemo for this case.  Not looking forward to that but I am going to hit this head on and with a vengeance.  I have quit smoking affective immediately. 

Instead of hearing second hand information, I wanted to send this out and let you know that I will keep you all in the loop.  Just to reiterate, this is very treatable, and success rates are extremely high.  You just may not see me in the office very much over the next few months.  If Lance Armstrong can train for the Tour De'France while taking Chemo, I can certainly continue to work and be active and productive. 

Much love to everyone.  More details in the coming weeks. 

9:48 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Men Behaving Badly
Current mood: curious
Category: Life

Now,  I should start out by saying a few things about myself.  I am a happy, well adjusted, independent, intelligent woman that is silly whenever possible........serious when required........Can listen to Bocelli OR Metallica, Ratt OR James Taylor.........Reverend Horton OR Buena Vista Social Club depending on my mood........I have a nice home......all on my little own......

NOW I also love to be a woman....I love to be soft and feminine.....I also like to be treated like a LADY.......there is a time and a place for everything....and I am very upset with women out there who do not have enough self respect and put men in line and require they respect you......

Some of you men out there are going to say "WOW she is a bitter middle aged feminist B($*(&"  and that is OK,  If you think I am because I have enough self respect to require that a man respect me, then I don't care to get to know you. 

What you may not realize, is I am extremely open minded......as I state in my header........a bohemian......I enjoy exploring, sharing, giving, recieving.........but there is a time and a place for everything under the sun........and guys........I am not a HOT OC chick........I don't have a hot body.....I am an attractive woman but if I want to have annonymous sex with someone........all I have to do is take a trip to a bar by myself........and I will within about 20 minutes have that offer made........I don't need to come on myspace and send perverted messages about girls panties, or whether I "shave my kitty"  or if I am "freaky".......

Do men really get off on things like this?  Do women respond positively to this kind of reteric?  Does it mean I am a bitter feminist because I DON'T want a strange man to talk to me that way?  (Really the panty thing and being a freak.....yeah not even if we were together every night humping like bunnies......) 

But alas...........I am in my sexual prime.......I am 35 so I am just moving into it....I am not a prude.......but COME ON! 

Where have we gone wrong?  Guys.......your insight is very appreciated........help me understand and empathize!   I have listened to Lykus and I think he is entertaining........I am afraid of any man that really thinks he believes what he says and lives by it but.......There are truths to what he says.......there is also a bunch of bologna!  

8:55 AM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Creative Challenge
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Writing and Poetry

So the question is not,  can I create........but will I.

When I was a child, I rarely watched TV.....I had boxes of dress up clothes purchased from flea markets on the weekends when my father would sell vaccuum cleaners and baseball jerseys.  I had an easel and four old schoolhouse desks.  We would go out to the woods by the house and find friends and make forts and use our imaginations......

Once I took drywall from the basement that was laying against the wall and dropped it to the concrete floor.  I immediately poured a bucket of water of this drywall and topped it off with Palmolive dishwashing liquid.  Then I proceeded to skate like Peggy Flemming in the Olympic games.  My mother was furious....my father.....well, he thought this was fantastic creativity and took me for ice cream.....

Kids are not inventing anymore....Where are the dress up dolls and easy bake ovens and easels for drawing......and playing and creating.  Aside from Harry Potter.......where are the Hardy Boy novels and Nancy Drew which taught children, much like myself......to be ready for adventure.....right in your own backyard? 

I have become complacent,  more like my mother ready to chastise me for using the wonderful and at the time, unlimited brain that was granted to me.  Why does society want to vegitate their minds in front of a television and become a stagnent organ that one day may end up like the appendix.......a useless organ because someone else is doing the thinking for us.

A relative stranger challenged me recently.......challenged me to not be a hyprocrite and create......

So the question is not CAN I.      It is in fact...... WILL I......

To be continued.

2:36 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Working from Home
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

I don't see why more companies don't offer flex schedules by allowing folks to work from home. With technology the way it is, most companies have VPN access to secured networks.  My office is wherever my laptop is.  It is a beautiful thing.

I am more productive when I work from home.  I am on project calls 4-5 hours a day.......so the time I am not on calls,  I am getting more done.  The company also gets a chunck of my commute time as all I have to do is wake up and go.

I know I know there are slackers out there that take advantage.  I mean I do surf when I am on a call and there is nothing pertaining to me..........but when at home I focus and get more done with less interruptions. 

That is just me..............happier employee, happier company!

D

7:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Pesimistic Philosophy
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

This is what happens when I am feeling philosphical and pesimistic at the same time...... LOL

*People are not as bad as we may think they are.....chances are they are much worse....

* Ignorance is only bliss for the ignorant....the rest of us get to suffer by realizing their stupidity for them.....

*IF god does in fact exist,  he is a sadist

* Innovative creations have now been halted due to the morbid obsession the general public has for IPOD achechapies (accessories)

*If I had my clitoris removed surgically, do you think it would alleviate inner tension or make me go mad? Women in their 50's have told me that I will become hornier with age.....I don't think this is possible and frightens me a great deal actually....   (Guys, don't take this as some open invitation.......yes women are sexual being and yes we get horny......now we are a bit more "reserved" shall we say than men in expressing it and WHO we express that to)

 *Great idea for a reality show:  Instead of electoral college election based voting,  I say we hold elections much like American Idol......except the losers are all required to face a firing squad immediately following elections.  This would prevent assholes from running (perhaps) and it would regulate the number of active politicians.

10:06 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Natural Disasters (written the day the last hurricane hit Mexico)
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

We could have booked a trip to Mexico to sit in on the festivities today.  Just think, at this very moment you could have been sitting in a hotel room on the water...preferably on a third floor or greater... watching the dark swirling skies overhead.  The barometer drops at an exponential rate; the air is thick with electrically charged moisture.  Winds whip around with no seemingly apparent purpose however, there is a method to the perceived chaos as the storm, this tempest of destruction churns from the inside out, winds change directions without warning. Trees start to bend now......and the rain that was once a blowing mist has become a torrential downpour where the drops themselves take the form of potentially lethal bullets.  This goes on for minutes and then hours......when suddenly...... silence.....you can see the sun peek through this seemingly massive gap in the clouds.  For moments, you consider going out to get a peek of what is laying on the front deck of your hotel room.  You say to yourself "is that it?....is THAT all you got?"........when suddenly the sound of a freight train looms off at a distance.  Out before you on the ocean you see a funnel cloud....dancing over the 20 foot waves a mile from the shoreline as though it is Fred Astaire doing a beautiful number on a marbled flight of stairs in some charming old musical.  Then the winds begins to howl.....the 30ft. palm in front of your window is suddenly uprooted as though it were a carrot being plucked from a poor Midwest farmers crop by a bunny rabbit.....Oh no, this storm is has only just begun.  You see, it's hungry after a season of hibernation.......it feeds on the warm waters....sucking the energy from the sea....yes, now you start to see why they call this a force of nature....certainly it will consume anything in its path......will it consume you? 

2:37 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment