Hey peeps, so as election time comes closer (for you guys anyway) I'm seeing more and more blogs about why Obama is so great or why McCain is so great or why both are pretty bullshit. Anyway I started reading a lot of these blogs and most of them are horseshit fence sitting garbage. So just like anyone else with a computer and internet connection. I'LL BE TELLING YOU WHO TO VOTE FOR…..later on in the blog ;)
Anyway back to the topic at hand, political blogs. I try to stay away from political blogs, mainly because reading them is like eating bullshit flavoured sawdust. And writing them I'm sure the only people writing these on a daily basis are doing so at knifepoint. But what really twists my tit is the fact that anyone on myspace can write one and be taken seriously. Think about that for a second. According to a study that I just made up 87% of people on myspace are either A. Fuckwits B. Not even real Do you really want to read the political views of someone who's actually a program?. Lets look at one of the current Political e-felattio blogs going around on the internet right now by someone called Adrianne curry.
Look at the political views on her!
That sounds like a fake name and profile if I ever saw one. And even if it wasn't so blatantly a fake profile who cares, everyone agrees with her because they want to root her. And one last point, why should we be trusting Adrianne curry anyway, she married that fuckwit from the Brady bunch, she not a good judge of character.
Ok so who to vote for?, Telling you who to vote for would defeat the purpose of this whole blog, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Well lets assume for one second that you already haven't made up your mind, lets also assume that you are actually willing to change your mind. Would it really matter what I say?, this is my point, i'm some guy from Sydney, a good 7000 miles away from the USA. i dont know what the fuck i'm on about, before i wrote this blog i just finished watching a 10 min video on youtube of people lighting their farts, would you really trust me?. i didnt think so.
Still dont think that you shouldent let anyone else tell you how to vote?
Think again (but dont think too much, she's probably suing me as we speak)
Anyway i guess what i'm trying to say here is that not only are political blogs bullshit, but so are the people that write them......like me, so remember kids, the next time someone throws in their 2 cents just remind them to shut their pie-hole, heh.....piehole
Cthulhu 08
Since Questions go over well, here are few for my readers 1. What Changed your mind about who you would vote for (if anything) 2. Would you ever let a myspace blog change your vote? 3. If you guys could all fight in fanboy style verbal beatdown of each other choices and give me a top blog that would be sooper dooper!
Hey peeps, actually this isn't the best blog you will ever read but I just needed to grab your attention for a very important announcement regarding my future blogging here on myspace…..
Actually there is no announcement I just needed to grab your attention to this.
OK maybe its not that important but whatever the jonas bros can kiss my ass.
Anyway as almost all of you have noticed I have not been on myspace in over 2 weeks that because I'm busy working. Doing what you ask?, well I sit infront of a computer all day and type its awesome!. I know you guys thought I was a male model (I could totally be one if I wanted) but yea I'm not
I'll give you a moment to pick up your jaws off the floor
Anyway I did a blog a while ago about how I finished my school a while ago, so yea now its time for me to start working, which I am doing. So yea, I'm eating dinner tonight! As opposed to eating the old cheese left in pizza boxes after fighting off the racoons for it.
Anyway since I've literally done jack shit in terms of work in my life I started thinking of the best jobs I could have in the future. I came up with a little list.
Flying Monkey Breeder* You know like the ones from wizard of oz, only these ones wont just fling shit at you all day *Flying monkeys may actually be midgets in costumes
Lingerie pillow fight referee Contrary to popular belief lingerie pillow fighting has many rules and regulations that many people don't know, for example. No guys, no shirts, no pants, Drunkenness is a plus as is a live camera posting it on various sites of questionable non-pornographic-ness. I could dedicate my life to making sure no lingerie pillow fight goes unwatched and unregulated. I know it's a though job but someone has to do it, and I called shotgun. Star wars Lay-Lastic
Booze Drinker/ Steak Eater The way I see it the more I drink the more young kids aint gonna drink so I'm really doing my part for the world by being one of those homeless drunk guys that sit in the gutter and shout crazy things about how the sky is falling. As for steak well according to a study that was probably just propaganda red meat is bad for you if you eat it everyday for like 20 years. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE!!!. I didn't think so. Send all steak to 77 Awesome Street Sydney Australia ( I live in their driveway)
Celebrity Joke Writer The words "me" and "tasteless" go hand in hand (not in a gay way) that's why I would be awesome as a writer of jokes about celebrities. I know this job already exists and some comedians are already doing it but I like to think I would add something else to them, maybe some wit and British humour, I could write jokes you have to think about and not just go for the easy Paris Hilton jokes. The jokes pretty much write themselves *Knock Knock* *Who's there* *Paris Hilton* *Oh great now I have to replace the door you touched bitch*
See what I did there?, you guys thought It would be a joke about Paris being a whore but it turned out to be a joke about how The mere touch of her flesh withers away the fabric of humanity.
....Anyway
A few questiong for my blog readers 1. Best job you ever had? 2. Worst job you ever had? 3. First Job you ever had? 4 . Try doing this riddle , I did it about 5 years ago and it took me almost 2 hours (the average is 10 mins) http://www.chillnite.com/einsteins-fish-riddle I will give a personal erotic web-cam show for anyone that gets the right answer (DON'T GOOGLE IT OR ELSE I'LL WEEP LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL)
Have a nice day at work lulz
count 14 boobs in this blog, thats gotta be some sort of myspace record
Hey peeps, So two days ago somone told me about some theory that the whole world will come to a standstill in about 5 years, knowing this was a sign i've decided to do another relationship blog you guys all hate. But anyway this time i've decided to do one on the other side of the spectrum. Case in point. CHICKS. You know chicks them other types of guys that cry at some movies and smell nice. Anyway i dont know shit about chicks, but i do know what i like. So here it is.
Although i'll pretty much take whatever i can get my dirty little paws on. I like the Giry Girl Middleground-type. I'll explain what that is. On one side of the scale we have a girl that is so good at every sport, video game/ Drinking game/ Really really hot, could kick my ass in a bare knuckle fist fight (who couldent) and on the other side we have a girl that aint so great at video or drinking games is really really hot and could still kick my ass in a fist fight.
I dont even understand what i'm going for here so i dont expect you to either.
I guess if I had to put it on a scale with 1 being the female equivalent of Rambo that snaps random bad guys necks every now and again while having vividly horrid flashbacks to their time in Nam and 10 being the absolute reincarnate of a barbie only it was dipped in pink paint and came with not one but 25 of those little yappy bullshit dogs every girl has in their handbags. I guess I'd go for a 6 or 7 I don't even know anymore.
So I'm left asking myself why?, why do I like this type of girl?, well I believe that every guy has at least a small case of MMS (Manly Man Syndrome) Manly Man syndrome is a not so rare ego condition effecting guys with an IQ and age of over about 16. Its where I need to be told every 5 mins of the day that I am infact a male. I'm aftraid that if you do "manly" things like drink more booze than me say things like fucker and bullshit more than me that my balls will instantly shrivel to the size of 1000 year old prunes before falling off into the deep black void that once was my manly pride.
Anyway there are a few handy dandy things you can do to make me feel a little better about myself.
1. Let Us open Stuff. Ok lets not beat around the bush most guys (myself included) don't cook, well we don't cook well anyway, don't ask me to cook you anything that aint an omelette or a cheese sandwich because quite frankly my brain cant comprehend how to turn on the stove….or oven whatever the hell that thing is. That's why you can make me feel like I'm helping by pretending to not be able to open jars or pickles and shit. Sure in real life you could probably open that jar just by yelling at it, but that wont give me a chance to flex my man muscle in front of you.
2. Outside of the Matrix in the real word I'm about 6'1"-ish. I don't usually meet chickas that are taller than me, but if it did happen it would be a total mindfuck. But this comes in really handly. I feel like i could fix a house of build a airport using tribal sticks and rocks everytime somone tells be to get something they cant reach. As i've always been told "Size does matter" (thats what she said)
3. We can kill Bugs!, I think all women have me fooled, you don't really jump on the table when you see a spider do you?, I knew it. Anyway If you are unlucky enough to draw the short straw and end up in a relationship with me just pretend to be scared of spiders. I for one know that women are great at faking stuff. This aint circa 1834 where guys get together and smoke tobacco out of a pipe while hunting foxex and bears while talking about whiskey and kissing dames. This is 2008 where guys are expected to be just like that fuckwit Ross from Friends. And I fucking hate Friends. Where else am I gonna fell like a man for killing something?.
Anyway i got a few questions for my readers. 1. For the Chickas. Does your soulmate hate it when you outdo them in manly things? 2. For the Guys. Do you like a girl thats a "Girly Girl" type or what? 3. What underpants do you have on? (Somepne asked this question a few blogs back in the comment section and over one million people answered it for some reason, so here it is again)
Hey peeps, so, anyone exited about the Olympics?, did anyone even know the Olympics was on?, great this blog's gonna go over well then :( Anyway because the 2008 Olympics is just 3 or 4 days away i'm doing a blog on a few less than deserved gold medals. Here it is, my olympics blog
5. Basketball at the 1972 Olympics It's the finals, America VS Russia, America was known for kicking some ass in the basketball up until that point with a 63 game unbeaten streak. Anyway in the last few moments of the game the score is 50-49 for the Americans, and with one second left on the clock the game was over. After some jerry Springer style bitch fighting Steve decided the Russian coach had called time out in the last one second and the game wasn't over. Anyway they start again to play out the remaining seconds of the game, they run out was well, the game is over again 50-49. BUT after even more bitchslapping the officials said the clock may have been reset incorrectly and thus would have to re-replay the end of this game, anyway in these final few seconds the Russians scored and won the game. Still to this day the Americans refuse to accept their silver medals citing "Fuck you and your fucking clock" as the official reason
Now thats what i call "Cock Blocking" .....i'm so funny
Could it happen in 08?: No, because this Olympic games will be the first to implement time travel as a way to verify the clock was indeed not one second off. Time to put those extra flux capacitors to good use.
Life Lesson Learned?: If you don't win then just blame everyone else, if you cant blame everyone else blame the clock for fucking up, if you cant blame the clock blame spiderman.
4. Boxing at the 1988 Olympics Boxing aint like running or shot put where the guy who throws the dried up lump of dogshit furthest wins, boxing is one of those sports where you need judges to tell you who won at the end of a fight. And this is where my proverbial bullshit detector goes right off. Everyone knows that boxing is rigged it's a fact of life like the fact that guys will never know what women want or that myspace is a broken mess. Anyway off topic, never was cheating more obvious than the 1988 Seoul Olympics. I'll set the scene. it's the finals of the light middleweight boxing. In one corner we have the Korean Park Si-Hun, in the other corner we have future boxing champion of the world Roy Jones Jr (In case you don't know Roy Jones Jr is considered in some circles to be the best boxer ever, he could go 12 rounds with a bear in a cage fight and still get the knock out) Anyway During the fight Jones kicking this guys ass to the 7th circle of Narnia's hell. The official Landed punch count was 86-32. Anyway after the ass kicking ends Jones was all but ready to walk out the door with his gold medal in one hand and his huge metallic balls in the other. But it was about this time they gave the fight to the other guy. In what is now still known as the biggest "load of bullshit" in boxing history. And even though the official commite of gold medal bullshitting or whatever think its fair they did suspend all three judges after one admitted the decision was a mistake.
Dont take my word for it, you can watch the fight Right Here
Yep
Could it happen in 08?: Not only can it happen but it will happen, the list of controversies in boxing is longer than all three lord of the rings movies playing in slow motion. Its just life that when you place the sole decision of a fight in the hands of fuckwits. Your gonna get a fuckwits decision
Life Lesson Learned?: Well 4 years prior at the Olympics in LA the Koreans called foul over over the American "Jerry Page" winning over the Korean "Kim Dong-Kil". if all fairness the Korean fighter did kick that guys ass in 1984. But yea….Boxing….rigged…..fact of life. I guess the only lesson we can learn here is that revenge is sweet. And Roy Jones jr went on to be a badass.
3. Athletics at the 2000 Olympics The 2000 Olympics is the one I remember in the most detail mainly because it happed right here in Sydney you may remember it as the official "most awesome fucking Olympics ever". Anyway going into the Olympics the media had chosen a few athletes they would whore out to every tv station known to man. One of the runners they would pay a little attention to was a woman named Marrion jones. People where saying she ws the next big thing and she would win 5 gold medals. Now if we do some quick math 5 gold medals in one Olympics is for a lack of a better word In-Fucking-you-are-so-drugged-up-just-admit-Possible. Now I know what your thinking "but she didn't win the 5 golds right" right, she won three golds and in the other 2 events?, well she had to settle for the mere mortals place of bronze. This seems like a fairy tale right?, Well only up until a while ago when She admitted to using drugs to make her run like a blue haired hedgehog with its ass on fire.
Could it happen in 08?: Beijing are touting the best drug testing at any games ever, but I'm guessing that means its two lamb chops shy of just asking people "hey mr do you use drugs?" and taking their word for it. Because when it comes down to big chucks of gold, people are just so honest.
Life Lesson Learned?: The lesson learned here is that you too can achieve your childhood dream of winning a gold medal (or 3 infact) and then you could deny using drugs even though your husband admitted in court to seeing you use them and your coach being busted for giving out drugs to the likes of Barry bonds. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence you too be a Olympic hero……..until you confess 7 years later and go to gaol
2. Just about every medal at the 1960 and 64 games Ok not every medal, just most of them, Most of them won by Tamara and Irina press (Dubbed "the press sisters" by the media) Between the both of them they have won 5 gold medals and one silver in the span of 2 Olympic games. However some of the other women participating in the games took a look at them and thought "those guys look like guys". Yes the press sisters had bigger balls than any other athlete there because they were infact not women at all ( allegedly )
Irina Press's O face
The press sisters?
The Russian newspapers still claim to this day that they are both women, It kinda makes this hard to believe as both sisters unexpectedly retired in their prime the same year that gender testing became mandatory (1968). Whatever I'd still bang them.
Could it happen in 08?: Sure, Sydney was the last Olympics that made gender testing mandatory, so you all you man-ladies out there start running.
Life Lesson Learned?: If you're a guy that kinda looks like a girl and can throw shit far, just pretend you're a woman and win 5 gold medals.
1. Show Jumping At the 2004 Olympics Its one thing to drug yourself to win something, its another thing to drug a horse, because that's pretty much what happened at the 2004 Olympics, After winning the gold medal Cian O'Conner was stripped of it after his horse Waterford Crystal turned out to be a Tony Montana wannabe. But this aint all the story, after they say your horse was on the juice. Cian Demanded another test however as if by divine intervention the horses urine sample was stolen when it was on its way to the lab. Ok just bad luck right?, lets test his other horses to see if they had drugs…..oh wait, all the papers for this guys horses have gone missing how convenient, in the end he was stripped of his medal after his horses blood sample turned up and tested positive.
Crazy horse
Could It happen in 08?: I'm Convinced someone will enter with a 6 legged Greek-mythology horse and will win, so it wont even matter if you try.
Life Lesson Learned?: You can lead a horse to water, but it doesn't drink you can always inject it with roids
Hey peeps, How is everyone?, how was your week?, do anything worth myspacing?. Cuz uh I didn't. I woke up today and had an idea for a blog. "Why not turn my blog into a lameass diary about how my day was" Yea that idea sucks ass, fortunately all my ideas suck ass so It's all good. Anyway here is my week.
Monday After like a million failed attempts I finally posted my "history of men" blog. It will go down as probably one of my worst blogs ever one of my favourite comments on it was "you just wasted my time you fuckwit". sorry I tried and failed big-time. Anyway the rest of my Monday was filled with lollipops and magical unicorns all going to candy mountain.
One of my friends told me I remind him of the white horse. I'm guessing he's calling me a lazy dipshit but is just too nice to say it.
Tuesday When writing this blog I tried to remember what I was doing all week. But when I came to today I had no bloody idea. Don't you just hate that how you can remember that dipshit who picked on you when you were 5 but you cant remember what you did 5 days ago. Anyway as best as I can remember on Tuesday I was busy looking for a new job. Funny thing about jobs When I was a kid I wanted to be a wrestler for the WWE. Now I would either be a porn star or work in admin. What did you want to be a a kid? (and don't say fire-fighter or princess its to cliché)
Wednesday Wednesday was half awesome half bullshit. I spent the first half of the day sitting in my computer chair contemplating if I should actually add that mobsters app. Yes I know Own your friends is SO 2 weeks ago and no one will really give a shit about the mobsters game in 2 weeks from now, but dammnit I want to be part of the cool group too!!!. Anyway that was the bullshit part of my day, the good part of my day was the fact I watched a ton of CSI Miami episodes. I got my mum 2 seasons of CSI Miami on dvd a while ago and never got around to watching it myself. Anyway when I finally did it was pretty good. But I hate that Horatio Caine guy. How come everything he says has to be to epic and scripted?. If you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about. This guy could be talking about taking a piss and the show would make his dialogue into clever little witty lines just to piss me off. On the plus side there is this hot southern chick I would so bang in 2 seconds.
Emily Procter (i like her for her smartness)
Thursday Today I wrote a blog called "fuck the fucking jonas brothers" . I just think they are giant douches, well ok only the oldest one is a douche But anyway. I decided not to post it for two reasons. One I think if I did post it 2 of disneys hired goons dressed as Mickey mouse would show up at my front door and kick my ass. I know I'm a total manly man and all, but I don't want word getting around town that I got my ass kicked by a fucking cartoon character. The second reason is that writing that blog was like rooting a drunk chick (way too easy and probably too enjoyable). It just seems to easy to take the piss out of 12 year olds for selling their souls to a company. It's almost as if my conscience is stopping me from. Posting it. It's as if I have……..a heart. Anyway fuck the jonas brothers ;)
The face of horror
Friday So while some people are going out getting drunk on Fridays, I sat at home watching youtube videos and reading myspace blogs. (I know , time well spent). Anyway I finally heard that shitty song "I kissed a girl" by some bitch. Can I just say I hate this song. It's totally bullshit, the only reason I watched the whole thing was because I was picturing myself singing it. Captain Awesome's " I kissed a girl" (and I liked it). This is pretty funny because I'm sure if I ever did actually lock lips with a real life girl (as opposed to a smoking hot night elf chick) the space time continuum would erupt causing the next ice age. But on the other hand finally kissing a girl would be TOTALLY awesome!. On a side note I was thinking of doing a cover of a miley cyrus song. My High pitched school girl voice would come in handy.
Saturday I found this really old photo of me from like 25 years ago. Its me holding up a cup. Something I would probably use as an ashtray these days if I had any smokes. Anyway it's hard to believe how much I've changed in like 10 years or however old I was back then
The photo on the right is NOT photoshopped. My face naturally is about 3 feet long. Like that guy in that movie with Cher. It was a more simple time back then. None of us had myspace, we all had to do actual stuff. Like chase a hoop down the street with a stick and wait for the milkman to deliver (that sounds dirty) Actually now that I think about it back then sucked ass. I'll take myspace over fresh air anyway. Saturday was the day I probably smoked so many cigarettes in one day. I swear I must have gone through like 40.
Sunday I woke up at 1.30 pm today, yea I know I'm a real early bird. Actually I woke up late because I went to sleep at 4 am the night before, I started designing this webpage at like midnight and before you know it, it was 4 am. Anyway on Sunday I got this Japanese movie on dvd called "Gozu" its one of the strangest movies I've ever seen, the whole fucking thing is about nothing. Nothing happens, no plot, no story line, no action, its one great big acid trip from start to finish. I cant help but feel I'm just not "getting it" like this movie would make sense it I was high or something. Anyway
Monday I know what you thinking right now "CA you're a fucking moron, a week doesn't have 8 days in it, you wasted my time you fuckwit" yea well I know that. But in my own little fantasy world I live in all weeks have 8 days (2 Mondays). Plus the whole shitty "my week" gimmick would not feel complete if I didn't go full circle back to a Monday. I know I'm already stretching a thin blog idea but yea whatever. I'm convinced that their is subtlety and hidden meanings behind my blog. If you didn't like it you just didn't understand the subtext and symbolism about love and hate. So yea it's your fault if this blog sucks . I feel my blog is a commentary on our sick social culture…..
( . ) ( . ) <------- Boobs lulz!
…..Anyway, enough of the smart talk. Today I did jack shit. I woke up and thought it would be a good idea to do a blog. And here it is. Oh yea and for all my Mates in the USA you're probably reading this on Sunday night. Meaning what you ar reading now happened in the future (if you can comprehend that logic) That's right I'm a fucking time traveller. And a mind reader, your thoughts are not safe….and rather dirty.
Ever notice I didn't mention getting out of the house at all?, not really funny, just an observation. My life is already really awesometits I don't need reality ruining that.
Oh yea and for anyone that cares I got my results from school today. Although they don't tell me the exact percent I got for every module I got distinctions yay!!!. I didn't fail anything so that's good.
Hey peeps, so a while ago one of my blogging mates here on myspace G did a blog called "history of boobs" It was the only history lesson actually worth knowing. Anyway being the total idea stealer I am I've decided to do a "history of men" This is all real information. Just ask any guy. Anyway on with the blog.
* 53 billion BC "Caveman guy"
Caveman guy is the first guy to ever roam the earth, its a little nown fact but during the first 1000 years of caveman guy he invented things like the phone, TV and the internet. he then however decided his time would be better spent being drunk and trying to get laid, thus the journey of man begins.
* 5000 BC "Guys learn early on that Women have our nuts in a vice"
Despite popular opinion by half the worlds population guys knew early on that they were powerless to women's charm. The only thing we could do is pretend we didn't notice.
* 1500 - 500 BC "Guys up until that point had penises on their chins" (it's a proven scientific fact)
Look surprised?, yep it's a fact up until 500BC guys had cockchins. We just walked around with our manhandle flopping around in our faces. It was the most awesome time ever. Mainly because the man with the biggest chindick was named king. However the Egyptian gods of the time though a phallus on our face was too much power for one man to handle. Thus cursing us to have regular bits for the rest of time. On the plus side oral sex up until that point looked real goofy, as well as taking a piss and everything. Still don't believe me?, just look at john Travolta and his meatrack of a chin, I wonder why he didn't evolve? Probably all the fevers he had.
* 777 BC "Guys invent beer have been drunk ever since"
Beer was originally invented as a way for guys to get women drunk enough to get with them or possibly with each other (Awesome!). However somewhere along the way a guy decided to actually drink the stuff. Oddly enough it was around this time guys started getting into more fist fights while shouting things like "you lookin' at mah woman!??!!" to random people on the street as well as getting tattoos they regret and generally wasting their brain cells. Although most historians (as well as myself because I am one) believe that these events are totally unrelated.
* 500-1200 AD "Chivalry is born"
It was around this time that guys everywhere found out that they could get women into bed by doing stupid shit like opening doors for you or moving your chair at the dinner table, never were guys happier. Mainly because they thought they had figured out some loophole in women's brains, however women started to expect chivalry from every guy. And that was the point at which we stopped giving a shit. Open your own door baby.
* 17 AD "Sports officially invented"
In 17 AD one guy decided he could do something better than some other guy, and that's how the first sport ever was invented. The first actual sport was a game called "I is gonna fuck you up" the rules are simple. If some other guy pisses you off, you proclaim in a British accent "I is gonna fuck you up" then the game begins. You stand with your back to your opponent then take 8 steps back, then turn around and try to beat the shit out of him as quick as you can. The world champion of the game was a man named "Theodore Von Fuckyup" having survived a whopping 3 whole games before he himself was fucked up.
* 1800 "guys invent more awesome things"
It was around this time guys became more awesome and started inventing awesome things like ridiculously long beards and top hats. This is also the time when hunting got back into fashion (we didn't have any TV and UFC up until that point….we needed to shoot something). Guys go around killing bears, foxes and dinosaurs or whatever the fuck was around back then.. I may be wrong but I think it was in 1808 that the flux capacitor was invented allowing us to go back in time.
* 1980's "Action heroes are allowed to kill people as they wish"
Remember back in the 80's and 90's where your favourite action hero could just kill a million bad guys for no reason but the fact that he had a gun and was angry?, then after that he would get the girl and save the fuckin' day?. Whatever happened to those films?. Because they were my favourite of all time. Back then it was ok for guys to get all primitive and snap bad guys limbs backwards and shit. All while spouting off crazy one liners. "Yippee ki-yay motherfucker" . Man I wish I had a awesome line to say every time I did anything "Hey you!, butt-out!" I'd say that right before kicking Corey Feldman up the ass for stealing my look.
* 1988 "Captain Awesome is born, does nothing for first 18 years of life"
This is also ironically the same year that… - Prozac is introduced as an anti-depressant - Bobby McFerrin tells everyone "Don't worry, be happy". This is the exact point everyone stops being happy and starts hating each others guts for no reason. think that could have anything to do with me?
* 2000 "The year 2000"
Something really interesting happend in the year 2000 but i didnt notice because i was busy being a 12 year old nerd, my time was consumed with pokemon cards and scarcraft.
* 2003 "pink shirts are now ok"
Its right about the time emo music became popular that guys decided they would start wearing pink shirts (a crime punishable by death in the old days). Never in time have guys been less intimidating than when they are wearing a pink hellow kitty shirt. Although some guys have the strange notion that a pink shirt will help them get laid or something. Historians will tell you that not one guy in the history of guys has gotten any because of a pink shirt.
* 2006 "Guys DNA starts to mutate"
In 2006 a French scientist starts the "les hommes sans toutes boules" project. A secret series of tests designed to eradicate men if their manliness, forever mutating them into half men half dogshit someone stepped in. the project almost succeeded as seen by some leftover people mutated by the project. However a resistance group known as. "BDA" the beer drinkers alliance figured out the way to counteract this problem was to drink beer, eat steak and generally be a badass.
* 2008 - And onwards
So what about guys these days?, well we've gone through so much, I think we have regained most of the awesomeness we gained through time. And added some awesomeness of our own along the way. One things for sure, I'd glad I finally got the real history of men out there for everyone to know. The best part is its all real as well. I would do a history of women, but I don't know anything about them.
Pitty comments and kudos peeps, i need them
Note: I posted this blog a few days ago but the blogs were stuffed up, anyway even though it's my policy to not repost my blogs, i figure this aint really a repost.
Everyones comments should post only once now rather than a million times, That being said post your comment 20 times in a row so i can get a number 1 blog and validate my existence as a person
Hey peeps. So I've totally lost my nuts in a shoebox somewhere because I'm going to do another blog about love. don't hate me but I had a really good idea last night and decided to blog about it. We all love "love" right?. Being in love?, or the idea of love anyway. But sometimes we do things in the name of love that we hate ourselves for after the novelty of being in love fades away. I've decided to do a blog on the 7 top stupid things people do in the name of love.
So I can tell ahead of time that this will be a really longwinded humourless blog about nothing. So if you don't want to read if just pretend you have do so by copying this text and posting it in a comment along with 2 kudos thanks "that was the worst blog I've ever read, thanks for wasting 10 mins of my life dipshit"
….ok on with the blog
7. Activities
Is not likely that when you fall in love they will want to do the same things that you want to do (I'm yet to find a female that enjoys video games and heavy beer drinking). You may think that the logical thing to do is to try some of the things that your partner wants to do right?, WRONG!. Guys aren't meant to do things like yoga. Our body's don't just stretch that way. Especially if you're a 6'1" hermit crab like me. Just like women aren't supposed to beat the shit out of other women behind bars because they checked out another chicks ass. But I'll admit this would be totally awesome. Not the yoga part….the chick fight part.
The yoga move known as the drunk russian. takes 25 mins to master
6. Music
My Favourite Band Shape of Despair (doom metal)
My imaginary Girlfriends Favourite band Newton Faulkner
See the problem?, Quite frankly Newton Falkner can kiss my ass
5. Movies/TV
Hands up women who watched the sex and the city movie? Hands up guys that watched the sex and the city movie?
The fifth most dipshit thing people do in the name of love is watch their partners favourite shows. I've personally been bored to tears watching "I love New York" something in me just wants to punch new york in the face every time I see her. Anyway how many ladies out there have fallen asleep on the couch watching old UFC fights and superbowl tapes?. What's my point?, well people in love aren't meant to like what the other person watches. That leads to quality time spent together and that leads to a real relationship….cant have that. Next thing you know girls are going to be watching Sports greatest injuries specials and guys will be weeping over the notebook. Eh…
4. Fashion
These days we have many fashion trends. Emo, Goth, Retro, Gangster and my own personal invention "lazy bastard" where I wear whatever doesn't stink so bad. Styles are a good thing it separates people from a crowd. It tell me. "hey that person is unique!". It's only when one person in a relationship starts trying to convert to the other style that we got a problem. The problem is that you will be stuck in some sort of fashion limbo that you hate and your friends will most certainly be laughing at you behind you back. Face it sometimes the emo fringe just doesn't work on everyone. Nothing like some photos of you going through your "80's popstar" look on myspace to Haunt you for the rest of your life.
This shit better be getting me laid
3. Pets
Ah yes pets. Who here is a cat person?, a dog person?, either way its not good. When you get involved with someone you have a few options with pets. 1 they like the same pets as you do. 2 they don't like the same pets as you do. 3 they will say that like the same pets as you do to either get in your pants or because they are afraid to see you angry (you're kinda like the hulk) anyway one of the most dipshit things people do in relationships is buy pets. Pets are no good. The relationship may fade. But the pet will still shit on your $2000 Persian carpet every morning.
2. Name tattoos
Tattoos are awesome, if I had the money I would get two sleeves of demons or skulls or whatever the hell guys get these days. But one tattoo you should never get is a tattoo of someone's name. believe me it will only haunt you in 10 years. "But CA I have a picture of a flower on my arm because I love my boyfriend so much!" well that's cool because you can always make up an awesome story behind a tattoo like that. Got it from saving puppies from a burning building?, stopping a bank robbery? Whatever. Get a name tattooed on you and you're fucked. Try explaining to your future soul mate the "I love Steve 4ever" tattoo on your chest. My guess is you cant but it will sure make for a nice awkward silence the first time you get naked in front of someone.
on second thought tatts are totally awesome
1. Sex tapes
Ok we all love porno. All types of porno. Regular porno, Crazy German Porno and my personal favourite fat midget porno. But the absolute 1 most dipshit thing you can do in the name of love is try to make one yourself. According to a statistic that I just made up one in ten couples have filmed themselves getting busy. I don't know what the flying fuck gets people off about seeing themselves get someone else off. Granted I've never actually made a sex tape (yet) but its something about seeing my 700 pound beach ball of a body naked that kind of makes me want to vomit.
This one doesn't really count if your trying to get popular I guess, since so many shitty actors and singers have one out (I'm looking at you Collin Ferrel!). These days a sex tape is popularity gold. I wonder how long it will be till our favourite bloggers start rooting each other in the name of fame. Myspace blogger sex tapes!. I'm open to the idea ladies just so you know.
....i needed the money
So yea. If you make a sex tape with someone and you break up, that shits going on the internet faster than you can say Jack Robinson. Take a tip from CA don't do it.
I know a relationship with none of these doesn't really exist, even if you find someone you think likes ALL the same things you like the min you become involved you will be at each others throats over everything. Even if by divine intervention you did find someone you didn't have to compromise for it wouldn't last because hell would freeze over shortly thereafter.
What do I recommend?, well next time you get involved with someone tell them that if your not rooting , eating or fighting you don't want to see them ever.
Hey peeps, So how long have we all been on myspace 1 year?, 2 years?, 2 months?. Well whatever i've been on myspace long enough to realise that while it is full of awesome people, Its like a drug. Sure if you act cool enough you may get laid. but ultimatley myspace is gonna leave you cold and alone......forever. Myspace will take your soul from your body and replace it with robots in myspace pods, kinda like that movie or book whatever it was. "But CA what do you mean?, i dont think myspace has changed me at all". well that sir is because you're wrong myspace makes you do things online that you would never do in REAL life and here are a few examples.
5. Myspace addiction Lets just get one thing out there, we are all myspace addicts. we all check it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. but i'm one of those myspace addicts that cant live without it, i'll go into myspace withdrawals if i dont have it
A while ago when i lost my myspace for a week i really did go through the 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. i'm telling you myspace is a drug.
4. The Great Myspace Ego Oh, i got this one big time. every time i get even one comment on my blog i totally feel i could be the next host of the tonight show. the thing that sucks about myspace is it gives most people a huge ego. this is all good because huge egos turn people into assholes and apparently that's a winner on myspace. but when this ego transfers itself into the real world then you got problems.
"These people are not worthy of talking to me i'm a top 30 myspace blogger dammit!"
I remember a while ago one of my friends told a girl outside of myspace i was really popular on myspace this was actually her reaction "really....wow" one of those sarcastic wows kinda like she was telling me a huge dogturd on the sidewalk would be more impressive.
3. Blog Questions? This one i may have to explain in a bit more detail. have you ever seen a blog on myspace that asked a question that was really offensive? sure you have. however if that person had phrased that like a comment rather than a question they would be in deep shit...horseshit infact. i'll give you an example as of late their seems to be some hatred towards fat women on myspace so i'll use that as my example.
Blogger is applauded and E-Felated if they ask "Are fat women satanic drug addicts?"
Blogger is hated is they say "fat women are satanic drug addicts"
How is this bad for you?, well lets assume i actually get out of the house every now and then (i dont but anyway) if i was to go up to a certain person and ask "are you a fucking moron?". i would probably get my ass kicked. Thats why i titled my blog "myspace IS bad for you" not "is myspace bad for you" i'm not suggesting it, i'm telling you.
2. Myspace STD'S Lets face it if we could fuck each others brains out all night and day on myspace we would. half of us just started a myspace to get laid anyway. well that brings me to my next point your myspace persona. everyone talks about how they are two different people on myspace and in real life. well how comes 70% of peoples different persona want to get laid 24/7?. you better watch out you may catch something that will stay in your blog forever.
(Guys reaction after you tell him you want to root him over myspace)
Why is it bad for you? dose this one need more explaining?
1. Religious Debate Why is it that every party we go to in life has one fuckwit that will always try to disprove someone's religion with the "facts" you can usually tell who this person is as they will be sitting by themselves talking to no one. The minute you mention god or church or the fact that you dont believe what they believe all hell breaks loose. Thankfully every party has a limit to this type of person and it's usually one.
Boobs solve the worlds problems, not debate or finding out whos right and wrong....boobs. remember that next time you're acting like a asshat.
But on myspace things are different. lets switch the party setting for a blog. as soon as someone says anything about religion someone else dosent like it's on like donkey kong. and another 1 blog about religion will ensure. see how myspace has changed people?, in real life no one would give a shit about what others believe. you would just think "fuck em" its their life anyway.
So i finished my college last week, yay now i'm smaret. you can now call me "Dr Captain Smartass"
Hey peeps, so some of you may have noticed that for the last week i havent really been on myspace too much. Sorry, but i've been pre-ocupied with a little thing called "love". Thats right peeps. I've found my one true soul mate in life. You know that feeling you get when you finally meet the person your going to spend the rest of your life with, That feeling that the planets are about to allign and time will stop just for a moment. You know those late nights you spend just talking to each other about nothing all day, but you are still fascinated by each other all the time. You know you have found true love when she likes the same things you like, When she makes you laugh, When she makes your world go round.
Well i finally had that feeling on June the 12th, When i met Her.Whats Her name you ask?
Meet My Soulmate Playstation 3 (but she likes to be called PS3)
I got a PS3 last week and it's the best thing ever. Its even better than the legends and stories say it is. It's funny how we think we are not into games anymore. We think we've "grown up". Because that what i though pretty much. Then someting like this comes around and makes me a true believer. Anyway i got my ps3 last week allong with this awesome game called "Metal Gear Solid 4" the game is brilliant it's full of shooting people sneaking around and shooting more people, my kinda game. I wont even get started on the graphics, lets just say this game looks better than some movies that are coming out today.
But thats not all peeps. one day after i got the ps3 i had to get the game that i'm sure half the guys reading my blog already own Grand Theft Auto 4. Let me give you a little background info. I'm a huge GTA fan. i actually own 2 copies of GTA3 i got vice city and san andreas. All of those games are good and all but this one pisses on those. i wont go into it because this is starting to sound like a review. its just good.
Our Aussie GTA4 in Slighty Censored :(
You know you've found you're true soulmate when you can just sit silent for hours looking into each others eyes. When you can just waste the hours with each other. Some say relationshits are just a bunch of compromises and having to say sorry all the time, Well not this one. It's love.
Who knew the ps3 could sweep me off my feet.....right onto my couch for hours at a time.
Hey peeps, so as of late i've decided i may try some new things. Some new styles of blogging (maybe i'll even write a blog that dosent suck ass) anyway a few months back i did an erotica blog and people seemed to like it. So today i'm dipping my fist into poetry.
Before we go on i'll say sorry right now to all the real poets out there for what i'm about to write.
Poem 1. (Political satire)
I call this piece "Broken dreams", It's the heartbreaking tale of one mans quest to find true love on myspace. Enjoy
I had a hard time with the subtelty in this piece. At first i thought it had a undertone of the new wave political movement in zimbabwe then i thought the poem may be about the globalization of modern day india, but it turns out its just about shitting. Worthy of a dan brown medal of subtelty.
Poem 2. (Oriental Erotica)
I call this poem "Love", an epic doctrine about 2 peoples love for one another, try not to shed a tear after reading.
A Tale of Soul and sorrow, eternal he thought, but now lost. I'm getting good at this.
Poem 3. (Commentary on pop-culture)
This is a poem i wrote for my Girlfriend i met last week on the Moonblood Server in the world of warcraft. Shes totally into me. Even if its really a 36 year old guy from sweden.
It's love.
Poem 4. (Hate you)
This one is still untitled, but its about someone i hate with a passion.
This one pretty much explains itself, so what do you think guys, have i got a shot at becomming the next EE Cummings?, i think so.
pity comments and kudos peeps, i need them...
So i wrote this whole blog and then myspace gives me an error, so this is the second time i'm writing this shit, fuck i hate myspace.
NOTE: My Dr.Phil poem i just put in a competiton to win $100,000, if the planets align and i do win i'll split the money up with you guys.
Hey peeps, so as some people know 2 days ago i cut my hair after not having a real haircut in almost 5 years. I've made this picture showing you the change. See if you can spot the subtle difference between the two.
Notice my manly manface has also lost its hair.
Why did i do it? I dont know just wanted to change how i look i guess, its been forever since i had long hair so its time for it to go.
It's only been 3 days since i did cut it but i am already notcicing some things are different. 1. It feels like i'm no longer a metalhead, i instantly feel more like i should be listening to Amy Whinehouse and and going to tupperware parties with my friends 2. Girls will actually talk to me SCORE!, but i still dont know what to say to them, yesterday one said "hey" to me. i was clueless, but fear not i am learning. 3. My dream of one day being a bouncer for some hot movie star is over as this hair aint really intimidating 4. It turns out i had more hair in my head than i thought, i half expected my head to be half bald when they cut it all off, but as it tunrs out i can stuff hold onto my un-baldness for some time to come 5. I'm gonna go tryout for ryan seacrests job because America has seen enough of that assclown 6. I always thought short hair wouldent suit me, but it turns out it looks pretty sweet. 7. I hate taking photos, the photos you see on my myspace account for almost half of the photos taken of my in the last year, i dont know why i just cant stand getting my photo taken 8. My law teacher said to me (when i was 18 at the time) that because of my hair i could pass for a 35 year old). Now i kinda look my age 9. I've decided to quit smoking once again 10. I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders.....pun intended
Anyway before i decided on this style i did consider some other styles check them out
Pay no attention to the back of my head in the mirror, i had no time to photoshop that side ;)
and i cut the "F" out of the first pic, now its "lat-top" more to come
Pity comments and kudos peeps, i need them, or else i'll shave my head bald and blame it on you.
HEY PEEPS, THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO ALL WHO BELIEVE IN GODZILLA
If Godzilla wasent real how do i have this photo of him? Explain that one skeptics!
Still dont believe, read this story
Explain that one skeptics!
Here is a video i made telling people "THE FACTS" about the existence of Godzilla, prepair to be dumbfounded
Can you deny that proof? Explain that one skeptics!
Hello Everyone:
I have a simple request for this blog. If you believe in Godzilla, state it in the comments section and pass this blog to as many people as you know in MySpace. I want to see how many people we can reach in MySpace that believes in the zill. Thank you,
- CA
Dont get the joke?, well for about 2 weeks now the top 2 blogs in the most popular blog section have been anti and pro god respectivally (click the links to go off to their blogs), i personally think arguing about religion is pointles because no matter how good your argument is you will never change anyone minds, so why bother, everyone can believe what they want, i'll leave it at that
NOTE: this blog aint pro or anti god/christianity, its just a joke, i dont want any hate mail saying that you think their is some sort of subtelty or hidden message to this blog, there isnt, its a blog about Godzilla.
Hey peeps, so it just hit me the other day that my last few blogs have all been about relationshits, its been a good month almost since i did a blog on how much i hate something. Knowing that hate is the fuel that well....fuels me i've decided to do a blog on people that piss me off. Myspace people infact (pay close attention you may make the list!)
5 The Site Model
Those who have been on myspace a bit will remember what a site model is. Its usually a disenchanted emo kid who takes photos of themselfs for another myspace profile to use and for other kids to envy. You guys remember those layouts blogs like 6 months ago (where the hell have they gone BTW?) those started out as "Layouts" pages (i use the term layouts loosely because i happen to think it dosent warrent any merrit to make my peofile green with a huge pic that said "pimp my shitty profile" on it, anyone can do it, get over yourself)
Infact anyone can be a site model you just need a few things * Half cup of myspace pose photo * Teaspoon of Shitty photoshop effects and brushes * Diced layout text on a slant because people think teens cant read with their heads straight or someshit * 3 Peices of lameass colorless person because color is for losers
Simmer and serve
4. Myspace Gangsters (Wanksters)
(This is a real myspace photo i'm not joking)
Also known as myspace thug, eThug, or all around idiot. Dont you just hate it when you see someone that wants to act tought through myspace comments. you kinda almost feel sad for them. Yea man i'm sure that guy feels really intimidated by you because of that frowny face you posted. I'm sure their shitting their pants as we speak. The picture above came from a profile telling me how gangster they were and all the gangster things they did like vandalising wikipedia and staying up late.
:( As you can see i'm angry, as shown by the angry face. Dont mess with me
3.The online pick up artist
I'm totally peacocking
Face the music pickledick your never getting laid not looking like chewbacca's ass your not. If there is one thing i hate more than a fuckwit trying to impress at a party its a fuckwit trying to impress over myspace. Rather than cracking a set with a mad opener about how you want to be a professional hopscotch player or who cheats more. Why not do what we all do Get super drunk and hope for the best.
2. Myspace Dumbass
We all know at least 4
Dont be a dumbass, just dont....
1. Fake Naked ladies that want me to see their boobies
i wanna get laid tonite!!!
My friend request inbox has 88 of these, all with weird fucking names. "candida" "wilhelmia"? who comes up with these?
One thing that has me fucked is why does that chick have a starbucks coffee logo on her camera. Is starbucks the secret puppetmaster behind all these half naked spambots?, i'll look into it.
Actually on second thought, that picture has some boobs in it so it's all good i love spambots now
Oh yea, and about my last blog, i was going to do a second round of that name it game but something totally important came up (outside of myspace) i is not bullshitting you. So i'll do it soon
Hey peeps, so a while back i was subscribed to a blogger named madskillz, he played this "name that tune" game every week. anyway about 6 months ago i ripped off the idea on my blog and people seemed to like it. so i've decided to do part 2 with movies.
The game is simple
i post a picture that is a small clue for a movie title
you guys in the comments try to guess the movie, here are the rules 1. you can guess as many times as you want 2. use whatever means you want to get the answer * google * imdb * sexual favours 3. no blogdicking your answer
Anyway here we go, i have a lot of movies to go through, i'll post 3 to start off with and i'll post a new one everytime someone solves one., but try to limit it to one guess per comment
HEY PEEPS, ALL THE MOVIES FOR ROUND ONE HAVE BEEN GUESSED CHECK BACK IN A FEW HOURS FOR A FEW MORE MOVIES.
NOTE: Although i did pick these movies at random, every movie here you would have at least heard of one time in your life, no obscure movie from the 1940s that 2 people saw. and no small Aussie films that i'm sure no one has ever seen before. That being said some of these are still pretty difficult.
Good luck
BTW PEEPS, THIS GAME WILL BE IN TWO PARTS WHEN THE FIRST ROUND ON PICS IS OVER I'M GONNA WAIT A FEW HOURS AND POST THE NEXT BATCH, SO IF YOU DIDNT GET A CHANCE TO ANSWER ANY DONT WORRY
