Mystery: Final Update (or: It’s funny what you find out when you’re not looking)
Current mood: blank
Category: Life

It's a funny thing, life.

Just when you think that you have a pretty good idea of what to expect, something happens that should turn your life upside down, and make you question your entire belief in who you are and the people you know…but for whatever reason, doesn't.

Instead, life continues on as though the potentially life-changing decision never happened, and you remain totally unaffected.

Take, for example, the woman that the past two blogs named 'Mystery' were about. I loved her, she ditched me in the most hurtful way possible, we met again, I realized that I'd never stopped loving her, she seemed to be even more messed up than she was when I knew her originally, she died, I spent almost a year grieving, I moved on, case closed.

Right?

Nope.

The problem lies with the whole 'She Died' part….you see, it seems that if she did die, she suddenly got better.
Or, for whatever bizarre and twisted reasoning she'd held in her messed up head, she lied and made me believe that she was dead…and let me grieve the death of a living person.

Either way, I should be utterly furious. But I'm not. To be honest, I feel kind of sorry for her.

But first, I know you're probably wondering how I know that her 'death' was a huge lie, and what happened to let me find out, so I'll tell you.

About 2 months ago I got an email off a site that I'm a member of, telling me that people that I know on that site have updated their profiles, so I wandered over to the site - and let's face it, It was a dull Sunday afternoon and I was stuck for something to do. It was there that I saw that 'Miss A' had recently updated her profile.
Now, I'm a big believer in the afterlife, but I'm pretty certain that it does not have internet access.

I agonised over contacting her via the site, but finally decided against it, purely because - and as a friend said - it could be her grief-stricken ex, keeping her profile going as some kind of odd tribute to her….so I chose not to contact…also because (if I'm honest) I didn't want to find out that she was disturbed enough to have lied to about her own death to someone that she knew loved her.

End of story, right?

Well….not quite. It seems that some things want to be discovered, no matter how much you don't want to discover them.

Moving forward six or so months after finding out about her online profile being updated, I'm wandering around a local supermarket, when I turn an aisle and see a ghost.

The ghost looks up, sees me staring open mouthed at her, and freezes. I then do something very uncharacteristic of me.

- I ran away.

It was only when I was heading toward the exit that the thought occurred to me that I'm not the one who had clearly faked my death, and so I'm not the one who should be running, and so I stopped dead and turned back, vaguely wondering why I'd ran away in the first place. The rest of my shopping trip was pretty uneventful, and despite a growing feeling that I was being watched, nothing more happened. So much so in fact that by the time I reached the queues at the checkout, I was wondering if I'd been mistaken, and I hadn't seen her at all.

Then I looked around and saw her again.

She was doing that whole "I'm-looking-but-I'm-trying-to-look-like-I'm-not-looking" thing, and to be honest I was considering doing the same…but decided to go for the full-on "Shouldn't-you-be-pushing-up-the-daisies?" glances. I eventually paid for my goods, and with satisfaction saw that she was doing the same. I was vaguely wondering wether it would be worth starting a conversation with her, but decided that other than heavy sarcasm, I had nothing to say to her, and so was about to leave when I was nearly knocked over by the ghost literally running with her goods to the exit.

Like I said, it's a funny thing, life.
When I found out her profile was being regularly updated, I felt betrayed and felt that I needed to speak to her in order to find out why she lied about her death, and why she did that to a person that she knew loved her.

Now, I actually could care less why she did it. I've finally realised that she's a sad, empty, pathetic woman with serious mental problems.

And I'm better off staying as far away as possible.

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Help Me
Current mood: confused
Category: Writing and Poetry

 Help Me.

Maybe it's just a phase
But the days and the nights
and the nights and the days
Are all tossing and turning
& turning and burning inside my brain
Maybe I'm finally insane,
but I don't know what I believe any more
Its like I'm caught in some revolving door
going over and over and over and
Over and
Teach me how to pray
Tell me what to say
Help me
Help me find my way

You know that I never could play their games
and that all their faces look the same
but I won't give up, can't give in
You know I never want to be like them
Well I'm ticking away like time
I feel I'm out of sync and I'm out of my mind
and I used to know a truth from a lie, just by looking in their eyes
It carries me away
Further and further
and further every day
Help me
Help me find my way

I'm hanging by a thread
And the waves of confusion fall down on my head
And when I think of all the things you said
Well the words fall dead
Higher every day
A price I swore I'd never pay
Help me
Help me find my way

Currently reading : If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor By Bruce Campbell

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Kidology
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

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Jonah & I
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

I've been thinking a lot about God, recently.

Especially with regard to something that happened to me in Church when I was much younger, and how I've been running away from it ever since.

Let me explain.

When I was 14 - maybe even 15 - I was in Church as usual one sunny Sunday morning, a Church I had been attending faithfully for the past 3 years, when a man walked in. Not hugely unusual in itself, except for when you considered that this particular man was considered by many to be a genuine prophet of God. He spoke, churches listened....and the ones that didn't tended not to last long.

I had personally seen this man in action previously, I had seen him both praise a congregation member for something (was never sure what it was, I only recall that the member of the congregation was thunderstruck that this guy knew about whatever good deed it was that she was doing) and also rebuke another member of the congregation with the words 'Be sure your sins will find you out' (6 months later, he was arrested for 'interfering' with children)
I had also seen 'The Prophet' - for the want of a better name - walk into a packed meeting, walk up to a wheelchair bound woman (That I personally knew as a friend of the family, and had been stuck in the wheelchair since a motorcycle accident) and tell her that God had told him that it was time she walked again. 3 weeks later, she was in happy agony, as feeling rushed back into her legs (much to her doctors consternation). 1 week after that she was learning to walk again. Nowadays she walks everywhere.

So you get the picture. This guy quite literally scared the hell out of me, and out of every Church he entered. So when he asked the Pastor if he could give a short sermon to the congregation that day, The Pastor merely nodded, indicated the pulpit, and sat down, clearly eager to hear what this man had to say.
The sermon was only short, and spoke about the good shepherd who left the 99 sheep to seek out the 1 lost sheep, and how we were not to be concerned about the size of the church, but we were to be very concerned about the sheep who wander away from the congregation, and are lost to 'the world'.

Interesting, yes, but I was thinking more about getting home and having dinner, as I'd skipped breakfast that morning, and my stomach was complaining about my choice of 15 extra minutes in bed, versus a bowl of cornflakes. So I admit to only really half-listening to the sermon, glad that the guy hadn't come into the church to reveal my crush on the Pastor's teenage daughter to the entire congregation......not that I really thought God would notice me long enough to mention that to this guy, but you never knew.

Sermon over, and Pastor looking vaguely uncomfortable and a bit confused, The Prophet - still looking for a better term - made to leave...and stopped next to me. I remember feeling vaguely sick as the guy turned and looked directly at me, then started searching through his pockets. I even remember the fast prayer I inwardly sent up to heaven as I smiled sickly backat this guy - it went like this:

"OhGodnopleasenodon'tleteveryoneknowaboutmefancyinghelenpleasedon'tI'llbeagoodboyandputmoneyintheofferingforeverpleasedon'ttellhimtotellthempleasedon'tjustdon'tpleaseJesusAmen"
Then the guy brought a small bottle of oil out of his pocket, opened it and poured it over my head.

Suitably unimpressed and totally confused as to what was happening, I regarded him with the typically British "excuse me, but I think you've just deliberately poured oil over my carefully hair-sprayed head" sort of way. He then took my hands and declared to me (and to a silent congregation) that God had 'Chosen me to be a protector of the downcast, forgotten and unloved, and to be a healer of hearts'
I smiled, nodded politely - I even think I might have said "That's nice of him, thanks" - and hoped desperately that he'd made a mistake and anointed the wrong person.

After the meeting I was glad to get home, after having the Pastor and church elders telling me over and over again how 'fortunate I was that God had chosen me for this wonderful and important task' (Yeah, but why me?) How I was going to be the 'good shepherd, seeking out the lost and forgotten' (Really? can't I just hand out the hymn books instead, like everyone else?)
I was glad to wash my hair for the 2nd time that day, and inwardly was hoping to also wash away the job I'd just been told I had to do...so while my family were enthusing about having the person 'The Prophet' had come to see sat at the dinner table, I was sat silent and thoughtful - already strapping on my best mental running shoes, and doing my stretching exercises in preparation for the marathon that I knew lay before me.

12 years later, and I'm 26, I've been the Big Bad Wolf for a few years, and I'm a good 10 years into running away from both God, and the job I'd been told He'd picked me for.

I'm in a chip-shop after the usual night out of hard drinking, womanising and random violence, when the tramp in front of me realises that he doesn't have enough money for the chip supper he's just ordered. The disappointment coming off him is almost palpable. In a totally uncharacteristic show of compassion, I tell the guy behind the counter to throw a few 'torpedo' sausages onto the tramps chip supper and that I'd pay for it. The guy behind the counter does a double-take, but knowing the shortness of my fuse, and my reputation for acts of extreme violence on people who don't do what I tell them to do, the moment I tell them to do it, he wordlessly complies. I get my own fish supper, pay for both meals and leave.

The tramp is waiting for me outside.

I glance at him and begin to walk past, when the tramp grabs hold of my shoulder and begins to say something to me, something that I remember clearly to this day, as if he'd only said it to me a moment ago.(I remember glancing into the chip shop when the tramp grabs me, and seeing the guy behind the counter see this happening, wince, and start to reach for the phone - probably to call either the police, or an ambulance...or both. Neither were needed.)
The tramp says in a suprisingly clear and gentle voice, that "God will never let me escape the task he had set before me, that I can run, but the task will follow me everywhere I go. No matter how hard or how far I run, or how unholy and unGodlike I try to be, I will never run away from the light that is inside me. The light has been lit, and the unloved, the lost and the forgotten will seek me out."

I turn to snarl a sharp, angry (and very, very scared) reply back to the tramp.....and find myself facing an empty street. I look back into the chip shop, hoping that I wasn't going nuts and that the tramp had ran into the relative safety of the chip shop...only to see the guy behind the (empty) counter staring back at me frozen in place, phone in hand, jaw wide open, and looking utterly dumbfounded. I scowl even further, hoping to hide the fear that I was now feeling, and storm off.

Instead of accepting this for the fair warning that it was, I ran even harder.

It's only now, now that I'm looking back that I see the real humour of the situation - and I'm positive that God has been laughing hard enough to nearly fall off his throne at the fact that I've been that determined not to help people, that I've been helping them every step of the way - and never seeing it until now.

It was only recently, when I was chatting to a friend and she asked me how I knew when she needed help, as I have an eerie, uncanny knack of turning up when she has a disaster or crisis happening in her life, helping her solve the issue, or supporting her through the issue...and then fading away to the background again - that I slowly realised that that was how I'd met each and every one of my close friends and acquaintances.

In every case, I'd 'bumped into', met, or turned up just when the person was either reaching their lowest point, or was about to. And in every case I watched over them, was totally at their disposal for a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear, and generally did all I can to bring them through the bad place that they found themselves in....and in every case, the situation they were in directly mirrored a situation I had already been through, and so knew what they were to expect, and could advise them on the best things for them to do...or the right words for me to say to them.

I used to think that I've had a crappy life, and that nothing good happened to me...but now I see it for what it was. I've not had a crappy life at all, but rather I've had a life full of amazing and interesting experiences - some good, some terrible - but all of them are of some use to somebody.
I've never been able to deny the existance of God - bearing in mind the impossible things that I've seen, a paralysed woman walk, the dead raised, even myself knowing instinctively how a person is feeling, without ever having met them before, for example - but I have been guilty of saying that God had forgotten and abandoned me....when that was never the case. In fact, I think I have him to thank for all the wonderful friends I have, and the amazing people I've had the total pleasure of meeting, or even helping out.

So what now? Do I grow a beard, wear sackcloth and ashes and go from town to town, seeking out the lost, unloved, lonely and forgotten and changing their lives a la Michael Brandon in Highway to Heaven? (and yes, I just had to Google that!) Nope, not at all. All I think I'm going to do is carry on living my life, just as I always have.

Oh yes, and I'll also stop running.

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MERRY COMMERCIALMAS.
Current mood: disgusted
Category: Writing and Poetry

Currently listening : The Sickness By Disturbed Release date: 07 March, 2000

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BURIED TREASURE.
Current mood: tired
Category: Writing and Poetry

BURIED TREASURE.

(For Diana, Princess of Wales.)

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The Life & Death of Gabriel Ravensgate.
Current mood: blank
Category: Life

Gabriel Ravensgate is dead.

I know - I've seen his death certificate.

I suppose I'm even guilty of his death.

"Hang on" I hear you cry "aren't you Gabriel Ravensgate?" - And here's where things get a little complicated, perhaps even squiffy.

I am Gabriel Ravensgate.

Or at least I was born with that name. Nowadays I go by a very different name, a name I was given when I was approaching my 9th birthday and I was adopted by a much more loving family than the ones that I had been born with. My original parents having perished in a mysterious (and not to mention covenient) house fire.

Interested now?

Let's begin at the beginning, and I'll show you how quickly a life can spin out of control and a person can end up as someone else without really trying.

I was born Gabriel Darin Ravensgate on the 14th July 1968 at one minute past midnight, to Joseph & Mary (hysterically enough) Ravensgate.

Joseph was a cook in the Army, a violent alcoholic and wife-beater. Mary had given up long ago and spent her time bouncing from nervous breakdown to nervous breakdown, drifting through her days in a Valium blurred haze.

As far from the traditional picture of Joseph & Mary that you can hope to get? Then add a baby into that mix. An unwanted, accident baby. I remember my father once saying that I didn't have a birth certificate, I had an apology letter from Durex, a condom manufacturer. According to him, I ruined the 'delicate financial balance' that the Ravensgates existed in.

From the very beginning, I was the bad guy, so my evolution into the Big Bad Wolf should have surprised nobody.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't go from baby to Big Bad Wolf overnight, it took a long time for that evolution to occur, and I needed a lot to finalize the process, but looking back, I can see how the foundations were laid and the events which conspired to turn me into the creature I became.

Currently watching : Bones - The Complete First Season Release date: 28 November, 2006

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Love Is Simply Awful.
Current mood: depressed
Category: Writing and Poetry

Currently listening : Infected By The The Release date: 02 July, 2002

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Nruter
Current mood: calm
Category: Writing and Poetry

Currently watching : Cool Hand Luke Release date: 25 June, 1997

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Psuedo Perfect
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Writing and Poetry

Currently listening : Puzzle By Biffy Clyro Release date: 21 May, 2007

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SOLUS, Inc.
Current mood: blah
Category: Writing and Poetry

SOLUS, Inc.

Currently listening : Hybrid Theory By Linkin Park Release date: 24 October, 2000

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Decayed/Decade
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Writing and Poetry

Currently listening : Meteora By Linkin Park Release date: 25 March, 2003

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MIDNIGHT, AND MOROSE.
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Writing and Poetry

Currently listening : Hybrid Theory By Linkin Park Release date: 24 October, 2000

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Smile ’til it Hurts
Current mood: awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

Smile 'til it Hurts

I'm so happy that you've gone,
as time becomes elastic,
and seconds stretch into hours,
and minutes into days.
I'm so happy that you've left me,
and the water running from my eyes,
is only a natural phenomenon
caused by the gap in my life,
where you used to be.
I'm so happy that we're separated,
and the accusing silence that condemns me
is just the sort of comfort
that I've always needed.
I'm so glad that our love is over,
and the pictures of you
that I keep by my bedside
are there to remind me
that even I make mistakes.
I'm so pleased that we're now apart,
and the depressed air that I carry about
is only put there
to hide my joy.
I'm so ecstatic that I'm alone again,
and I love the gently ticking clocks
that keep me informed of how many
seconds, minutes, hours, days, and weeks
have passed since
time stood still
Forever.

©2007 G.R.

Currently watching : Stick It Release date: 19 September, 2006

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Doubts and Dreams
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Writing and Poetry

Doubts and Dreams

Moon,
Can  I drift with you a while?
I'm in need of your soft smile,
I'm feeling lost and down and sad,
I knew love could hurt, but not this bad.

Moon,
Does she dream of me tonight?
Is it me she sees 'til morning light?
- Forgive my insecurity,
But I hope she really does love me.

Sun,
Wake her gently in the morn,
don't let her peaceful sleep be torn,
and will she think of me today,
as she goes along her way?

Sun,
Can I share a secret dream?
Where I'm her King, and She's my Queen,
and we'll never drift apart,
for to lose her love would break my heart.

Moon,
Does she wish upon you too?
Does she ask what I've asked of you?
I know you know I'll never treat her bad,
Or break her heart and make her sad.

So Moon,
Just one more thing before you go,
Please let her know I miss her so,
I've not heard her voice all night or day
so perhaps that's why I feel this way.

Sun,
Call her name within the breeze,
and as it gently sways the trees
let her know I love her more
than I did the day before.

And Sun,
Send this song from me to her,
This love song to last for ever
and if she sends one back to me,
I'll hold it up for you to see.

Moon and Sun,
I see it's time for me to sleep,
So I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And let you two go on your way,
I'll see you both another day.

©2007 GR

Currently watching : Die Hard (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 07 September, 2004

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