How to make the PERFECT movie!
Current mood: Spielberg can suck my ass
Category: Spielberg can suck my ass Movies, TV, Celebrities

As Americans, we love our movies. So much in fact we spend an estimated $16.9 BILLION annually. But how much of that money actually goes towards any "good" movies?

The answer: $22.50

 That’s because most movies suck ass and have no entertainment value whatsoever. Thought you were going to the overblown multiplex to see a funny comedy? WRONG – you’ve just been duped into lining the pockets of some Hollywood weasel that pens out scripts while blowing lines off the ass of some high-end hooker. We’re wasting our money, people. This is also the reason why gas prices are so high and children go missing.

So after wasting an hour and a half of my life that I’ll never get back on some boring shitfest last night, I decided that I would make it my life’s mission to become the greatest movie maker of all time.

Ultimately saving Americans tons of money, solving the recession, halting animal cruelty, putting a stop to crime, reducing global warming by 100% and ending all wars.

Thinking long and hard for approximately 7 minutes, I’ve come up with a list on –

HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT MOVIE

BE ORIGINAL:

First, start off by obtaining the rights to a book that someone else has already written, i.e., Steven King. Then, re-write the book into a screenplay and fuck it up beyond all comprehension – be sure to take all the important stuff out too. People that are fans of the original work might be offended if you were to include their favorite parts, making any sort of sense out of the story. Also - make sure to eliminate important characters and places and then introduce NEW characters and places with different names and shit. After all, people already read the stupid book, why the fuck would they want to see it realized on the big screen anyway?

THE TITLE OF A MOVIE SAYS IT ALL:

USE AN OLD SONG!

This is so extremely important for your movie. A title will actually make or break a film. For example: "No Country For Old Men", this movie kicked so much ass yet didn’t get any buzz until it was nominated for a few Oscar’s. People read the title and were like - "I’m not going to the movies to watch a bunch of oldass geriatrics fuck in the desert for two hours, fuck that fuckin’ shit!"

I happen to know that this was the common sentiment…. I conducted an intense, calculated poll for my movie research.

7 minutes is a long time….

What you want to do to find the ULTIMATE appellation for your art is: Use an old song title.

Any song title will do.

Any.

People are dumb asses and are easily confused. They like the familiarity.

This one works every time.

Just ask Rob Reiner.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS - STARTING A MOVIE OFF RIGHT:

 +

=

I can’t stress enough emphases on the beginning portion of a movie. You must grab hold of your audience and let them know that they’re in for one hell of a ride. How do you do this? Very simple: CREDITS - That’s right, Shitloads upon shitloads of credits. Don’t save your important credits like the catering staff for the end of the movie – which doesn’t make any sense. Do it at the beginning. People are frightened easily and you don’t want to startle them by just getting into the meat of a picture straight away. You want to lull them in slowly – almost as if you were inducing them via syringe into a light coma. People will pay more attention to your hard work if you somewhat put them to sleep first. And while the credits are endlessly rolling on and on, you want to show depressing stuff, like homeless people sleeping in boxes or a handicapped person struggling with an addiction. It’s imperative that the audience be reminded of the very thing they’re trying to escape by going to a movie in the first place.

MUSIC

SAY NO TO ORCHESTRA!

SAY YES TO REAL TALENT!

Now music sets the overall tone of a film. You want to create "atmosphere".

What you DON’T want to do in your film is use an orchestra with a timeless sound. That’s downright ludicrous. You want to be current and "hip".

What you DO want to use is the latest trend in music that’s available today, so in twenty years when people go back to view your masterpiece they can be reminded on how great the music was back then. Using current rap or dance music is definitely the way to go. Also, you can never fail by securing a superstar for your soundtrack who is absolutely sure to have a long and lustrous career, preferably a complete fucking nut job.

LIGHTS

WRONG LIGHTING ON BATMAN SHOWN HERE

A big "No-No" in the movie biz is too much lighting. You want your film to be as dark as humanly possible so people can get into it and use their imagination.

I can’t tell you how many times I go to a movie and think to myself "If only I couldn’t see what the hell was going on here, I’d actually enjoy this scene more!"

CORRECT LIGHTING SHOWN HERE

 People tend to respond really, really well to darkness and loud noises combined, like when you yell "FIRE" in a pitch-black room with 500 strangers.

Personally, I think "seeing" a "motion" picture is overrated, your mind should create the motion. The guess factor of not seeing what’s on the screen is so god damn fun, THAT’S why you want to make great movies in the first place.

 I bet blind people enjoy movies better than people who take their sight for granted.

CAMERA!

Whenever filming a serious scene between two people having a deep conversation it is of the utmost importance to zoom in as close as the camera will allow. You want to pan right up in on that shit like you were searching for diamond dust on their nose hairs.

CLOSENESS = DRAMA.

 I don’t know about you but when I’m sitting in front of a 40ft wide screen I want to see every god damn wrinkle, freckle, and ingrown stubble on Robert Dinero’s ugly face that I can possibly sink my eyes into.

Actually, when I film my movie, all scenes will be shot using a Macro Lens.

ACTION!

The best way to create "action" in a movie is not in the quality of choreographing, and it’s certainly not about stunts, explosions and car chases. It’s about all the smooth camera work. And when I mean ’smooth camera work’ I mean by totally shaking the ever-living shit out of the camera so you can’t distinguish what the fuck is going on. You want to give the "impression" of action – not by actually delivering it.

There’s nothing I like more than seeing a good fight scene ( or bad because I can never tell… ) and having the camera shake all over the place, like the cameraman filming the scene has Parkinson’s and he’s being electrocuted by a cattle prod.

It makes me think to myself, "Hey! There’s something going on here! I can’t see what the hell is happening but it must be good because the camera is all over the damn place! WOW…BRAVO, BRAVO!!!" I LOVE when a scene is perfectly steady and as soon as the "action" kicks in the camera goes completely fucking berserk. Nothing beats blurry, random shit.

THE END

And finally - The End. This really isn’t that important for a movie that’s destined to become a classic. You should really focus on not tying up loose ends or explaining ridiculous plot holes. Also – you should kill off all the main characters and not really explain why. Other than that you can pretty much "wing it" and call it a day.

Don’t forget to abruptly stop the movie too. This makes people feel satisfied and not wanting any more of your awesomeness.

Watch for my name up in lights, my friends. It’s only a matter of time before I produce the most amazing films ever made. Take that to the bank, Spielberg, you amateur....

9:52 AM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Want to know if you’re an asshole? I’ll tell you.
Category: Life

 

I get e-mails from time to time asking me for my advice on whether or not people are assholes. Like for instance, the e-mail I got the other day  - "Dear bubba, I like to make out in public, am I, in your most awesomely humble opinion, an asshole?" Sincerely, 'Lost In A Kiss'.

 My resp.. "If its chick on chick, NO – you are cool and should do it more often. If its dude on dude action – YES – you're an asshole. No one cares that you're gay. Get over it." Unless you're making out in deep Alabama territory at a truck stop somewhere – unfortunately, people will care …and will probably kill you for it.

So, to help out all my friends, straight or gay, I've decided to make a short list of things that will help you decide if you're indeed an asshole or not.

I wear a Bluetooth headset, am I an asshole?

Yes. The only people that should be sporting one of these ridiculous things are:

A.)  Cops directing traffic.

B.)   Quadriplegics who like to jibber jabber.

C.)   Businessmen driving on the highway talking about the flight attendant they just banged.

Other than that – you are sure to be an asshole and you look like a blithering tool.

No one gives two shits that you are wearing a Bluetooth head set. "Hey look at me…I'm walking around talking on my BLUETOOTH in public because it says that I'm important!"

NO – it says that you're insecure and you feel the need to stand out… and you look like a dick.

Then when people cant see the head set that you're talking into, you look like you're insane and one step away from being a homeless drunk having a conversation with the voices in your head.

Lose the Bluetooth, asshole. Get a life.

I make sure to go to a convenience store during the busiest time of day and buy $500.00 worth of scratch tickets while cashing in my winnings, am I an asshole?

Yep, you most definitely are. You are the epitome of a true asshole. In the echelon of assholes, you are on one of the top tiers, my friend.

The only people who should be doing this are:

A.)  NO ONE. Go back to the shit bar you just came from and buy them from the goddamn machine in the corner, idiot. And while you're at it, cash them in at midnight, not when people are rushing to get to work or on the way to pick up their kids from school.

Seriously, nothing pisses me off more than some fuckjob taking up MY time, holding up the line, buying their stupid fucking scratch tickets.

It's times like these I wish I had a bad-ass Taser gun.

"I'll have a Grand Slam and a Golden Bucket and a…a… uhhhhhhhhhhhh....  lets see…uhhhhh… Money Maker and and and and and uhhhhhhhhhhhh what looks good to you?"

AAAAAAARRRRRRGE!

*ka-click* WHAMO…two electrified prongs to the cock.

Drop that fucker to the floor and film that shit for Youtube.

I get all flustered and cant handle the pressure of a traffic jam so I constantly lay on the horn thinking it's a magical button that will eventually transport my ignorant ass to point B quicker, am I an asshole?

And the answer is – YES. Not only are you an asshole, you're a FUCKING ASSHOLE.

*BEEP - BEEP -  BEEEEEEEP…

"HEY, I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS AND I NEED TO GET MOVING HERE!!!!…"

 *BEEEP -  BEEEEEP…

 "THIS HONKING OF MY HORN SHOULD DO THE TRICK!"

*BEEEEEEP - BEEEEEP -  BEEEEEEP…

"I'M A HEARTATTACK WAITING TO HAPPEN!"

*BEEEP BEEEP BEEEEEP…

"I BEAT MY KIDS!"

In certain sections of China they have "No Auto Horn" areas. Getting caught blowing your horn results in instant death. No trial, just a bullet to the face.

True story.

Most people that drive in China are underage children trying desperately to make their way to the government owned factories so they can make products that will eventually poison your unsuspecting kids. So, just to let you know, the streets run red with children's blood in China.

 I think America should adopt this most righteous law.

*BEEP – BEEEEP

"LETS GET THIS TRAFFIC MOVING, MOTHER FU-"

*BLAM!!!! – You're dead, asshole.

Time to confiscate your car, make your family clean the brains off the dash and give it to charity. You're not going to be needing it anymore.

I like to talk obnoxiously loud and act like a spastic, uncontrollable five-year-old with my equally ignorant buddies at the movies, are we a bunch of assholes?

Wow, huh…how do I say this…um… yeah? And I wish you were all dead.

People like you should be flagged and then banned from movie theaters for life. Just like a store that has signs up for people that write bad checks. Seriously, signs in the lobby- "This person is BANNED from all movie theaters on planet Earth." Not only should you be banned for life - but issued an "ASSHOLE TAG" to wear out in public, warning people that an asshole has just entered the building. You will be treated accordingly.

 Screw that, now that I think about it, it should be made into a permanent tattoo on your forehead - because you're an asshole and you would take off the issued tag the first chance you got. Enjoy the ink, fucko.

I have absolutely no response, nor care when people do something genuinely courteous for me; does this make me an asshole?

You betcha! You're a massive asshole! People can tell you're an asshole without even talking to you, because - you even LOOK like an asshole! There's no mystery there.

Here, I'll try to explain what  'courtesy' means, asshole, since you've obviously never made it past sixth grade:

Cour-te-sy :

1. Excellence of manners and social conduct.
2. A respectful or considerate act or expression.
3. Saying thank you when someone opens a fucking door for your lazy ass.
4. Giving at least a head nod when someone lets you into busy traffic, douche bag.

I hope that clears up what COURTESY means, asshole. Try it out; you may feel that black cloud of misery clear out from over your head.

When I'm standing in line or driving in my car, I always feel it necessary to be as close as humanly possible to the person in front of me, am I an asshole?

Oh my god, yes.

Were you raised in another country where your fellow asshole countrymen felt the need to invade each other's personal space? Or were you just brought up in an uncommonly tiny abode? Do you have OCD and think if there's too much distance between you and another car, you will suffer a complete mental breakdown and crash? Back the fuck off, asshole. No one wants you breathing down their neck at the fucking grocery store… or feeling like you're going to smash your piece of shit Dodge Neon into the back of their shiny new car. Pay attention, get out of the fog and wake the fuck up. You're too god damn close. It's time you were introduced to a little thing I like to call - MANNERS. 

It might be a new concept for you.

Here goes, moron –

Man-er –s:  Noun

Ways of behaving with reference to polite standards, social comportment: "That child has good manners."

The prevailing customs of people: CLASS.

Not standing 2 inches away from a strangers face in a fucking subway train with your shit breath while talking on your Bluetooth headset.

Keeping a CARS LENGTH distance behind other vehicles while driving, not a CATS LENGTH, you igno.

I think the world is my dumping ground and I feel no remorse when I blindly throw garbage out onto the street, could this possibly make me an asshole?

Possibly? Ha, you come from generations of assholes, asshole. Your parents were assholes, your parent's parents and all the parents that came before them were assholes. You've been an asshole from the day you were born.

I see red when I'm driving down a backwoods road and I come across a busted up couch or a broken TV that some worthless piece of shit decided to just dump on the side of the street. Although I can understand how much time and effort it takes to get that shit into your vehicle, find some clean, peaceful spot and dispose of your waist there-  instead of oh, I don't know – finding a dumpster behind a store or god forbid actually paying the four lousy bucks to go to the dump and get rid of it responsibly. Nice job you asshole – lets speed up the destruction of our planet. Not only are you an asshole but you're a cheap asshole.

Now, it seems to me that the whole "Littering Fine Method" apparently isn't working. It's a joke. There's just no tangible fear of a stupid fine. So I propose the following:

Anyone that gets caught for littering, ANYONE - WHATEVER THAT LITTER MAY BE, will be forced to EAT said litter. That's right…the person will be monitored as well. Every. last. bite.

Dropped off a rusty 'ol, broken down truck, thinking you could get away with it? Tough shit, asshole, rules are rules - that truck is now your breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next decade. Start cutting it up now, I don't think even your fat ass can eat a whole gas tank in one sitting.

Baby diaper?…good job, lazy – hope you enjoy eating your own baby's runny fecal matter.

Used oil? I guess you'd better start adding oil along with the cream to your coffee in the morning. Better add a little extra sugar while you're at it, I hear used motor oil can be bitter.

Well, that's it for now, my friends. I hope you've taken my advice to heart.

Feel free to leave your comments about what your definition of an 'asshole' may be.

I'm very interested to know. And remember – people who read other peoples blogs and don't leave comments are –

you guessed it.

12:16 PM - 9 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Sports I propose we make extreme.....
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Sports

Sports I propose we make extreme…

With the UFC and it's ever rising climb in popularity, I'm seeing more and more sports looking a bit on the dull side, old fashioned if you will.

I believe that our generation needs to rise up, take a much-needed stand and implement new ways of making these bland 'old hat' sports seem new and exciting.

For instance, boxing has become way too boring and overrated and in some cases soured by gambling and poor sportsmanship.

You don't see Chuck Liddell from the UFC throwing a match to put some extra coin in his pocket... Oh no, you can't fake that shit. He's ground pounding face to be able to drive around in luxury sports cars and bang hot strippers like most intelligent, respectable men.

Try watching a UFC fight between Anderson Silva and Andrei Arlovski sometime. It will no doubt be a brutal, ass handing match. One that wont consist of endless dancing around and sweaty forehead rubbing. Then switch it on over to just plain boxing and watch two fat, out of shape morons hug each other for ten endless rounds. I guarantee if you are a 'part time' boxing fan you will ditch watching the big, goofy gloved 'old schoolers' and go over to the UFC. You'll be in awe at the physical awesomeness and skill that these 'real' fighters need to possess in order to make a living. And again, there's no "Taking a dive" in this shit. You take a dive and you're fucked.

Now, don't get me wrong, I used to be a huge boxing fan. As a matter of fact one of my best friends Carlos is a boxer. He trains every day and has real fights in front of real crowds. His last fight resulted in a win in the first round. This kid is fucking huge but hands down one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, that is, if you're not afraid of menacing Puerto Rican's that like to fight.

I was joking with him one time and I said "Hey Los-Los…go ahead and punch me in the liver, heh heh…" He responded with a laugh, "Dude… I'd kill you."  It sounded funny but he was very, very serious.

So I'm not knocking boxers for their strength or their skill for that matter, I'm just talking on an entertainment level. By the way Los, I know you're reading this, so please…. don't punch me in my liver any time soon, MMMM K?

Which one seems more exciting....Hmmmmm, cant decide....cant decide...

So-

I predict that boxing will fall by the wayside and UFC, Pride Fighting and other versions of ass kickery will soon dominate our viewing world. Because of the fact it's fresh, modern and fucking cool as hell to watch.

So with that said, here is a small list of some sports I feel need a 'retooling' to gather a larger fan base and make shit loads of money that they'll never need in this lifetime…. forget donating it to charity or something stooopid like that. Pfffft.

NASCAR

Ooooooh…  NASCAR! How I love to watch a bunch of cars that are virtually the same drive around a giant oval five hundred times in a row! Exciting to be sure!

NASCAR fans are a passionate, loving bunch that know every stat of every driver and every team. Man, I can see how a sport that was the result of running moonshine from the cops can be so damn exhilarating! - Yeeee hawww...lets break the law!

-KIDDING - Holy shit is racing boring. Hey, I've got an idea… lets invent a sport where we get a bunch of fella's with the same exact toasters, get them into the same exact kitchen and see how fast they can toast their bread, huh? Woooo hooo!!!


Or… how 'bout we get a bunch of professional painters, give them all the same rollers and all the same paint and we'll see which one can paint a circular room the fastest!!
Of course in-between laps the entire commercial line up would be about paint and painting products! Yes!

"But bubba...these guys defy death and disfigurement!"

 1 – It's their choice

 2 -  they get paid a SHIT load of money TO DRIVE A FUCKING CAR AROUND IN A CIRCLE.

 Okay, so we'll make all the painters paint in the same room so they can smash the shit out of each other, maybe form some kind of drafting behind the other guy's roller. There.

 Before any passionate NASCAR fans read this and give me loads of shit for dissing racing, hear me out for a moment….

I propose we turn the normal 'ho hum' racing tracks into one giant-ass' neon Hot Wheel track and place it directly in the center of the Earth, complete with humongous loops and death defying jumps over rivers of lava!
 
Wouldn't it be so cool to see Dick Trickle blast around turn two, do six, breathtaking loopty loops, jump over a crowd then explode into a ball of fire!?

Yeah…that would so rule.

NASCAR commissioner, hello? Are you reading any of this?

Golf.

I know there are a lot of avid golfers out there and that's cool.

Sure, I like being on a golf course (carving out sod with my truck at 2 in the morning) and being outdoors and doing outdoorsy stuff.

And yeah, golf is most definitely a sport that requires skill, power and grace…  poise, precision and patience. Yes, one helluva game.

 My brother in-law is actually a golf pro. Yep...went to school for it, works in a pro shop, literally travels the globe and plays golf for a living. Even has sponsors and gets high-end shit for free, but...

fuckin' A - golf is the most boring thing in the world to watch on TV - even beats racing in the 'boredom dept'.

How do I know golf is boring on TV?

Because… it's not just my brother in-law who lives, breaths, eats and shits golf. It's that whooooooole side of the family. And at every family function guess what's on the idiot box…. GOLF…. in High Def no less.

Never fails… Always golf.

My father in-law was watching golf in the hospital when he unfortunately passed away. I know he was… because I was sitting beside him.  So… I gotta say… they love their fucking golf.

Other than being almost impossibly stodgy to watch, there are the announcers that whisper ever so slightly with that annoying drone, hushed voice. "Watch Buttermire here for the birdie, he's going to go for a slight putt and cast it over the higher green for a back spin roll…"

God damn it, I can't stand this dribble… and if it sounds like I don't know what the hell I'm talking about… it's because I DON'T. I don't really pay attention because I'm lulled into a deep sleep that's only awakened by the sound of a TV being turned off.

Here's what I propose:

They should equip the golfers (and their caddie's- if only for the fun factor) with electric stun belts that have different degrees of shock value depending on where the ball lands and the difficulty of the shot. Easy shot - bad landing? WHAMO!!!  5000 volts right to the sack.

Ball lands in the water? Awe…too bad ~ BZZZZZZZZT!!!!!!!!…

"Is that shit running down your leg, Mr. Woods?"

Man, that would make for some interesting TV.

I'd sure as hell watch.

Those guys would be sweating it out BIG TIME, trying sooooo carefully not to miss. I mean, even more so then they do already. The thought of being electrocuted in front of a crowd or on national television for that matter would sure make me a better golfer.

A look of horror would wash over the golfer's face as his ball careened off-course in mid flight… as it falls to the ground and rolls back into a sand trap! BZZZZZZZT!!!!

Golf boy hits the deck from being punched in the chest by Mr. Electricity.

 And the announcers …whooo boy…they'd be a little more animated, wouldn't you agree?

Next,

Tennis.

Now I have to admit, I never gave tennis more than a passing glance. Because to me tennis is two people jumping side-to-side, lobbing a ball back and forth while grunting.

Sure, they do a lot of running to-and-fro and I suppose you've got to be at the top of your game, physically speaking- but C'mon, does anyone consider this shit worthy to watch?

It's different if you're actually playing and participating… but entertainment? Sheeeit….

I propose to the mighty powers of the tennis kingdom:

Make the tennis court even narrower and precariously perch it over deep trenches full of extremely sharp spikes on either side. One wrong lunge and the player will topple over into a pit of doom, destined to impale himself on the spires below.

 Also, I submit to have towering walls of flame at the players backs that move in closer as the game progresses…therefore the player to score the least has his flame advance accordingly…
Naturally the winner isn't given a butt load of money, nor a shiny trophy… He's granted his life to go on and play another Death Match Game for the tennis god… if they so see fit, if not, he will be ordered to throw himself onto a doom spike for the delight of his minions. 

 I love seeing pictures or footage of a tennis player snapping their ankle during a match....

That shit is hilarious. Imagine snapping your twig, catching on fire and THEN falling onto a sharpened iron spike?
Badass.

I fucking rule and should invent games for a living.

Basketball

Now to me, basketball is waaaaaay too fucking overrated. I went to see the Celtics play out in Bean Town one time when I was a kid. I was all excited and lit up… but when I finally got there I was like, "That's it? That's all they do? A bunch of crybaby thugs that get paid waaaaay too much?.... To do this shit??"

 Yeah, great... you can run around and dribble a ball. Super.

 Does it make me jealous that basketball kids are whisked off to college, given unfair treatment, then get signed to a multi million dollar contract (not to mention endorsement deals of products they cant even spell the name of) for playing 'bouncy bounce, get the ball through a hoop!?

You bet your ass it does.

If I were a genetic freak and 8 ft tall I would have done the same damn thing. That would have been the fuckin' ballsack.

Shack – god bless you, man, god bless you.

But I digress….

Now here's what I would do if I were given the chance:

No shoes or socks and the floor would be greased down for maximum slippage. The only dress worn would be regulation shorts.

Who wants to see the junk of an eight-foot tall basketball player?

And the court would be sloped at a slight angle on both ends so the players would really have to struggle to make it count.
The only traction or grip the players could use would be the large deap-sea fishing hooks attached to bands on both their elbows and knees. Like if a player found himself on the floor and couldn't stand up, he would simply gouge one of his hooks into another player's extremities and try to get some leverage. Doesn't matter which team.

 At the half time portion of the game (is there even halftime in basketball? If not, there is now) weapons would be thrown out into the court and the last one to get a basket wins the hand of the coaches daughter.

If the coach does not have a daughter, he must then give the player something of equal or greater value… such as a garden hose or toiletry.

Well that's it for now. I will be submitting these awesome and groundbreaking works of genius to all the professional sports leagues aforementioned.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Until next time, watch UFC, bitches….

2:21 PM - 14 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

HOLY SHIT, IT'S FRIDAY THE 13 AND WE'RE GOING TO GET FUCKED UP!!!

 Friday The 13th Drinking Game

Who doesn't love a good drinking game? I know I sure do. There's nothing like finishing off an evening full of fun and games by resting your head on a nice cool toilet seat. Now, there are plenty of drinking games out there - Quarters, Red and Black, Donkey Punch, Iraqi Militant Group Pile Up

( ok, I'm just making shit up now ) but I've come up with the ultimate drinking game sure to get you wasted AND it's dedicated to one of the best Horror movie series of all time: Friday The 13th.

 Lets face it - by the time part 5 roles around - the only way to enjoy it is to get fucked up, right?

So here are the rules. You must follow all thirteen accordingly, although not necessarily in order.

 1.) Jason's presence: You must shout out "Jason!" and do one shot for every time you hear the  "Get get  get – Out out out" sound effect before a kill. But if it was a false alarm, say like a cat creeping around the corner or someshit and you STILL shouted out "Jason!" you must do three shots and then consume a full beer. These movies were made for scholars and geniuses of the like. You've just been fooled. Dumb ass.

Side rule = If you are one of the igno's that think the "Get Out" sound effect is anything other than "Get Out", for example = "Cheh Cheh Cheh, ah ah ah" or "Chickah - Chickah" from fuckin Ferris Bueller's day off, you are disqualified from the game. You must pick up your pink belongings, go home and pop in your Lord Of The Dance DVD for the billionth time… you are not a true horror fan and you deserve to be shunned.

2.) The name call: Take a drink for every time you hear a character call out the name of a missing family member or friend who is undoubtedly pinned to a tree with a pitchfork somewhere. This usually happens during the third act of the movie. Most of the people are dead and there are just a few people remaining to discover the mutilated corpses. Jason loves to play hide and seek, only with dead bodies. Careful with this one, for this rule is a guaranteed liver pickler = "Gordon? Gordon? Gordon? Gooooordon? Gordon? Gordon? Gordon? Gordon?"  Goddamnit, Gordon is dead already, shut the fuck up. Drink 20 times.

3.) Drink a full beer every time you see someone take a shit and not wipe their ass. Jason is a neat freak and will not stand for uncleanliness. I don't know about you, but every time I'm in the outhouse smoking a joint I always remember to wipe my ass. Why? I don't want Jason ramming a fire poker through my skull because my asshole is dirty.

4.) Take three drinks for every time something goes crashing through a window. After you drink, promptly throw your empty bottle through a closed window. If there are no windows available, wait patiently until after the movie is finished and then smash the TV. If the TV screen is plastic simply smash the bottle over your head.

5.) Take five drinks for every time the electricity goes out. Take six for when some poor bastard goes down into the basement to fix the electricity. And finally, finish the remainder of your drink when the stupid fuck gets it with a garden tool because they were foolish enough to fall for Jason's "Turn the power off so I can lure them into the basement again" trick.

6.) Take two drinks and a shot for each time Jason's legs are seen throughout the film. Again, this one will kick your ass because Jason's legs are the only sign of Jason up until about ten minutes left of the movie. In the credits instead of saying 'who played Jason' it should be 'who played Jason's legs'. Jason is like a super ninja, he sneaks up on you like a fart in the wind, by the time you realize it - it's too late, you're fucked.