Four state minimum
Current mood: amused

Now I know why I try to keep as many states in between where I live and where my Mom lives. I love her to death, don't get me wrong but here is the typical scenerio everytime I come here for "VACATION".

Anyone ever hear of the Honey Do List? I am sure most of you have. My mother usually has one that can fill an entire note book full of odd jobs. These jobs are usually little projects that she has started herself and then moved onto another task leaving you to try and figure out where she left off and where you should begin. It is borderline nightmarish and chaotic.

Since joining the military 12 years ago I am not subject to this misery on an almost monthly basis as my oldest brother who lives a couple of hours away. Poor guy is at his wits end. I on the otherhand, subject myself to this torture every couple of years. Lucky me!

DUECES!  

7:21 AM - 9 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Where did they go?
Current mood: curious

Has anyone else noticed something missing these days? They use to be your salvation if you needed them and they gave you a since of gratefulness if you pitched in to help. I'm talking about the little green trays that use to be at any gas station, liqour store or grocerey store. The need a penny take a penny, got a penny give a penny trays. Have they been replaced by the fight against all world ailments jars? Do any penny trays exist at all anymore? Am I not looking in the right spot for them?

Many times I needed 3 pennies to complete my transactions and have often pondered telling my son to try and stick his tiny hands through that slot and fish out a few cents for the ol man so that I didn't have to break another dollar bill. Hell, the lady saw me put in 97 cents in that jar last week. I should get some credit for that right?

Funniest thing I have seen in one of those jars was at McDonalds. Someone had stuffed a wrapped condom in there. What was the message that the person who put it in there was trying to say? Here, i'll prevent hunger, don't have anymore kids. lol

Those folks who put those jars on the countertops are smart too. They glue the hell outta them things. If not, I wouldn't have to worry about my son getting his hand stuck in them and could easily shake out what I need.

Taco Bell put a nice spin on there's. It's a big jar filled with water and if you land your "quarter" on one of the disks then you can get a free taco or something. Fuck that! If I land my quarters on there, I want the money that's in the jar.

Another fun donation site is the big wok looking things at the mall. You know the ones i'm talking about? You send your coins down the ramp and then it spirals down until it falls through the hole, too small to fit my sons hand through.

I would like to start a study. Let's bring back the penny tray and set it next to the donation jar. How many of you think that people will actually sort through the change they get and put the silver in the donation jar and the copper in the tray? From now on, I'm keeping all my change and if the schmuck in front of me in line needs some coin, i'll dig in my pocket and hook him up. He can keep the bonus pocket lint.

DUECES!

9:31 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

6 things about me you may not know or really want to know. (tagged)
Current mood: embarrassed

My sole purpose of blogging about various shit was to let you folks get to know me by how I viewed different things in life and then let you form your own opinion of me based on my personality all without getting to intimate. But, seeing how I was tagged, I'll play your silly little Riendeer Games.

1. I have a bad habit of chewing my finger nails. This is gross because I am kind of a germaphob. So yes, sometimes, I gross myself out.

2. I have a wierd chest hair pattern. It is clumped at the top of my chest, then a happy trail runs between my pecs. To top it off, my nipples are surrounded by an insane amount of hair. It's not quiet Austan Powers but it's in the same ball park. I would shave it but the wife likes it so it stays.

3. I prefer to sleep in the nude. Enough said.

4. I love to speed on the highway but I hate people who drive faster than me.

5. Tags on the back of peoples shirts that stick out are a pet peeve of mine. Don't you feel it tickling the back of your neck. Here, let me get that for you.

6. The big toe on my right foot is infested with fungi.

LOL! Becareful of the questions you ask, you may not like the answers you get. You can't go through life being ensecure about your flaws. I wish people didn't take themselves so serious all the time, learn to laugh at yourself and at the end of the day, you are the better person.

Dueces!!

5:26 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

CJ's Wife
Category: Romance and Relationships

I take CJ to Sports Clips to get his haircut every couple of weeks. Lately, the same lady has been cutting his hair and he has developed a little crush on her. We will get back to that.....

.... a few months ago, CJ was pestering his mommy. He was trying to snuggle with her boobies. I explained to him that he was not to touch his mommy that way and that he would have to wait until he is big like daddy to get a wife then he could play with her boobies. Since then, that comes back to haunt me about once a week.

.... back to today. He gets his hair cut and he is flirting and charming the young lady cutting his hair. He loves her because she laughs at his silliness and says nice things to him. She loves cutting his hair because he sits still while he talks with her and gives her compliments.

I pay for the haircut and we say goodbye to her and walk out the door. We are almost to the car when he turns to me and says "Daddy, I like that girl. I want her to be my wife so I can play with her boobies!" Hearing him say this at that time was hilarious.

This goes to prove that he is a Charles Edward Criswell. He truely deserves the title.

What a kid!!

11:59 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Snake Food
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Pets and Animals

I have a Ball Python as a pet. His name is Zeus. I got him when he was only about a foot long, now he is over two feet long.

 He started out eating tiny frozen mice that I had to thaw out, then warm up right before I feed them to the snake. Pretty boring event if you ask me. Plus, the wife didn't enjoy the fact that I was storing frozen mice in a tupperware bowl in the freezer filled with dead mice.

Then we graduated to the same small mice but only they were alive now. I had an extra cage that was previously used to murder three sand crabs and a hamster. Any uneaten mice would used this as a fatting up area and I located it only two feet from where the snake lives. This has to be like living on death row and being able to see the door to the Gas Chamber down the hall.

 The snake was growing fast and could stand to eat one of these small mice every 4 days. For some reason, this started to get a little boring as well. Not to mention the attachment I had to the little mice waiting for thier death. Ever notice how hard it is not to assign a name to an animal living in your house. 

Well, today we are graduating into the small rat catagory. I have purchased a rodent for $5 to feed to this snake. It should be exciting to watch the snake eat this huge thing, I thought as I was buying the rat. The guy who was putting it into the container asked me if it was the snakes first time eating a rat. I said yeah but he's been eating small mice for the past 4-5 months. He tells that because rats are more defensive than mice (meaning they will put up a fight when faced with death) and that I should stun the rat. STUN the rat? What the fuck do you mean? How the hell do I do that?

 He explains to me that I should hold the rat upside by his tail then swing it towards the side of the snakes cage, causing it to hit its head and temporarily leaving the rodent knocked-da-fuck-out. Allowing the snake to easily finish the killing. I responded to the guy, Duuuuude! There is no way im going to physically swing this rat into the side of my tank, its glass, what if I break it. I'll be left with a stunned rat in my hand that will more than likely wake up pissed and a snake wondering around the house. FUCK THAT!! So now I'm left thinking of a way to give this rat a Stone Cold Stunner without, A. breaking anything and 2. pissing off the rat and getting bitten or C. BOTH. I think I will use a long spoon, like an ice tea spoon, to whack it on the head with. I may also put it in one of those rodent balls and let my son roll it down the stairs a few times.

I will reply to this in a few hours when I have gathered enough testicular fortitude to go through with it.

GULP!!

3:04 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fetch!
Current mood: creative

I think my dog and I just set a record? Now, I don't know if there is an actual record number of times a dog has brought back a ball to its owner while playing fetch in the Guiness Book of World Records but I think we could make a run for it. We just hit around 60, give or take a few.

We normally play fetch in the house. She is a little dog, apporxiamtely 14 pounds, and we play with a little tennis ball. We will play this game until the ball either becomes obscenely discusting from her drool, she gets thirsty and tired or I decide to flip through the channels, which sometimes I can do both.

I think I will do some research for the record. If there is one, and it is not an insane number we may go fot it. If it is an insane number, then we will add some flare to the record. I will sit on the toilet and throw the ball for her while I am eliminating. I'll bet that record has not been recorded.

Wish us luck!!

7:23 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Flat Tire Hunger Plight
Current mood: busy
Category: Automotive

After working out this morning I pulled into the parking lot of the gym to go in and shower and I recieve the following phone call from my son (5 years old).

ME: Hello?

CJ: Daddy!

ME: Hi son. What's up?

CJ: Mommy has a flat tire and we are starving!!

ME: WHAT?!

CJ: Yeah, mommy's car got a flat tire and we didn't get to go to IHOP.

ME: That's too bad son. Put mommy on the phone.

Jaime: Hi Hon.

ME: What happened?

Jaime: We were on our way to IHOP for breakfast and I noticed the back tire was flat. Can you come and put the spare on and take CJ to school?

ME: PSSSTTTT!!??!!??!! Sure. I was about to shower before I went to work but I will just shower at home. See you in a bit.

Normally after work out days we are to be back at work at 0900. I usually get back to the shop around 0830. Today I finally made it to work at 1000. How am I going to cram 8 hours of work into 5 hours? It's impossible.

I knew, as soon as I heard "Mommy has a flat tire and we are starving", some work would be brought home.

Work is done, here is my blog. Good Night! 

11:06 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

B-DAY coming up :(
Current mood: anxious

It's hard to believe that I'll be turning another year older soon. I wonder what type of expectations I should set for myself this year.

See, I don't beleive in the Jan 1st new years resolutions, I lke to save those for the b-day. Last year I resolved to be a better parent. So far so good. It helped that I didn't deploy this year. That goal was easily accomplished.

Honestly, I think we should set small, more achievable goals for ourself. Like for example:

1. Stop chewing your finger nails.

2. Lose a few pounds each month.

3. Read a novel.

4. I could go on and on and on and on.

The truth is people, be true to yourselves no matter what other opinions about you may be.

Let it out!! Don't hold back!!

The older you get, the less of a chance you may get to do something that you may want to do.

Here are some of the things I may want to do this new year. They are not in order of priority:

1. Play tackle football

2. Go out with friends more often

3. improve relationship with daughter.

4. earn a promotion.

5. get ripped and put on muscle.

6. Buy new clothes/suit

7. see my father.

Once again, I could go on and on and on and on but I will spare you all. We all have big goals that we set for ourselves but we aren't willing to reach the small goals or take the right steps to accomplish those goals.

I AM GOING TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT THIS YEAR!!

im out!

11:37 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Forum visitors...
Current mood: tired

What section in the forums do you visit the most?

I am in either the comedian section or health and fitness, exercise section.

Just curious

7:47 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Bad hair day...
Current mood: accomplished

...not possible right? That's what I thought. I usually shave my head about every third day. It had been a crazy week so far and I have been rushed in the mornings so I haven't had time to shave.

Today, I had to give a presentation to the Commander and First Sergeant and I wanted to look clean and presentable. Because it had been almost 8 days since I had last shaved my head, there was some pretty good growth. I shave my head run my hands over it to check to make sure I got it all, feels good so I continue on with my morning routines, get dressed, wake up kid, feed kid, get kid dressed and then we bolt.

As soon as I get to work, I go over my presentation one more time to make sure nothing was missed. My meeting is @ 0900. People are coming in and out of the office all morning, I talk and converse with each of them a little and then before I know it it's time to go. I get to the Commanders office 15 minutes early and I am sitting on her plush leather couch looking over my paper's. I look up for a bit to think and I rub my head. This is when the panic kicks in. I felt a small patch of hair on the back of my head that i some how missed when doing a check at the sink at home. I'm think to myself, how am I going to keep the commander and First Sergeant from noticing this patch on the back of my head.

I get a little lucky at first, (they are both female) so of course I let them enter her office first and wait to see where they are going to sit so I can position myself to where they won't see the back of my head.

The meeting goes for about an hour and things went well.

As the meeting ends we all stand up, I shake their hands and then the panic kicks in again. How am I going to leave the room without turning around and revealing to them the back of head?

I engaged with more conversation with them!! They are now trying to excuse me out of the office my starting to walk out themselves. This is perfect!! I rotate my self around to the interior of the office, allowing them to exit first as we talk.

As soon as we got into the secretary's office I once again rotated them both as we continued to talk and had my back to the exit. They retreated back into the commanders office and I was out of there. I went back to work and grabbed my electric razor that I keep at work for emergencies and removed the patch of hair. Dodged a huge bullet there!!! Phew!!

5:57 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment