The Very First MaMaHHaz Day, Everah!!
Current mood: chipper

Read All Bout It!! The Mamah Who Really Started Mother's Day :>)

Your Momahz Day: One day, a very, verriez looooong time ago...

even longer than that cause it b in the beginning:

This one mama was sick n tired of everybody and was getting no respect

This waz wayyyy back, after the crush your head with a rock era but long b4 the use of lubricants, dishwashers or even plastic eating utensils. The idea of a year, a birthday or a burger to go remained in the unconscious.

One day, a strong willed mama,  thought maybe grain was stored in a box underneath the now thawed tundra, could be pried open. She was pounding what she called a nail into the box for leverage to spring the top and instead actually broke the first nail ever.

Snapped she didand started screaming to all her chillin

Every damn one of uz get over here now and her 24 children (normal 4 most families in those days) quickly gathered together.

Im ur Momah, u got that. Im YOUR Momaaaahhh and Ive had it with this cave life, frozen cornmeal, peas with no black eyes and all of u! I just broke ah freeekken nail 2. So yur Momah

aint doin nothing more today for nobody and make ur own damn food and plenty 4 me. Whether

ur father gets any or not, I dont give a seeet no mo 2day. Now u got this! Is any of u confused by what ah just spoken? The chillin went hush, like sleepin puppies.

Im Your Mamaaah and this momah best be left alone the rest of today or none of uz ever gonna see daylight again, including your pets u never clean up after!  Got lots of very big pets round herith!

Say one more word 2me today and I swear Ill chain each of u to the ol cave we left last year and leave u there till u look like white people just b4 u die!

Whatever u make to eat later best be good or Im just gonna leave all your asses behind, yaaaah,

Im gonna leave ur sorry asses behind and just follow the sun goddess and c if I can find that land been rumored where there be nothing but magaritaahz and hammocks to sleeps in.

Now DO YOU HEAR ME! Im YOUR MOMAH and I aint doin nothing more today for nobody

and she stommpededed off, yelling, I broke a mother fuckin nail, took 5 moons to make and a deafening silence waz left in this quivering wake ahz Momma walked away like a person on

cocaine doing a military march, arms ah swinging straight forward and back, fists poundin away at the air, butt yanking right to left, so not even a mosquito had time to strike. Yes, off toward the poppy field she went, a distance indeed, a place only a few folks had ever been.

Then a neighbor boy, sittin high in the rocks above, yelled, I guess itz YOUR MOMAHS DAY and started laughin so hard he was snorting and then almost choked to death, rollin backwards, out of site, never 2b seen again.

Little Clovis, always the smartest of the chillin, started thinking if MOMAHS gets one DAY like this, maybe she would 2 when she has chillin, so she convinced the other 23 to start cleaning up

everything including the largest pets with the bIg pooped and even dustin off stuff and then suggested this great dinner menu to everyone that thed be preparing and the rest be whatever happened nextsome call that history.

When momahz returned in the dusk of sundown for what would b the first Momamahs day night dinner, she splained if u chillin did prepare anything fer your father, give it to the pigs, cause I

found yer daddy in those poppy fields trading fig leaves with that biatch hore Shugatitshitious and I drown um both in the pond.

That was the reason there waz no YOUR DADAHS DAY till centuries later and twaz the beginning of a concept called temporary insanity, both stories for another time, perhaps.

BearMystic: Mothers Day Orig 5-09-4 revised 5-15 06

8:53 AM - 124 Comments - 75 Kudos - Add Comment

My friend Joe...
Current mood: chipper

One day, my friend Joe tells me (BearMystic) about his sore elbow:

 "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," I (BearMystic) reply.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

3:39 PM - 38 Comments - 66 Kudos - Add Comment

My vocabularly test just for you! :))

 BearMystic's Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:
1)  What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same
       as intercourse?
 
2)  What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
 
3)  What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
    long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that  
    they often blow it?
 
4)  What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?
 
5)  Name five words that are each four letters long, end in
     " u-n-t " one of which is a word for a woman?
 
6)  What does a dog do that you can step into?
 
7)  What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with " k", and
    if you can't get one you can use your hands?
 
8)  What is hard, six i nches long, has two nuts,
    and can make a girl fat?
 
9)  What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the
    bottom of birdcages?
 
10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men
    than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives   
    it to his wife after they're married?

If you get 2 or more correct, you are doing great!  Tell us your score... LOL! ...

Answers below...





















ANSWERS:
   1.    (talk)   
   2.    (legs)
   3.    (a twenty dollar bill)
   4.    (firetruck)
   5.    (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
   6.    (pants)
   7.    (fork)
   8.    (Almond Joy candy bar)
   9.    (grit)
   10.   (last name)

7:39 PM - 56 Comments - 45 Kudos - Add Comment

If Myspace were real life!

19 year old boys wouldnt own shirts, and 19 year old girls would not own pants.

If you're fat, people would only see you from the shoulders up

Your attraction to someone would be based on their favorite clothing label, their favorite band, and a survey

All females are bi and all men drive import muscle cars

Your drivers license would have hearts around your name.

The phrase Yo, your hawt, hit me back some time" would attract the opposite sex.

You would look your very best at all times.

Everyone would make $100,000 a year or higher.

There would be a lot of youthful looking 99 year olds.

Blogs would be required reading and any random thought in your head would be shared with everyone

Everywhere you would walk, an image of Angelina Jolie would be behind you.

youd suddenly have a friend named Tom telling you things constantly.

It wouldnt be odd to have Brad Pitt in your circle of friends.

Hello Kitty would be a real person.

Converstaions would sound like this "How are you?" Sent. "Good how are you?" Replied.

During a long conversation youd have to say "Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: all right, well call me later"

Tila Tequila would be at your dinner table.

When it was time for bed you would say you're "Undergoing Maintenance"

You would have to paint your walls using Thomas Myspace Editor codes in your apartment.

Stewie from Family Guy would be your best friend.

In your circle of friends you would hang out with scottsdale bars and clothing lines.

You would struggle over the time it takes someone you like to crack your top 8.

When you want to tell your friend good news, youd say "New Message!"

When someone says something funny, youd say "L O L"

Every couple of days you would threaten all your friends to take their information out of your cell phone and delete them, since they haven't called you in, like, four days.

1:06 PM - 36 Comments - 60 Kudos - Add Comment

Mindprints...a poem from an o'l wooden swing...

Original Poetry by BearMystic

Mindprints

An old wooden swing

-secure-

by long thick braids,

hangs

amongst

a forest of oaks,

awaiting us

as in months past.

Slowly

raising

ourselves

onto the faded timber seat,

I grasp both ropes,

enabling

her

to drape each arm

 affectionately around

my neck,

-squeezing-

tenderly

side to side.

Morning streams of light…

graciously interacting

with last nights leftover fog,

sprinkling

delicate…

outlining

her

waist,

thigh,

petite shoulder

and

playful, rich, auburn locks.

Her look…

soft,

tender…adoring…

seems

to caress my lips,

gently moving

to the tip of my nose,

along its ridge,

brow

then

around…about,

temple to chin,

chin to temple.

Nimble whiffs of air,

flirting

with her shear silk peignoir,

distracts

me

momentarily.

Rejoining,

I

realize

her

intention

has strengthened,

-beaming serious-

translucent, baby browns

entering mine,

intently

moving

to the backside

of my sight….

resting….

then, slipping past,

pressing

into

 my

 thoughts,

instinctively,

 a smile

glinting back.

Could

I

dissuade

such deep inquisition?

Ignoring the involuntary, masculine shield

she quickly juts further,

dropping in,

it seems,

no,

I’m sure of it now…

to my soul…

nestling

in front of

the cubbyhole

called

truth.

She waits…

watching.

I’m helpless,

the view

unobstructed,

studying

the essence

of my love mosaic.

Does this unveiled abstraction

express

itself

differently

than the last time?

If so,

how does

it compare?

What she sees now

to what

she saw last?

Did I have something

to hide

today?

Could my

attachment…

devotion…

be seen

clearly

or would

I

seem

unworthy

to

receive

her

unbounded

intrusion?

Unnerved,

unbearably vulnerable,

words ignored!

How is such a naked exposure interpreted?

As the feeling

seems to me,

or

colored,

in some other way,

by

a

different

lens.

She

blinks,

a snapshot

of my

most

intimate

delicate

fabric.

A

- mindprint -

genuine

of

the

conviction

and

fervor

towards

her.

She glances away…

then back,

smile briming,

cheeks

flushed

pink,

a rich blushing.

I

sense

our

harmony…balance…

vibrantly

dilating

my senses.

She is happy…

pleased,

by a canvass of love

 still drying.

She’s knowing

of

my

love

for

her.

Our

inside legs

move

upwards

and against each other.

We

are

as one

in the forest silence.

6:31 PM - 37 Comments - 56 Kudos - Add Comment

Endless Birthday Parties

Orinal Poetry by BearMystic

Endless Birthday Parties

The

time

we have spent together…

seems

like a string

of endless birthday parties…

tied,

in concert,

by  a rainbow

of satiny, ribbon luster… attempting to keep

the gifts

we have opened,

but yet to share…

in some sort

of order,

for when we reawaken.

No

matter how

we toss…

and turn..

during nocturnal respites,

our party hats refuse

 to be knocked askew.

Each

time

our fingertips stir anew…

to

touch

this skyline of gifts…

it

seems

they are slightly rearranged,

the open ones…

the ones yet open

and

those

never noticed before.

Yes, rearranged slightly,

to image

the fresh dreams

we

 have

just

unsnuggled from.

7:45 PM - 14 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

Basics to marketing....

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. 
 
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.  People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
 
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

2:58 PM - 13 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Anger Management! The only way to go!!
Current mood: cheerful

Anger Management!  The only way to go!!

This is a secret so don't tell no one, K: