We’re ok
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life

We got half moved two weeks ago. Got some big stuff to Havasu. Was going to go back down to Barstow right away but was pretty exhausted.  Slept for about three days straight and basically spent my time taking it easy because I knew I'd have to go back.

Got a call lsat Tuesday from a neighbor who said my slider was open... got Lisa and her Mom to go down to the 'Stow with me on Friday and lo and behold my house had been broken into.  They made out like ... well, bandits.  They got my computer,  the laptop (which was supposed to go in the car with us orginally but got missed behind some boxes.), latter, chainsaw and a bunch of other things... even the three bags of cans I had to recycle and some bug spray... practical burglers, how nice. 

Worst were the tools. lots of money in that for one but they also got the toolbox my dad gave me when I was 16. He painted it and the socket wrench set inside the same color as the '66 Mustang I was driving at the time.

People suck. 

The next door neighbor saw two trucks (three times).  They even backed up to the kitchen.  All in broad daylight. 

So I had planned on staying in the 'Stow off and on till the house was figured out but now I kind of don't want to be there alone.  The sooner I'm out of there the better. It's been a string of lessons I would have rather not have learned.  It seems like a black hole to me at this point.  Too much negativity there.

Havasu is nice.  Air conditioning is nice.  Last night I ate diner at a place with a giant statue of a chicken wearing a top hat out front.  It was 2.5 times the size of the bull statue. There was a horse sculpture too, fortunately no horse steaks were listed on the menu.  It was cute tho... typical for a steak house I suppose (except for the top hat) but a hitching post out front and  wagons in the parking lot.

Anywho... I'm alive and well and will be back down soon. 

8:13 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Onion

..
Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

6:17 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mickey Moose Feb 28, 1998 - April 28, 2008
Current mood: No words for this
Category: No words for this Life

When I first saw him it was to return the carrier I had borrowed from the breeder to take Scott home in.  As I was leaving he was apart from the swarm of dogs at the gate.  Sitting in the back staring me down saying, "Hey, you're forgetting me". 

I went home but drove all the way back to Northern San Bernardino the next day and brought him home.  The breeder tried to talk me out of taking him.  I'm not exactly sure why she didn't want me to take him, maybe because he wasn't "perfect", he didn't have the classic Scottie lines, he was too long and his fur was smooth. Maybe it was because he had been a bit sickley.  Long story short I couldn't be talked out of taking him home  I think Mick picked me and there was no way I was leaving him there.

I want to remember everything.  I want to remember all of the little details of his personality and his little quirks.  In the last few years his fur started greying.  He had a white moustache and behind his ears he had little white patches that looked like he had been touched by a paint brush.

He had lost a lot of weight at the end.  The joke with him was that he would eat anything.  We actually caught him eating a paint chip once.  Krys dubbed him the "Watermellon with Legs".  He was my Big Boy and Scott was (is) my Little Man.

Mick loved to have his chest and chin scratched.  He would sit forever and let you pet him that way.  He would sit up grab your hand or foot and wait for you to start scratching. He push into you to make you scratch harder.  And if you were sitting on the couch with a foot over the side (up in the air not on the ground) he would walk up and sitdown in front of your foot and press against it and look at you like you should get to work.  One time I was on the ground doing some exercises and he sat down at my left foot and I rubbed his chest.  When I stopped he got up and sat down at my right foot and continued around to each of my hands till I had petted him with each apendage.  Silly doggie. 

He also use to rub his chin and chest on the ground to scratch himself.  When I first moved to Barstow he actually rubbed his chin down the hallway and back again.  No small feat.

These boys have been through so much with me.  They kept me anchored here when little else did.  When I would cry Scott would come up and poke at me and be a clown and  try to make me smile.  Mick would lay a respectful distance away and watch me with concerned eyes.  Always so much more serious.  And kind of a thinker.  When I brought something new in the house he liked to sniff it and was curious about everything.  Always watching in a careful way.

He had beautiful brown eyes that looked at you so soulfully.  He has always been more independant than Scott.  But when we lived in Chino Mick would a lot of the time sleep ON my feet and Scott would rest his chin on my leg or lay across my shoulders when I was on the couch.

Mick could wake me up from a sound sleep when he wanted me to, just by staring me down.  He could be very intense in the way he looked at you. We seemed to have a special "psychic" bond.  Once on the way towork at ADP in Orange County, I was driving along and kept thinking I needed to go home.  It was like a screaming in my head that I needed to turn around.  I finally gave in and when I got home Mick was sitting on the floor tangled in a torn blanked, not able to move, he couldn't walk or lay down.

There are a million things and more that I want to remember.  The way he ate and the way he drank his water in a certin rhythm ( I usually always knew who was eating or drinking- or barking for that matter).  When he was excited and barked his front feet would come off the ground (Lisa threatened to tape his feet to the floor) and he would bounce backward if you were coming toward him.  Mick had the best smile.

I miss my Mickey Moose.  I feel calm now that it's over.  Things still upset me but I know in my heart it was the right thing to do for him.  He had cancer all throughout his lungs (Krys and I both warned him that smoking would do that- actually the cancer was all on the outside but all over them)  and he had stones and his pancrius had gone bad.  I am just glad that he didn't really suffer a lot of pain.  I stayed with him when the vet game him the shots and talked to him and held him.  And I'm pretty sure I know the moment he left.

When Lisa and I got home I showed the other two dogs his collar and they sniffed at it a few times.  They seemed ok till bedtime.  Mick slept on the floor next to me at night the last few weeks and I had gone to bed early last night and was asleep.  Sadie came in and jumped on the bed and got her baby (a stuffed doll) jumped down and put it on Mick's bed.  She left it there and got back on our bed and then wouldn't let Scott near Mick's bed.  She never lets another dog have her baby but by putting it on Mick's bed it was like she was giving it to him so I took some comfort in that.

From the one floppy ear to the the bend of his crooked tail I loved everything about my Mickey Bear.  Writing this and remembering makes me think of more things about him.  I am so grateful to have had him in my life.

9:16 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Mick
Current mood: devistated
Category: devistated Life

Going to leave in a few mins.  He has a bladder infection, pancritius, stones, and cancer.

2:48 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mick Update
Current mood: Manic
Category: Manic Life

Just a quick update... Mick is in the vet hospital.  Last year in May when I took him in he weighed 46.6 lbs and was having trouble peeing, but the tests said nothing was wrong.  When I took him in the Friday before last he weighed 33.3lbs and wasn't eating unless we "spiked" his food  with broth.  He's been steadily going down hill, sleeping way more than he usually would and not being very playful or active and he's been sleeping in the bedroom away from us during the day.  We also found that he had blood in his urine.

Saturday night he stopped eating even though I gave him wet food and he's been shakey and stuff.  Last night Lisa and I were up most of the night with him and we took him in first thing this morning.  They are running tests and we'll know more later today.  He weighed 30 lbs.

I really mean to reach out and call people and be more out there like I use to.  I think about Dan and Michelle and Krys and people every day (Kevin, Kelli, John, Austin, Tim and so on) but with all the stuff going on with the house and Mick and being sick I just feel like I have nothing good to share.  And what's left of me is kind of so blah right now.

Things for me emotionally have been getting better tho.  I am doing more because I have had help from Mom.  She came and helped clean up the house and we got the boxes out of here.  So it looks like a normal (whatever that is) house and you can sit on the couch and watch tv.  So that took away a lot of my metal clutter which in turn has helped me deal with Mick and the house, no insurance and the impending move.

There's a lot of shit going on and I'm working throught it.  I hope you'll all be patient with me.  Anyway... thought for the day:  I was in the thrift store with Mom the other day (when I went to my dr appt I went and visited her)  Anyway, two games struck me as ... um... unusual.  First one made me giggle, the name of the game was "Probe"... all I could think about were aliens and .. well, you get the idea.  The second game was called "Uncle Wiggly" not kidding.... kind of creeped me out and made me laugh at the same time. 

More later

12:31 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Elements
Current mood: ashamed

Elements

Not feeling grounded

Rain on my face

Wind blowing everything away

Fire slowly fades

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So more from the "when it rains it pours" department:

Probably going to be moving this summer to Lake Havasu (not necessarily a bad thing)

Probably going to lose my house

My computer won’t stay on long enough for me to even surf the web... I’m on Lisa’s now.

More kicking myself in the ass for everything. 

But I’m trying... it’s just hard.  It’s all just really hard right now.

2:09 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Country Song
Current mood: purged
Category: purged Life

So my life has gotten so bad finally that it sounds a lot like a country song.  It's like so much is going wrong and at once.. well not really, when I think about it it's been coming on for a long time.  Things got hectic with the water pipes and stuff last year and Lisa's health but they sort of evened off.  There was still bad news but it was one thing at a time and emotionally managable. 

But while life was gathering a laundry list of things to be sucky I have slowly gotten to the point where I can't hide the fact (from myself- because my Mom has been on to me for months now) that I have gotten deeper and deeper into depression.  You who know me well know that I have been in counciling and on medication for depression in the past.  A few years ago when I first got sick I was in therapy which helped me a great deal but then insurance issues made it impossible to continue seeking therapy.  I was doing ok, hadn't been on meds and so on.

Last year I went to see some friends of mine and told them I could see that I was getting depressed but that I was fighting it and doing ok.  But awareness doesn't change much it seems and with all of the issues going on and my clamming up about stuff, I am only getting worse.

So this is an attempt to "come clean" about all of the things eating at me.  A bit of self therapy.  Usually I make something like this private, I write it to myself and tuck it away but this is all affecting my friends, not just me and I feel like I need to share for it to be truely useful.

Friends:  I haven't been calling them and I think most have given up on me because I haven't gotten calls from them.  Not that anyone hates anyone, just probably a general slipping away.  I live really far now, I have a lot of trouble keeping in contact because of my depression and inclination to hide because I don't want to be a drag or weigh people down.  So it's probably taken as apathy when I'm thinking about people every day.

I missed the wedding of two people who mean the world to me.  I'll never forgive myself for that.  I miss dates and times because I have no organizational abilities at all anymore.  That is the hardest thing.  I can't keeps days straight, times straight.  I use to pride myself on being punctual and being together.  It's like that person doesn't even exist anymore.

Disability:  it's been five years of waiting and court and waiting and now I think I've dropped the ball.  I can't sort out what to do.  Five years in limbo and still nothing as my health continues to get worse. Last year right before thanksgiving I hurt my neck.  All I did was turn it and it was instant pain.  Lisa said I let out a yell that almost gave her an anxiety attack.  Every time I do something, be it fall or hurt something in some way I get just a little bit worse because I can't get out of it.  Ever since I hurt my neck I've had arm problems and my back is getting worse and worse.  And because of finances I can get any meds that help.

Finances:  blow.  Lisa took some time off of work because her diabetes was messing with her and now her work is dragging their feet about her disability check.  Her car is not working right (the ignition is messed up, otherwise it runs fine) but since she didn't get paid this last month she has no money to fix it.  She's been using my car but it's sounding weird and on top of that I still can't afford to smog it.  So even though I paid for my registration, it's not tagged yet.  And other little things.. can't do this or that because of money.

House:  Fridge is still broken.  Can't get hers up here because no one to move it and even if there was, no money for a truck rental.  After the last winds a portion of the roof blew off again.  And I went to vote and came back home and the tree in the front yard was split in half vertically with half of the tree still standing and half laying on the ground up rooted.

Mom has been saying for months that she feels like I've jsut "given up" and in a lot of ways I have.  I can't keep up with things.  I try but I don't have the energy or stamina to do the dishes and sweep and clean and do everything.  So I give up.  Mom has come up to try and help me get it together but she leaves and the wind blows and there is three inches of sand in the house on the tile (not kidding).  This last wind storm was so bad that when we opened the door to leave the dust that was piled up against the door fell onto the track and we couldn't get the door closed again.  So it's one step foward and two steps back. 

And the place I go to hide from my troubles, World of Warcraft: Things have even gotten weird online with WoW.  After I was off for for about two months things just got weird on one server and they seem to just be in a spiral downward.  People I genuinly care about seem different now.  So I started spending more time on another server when I feel like playing because I can't deal with whatever the fall out is on the other server that I can't fix, which makes it worse when I do go over so I spend less and less time, which makes things seem weird when I go back... and so on.  I ask and people tell me, "no things are fine"  that I'm imagining it but I just feel a vibe coming from some people. 

Something different but similar happened on a different server and it got to the point where we actually left that server to the point of transfering our characters off of the server.  And it's all just a bunch of drama bs... which is a lot like my life right now.  Though WoW doesn't matter a whole lot since my computer is being stupid and the graphic card is going out.  I'm actually writing this on Lisa's computer because mine is done working for me today apparently.  Yet another country motif.

So there it is.  I'm not proofing this, I'm just putting it out there.  This is what is going on, this is why I'm a shit.  I don't want to just complain how crappy my life is so people can reference it here and maybe I can talk about better things.  I don't mean to make anyone upset or hurt and I''m sorry that my inclination to hide from life is effecting my relationships.

/blahblahblahdone

Quote of the Day:

"People do the best they can with what they have"

-Oprah Winfrey

9:54 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Openness
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

The paper cover was falling off of me as I tried to "scoot all the way forward".  My doctor grabbed it so it didn't fall off entirely.  "Ahh, the indignities of the yearly physical", I said.  "Yeah really!" replied my doctor.  And thus began my visit.  We talked about all the usual things and when she left she said, "Nice to see you again"  was that a hint of irony I spotted in her smile?  Hmmm... well, we'll never know.

It seems as though my readership has grown recently... maybe because I am posting more and some people not on my friends list are worried they may miss something, but I tihnk there is more to it than that.  I believe the recent increase in traffic is due to the class reunion tomorrow.  I was found partially through MySpace so I know a few folks know about it now and some might be reading back and catching up.

Kind of freaking me out a bit, there are peopl who now know more about me than I do them.  I had thought about making my blogs private but then I thought what the hell, this is me, warts and all. 

Been helping Lisa get her class ready.  School starts on Monday.  I went Wednesday and Thursday and helped her unpacked and hung a few things.  There was a lot to do, even more so because this class hasn't existed before so she is starting from scratch.

Mom and Dad are doing well on their trip.  Mark is hanging in there and doing as best as he can considering the circumstances.  I've been talking to him a lot lately.

Did I mention that the reunion is tomorrow?  I was going to just sit outside and wave at people as they came and went but because of a "scholorship" program I was able to get a free ticket.  I was so excited when I heard the good news.  Not sure if Lisa will go, she isn't feeling well. 

Anyway, that's all I gots for now.

Quote of the Day:

To meet at all, one must open one's eyes to another; and there is no true conversation, no matter how many words are spoken, unless the eye, unveiled and listening open itself to the other.  --Jessamyn West

Currently listening : The Hits/The B-Sides By Prince Release date: 14 September, 1993

8:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Adendom
Current mood: groggy
Category: Life

In my last blog I said I don't care.  To clarify i should say that I have been through so much at this point and have learned so much about who I am and what people are like that I don't care what anyone thinks or says about me at this pint.  I try to be a good person.  I try to do what's right. And I try to just be me every moment and just live with that.

Anyway, not that my last post required me to say more, but it made me feel better.

8:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

DAL: 20 Years Ago
Current mood: restless
Category: Life

I have my 20 year high school reunion coming up this Saturday.  

Apparently I was lost.  Which is weird because my parents still live in the same house and they have the same telephone number as when I was in school.  Though I would guess if someone tried to call and got my dad the conversation would have been short and simple, "What? Huh? Who?  Who? (Dad's hard of hearing) No, she doesn't live here."  *Click*  My Dad isn't much for talking on the phone.

Thanks to my Mom giving my email address to a neighbor and to MySpace I've had a few people find me and get in contact with me and I have once again been found.  I guess a few people are actually looking for me on the class web site.  I signed up on the web site and then haven't been back.   I have mixed feelings about it I suppose.

When I first left school I didn't want to look back- ever.  I hated everyone and was extreemly bitter about my time in Don Lugo and even more so about Ramon Junior High.  I was depressed and suicidal every day I spent in Junior High and even though I had made a few friends and had some really good times I was still being teased and harassed on a daily basis.  (Blog on depression coming soon!)  Being over weight and shy is a bad thing to be at that age.  And if they thought I was heavy then, you should see me now, I am positively enormous!  And you know what?  I don't care.

Something about growing up I guess.  I was so angry then for all of the hurts I went through, but I hear people talk and most everyone felt like an outcast.  Like they didn't fit in or were different in some way.  And you know what?  When I think about it I was an asshole too.  I know I am every bit as guilty of making fun of people and being a stupid teenager too.  And I know that I did it for the same reasons that it was done to me, I wanted to fit in, I wanted to feel better because there was someone who was different or who I felt was less than me.  

It's 20 years later and I probably wouldn't know by sight or name the people who made my life hell, I can only hope that I will be just as lucky and people won't remember the bad things about me.  Getting old enough to forget the bitterness and anger yet young enough to appriciate the good times back then is a sort of blessing in a way.  It's an oppertunity to put away the past forever and conquor the demons of the past.  I can't afford to go there officially but hopefully I will be able to find a way to go to just hang out and catch a few old friends, and enimies on the way in.

Currently reading : Autobiography of a Yogi By Paramahansa Yogananda Release date: 01 June, 1979

8:08 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment