This is like learning that all my childhood idols were on steroids and plagiarized every idea they ever put forth. This is like learning that your parents have been lying to you all this time and that thing you call "the moon" is really "the sun" and vice versa. This is a cruel, cruel joke.
Up until about 30 seconds ago, when I read the headline, it was always a dream of mine to hang out with Clay, maybe play some hoops and watch a football game. And we'd go to Hooters and rank the waitresses by whom we'd most like to nail. And then we'd head out to my car, pop the hood and tinker with the engine while sucking down a cold one and talking about anything but our feelings. And maybe there would be a hetero bro-massage involved.
But now that dream is dashed.
Clay is gay? I can't wrap my head around it.
Now I have to take his posters off my wall. Now I have to remove the "Parking for Claymates Only" sign from my garage. Now I have to cover my lower back tattoo of him singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" on "American Idol."
Why, Clay, why?
Surely you had access to oceans of sweet, sweet lady meat. Based on your core demographic, you could have had your pick of any of my mom's friends. Some are even divorced. Think about it, Clay! Divorced chicks. (They always put out!)
But you turned your back on Vagina City for a one-way ticket to Cocksburg.
I am disappointed in you, Clay Aiken. And to think, I almost mailed you that invitation to the bros-only slumber party featuring other totally straight celebrities like Ryan Phillippe, Jake Gyllenhaal and the dude who played Carlton.
Chicago Public Schools have lost their minds. They're trying a program that pays kids for getting good grades. A straight-A student could earn $4,000.
Really?
Really?
What the hell is going on here? When I was a kid, I remember some of my friends would get money from their parents as incentive for good grades. Naturally, I thought this was a great idea. I floated it to my parents. They laughed in my face.
Though this is a difficult lesson to learn, some things are worth doing regardless of financial incentive. Nobody pays you to shower. You don't get $50 every time you exercise. There's no dollar amount assigned to those who read books.
We all work with people who suck at their jobs, and they ARE paid. Pay doesn't always act as an incentive. The best people in any field work to the top of their abilities, regardless of their paycheck. I mean, I'm a bleedin' genius and I get paid peanuts. (Not even real peanuts - those gross, orange, foamy circus peanuts.)
I bet you're wondering if I have a better plan to entice Chicago's students to earn high grades. I do. It's very simple.
We kill a child.
Now I know what you're thinking. Technically, it's wrong to kill a child. I agree with you. But Chicago's public school students are quite adept at killing themselves. Dozens of teens shoot each other every year. One more won't make that much of a difference.
We'll have a lottery. For every detention, you get a ball in the drum. For every class you fail, you get 5 balls. Joining a gang is worth 20 balls. Then, at the end of the year, we pick a ball out of the drum, and that child is encased in cement with only his head protruding. Then we drop him in the school courtyard. We assemble all the other kids and point to the kid encased in cement.
"This child is a failure," we'd say. "If any of you fail next year, this could be you!"
And by this point, crows would be pecking at the cement boy's face. And all the children would be ushered away as the human cinder block wails in terror.
That, my friends, would work. There is no greater motivator than fear.
What do you do if your man leaves you at home on the weekends? You ask Jason Piazza about it, then revel in his wisdom. Send your questions to AskJasonPiazza@gmail.com
Chicago has the highest sales tax in the nation - 10.25% It hurts.
In fact, Chicago businesses are getting so badly hammered, many are considering moving out to follow their fleeing customers to less hostile neighborhoods.
So you, the customer, have three apples. You give two to the shop keeper in exchange for a hat. The shop keeper gives one apple to the government. The government is hungry for more apples, but the shop keeper is sick of giving so many away. So the shop keeper wants to move. But the government doesn't want that. So the government will give its apple back to the shop keeper. But now the government is hungry again. So guess whose apple they'll go after next? You, in the hat.
What do I get for giving all my apples to the county government? Thousands of friends and relatives of elected officials with cushy government jobs starting at $80,000 a year, that's what. I want a receipt so I know exactly whose cousin is driving a Mercedes on my dime.
This is whack. Just living here, I expect the government to hold me upside down and shake me until all the loose change falls out of my pockets.
The city lies beneath sea level. That would be fine if it weren't located on the Gulf of Mexico. The city of New Orleans is the equivalent of parking your brand new, spotless Lamborghini on a construction site. You're just asking for trouble.
"But people live there!" you cry.
People also live in Baghdad. That doesn't make it a good idea. In fact, all the smart people get out of those places when bodies start piling up.
When Katrina came through, millions of idiots decided to ride out the storm instead of running from the hurricane bearing down on them. Granted, our government's response sucked, but the people who ignored the warnings are just as much to blame for their condition.
If I told you I was going to throw a pot of scalding water at the exact place where your face was, you'd be wise to move your face. That would prevent you from having your face peel off. Failure to move means you are dumb, and dumb people are prone to getting hurt.
Some people claim they "couldn't" leave. Really? Do you have the ability to remain stationary while a vehicle moves you? Then you can leave. Seems like most people left when this hurricane came through.
Why anybody would move back to New Orleans after Katrina is beyond me. What's so special about New Orleans? Zydeco music? Crawfish? Plastic beads and creepy feathered masks? Who cares? Move it 100 miles inland and call it Newer Orleans. Same diff.
I'd be all for rebuilding New Orleans if Mother Nature weren't so intent on flattening it. Yet here we go again, rebuilding tissue paper houses inside an active volcano. It's only a matter of time.
Jason Piazza is a phenomenal actor. Listen as he schools a fellow actor as though he were James Lipton. E-mail all your questions to AskJasonPiazza@gmail.com
Jericho is the pitcher of an undefeated little league baseball team. And his league has banned him from pitching.
Why? He's too good.
Seems Jericho can whip the ball at 40 mph (the adult equivalent of a million billion miles per hour).
Teams are scared to face him. When Jericho took the mound last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left.
This is garbage.
Childhood sports are supposed to build character and teach commitment. Most kids who play sports totally suck. I should know. I sucked at every sport I played for about a decade. But I showed up to practice, I played as hard as I could, I savored the rare victories and learned how to face defeat like a man. Longtime blog readers will remember my total ineptitude at football, but I'm still proud that I never missed a practice or a game, even though I never took the field in actual competition.
I cannot understate the number of times I got my butt handed to me on the field. I remember a soccer game where my team allowed 11 goals. Eleven! I never even sniffed a trophy. My greatest physical achievement was placing second in the Gull Road Elementary School Track and Field Day long jump. And I'm fine with that. I was not built to be an athlete.
But it seems Jericho was. And now he's banned for his skill. What's the lesson here? Don't be good at something? Feign mediocrity so the other kids will like you?
Here's the deal: If you're really great at something, secure people will admire you, insecure people will fear you. You can enjoy Mozart or you can be Salieri.
There is a serious problem going on in this country where everyone is awarded ribbons and trophies, the game of tag is outlawed on school playgrounds and children are being instilled with the idea that every last one of them is a superstar. It's all a lie. Most of us are totally average. We have our strengths and our weaknesses, but they all even out. Rarely, we find someone extraordinary. And how we treat them says more about ourselves than it does about their abilities.
"I feel sad," Jericho said. "I feel like it's all my fault nobody could play."
It's not your fault, Jericho. It's everyone else's.
Hey you! Before you download that new mp3, why don't you listen to what Jason Piazza has to say? E-mail all your moral dilemmas to AskJasonPiazza@gmail.com
Up until about 30 seconds ago, when I read the headline, it was always a dream of mine to hang out with Clay, maybe play some hoops and watch a football game. And we'd go to Hooters and rank the waitresses by whom we'd most like to nail. And then we'd head out to my car, pop the hood and tinker with the engine while sucking down a cold one and talking about anything but our feelings. And maybe there would be a hetero bro-massage involved.
