Home Shopping Nutwork
Current mood: cynical

I finally understand old people who shop on HSN or QVC all night;
as well as those who shop online like crack addicts.

I always thought that they were insane.
Victims of mass marketing campaigns which were aimed at the wallets of retirees.

Now I understand that this behavior isn't a symptom of insanity.
Shopping is the only way left for them to reach out and actually effect something.

They get to make a choice, they get to push buttons; maybe they get to actually talk to someone.

Then they get to  have a little Mini-Christmas when the purchase arrives delivered by a shorts clad Santa who rides not a sleigh but a big brown truck.




I keep buying things because I like getting packages.



I got one today.


Pathetic but it works for me!

Currently listening : Dorothy's Victory By Bel Canto Release date: 2003-02-11

9:00 PM - 1 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

To be Clear
Current mood: evil

To be clear. ...............


I am always posting about my valiant struggle with my damaged lungs. By the time the entry gets posted it has been edited to leave only the most positive aspect of this challenge and the effect that the challenge has on me.

I hate this.

I hate every God Damned moment and every painful breath and every wrecked wracked steroid destroyed body part.

I hate being unable.

I hate feeling useless and vulnerable.

I hate being a fucking looser. I am, I am loosing more often than I am winning. This is not histrionics folks, nor is i t a cry for all of you wonderful people to rally to my cause with sweet assurances. It is a fact. I am loosing.

I hate feeling irrelevant.

I hate needing help.

I hate this.


I hate every MOMENT with a pure and perfect hatred.



Just to be clear.

Currently listening : Birds of Passage By Bel Canto Release date: 1997-06-03

8:57 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos

I bore myself
Current mood: drained
Category: Life

How utterly vapid I have become.


I have managed to vacuum and scrub my floors, but now I am so exhausted and air-less that I don't have the wherewithal to set up and sew.

 
Why did I exert and extend myself to wash the fucking filthy floors?


So that I could set up and sew on clean floors.


This is just the way that it is now.


I am constantly setting myself up to fail.


I am not doing this to myself on purpose.


My intention is valid, but my estimation of my ability is faulty.


I need to accept that I should just lay about watching television and reading books, like a proper invalid.


Do you suppose that many people suicide due not to depression, but due, instead, to an utter lack of respect for ones diminishing self?


Now don't get all a dither. I am not suicidal. I just rather fancy taking myself out at this moment to alleviate this feeling of complete uselessness.



This will pass as it always has...........everyday for the last 2+ years.

3:20 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

LJ entry from August 15, 2008
Current mood: morose
Category: Life

I spent the morning feeling overwhelmed with a desire to weep. I woke made and drank coffee, I washed my face and by 5 am I had begun the finishing work on the gown that I have been designing/making all week. Every song that played on the radio had me nearly in tears. Some because of who and what they reminded me of some because I no longer have the air to bellow along. Mostly it was steroid withdrawal.  As the day wore on I swam deeper and deeper into the creative process, having to stop only to let my fingers and arms un-cramp.  My fingers cramp up so much from prednisone that I end up with claws that have to be shoved into scalding water to make them release. Finally I looked at the clock and realized that I was 3 hours from needing to ship this gown and about 7 hours from being ready to ship it. So a shower of self recriminations and self hatred and guilt  was followed by acceptance and a letter to the beautiful bride to be.

She has been so kind and compassionate. I am thankful for that.

It hurts to let people down.
I used to pride myself on being able to truthfully claim;
"I have never missed a deadline"

That too has been stripped from me by this foolishness with my breathing.

This is the gown that I am making for Acid Pop Tart.  Acid was going to wear this gown for the reception after her wedding. Sadly I was unable to complete it in time to ship it to her.
I will finish all of the detailing and trimming work this weekend and ship it off to Ohio. Oddly she lives not to far from Teri who is also waiting on a gown. 2 for 1!

This is hand dyed silk chiffon over hand dyed silk satin. I will give a complete technical detailing of the gown's construction over in my design LJ some time this next week. So go friend that LJ if you want to see the evolution of a gown!

Here are a few archive shots from about mid way through the stitching of this gown.



I understand that there may be a HUGE party on the Queen Mary next year.
This gown would make for a STUNNING Entrance there!

 

Smoke

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Pulling Back For a Second
Category: Life

I knew to expect the letter; getting and reading it was another thing altogether. The lawyers for the Worker's Comp. insurance company have sent their versions of my various visits to Doctors. They were very selective in what they included. Why it seems almost as if I have been faking this whole time. Maybe I will go run a marathon.........Yeah I knew it was coming but fucking Hell does it steam my prednisone agitated ass.


I am going to pull back from dress making...Rage and Chiffon do not Mix!


In other news........ This gown is coming on nicely!

Currently listening : Lost in Space By Aimee Mann Release date: 2002-08-27

2:47 AM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Mijn lichaam, Mon corps, Mio corpo, Mi cuerpo, My body
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

During these times when my life is filled with what seems to be constant change, it is important for me to remember that I need to be gentle with myself. This is a new concept for me. Since it can be easy to use all of my available air and energy to keep up with the momentum of my life, I find that I am often not aware of the fact that I am running myself down. When things seem to be moving quickly, it is especially essential that I make a point to slow down and be gentle with myself.

I barely notice what the condition of my body is because I get so caught up in the whirlwind of my projects that I lose sight of the direction that breathing is heading. Being gentle with myself doesn't mean that I can't accomplish things. Instead it means that I will honor myself on an ongoing basis and take care of the needs of my body, so that my body is able to do what I need it to. It is a very good deal!

This means different things to me at different times. For instance, it could mean doing a nebulizer treatment and taking a nap. It could mean taking more prednisone or taking a remedy, herbs, or vitamins; or getting extra sleep in the morning. Putting my energy into myself in this way helps me to create a space for a more positive, loving, and accepting view of my life and my body and more specifically of my lungs. By setting the intention to do so, I become more cognizant of my energy levels on a daily basis and more able to replenish them as needed.

It is a new experience having to be so fucking dainty with my body. I have always been so strong and vibrant even when struggling. Only the worst asthma in the past could bring me so low. Asthma attacks passed quickly and I recovered within days. The only exception being when I had no medicine. The lung injury has left me with what amounts to a 2 year long asthma attack.
I am learning new coping mechanisms. I am learning humility and for the first time I am learning to really honor and be aware of my body.

Should I be fortunate enough to pass through this challenge and emerge alive and not too badly damaged by the steroids; I will become one of the healthiest people alive!


Please take care of yourselves too! I look forward to many years of sharing our stories together!

Currently listening : Magnolia: Music from the Motion Picture By Aimee Mann Release date: 1999-12-07

2:46 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Smoke On the Water
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

Through all of the challenges and trying times it is the love for what I do that keeps me going and able to experience joy. I really do love what I do. Working with my fabrics while creating helps to ease the ache and disappointment of having to let go of and pass on so many opportunities; the most recent being pulling out of Convergence 14 due to poor breathing.


Creating causes me to remember that I also create the opportunities and will create more.

This gown is going to be fucking killer!

I am always so excited when I can "Cut Loose" and design from my gut. Designing one of a kind garments is waaaaaaaaaay different than designing a part of a collection or simply making a gown/dress/suit/shirt/pant in another fabric or color. When I am designing within the parameters of a collection I must edit myself to maintain the over all cohesiveness of the entire collection. I also have to concern myself with marketability and whether it is wearable for clients. Designing Gowns gives me a chance to reach past the disability of my lungs not working and to excel if only for a few hours.

I am very fortunate to have a calling that I adore.
I am even more fortunate to be able to dress people whose talent and work I adore.
From the 80's to the 08's I am one lucky Son of a Bitch!

Back to the Silks!

Here are a couple of small poorly lit and shot examples of the color play.

Smoke

Dark Smoke



Light Smoke and Venice Lace Yoke



The wonder of layers of different color chiffon with a dark under layer is that the gown really will change colors with movement and light play.
A. will look like a vision floating in a gown of smoke!

Currently listening : Magnolia: Music from the Motion Picture By Aimee Mann Release date: 1999-12-07

2:44 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Rolling in Sheets
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

Breathing hurts this morning.


well crap.


I was up and down last night.

Excitement about starting a new gown.

Worry about finances.

Worry about my parents who have had foreclosure papers served; it is just that bad up in Detroit.

A victim of racing thoughts.

Preoccupation with dieing and going over lists of things to get done. Who gets what, who gets cut and REMEMBER to  clean out and throw away all of the seedy porn (no parent should have to know what kind of smut gets there kid off)

3:30 am and I'm awake again shit.

Dogs barking at the clouds rolling in.

Wondering when the Workers Comp. situation will unravel.

Fantasizing about having enough money to buy dolphin lungs and moving to Hawaii, where I develop scuba garments (what a dork huh?)

Reminding myself that I had better not move wrong or end up ripping tender prednisone thinned skin.


5:12 am I had better get to sleep.

6:20 the smell of coffee drifting in and the barking of the  Evil Black Dog wakes me completely and finally.

Coffee laundry water boiling for pasta needing cooked for pasta salad lunch LJ read LJ enter laughing at self for paying to join a web porn site for "research" No seriously


Ok I have a gown to cut!

Currently listening : Lost in Space By Apollo 440 Release date: 2002-02-19

12:56 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Flip Flopping (cross posted from and LJ entry dated 8-10-08)
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

My schedule has flip flopped a bit. I am finding myself awake until 4 or 5 am and sleeping til 9 or 10 am. That is a waste of 4 perfectly good working hours on weekdays. I spent 3 hours last night in Google street view maps. I visited many of the cities and homes that I have experienced in my life. What a positively bizarre thing to spend hours doing. I think that it is the cooped-upness of my existence. I even hopped over to Japan and up to Alaska and cyber wandered the streets of places that I have never been.

I took myself outside wondering why on earth I had stayed up so late. As if in answer to my question a large yellow fiery shooting star blazed across the sky as if to say good night and good morning. I retired to my bed and slept soundly.

I woke to a bit of a bloody mess. It seems that I tore some steroid thinned skin on my tummy while I slept. This makes me happy for my garnet sheets.




Today is a rest and reflect day. I am going to build my energy to be enabled to launch into the week. I have about 72 hours to fabricate my gift of a gown to a dear friend, Acid PopTart for her wedding next weekend. The amazing Kambriel has designed her Wedding Gown and I have designed her Reception Gown. This woman has given so much to the Underground Art Community. She has opened doors to young designers, graphic artists and film makers. I can not imagine why she isn't drowning in wedding gifts. You Fashion Designer Bitches had better start kissing some Pop-Tart ass!



I am going to do something clean something wash something hurt something. That inner 'roid rage is beginning to boil up within me.........................



5 minutes later: For instance I just now almost smashed my fist through my monitor because my Media Player wouldn't load............o'boy

Currently listening : Ambient 2: The Plateaux of Mirror By Harold Budd & Brian Eno Release date: 2004-10-05

12:53 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

People dancing, people laughing A man selling ice cream
Current mood: angsty
Category: Life

A relatively quiet Saturday morning here in bensonland. It seems that I missed the fiasco of the spilled Chinese food and the black lab trying to climb into the refrigerator to get at it. The sounds of people mowing their grass, common elsewhere, are actually rare in the late summer in Austin. We've had just enough rain to coax the grass into a quick growth spurt. I am sipping my coffee trying to both amp and slow myself. The last 2 weeks on prednisone has been very hard. I find myself at the edge of dangerous rage constantly. I feel as if I am living my entire life in the moments before a fight or shouting match breaks out. It is the kind of feeling that causes me to want to slam and rend and tear and punch everything.  Shaving my head actually felt like a fight. Same emotional build up same cool down. This is crazy man. I have gained enough grace to keep my fist pulled back, my mouth shut and my jaw clenched. I am hoping that the inappropriate happiness phase comes back soon.


I designed or re-designed an entire gown yesterday. It felt good to set a goal and accomplish it (even while wanting to murder my assistant and sewing machine) I turned a Regency era empire waisted gown into an early 20th century gown inspired by Truly Scrumptious of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Dolly Levi of Hello Dolly. The muslin silhouette is unattractive but has a nice line.







It will need darts and a few tucks and nips if I can get it to the bride for a fitting before time runs against me.

This is a quick Photoshop mock up of how it might look adorned.



 I say might because I approach that aspect of gown making very organically. There is no sense in locking myself into a sketched idea. The gown and supplies at hand will lend themselves to the best adornment.

Today I think that I may just take a bus someplace. I can swallow an extra steroid or 4 and take plenty of nebulizer treatments with me. I feel rather like a caged animal ready to tear the arm off of the 1st person who sticks a hand in my cage. I think maybe some time on the river or at a quiet coffee house would do me wonders.



I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Currently listening : The Best of Blondie By Blondie Release date: 1990-10-25

6:12 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment