I’m Addicted to Intervention on A&E

Yes, I am addicted to A&E's Intervention...I guess I love watching people binge. Watching them spiral lower and lower, it makes me feel not only like I don't have a drinking problem, but that I am one of the chosen few who will enjoy alcohol into my old age. My favorite part is when they enter the Hotel room with Candi Finnegan and their family waiting to intervene. If you have Tivo you can play that moment in slow mo, and see it in their eyes, "Is this a surprise party for ME!!! Man I must be really fucked up...Today's my birthday?" and slowly it dawns on them, "Oh no, I gotta get the fuck outta here!"

Here is my problem with the show...you need more people at the actual intervention. I saw one the other day where it was the dude's mom and half brother. The whole time I'm watching waiting for him to say, "I don't even party with you guys anyway." Ten people, twenty people, a full room is an intervention...3 people in my opinion, is only an opinion.

Four years ago I was at a crossroads with my partying. I was getting my haircut by possibly one of the coolest guys in LA, a guy named Boyd who owns the salon LATHER. I was talking to him about how I maybe it was time I quit drinking. When he asked why, I told him that someone told me I should should quit. He said, "How many people have told you that?" When I asked why and he said, "Well, it's simple. If someone tells you you have a tail, fuck'em their crazy. If two people tell you you have a tail, fuck'em both they are teaming up on you. But if three people tell you you have a tail, turn around." Turns out I don't have a tail.

2:43 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

KIMBO vs. TYSON

I want it...someone make it happen.

11:20 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

DEAR OWEN,

Dear Owen,
Rumors are swirling about your attempted suicide and quite honestly all of that is entirely your buisness and not mine. I simply hope your doing well, and kind of hope that the rumors are untrue. Because if you find your life hopeless, then I need to seriously sit down, and reevaluate my life and the major "red flags" I have apparently been overlooking.

You are an amazing talent, you don't need to doubt yourself, we want you alive, and Tom Cruise doesn't need braces...

Get well soon
Bert

11:04 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

LINDESY LOHAN, the 3 stooges, and the Denali....

Talk about three chumps looking for a payday...I just watched the video/testimony of the dudes who got "car jacked" by the 100 pound actress on TMC.com....what fucking bitches they are. They are what is wrong with Hollywood...they were absolutely loving it thinking in their heads, "I'm gonna get famous from this!!!". No man let's an unarmed, famous woman, take him on a death ride without his consent. I'll tell you what, I'll take it this far: I would bet my left nut on it, that these are the first two black men EVER, to be car jacked by a white woman!!!!
I have a buddy named ********, he lives in Tampa...if some drunk bitch he didn't know, jumped in his car, while he was sitting shotgun, and tried to take off in it, he would punch her square in the temple, first. Second, he would ask her who she is...KNOCK THAT BITCH OUT.(unless ofcourse you thought you might be able to fuck her). And that is what they should have done.
My life means way to much to me and my family to have some mediocre child actor in a shame spiral because she fucks nothing but B actors, put my life in jepordy, in MY car, I fucking pay for...try that shit with me lindsey, and I won't be riding shotgun all, "I can't believe this is Lindsey Lohan, and she stole my car, with me and my ambiguously ethnic looking friends inside of it." I would have her coughing up her cocaine on the side of the PCH with a size 12 Frye boot aimed at her pussy yelling "FIRE IN THE HOLE"...

I love an out of control actress as much as the next guy, but when you endanger lives on the same streets I drive on everyday with my two daughters, TWICE in that short of a period...Lindsey, you have to go to Jail for a long time...I'm sorry honey, we all have to live by the same rules.

Bert

11:21 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Is Cameron Diaz really a home wrecking Whore?

That is what the media is saying she is, and they are saying she is fucking a magical hack. Crissssssss Diaz's next act shoudl be to kill himself.

Dear Crisssssss,
Stop hiring black poeple to watch your shitty magic tricks in a park, so they can pump up the intensity like a minstrel show,,,I find it offensive, as should Camerooooon and the rest of the intellignet people in America.

Sincerely,
Bert Kreisssscher

11:35 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Larry King & Paris Hilton

Holy fucking boring. How about this, no more talking for Paris. Pictures of you and your hot friends in magazine, great. Smiling and waving at camera, I love it. But talking about thoughts and ideas you have constructed, all by yourself, in your GED educated blonde head, that has to stop right now. Honey, you sound like a student athlete...."What personality trait would you like to change about yourself?"

"When I get nervous or shy my voice gets high since I was a little girl and that is something I would like to change about myself"

3 1/2 weeks in prison and that is her insight. Imagine how awful it must have been to share a air conditioning vent with her...3 in the morning and she's reading back to herself her recently penned, horrifically mediocre, journal entries in a mock confident, slightly transgender deep voice...."It is times like these that each of us have to stare into our own mirrors..."

My poor God had to hear those horse shit fake ass prayers, and that is what kills me the most...an inability to BE REAL, even by herself. When I write in a journal, I don't write in it hoping someone finds it and mentions how insightfully generous I look. I write what I am thinking, and I never do I think about other people. I think about me, myself, how I can do better for me, why people are fucking with me, and how fucked up everyone is for thinking I'm fucked up. It's your journal HONEY....the purpose of a journal is not to sell it, but to write your thoughts down, get inside your own head, and look back to see how you've grown. Not to mention, if I was in prison, and Paris Hilton, AND treated as unfairly as she was my journal entries sound less like that and more like, "Fuck that prosecutor...his fat ass cunt wife did worse and got less....he is fucking dead. I pay more in hair extensions than the state pays him and fat wife...And let me tell you something "Mr. Finch": I have nothing but free time, an interest building trust fund, a billion dollar inheritance, and a fully instated license...I will find the right time AND the right place, and when you are least expecting it, I will fuck you where you shit captain..."

How great would that have been to see on Larry King Live..."We're gonnna go to a break, but when we get back, Paris tells us about the hard hittin' muthafucka's she found, to fuck the prosecutor, and his wife, in their asses...when we come back."

I have been on her side until she started talking...and in my opinion, her voice sounded a bit high.

Bert

11:28 PM - 1 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

TSINGTAO...

It's sunday night and I am sitting by myself (my wife just left for bed so I'm not an alcholic) drinking TSINGTAO...the oldest Chinese beer, first introduced by German settlers in the early 1900's and to America in 1972, as was I. I'm watching "Flight of the Concords" & I don't entirely get it. HOWEVER, everyone says it is fantastic, so I'll keep watching it until, either I get it, or HBO cancels it. Not a bad show to drink alone and write a blog whilst watching & that one guy looks like an exotic yet boring Jeff Goldbulm.

Maybe that should be their marketing campaign, "Flight of the Conchords...put everyone to be, have a beer, write a blog, and HEY, doesn't that one guy look like Jeff Goldblum?"

Fuck it, maybe I'll pop another top and start a cultural revolution in my house...start throw mutherfuckers out windows for being old school, pounding TSINGTAO, yelling, "fuck the liberal bourgeoisie!"

You've changed,
Bert

10:50 PM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

KILLING...
Current mood: artistic

I heard something one time from Joe Rogan and Jim Bruer talking on siruis about Comics addictted to Killing, and how that is the death of good comedy. their theory was that you get caught up in the big laughs and get lost as a man with something to say. FOOTNOTE: I love big laughs.
I remember working with Louie CK and watching him "kind of" bomb, not a full blown bomb, because he would head to old material in tough spots, but still "kind of" bomb & not care. We were in West Palm, and he was doing material that is now his hour special "Shameless" whcih I think those same people that didn;t get now love and say "I wish I had seen him before". I remember this bitch not getting it...Sitting at the bar, and she came out all, "This guys not funny!" I kept thinking why not just kill with old shit, destroy the room, get your check, and walk out. Most of all I wanted two things: people to see the LOUIS CK I first saw wipe up the room in NY on a late show @ Boston, and I wanted him to tell me I was funny. In retrospect, I didn't get it, and I'll tell you right now sitting in my hotel room in Chicago, I am still five years from getting it. I still care, way too much...I want to stop giving a fuck about the crowd and how hard the laughs sound, but I can't. You do get addicted to killing, and it is the death of great comedy. You watch dudes do the same ten minutes in LA that they have been doing for years, KILL, and your all "fuck, I guess I have to match that"...I'm still way in it and I can't see a way out right now...I guess I need a break down, an intervention, or something. My biggest problem is I get caught up in the thought of it should be pure, real, and raw...in the moment, but there is no room for that in professional stand-up comedy...I'm just thinking outloud.

So there is no confusion in this "he said, she said" world of Stand-up comedy, I think Louie CK, Jim Bruer, and Joe Rogan all are extremely funny and talented comics...

Bert

10:33 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Comedy at the Backstab in Culver City...

Last night, thanks to Emily I had easliy one of the better times I have had one stage in a long time. I have to say that originally I thought all the comics would suck and that the night would end horrifically. Not that the latter didn't happen (the old lady did get onstage and throw a beer at me) but all the comics were refreshingly hilarious and the vibe was not quite as desperate as a mic in a bar can often be. I highly recomend it to any comic who wants to have fun...It's the "Backstage" in culver city, 10400 Culver Blvd, ask for emily, the hot jewish chic.

Bert

8:48 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dem Duke Boyz

Every day it's looking more and more like the 3 boys from Duke are NOT the racist sexual predators the media made them out to be. I knew it was bullshit when the accused said they stuck a broom up her ass, and I thought, "What frat boys have a broom in his house?" She mind as well have said they stuck the Declaration of Independence up her ass. Not to mention the logistics of getting a five-foot broom in someone's asshole. I've never tried, but I seem like a Herculean feat: four people crammed in a college bathroom, a five-foot broom swinging around like a loose boom in a storm, her struggling, the three dudes apparently taking turns putting on their condoms' and rubber gloves'. But what I really feel in this whole rape fiasco is hatred for two people: District Attorney Michael Nifong, and those at the Duke Campus who purposely ignored due process to fit their agenda.

The accused? How about we give her a break. First and foremost, she is a single mother with obvious problems. Drugs, alcohol, stripper, poor, etc… Does anyone want to trade places with her? I didn't think so. She's fucking crazy, & probably said something out loud, couldn't take it back, next thing you know it's out of her hands and out of control. The lacrosse players were thrown in a cement mixer of shit, something no one ever wants, but it does happen, ask Atticus Finch. Any man who's never come across a crazy bitch that tried to ruin his life, via her pussy, is a man that is lucky enough to like the taste of cock. Sadly, to a large group of females, the word "rape" has become synonymous with words like payback, equality, and regret. All that being said, we still don't know exactly what happened that night. To presume her guilty of being a whore & a liar is just as bad as assuming those boys are rapists.

Here is who is guilty and should be punished, the teachers at Duke. 88 of them, as I read last night, who formed a committee to railroad these boys off the campus and into prison. Their names should be released to the public, they should all be stripped of their positions, tenure, and have Lacrosse sticks forced up their assholes. Nifong, who I think he is the worst type of racist there is, the type of white guy who manipulates blacks with the word "racism". It was an election year and he was looking for anything racial to play the black community as a bunch patsies. I'm white, and I can tell you within five or six words what he was thinking, drinking by himself, letting that gay southern voice in his head lead the conversation, "They're too fucking dumb to care what the truth is…theses are rich white boys, so I'll simply give them what they want. A lil' false evidence, sit on the real evidence that would exonerate them and those foolish nigg…CONSTITUANTS will re-elect me."

I think he needs some time in the pokey. Maybe a little shower reenactment of what she said went on that night. Get it up on its feet, see if you can really put a five-foot broom up some ass in a small space.

3:19 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment