December is for Critics...
Current mood: cheerful

My favorite thing about Christmas is Ralpie.

Ralphie and his Red Rider BB Gun.

It just never gets old.

Ever.

Currently listening : A Santa Cause By Various Artists Release date: 25 November, 2004

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I'll Get You Tickets to What You Need...
Current mood: loved

It was a dark and freezing night. Flashes lit up the sides of buildings, so that their drab, fading off-white was suddenly transformed to blue, red, green and orange. Nearby the baseball stadium began to spew out fans dressed in their obligatory navy and orange under the fireworks that were blocked out by the towering buildings.

They flooded the streets in torrents, celebrating their victory while simultaneously confusing the already slow paced traffic.

The street lights that we walked under blinked from red to green, then to yellow and back to red again, in their tiring, neverending cycle. We dodged cars too important to be stopped by human pedestrians, and bums who flanked the streets as though protecting the buildings from intruders. A screaming siren wailed by as everyone continued swarming the sidewalks, undeterred by the alarms it was sending. This second nature occurence was nothing new to them.

The lights did little to light the walkway as they were swallowed whole by the numerous crowds pressing in against the buildings to squeeze into the busy clubs. But what little light got through glinted off of the tiny silver charm hanging around your neck.

Momentarily, I was forced to pause as I suddenly realized where I was. Not that I was unaware, but that it didn't feel like it was actually happening. But it was.

And the realization came so clear, that I staggered back, wondering to myself about the gravity of it all.

Wasn't it just yesterday that that cute girl was jumping out of my closet? Giggling like she was 8 years younger than she actually was, and so proud of the feat that she had managed to accomplish?

Wasn't it just last week that my mom got sick, and she was the only one near enough to hold on to who was willing enough to try and understand?

Wasn't it yesterday that I was setting my alarm for 2:30am, so that I could drive 10 minutes to her work and drive her back to her apartment 2 blocks away? I always knew she got home safe, and I'd do it every night of the week to see her smiling when I walked in.

It had to have been no more than two weeks ago when I pulled over in a parking lot, needing to say something to her that I couldn't not say any more. "Saying 'I love you' the very first time, focused not blind, and you said it too..."

And now, there I was looking into the same blue eyes that I'd stared at a thousand times before, seeing nothing I hadn't already seen, but seeing everything new nonetheless. That black dress perfectly adapting to her figure, and the ribbon holding her beautiful blonde hair perfectly in place told me that she wanted to look like that for a reason.

Me.

It's true what I said about being a better person now that I've met you. I wouldn't lie...

So I will continue trying to help you with math homework, you can keep driving your stickshift cavalier, I'll keep trying (and failing) to surprise you, you can keep smiling so that your dimple shows, I'll keep opening the door for you, you can keep eating bacon, I'll keep sharing my family with you, you can let me hang out with your brother once in a while, I will continue planning to drop out of school to become a famous rockstar and sing songs about you, you can keep begging me for a pug, I'll keep playing with your hair, you can keep screaming and running away from spiders, I'll keep rolling my eyes and killing them when you do, you can keep looking beautiful, I will keep reminding you that you are, you can keep hating my music, I will keep listening to yours, you can keep scrapbooking, I'll keep doing the laundry, you can keep putting up with boy movies, and I'll keep watching yours...

Because I love you.

Happy anniversary.

Currently listening : We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes By Death Cab for Cutie Release date: 21 March, 2000

12:29 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Calling Me, From the Calendar Anniversary...
Current mood: wonderful

I saw you in a dark parking lot. Each streetlight reflected by the perfect curve of your beautiful blue eyes. You could look at whatever you wanted with those blue eyes...But your gaze was transfixed on me.

As I stuttered and stammered out the words that I had bottled up inside me, that held a truth and a meaning that I had never before experienced before you, you just let your smile get bigger and bigger, until your face could no longer hold in all the joy I saw in you that night.

Your eyes went past mine and dug around the deepest parts of my soul. And I could see that you knew already what I was trying to say...

Then you said it too...

I remembered picking out your sihoutte in a dark and hazy room. Five guys running around and screaming lyrics that you could care less about. But you stood there through it all, just smiling. Gorgeous. You were just one heartbeat away.

I remember seeing my princess, long since decorated with a flashy dress fit for a princess. Watching her world spin made me dizzy, as she fought to keep her eyes open. The ground ached for her to call it her home, but the only part that it collected were a few tears...

Mine.

You screamed and cried and fought against me. The fog growing darker every second..."Why are you here?"

"Cause I..."

Then it all went black, and it was over.

I remember a song I began to write for you. Upon listening to it, I found it too childish too continue, and now the chords and lyrics are just words and a couple of strings on a silent guitar...

But they will always be lyrics that I hold near and dear to me...

"Cuz youre my parachute, youre a chandelier
Hold me close, how did I get so near
Toss you up, over my shoulder
Wait around, well get a little older
Standing there, old white dress, you
always seem to look your best, i
cant breathe when im around you
my God, I think I love you."

And so it went...

I remember seeing two kids. A lunch date. And something in both of their smiles. It didn't need to be said...it was enough that it was there.

He picked her up and carried her on his shoulder, while she squealed like a small child.

But she enjoyed every second of it.

I remember the first time I felt what I feel now. You might as well have been a million miles away. Our only connection was station receiving and transmitting our cellular transmissions. I could hear your pain...and there was nothing I could do.

All I needed to do was reach out and hold your hand. And build an airplane. And learn to fly it. And climb a mountain. And brave the snow. And sleep on the wet ground. And stumble up that long driveway, past the car stuck in the snow. Sneak into an unfamiliar home.

Then let you cry on me shoulder.

You came home a day late. Those were the longest twenty-four hours of my life. But I didn't know why.

I had an idea, of course. But we don't entertain those thoughts...those are for people who know what they are talking about...not me.

But I remember a single, solitary girl walking down the terminal. You've never seen a girl as beautiful as that girl was at that precise moment in time. My heart left my chest to reach her, moments before my arms began to squeeze the life out of her...

I knew it at that moment.

And I kept it to myself.

"youre the life boat to my sinking ship
I fall for you, when I slip
Some thought out words and loud guitar, cant
Measure just how sweet you are. When I
Go to bed and I start to cry, I
Know youre there right by my side, and
If youre gone, when I wake, I
Wont make it my big mistake, Ill
Burn this book of matches just
Trying to find you, I
Cant stand it when I miss you."

You were like a train wreck I never saw coming. But can't you see the beauty in that? I lied to myself over and over again.

But it's all true.

I can't put a time or date on it. Nor will I ever be able too. All I know is that it's you.

Burn the hatred, jealousy, anger, and uneqivocal rantings of yesterday.

Because today, I love you.

Currently listening : Peregrine (Dig) By Appleseed Cast Release date: 21 March, 2006

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Wait, She's Figured Out...
Current mood: indescribable

This is a night made dark by natural causes. Darkened still further by the illegal tint keeping prying eyes away from the privacy and security of this moving vehicle.

Suddenly, something is piercing the darkness.

The moon is bright, but its efforts to shine are futile. The dull streetlamps do little more than cast a small yellow circle on the ground. My foot could grind out that little gleam quicker than the light from a snubbed out match. The headlights reach an incredible four and a half feet out in front of the vehicle, but our lives are put in danger, by a bright light that makes me go blind.

I've seen that light before, in fact I've been seeing it alot in the last three months. I glance over at the individual occupying the passenger seat. Of course she's smiling, but the light isn't coming from her.

(Though she does carry a bit of it with her.)

So confused, I begin to look in every direction for the source, fearing for our lives as it overwhelmes me. I have no other choice now but to pull over and gasp for breath.

But as my head slowly falls to my chest, I look inside myself for the first time...I've found the light.

An idling and warm car sits alone in a parking lot. The alternating lines of palm trees and street lights do nothing more than to remind every pathetic shopper of their pitiful and banal existence as they spend yet one more moment of their lives waiting in line to make more purchases that will never enhance their lives like they wish they could. The lit sign from a fast food restaurant, the symbol that has replaced the flag of America. A lonely ATM sits, no longer feeling the warmth of human touch across its cold and heartless keypad. Two cars sit in their receptacles, their little plots of land, marked by two sets of white painted lines, perfectly securing a safe-haven for someone's property. The property of two employees too tired to stay on the job for the remainder of their 10 hour shifts. Here some cement, here some pavement, here some asphalt. And there is a puddle. Water, oil, trash and cigarette butts.

And one vehicle haphazardly slung across four parking spaces, stealing the space that has been alotted to the good of the general population.

This is your utopia, dreamers of middle class America.

Not so enticing is it?

No, but that isn't all.

For a bomb has been dropped here. And the banality that is middle class suburban America has become something new. And even the darkness has no stronghold here. This place is bathed in the brightest light of all...

She sits on the front of the car, as though she were a piece of metal, some engineer decided to put there and call a hood ornament. But there is no way she can even be remotely compared to a hood ornament.

She's the backup in a losing battle. She's a lifeboat to your sinking ship. And she's the most fun you've had in your entire life.

The Rolls Royce of hood ornaments has nothing on her.

The words of the band still echo in my ringing ears, "...this is the closest I've ever been."

No truer words have ever been spoken.

The white light radiating from my chest only builds in intensity as tears fill my eyes, a cold sweat breaks out over me, and my knees begin to buckle and shake.

My voice is uncontrollable. The light is piercing my vocal chords. Rushing out of my lungs.

People begin peeking out of their windows to see what is causing this unearthly light, but are too blinded, so instead they turn back to their couches and television sets, eager to get their fill of celebrity gossip.

Until their houses' very foundations are rocked by the explosion of the atomic bomb I just detonated in their very city.

I look into her blue eyes and know that I've made the right choice.

I'm in love.

Currently listening : Peregrine (Dig) By Appleseed Cast Release date: 21 March, 2006

1:51 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dressed To Kill, Killing For Your Dress Tonight...
Current mood: happy

Somewhere in a small thrift store off of Rosecranz, there is a naked mannequin.

Apparently, she was wearing a really cute Easter skirt, and someone fell in love with the skirt and was willing to do whatever she could to get it. I don't think you can actually fully experience all the intensity life has to offer until your ears are bright red while you are undressing a mannequin in the middle of a thrift store, while old men walk by and make unhelpful and witty comments.

I'm glad to say that our rainy day adventures are ten times better than your rainy day adventures...sorry...but that's just the way it is.

But for what it's worth, I did manage sever the mannequin's upper half of her body from the lower half, before we ran away to hide from the embarrassment of standing next to a skin colored mannequin butt.

Awkward.

Let's just say it was worth it...and I can't wait till Easter.

In addition, your night sucks when you are sick, and someone's car decides to give up on life after 28 years of solidarity. You spend close to two hours between shivering in the freezing cold, waiting for the tow truck, and driving around without a valid California driver's license or proof of insurance. Only to get home to find that your team has been bumped from the NCAA tournament.

But then this happens.

In a frantic panic, you realize that you have misplaced your glasses. This is not necessarily a terrible thing, but it is important when you can't see the board in class, or read street signs until you are five feet from them. You search every single inch of your car, sticking your fingers into precarious positions, praying they don't get severed unintentionally.

She looks at you and says thank you for rescuing her and promises that the rest of the night will be ok.

You fake a smile, breathe out the stress that doesn't really leave, and begin to plan out how you will manage to get a new pair...

Then...she suggests something absurd. Why don't we drive 4 miles back to wear the car broke down, in the ghetto, in the dark, after rush hour traffic, and check there?

I know it's futile, but you can't argue with her sometimes, and this is one of those times. Solemnly, you agree to humor her, and you drive the 4 miles back to the scene of the crime 40 minutes later. The car ride is quiet, because all you feel like doing really is sleeping.

It is one of those humbling moments, when you have to admit that you were wrong. Let go of all those stupid feelings you entertained, look her in the eyes, and remember who she is...

An unbroken pair of glasses lie in the middle of the street, untouched, just gleeming from the headlights.

Putting on those glasses causes your vision to become clear as her arms wrap around you. But it's not your eyes that are seeing clearly, it's your heart.

A quick thanks to God for being able to see again, and another for the person that she is...that no one else can be.

A miracle? Maybe...But she's a blessing, no doubt.

Currently listening : Blueprints for the Black Market By Anberlin Release date: 06 May, 2003

1:03 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Drowning in the Aftermath...
Current mood: rejuvenated

As the rain fell steadily against the mixture of asphalt and pavement of a sleepy apartment complex, he smiled at her.

A smile she would never see, as he gazed upon her from his far off vantage point. He watched as she breathed in and out. Steady. Easy. Free. Never straying far from this continuous cycle. Still, he watched the rising and falling of her body. Her entire being seemed to center around this system that so often she took for granted.

But that he never did.

It was that cycle that kept her eyes open. For if she were to stray from that cycle, perhaps skip one or two breaths, she might never open her eyes and smile at him again. And for all he knew...neither would he.

So he sat, listening to the splashing outside of the window, and feeling the cool, moist air creeping into the window through the small slits in the screen. It was beautiful, you know. The rain falling. Being inside. An old movie completing its final twenty-eight minutes on the quiet television set against the wall. Her hand lay against his chest, making a feeble attempt to grasp a hold of his shirt. But her strength was gone. Returned in exchange for leaving this stressful and unfulfilling world, and entering a place where none of that gets through.

Well, some of it does. The sounds [the rain], the feelings [my hand clutching hers close], the smells [a clean and lonely apartment].

A place where anything can happen, and it does.

And he lets it. Because when she wakes and returns from her journey, he can grab hold of her and carry her gently back into the world that haunts her, that plagues her, that eats away at her...

That he strives to save her from.

Why, you ask?

Because for some reason, she rescues him from it every day. And even if that was all...it would be more than enough.

Daring not to wake her for the long and dreary ride home, he focuses on keeping her heart beating. The moment of panic one receives upon realizing that his heart has missed a beat and wondering if the next one will come at all, leaves him shaken. Pulsating, her fingers tighten around his and a thin smile creases her lips.

Feet marred by a casserole's descent. Skins litter the floor, bruising the veins that are etched into the tile. A kiss on the cheek can become a joke thrown away like a garbage can overflowing with refuse. But those who glean may take pride in what was thrown away. It may be treated as its own once again. This one trash can has been replaced with two, but your heart cannot be equalled (who finds that out the hard way). He picks you up, spinning. But it's raining, or so I hear. Or a key fitting a lock, but refusing to turn, don't throw it away, dear. Don't throw it away.

Do you even know who you are? Or what you do to me?

You said, "You will get tired of me." But this scratching of the surface, it's everything anyone could ever ask for.

A grocery store line has never been the same since you.

So I'll keep watching you breathe. But please...

"take heart...because you know that you have mine."
-Anberlin

Currently listening : E. Von Dahl Killed the Locals By The Matches Release date: 11 May, 2004

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Not Too Far For Me To Row...
Current mood: accomplished

One hundred thousand people pressing in, pushing us closer. The air is stale and recycled, but we've gotten used to it by now. Our aching limbs plead for fresh oxygen, but we just push the complaints to the back of our heads as we enjoy these few precious moments.

But I have a secret.

It makes me smile. It makes my heart race. It makes me want to tell the whole world. But I let it go and gaze forwards with eyes not seeing, and the slight smirk etched into my cheek.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see her smiling. As much as she wished that smile belonged to someone so much more worthy and charismatic, I've seen that smile before. And I know for whom it is intended.

A certain lucky boy.

Compared to a forty-eight day wait, a few hours should seem like nothing. But the opposite happens, as it always does when your heart starts racing out of control, and your emotions are always three steps ahead of it. Knowing by now that she is definitely something special, and more than worth it, I would expect to be calm and collected.

Funny. She has a way of completely destroying that image.

After the interminable wait, the inevitable doubts crept into my mind. In retrospect, each and every one of them was a pointless excuse for me to be a boy. A boy with no guts, who lets his blood stream distort the obvious conclusions and choices already made up in his mind.

But the most fun part is letting it all go and jumping into the puddle without even bothering to stop and take your shoes off. That's where the rush comes from, where the furious racing of the heart originates.

The underlying origin lies somewhere else however. And if you have ever stared at her for anything longer than a passing glance, you would know that the origin is in her smile.

With every muscle tensed, and every drop of blood confusing my already predetermined thoughts, she held me tight so that I could not tear my eyes away from hers.

"I need you so much closer," I told her...in a pathetic attempt to just let go.

And as I continued to stare, I saw something. For once, she was an open book, and I could see that she too had a secret. My heart told me that it was all just the misinterpretation of my brain, as the two silently struggled with each other. But as I looked closer, I was sure I wasn't mistaken. I saw past her eyes for a moment, and I could see her secret that was so blatantly obvious, there was no way I couldn't see it.

She knew. The secret I was keeping to myself, that made me smile, she knew it. Her smile only amplified the irony of it all even more.

"So come on, come on..." she sang to me. Still I could not find it in myself to just let go.

Her grip tightened with the rising volume and tempo of the music as she stared at me harder and continued, "So come on, come on!!!"

And in a moment of astonishment (for I could not believe myself as I watched from a vantage point far away, because for the first time in his life, he let go of his inhibitions and his pathetic nature and jumped into the puddle without the help of pathetic reconnaissance missions), I abandoned every abstract and futile shackle that kept me in this cell that I have been so content in for so long.

In that moment, I saw the world outside of my cage...and it is beautiful.

Currently listening : Plans By Death Cab for Cutie Release date: 30 August, 2005

1:04 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The First to Finish...
Current mood: tired

"You will fight for nothing and you will finish last," he swore from the tops of mountains. The quiet mockery, a stumbling block, became a foothold against shame, and he struggled through icy gales to end the torment. If only for one last glimpse, one last chance to see the eyes that told him what he was worth. But he was worth nothing, and he knew it. Yet, still he trudged on.

As he neared the final steps of his journey, he saw tracks well worn into the snow, and he realized he was not the first to play this perilous game. Many more had gone before him and had finished first, but had they truly won? With no way to know if his effort was in vain, he approached the peak, and saw what he had longed for, for nights and nights spent without sleep. Every tear spent on priceless commodities that could never be returned. The withered figure turned to face him, the cold, dullen eyes searching his. But the recognition was there. Only for a second the visible glow of the spark set her eyes aflame, and at once the withered figure had become the lovely blossom that he had always seen before. But slowly the melting ice below his feet began to cave in, and he stood frozen by the piercing gleam in her stare. Sinking lower and lower, and knowing the end had come he became resigned to his fate until she spoke. "Oh worthless, to me it does not matter what you have been deemed by others. This is not the end of a meaningless existence for I am not here to be won. I'm here because I'm waiting for what I've been promised. Many others have come here before, and indeed you are the last. But the time for goodbyes has past. And tomorrow may still fight against you, but you have succeeded because you were last." As she reached out her hand and clutched his, he felt her tears dancing upon his arms.

For years he thought back to that moment, and as he did he was flooded with warmth like a raging fire. He still gazed into her eyes, but never searching, for he knew that he had been found, because he finished last.

Currently listening : Digital Ash in a Digital Urn By Bright Eyes Release date: 25 January, 2005

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When Years Become Days...

I think I'm going to skip my birthday this year. Maybe that means I'm old or something, because only old people want to skip their birthdays. But yeah, I'm just over this whole getting older thing. I mean, I know I'm not old...but I sure feel like I am. It's this whole "independent" thing. The whole, going to school even though I don't have to. The whole, paying for gas, car insurance, and car repairs. The whole, doing my own laundry. Okay, tangent...

Does it seem strange to anyone except me that my mom gets upset if I don't call her and tell her that I am going to lunch with a few of my friends even though I'm 18 and she makes me do my own laundry even though I still live with her? I dunno. It just seems weird to me that she has to know where I am every minute of the day even though she makes me be as independent as she can make me while I am still living in her house. I mean, I could understand like if I was going on a trip for a week, she might want to know when I'd be back, but if I'm gone for a couple of hours? Cut the umbilical already...hahah.

Anyways, yeah. Forget my birthday. I don't want to grow up anymore. I'm done.

Currently listening : Understand This Is a Dream By Juliana Theory Release date: 23 March, 1999

12:08 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Tears Spent for Mayhem...
Current mood: listless

Emo shows are fun. Except for all the frickin' scenesters. I mean, I didn't even think it was possible to have a pit at an emo show. Or to even two step to that kind of music. But yeah, it happened. And it is all the frickin' scenesters' doing. That's why they have hardcore shows for crying out loud! If you want to dance, dance at a hardcore show. Jeez. And if you want to cry or stare at your shoes, then hang out at an emo show. Frickin' scenesters.

Currently listening : Pretend You're Alive By Lovedrug Release date: 27 July, 2004

10:21 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment