Kindly shut the f**k up.
Current mood: annoyed

Do you hear that whistling noise? That's my blood boiling. Tea's ready.

Everyone talks about the lack of discipline with children...seriously, everyone's doin' it...but what about adults? Who reprimands them? I can easily see how a child might think being an adult means you can do whatever you want, no matter how inconsiderate, rude or inappropriate. People complain about laws. Do you know why laws exist? Because people are assholes. Thanks to assholes, we have speed bumps; car alarms; pay-before-you-pump; spyware; airport security; automatic faucets and tepid coffee.

Where is this all coming from, Mario?

I'm glad you asked, imaginary reader. I'm in Little Rock, Arkansas this week. It's a little slice of heaven...if heaven were a shithole. (see also: Shreveport, LA). For those who have never stepped inside a comedy club--and i can't really blame you sometimes--a comedy show is just like a movie: sit down, watch the show and shut your ignorant cake hole. Look at the name on your ticket stub. Who's playing tonight? Is it "Obnoxious Douchebag" or "Fat Cunt"? Nope, they were here last week. And the week before that. Infinity plus one.

More clubs need to "train" their audiences. You get one warning. If it happens again, you're out. It eventually weeds out these oblivious shit-stains...

"But we were just laughing!" Really? Then how come the bouncer hasn't had to talk to everyone else who's laughing? Some clubs are afraid to throw out the jackasses, for fear of losing their business. What about the 100 or so well-behaved people who will never come back? Why should they?

"Say sumptin' funny and thin i'll pay attention" You've got that backwards, sweet-tits. First, you pay attention, then you'll hear something funny. The reason I'm "not funny", is because you've been talking through all the set-ups. Still not funny? Then you're right, that is my fault...my jokes are catered to people who've completed high school, and I sincerely apologize. Git-r-done.

"You guys are 'sposed to be able to handle it" But for how long? I was working with the incredibly adept Jimmy Pardo in South Dakota recently, and he skillfully and hilariously shut down a heckler FIVE times throughout his show. Did she shut up? Of course not. Jimmy got understandably frustrated. After the show, she had the balls to tell Jimmy he shouldn't be doing comedy if he can't handle the crowd. But for how long do the comics have to "handle" your shit-faced, trailer-trash, strip-club, coked-up outbursts? Apparently, for 90 minutes straight.

"Dude, man, bro, I'm helping the show." Really? Do you bring your own food to a restaurant? Your own drum kit to a concert? Hookers to a brothel? We got it covered, fratboy. Climb back up into your Ford Compensator and hit the titty bar. Don't forget to bring your own stripper.

"It's my birthday! Wooo!" Ever hear the expression, "Attention Whore"? Well, pay attention, whore...the show is not about you. I know you think it is, and that's precious, but I'm rather certain the other 200 people don't give a shit how old you are. Go to Bennigan's next time. Better yet, casting couch sessions for Girls Gone Wild 12: Electric Boogaloo are right around the corner. Get in line. Whore. Wooo!

[Note: I apologize to the gals if this all smacks of misogyny. I adore women. I love my mother and my two older sisters. But 95% of the time, it's the ladies who can't shut up. Of that 95%, I'd say most are dried-up, tattooed, thirty-something "ex-hotties" who never took the time to develop a personality back when their skin was tight and their tits were perky. Reach deep into those leathery saddlebags you call hips and wrangle up some common courtesy.]

and please, all of you...shut the fuck up.

enjoy the show,
mario

Currently listening : Emergency & I By The Dismemberment Plan Release date: 26 October, 1999

2:56 PM - 20 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Shit List

I love the s-word. I don't think it gets enough credit for playing such a crucial role in our everyday vocabulary. You probably used it a dozen times today. Indulge me:

S**T

-Sometimes you really need to take one.
-Other times, you couldn't give two.
-It can be tough, little or even holy.
-You might be full of it, talk a lot of it, you might even have it for brains.
-It comes in piles, loads, crocks and big, worthless sacks.
-If you're really drunk, your face might be covered with it.
-Someone may compare their car to a piece of it.
-Someone may ask you to eat some, and then die.
-You make a bad deal, it comes on the end of a stick.
-But hang on to that stick, because it might help you paddle up the creek that's named after it.
-If you're really angry, you might kick it out of someone.
-At the very least, scare it out of them.
-And if you do that, it may come out in the form of a brick.
-You might get caught in a storm of it,
-Especially if it just hit a fan.
-The weather may be cold as it.
-A woman may be hotter than it.
-I know a guy who has it for a last name, but i won't bother mentioning him because most people don't know Jack.

So do you see?
It happens. Frequently. Appreciate it.

I was going to write a super-clever ending for this blog, but y'know, fuck that shit.



hugs 'n' hickies,
mario

3:57 PM - 11 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Queerly Beloved

Dear hypocritical, close-minded, ass-holier-than-thou conservative fucks,

I want you to think of the most horrific people in history: Hitler, Ted Bundy, Bin Laden, Puck from the Real World. What do they all have in common? All products of straight marriages. I think its time we give My Two Dads a shot.

I would now like to counter every argument I've heard in favor of banning gay marriage, because not one has a leg to stand on.

1) "Gays getting married will spoil the sanctity of marriage." This is my favorite one. Does everyone conveniently forget that us heteros continue to make a mockery out of marriage? Divorce rates are higher then ever; there are 24-hour wedding chapels in Vegas; Elected officials have countless bouts with infidelity; Jackass celebrities get hitched for a week; Who wants to marry a millionaire? Some gold-digging whore, thats who. Face it, marriage is laughable in this country, and its not showing any signs of improvement.


2) "Children need both a mother and a father" You're right, it would be much healthier for a child to grow up with potentially one or two unloving or abusive parents, so long as they're not a pair of turd-burglars or donut-bumpers. And for those ignorant, bible-thumping dipshits who believe that being gay is a choice, tell me, at what age did you decide to be straight? Was it like a Pepsi challenge at puberty? "Hmm, Im gonna go with vagina." The same God you praise and worship blindly created homosexuals. Are you suggesting that the Almighty One fucked up? And let's explore why He would create such an abomination of a human being? For starters, how about population control? To pick up the slack for all of the irresponsible heterosexuals who keep popping out kids like illegitimate Pez dispensers. Just so we're clear, a few hundred thousand straight folks abandon their children for whatever reason, and gay couples want to adopt them and provide a loving home? My mistake, those faggots are evil. Evil, I tells ya! Against abortion? Then you should embrace the idea of gay marriage, because gay couples can't have kids on accident.


3) "Homosexuality is a sin, says so in the Bah-bull" Ah, yes, the Bible. That book written by equally homophobic men. MEN, not God. And written at a time when no one understood homosexuality. You know what else is a sin? Tea-bagging altar boys while proclaiming to be a "Man of God". That must be part of the ass-rape-and-don't-tell policy in the New, New Testament.


4) "You let the gays git married, you open the doors fer people marrying their pets." Wow, I had no idea that homosexuality was a gateway to bestiality. I can't believe people are this stupid. This is the America that embarrasses me. Last time I checked, my homosexual friends were human beings who want to love and marry other human beings. Do you know who wants to marry a goat or a toaster? The insane. Mental midgets. And I'd be willing to wager that they're all straight.

Now if you'll all pardon me, Oscar and I have a honeymoon to plan.

hugs and hickies,
mario

3:49 PM - 8 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

Aromatherapissed

I was reading how your memory is directly linked to your sense of smell, and its true...whenever I get a hearty whiff of ether, I flashback to when I was five years old, spending the weekend with my uncle. Relax, he was a funeral director...at least that was the game we played. "But I don't wanna be the corpse again, Uncle Frank." You can also use specific odors to conjure up nostalgia. I lived in New York for three years and, now, whenever I'm pining for the Big Apple, I just throw a lit match on a homeless guy. Then I pee on him to put out the fire and mmmm, "Am I on the lower east side?! Wait, wait, now I'm picking up the scent of hot dogs and sodomy, nope, I'm in Chelsea."

But the whole concept of aromatherapy smells a lot like bullshit. I bought an aromatherapy candle for my bathroom at Target. It smells like cedar, but the label read, Patience. What exactly does patience smell like? Well, after three cups of coffee, kinda like someone took a shit in a hope chest. My very own Pennsylvania Dutch Oven.

What it boils down to is this: people are suckers. Tell me, what does rejuvination or balance smell like? "Wow, you smell great, what is that?" "Its my new shampoo, Gullibility." I want to open up my own shop for these mo-rons. My own aromatherapy store called Nonscents, but I'll only sell candles and oils that annoy people. I will harness the smells of screaming children, musical ring tones and Rosie Perez. Which makes me wonder how they test and name these scents accordingly. I imagine a lab rat in a tiny bathtub with the candles in question lit around the perimeter, and a guy in a white coat and clipboard making observations: "Lets see, 3 hours, 22 minutes; the rat looks relaxed. He's reaching for a pint of ice cream and he's just turned on Oprah, lets call this one, Desperation." "And how's our other little guy...uh-oh, he's taken off his shirt and smacked the female rat, we'll name this one Kentucky Moonlight."

I suppose it's the actual term, "aromatherapy" that really irks me. Like it actually boasts some academic merit for helping someone with genuine problems. "Doc, I'm a mess. I'm afraid if heights, I want to sleep with my mother, I'm suicidal and--sniffff--is that jasmine? Well, good morning, world!" I'm sure it won't be long before you hear someone say, "My aromatherapist has me on 40 milligrams of sandalwood." And I'm willing to wager that every candle only burns for 50 minutes, and you're left with a tiny message that reads, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid our time is up."

9:35 AM - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The Lord's Gym

There's a new chain of gyms in Florida designed and built just for Christians who are tired of the meat markets such as Gold's and Bally's (are they still around?) and such and such. Their motto is: "God wants you to be physically fit." How about that, I thought vanity was a sin. Anywho, Im not Christian, but I am curious. I immediately felt out of place. First thing I did was ask God for the strength to endure the Christy Hip-Hop they kept piping in. I asked one guy to spot me on the bench press and he was like: "Okay, man, its all you, its all you...and Him." People were getting pissed at me 'cos I kept hogging the holy water fountain. Then I see this super cute Christian gal on the stairmaster to heaven. I start flirting with her and she tells me to go to hell. So Im in the sauna, and who walks in wearing nothing but a shroud of Turin around his waist, but Jesus Christ hisself! Now, I'm not normally star-struck, but Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ! He gets up to leave and I follow him. Most people don't know this, but JC is a bit of a showboat. I caught him running laps...on the pool. He got on the rowing machine and was the only one catching fish. Finally, I catch up with him on this new machine called the Cruciflex --which works great, but the next day my wrists are killing me-- and I was like, "Jesus, I noticed when we both left the steam room, there was only one set of footprints." Next thing I know, I was being escorted out the door by his 12 personal trainers. So I just went next door to the agnostic's gym, but it was just a bunch of guys doing shrugs all day...aaand, scene.

3:32 PM - 9 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

Here's what I think I think...

What the fuck do I believe in? Do I have any opinions of my own? Any original thoughts? I am on the fence or indifferent when it comes to so many issues, largely due to ignorance or laziness or both. So lets review what I think I think:

-I think people should be held responsible for their own actions.
-I think at this point in time, life now imitates art.
-I think you need to know the rules before you break them.
-I think the ultimate aphrodisiac is indifference.
-I think we start out as good people, but some of us learn to be assholes without the knowledge of being taught.
-I think common sense is a dying religion.
-I think politicians are grown-up children.
-I think everyone should wait tables for at least one year, just to give them an idea of how despicable some people can be.
-I think we learn how to be embarrassed.
-I think the human race is getting dumber.
-I think there are those who "get it" and those who dont.
-I think people, by and large, are hypocrites.
-I think fat people can help themselves, but discipline is a bitch.
-I think people always try to seem smarter then they are, myself included.
-I think marriage is an unnatural, man-made concept, hence infidelity.
-I think we turn to dust when we die.
-I think men and women ARE different, and we should stop pretending they're not.
-I think attractive people have it much easier than the ugly folks.
-I think horoscopes should be used for entertainment purposes only.
-I think things do happen for a reason, even if that reason is to make you think what the reason really is. make sense?
-I think women should start making the first move.
-I think people who genuinely dislike dogs are cold and soulless.
-I think religion is a crutch that forces people to hobble through life.
-I think artists --all types-- are getting lazier.
-I think school uniforms are a good idea.
-I think the most practical way to hang toilet paper is under the roll, not over.
-I think self-awareness is both a blessing and a curse.
-I think New York is the worst city to live in if you want to be emotionally content.
-I think people who say theyre tired of game-playing are just tired of losing those games.
-I think moderation is king but excess gets all the attention.
-I think blue-collar workers are the backbone of society and white-collars are spineless.
-I think this world would be a friendlier place if everyone minded their own business.
-I think relationships are like an emotional game of chicken, and down the road, eventually, someone is going to swerve.
-I think that life becomes difficult once you start wanting more.
-I think Top 40 music is simple music for simple minds.
-I think women should say "no" more often.
-I think its high time for a woman to run this country (please, no obvious period jokes, you hack.)
-I think first impressions can be more misleading than not.
-I think fights can bolster a friendship, just like muscle needs to be broken down before it can become stronger.
-I think pretty people are most often boring and bereft of substance, which is why they have to marry each other.
-I think late-bloomers are the real gems.
-I think a verbal commitment should be taken just as seriously as any paper marriage license or expensive ring.
-I think weddings have lost all meaning and are now grotesque and materialistic pageants.
-I think people should stop reproducing for a while and start adopting.
-I think the secret of growing old gracefully is to stay mentally active.
-I think fraternities and sororities are just an expensive extension of high school.
-I think life experience is more important and impressive than book smarts.
-I think job security is a thing of the past.
-I think its easy to hate everything.
-I think it would be boring if everyone thought like me.

hugs and hickies,
mario

3:12 PM - 16 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

Introducing Mario - an interview by Lizzy Morrow
Category: Art and Photography

An Interview With Comedian Mario DiGiorgio

by Lizzy Morrow

taken from frycookonvenus.com



Bored and disgusted with his degree in advertising, New Jersey native Mario DiGiorgio moved to Austin, Texas and began writing comedy in between a dozen restaurant jobs. After watching three months' worth of open-mics, he gave it a go. Eight months later, Mario secured the title of the nationally-recognized comedy contest, The Funniest Person in Austin. He followed up by becoming a finalist in the HBO/Aspen Open Call for stand-up; was a finalist in Comedy Central's Laugh Riots competition and will be featured on Comedy Central's Premium Blend in the winter of 2005. Mario also performed at 2005's Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal, sharing the stage with comedy veterans like Harland Williams and Eddie Brill on the festival's Bubbling with Laughter and Best of the Fest events.


Today, Mario resides in Austin, Texas and tours the country with an ever-swelling catalogue of smart, inventive material that spills over with left turns, right hooks and sucker-punches. Sarcastic yet somehow sweet, cerebral without condescension, Mario DiGiorgio is fast carving his niche in comedy's well-worn headboard.


Mario's ambition and tenacity are equally remarkable. He recently sold a short screenplay to Scott Rudin Productions; self-published the dark yet laugh-out-loud A Cynic's Guide to a Rich and Full Life, and founded his own sardonic and iconic t-shirt company, bignoselittledog.com.

3:27 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Cuntinental Airlines
Current mood: annoyed

I try so hard not to be a misanthrope, I really do, but people continue to annoy the holy fuck out of me. At the top of that list: New Parents: Having a baby gives some people a twisted sense of entitlement; a whiny, stinky, fleshy license to throw any sense of consideration for others out with the bathwater.

Anyhoo, I’m flying to Jersey for Christ’s birthday (really, spell check? Do I HAVE to capitalize “Christ”…fine.), and for three miserable hours I have a 4-year-old Pele behind me bending it like Beckham on my seat back. I don’t know which was worse, his constant kicking or his milquetoast father: “Jake, stop kicking that seat. Stop kicking that seat, Stop it, stop kicking that seat. If you don’t stop, I’ll be forced to…ask you again to stop kicking that seat."

Next to me is an empty seat, on which I folded and placed my jacket. In the aisle seat was ANOTHER proud parent with her baby on her lap, watching Dora the Multi-Cultural Explorer on a DVD player, at full blast. I try to block it out and get some sleep. I wake up after a few minutes to a sour smell. This woman is fucking changing her fucking baby on the fucking middle seat using my fucking coat as a fucking pillow. Then more Dora the Mexican Magellan. STILL, I remain quiet.

At this point I should tell you that I’m traveling with Oscar, my 9-lb pooch, who’s tucked away neatly and QUIETLY in his doggie bag, head poking out and drunk from sedation. He begins to get a little squirmy so I pull the entire bag onto my lap and he calms down again. Everything is cool. Until...

We begin to descend, and a stewardess comes by and says: “You have to put the dog on the floor.” I point to Rosemary’s baby and say: “What’s the difference?” She gets condescending and says it’s policy, and there’s a fine. I then inquire: “What’s the fine for changing your baby in the middle of a crowded airplane?” “Sir, I’m not even going to get into that.” Fuck it. I put Oscar back on the floor and the cunt tells me to zip up the bag. Now I’m super pissed. What’s the point?! Is it a safety issue? If so, then you’re telling me this dog’s life is more crucial than an infant’s? Is it a health issue? Because I can guarantee that little germ-ridden rug rat can get more people sick than Oscar could. Not to mention we’re on board with over 200 people, half of whom probably have colds, or didn’t wash their hands after pissing. There is no logical explanation, and that’s what annoys me most. I walk off the plane, give the stewardess the finger and say, “Buh-bye."

Now here’s the best part. The solipsistic parents overheard me, of course, and the father calls me an asshole. I tell him it’s fucking rude to use my jacket as a changing table. So I meet up with my dad at the baggage claim, and the 20-something uncle of the baby gets in my face, steaming pissed that I compared my dog who “walks on four legs” with his “precious niece.” He’s so close I wonder if we’re about to make out. I can’t get a word in edgewise. Finally I say put your ignorant, inconsiderate self in my shoes. I’m minding my own business. No one hears, smells or even sees my dog. EVERYONE has to hear, smell and look at your ugly little “miracle”. I think he’s about to hit me and MY dad, the most passive, loving human being on this earth calls this kid a “fucking cocksucker”!! I almost lose my shit, laughing with disbelief on the inside. The jackass gets in my father’s face, says a few more unfounded, uneducated remarks and storms off.

Hey parents, I know there are a lot of you who indeed consider your surroundings and other people, and for the precious few of you, I am eternally grateful. And I KNOW having a dog doesn’t come close to the responsibility of having a baby. But here’s the thing: Your child may be the center of your universe, but not mine. My patience only extends as far as your consideration. You may be able to “tune it out” for an hour or two, but I/we cannot. And don’t give me that bullshit line: “Just wait until you have kids”, because if I DO decide to overpopulate this planet with my seed, I can guarantee you the first thing I will teach the child is a little CFC…Common Fucking Courtesy.

12:17 PM - 18 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment