Isn’t Knowledge Wonderful? (the decadent lifestyle of Pato Banton)

At the height of his fame, Pato Banton would dine on the flesh of a dozen lion cubs then wash it down with a flaggon of molten gold.

While recording 'Baby Come Back', Pato Banton would gain inspiration by wrapping himself in the Shroud of Turin.

When he arrived in Azerbaijan, Pato Banton paid local prostitutes to throw themselves onto the runway to cushion the landing of his private jet.

To heat his citadel, Pato Banton would use a baby oil generator with fuel supplied from a local hospital.

When suffering from a severe bout of depression, Pato Banton destroyed an abbey with a mammoth's tusk. 

To ride around his thousand-acre estate, Pato Banton liked to mount a 12ft tall, genetically modified crab.

Until the age of 19, Pato Banton was breastfed by his father whose mammory glands secreted butter.

Perfectionist, Pato Banton, paid an undisclosed amount of money to be allowed to record himself burning down the Vatican. It was recorded then speeded up and sampled so it could be made into the first drumbeat of his new hit single, 'Bubbling Hot'. When questioned he said that nothing else would fit in with the song.

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Isn’t Knowledge Wonderful? (crime and punishment)

Cameron Diaz is barred from the Isle of Wight after a remark she made whilst visiting the Shanklin Leisure Centre.

Brad Pitt once saw a man put a mouse in a shoe box and shake it to death..... He liked it.

Apart from being an accomplished dancer, Christopher Walken can also accurately spit at an apple on top of an old woman's head from 60 yards.

Theoretically, Tom Cruise could use his hands to strangle a child though, realistically, he is more likely to use them to open jars on behalf of old women.

Jacko from 'Brush Strokes' believes that love is like a fine wine, hence he keeps his wife in a rack in his cellar.

Diana Ross' beachside palace had to be pulled down when the authorities found out that it was made of superglue and tits.

According to Hollywood rumour, Richard Dreyfuss won his role in 'Jaws' after massaging gravy into Steven Spielberg's scalp.

According to a recent report, Florida is about to adopt a new method of execution. Facts are still unclear but sources say it involves powder, a small Cocker Spaniel and an unsettling feeling of regret.

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Isn’t Knowledge Wonderful? (science and technology)

Eddie Murphy plans to be the first celebrity to marry a robot on live TV. His greatest fear is that the priest will slip up in a puddle of his brides oily tears.

Bill Gates aims to develop a computer game so life like that when people finish it their hearts stop beating.

Scientists predict that by 3002 the face of the entertainment industry will look very different. An expert said that it will probably be a metal face, and its eyes will light up when audiences applaud.

Producers at ITV hope that by the end of the decade they will be able to have the first robotic actor on television. Inside sources have said that the first android character makes an appearance in The Bill. It helps solve a case involving some counterfeit car batteries and a murder in the local branch of Tandy.

Kathleen Turner's favourite computer password is JEWELS.

The word 'future' is to be removed from the dictionary by 2056 as this will, technically, be the future and the word will no longer be needed. Films will also have to be renamed; 'Future Cop' is to be renamed 'Time Romp' and 'Back to the Future' is to be renamed 'Tears of a Renegade'.

By dangling a cat off a wishing well, Andi Peters is able to accurately tell the time.

The most popular font in the world is the one used in the opening credits of 'Murder She Wrote'.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch can no more receive letters from another world through her toaster than I can piss marbles.

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Isn’t Knowledge Wonderful? (around the world with the celebrities)

The Germans consider celebrity status to be so deeply upsetting that the famous are allowed to register themselves as a charity.

Sweden has the highest percentage of celebrities in Europe, and with good reason - stars are entitled to sizably larger butter rations than everyone else.

The most attractive celebrity in Ireland is a man called Sheridan Hartnett. He is so beautiful that no Irish woman can ever be truly happy.

In Argentina, everyone takes turns to be famous. The system worked well until it was abused by a horse pretending to be a waiter from Buenos Aries.

In renaissance Italy, celebrities were made from teak and had faces of brass.

The most famous TV chef in Spain has a small robot that lives inside his moustache. Their relationship turned sour when the robot interfered with the chef's wife.


In Sao Paulo, a public holiday is declared whenever Brad Pitt is photographed eating a Twix.

The oldest living celebrity in Croatia is 319 years old, and shot to fame after he killed a bear. He later fell from public favour in 1832, when someone sketched him cheating on his pregnant wife.

Harvey Keitel is unable to tune a guitar, after a childhood incident involving a mariachi and a wasp.

The combined height of the cast of the Portugese TV sketch show 'Como Errado S Meu Dia!' ('How Wrong Is My Day') is equal to the distance a tractor can drive in seven seconds.

Most Turkish celebrities regularly dream of  sailing a thimble full of ants across an oily puddle. Only one in two hundred actually achieve this dream.

At night, Angelina Jolie turns into a type of green vapour.

The DVD edition of 'Cocktail' contains an extra scene in which Tom Cruise flicks an extra strong mint at two builders.

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The Duchess

Liam came in really pissed one night (back when we had the flat in Albert) and me, Jo, Debs, Leighton and Cabbage were watching Louis Theroux's documentary on Sir Jimmy Saville. We were a bit pissed too but nowhere near as bad as Liam.

After it had finished, while the rest of us talked about Saville's mother, who he 'affectionately' called the Duchess, Liam couldn't decide whether he should go to bed or make a paper Sir Jimmy mask(!).

Obviously, he stayed up and created while the rest of us laughed our tits off at him. When he was done, he donned the mask, complete with big paper cigar and jewelry, and we recorded 'The Duchess Pts 1 & 2'.

For the first and only time, I played the spoons.

It was very late.

I'll put up part 2 sometime soon-ish. 

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Isn't Knowledge Wonderful? (celebrities)

Puff Daddy once dropped a fork at a barbeque after hearing a car backfire.

If you kill a cast member of 'Will and Grace', they secrete a fluid that attracts sparrows.

When he was twelve, Tom Hanks stood on a hosepipe in order to soak a gardener.

Val Kilmer won the Rambo trilogy video boxset after coming first in a pub quiz in Heaton.

Brian Connelly once wore a nappy to a funeral for comic effect.

Honey is Michael Aspel's second favourite substance - he won't say what his favourite is in case people use it to lure him out of his warren.

Ainsley Harriot has the hands of a jackal but wears latex over them when he is on the telly.

Jimmy Saville's reputation as a hard man is based on his unnerving habit of eating his enemies teeth.

Jim Carrey has a deformed penis that resembles Coolio's hair.

In real life, former 'Eastenders' star Todd Carty (Mark Fowler) is not HIV+.

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Isn't Knowledge Wonderful? (hobbies and pastimes)

Star of stage and screen, Gary Wilmot is an avid collector of paperweights. The largest one he has in his collection is three foot by six foot and made out of light green glass and contains the preserved body of a sexless child.

James Task has the largest collection of tears on earth. His favourites are the ones he collected from a young Dennis Norden when he saw a small kitten sneeze and a bottle he obtained from an old Russian woman who had seen too much of the world.

When singer songwriter Billy Joel buys a new mansion he likes to celebrate by kicking a puma to bits with a pair of giant boots then lighting up the sky with over a thousand fireworks.

Albert Manfred from Sheffield has been given a special royal privilege to collect the last sighs of the dying. He travels from hospital to hospice in a van and at the moment of passing, locks his mouth around the patient's like a perverted baby suckling. He intends to literally become paradise by inhaling people's souls.

Tedward Adams, who is only three inches in height, is used to test what the insides of vases are like. He is paid a handsome sum for his opinions.

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Isn't Knowledge Wonderful? (introduction)

Take a look at the world around you, the bountiful handiwork of Mother Nature. Stop and listen to the shrill call of the guillemot or see the sun rise in the eyes of a child.

In this book you will find the many wonders of the natural world. From the animal kingdom to celebrity facts and stats, this book has it all.

So kick off those tight fitting work shoes and slip into some comfy loafers as you prepare to wander through the corridors of knowledge...

You won't be disappointed...

4:23 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Pit

'The Pit', as mentioned in 'The Pilot Man', is a pub from a dream. It lies on the other side of the Metro lines where Wallsend reluctantly meets Walker in an area that doesn't actually exist. Such is the nature of dreams. Gary and Leighton were there one afternoon (all in a dream, remember) and found the downstairs full of the kind of whores you see in Carry On Dick. The upstairs was even more spit and sawdust with people dossing about all over the place and three rusty toilets (in use) at one end of the room. The perfect setting for telling the tale of the Pilot Man.

Gary and Leighton got chased out of the Pit by angry folk!

In the dream!

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