brendan’s acting update...
Current mood: accomplished

things have been going really well recently, so i thought i'd throw a quick acting update out there...
1) still doing the finding fred savage series with my buddy josh. we are on pins and needles as we may have a chance to interview fred coming up soon.
2) i mentioned in a blog post a while back that i got a cool supporting role in a british themed gangster film called "Tic". it finally wrapped 2 weeks ago after being on hiatus for about a month. i put some pics up of the 1967 mustang i got to roll in.
i don't know what's going to happen to it, but from the footage i've seen it looks great.
3) i was on a bit of a commercial hot streak earlier. my eggbeaters commercial has been getting lots of play, and i have my fingers crossed that it will be renewed for a 3rd cycle. the first 2 cycles have been bountiful.
4) i also shot a PSA where i got to have a little capuchin monkey on my shoulder the whole time which was great (there's pics of that too).
5) additionally, i shot a dominos commercial which is only airing in a few markets, one of which is minnesota (where i'm from). so it's cool that my family and friends back home have gotten to see it even though i haven't.
6) i shot a bud light commercial which will be a national once it starts airing. keep your eyes out for a commecial with a karate demonstration going on. that's mine.
7) i've been working on a short film where i get to play a piano prodigy. i taught myself how to play growing up, but i'm not great. i've been able to take lessons though and thanks to a kind soul named russell i've had a beautiful keyboard in my apt. for the last 2 months, so i've been playing every single day, and loving it.
it's a small short film, but it's a great story about a young man who walks away from all the success and bright future he had after a car accident kills his dog and his girlfriend betrays him. it's told through flashback so there's an older version of me (note: i don't get any weight in 20 years...yaaaay) which is cool.

and lastly...

8) just this week i booked a lead role in a webseries called Overkill: A Love Story. the creators produced and wrote for both that 70's show and kitchen confidential, among other things. they put together a great story, and i get to play the husband of allison munn (carpoolers, what i like about you) and the son-in-law of tom arnold. it's a goofy romantic comedy about a convicted serial killer and the woman who falls in love with him. He gets released on a technicality and ends up moving in with his new wife and her parents...who are mortified. we're shooting 4 episodes over the next 3 days, and then we'll wait and see. if it turns out great (which it should because it's fricken' hilarious) and gets some buzz we'll get to shoot a whole bunch more this fall. i don't quite understand how budgeted web series work (i know how no budget web series work out (pretty great!), thebigshoe.tv), so we'll have to see how it shakes out.

and that's everything acting wise. 2008 has been the best ever so far. i'm hopefully going to be taking part in a production of "Macbeth" again too. those of you who know me from back when remember the last "Macbeth" i did right?  man that was a sexy play...

anyway, that's that. i have more laws of life waiting to be written, i'll get to them soon i swear.  one of them involves toothpaste...

peace out.

~b

Currently reading : Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . One School at a Time By Greg Mortenson

3:59 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Brendan’s Embarrassing Admission of the week
Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Pets and Animals

i finally realized for the first time that "dachshund" reffered to the "dot-son" weiner dog.
i had no idea...and i feel pretty stupid for never figuring that out.

but i'm not ashamed to admit it...

i know nothing about german, and still harbour a but of a grudge against the people for 1935-1945. is that wrong?


peace out,

~b

Currently reading : Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . One School at a Time By Greg Mortenson

10:25 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

The Return of the Blog...and 10 things
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

so about 3 days ago i spent 40 minutes writing out a long blog. i was done. seriously done. just re-reading it when my finger grazed this button on my mouse that i've never used. it's right below the mouse wheel and inbetween the right and left buttons. it has a picture of two rectangles on it. the result of my finger grazing this mysterious button was that my back button was activated on my browser and all of my writing vanished. of course hitting the forward button didn't make it re-appear. so i lost it all, and got really mad. so i'm going to try again.
i'm on hold for a couple things. not expecting to get either, but even if i landed one i'd have some paying work lined up for the summer, which would be nice.

ok, here are 10 random things i've been thinking about

1) you'd be amazed at how much more efficient your typing can be if you leave out capitalization. try it sometime. capitalization is not really necessary if the writing isn't formal, and you can type much faster. i've been doing it for years. you'll never go back.
2) there are 3 commercials playing on tv right now that drive me crazy and make me want to cut someone. here they are
    a) a woman is doing a voice over for time warner cable and says the following (in the most patronizing, melodramatic, voice possible): "it's all so complicated. i have one company for my cable tv, another for my internet and phone, and both are trying to nickel and dime me to death. HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOW DO YOU GET THROUGH YOUR DAY?! YOU HAVE TWO DIFFERENT COMPANIES FOR YOUR INTERNET AND CABLE?! I CAN'T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THAT! YOU MUST BE AT WIT'S END! what a monumentally dumb commercial. 2 service providers instead of 1 is not complicated. unless you have the intellectual capacity of a 4 year old. horrible commercial.
    b) there is a commercial for del taco with a guy standing in line with his girlfriend. all of a sudden she asks to share a quesadilla and this loud, screaming, tiny man in a horrible beast outfit appears on his shoulder, chanting and dancing in the most obnoxious possible way. and what's he screaming over and over? "feed the beast. feed the beast. feed the beast. now, i work a decent amount commercially, and i know how good the money is. BUT, i just don't know if i could strap on the beast beard, and jump around and scream like that. to know that millions of people would see me on their tv in their home and get a little sick in their mouth would really mess with my head. when the writers (if you can call them that) drew up the commercial, they knew what they were doing. they wanted the most annoying thing possible. and i resent them for that. and del taco. i resent del taco also...
    c) there is a bar full of pigs, and a beautiful woman. one of the pigs sitting at the bar with the woman excuses himself and goes to the restroom, where he buys a condom. when he returns to the bar to sit next to the woman he is now a beautiful man and she is interested. THANK YOU TROJAN!! SO TRUE! WHAT A GREAT MESSAGE! THERE'S NO WAY THIS GUY IS A PIG! BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE JUST MET THIS CHICK AND PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW HER LAST NAME AND WON'T CALL HER EVER AGAIN HE IS ACTUALLY A GENTLEMAN BECAUSE HE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AND SPENT 50 CENTS ON A NOVELTY CONDOM! ALL THESE OTHER PIGS IN THE BAR JUST WANTED TO BAREBACK THIS CHICK AND LEAVE HER, BUT YOU SIR, WELL, YOU REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU DESERVE TO BE SALUTED IN A COMMERCIAL. i mean shit trojan, think about the implications of that commercial. i certainly have no problem with people hooking up and everything, it's just to imply that buying a condom in the bathroom is what seperates you from pigs, that's what i can't swallow. stop pretending that it's not shallow and hedonistic, and do not pretend like there's something noble about it. go ahead and encourage it, i'm fine with that. but it's the delusional attitude of the behavior that pisses me off...
3) with all that being said, here's a great commercial to juxtapose with these horrible ones. oh, and i happen to be in it. http://www.eggbeaters.com/downloads/index.jsp
they finally put it online, so you can get your brendan fix. my ford commercial is still on youtube too, if you type in ford and bold moves.
4) my buddy josh is filming his attempt to meet and interview fred savage. i help him out in a couple episodes. you can watch them all at thebigshoe.tv or just type in "finding fred savage" on you tube. episode 1 is on my myspace page, but episode 3 is the funniest. in the next episode that we are going to film, josh and i are going to "break into" a studio lot (where fred will be filming), and see if we can run into Fred Savage.
5) Jon Stewert is not funny. i was shocked to discover this, as i've been watching his show on and off for years, but when i actually paid attention to what he was doing and saying, it became pretty clear: the man isn't funny. he uses a high pitched voice way too often, he laughs at all his own stuff, and just plays striaght man to the real comedians on the show, the correspondants. my thanks to tina fay for bringing this to my attention. she ripped on him in an interview, and i got mad at her, then realized that she is brilliant so maybe i should investigate. yup, she's right. watch colbert and it becomes even clearer. his satire is much better, he actually has a character that is truly funny, and his segments like "threat down" and tonight's "word" are better than anything stewert has.
6) getting back to commercials for a second, i'm a little embarrassed to admit this but the last 2 songs i've purchased from itunes have been ones i've heard on commercials. i can't believe i'm finding new songs from commercials, but i had never heard "relax max" before, and i LOVE that song. also "california soul" is featured in a dockers commercial and that song rocks too. so, i'm perhaps not very hip with music, but damn i found two great songs thanks to commercials.
7) Grand Theft Auto IV is pretty fun. i've done things on that game which actually make me feel GUILTY, and which i am not comfortable writing about. which is both a testament to the game and my issues. but the open world which is identical to NYC is pretty rad.  i would reccomend it to any person with lots of free time on their hands.
8) how 'bout my boy obama? i used to like hillary, but i'm really really sick of her negativity. anytime i hear a candidate say "who cares what the ECONOMISTS say" i get a little pissed. her stupid, gimmicky gas tax holiday was unanimously panned by experts, and her comeback is something that implies that they are elitist and out of touch with the working man, something she also accuses obama of being. how very republican of her. it's dirty, and embarrassing. she doesn't deserve to be VP. john edwards does. he can help barack connect with the lunch pail white people that hillary claims to own, and he's more sincere and genuine.
and how crazy old is mccain?  i can't wait to see these two debate. some crusty ol' white guy who says "my friends" at the start of  every sentence, and barack obama, a young attractive black man, and the most inspirational leader of my young life. does that sound like a fair matchup to you?
9) i'm not super into poetry. i don't know anything about it, and it seems a little pompous and "elitist" (ha!). however, there is a female poet who i think is amazing. really really cool. her name is Dorianne Laux. check her out somtime. i think it's the only poetry book i've purchased in my life, and i bought two of her books.
10) "no country for old men" sucked. yes it did. you don't build tension between the two main characters like that, and then relieve the tension in the way they did. it's not good story telling to deal with josh brolin's character like that. it was cowardly, not arty. and it was unsastifactory. and you don't end a film like that either. how dare you. you remember my "law of life" about having exactly 12 seconds to share a dream you had? Tommy Lee Jones owes me like $20. i was so pissed at him for that. the coen brothers are brilliant. their problem with the film was they went page by page from the book. they didn't put enough of their interpretation on it. had the changed it to suit their style, i could have supported a few oscars for it. but "There Will Be Blood" absolutely blew that film out of the water.

that's all for now. hopefully i won't wait 3 months to write again.

peace out,

~b

11:19 AM - 10 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

4 things
Current mood: breezy
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

the 10 things segment has been shortened down to 4 for this entry.
here we go, 4 random things i'm thinking about.

1) after a good, healthy drought of actual film work, i was cast in an actual film. what makes me extra happy is that it is a SAG film so i don't have to use any fake names or have an ethical dilemma about hurting the overall goal of the union, and it's a gangster movie. the main characters are black men from the UK (lennie james from "jericho" and "snatch" and treva etienne from "pirates of the blah blah"), and there are lots of guns, drugs, and money. those are usually my favorite kind of films to watch. what's even cooler is that i'm not playing a stoner/slacker/crackhead/loser character. i actually read for the crackhead part too...but they saw me differently. so now i get to play a character i've never played before and may never get to play again.  so yay, that's cool. the film is called "Tic" and it has potential. so i get to shoot the first week of march and that's happy news.
2) i don't want to make fun of this dorky host from the CPK, but here's what happened. I went in to eat lunch by myself  (which happens all the time, and i've grown quite comfortable with it) and  he sat me at a big booth.  he then opened up the alcohol menu (it was 12:00pm) and told me that NewCastle was the featured beer today. As i'm always tempted to drink i said "oh really, so what does it mean to be the featured beer?" to which he stared at me, paused for 5 full seconds and then stammered out "it means it's our favorite." i said "it's your favorite beer today?" and he said "yes." then i said "so does that mean there's some sort of special or discount?". and he paused again and said "no." and walked away. now i'd like to think that his long pauses inbetween my answers were because he was realizing how stupid it was to call some item featured and special and then have no reason and no discount or special for that item. his boss simply picked something off their menu and said "tell people this is featured today."  but my crack detective work broke through their solid attempt to get me to drink.
unfortunately he didn't realize how stupid it was because he sat 3 different tables around me and told them all about this amazing featured beer. no one asked him any questions, and no one ordered it.
i guess my point is if you are going to make something "featured"...have a fricken reason. today i'm featuring my new tommy hilfinger pull-over...because it's chilly out. today i'm featuring my greasy hair...because i don't want to shower. today i'm featuring my kenneth cole watch. why? oh, because it's my favorite today.
doofus.
3) so john mccain boinked a lobbyist. so what? she's cute, she liked him, she's old enough to know what she's doing. don't freak out on him. don't you remember 10 years ago and how the GOP tried to crucify the best president in the last 50 years? remember how mad we got at them? so, play fair. don't be a hypocrite. at least she wasn't an intern. and this happened 9 years ago. come on. leave him alone. at least on that. if anything i'm impressed. dude is in his 70's. i can only hope blonde women in their 40's will find me that irresistible when i'm pushing 75. on top of that, the thing i liked about mccain is that the far right hates him. that made me think he can't be too bad. now? ha. even better. he just moved one step closer to becoming a democrat with this sex scandal. good for you john, good for you. Poor Mitt Romney must be crushed. if only he had stayed in a couple extra weeks look what could have happened to him.
4) i fantasize about murdering the garbage truck men and the landscaper people that wake me up every day between 6-7 am. not in a real murdering way...i can't even kill an animal, truth be told i sometimes can't kill bugs if they're over a certain size...but i mean in a way that helps me get the rage out and get back to bed. i hate them so much. and i know they are just doing their jobs and putting food on the table, but i still want to shoot a double-barrled shotgun into their chest for inconveneancing my life every day. no i'm not threatening anyone, but if you deal with this daily you know exactly how i feel. i think it could be a darkly funny short film...maybe animated. i'm gonna work on that. and maybe i should see a therapist...

that's it for now. i'm going to chicago this weekend, vegas next weekend, and minnesota at the end of march. looking forward to all the time away from work.

peace out,

~b

Currently listening : Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds: Live at Radio City Music Hall [Blu-ray] Release date: 04 September, 2007

1:21 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

10 things...plus a law of life
Current mood: aggravated

these are not connected to each other, but are worth mentioning cause they've either happened to me recently or i've been thinking about them...

1) Ron Paul called me yesterday. He asked for my vote in the upcoming primary. He requested that i register as a republican and vote for him. i asked him how he got my number but he just forged right ahead, talking about the need to get all our troops out of Iraq. i told him i agreed but i really wanted to get back to how he got my cell phone number, because that's kind of a private thing ya know? but he just kept talking, right over me, about how he's the only true conservative that can reverse the damage the current administration has inflicted. again, i agreed with him, but since he wouldn't tell me how he got my number, i asked him how some one so obsessed with personal liberty could also be against letting people privately love whomever they want and not be discriminated against or receive the same benefits as other people in love. well i really nailed him on that cause he switched topics and went on about how the IRS needs to be abolished. i told him i agreed but if he wasn't going to address any of my issues with him i wasn't going to vote for him. he thanked me for my time and hung up.
i think i got to him.
if i voted for a republican it would be ron paul. he is right about a lot of things. and i hope people listen to him. but holy crap if he isn't really really wrong about a few things. aside from writing descrimination into the constitution he's a little kooky about all the governmental programs he would abolish...like the department of education.
anyway, tomorrow i am going to march down to my precinct and vote for barak obama. i was an edwards guy, but now being forced to choose between the two remaining, i choose obama. he is inspiring...even if i think he's too good to be true.
if you don't vote tomorrow i think you're dumb, unless you're not eligible to vote. this is too important to be blazee and apathetic about. go vote. even if it's for ron paul.
how the hell did he get my cell number? i never get telemarketing calls.
2) the people that deny evolution are the most monkey-like people alive.
denying evolution..."primitive" thinking at its best, no? plus i saw ted haggard throw his poo at a jew one time...
i'm friends with people that deny evolution, but it is still utterly ridiculous...and one is running for president. and he won iowa. congrats iowa, you've moved up my list of worst states in the country to just below mississippi.
3) jack of all trades...master of none. unfortunately i think this may apply to me. i'm trying to fix that. my friend peter has a business card. it says "purveyer of many services" and then lists 3 services that he can actually claim to purvey at a professional level. can you list 3 services you could purvey to people and list on a business card? my 3 would probably be acting coach, political analyst, and tennis instructer. and i'm not sure i've earned those 3...this is a great exercise for all of you...try it. what services would you honestly purvey?
4) "still waters run deep". i've frequently been accused of being unemotional or cold. some say it's because i'm an aquarius. those people believe that because my parents had sex in late april 1981 i have trouble opening up. ok astrologers, i guess you can think that when my parents get busy affects my personality. but anyway, i love this expression. it's a perfect analogy for how a person's calm exterior often conceals great depths of character, just as the deepest streams often have the smoothest surfaces. i don't claim to have great depths of character, but i know people i'm close to that do...and they get accused of the same thing.
5) my book is almost done. we've got people that are going to read it, but i keep making changes, and then getting feedback and making more changes. we had a fairly successful writer/producer read it, and it was freaky. i think it's because i'm a little scared about having "professionals" read a book that my writing partner and i wrote...because we aren't "professionals". but at some point, i just have to say "fuck it" and put it out there.  that point is very near.
6) I HATE TOM PETTY. there, i said it. get over it. his voice is terrible. he can't sing for shit. his songs are not interesting, and they are always overplayed. i'm so sick of feeling like everyone loves him and so i should too...after i heard "last dance for maryjane" i swore him off forever. he sucks. can we please move on?
7) i hate reality TV with a fiery passion. it's drivel. it's cheap, requires no thought, strips jobs away from real actors on real shows, promotes fame whores, promotes generally stupid people, and strips jobs away from real writers on real shows. and it's still all completely staged and fake. i wish it would go away for ever. can you imagine all the potentially kick ass shows we would have if "hogan knows best" or "whatever-the-sex-tape-kardashian-bitch's-show-is-called" or "simmons family jewels" or "lame-model-competition-show" weren't on the air? the occasional competition based show gets a pass, because it rewards people with actual talent.
8) i'm getting old. life happens fast. it went at a snail's pace in colllege, and then holy shit i'm 26. no one at my college would know me, save for maybe 6 professors. i have these weird moments now and then were i'm thinking "i'm alive. i am a living thing that is living and is alive. i exist. i am breathing and living on earth. i have a life." and so on. it's weird. maybe i'm just a freak, but those moments of cognizance are strange...i don't know if i described that accurately, but it's like instead of just living, you start thinking about how you are actually alive, living a life....ugh...nevermind.
9) it helps to remind yourself that everyone has issues. most of the time many people go around feeling like most people have it together and they're hanging on by a thread. but we forget that all we're seeing from most people is the exterior image of together-ness, not what's really going on underneath. and that's what they see of us. you're not looking at the inner shit that they are dealing with. if you were, you'd either run far away from them, laugh and feel better about yourself, or cry at their pain. remind yourself about that and it's comforting.
"everyone's crazy except for you and me, and i'm not so sure about you"
10) confidence is intoxicating. arrogance is nauseating. the two are so close to each other, but the effects are opposites. what a fine line to walk. i bet i've made people nauseous.   

that's all for now. and for those of you who made it all the way through, thank you, and here's a law of life for your pains...


LAW OF LIFE 3  -- If you are a professional, have a professional email

maybe it's weird of me, but i look at actor's resumes when i'm at auditions. if they have it out, i stare at it and compare it to mine. i also look at all the email addresses when people send me mass emails. i appreciate that i'm weird. but i'm always shocked by the number of people that use the worst email addresses for professional, thousands of dollars at stake, real world employment type situations. how can you expect a casting director to take you seriously when right at the top of your professional acting resume is the email address "mylittlepony1982lol@dipshit.com"? it's fine to have a stupid old email address. we all do. but for christsakes, get one for the big-boy world. this happens at my restaurant too...people are applying to work at an upscale beverly hills restaurant, and we can contact them at "sweety_sunshine_rainbows_unicorns_i'm 15-years old and not cool@hotmail.com"
act professional in a casting room or job interview. have a profesional resume. act like an f-ing professional if you want people to think of you as one. that includes having a normal, business related email.


peace out,

~b

Currently listening : Frank By Amy Winehouse Release date: 20 November, 2007

9:14 PM - 6 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

things that make you look smarter: a brainstorm
Current mood: anxious

i was eating out at "eat well" on santa monica blvd. when i saw a guy who looked really smart. i was bored and alone so i started a list of things i thought made people look smarter. here they are, and i'm hoping people will add funny/interesting things i did not think of.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

1) writing in public
2) bow ties (some, not the clown kind)
3) glasses (most)
4) pipes (as in 1950's man pondering something)
5) reading in public
6) polysyllabic words in your speech
7) being surrounded by books
8) an expensive briefcase
9) a hybrid (debatable)
10) a newspaper under your arm
11) a seer-sucker suit
12) having a journal (not a diary)
13) cufflinks
14) lab coats
15) being in a bookstore
16) getting a ticket thrown out in court
*these next two apply to looking smarter to yourself*
17) saying "I know" when someone tells you something
18) finishing other people's sentences
19) being either very liberal or very conservative (in a non-religious way)
20) singing in a choir
21) getting promoted
22) gold stars (*for people aged 11 years or less*)
23) having good diction
24) owning shoe-horns
25) not living in mississippi
26) telling people you don't have a TV in your house
27) subscribing to the Wall Street Journal
28) having a degree in philosophy, or anything other than theater
29) knowing how to change your own oil
30) hailing from london, paris, or berlin, or tokyo
31) being able to actively quote anyone from the 19th century
32) not having a myspace or facebook page
33) playing the piano well
34) not text messaging
35) not putting ketchup on your breakfast
36) having a business card
37) having earned initials after your name on your business card
38) having a pilot's license
39) drinking a glass of red wine
40) being fluent in a language other than english
41) drinking anything out of a snifter
42) playing chess
43) watching Charlie Rose

that's all i could come up with in my short meal at eat well. please feel free to add things that make you look smarter, or make you feel smarter...

something really messed up happened at my apt. today. i was going to write about it but i'm going to wait until i get all the information before i do.

peace out,

b

Currently watching : La Vie en Rose (Extended Version) Release date: 13 November, 2007

1:07 AM - 16 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

when it rains it pours...
Current mood: giddy
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

out of all those wise sayings that everyone repeats, my favorite is "still waters run deep". i'll write about that later.
but perhaps my 2nd favorite is "when it rains it pours" 'cause that happens to me every time it rains.
i booked another job that shoots tomorrow. i just got home from a 16 hour day and have to be in ponoma at 6:30am tomorrow.
yaaaay, but a little boo!

that is all.

g'nite

zombie/vampire kid. (as if my dark circles under my eyes need to be reinforced with even less sleep)

Currently listening : Life in Cartoon Motion By Mika Release date: 27 March, 2007

11:45 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

December’s Laws of Life
Current mood: happy
Category: Life

hello,

i've got some new laws for you.
first, here's a brief life update.

1)i booked a job finally. it's a national commercial for EggBeaters, the greatest egg substitute in the history of food...as far as i'm concerned. i shoot on wednesday. this will provide me some much needed work, and more importantly, $$$$. so yippy.
2) i briefly spoke with sarah jessica parker today. i wasn't sure if i had a crush on her, now i am sure. i have a crush on SJP. she was warm, sweet, and very very cute. and i will see the movie, because i watched the show in college, and because i believe she is a good person that treats people with kindness.
3) the strike is not even close to being resolved. now, 2008 is starting to look really, really scary. there will be NO TV at all, and movies will be slim and shitty. so what's left? theater and commercials...i'm thinking about joining actor's equity...
4) i bought mika's cd. it was only $10 at Target so i made an impluse buy (a future law). it's infectious. i can't stop humming 4 of the songs or listening to them over and over. i don't even know if i should recommend it because it's just so damn catchy. i don't usually listen to pop music, but i gotta say, i like this mika album. overall it's hit and miss but at least 5 of the songs are absolute keepers. at $2 a song, i'm happy with my purchase.

ok, onto the laws. here they are, in no particular order, randomly selected from my upcoming book "Brendan's Laws of Life". this first one is a big one, so there are only two this time, plus a bonus holiday law from earlier this year.

1 - - IF YOU VALUE YOUR CAR AT ALL, YOU SHALL NOT PUT BUMPER STICKERS ON IT.
 
so i'm driving to the theater to do my show (if you don't know what show i'm in, you're not paying attention to me and i'm a little bit hurt.) when i pull up to one of the worst stop lights in all of los angeles...franklin and highland. unfortunately for me i have to deal with this intersection anytime i want to access the 101. it's permanantly under construction, and permanantly backed up. there's hollywood bowl traffic, hollywood blvd traffic, and freeway traffic. it's a nightmare. so i pull up behind a hummer. normally, i would make a judgement in my mind about the person driving it without really knowing the person, which some may think isn't wise. however, this jackass really let me know who they were...with a wonderful bumper sticker. right there on the rear bumper was a picture of the flag with the clever sentence "it wasn't earned to be burned". so many thoughts went through my head that i had to get a pencil. first and foremost...
a) is flag burning such a serious epidemic in the united states that we need to all take a stand on it and let everyone know how we feel about it on our bumpers? are hippies lighting up flags on every corner in san francisco and oregon? am i missing something? when was the last time you heard of someone burning a flag? have you ever met anyone who knows someone who has seen a flag being burned? i haven't. this is an extremely rare event that does not warrant bumper sticker status. here we are at one of the most devisive times in memory and people still aren't torching flags.
b) i'd rather someone burn a flag than buy and drive a Hummer. you're gas-guzzling, carbon emitting, oversized, embarrassing, SUV/military hybrid is the perfect symbol of over-doing it. the only time it's ok to have a Hummer is if you are in the military or you leave in a region of the country where the Hummer's design would be beneficial to your getting around...i.e. Minnesota winters, mountain ranges, etc. southern california, particularly Los Angeles, does not qualify. I am sorry. if you drive a Hummer and live in LA, you are making the world a worse place for no good reason at all, other than you think it looks tough. and that's not good enough.
c) "it wasn't earned to be burned". YES IT WAS! DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING?! the entire point of the 1st amendment of the constitution (it's first for a reason) is to protect the rights of people to express themselves freely. and if lighting up a cloth with some stars and stripes is how they choose to do that, you've gotta somehow live with it. is it stupid? definately. offensive? check. advisable? nope. extremely disrespectful to veterans? hell yes. legal? you bet your ass. because we "earned" the right to burn it. and putting a bumper sticker on your hummer saying the exact opposite is very indicative to me of your fundamental lack of understanding of the country that you are helping to pollute with your over-sized testosterone machine. but because i actually do believe in freedom, i will support your ability to vote for mike huckabee and any ballot initiative that removes all restrictions on every single kind of automatic weapon...because, you know, the second amendment gives militias the right to secure and carry arms...and it's safe to assume that the founding fathers thought militias would actually be a term that could include every citizen, and they could also forsee how automatic weapons would develop and fit into our modern society...but i digress with heavy sarcasm...
so as the light turned green, and this proud american citizen didn't notice because he was talking on his cell phone, i politely tapped my horn and decided that bumper stickers are a stupid idea. if you are supporting a candidate, that bumper sticker will be permantly obselete in a matter of months. if you are cracking a joke, it will almost certainly become old in a matter of months. if you are boasting of your 11 year old's intellectual prowess, you have the intellectual prowess of an 11 year old. a bumper sticker decreases the value of your car.
now, if you don't care about your car, like if you own a junker or one that will be replaced soon, by all means, adorn it with hilarious jokes about honking and reloading, or how no one rides for free (gas, grass, or ass), or how some over-exaggerated problem of flag burning needs to be stamped out by stamping out the constitution. but if value your car, and if you don't want to randomly piss people off, then leave the profound, *funny*, pro-war, pro-peace, pro-nader bumper stickers off your ride.

71 **MEN ONLY** WHEN GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN PUBLIC YOU WILL CHOOSE THE URINAL FARTHEST AWAY FROM ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING.

my friend nate brought this to my attention. some men actually don't think about this when they enter a restroom. they are so carefree and off in their own world that they neglect to consider that saddling up next to another guy when there are plenty of open urinals may make someone feel awkward. just because it doesn't make you feel awkward doesn't mean it won't make someone else feel awkward. stay away. we should only be peeing right next to each other if there is absolutely no other way around it. in fact, if 2 of the 3 urinals are full and a stall is open, take the stall dude. stay away unless there is no helping it! also, don't talk to me! at least now while we're both right next to each other pissing. wait 'til one of us is hand washing or in a stall. it's just weird, ok? if i'm alone in a restroom and i have someone walk-in, choose the urinal right next to me, and start in with some conversation about the patriot's game, you think i'm gonna be able to comfortable enough to relieve myself? hell no! everyone has a different level of shyness (or stagefright), and you have to respect that. even though it's a "public" restroom, the bathroom is still a "private" place.  respect people's privacy. now of course, if this is some sort of notorious alternative life-style hangout, and there are codes involving foot-tapping and the like, then please disregard this rule and enjoy yourself. i encourage that. i don't think your guilty of anything mr. craig, except hypocrisy and self-hate.

BONUS LAW REPEAT FOR THE HOLIDAYS
please keep this one in mind as you enjoy yourself over the new year...

88 You have until January 16th to wish someone a happy new year.
-on January 21st someone came into the restaurant that i work at and wished me a happy new year. i stared at them blankly. are they serious? well i guess they must have been, but it was wildly inappropriate. i don't care that you haven't seen me in 9 weeks, that doesn't mean you can wish me a happy Thanksgiving, St. Nick's, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's, President's, and St. Patrick's Day. If it is not New Year's or close to it, then sorry dude, you missed your chance. Maybe if you see me within 3 weeks of the event you can talk to me about it. it should be noted that the 16th is the deadline for people that know each other. If you are just randomly using that greeting with people you have 7 days.

***and remember to not have more than 2 glasses of champagne this holiday season, or vomit and/or severe hangover will follow.

that's all people. as always, discussion and disagreement is always encouraged.

peace out.

~b

Currently reading : Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life By Steve Martin Release date: 20 November, 2007

8:34 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

10 thoughts
Current mood: busy

1) For the first time since leaving Minneapolis, MN, i am doing theater. i moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in acting. my goal is to make money doing what i love. so i left theater behind, because i didn't think i could make a career of it. i stopped auditioning for theater in LA, 'cause it doesn't pay. well, after a slow 2007, i decided i wanted to be involved in something creative again. enter Twist: the musical. we open on saturday at the Avery Shreiber Theater in North Hollywood. i have a small part, but it's a brand new show with a lot of potential and a talented cast. alexandra billings (a steppenwolf member, acting teacher, and author) is phenomenal in the leading role and worth the price of admission alone. it's a cultish, campy, over-the-top, risque, adult-oriented show, but it's going to be dynomite. i would reccommend you check it out if you are in the los angeles area over the month of december. twist is one of my top friends if you want to see who else is in it and/or get more info.
2) i had to make out with 2 different women for an audition and callback last week. like hardcore making out. the first woman was uncomfortable and nervous. it was horrible. the second woman was confident and open to anything. it was great. it's amazing what an open-minded and confident disposition can do for you in an audition setting.
3) i had an audition last week where i had to play my guitar. i can play the guitar, and with enough notice, i can learn a song. however, for this audition, my agent forgot to include the song with my audition notice. i showed up for the audition with my guitar ready to play any ol' song i knew only to find out there was a song we all had to learn for the spot. needless to say i freaked out and had no idea what i was doing and was embarrassed beyond measurement. it was humbling to feel that stupid. i haven't felt that dumb in over 15 years. not since i went to a church service with a faith i wasn't familiar with and humilated myself when they "broke bread".  but that's another story.
4) i spent over $450 on a plane ticket home for christmas. i don't have that money. but i made a decision that i had to go home no matter what. some things aren't negotiable. me being away from family on x-mas eve is one of those things.
5) you know how some people say they don't hate anyone? i'm not one of those people. hate is a negative thing for sure, but i don't think it's as horrible as people make it out to be. hate is intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury. i'm ok saying i hate people. i have a serious aversion to people that is derived from a sense of injury and/or anger. is that so bad? i hate bush and his republican cronies. i hate bin laden. i hate my professor from my "social and ethical implications of technology" class. i hate the guy that raped my college roomate, who's nickname was the prince (i think). there are lots of people i hate. some i see frequently. some people deserve this feeling. and if they've earned it, i will not pretend i don't feel it.
6)  Dexter is the best show on television. it used to be Six Feet Under. Then Deadwood. Then Sopranos. Now it's Dexter. There has never been a show like this, and there never will be. Original. Tense. Delightful. i'm so wrapped up in this show, and it's all the more amazing because i hate one of the actresses...jennifer carpenter. i think she's doing a poor job. and yet, despite that, this show blows me away. Michael C. Hall needs an emmy right now.
7) if i ever (and i mean it seriously), ever, spoke down to you in a condescending tone...if i ever made you feel like you were stupid and i was superior, i whole-heartedly apologize. as this has been done to me recently, i know how incredibly horrible it is. i think i am smart, but i don't want to make others feel like they are not smart. there is a HUGE difference between confidence and cockiness/arrogrance/hubris. few things make me angrier than someone on the wrong side of this line.
8) i'm going to court tomorrow. i have to wake up at 7:30 so i can drive to westwood to appear in court to ask a judge to waive my $130 fix-it ticket. it's a thorny legal issue because i  sold my car soon after receiving the fix-it ticket. so i can prove that the car has CA plates and tags, but i can't prove that the new owner fixed the tail light. it's not my car. how can i make this guy fix it? how can i be responsible for property that doesn't belong to me? yikes.
9) i don't think i'll ever be famous, and i don't want to be. i want to be able to live comfortably and happily by just acting in film/television/and stage for the rest of my life. i'm learning more and more each day that the people that are famous want to be. you don't eat lunch at the Ivy unless you want to be photographed. there's a secret arrangement between photographers and celebs. go here if you want your pic taken, don't if you want privacy. the mass public doesn't understand that 80% of the crap they see on the internet and in gossip mags is all staged. everything you see on "the hills" is fake. she doesn't work at "Vogue". she goes there once a month so they can film. it's all a sham.
10) The secret is bullshit. you don't manifest your positive thoughts. sorry to break it to you. turns out astrology is bullshit too...sorry. the date of the year that your parents decided to have sex that happened to result in your conception does not determine your propsenity for organizing things or your love of logic...sorry. i'll agree that seeing the positive in things can be helpful, but it does not result in the universe changing for you. i don't know everything, and i don't have an answer for everything, but i also don't make up shit to make people feel better about themselves and sell millions of copies of books that will make me insanely rich. perhaps i should...

that's all for now. there will be some new laws of life in the next couple weeks. in the meantime, come see my show twist, come see me at chaya, and come to my apt. to keep me company. we could go swimming...


peace out,

~b

Currently listening : Live at Radio City Music Hall By Dave Matthews Release date: 14 August, 2007

11:15 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

November’s Laws of Life
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life

hello everyone. it's time for november's law's of life entry. quick update on life first. 11 thoughts...
1) since the writer's began striking i have had exactly 1 audition. and it's only going to get worse. that scares me.
2) twist: the musical opens dec. 1st at the avery shreiber theater. it's adult oriented, dirty, funny, and has great music. i'm in it (smaller supporting role, but a good one). you should come check it out. very talented people.
3) i'm having a hard time finding a plane ticket home that's under $500. there's no way i am going to be in LA for xmas, but there's also no way i am going to spend $500 to go home for 4 days. something's gotta give, and it better be the airline industry.
4) i took care of mariya's kitten this weekend. it made me realize why i love cats, and also why i can't own a cat in my tiny apt. it was both a happy and sad experience.
5) i spoke with taylor hicks tonight. he came into chaya. he could have been nicer. the woman he is dating is hot. i should have wished him success on his mall tours...
6) i am going to picket with the writer's this week. i am a little nervous.
7) i am going to alabama this weekend for a wedding. i am a little nervous.
8) hillary clinton plants questions at her rallies. i am supporting any democrat but her. right now my favorite is edwards. my second favorite is a tie between richardson and dodd. dodd has the coolest voice of anyone running.
9) i saw "300" last night and was not impressed. it paled compared to "Sin City". the acting was acceptable, the story was thin, and the fancy colors done on green screen were mildly entertaining. my favorite part was the character "Xerxes" who had all of 3 scenes. boo.
10) The Green Bay Packers have made Sunday's more enjoyable for me than they have been in years. Brett Favre is playing at a level he hasn't played at in years, and i think he is the greatest QB in the history of football. They are 8-1 and slaughtered the shitty, pathetic, "no offense in 3 years" Vikings today 34-0. that's a shut-out. almost never happens. F-YOU VIKINGS! F-YOU VIKINGS FANS!
11) i have officially retired from serving. i am now the "maitre'd" at chaya. it's a small promotion but since i will be acting as the "maitre'd" i am no longer serving at all. i took a raise, and a few more perks, and i got rid of the stress and ass-kissing associated with serving. plus i get business cards. who doesn't like those?
ok, now that that's out of my system, here are the laws.

98 you are obligated to look like your gender

recently a guest came into my restaurant. this person at first appeared male, but then appeared to have small breasts. the haircut was long, but resembled a mullet. this makes it difficult for me because i have to alter my language to make sure i don't say "sir", "ma'am", or any other noun/pronoun that implies gender. i can't even say "enjoy your dinner ladies" because i don't know if that's a penis or a vagina underneath the gender-nuetral wrangler jeans. so, people, if you are a boy, make sure others can tell you have man bits and not lady parts.  here's a simple test. look at yourself from the back. we should all be able to tell your gender by looking at you from behind. whether it's your clothes, haircut, body shape, etc. we need to be able to know from behind. that's the test. take a picture of yourself in the mirror from behind, then see if it's open for debate. if it is, you are violating a law of life. transgendered people get a free pass for their confusing situation.

2 North and South Dakota are the same place

Someone made a mistake. There are only 49 states. North Dakota and South Dakota are actually one State, called "Dakota". who can tell these places apart? they look the same. they have the same size, population, shape, and nothing distinguishes them from the other, except for some rock sculptures of dead presidents, and do you even know which state has those? which one has the ozarks? the black hills? the badlands? what are their capitals? who the hell knows? if you were to combine these two "states", as we need to do ASAP, the total poplulation would be 1.4 million, which is about 1/4 of the population of the CITY of Los Angeles. ridiculous. they do not deserve 4 senators, and they only have 2 house seats. there are zero professional sports teams from either state. just combine these losers and get it over with. ooohhh, one's NORTH! the other's SOUTH! let's seperate them and give them all their own crap! please, they are the same stupid state with nothing compelling about either of them. let's just join them up and be done with it. i grew up right next to them in MN and i can't tell them apart. if i was in charge, idaho and wyoming would be in the same boat.

50 One bowl of cereal will last you no more than 3 hours

breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and often the least filling.  it doesn't seem to matter how much i pump myself full of  "honey bunches of oats (with almonds!)", i am always hungry soon after. i timed it out one week, recording when i had the cereal, and when i was noticeably hungry, and it was always right at 2 1/2 to 3 hours. if you have two bowls, maybe, maybe you can streach it to 4 hours, but it still hurts. if you don't plan on having another meal soon after, you need eggs, fruit, hasbrowns (sans ketchup), or toast to hold you over. you can't count on cereal. cereal just doesn't cut it. and at $5 a box, i'm kind of mad at cereal for it's lack of sustanence. plus it's not even that good for you, loaded with carbs and sugar and fat. F-You cereal, i'm gonna make brendan's scrambee eggs. and i suggest you do the same...except you don't know how to make my special eggs...but you could stay over and i would make them for you in the morning...or you could have me over and i'd do the same.......or you could pay me $10 and i will tell you the secret to making the greatest freaking scrambled eggs you have ever tasted.

that's it for now...as always, feedback, disagreements, and suggestions are always encouraged. this will be a book that sits atop a toilet someday.

peace out,

~b

ps- i can't get enough of amy winehouse. i've actually found the perfect rationalization for getting a burned copy of her album...i don't want to support her heroin addiction! yaaaay, thank you amy for setting my conscious at ease. by me not spending money on you, you don't get money to spend on drugs...i'm helping you, and still getting to enjoy your sultry, pained, completely original voice.

Currently listening : Back to Black By Amy Winehouse Release date: 13 March, 2007

10:44 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment