Barbizon, Be a model or just look like one!

The creme rinse alone was a bitch!

Posture Boba posture!

The photographer was a fairy. No offense, I just found it funny that the only other person in my life worried about my posture was my mother whose worst fear was that I would turn out to be a "fairy".

Shoot is finished, no one's drug dealers are answering the phone. I make a small joke.... "Anyone hungry?" Three models spontainiously vomit at the mention of food.

"So laxitives it is then?"

Hell, I know where to buy some cheap coke. 80 percent baby laxitive!

I will try to write more as soon as I am done cleaning the toilet seat and fake tits of excrement.

10:07 PM - 19 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

The little fucker dyed me green!

The hair on my ass grew back just time for the little shit to dye me green. Yeah, Happy St. Patricks Day! I look like a furry iguana! Absent the powerful tail to knock the brat in the head with.

How am I going to explain this to the guys? A Fungus that I caught from Scott Baio? A green beer accident? The only other green person that I know is Kermit so it isn't like I can use my new shade to a dating advantage. Maybe the neighbor's poodle will be sympathetic. Her owers dye her pink. Come to think of it... they also shave her legs and butt. Hmmm, this might not be so bad. I wonder if they still leave a key under the matt....

5:15 PM - 15 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

A call to all Breatheren!

WTF? I wander off to mourn the loss of Ms. Precious the Pig and enjoy a sweet nap in my savored Hasselhoff crotch only to wake up to Scott Baio appearing at the opening of an envelope?

This is why I nap people!

My friends in Mexico offer me a great bounty for you Mr. "Charles in Charge". I only need to set the trap. You, Mr Baio, will be bound in Hasselhoff's socks and sold into slavery!

Long live the Hoff!

10:11 PM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Pussy Tagged Me!

So the rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with "6 weird things/habits about yourself".

In the end you need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours.

...this was the message that sweet Pussy Galore sent me. I normally would steal the socks of anyone demanding anything of me but it being Pussy, and my moderate OCD compel me to fufill the wishes of this tawdry lass!

1. I DETESTE chain mail.
2. I like to poop in the corner of anyone who sends me chainmail.
3. I only participate in chainmail when a hot redhead like Pussy is involved.
4. I have broken every piece of chainmail I have ever received, except this one.
5. I would rather nap than answer a chainmail.
6. I was born with a tail.

MuhamMad, Frank Booth, Mamabear, Terts, Ken, Fuckindrinkin!

12:59 PM - 19 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

Banned From School!

Show and Tell is no longer a worry for this here ferret! Although,Theo's classmates are also a lot wiser to the ways of the world!

It started off like any normal Thursday. Breakfast, papersack, ride to school. I had resigned myself to this ritual a long time ago so I was goin' with the flow! My turn was over and I was being held upside down by the special needs child. That's when I saw her! A glorious plump vision of soft silky fur!

Theo's class had a new room mascot! Normally I can control myself around the ladies but this hot piece of persian Guinea Pig rump was too much to handle! I needed a plan! The gifted child's desk was only armed with half eaten crayons. Damn, not so much as a pair of safety scissors!

"Psssttt, Hey kid! Think you can stop staring at my bunghole long enough to turn me right side up so we can have a chat?"

The chat was concise and full of empty promises on my part. Why this kid trusted me I have no idea! At a previous show and tell I had made his Curious George doll "not so curious" anymore!

With pure faith and trust the simple minded fuck opens the cage of this tawdry cavy mynx and places my erect bravado ontop of her.

Names were NOT exchanged!

I balled that sweet Guinea twat untill she begged for a nibble treat to bite down on! Many a first grader was bitten as they tried to drag me off sweet Miss Precious the Pig. Yeah, I know her name now. Promised to call her, yeah right!

So, the aforementioned mandatory elementary school bomb squad pulls me off this juicy piece of tail and I am forever banned!

I stole the PTA's socks as they had me removed.

1:13 PM - 19 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

Sock Rules!

1) If you are ordained in the Church of Sock Sovereignty your socks are safe!
2) It is only PC to steal the socks of a white male, feel free to be politically incorrect!
3) If Offender is not wearing a sock, bite toe!
4) Avoid all socks in Mexico!
5) Subsitute turbans for socks when dealing with fundamentalist sandfreaks!
6) Never attempt to steal Hasselhoffs socks! They are harder to get off than Martha Stewart on dirty sheets!

More to follow....I need a nap!

9:44 AM - 27 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

Home from Mexico!
Current mood: chipper
Category: Travel and Places

Home safe! The Mexican authorities turned out be a lot more helpful than I expected! After I announced that "I give myself up, I am guilty!" I refused to say another word. This confounded Pedro and Jorge! Having been handed a suspect on a silver platter, with no information whatsoever of my "crime"! The interrogation process was going nowhere. I refused to utter as much as a "Si!"

They tried to intimidate me, Pedro stood on Jorge's shoulders to appear as "one" larger Mexican. Their attempt at Machismo made me chuckle and gave me a chance to steal thier socks.

After the mandatory third siesta of the day they began again. To no avail! I was mentally salsa dancing my way around them! I was starting to feel bad for my new Toyota Corolla driving friends when the door flew open..... "Sancho, the local bully and badass has been found dead in an alley missing his socks!" a young boy declared! The honor was bestowed upon me pronto to save any further policework.

The news of my assumed great feat spread faster than the Church of Sock Sovereignty! I was adorned with decorative ponchos and a drink holding sombrero equipped with a straw.

I won't go as far as to say I am revered there now, but lets just say that I see "Generalissimo" added to my title in the near future!

5:19 PM - 33 Comments - 25 Kudos - Add Comment

The Church of Sock Sovreingity!
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Basically a laissez-faire militant movement for sock acquisition. Im in charge.

Doctrine, as of yet....

1. Steal socks from those that deserveth!
2. Protect Socks of those that are worthy, sexy, or just don't mind a nice one night stand.
3. Take a lot of naps.
4. No exploitation whatsoever of Donkeys.
5. Be wary of Bears. I just don't trust an animal too dumb to use a litterbox!
(small jab at Mamabear)
6. Tom Sucks!
7. Credo quia absurdum est!
8. No one naps in Hoff's or Pussy Galore's panties but me!

You need to join and pay dues before I can reveal our general plots, coups, and political affiliations!

7:12 AM - 37 Comments - 23 Kudos - Add Comment

The last few days are a blurr!

So, with permission of course....Hasselhoff lets me retire for a sweet long nap in his scrotal hammock. I highly underestimated the power of "Hoff" crotch! Next thing I know I wake up in Tijuana with my ass shaved. I smell my paw to try to piece together the recent events.

How am I going to explain this to my parole officer! He likes my ass hairy!

I need to get home! The first man that I see is an older Mexican man who is approaching me intently. I get the feeling as he begins to address me in my a priori reasoning that this is a man of wisdom! A messiah of sorts! I stop and wait, the silence before he speaks is an eternity! I lean in....

"Hey Meester, want to see girl fuck donkey?"

Oh well, I am going to present myself to the local authorities, announce "I did it!" and refuse to say another word.

12:05 PM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Fuck! Tomorrow is show and tell!

Every god damn time! The basement door opens and fat little Theodore, or as "Mr., I'll feed you when I want to!" calls him, theodorable.... I know it is show and tell day. Theodore's fat grubby little mitts rip me out of my quiet little sanctuary and drag me upstairs to put me in a paper sack. I usually don't have time to log off before this happens so I return to a gaggle of spurned byuthches thinking I have "dissed" them. The day continues, my turn comes up.... I am removed from the paper sack only to see the black children retreat mass exidus so scared that they turn white. The mandatory elementary school bomb squad responds and mutters in thier radios "Code Black Fear!" What is it with black children and animals? Show and tell continues. This is when Theodore promptly lifts my tail and shows them "Where the poo poo comes out!" Then it is always mandatory to be held by the special needs child, because us "animals" are said to calm them. Smell his finger after he holds me and tell me who was calm! Every friggen Thursday!

9:47 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment