Great Expectations
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

Mother Yasumura was fond of saying, "Cleaning is a thing only noticed when not done." Ironically, her last act on this earth was shitting the bed. And yes, we noticed it. Mother Yasumura was so keen on this saying, she surely would have embroidered it on a pillow, if she knew how to embroider, or read for that matter. For her, this saying represented a broader philosophy: That most of life's most important activities are ones which hold no greater fulfillment. The great achievements of life are attained and maintained through daily, and often mundane tasks.

As we all know, this philosophy is complete bullshit. The best things in life are things which offer immediate, and incomprehensible joy; things like unprotected sex with strangers, street racing and heroine (put those together and you have a typical Thursday here at the Team Yasumura Compound West). No one, on their death bed, ever thought, "Gosh, I wish I had kept a cleaner house." People think things like, "I wish I had fucked more people, or had more heroine" (unless they're dying of a heroine overdose – in which case, their last thought is "Oops, I think I took too much heroine."). Furthermore, these aren't things gotten through toil and patience. All great things in life are much better when gotten through luck, theft or mooching. Anyone who's ever watched a homeless person eat knows this for a fact. They look so happy, and the whole time they're thinking, "I got that guy to buy me this cheeseburger – it tastes like victory! Who's laughing now CIA?!! Who's laughing now?!!!"

Most sweet of all, are the fruits which come from a completely unearned sense of entitlement. Take a look at Los Angeles. Behaving as if one deserves power over all things living, without any actual talent or work ethic, is a pathway to numerous careers in the entertainment industry. Once in a position of power in "The Industry," such players are showered with prizes and fulfillment beyond comprehension. For instance, the gift-bag at the average awards ceremony contains literally thousands of dollars worth of stuff. If you have any pull in Hollywood, people will have sex with you just to get their union card. A serious player can crash cars they don't even own, and have no consequences whatsoever (although Matthew Broderick paid for it later, when Nathan Lane raped him routinely during the run of "The Producers" on Broadway). So, if you're looking for a truly great life, here's where you start: Get a giant framed photograph of Sean "P-Diddy" Combs, and put it over your bed. Then, think constantly, "What would P-Diddy do?" And yes, sometimes, you'll have to fire a gun in a crowded club then blame it on your girlfriend.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

9:11 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Holiday Road
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Unless you're a Welsh coal miner or Jesus or something, you take vacations. You should. We all should. Homeless people should take vacations. As with many things, the Europeans have got us beat on this front; they take a full month a year, if not more (though they don't have us beat on tactical nuclear weapons, do they? Not so smug now, are you Frenchy? USA! USA!).

By the way, vacations in which you fulfill your family obligations don't count. You're a full-blown idiot if you waste your vacation visiting your cancer-aunt and her stunted son. Of course, some people, like Jews and Catholics, enjoy a holiday at Lake Chaos/Guilt. Ah, the drunken dinners that end in near-fist-fights. The subtle hints, like, "So when are you going to go to law-school?" If that's how you want to spend your vacation, have at it, but don't complain about it later, you fucking asshole.

It's vital when taking a vacation to leave your daily environment. Yes, it seems like a vacation when you take peyote in your apartment and watch all five seasons of "The Wire," but it's not a vacation (or really anything). Make sure you go somewhere completely different from where you reside. If you live in the city, head for the country. If you're in the cold, head for the warm. If you're in Kansas, get the fuck out of Kansas (always, get the fuck out of Kansas). The point of a vacation is not simply to relax, but to get some perspective on your life. A great vacation should include at least one moment in which you think, "Wow, my life is completely hollow…I am a slave," or "I can't believe I've been a mouthpiece for this administration's foreign policy."

If you have the means, you may be tempted to go some place glamorous, where the people are beautiful. Resist this urge! You do not want to spend your vacation feeling inadequate. On the contrary, if possible, you want your holiday to feature a completely inappropriate sense of entitlement and self-worth. To this end, you want to visit places where the people are poor and ugly. Take a place like Fall River, MA – that town is a serious shit-hole. You show up there with all your teeth and legally obtained currency, and you'll feel like the mayor. An average looking man, living on a civil servant's salary, could go to Fall River and before he knew it, he'd be knee-deep in promiscuous young women and roasted meats. The only down-side is answering their questions, like "Is there really a place called Montana?" or "Why are my private parts different from your private parts?" If you get tired of eating and getting laid, Fall River also has a Battleship Museum (with gift shop!), and it's the narcotics capitol of New England. After ten days in Fall River, you'll come home with the unwarranted confidence you can only get from intravenous speed-balls and unprotected sex with multiple partners (which is why hookers always have that weird smirk). One note of warning: Some of the people in Fall River will try to get you to take them away from there. Not only is this a bad idea (they spread disease and steal), it is also illegal to take a resident out of that town. If you're planning this particular vacation, you should act soon, because the Federal Government plans to napalm Fall River in 2011.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

5:00 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Talk The Talk
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

If you ever hear someone speaking in jargon, you be sure to listen, because that person clearly knows something worth knowing. Jargon is language specific to a subculture, and is automatically cool. An example of jargon is military speak. In the U.S. military, eighteen-year-old kids say things like I.E.D., which means improvised explosive device. It's a more specific way of referring to a roadside bomb. Specificity helps when you're trying to figure-out where your leg went.

The use of jargon always means the speaker has a comprehensive understanding of the subject at hand. It is never a pretense, masking superficial knowledge, if not total ignorance. For instance, go on a film set, and you'll here the P.A.'s saying all kinds of crazy things into their walkie-talkies (they call them "walkies"). Clearly, they know how films are made. Furthermore, the use of jargon never speaks to deep insecurity about intelligence. Like, for instance, when you suspect your neighbor might be illiterate, and you gently offer help. Then he starts telling you about all the cars he's restored, and how technical it was, that means he can read just fine.

Jargon is a way of cutting right to the truth of a matter, and is never used to confuse an issue. Scientologists use lots of jargon, and their thoughts are the clearest of all (just ask one, and they'll tell you "I'm clear") It's not like the language is being perverted to make nonsense sound cool and exclusive. Go watch that Tom Cruise video on YouTube, and you'd swear he isn't even speaking English – but he is – the clearest English there is. "I mean, for me, it really is KSW." Yeah Tom, it really is…it really is.

Lastly, jargon lets you know that a person is part of an elite group; an exclusive club; a rigorous discipline. You know, like the clerks at Starbucks.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions

2:16 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Worry Beads and Rocking Chairs
Category: Music

"Am I going crazy?"

The stock response to this is, "You're not going crazy. The fact that you are asking the question means you're not going crazy."

This is pretty much bull shit (and usually the guy saying it is being all condescending and dickish). Yes, it is true there are many mental illnesses that are delusional in nature. However, this is not true of all illnesses. You can have any number of mental health problems, and be fully aware something is terribly wrong (which is like getting a urine chaser with your shit sandwich).

Case in point: Anxiety.

The common misconception is that anxiety is the opposite of depression. Wrong. Anxiety and depression are like twin siblings, dressed in sailor outfits asking you to come play with them. They are both the evil twin, and Scatman Crothers isn't going to help you (he'll be ending his career by doing the voice of Jazz, the black robot in the kids show "The Transformers").

At its core, anxiety is a problem with the Fight-or-Flight response. You're supposed to get anxious when a saber-toothed tiger is nearby. You're not supposed to get anxious when Maria asks you "Do you want fries with that?" (although, to be fair, Maria is pretty intimidating with those nails of hers). So your sense of what is a threat is out of whack, but it gets better. Now, your body is screaming-out for you to do something – hence fight-or-flight, but unless you've had a complete psychotic break, you know there is no action to take (if you have had a psychotic break, start punching strangers). So, you just have to sit there, quietly freaking out, because you can't handle the reveal portion of "Trading Spaces" (seriously, you're a big, neurotic pussy).

As with depression, anxiety plays well with other mental illnesses. If you've ever met someone with an anxiety disorder and a border-line personality, you know what a special treat that is (it also means you've worked in the entertainment industry). Anxiety also can be the root of other illnesses that take a life of their own, like OCD, anorexia, or just being an asshole. Anxiety, by itself, takes many forms, but generally falls into one of the following categories:

• Situational anxiety disorders. In these cases, you have certain triggers for anxiety, such as social situations, test-taking, having sex, or the embarrassment of British comedies. Here's the solution: Avoid your triggers! Sure, you'd like to go to college, but the SAT's could literally kill you – so enjoy the military! Sure, you'd like corporeal friends, but meeting real people in a wok-cooking class? Fuck that. There's always a Danish guy in a chat-room who won't judge you. Sure, you'd like to have sex with your wife…and it's not going to happen now that you're thinking about it. By the way, all of the above situations are shows currently on the BBC (which, just knowing, is uncomfortable).

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Yeah! Get ready to never feel good ever again! Cuz you're spending every waking moment waiting for the other shoe to drop (and it will, it will). You're gonna start off with racing thoughts of impending disaster, or just worrying all the time. You'll stop sleeping; have heart palpitations, headaches, nausea. The kick of it is: you're right to feel the way you do! Logically speaking, life is a disaster waiting to happen, and then you die, and none of it means anything at all. So, start knitting, smoking, drinking, and compulsively organizing - whatever you have to do before the shit hits the fan.

• Panic disorders and agoraphobia. Man, are you fucked. Every once and a while, you are paralyzed by fear; you're dizzy, can't breath and you're heart is racing. It's a panic attack – like being gang-raped by cherubs in your head. It's happening frequently enough that you're living in fear of the next one. You never know what's going to trigger it, so you're avoiding anything stimulating – like, say, the world. Yes, almost half of the time, your little panic problem can turn into agoraphobia – a fear of almost everything. Just saying, you might want to go to CostCo and stock-up for your indefinite stay home. Don't forget Kleenex boxes for your feet and Mormons to manage your fortune. And now you're a shut-in.

The good news (besides the resurrection of Our Lord) is that anxiety issues (unlike depression) want to get treated. They scream out for treatment, and there are many good medications on the market today. The bad news is medications have side affects, and getting medication regimes exactly correct takes a long time ("It's not that I don't feel better – I don't feel anything at all…oh, and I'm growing a tail"). Seriously, you might want to just move in with your psychiatrist. Don't worry about fucking him, because you won't be fucking for a couple of months.

Even more good news (like the Book of Mormon): If the newer medications don't work, the old ones work every time. The old medications are things like booze, barbiturates (booze in pill form), and heavy sedatives (booze without all the chit-chat). There's also rocking back and forth in the corner.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

10:24 PM - 2 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Look For the Signs
Category: Automotive

Team Member Greg recently asked when the Robot Wars will begin. Usually, the Team Yasumura reply to this question is: "Quit asking so many questions, man. This isn't a seminar. We're just here to do drugs, and maybe experiment on the down low."

The impending Robot Wars are most fully explained in Robert Yasumura's seminal works "The Truths I Can Now Transmit" and "Robertronics: The Secret of Turning Your Human Mind into a Human Brain" (Marquis Vanity Press, 1996, 1999 – ten year anniversary box set comes with a Team Helmet and puzzle game). All Team Members should, of course, read these books (if for no other reason, they set up Robert's many futuristic novels, like "Cyborg Lover" and "Cyborg Lover II: Reconciliation in The Outer Zone").

No one really knows exactly when the Robot Wars will begin. Much like the rapture, it could happen any day now. So, don't stop believing! You don't want to be wrong on this one. Because it is so close, Team Members should be unencumbered by worldly possessions (except your guns – keep lots of guns and ammo). When the wars begin, houses, cars and money will be of no use at all. Members should feel utterly comfortable giving these things to Robert now, so he can continue to build the robot-proof compound (opening day ceremony slated for 2011 with special guest Robbie Knievel!).

Please note: Donations to Team Yasumura are not tax deductible, although donations to the Team Yasumura Theater Group are (August 8th, see Thornton Wilder's "The Matchmaker" with an all Asian cast).

Look for these signs that the Robot Wars are near:

• A six eyed-lamb will sit upon a throne – or anywhere – a six-eyed lamb under any circumstances.

• Angry robots walking around mumbling to themselves.

• Joyce DeWitt returns to television.

• Cyborg only bars begin appearing in major cities.

• A charming businessman becomes a world leader and starts a war in the Middle East, which is the plot of 'Omen III,' by the way. Oh, and it might have already happened. No, it definitely already happened.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

2:46 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Gun It!
Category: School, College, Greek

About a month ago, the Supreme Court overturned the gun ban in Washington, DC. Fuck yeah! The guns are back in DC like old friends returning from Canada after the Vietnam War! The NRA and other pro-gun organizations (there are other gun organizations than the NRA? Doesn't the NRA's "All Guns All The Time" philosophy pretty much cover it all?) have already begun filing suits to overturn similar gun bans in other cities. As we all know, cities are where we need our guns the most. America is back! We still have a long way to go though. We don't have child soldiers yet, or three AK-47's per household. Put those images in your dream box, and they will come true!

The NRA's position has long been: Violent crime is less likely if perpetrators are facing a well-armed citizenry. That is, a criminal is less likely to pull a gun if there's a good chance he'll find another gun pointing right back at him. Which is 100% true. Here in Los Angeles, we have South Central, where there are many, many people walking around with concealed fire-arms. As a result, there is no violent crime in that neighborhood at all (NRA members are invited to move there, and experience the utopia they've envisioned). Still, statistics can be misleading, and there's no hard evidence to show the world the paradise which awaits when we all have firearm. This is why Team Yasumura is proposing that Congress give the NRA the city of Detroit. Every man, woman, and child will be required to be "packing heat" (street lingo) in the Motor City. It'll be great (or at least, the quality of life will not change at all for Detroit).

Just think about all the times in your life when a gun would have provided much needed comfort. For instance, moments of blinding road rage, or times when you were drunk and angry – you know, when you were so upset, you weren't thinking about consequences? If everyone had a gun, you could have taken yours, and stroked it – smelled its oils – and you would have felt so much better.

Of course, the anti-gun lunatics have all kinds of crazy arguments against unrestricted gun-ownership. They say that a privately owned gun is much more likely to be used against its owner than in the prevention of a crime. They site the numerous suicides, accidents, and domestic incidents fueled by legally obtained guns. Yeah, OK, keep smoking your Mary-Jane and reading your statistics, Faggy Von Douche-owitz.

Team Yasumura Members have kept guns all along. We are, for the most part, armed to the teeth. We know two important facts: 1. Guns are bitchin cool; and 2. We will need guns when The Robot Wars begin. Here at the Team Compound, we have a full armory and a shooting range (next to the bar, and behind the day-care – if you see the laundry room, you've gone too far). For those Team Members who have lived under the Stalinism of the DC ban, now is your time to get some guns. Start small, like a Glock or an S&W revolver. Take it home and dry-fire it in front of the mirror. You will look good. You will feel good. You'll want an assault rifle before you know it – which you can have, because the assault weapons ban was never renewed! Suck it, James Brady! Let's say this again: All Team Members should get guns. If you have one, get more. When we all meet at the Team Yasumura Round-up (scheduled for August 2011 at the Anaheim Convention Center) we'll shoot our guns in the air and have cake.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions

2:15 AM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

The Ring (s)
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Do you have fatigue? Muscle aches? Sores that won't heal? Trouble fighting a cold? It's a virtual certainty that you have Olympic Fever (or maybe AIDS or Lupus)! The only treatment is a course of vitamin O (the Olympics). You're in luck; the 29th Games of the Olympiad are three weeks away (most years, you'd die in an Olympic Fever Hospice – which are horrible, horrible places).

Yes, The Olympics are here! The single most important event ever. Ever. Truly, it is only now, that we understand the vital role sport plays in our world. After all, has there been a world crisis that the Olympics couldn't fix? Munich taught Israelis and Arabs to get along. Moscow taught Afghanis to get along with Russians. Berlin taught Germans to love black people. This year, the Olympics are in Beijing, China; who doesn't get along with the Chinese (the people-pleasers of Asia)? It's gonna be great!

The Games will provide us all with much needed distraction from gas prices, the credit crisis (although watching TV is kind of how the mortgage problem got traction – "Banks want to compete to give me a loan? Do they know I'm on disability from the V.A.? Great!), two wars in the Middle East (not that they are on television anyway…because they're not news), and the impending election (which is so totally gay anyway). There are no other forms of entertainment to give us respite from our troubles (except for "The Closer," all new season on TNT! Kyra Sedgewick's raw sexuality is intoxicating! Also, there's the August release of "Chicken Soup for the Narcissistic Soul").

There is nothing more pure than the Olympics: The simplicity of men and women competing, without the corrupting influences of money (or massive corporate sponsorship). The only thing more pure than the Olympics is the International Olympic Committee: An organization of such deep benevolence they gave the Games to China – the most desperate and deserving nation in the world (don't believe the stories – Tibet walked into a door).

So, if you haven't already, catch Olympic Fever! (The best way catch it is unprotected sex with a Thai prostitute – Thai prostitutes really love the Olympics).

9:15 PM - 1 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

The Name of The Rose
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

George Carlin died a few weeks ago. Lots of comedians were saying "Rest in Peace," which is funny, because Carlin was a raging atheist. If they wanted to honor the man, they should have said, "Do not exist in peace." Carlin's single greatest contribution to the American dialogue remains the "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV," which perfectly describes our antiquated ideas of the sacred and profane. It also gave license to blue-haired ladies to giggle at the word "Cunt." Since that routine was first performed, our relationship with language and media has changed substantially. Granted, when Janet Jackson's boob got flashed at the Super Bowl, human civilization almost ended. On the other hand, HBO that same evening, had a prostitute peeing on an award-winning actor (it was only a Drama Desk Award, but still…don't fact check this).

Although terrestrial television and radio still can't use most of those words, they are not nearly as shocking. You might hear a daycare worker say, "Hey motherfucker, that little cunt Suzy just fucking pissed all over my tits and shit – so, just play with your blocks, while I go and change, OK cocksucker?" (You might not want to leave your kids there, but still, it's better than naked leap-frog). Still, there are words which even progressives find objectionable, because they denote cruelty:

Retarded – once, this was the proper term for the mentally handicapped. Then, it got used. For instance, "A bunch of fucking retards showed up at the Sizzler" (this happens a lot). The word has such a perfectly nasty ring to it. Using this word against an actually retarded person is unforgivable. The next step would be derogatory terms for diabetics or coma patients. Even general use of the word is in pretty bad taste. However, no word better describes things which are stupid to the point of being clinical. As in: "A preemptive war in the middle-east is helmet-and-leash retarded."

Faggot, fag, faggy – The most nasty single word for homosexuality available (though Dr. James Dobson is working in his lab every night to invent others). It's unfortunate though, because when used properly, no word better describes things like Hummel figures, musical theater, and umbrella cocktails. When used against a gay person, it's hate speech; when used to unfavorably describe aesthetics, it's just good economy of language.

Nigger – the nuclear option. Likely the most inflammatory word currently in standard American English. Why? Ask a black person. They'll be only too happy to explain. Something to do with slavery, three-fifths of a human being, all that. Curious note about this word: The black community currently says "That is our word." When clearly it isn't. It's a word which was coined, owned and operated by old-school racists. Much like a Ford Pinto, it's something they shouldn't use, but it is theirs. If you are not black, or a declared bigot, the only reason to use this word is to signal, in the clearest terms possible, the end of your public and/or show business career.

It's good to know language still has this power, but time is running out. Soon there will be emoticons which will say, in a single key-stroke, "Man, do I hate foreigners," or "Get the Jews down to the train station."

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions

12:38 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Ho-Hum
Category: Parties and Nightlife

If you are depressed, you are the only one. The rest of us are having a 24/7 cocktail party, made better by your absence. Thankfully for us, depression is not something one generally wants to share; not intentionally at least (Although, you know that minor injustice you were talking about for hours? That did the trick). You especially don't want to discuss your depression with anyone from, say, Africa. Their response will always be, "No militia raping you, and two thousand calories a day? How about you shut the fuck up."

Depression is an extremely tricky affliction, because it is a pretty logical response to the human condition. I.E. We are all going to die, never having been a sexual-powerhouse-cowboy-astronaut-award-winning-actor (Your dreams of spiritual fulfillment may vary). Because depression is a normal consequence of consciousness, the human body produces chemicals, such as serotinin, which tell us everything is OK. It's possible Neandertals lacked these chemicals, and died-out because they spent all of their time hanging out in coffee shops or dating the wrong people. Depression is, essentially, an imbalance of these chemicals.

Each case of depression is like a snowflake (a horrible, horrible snowflake) in that it has features which are unique to the patient – and those conditions change over time. This is why medication regiments are rarely perfect, and why psychiatrists might as well roll 20-sided-dice and wear purple robes. Still, depression tends to fall into one of the following categories:

• Situational depression. It is exactly what it sounds like. A period of sadness, lethargy, irritability and/or general "blahs," caused by a specific stressor, such as a death, or them canceling "M.A.S.H." (who doesn't miss Radar, Hawkeye, BJ and the whole gang at the 4077th?). We've all experienced situational depression at some point in our lives. If you haven't experienced it, chances are, you are a full-blown sociopath, and should look for a career in film production or cocaine sales. In a healthy individual, this type of depression tends to pass in a few weeks or months. Then it's all "I think I'll take a wok-cooking class and stop killing neighborhood animals." Allowed to fester though, situational depression can quickly turn into chronic depression (like when we used to say "dude" ironically, then one day, we were just saying it).

• Dysthymia is a chronic low-grade depression (also a female Goth singer out of Cleveland). Shit's getting done – not great, but it's getting done (like, you fed the kids, but you really don't feel like teaching them to read). You're not really sad, or upset, but you don't really have any capacity for joy either (sex on a roller-coaster is OK, but hardly worth the drive). Dysthymia is often mistaken for laziness or boredom (so maybe you stop calling your brother-in-law an asshole and get him some help), and often goes undiagnosed. If you take pure delight in seeing sea-otters holding hands, you're fine. If you watch the sea-otter video over and over again, and get a little weepy, welcome to dysthymia.

• Straight-up depression. If you've ever had it, you know – it is fun, fun, fun. You haven't given-up your will to live, but you're not exactly motivated to function either. Thankfully we live in the age of delivered food and cable TV. Throw-in the overwhelming sadness, irritability, and hopelessness, and you've got the opposite of a rave (still, glow-sticks can be used, only now, you just sit and stare at them till they stop glowing). It's like a 1970's organ solo: it goes on, and on, and on. The best thing about depression is that it resists treatment. You could go see the shrink, but what's the point? So, good luck with that!

• End-game depression. Welcome to the bottom of the sea! You've ceased to have your most basic instinct – to stay on this plain of existence. All the switches are off, you see no hope in sight, and you want out. If you don't manage to kill yourself (people always get hung-up on the note), there's good news: you now qualify for a 5150 hold (it doesn't sound like good news, but in your condition, who are you to judge?). You are a danger to yourself and/or others, and can be committed to a facility for the mentally ill. Congrats! It's like you just got accepted at The University of Buffalo, and you didn't even apply! These next few weeks are going to be a magical time of new experiences and people, which you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

The point is this: If you are depressed, look, it's all in your head, and you should just snap out of it. Or, maybe you should go get your E-meter reading at your local Scientology Center. You will feel better, and then, eventually, they'll tell you the stories about the aliens. Stories which were revealed by a latently gay man who wore a captain's hat.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

12:30 AM - 13 Comments - 25 Kudos - Add Comment

Miranda’s Last Words
Category: Automotive

Truly we live in an age of wonders (unless you live in Detroit or The Sudan). The information age has made it possible for all Americans to share and exchange new ideas with speed and ease (5-13% of the adult U.S. is still illiterate, but honestly, no one was exchanging information with those people, except to say "clean up this shit, dumbie," or "No Mr. Gallo, we won't be financing your next movie").

Not so very long ago, writers had to get through numerous obstacles to communicate with their audience. There were always editors and publishers, saying things like, "Mr. Yasumura, an 'enemies list' is not a book" (guess who just made the list?).

Self-publishing used to be terribly difficult and expensive. You had to show-up at the library at opening, with 20 lbs. of dimes, then get the stink-eye all day from 'Queen-Dewey-Decimal' just in order to copy your novella "Why Stacey Rappaport Shouldn't Have Broken-up with Me." Then, you had to bind them yourself. Then borrow your mother's car and deliver each copy to all of Stacey's friends. Vanity presses also existed, which would print a professional-looking book for a hefty fee. Still, the assholes at Barnes & Noble weren't interested in "Mommy, Look at Me – I'm Right Here (with a forward by Leonard Nimoy)"

Today, however, a writer can publish an entire trilogy without ever leaving his house ('Shut-In Fiction' is a new genre which is hot, hot, hot! It's largely about the sexual adventures of the women on QVC). With a few clicks of a mouse, a writer can reach thousands of people. Finally, artists like Tila Tequila are getting to say their words. Suck it Annie Dillard!

It is a new age, which honors the written word like never before. This Blog, for instance – can anyone deny its importance? The art of writing has been so elevated by the internet, that literature no longer has to fit into stale categories, like story, article, poem, or essay. Writing has been abstracted to its purest, most visceral core. For example: "OMG!*$ topher got tix to lil wayne!!()…LOL!" Did you feel the power of that?! Thank God someone had the courage to put that on their blog and make it available. Chat-rooms are perhaps the purest form of this new literature. Think of how lucky we are that people now document these round-table discussions. Our society can really know the process of great minds. "STUDMUFFIN: How's everyone doin' tonight? HARDBISCUIT: Great! So high on crystal! PLINEYTHEELDER: This place is a sausage-fest!"

Yes people – celebrate this wonderful time! Celebrate, because our children will never have to know the horror of an unshared thought!

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

2:24 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment