Typical day off. Plenty of Maple Story and Gunbound. Nothing special really happened. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine. She was going through a problem. Not gonna talk about who or what it was...but, I felt bad I couldn't help. Well, I never can. I know that. I'm just here for whatever I can do...and she knows that.
Other than that, last night, I had an interesting conversation with Tabatha. Basically, just from talking to her, I just feel ridiculous for telling her my thoughts and she's just like "well, why don't you do this" and I never have an answer for her. It's like...she made me want to be a better person...to quote that movie with Jack Nicholson. Tabatha is like....seriously one of the sweetest people I've met in a long time. Enjoy talking to her when we do. Made a good friend, and I hope she'd agree.
As for now...I'm just listening to more Evanescence and...hopefully chill with Veronica later. Maybe gunbound, maybe just sit here and talk to her. :) Good moods.
It's crazy. My youngest brother is 20, and has a kid (2 if you wanna count the other) before me. Next year he'll be 21. The youngest of the Wilson 5 will be legal. Does it make me feel older? A bit. I'm kickin the shit down 30's door. So...Happy Birthday Drew!
I used to think there was a massive amount of Virgos in the country. Moreso than anyone else. Until this month selling things at Things Remembered. I think more people have been shopping for birthdays this month than any other month that I remember working there. The store has been busy, and you'd think it was because of Christmas. Nope. Weddings and birthdays has been the main gifts lately, but it seems like more birthdays than weddings of course. Weddings are the BIGGER sales, granted, but...birthdays been more popular. Looks like all of those Christmas fucks and/or New Years fucks (probably more the latter) are coming out. :P
I decided to put the first poem I posted in my blogs here again. Do ya remember?
"Are you okay?" No. "What's wrong?" ...I'm drowning, in melancholy... in love. Love... A beautfiul tragedy ending with a lie. It's a great thing... copacetic...nostalgic. Yes. Nothing like a heart warming heart break filled with verisimilitude, blinded by anger... or stupidity...or fear of nothingness of emptiness ...of new life But...How are you? How am I? I'm wonderfully normal and painfully human... barely breathing...battered ...but alive.
Had to attend a meeting today. It's Sunday. We all know how much I love watching football with my family. Mom, Joe, anyone else who wants to join. Fun just sitting in the living room watching the games, but today, I had to be at TR from 5 - 9 because we had to have a managers meeting. Shanna, Tara, Amanda and myself. When I got there, well, there was quite a bit to get done. Customers. The day was kinda smooth, but a good sales day for us nevertheless. I mean, we did well over 200%. Because of the meeting, I didn't even have a goal, but still did a bit of selling. So, we didnt' start the meeting until around 6. Basically, it was to teach us "Conversion Selling" and so that we'd be able to teach our part timers and seasonals the same thing. It was actually pretty fun. We did some role playing. Honestly, it was hard to get into "character" with your boss watching you and someone else critiquing. I would've done more of what I was supposed to do I think if it were a customer. But...there are still bad habits I and the rest of us has to kick to adapt to the new stuff.
So, I get home from work just now, go in my room. All my Evanescence CDs have been knocked down from the holder, the PS/2 adapter I plug my mouse up to is broken and part of it is stuck in my computer, there's a glass broken on my window, and my desk has been moved. Pissed off, I stormed upstairs to find out what the fuck happened. John told me that Nevon and Kwame was wrestling in my room. ...WHAT THE FUCK? See...I already put a fucking password on my computer. That should be all the fuck you need NOT to linger in here...but you gotta go through extremes it seems. Man...I was so fucking pissed off. I'm cool now, I just got a lot of OTHER shit on my mind. I might or might not talk about that shit here. We'll see. Later.
I have a lot of confusion about a lot of things. Even myself. I just gotta sit down and have a nice, long conversation with myself to find out what I want. Hah, I bet if I read through my blogs, I look like I got some kinda deep seeded issues. Well, perhaps I do. *Shrugs* It's whatever. Lately I just been trying to figure out a lot of things both within myself and about how I feel about other people. I think I feel empty towards the people I'm closest to now. Distant from my friends, yet, still close to my family, and we all live in the same house, or at least my friends still visit quite often. I hope nobody is worried about me. I'm okay, really. I'm just always thinking and either keeping the majority of my thoughts to myself, or expressing them to a fault here.
I miss Leigh. I don't really know why there's a distance between us, but when we do talk, I don't feel the distance anymore...so maybe distance isn't the word I'm looking for. It's not like it used to be, but times are different now anyway. I'm working more, she's doing her thang (yes, I said it the "ebonic" way) and I think...there are things she's exploring or trying to figure out also. Main thing is, I believe she's happy...and thinking that puts a smile on my face. Well, she usually calls me, and tells me a fucked up story about something that happens to her and puts a joking twist on it to turn it into a funny story. I guess I kinda miss it.
Oh, the topic of the blog. Right. Well, I was at work yesterday. We have some new mugs. They're red and green metallic looking mugs, and it looks HOT the way they're on the table. It's all colorful and festive...and I just felt a bout of instant depression. What went through my mind was "I should get like 5 of them. 3 green and 2 red for me and my brothers and sisters and we could drink egg nog in front of the Christmas tree this year..." then I realized, I felt like I was 16 and they all still lived here. So, I knew that wouldn't work. Then...I had ANOTHER idea. I'd get a few of them and give them to Joycie because they'd look so beautiful in her house and when we went over to her house for Christmas....then I realized, well, she moved to Virginia. So, this Christmas, not only are we not spending away from here for the first time in a while, but even Joyce isn't around. I'm really gonna miss that, and I didn't realize that I would, because there were times I didn't really want to go away for Christmas. I remember opening all my gifts and wanting to stay home playing with them all day...but we had to go to Joyce's. Looking back, there was NEVER a bad time over there.
...either way, I still wanna get those cups and drink egg nog out of them in front of the Christmas Tree. I miss the times Laura was here and decorated the house all perfectly. Although I BELIEVE Odessa and I are going to try to decorate the house this year for Christmas, it still won't feel the same, but my aim is to try to create some new memories, and have some more wonderful times with my family while we're still together as a family.
If I had the opportunity, would I fuck every available female? If a female walked in here right now, dropped her panties, opened her legs and said "Scott, fuck me" would I do it? Honestly? It depends on the female.
One of the many, MANY things that's been on my mind lately is that they just promoted Amanda to Assistant Manager at the store I work in. That's cool and what not. I mean, I think she definitely deserved a promotion. Even deserves to be the assistant manager. No argument there she busts her ass as much as, if not more than anyone else there. I never have anything bad to say about Amanda. She's close to perfect in my eyes. The only question I have is, how come it wasn't offered to me, or was it and I declined it because I thought I might be somewhere else.
I remember a conversation we had a while ago. Shanna asked me how far I saw myself going with the company, and I pretty much told her I don't know, but that I would probably ride this joint til the wheels fall off, but the time she asked me that was when I was thinking about going to an interview at Dess' job when she had one. But, this conversation was MONTHS ago. Probably July. Since then, I see that I'm gonna be at Things Remembered for a while. I like it here and I just now got benefits so of course I want to make the most out of it. I remember we were in the back and Shanna was talking about promoting Amanda to key holder and asked if any of us objected, and of course we all agreed she'd be awesome. She's awesome as an AM too. No complaints whatsoever. My issue is, it's like...didn't even ask me if I wanted it.
So with that, I start to question my own abilities. Question everything I've done these past 2 years...and I don't have anything really good that stands out that comes to mind. The only things I can think of are my fuck ups at the store. Everything I've done wrong and everything I can't do. Something is wrong with me, I see it now. I've NEVER thought this negatively about myself before, and it's almost along the line of depression. Same symptoms, I believe. I put myself in this shell recently if you couldn't notice...and if you COULDN'T notice it probably means I was already in a bit of a shell to begin with, but I feel like a snail trapped inside of a turtle right now. Everything I do at work I feel isn't good enough. Everything I engraved last time I was there I said "that's not big enough" or "I should've done this" and I know that everything that goes on I'm gonna say "well, that's why she's assistant manager and you're just a key holder" the way I feel when Shanna comes in and takes control of a seemingly out of hand situation in the matter of seconds.
So, truth be told, I'm happy being a key holder. Would I want more? Of course. Do I think I deserve more? Probably not, but if the opportunity comes up for me to step up and have more responsibility, why shouldn't it be my decision to say yes or no? So, I'm not mad at anyone. Shanna wasn't the one who made the decision, but in fact it was HER boss, and if that's the case, that means it was something SHE seen in Amanda that said "I'm making her AM".
The worst part about everything is, I feel bad, for feeling bad. I talked to Tara about it for a while, through text messages. She put things into perspective for me. Helped me think about it, and I felt better about the situation because I realized, the store's in good hands, a lot of things that happens in retail is BS, and that there's something about me that doesn't exactly scream "leadership abilities" and as the manager of TR, if it were me, we'd be in a really big hole. Probably not true, but that's just how I feel. So, before I can do anything, my 1st job is to change the way I feel and think about myself and re-build the esteem I've lost, instead of sulking and bitching about WHY WHY WHY.
There's a blog I been wanting to write. Put my feelings out here, but you know what, the more I think of it, the less I want to write about it. It's a sad world when I'm feeling a certain way I don't want everyone to know. Maybe if you catch me I'll tell you individually. Maybe not. Depends on who it is and what story I want to tell.
I've heard that quite a few times. It shouldn't make a difference to me one way or another who remembers I exist or not. I'd be lying if I said it never gets to me.
I'm posting this from my blackberry so my character space amount is limited, so I'll try to make this brief. Yes, using my phone because the bill for the cable isn't paid. Although that's Dess' responsibility, I don't blame her for not paying it. She has the only cable box in the house, but everyone uses the Internet and the phone. However, I'm probably online more than anyone else who lives there, and I'm not accruing any additional fees, but I'm more than capable of paying them if I were. So...why do I have to suffer without Internet? Dess has a Laptop and her boyfriend has a laptop and countless games. All I have is Maple Story and a few friends I like playing with or talking to online. So, what about me? Just things seem so short sighted. Oh...fuck me, right? I bet I'm on that list.
