RioSamba.rising
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

I finished Fight Club at exactly 4:22 this morning. It immediately occurred to me how I had missed 4:20 by two minutes... figures. I thought for a couple moments before crashing into the nest of pillows I'd built around myself on my bed.
I dived into sleep last night. It did not sail me away, carry me on sandman's breeze or fall me gently into dreamland- I charged my dreams last night, ran to them sweating, panting, straining every muscle of my consciousness.

My dreams-though hazy by now were thick as the walls on a straw-bale house, dense as pound cake and good as the most comfortable sex you've ever had in your life; familiar, a little rough, soft, grunting and tender.
Have you ever sat on a lawn on a perfect, sunny day- looking at the sun through closed eyes? Feeling the sun's rays palpably penetrate your body like hummingbirds through a field of wildflowers?
Yeah, that too.
All the warmest colors in the world and sharp around the edges are acutely aware of every momentmovementpause and gilded laughter mingles with deep eyes, smoky caffeinated bliss; in a hot tub nestled into the side of a pool on a cool evening, misty, drinking wine like my family did at my grandparents' house so many years ago...
My excelsior into dreamland last night was jumping from that hot tub, overflowing into the crisp and cold but oh so bright chlorinated miasma. Flying on aquatic wings I orbited millennia, boiling the stars of my consciousness home to that sweet surrender.

I slept this morning.

It took me three hours to wake up, spending half of my dreaming, waking.
I floated to the surface into clouds of cotton substance, nullifying any will to wake.
When I'm half-awake, my dreams are tangible. I can feel a familiar story in my pillows, the lean of a line on the horizon, pressed against my cheek...
I glory in the overcast, grey morning, the northwest damp of dreary days dissolving dreamtime.

I came to in a parting of the sky, warming my room in shades of amber, cream and chamomile, bleeding around the edges, a hybrid tea rose- Rio samba rising in the urban morning.

Currently reading : Fight Club: A Novel By Chuck Palahniuk

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There’s something in coffee that means cigarettes
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

I wear a mask too.
I also do not express myself fully to the world.
I am afraid... I fear rejection, I fear scorn, and I fear abandonment.
I want people to love me and I want to shine ever so brightly.
I fear sometimes that I'm a supernova, a blinding flash-flood of fire.
I am afraid I will burn what I touch or whom I touch, and they will go away.
I'm afraid to speak with God's voice, for fear those who hear will die on the spot.
I fear sometimes, I'm an insufferable egomaniac.
Then I feel small, insignificant, and unworthy of those talents creation has bestowed upon my person.
My self-doubt gives way to insubordinate laziness.
I knowingly silence my self with cigarettes, dull my acuity with marijuana and smother my reason with alcohol.
My mad inspirations give way to spontaneous bouts of near-hermitage and neglect of societal functions.
I languish in Messiah complex; although I hear that this is a common affliction for many twenty-somethings... I truly believe it.
I am so afraid of not living up to my own expectations that oftentimes I don't even try.
I realize this is a self-destructive cycle that I've been turning since before entering adulthood.
I've also gotten really good at greasing the wheel just in time, right before it shatters and my Tinker's cart of a life crashes into the mud... or sometimes over a cliff.
I learn from experience.
I am learning to take myself more seriously.
I am learning to do more than survive.
I am learning to live.
I am learning to open up my heart again.
I am learning to see people, not faces.
I am learning to love again.
I am remembering my compassion.
I am remembering my tenacity.
I am remembering my will to grow.
I am remembering to love myself, and care for the body which holds my soul.
I am remembering to love the soul that inhabits my body.
I am remembering to love learning.
I am remembering gratefulness.
I remember truth.
I remember action.

Compulsive me does this every now and then.
After a good couple weeks of introspection and many deep breaths I reflect and transcribe; then I grow.
This time I am not reborn from ash.
I am already present.
This time I recognize my current self and stretch towards the sunlight of personal endeavor.
Phoenixes are brilliant and swift.
Trees are wise and patient.
Phoenixes are immortal.
Trees are eternal.
Phoenixes are impressive.
Trees are love.
I am nitya prem
I am eternal love.
May I be patient enough to draw from my well-spring of wisdom, to truly thrive in deep earth and soft sunshine.
May I love unconditionally to draw from my well-spring of compassion, to provide shelter from fearsome storms and searing heat.
namaste

Currently reading : The Name of the Wind (Kingkiller Chronicle) By Patrick Rothfuss

8:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

downy.bliss
Current mood: opulent
Category: opulent Writing and Poetry

I gently lumber out of sleep,
seeing hazy, all around me:
my dreams floating in the air.

You've written
and with those happy words I drown,
sinking again into downy bliss.

While your soul is with my body,
languid in cloudy pillows,
warm to the rain outside,

My ethereal self is with your body
awake and already in your day
all the way over there.

Upon second waking
I can't remember where we were
and I open my eyes to solitude.

I go to sleep again to be with you.

11:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

autumns’ plight
Current mood: blustery
Category: Writing and Poetry

Slate overhead,

this vast grey lumpy pillow

Currently listening : Led Zeppelin II By Led Zeppelin Release date: 1994-06-21

11:56 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My favorite color is red
Current mood: creative
Category: Blogging

My favorite color is red, deep as a cavern and warm with a gentle bass pulsing in the background. Blood and velvet heartbeats swimming in soft sheets and comfy blankets... pure primal dancing, elongated limbs flowing satin to the overriding melody of Juno Reactor. Le Vent Nous Portera by this French band Noir Desire,  Bhangla, Tool and "I'm Gonna Crawl" sliding down the wall to Led Zeppelin. Sunset in Tucson after it's parched desert valley has been quenched with summer monsoons, thunder that booms the core of your soul and lightening breaking through the crimson horizon.

8:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Shoreplay
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

The sandy beach delicately blown
seeks the ever steady beat of oceanity.
A firm caress of whipping waves
slides away a trillion golden grains
with every seasoned pull.

I wipe the sweat, salty as the sea
from my lover's back, slick and sinewy
to lap up in leonine tongues;
a toast to the origins of humanity,
my silent saline prayer of thanksgiving.

Our submissive shoreline follows the contours
of my body  molded by Triton's wanton hands
who benign, push and roll on sandy skin,
coming quickly, crashing harder, mixing us
'till ocean is indistinguishable from shore.

This sand soup erotic stirred by gentle Moon
is boiled beneath the eye of our very voyeur Sun.
As children pretending a game of house
so we imitate our coastal parents.
Celestial bodies us, swimming in striped sheets.

Currently listening : Rubber Soul By The Beatles Release date: 1990-10-25

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In relation...
Current mood: adventurous

I was writing a friend of mine a letter when I realized it was not so much a correspondence, but a musing/thoughtform/journal entry/etc. Now it is here for bloggy, began as Thing One and finished Thing Two...

I think there's a balance to be found somewhere in between my over-abundant thirst for doing, the constant exploration of this confounding world around me; and the idyllic inexhaustible thirst for learning, the veritable soul-distillation of hermitage... I love dichotomy, and the equilibrium created by opposing forces.

I suppose having the propensity to feel intensely (and be sometimes blind-sighted by emotion and/or immediate gratification) has never been good for things like balance. Being a curious and appreciative being I find myself inexorably drawn to certain people in my life. Whether it betters their life or no (I'd hope so, in some way), and whether or not I hurt myself in touching them, I always learn from the experience and am better able to see the workings of myself and the rest of the world; in relation, or separate from each other.

I've partially given up trying to find the meaning in things; lessons-never, I believe life to be my greatest teacher, and the people I encounter therein... accepting things as they are, trying not to let them effect me as much and focusing instead, on my own little ball of inertia. It's like the older I grow, the more alone I realize I am... I will never fit into small "communities," clicks, groups, or even work very well with others for long amounts of time. It always seems that the more I try to fit into anything the worse it works and the more people shun me.

I'm finding people will readily accept me by myself, or as an "outsider." But never, will I be part of the collective. This is really difficult for one such as I, who places so much emphasis in my own life on my relationships with people. I, who needs the energy of others shining around her as trees need to bask in the light of the soul; am dependent for inspiration and love upon the very people who will always keep me (at some level) at arm's length. This is my confession, and my sadness.

I know my loneliness and sometimes wild abandon balance each other; as a scale holding in one arm a pound of crystal and in the other a pound of flesh. Once again... to dichotomy. I ever seek the balance in-between the two, knowing that it's not what I am made of, that I am not a middle-ground. I'm beginning to believe that it is because of this externally prompted and internally sought quest that leads not only to my sometimes seemingly perpetual laziness, but also to those moments where I am cognizant of touching the divine, the pure contentment and one-ness of being in tune with everything, and nothing too.

I feel extraordinarily uncomfortable in "society." It itches, it makes me want to take my skin off, it makes me want to take their skin off. I want to peel back the shiny veneer of our decadent "civilization" and throw mud at them...

Really. I want to smother modern America in pure, rich, beautiful brown mud; All over! So they know it's ok. Mud squishes and its' dirty, but it's from the earth that made us and it's gonna be alright! That's why there are rivers (aplenty in Portland).

I want to filthy up society with good dirt so they will live through it and understand that the earth isn't poison. The world we've created under all those miles of concrete and asphalt may be, but the dirt all around and underneath all of man's little mess is A-Okay! It grows food and plants and animals and (as far away as we've distanced ourselves) us!

I am thinking maybe I could organize a Portland Annual Mud Fest in Pioneer Square, right in the middle of downtown! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's a nice idea with all those fancy shops around and too-smelly poufed-up women, but the dummies would probably slip on all mud and land in brick... Ouch.

Maybe people aren't ready for mud again yet, but I have hope that we'll get back to earth soon enough. We can all live together I think, in comfort and peace (and exciting funstuff like mudfights!)... Someday. Soon enough.

be happy :)

Currently reading : Autobiography of a Yogi: with bonus CD By Paramahansa Yogananda

8:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

star-crossed artists
Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Writing and Poetry

And we are as moths to the flame,

the beat of that ever-present

effervescent drum.

Pulled with tidal force

entomological oceans crash into eachother

searching in frantic breaths

for that one warm place to call home.

In this moment I am calm as clay

cupped in a gentle riverbed

basking in the sun

of a radiant afternoon.

And every time it sets

is like dying.

Currently reading : The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra Release date: 2003-09-30

8:51 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Feint Flying
Current mood: blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

wishes float lightly
wafting above a verdant sea
playing with the breeze
breathed from one mouth
to another 

wishes delicately drift
whispering to crests of clovers
breaking on emerald blades
bent softly by the dance
of souls

wishes swim lazily
riding the balmy current
our hazy summer dreams
written as above in clouds
so below

Currently reading : Skinny Legs and All By Tom Robbins Release date: 1995-11-01

8:48 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Of Myths and Men
Current mood: artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry

I met a man who worked
in a nuclear reactor for five years.
His scalp glows in the dark
incandescent under ebony hair
moving with his head in quiet conversation.

I met a man who meditated
for six hours straight.
He walked in a shield of mirrors
none of which reflected his image
but I broke one and now he has a keyhole.

I met a musician once
who bought seven pounds of Mary Jane.
It is said that when he performs
and humbly hums his harmonica
his soul sings smoke.

Currently listening : Duniya By Loop Guru Release date: 1995-10-03

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