a mother’s cry
Category: Writing and Poetry

I heard a mother's cry

From far away I knew it

That pain, that cold

That gut wrenching cry

I had tears in my eyes

Before I could even think

A mother's pain in losing

A child held so close

Is not universally felt

Unless the knowledge is firsthand

I heard a mother's cry

And my body went cold

With the painful knowing

That mother was now like me

How much I wanted to hug her

Make it all better for her

Like no one could for me

A mother's love is endless

Even when a life is not

A mother's pain is endless

Even when the world has moved on

A mother's cry is endless

Even when its only inside

I heard a mother's cry today

And my heart broke for her

Tears burned my eyes

Because now I knew

She was like me

~~brandi richardson~~

2:22 PM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

news news news!!!!!
Current mood: blissful
Category: Life

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!  and excited as hell! i just found out saturday.

ok. you can go about ur normal business now lol

love,

brandi

1:41 PM - 27 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

bitterly
Category: Writing and Poetry

you push me away

bitterly

my apologies fall on your deaf ears

you curse my name

bitterly

and now your eyes

they look at me

bitterly

i stand ashamed amist my foolish pride

cuz for us... there'll be no more

for us...there'll be no more

and now my eyes

 they look at you

bitterly

bitterly

bitterly

...............

that is all the words to this song.. but it makes me feel so much.. i come to tears just about every single time i hear it. it is by me'shell n'degeocello. everyone needs to go find her and listen.

6:23 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sometimes things have a mind of their own....
Category: Writing and Poetry

I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason. That being said, it has been a year almost to the day that I lost my oldest son in a car accident, and I still cannot find the reason for that. No religious comforts or human reasoning skills can convince me of a particular truth as to why my oldest son is no longer here gracing the world with his million dollar smile. I simply have no answers. I dont think that anyone does.

All I know is that today I went looking for my old pocketbook all over my house. I looked in all the places that I thought it may be, and it was nowhere. During this search, I decided to look through tubs that I have all over the place full of clothes no one wears and random junk that has no place. There has been a blue rubbermaid tub sitting on my loveseat in my bedroom since I moved into this place right before Christmas. I always just overlooked it and assumed it was filled with crap I dont need.

I opened this tub today. In it, I found all the things I asked to be put up so that I wouldnt find them for a long time. I found all of the things from my son's funeral. I found pictures that I used to decorate boards to celebrate his life so that people could see what an impression his presence made on the world. I found a grief book for dummies that my best friend bought me to help me deal with pain that I have spent the last year stuffing down deeper and deeper. I found the receipt for the tombstone that I spent so much time deliberating on what would be appropriate for a 7 year old that I would never get to see again. I found cards from people I didnt know who cared enough to wish me well. I found lost memories that I used to cherish before I closed myself off to reality.

In this tub, I found things that needed to be found right when they needed to be. I found things that seem to have a mind of their own with a brain that knows that it is time for me to face the facts. I found misery. I found love. I found missed joy. I found tears. I found friendship. I found emotions that I have not wanted to feel. I found pain that needs to be let loose. I found my son's reality. And mine.

I live day to day fighting a battle that I will never win. I scream inside myself for comfort that will never come. I stifle pain till it chokes me. I deal with my sadness by pretending that it is just not there. I smile and I laugh, but its not the truth. I feel guilt that I know shouldnt be there, but it is. Even though I do have happiness in my life, I feel this overwhelming pain that wont subside. This simple tub has been sitting right in front of me for all this time waiting for the moment that it would open and show me my reality. Hidden in plain sight, my pain has taken over my life.

This tub allowed me to realize that it is time to deal with this mess that I have let build up inside me until it feels like I am going to implode. This day is the day that I am going to stop stuffing this all down and let it come to the surface. I am going to feel this sadness till I cant anymore. I am going to let my son's beautiful face in these pictures guide my emotions.

Monday, I am going to call a professional and deal with this with help that I desperately need. I am tired of feeling like I am only half alive. I know that my son would not want me to be this way. His only care in the world was to make people smile. I want to smile for him again.

5:14 PM - 14 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

a prayer for peace when it seems so far away....
Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Writing and Poetry

i look at the clock one minute

and 5 minutes later

5 hours have passed

that last look

that last word

should be burned

into my brain

but time makes things fuzzy

and pain gets locked away

almost a year later

its fresher than it was then

and my heart aches

my chest feels heavy

from these unnamed emotions

tears seep thru

no matter how i try

to hold it all in

and combat this hurt

memories are a funny being

live inside yourself

they breathe and beat

their very own pattern

each waking moment

of each and every day

its been almost a year

and still i hold you here

i cant let you leave

because i cant let myself see

i hear your laughing voice

whispering in my ear

mommy let me go

you dont need me here

but i do need you with me

and i just cant let you go

i dont know who this person is

that lives in me now

she is tired of holding back

and her head hurts from holding in

all these words i just cant say

but my heart knows them anyway

i can talk of you like nothing happened

i can see your face and not feel it

but deep inside im dying

and tonight i just cant stop

this crying...

help me let you go

i need to lose control

if only for a little while

help me get thru this night

just feeling this way feels like death

but its mine and not yours

i see your face that last day

and time keeps making it fuzzy

i hear your laughter on the wind

and i long to reach out

but i know that nothings there

for me to hold onto

help me let you go

becuz mommies arent always

the strong ones

we need you to make us so.....

10:05 PM - 13 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

day approaches
Category: Writing and Poetry

as the day approaches

my mind and heart wonder

will i survive?

im a survivor of many things

mostly bad, but some good

but sometimes it seems

things take their hold on you

and threaten to never let go

i dont want to be that

person in the mirror

wondering at the lost stare

she sees looking back

but i cant keep wishing

that this dream will end

i cant keep hoping

that morning will save me

i sleep and i sleep

and life passes by

dont really have a reason

but i know why

as the day approaches

i wonder to myself

will i survive?

keep repeating

and make it come true

i think i can

i think i can

i think i can......

~~brandi richardson~~

6:42 AM - 10 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

in remembrance of young night
Category: Writing and Poetry

i remember being not quite a teen

walking along in the night, unafraid

i would smile at the rustles in the woods

and never jump at the possible dangers

i can recall times when i lay

right in the middle of the road

at 3am daring someone to drive by

and just crush me. bam. dead right there

i wasnt scared

never could i dredge up

one ounce of fear

now as i walk to the mailbox

at 1 in the morning

i feel the need to have my dog

walking along beside me

this fear i feel in my bones

has no name

has no  real source

its just darkness

threatening to swallow me up

my skin crawls with the anticipation

of what could happen

when did this fear arise?

is this not backwards?

young night was exhilerating

made me feel free

now as an adult

i feel anxiety that i shouldnt

should this mean something

other than what it is?

have i lost something on this journey

that was a vital piece of myself?

fear is not born

it is developed

over time

and life

darkness used to comfort

now it only weeps for me

~~brandi richardson~~

10:18 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

funniest or most humiliating story of my life....
Category: Life

ok so i went to take off a truck bed full of trash a little bit ago and on the way there, i lost 2 bags of trash on the side of the road. not in the same place but on 2 different roads. ok, so i didnt have anything right then to pick it up with so i went on to the dump and then came home to get a few trash bags and the broom and dustpan. (i knew there would be cigg butts everywhere so thats why i got the broom and such..) so, the first place i lost a bag was 2 houses down from mine so i stopped there first. that bag wasnt so bad. it was mostly where i had cleaned off my desk and had a lot of old papers and whatnot. so i proceed to pick that up and the ppl across the road are watching the whole time along with some teenage guys who drove by and slowed down to look. it took me like 5 minutes to get all that up.

fast forward to about 3 minutes from my house to the next bag i lost. this bag exploded and landed all over the place, including the yard across the road. ok so i pull up and park on the side of the road and look and there is the sherriff walking around my trash. she comes up and asks me is the trash mine and i tell her yes and that i was just about to get it up. she looks at me really funny and asks me do i want some rubber gloves. i laugh and say sure. while i am talking to her, the family who called the sherriff is all in their yard laughing and watching. i thought it was kinda funny myself so i laughed too. there were 4 little girls aging from 3 to about 10 in the yard. i think nothing of it.

well, as i walk around and start picking up the trash, i realized which bag of trash is laying in these ppl's yard. it was my private bathroom trashcan along with my bedroom trash. yeah. ok to make this sink in to you ppl, most of you know that i have a new bf... what most ppl dont know is that i am a nympho haha. soooooo..... what i just spent the last little bit picking up is like about 50 condoms... yeah. CONDOMS. 50 of them. along with my tampons and an assload of q-tips.

i realized as i was picking all of this up why that nice sherriff lady had that funny look on her face and why this family of ppl were laughing. yeah. i started giggling my ass off looking like a crazy person on the side of the road. cars were slowing down to look at me. i would have looked at me and wondered what kind of drugs i was on. haha

so after i have picked up all the trash, i walk to the ppl's house and the little girls all come on the porch. i asked them can i talk to their mommy. she comes out and just starts laughing. i imagine i had a funny look on my face right about then. i looked and her and just started laughing my ass off and tell her that im sorry. she busts out laughing again and tells me its ok. i told her that i didnt realize what bag it was until i got into picking it up and tell her that im sorry her kids had to see that. she just laughed harder and said that it wasnt my fault and that she had only called the sherriff becuz she had seen what was in the trash and said that the sherriff would have had to pick it up if i didnt come back. i thought that was funny. i bet that sherriff lady was thanking her lucky stars when i pulled up!!

seriously, this has to be the most funny story i will be able to tell my grandkids when they start having sex, or the most humiliating story. i havent decided yet. i called my gramma and was telling her about it and she was all practical about it. haha she was like, "these things happen". what is that??? how many ppl do you know that this has happened to?? i mean, really? hahahahahahahahahhahaha

4:57 PM - 18 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

on these nights...
Category: Writing and Poetry

on these nights

i am lost in my own head

thinking of precious time

that i wish i could find

on these nights

headphones save me

as the music plays on

and i sing and i cry

on these nights

i just merely surrender

to all these emotions

swirling in my heart

on these nights

sleep is a far fetched dream

as my exhaustion recedes

and i run on pure need

on these nights

my tears are my friend

and only these nights

can i really feel you

on these nights

i long for serenity

as i remember your face

smiling in my heart

on these nights

writing comes easily

as i unlock my fingers

and just let them fly

on these nights

i am at my most broken

sitting here alone holding myself

and wishing for someone else

~~brandi richardson~~

5:23 AM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

dear nicholas
Category: Writing and Poetry

my sweet boy,

      i know that you are only 7 and forever will remain so, but i feel that you have gained a wisdom that i dont possess. i am feeling a lot of mixed emotions lately. i miss you so much. as the time gets closer and closer to that one year mark since i have seen your beautiful face, i get an ache in my heart for you. i long to hear your voice and to hear you say "mommy" in that particular way you have. i can hear it in my memories but its not the same. my body feels so tired in its pursuit to keep my emotions at bay. i hold myself so rigid sometimes when i feel this wave of sadness envelope me. everything reminds me of you. my throat hurts now from trying to hold back these tears. i dont even know why i try to hold them in. i just have this overwhelming fear that once i start letting myself really feel your loss, it will not ever go back into the shadows. i dont mean to keep you in the back of my mind baby, it is just the only way i know how to stay sane. i miss you so much sometimes that it is a physical pain in my heart. i have been really happy lately, and yet still so sad. i dont know why, but i guess karma has finally deemed me worthy of a little bit of happiness. i know you have seen mike here. your brother really loves him and so do i. he treats us really good and i know that if u were here, he would love you too. i tell him alot about you, and for some reason i never feel uncomfortable about talking about u to him. i do feel that way sometimes with other ppl. i know that ppl say that i should talk about you, but sometimes i worry that i scare ppl cuz i talk about u like you are still here with me. i still feel you around me sometimes. but when i dont feel you, i get really sad. i think you know this. mommies arent the best ppl in the world, and i know that i didnt always give you what u wanted, but i am hoping that all your unhappy memories are blurred by the amount of happy times we had. i didnt really take you a lot of places or do a lot of cool things with you, but i always thought i would have more time to do those things. most of my best memories of us together are when we were doing those everyday type things. i miss your giggle so much. i miss the times when you got so hyper that i couldnt help but laugh at some of the most absurd things we argued about. i loved it when u asked me off the wall questions and when u believed my just as off the wall answers. i try to smile when i think of you and just not think about the fact that i will never get to see you again. its like i still havent really felt the huge hole you left here in my heart. i know that i havent because if i did, life wouldnt be possible without your smile. i sit here sometimes trying to think of a way to describe the way i feel about losing you, and no words come. i know that most ppl think that i should stop grieving over you and that time heals wounds, but let me tell you, i dont think i will ever get over you. i live and i laugh and i try to make the best out of what i am dealt, but there will never be a time when i can feel complete happiness without a huge dose of guilt because you cant be here to share it with me. i hate the fact that i will never know how it feels to watch my oldest son walk down the aisle at his graduation. i hate the fact that i will never see your face as a man. i hate the fact that i will never know what kind of father you would be. i just wish i could talk to you one more time. and tell you that i love you again. there are so many things that i wanted to teach you and show you, but i will never have that chance, how do ppl go .. the loss of a child? every time i do something cool, one of my first thoughts is how much i would love to have you with me. the other day i touched my first llama, and i almost cried thinking about how cool you would think that was. i just have these moments when the world stops and i am standing alone and it feels like i am empty without you. when i got pregnant with you, i was just a kid myself, but i knew that i loved you and i wanted you so bad. i knew that before i ever felt you move inside me that you would be the love of my life. and you were. you were the first little man that ever really had my heart. i loved your daddy, but he had nothing on you. i remember the first time i laid eyes on you, i looked down and just said hey. and it was like you were looking right thru me. i wondered right then if you loved me as much as i loved you. and then ur little fingers curled around mine and i knew. i knew that nothing in my life would be as great as that one moment in time. it was like the world wasnt there at all. just you and me and your daddy and i felt so happy. i looked into those big blue eyes of yours and melted. even during our worst days of dealing with your adhd, i loved you so much. you had so much intelligence in you that it blew me away at times. i hated putting you thru all those medicines to try to help you in school. i hated those first meds that made you sleepy and have headaches. i wanted my hyper little boy back so i told her to take you off of that med cuz you werent yourself at all. i am sorry that i tried to take away what made you you. if it wasnt for all the problems you had at school, i would have never made you take anything at all. as nervewracking as you could be at times, i loved you so much. i loved those little things that made you you. i just miss you so bad. i know that jacob does too. he doesnt even call you "bubba" anymore. mike said it just might be his way of dealing with losing you. he calls you "brother" or just nicholas. it breaks my heart. but i know that he feels your loss just as much or ever more than i do. i dont know how to talk to him about it. we just feel each other out most of the time. i know that he gets lonely without you. you were his world. both of you were mine. i even feel guilty sometimes becuz now that i know that life can be taken from us at any time, i make sure to do those little things with him. i make sure that he feels my love all the time. i am truly sorry that i wasnt always fun to be around. i am sorry for working so much and not being with you as much as possible. i wish i could turn back the clock and do it all over again starting when u were born. oreo must know that i am feeling down cuz she is sitting on me while i am trying to type. she really is a good dog. she will be having puppies again soon. i hope u see them. i dont know why, but i feel like you are still able to see us. i feel like you are really around. i know that one night that i heard you in my room. i heard your voice as clear as day. please do that again. i miss you. i love you.

love always,

mommy

7:49 AM - 14 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

tattered in flames
Category: Writing and Poetry

my friend calyn inspired this one... she is a talented artist who doesnt know her true worth... i feel something i cant name when i look at her art and this is just a poem that came from an image in my head of her art that was on display at my school yesterday.... thanks for the inspiration, calyn!

Tattered in flames

She watches the words

Float away

Gray with age

Withered in ash

Who set this fire?

She wonders to herself

There are fairies

Flying, no flittering about

Whispering worriedly

About the importance

Of words

She dances there

By the fire

Freely

Enchanting

Keeping time

With the rhythm

Of the words

Drifting away

Sounds soothing

Crackling papers

Making the dance

Seductive in its

Innocence

Tattered in flames

The world watches

With bated breath

As the words

Float away

Never to be seen again…..

~~Brandi Richardson~~

3:44 PM - 16 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

happy
Category: Writing and Poetry

Eyes open as though

It's the very first time

Hearts unfold

Like a growing vine

Connections are simple

But so very vast

My pulse is racing

First look till the last

From intense passion

To that silly state

This must be real

It has to be fate

Faster and faster

I am falling still

Never will I ever

Get my fill

Your eyes tell me

This is all so true

My mind tells me

To believe in you

Never have I felt

This way

I just want to stay

Forever in this day

In your arms

I want to be

In this moment,

And for eternity

~~Brandi Richardson~~

5:36 PM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

remembering....
Category: Life

last year around this time i remember sitting at mickey’s house watching american idol gives back with you.. you looked at me with those big blue eyes of yours and i was crying because i was listening to carrie underwood singing her version of "i’ll stand by you"" and watching as they showed people in african communities who had nothing. i remember so clearly you telling me not to cry. it was ok. you were going to get a job one day when you were "big" and send them all your money. you even offered to send them your toys now. it was amazing to see your 6 year old mind show that kind of compassion and thought for others. i had less than 10 dollars in my bank account at the time and i thought it was better to call and donate it to this cause and i told you what i was going to do and you looked at me so proud and told me it was a really good idea. so we did call. we donated that small amount to them and i loved seeing how excited you were about it. at that moment, i was so proud of you just for being the little boy you were. that is one of my fondest memories of us together. tonight as i watched american idol gives back again, it didnt hit me until i was listening to daughtry sing "what about now". i just started balling remembering that look in your eyes that night about a year ago...

nicholas, mommy misses you terribly. i have been telling someone all about you a lot lately and i think that he is going to be someone special in our lives... and i really wish you were here to meet him. i know that you would love him. every time i feel a little bit of happiness, i feel it for you too. i hate knowing that you arent here to experience these things with me and jacob. mike would have loved you so much. i know you two would get along so good. when i tell him about you, he just smiles and takes my hand, and i feel like you can feel my emotions too. do you look down on us? i like to think that you do. i really hope that you can share in the joy that he brings to me and jacob. i want you to be a part of this great thing that i feel like is starting. you know that you will always be the biggest part of my heart. i just miss you so much. i hope that you know how much i love you, my beautiful boy.... i just wanted you to know that mommy was thinking of you tonight.... i love you.

7:56 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

thinking about loss
Category: Life

i never really realized how much loss my family has had to deal with until lately. i think that it is some sort of family omen that the people in our family lose a child. my great gramma lost several children. my gramma lost a 9 year old son. my mama lost a baby to still birth. my sister lost her first baby to miscarriage. my cousin lost her baby to still birth. my uncle lost a son to a drunk driver. and i lost my son in a car accident.  i may be forgetting some ppl in my extended family, but that is alot of young deaths.

explain to me why one family should endure so much loss? it is baffling to me that so many very young lives were taken from us.... it seriously blows my mind that this could be like a true omen or something.

is this what future generations in my family have to look forward to?

11:05 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Invitation to poetry game...
Category: Writing and Poetry

Hey people! I am currently taking an online class for World Lit, and came across an interesting game of linked-verse poetry. Its called Renga. I just thought it would be fun to have a bunch of people do this with me. If anyone is interested, then please leave a comment and tell me what sort of subject you would like to write about. We have to come up with a common theme and then each person writes a verse. The verses go in specific order of 5-7-5 then 7-7. That means that the first verse has 5 syllables on the first line, then 7 on the next, and then 5 on the last. Then, the 2nd verse has just two lines of 7 syllables. It seems like it would be fun! So, anyone want to play???

11:28 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment