how
Current mood: tired

how and when does it get better

how and when does it make sense

how and when do little things stop setting off flashbacks

how and when do I stop thinking in circles

how and when do I sleep ok again

how and when do I stop chain-smoking

how and when do I start eating

how and when do I wake up from this

to realize it was all just a bad dream

probably not now or anytime soon

but that's life, isn't it

10:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

the only good thing
Current mood: tired

about a dark night of the soul is that according to all accounts there should be a light on the other end. I wonder when that comes to pass..

2:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

synchronicity and such
Current mood: emotionally raw

The last two weeks have been, hands down, the most painful in my life. the emotional pain spilled into physical, too, quite often.

But interestingly enough, as this loss threatened to overwhelm me, I am finding myself also in a flow of events that makes me think, increasingly, of synchronicity. How strange is that? perhaps, the Universe works in such ways: in order to gain something you must lose something equally valuable to make space for it?

Don't get me wrong, the pain is still there. It comes and goes, but I am keeping my heart open,although it makes everything even more painful. See, when you close your heart.. in a way, you also lose your connection to the Universe, to life. It may be easier on the surface to go through things with your heart closed, because it would hurt less, but it is through pain, as I have discovered in the past weeks, that sometimes the most sublime insights arrive.

Perhaps I am becoming a Buddhist, ha. I don't know. I do know, however, that I have grown up, immensely, in the past 3 years and in a final rush/ rather painful growth spurt in the last six weeks. And, what is even more miraculous, I also have a brand new body of work/ songs written over the past month to prove it.

But then isn't fast growth actually somewhat painful anyway? you know, those kids,who are always shorter than anyone else, and then all of a sudden spring into action by growing like young trees virtually over weeks, rather than years.. I remember reading about the phenomenon. Doesn't the term 'growing pains' come from it? I feel like that. I feel I have been stretched upwards - and well, inwards, since I must have lost 6-7 pounds in the past 10 days - and in all sorts of directions. I am feeling the pain, the loss, everything, grief, but I am also feeling rather alive, which is interesting.. I do feel occasional anger, but it's more of something to help balance the grief.. kind of some fire to balance all the water in my emotional system.

And there you have it. It is going to be a rather interesting month in a number of ways.

Say a little prayer for me, whoever you are, reading this blog..

12:50 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

recovery..
Current mood: calm

..starts now.

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.

Edna St. Vincent Millay, "A Few Figs from Thistles", 1920
US poet (1892 - 1950)

8:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

surreal life
Current mood: crushed

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know
by Keane

..I am so completely heartsick today, it's a joke.

3:59 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

life change

This quote belongs to someone else:

This pattern of instant upheaval with little or no notice that it is about to happen, as to reoccurred somewhat frequently in my life since then. But I have adapted to it, realised that there is no real security in life, for anybody, but rather than worry about it, it is best to simply take your chances and simply deal with whatever life throws at you as it happens. Being forced outside of your comfort zone and into a crisis point, forces you to grow and evolve a being and if it does not crush you, makes you into a stronger person.

It applies to what has recently happened to me and is still happening.

It has changed everything, including my music. And as painful as these upheavals can be, I am thankful for the opportunity. Life is too precious to be lived on the surface.

I have written an entire brand new album in the past month.

It is my best work.

8:16 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

plans
Current mood: awake

So, if you are interested, the plan is to make Breakfast with Chopin an actual independent project...as in side-project. I have tons more classically-oriented songs which would also incorporate my operatic singing, and I am quite looking forward to that. However, my most recent songs, and the piano+voice album are not in that vein at all...After much thought I realized that separating them is the best thing.

That also means that.. this myspace profile will remain dedicated to Breakfast with Chopin, which will also become a bona fide name of the project.

And we will be creating another myspace profile for other songs.. the acoustic me.

11:14 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

another song preview
Current mood: sleepy

This is a rough of a song - a little waltz, what can I say, I love waltzes - called 'I Almost Loved You'.

Enjoy.

4:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

kicking ass
Current mood: animated

So far I am not doing it..yet. But I am hopeful. Oh, I am talking about martial arts. I have long wanted to do some form of martial arts, and it looks like I found my home.. it's an old form of Chinese kung fu, called san soo. It's great. It's also very, very practical. I love the school, the instructor, the vibe of the sessions and the people. As I put (fumblingly) my white belt on, I felt very smug (in that good way, I guess). I am being self-deprecating, of course. Anyhow, I am very excited and looking forward to learning more of it and becoming all a latently violent Russian artist can be;-)

Apart from that, I have been on a writing jag this past week, and just may have to revise some of my previous CD plans.. these songs just hit me and they are, by far, the best stuff I have channeled yet.. I am not being coy, either. I am also practising like a demon (do demons practice, or they just snap their fingers and make it happen? I wish I had that ability) and getting over a nearly missed strep throat.

I also went to see Tosca the other night - well, was taken to see it for the three year anniversary of my relationship. Yes, I have made it three years into it. No, don't ask for any tips, I am still as confused over all this as anyone. Tosca was great, although I have to admit that I had enjoyed the Police more. What does that say about me? Well, probably, as my partner pointed out, the musicianship involved in the Police concert was so vastly superb that it eclipsed even the operatic stars of the other night - of course not comparing them per se, just their excellence.

As much as I love the Tosca character, once you heard Callas sing her, you're toast. Same goes for Cavaradossi sung my Pavarotti. The friendly American tenor was fine - and had a very impressive resume - but I am afraid that Puccini done by Pavarotti still remains one of my favorite dishes, since Puccini alone can sometimes get too much for me. It has to be done..just right.

I also have to say that since recently I saw La Traviate and now Tosca, I had to admit to myself that (no offence to Puccini) his choice of characters annoys me somewhat. I know, I know, this sounds preposterous. But Cavaradossi has always struck me as a wimp.. or, well, a bit of a impractical person.. Oh, I don't know. Suffice it to say that for some reason I have always thought that if in real life he went on living, he would indeed have a little liason with the lovely Marchesa and Tosca would knife him in the end, rather than Scarpia.

Same goes for the tenor gentleman in La Traviata. Why didn't he fight for her? You know, do the right thing, all that. Be manly and stand up for your woman and tell your father to mind his own business.

Oh wait, he's not a baritone. That explains it. Tenors are notoriously finicky, sentimental and somewhat unreliable.

8:11 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

synchronicity
Current mood: vital

I love synchronicity. When you are in the right state, with the flow of life, things seem to happen for a reason and they appear connected. Synchronicity and serendipity go together. There are so many layers to life and living it.. we tend to normally focus on just one or two. It's just being human, really.

I have been feeling very much in the flow of it recently.

Speaking of synchronicity,  we went to see The Police last week at the Hollywood Bowl. It was hands down the best rock concert I had ever seen. It was the best equal mix of intimidating and inspiring I had ever been exposed to.

I am still affected just thinking about it: that perfect balance of skill and talent. It was all there.

But then someone told us that the first time they went on the road together again after all those years, it was pretty bad. So the lesson stands: it was skill + genius + hard work that made this phenomenon of a Tuesday night show that I was privileged to see from the Terrace Boxes. A good lesson to all of us, me especially.

Practice, practice, practice and screw complacency..

3:25 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment