7.18.08

Hilarious stuff from the Colbert Report this week.  After asking the band Rush who their early musical influences were, Stephen asked "You're known for your long songs.  Have you ever written a song so epic that later in the song you were actually influenced by yourselves at the beginning of the song, since it was so much earlier in your career?" 

Very funny stuff.  And then Rush performed and of course I changed the channel because I can't stand Rush.  It's not so much that I don't like masturbatory prog rock.  I am just virulently anti-Canadian.

But in honor of Geddy and the boys, my entire set at TT the Bears this Monday will be comprised of one long wanky synth solo.  I'm planning on bogarting almost all of Marc Pinansky from Township's time and possibly spinning the world backward on its axis to cut into opener Jen Murdza's set. 

Come for the rock.  Stay for the science. 

7:18 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

7.17.08

Ah, the sweet halcyon days of begging friends to vote for us in online contests to open for national touring acts.  Remember the Hanson contest?  Yeah, me too.

These days, we leave that sort of stress to the professionals, like our buddy bands The Luxury and Aloud.  Now, I'm not telling you which one of these great band to vote for at www.coldplayontour.com/wfnx, but the top three vote getters get their shit sent to to the band.  Then, the intern at Coldplay Inc selects a band to open for them at the Garden.  Uh... I mean, Chris Martin HIMSELF selects the band.  I'm sure he's really personally invested in the whole thing.

So do your butt buddy Brendo a favor and vote for The Luxury or Aloud.  Just to be fair, half of you vote for The Luxury and the other half for Aloud.  I'll leave it up to you to decide how you want to break up the voting.  I'd say eeny meeny is your best bet.

Remember what Puffy says - vote or he will kill you.

You know what you need to take the pressure off all this responsible citizenry?  A nice mellow night of acoustic music.  What a coincidence!  I'm playing an acoustic show at TT the Bear's with Marc Pinansky (big shot singer from Township) and Jen Murdza (pixie-like wise ass) this Monday night.  It's early, it's cheap, and it's a great way to spend a Monday night.  Come on by.

6:09 AM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

7.16.08

MySpace is acting itchier than Brett Favre right now, so I'm going to dispense with the funny making and get to the point:  come see me play acoustic this Monday night (July 21) at TT the Bears Place in Central Square, Cambridge. 

I'll be playing with Marc Pinansky from 2007 WBCN Rumble winners Township as well as Jen Murdza who as far as I can tell has won nothing except America's hearts. 

Come on out from some acoustic action from me, your new Monday night delight.  I'll tape RAW for you.

6:19 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

7.15.08

Someone please add the MLB Homerun Derby to the "Things I Used To Like That Have Now Been Ruined" list.  I think I'll put it at around number 241 right above The West Wing but below Scarlett Johanssen.

Last night's derby was already slated to be a tough night as the sappy tributes to that glorified toilet bowl known as Yankee Stadium were on full blast.  Yeah, yeah, yeah Mickey Mantle Reggie Jackson blah blah blah.  I'll always remember Yankee Stadium as the place I watched some jackoff from the Bronx punch a guy in the face in front of his 10-year old kid for wearing a Red Sox cap.  Put that in the highlight reel, ESPN.

Last night's derby featured a stellar record-breaking performance by recovering crack and heroin addict turned born again Christian Josh Hamilton.  Now, I'm not naive - I know that the media salivates over a redemption story like that.  And really, good for the guy.  I'm glad he overcame his addiction. 

But does EVERY national sports contest have to turn into a very special episode of Blossom now?  Baseball is especially prone to this garbage, probably because of the slower pace of the game.  The Fox broadcasts of the playoffs have become almost unwatchable.  And this is even after they took Scooter the Talking Baseball behind the booth and gangland executed him.  If only they could do the same to Jeannie Zelasko. 

The worst part of last night's broadcast was that during Hamilton's absolutely epic run of homeruns, I heard a commentator's voice (I think it was Peter Gammons, but I was busy actually, you know, watching the contest) saying something like "Hamilton overcame drug addiction by finding God.  Looks like it's a bad day to be an atheist."  Ugh.

Let me educate you, ESPN.  Most atheists are perfectly fine with Josh Hamilton using his faith to overcome his addiction.  In fact, faith can be a tremendous tool for people overcoming difficulty in their lives.  But sadly, Josh Hamilton hitting 28 homeruns has little to nothing to do with whether or not there is a God.

Why is everything terrible now?  Why?

6:38 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

7.14.08

I like to gloat, so I'll present to you the two funniest things I said this weekend.  Because I'm terrific.

Funny Thing I Said 1:  My friend JRock was visiting from LA, leading to the following exchange:

JRock:  "I need a haircut really bad."

Me:  "JRock, you're not in LA anymore.  People around here care about image."

Funny Thing I Said 2:  I was looking at a girl I know's license and it had the middle initial "V," to which I asked:

Me:  "What's the V stand for?"

Girl I Know:  "Take a guess."

Me:  "Roman numeral five."

I should have a scribe follow me around at all times to catch these pearls as they fall from my lips.  Any volunteers?

You can turn in your applications a week from tonight at TT the Bears in Cambridge at my acoustic show.

6:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

7.11.08

Can we just for a minute discuss how absolutely horrible that new New Kids on the Block song is?  It's really abysmal.  One of the worst songs I've ever heard.

Don't get me wrong - I'd like to think that at this point in my life, I have the ability to enjoy a good NKOTB jam.  In fact, when I heard there was going to be a reunion, I think a big part of me actually wanted to like whatever they put out.  I'm not sure why - maybe on some level that New Kid-despising seventh grade version of me needed a little psychic healing.

But even I can't get on board with that "Summertime" bullshit.  Bland, monotone, poorly produced, and has absolutely no hook.  Whatever computer program that came up with that song should be crying into its circuit board right now.  For shaaame.

If anyone actually likes this song, feel free to defend it or forever hold your peace.

7:27 AM - 5 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

7.10.08

As many of you may know, it's always been a dream of mine to be a male model.  That asshole Tyra Banks has been rejecting my audition tapes for years now.  Apparently, I'm "too sexy" and it "wouldn't be fair to the other girls."  Look, it's not my fault I look this good!  I'm a lethal combination of green tea, genetics, and frequent exfoliation.

I may be beautiful, but I'm still a human being, damn it.  I have feelings and dreams.  And I'm going to be honest with you - I was ready to give up on my dreams.  A little piece of your boy Brendo was about to die inside.

But finally, it happened.  I got my first modeling job - I'm the pitch man for Clifford the Big Red Dog brand juice boxes:

Here I come, Donald Draper!  I'm money and I don't even know it.

6:22 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

7.9.08

This morning, the universe is conspiring to to make things difficult, including posting on this friggin blog.  So I'm going to do the only reasonable thing in this situation - show you a picture of a giant panda:

... and then call it a day.

2:29 PM - 7 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

7.8.08

First and foremost, let us all give praise and thanks that it is Pete "Honey Tips" Galea's birthday today.  He is our shepherd and we shall not want.

Speaking of cheap motherfuckers (just kidding, Pete), I witnessed first hand someone skipping out on a check at a restaurant yesterday afternoon.  The amazing thing was that she and I were the only ones at the bar.  It wasn't a bustling time when someone could slip out the door.  She dined and ditched in mid-afternoon when the staff outnumbered the patrons ten to one.  It was really quite breathtaking.

It was around 3pm and I was grabbing a quick lunch at a local chain restaurant between Job 1 (selling propane) and Job 2 (selling propane accessories).  Since it was an odd hour, the bar consisted of me, the bartender, and this perfectly nice, reasonable-seeming older lady.  She was having pleasant conversation with the bartender and reading a magazine as she ate and drank.

Here was the stroke of genius - she ordered coffee and a dessert.  Once she put her order in, she asked where the bathroom was and left the magazine on the bar.  The bartender didn't think twice - this woman had a delicious dessert coming, right?

The coffee and the dessert sat on the bar next to the open magazine for about 15 minutes before anyone even noticed she was gone.  In an empty restaurant, she slipped out undetected.  I must say - it was an impressive bit of chew and screw. 

Of course, I felt terrible for the bartender (the lady got her for almost $50) and left her an oversized tip for my meager meal of oysters and Clamato.  But I must admit - I was pretty impressed by the lady's technique.  I sat next to her for twenty minutes and never suspected I was in the presence of a criminal genius!

In closing, people who steal are cool.  Remember that, kids.

1:24 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

7.7.08

I was totally turned around on fireworks this weekend!  They're great!  I had no idea that standing around with gaping maw looking at loud noises in the sky could be so entralling.  And oh - the people you meet!  I started chanting "USA!  USA!" as a joke and was met with a chorus of drunk girls singing that "Proud To Be An American" song completely unironically.  And I was amongst Allston hipsters!  What's happening to this country when a drunken "USA" chant among too-cool-for-school college students is taken as a display of actual national pride? 

I'm confused.  The "USA!" chant is usually a never-fail way to get a laugh in a myriad of situations.  Like in church, for instance.  Or after they say "You may kiss the bride" at a wedding.  Letting out a big "Whoo!"  followed by "USA!  USA!" usually does the job to take the focus off bridezilla on her special day and put it squarely where it belongs:  on you. 

The "USA!" chant has also come in handy on commercial airline flights.  It's pretty simple, actually.  Right after they announce the pilot over the PA, just applaud and try to start a "USA!" chant.  It has the double benefit of filling the pilot full of jingoistic pride and letting any potential terrorists know that if they start any silliness, this crowd will put a boot in their ass.  It's the American way, or so I've been told.  The important thing is to look around and see who ISN'T chanting.  Then, make a citizen's arrest.

The "USA!" chant:  it's easy.  It's fun.  And it just may save your life.  You can thank me later.

1:32 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment