Ladies

Hey Ladies,

It's Clawson.  It aint like I walk around with my balls hanging out.  What if my balls had nipples?  Then you would want to see them...oddly enough, they do.

Word,

Clawson

12:31 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Mrs. Claus

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  After 25 years, the ceramic 5" statue of Mrs. Claus jumped off the shelf and broke her head off.  It's been a rough winter for Mrs. Claus.  She recently found out that the ceramic 5" statue of Mr. Claus, aka Santa, was staying out late in the elves workshop.  There was no proof that Santa had done anything wrong but the witness to Mrs. Claus's leap of death, 4 year old Rhett Clawson Jr., says, "She just fell off the shelf."  Investigators are looking into the incident since Rhett Jr. was also a witness to the mysterious General Lee car crash that landed in the toilet that had kid size poop in it.  "We were able to glue Mrs. Claus's head back on," said Grandpa Fred.  Merry Christmas.

Word,

Clawson

8:15 AM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A Gig

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  I have a gig coming up on January 12th (Friday) in Princeton, Illinois with Brett Erickson.  It's in a bar called Schoonerz but if you look up directions on the internet it's called the Hitching Post.  This should be a really fucking fun show.  Brett Erickson is fucking hilarious.  We watched the Superbowl together one year at a Hooters in Peoria, IL.  I had to convince him of the extreme saddness we were going to witness so he would go.  There was a slow guy in a Hooters t-shirt wearing mardi gras beads and an orange hat that Erickson decided to name, "The Hooter's Mascot" since he kept roaming aimlessly around the bar.  Then he was missing for about 30 minutes and I asked Erickson, "Where's the Hooter's Mascot?"  To which he replied, "He's outside making snow retards."  I spit beer all over the table.  If you want to come to the show but don't have a place to stay, let me know and you can crash on my hotel floor if we actually fall asleep.  Princeton, Illinois is about 3 1/2 to 4 hours away from St. Louis above Bloomington, IL.

Word,

Clawson

Currently listening : Hello By The Mattoid Release date: 13 May, 2004

4:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Michael Richards

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  I'm not sure if you guys saw Michael Richards, aka Kramer, lose his shit on the crowd at The Laugh Factory.  My feelings are this.  He said what he said for SHOCK value since somebody said that he wasn't funny.  I don't agree with what he said at all.  It was tasteless and unfunny.  You don't ever call the crowd a bunch of "cheap motherfuckers."  Some of the people actually paid for their ticket and those people are dumb motherfuckers.  He should have used some of the classic comedy comebacks such as, "Somebody please slap that man in the face with a bloody tampon" or "Shut up ya cunt."  By the way, I thought Sinbad was dead but I saw him talking about this on the news.

Word,

Clawson

8:29 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Title?

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  Holy shit balls.  I started out on a journey Friday night and it just ended.  We're going to call the album "Double Booked."  But the name that I originally wanted to go with was "Faggot Friendly."  Well I have to get up early to go to a baptism.

Word,

Clawson

11:32 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Pallbearer

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  Some sad news in the Clawson world.  My grandpa passed away this past weekend.  He was born in 1918 so it wasn't a big surprise.  I had to tell the people at Bridgeway (Rehab) that I was going to a  funeral and that I wouldn't be there yesterday.  The guy on the phone said, "That's fine, just bring in a flyer that shows you were there."  A flyer?  So here is what the "flyer" would say: 

This Monday morning it's Grandpa Clawson in his last appearance above ground until the undead walk the earth and eat our brains.  Tickets are $8 in advance, $10 the day of the show.  B.Y.O.B. (Bring You Own Body).

Then I had to do a show at The Creepy Crawl last night after being at a funeral all morning.  I opened for the band "ADAIR."  It was an all ages show so I wasn't sure if the young ones would get a lot of the humor but they turned out to be awesome!  There was a ten year old kid standing at the foot of the stage all mushed in from the people behind him...I gave him the CD that I took up on stage with me to promote sales after the show and encouraged him to burn it for his friends and play it at recess.  When I was his age, I was listening to George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Rodney Dangerfield so why not.

- Brett Clawson

7:29 AM - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Jeff Altman Is Comedy

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  I just got through reading Morgan Murphy's latest blog that had pictures of her and her friends jokingly in Tourgasm t-shirts.  This got me thinking of another fine act named, "Jeff Altman."

Jeff Altman still does "I've fallen and I can't get up" jokes.  His physical humor and facial expressions make people walk out of the club in packs while demanding to punch the club owner's dad in the cunt.

On a personal note, I had the pleasure of working with this corporate ball sack in St. Louis.  He requested that his opening act works clean.  So I cleaned up my set and was actually able to work clean.  Then he goes up and in the first five minutes he must have said the word "fuck" over a dozen times.  "Fuck" is his punchline on every joke.  So the next night I planned on getting fired.  I worked clean for the first 15 minutes then I said "fuck."  I immediatley apologized to the crowd and said, "I'm not supposed to say the word "fuck" tonight."  Then I pulled out my set list and said, "But I have a note.  It says right here, Brett can say fuck.  Signed, Brett's Mom."  He didn't say a word to me the whole week.  Mainly because he was hitting on the emcee's girlfriend all week.  But I thought he would have said something to me when a group of my biker/stripper friends came to the late show and we were walking back and forth from the restroom doing bumps in-between shots of Jager while yelling, "Fuck this worn-out bag of hooker spit!"  But he didn't say a word to me.  Now that's Hollywood.

- Brett Clawson

8:22 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Back To School

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  Everybody that wants a pointless education that will advance them quicker at their job at Walmart went back to school last week. 

I remember when I went to college.  I didn't have the greatest SAT scores which landed me at St. Louis Community College at Florissant Valley.  You have to have two gym credits to get your Associates Degree.  My two were Billiards and Float Trip.  The Float Trip was exactly what it sounds like.  If you survived the float trip, you got an "A".  If you died, you got an "F"...I got a "D".

I studied Communications, TV and Radio Production, with some sort of hope of landing a job at a radio station when I graduated.  But it takes more than an Associates Degree to advance at your job.  Thank God I sold pot to my professor who hooked me up with an academic scholarship to Eastern New Mexico University, his old college.  I had to keep a 3.5 GPA to keep my scholarship...I graduated with a 3.7 GPA.

How did I do this?  I skipped class.  I was stoned morning, noon, and night.  I drank like...Me.  The answer is crank.  I would stay up for days cramming for test on crank.  There would be an occasional hallucination but that just meant it was time to smoke some pot.  I also had the help of a day planner.  I would schedule in time to get high, get baked, and get fucking burnt.

So my advice to the future class of 2007.  It's not what you know, it's who you know and how good of drugs they can get you.

- Brett Clawson

8:05 AM - 6 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Frisbee Golf In North County

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  I met up with a few of my friends from the Funnybone for frisbee golf on Sunday.  Joe Lehnig, Gabe Kea, Mike Strantz, and myself headed into the woods around 4:30 armed with frisbees and beer.  Gabe and I had played once before but Joe and Mike were new to the game. 

We took the traditional pit stop after the tenth hole.  There's a couple of benches and an old log to sit on and consume in the shade.  Some other disc golfers walked up while we were there.  They were a grim looking bunch full of tattoos.  This was a common site to see in North County.  T-Dogg was a white guy with the most tattoos and obviously the leader.  Mike made an off-putting comment about one of T-Dogg's tattoos.  This angered the bunch.  So we allowed them to drag Mike off into the deepest part of the woods and shove things inside him.  We could hear the faint sounds he made as I began to smoke the joint that I had traded with them for some beer.  When Mike returned, his disc golf skills had taken a turn for the worse.

On the way to Gabe's house, I heard about a contest on the radio to win a chance to throw out the first pitch at the St. Louis Cardinals baseball game.  Why stop there?  Why not have the contest winner throw out the first 86 pitches?  The Cardinals are in first place at the moment but the Central Division is a dismal collection of juiced up athletes.

After I left Gabe's House, I headed to The Halo Bar in University City.  My friend Eric King did not see any problem in feeding me drinks.  Later, I was awakened in my car by the police.  The officer asked, "Can you call somebody to pick you up?"  "I sure can," I replied.  An exgirlfriend/codependant woman showed up at the gas station about thirty minutes later.  She lectured me on my abusive habits on the way back to my house.  She sped off before I could get in the front door.  No wonder it never worked out between us.

Word,

Clawson

6:32 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Power Outage

Hey People,

It's Clawson.  I'm not sure how many of you know this but St. Louis had some crazy shit happen last week.  The power went out on Wednesday and mine came back on Sunday.  Some people still don't have power.  The water in north county St. Louis and parts of Illinois was contaminated.  The people on the news said, "You can bathe in the water, just don't drink it."  Which I think is a conspiracy to try and kill everybody in North County.  I wont even buy bottled water in North County.  Actually, I did bathe in the water and I now have gonorrhea.  Everybody at the free clinic said the same thing.

When the computer came back on, it was fucked.  So that took awhile to fix.  I now know how to take apart the mother board.  Apparently my computer runs off the water in North County.

Another gay movie review?  Alright.  I rented the movie, "Two For The Money" from the library.  It has Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey in it.  At the end, Matthew McConaughey learned his lesson in gambling and is seen coaching a pee-wee football game.  And a boy on the team asked, "Are we gonna win today coach?"  And McConaughey answered, "I'd bet on it."  The kid bets all his toys on the game and they lose.  So he breaks Matthew McConaughey's legs and pisses on him.  In the bonus features, McConaughey talks about how he requested they use real urine because he's a method actor.  Go see "Clerks 2" and rent "Grandma's Boy."  I'm a douche.

- Brett Clawson

8:12 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment