Tyson Jackson

Here's an old comedy routine. Long retired, so I'm posting it up here for posterity.
From the year 2000 I think, when bad jokes and imitations of Mike Tyson and
Michael Jackson by stand-up comedians were prevalent. A schizoid hack monologue.
The dead on imitations were KEY to the delivery.

----

Allow me to introduce tonight perhaps my greatest creation yet, the Perfect Man, combining
the raw power of Mike Tyson with the super slickness of Michael Jackson....
ladies and gentleman - give it up for TYSON JACKSON!!!!

Tyson: and there's a good reason the name Tyson comes first!!!

Jackson: why? Because you're the first one to always bite the fuck out of shit!?
that's ok. Headliners always get last billing anyway!

Tyson: No. You're last because you're always the last one to leave a blue light special
where boys pants are half-off!

Jackson: Well at least I don't have to get monthly tetanus shots from the Nevada Boxing
Commission to keep my license.

Tyson: You don't need a license, the only fights you get in are with your lawyer over how much
of a settlement to offer kids parents.

Jackson: Well, when you get banned again at least you'll have your degree in bite-ology to fall back
on.

Tyson: Well, at least you have your fantasy pedophile theme park dreams to keep you going.

Jackson: Well, at least you'll have your new dog Bitey to be there for you when everything goes to shit.
I heard Bitey was lookin at you like "who you callin Bitey mofo?" and you were like "you're just plain Bitey, I'm King Bitey!"
(make ferocious bite sound)

Tyson: Well, at least you'll have your dog Whitey to keep you warm at night.

Jackson: (offended and hurt) Stop that! He's such a nice, young...pup. Don't you be talkin about him!

Tyson: You like to moonwalk into his red dog dick I hear.

Jackson: Yeah but your heads always in the way, blockin me out! But seriously, all this shit about me being
a child molestin, Diana Ross wanna-be homo is gettin way outta hand. I'm straight as an arrow!
Man, I used to pound Lisa Marie so hard she couldn't walk for days. I'm a regular fuckin' guy!

Tyson: Oh yea? Well, maybe you don't fuck little kids after all. Maybe you're just a victim of a media witch
hunt like me. I've got my dark side, but when I'm on my meds I'm alright. Maybe we should stick together,
after all we're both former superstars on a downward spiral.

Jackson: That makes sense. After all, we have been combined into one person.
I'm going to do something really special here and give you my other sequined glove.
The one I never wear.

Tyson: Great!!! That reminds me of that time on Foul-ups, Bleeps, and Blunders when they stole your
main sequined glove and replaced it with this one. That look on your face was priceless!

Jackson: Yeah, well if they ever try and do that again you gotta promise to bite the fuck out of them!

Tyson: Hahahahaa!! You got it brutha, you got it!

Jackson: Hahahahahaha!!!

(handshake)

(Tyson gets incensed as Jackson starts stroking his palm with his finger)

Tyson: Hey! I think you need to talk to my 5 friends!

(makes fist, holds it in front of his face and rotates wrist)

(Jackson crouches down and puts on Webster mask)

Jackson: Hi! I'm a 4 foot 2 boy with 1 kidney! I can eat more pop rocks than you!

Tyson: (is fooled, smiles and ducks low to hug)
Give me some pop rocks!

Jackson: ok! (hands him pop rocks)

(Tyson chugs pop rocks)

Jackson: You look thirsty! Chase it with this!

(hands Tyson extra carbonated soda)

Tyson: ok!!

(one 1-knee, pained expression)

Tyson: oh yea. Well I went to your theme park with an Eddie Bauer shirt on and placed
my bare ass on the cotton candy machine!

Jackson: Yea? Well I went to the housing project you grew up in and I spray-painted
"Tyson gives head for fistfulls of food stamps - swallows for Starsky and Hutch stickers!!"

Tyson: Come on. Soul shake like a man if you want to make it out of here with no broken ribs.

Jackson: Right on!!!

(Tyson fake high fives and heart punches Jackson. Jackson's heart stops for 3 seconds, he collapses)

7:05 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

A Forced and Unwelcome Hug

I couldn't stop my momentum
I could tell you didn't like it
but it was too late
That's too bad for you
I felt bad
The roll I was on
hug-wise
all came crashing down then
It was disconcerting to me the next day
A lot of things are
so many
I had to prioritize this one off the list
let's see
Do I no longer consider myself
a smooth and suave fellow?
hah hah
good one
Are we no longer friends?
Will there be bad word of mouth?
Commiseration!?
Will I get even meaner?
Maybe this billionth
time will be the backbreaker
LOL
I wish
But I am sorry I'm not in a position to help
your career
or am not even more disarmingly handsome and young
then I already am
because then I would've seen that lovely
face
that
fawn-like
100%
opportunist
face
light up
instead

7:01 PM - 5 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

brand new old school from Rienstquienth International

1)  Child of Krull

Think of a word, any word
Now think of a second word
If the first word was Ted
And the second word was Koppel
You win
But your prize is nothing more than a pat on the back (or bottom if we're wearing football uniforms on Astroturf)
Ted inspires me
To complete the daily dirty work
To be a good citizen
And thumb my nose
At Lou Dobbs


2) Chill

Chill
Let's chill out about rap music
And keep your jack jawed
slack
30 years and counting
what bad has come of it?
Have you personally been called a "bitch" or "ho"?
No
Step back
Relax
Take another step back
Relax further
Chill


3) No More Short Titles

We lightly touch fingertips
During our picnic in the park

You run in a sun dress chasing butterflies
I giggle and toss the kids gently in the air

Croquet turns into random ball smacking
Then infectious hugs

The sun gingerly sets
With it's bright orange peek

We freshen up with moist towelettes
We ride home in your Prius, smiling

5:43 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

your fucking face

your pussy fucking face
beaten to a bloody pulp
your hit-me-in-the-face face
over and over and over
bloody hamburger stump
fuck face
oh that sounds too meathead
unsympathetic
a generic way to express
my anger
it was really
though
the last resort
your aggressive, bigoted self
bothering people
women
I gave you a million chances to
back off
but you crossed the line
and with great heroic
satisfaction
to all onlookers
I cleaned your clock
punk
dramatically
crumpled you
I am the least creepy
most noble
defender
of women
and weaker citizens
I get laid
for the right reasons
and it feels
so good
so so so good
it's hard to explain
really
I connect only with
the hottest
and worthiest
it's always
beyond
words
and
understated
hey
Im not that great
come on

10:38 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

I Hate People I Don’t Know

I doubt they even exist
loathe the sight of them
moth-like ciphers
crowd scene extras
frowning women
obstacles
devils created to get me
always a bad first impression
both ways
I can't stand being uncomfortable
I have nothing to say
And I surely don't want to listen
forced conversation
generalities
banalities and disguised fear
a battle for domination
done through gritted teeth
they keep comin
mostly just passing by
in my periphery
near me
next to me
looking at me
driving cars
new faces
making me think about them
getting me bent out of shape
like learning a new language
I hate it
ENOUGH
strangers

but really
some people are alright
you get surprised occasionally
some people are cool
it's good to meet people
I should retitle this:
"People I Dont Know Worry Me, But They Can Be Alright
(Sometimes)"

oh fuck off
you're probably some girl
who just wants to be
"friends"
kill yourself

1:54 PM - 7 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

Millionaire Tom Waits

always
down on his luck
singing
a hooba habba hooba jabba
real gravelly
from the gutter
cheap whiskey on his breath
to the delight
of young gentlemen
who wear old men hats

6:48 PM - 8 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Versus

someone looking at you vs. someone getting near you

which is more unbearable?

Despite the inherent danger of someone getting physically close to me (involuntary reflexive assault/molestation), I'm going to say looking is the greater crime, more deliberate and aggressive. And when someone is no longer in my personal space, there is relief. After I've been looked at I just get madder and madder.

4:20 PM - 5 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

instinct

I instinctively flush mid-pee, always too early. I try to pee faster, but it's never in time. Re-flushing can't be done immediately. It takes a minute of two for the water level to replenish. That defeats the whole purpose of flushing early, which is really a pointless endeavor to begin with. The time saved would be minimal, it only takes a second to pull the handle when you're done. God I wish I'd stop doing this.

I dont pay the water bill, but it's still a waste. Of time and resources. 

3:09 PM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

cancel that

Man, I'm just a hothead.

These dudes are solid dudes. previous blog done in jest.

It is worth it.

11:38 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

live update, from room

I lost $25 pretty quickly.
In a sour manner.
I'm out.
I don't want them here.
I hate the sound of their voices.
I am in my room and playing music loud, it sounds good,
as opposed to their loud stupid asses.

You need offspring to make this shit worthwhile.
I don't want offspring.

Now I hear, over the music "OOOOOOOOOOOOOH",
from the other side of my wall.

I need to drink more, otherwise I will fucking kill all of them.
Drinking makes other people bearable.
It's the height of unselfishness, to be a drunk.
I am murdering myself at a moderate pace so that they may live.
so that they can live it up!
OOOOOOO!!!!!

I want to see rats and insects and cougars dancing on their corpses.

To the cash station.

9:55 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment