HOW TO START YOUR VERY OWN CULT!!!
Current mood: cultured
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Are you tired of aimlessly posting blogs to create a following? Are you flat broke in dire need of additional income? Are you upset that others dont agree with your narcissism?

My best advice to you is to form your own cult. Its a lot easier than you believe. Here is a step-by-step guide to creating your cult:

Okay, I hate to say it, but women, it will be a lot harder for you to take on this task. All great cult leaders have always been men. The sexist male dominant society even applies to cult life. However, if you persevere, a woman could possibly become the best cult leader that ever existed, so dont get discouraged.

Public relations are crucial when it comes to this project. You have to appear as mysterious, wise, intuitive, and exotic. Be as wacky as you possibly can. You have to gain attention. Give people a reason to notice you. Dress like a peacock, wear your bathrobe in public, do whatever it is you have to do to get yourself noticed. Most people dont want to hear what it is that you have to say, until you give them a reason to.

Be sure to come from an exotic place. It does not matter whether you come from this place or not. No one is going to follow a leader whose origin is Miami Beach. Have your followers believe that you are from India, Tibet, Egypt, or any "holy land." Circulate rumors about yourself. Get you friends to talk about how much you have changed since you spent three years living with the natives in a remote South American jungle. Whatever is true or not, just have your followers believe that you have learned the secrets of the universe from some tribe in the middle of nowhere. Modern people are fascinated with the society that exists nowhere.

Now it doesnt matter what you have your potential followers believe in, as long is it something t that is incredibly different from their current belief system. People always question their beliefs, so if you tell them the opposite is true, they will stop to listen to what it is that you have to say. If you are going to be a leader, then you have to teach. It doesnt matter what you are teaching, just the fact that you are teaching. Give people reason to question their current belief systems.

In society there is huge paranoia when it comes to the end of the world. Use this to your advantage! Have your followers believe that you possess the keys to surviving Armageddon. People like to think that they have knowledge that others do not. Use this to your advantage! It is very important that you give your group an exact idea to how the world is going to end. Be careful with this one. Never tell any of your followers specific dates, but constantly keep pointing out the "signs."

Its easier to start a cult in America than anywhere else in the world. Freedom of religion gives you a strong advantage if you are working in the states. People are constantly questioning the belief system that they have been brought up with.

You cant get any followers without networking. Myspace users already have a strong advantage. You already have a following! Be strategic with your posts and comments, and soon everyone will constantly be awaiting your next blog post. Leave people comments that make them question the reality of the universe. The more you get people to think, the best off you are. They will constantly keep coming back to you for advice.

In the outside world, market yourself just like you are a business. Offer classes at the local YMCA. You will need to do a little research. Learn how to give a guided meditation. Practice on being able to put a group of people into a hypnotic trance. If you need help, there are a lot of books you can buy via Amazon.com on hypnosis. Anyone can do it, but it just takes a little practice.

Make people believe that you are an outlet of divine energy. So many humans cannot think for themselves, they would rather someone else do it for them. If you can get people to relax, then you have got it made in the cult world. Practice techniques. Develop your own yoga. Study up on the chakra system and energy so you are able to speak like you have lived a life of experience. Society is obsessed with self-improvement. Exploit the insecurities of modern man. It is all very simple, just do your homework.

In order for you to become successful in the cult world, your followers must believe that you are the only one with the answers. Dont let your followers believe that you are God, but only that you are a messenger sent by God. Let people believe that you are selfless, and that you are only embarking upon this project to save the world, because the world is killing itself off. Humanity is very paranoid about their own survival. Use this to your advantage.

The key to gaining followers, is to make them feel that you have a contact with the divine that they do not. You are here to help them. Let your followers believe that you do not appreciate the burden of saving the world that you carry, but that you are only completing the assignments that you have been given.

Never, ever, answer the questions of your following with "yes" or "no" replies. Always speak philosophically like, "It is your task to decipher the illusion," or, "reality can never be defined by a human mind that lives in a constant state of confusion." The more that you make people think, the more you are able to distract them from focusing on the real world. Because of your empty insight, they will come crawling back to you, because you are able to make them ponder the meaning of life.

If you have followed steps one thru four correctly, you will have a following. The next step is to give everyone new names. By having your followers switch to a new "spiritual" name, they are willingly ready to throw out their old identity. "Mary" might have been the divorced mother of three, but "Funquisha" can be the name of a goddess who has been fighting a battle for the salvation of humanity for thousands of years, and many lifetimes.

By giving your followers new names and identities, you become a father figure to them. They will respect you, and look up to you to enlighten them, and guide them through the rest of their paths. Be caring and giving. Regardless of your age, appear older and wiser. Let your followers feel that they have found their true family. Create a surrounding of love and support. Make everyone abandon their friends and real family, as that can only create conflict with your cult aspiration. Relocation to a new area is your best bet to steal these people away from their current identity. At this point, all of your followers should turn their bank accounts over to you, because you are the all-knowing master who is the only one capable of dealing with the evils of money.

By this point you have developed a following, and have relocated. This is the point where it is time to set up your own center or church. Give the group a name. Everyone alive wants a sense of belonging, so give them something to belong to.

Create sacred documents. Create a step-by-step guide for your followers to achieve enlightenment, like you already appear to have. Set up rituals. The crazier the better. The important thing at this step is to make people feel like they have a secret most people arent aware of. For example, cover yourself head-to-toe in olive oil, and dance under the moon when it is full. It doesnt matter the rituals that you have, just the fact that you have them.

Reaffirm your followers of how much progress they have made. If you are going to be successful as a cult leader, do not allow a single follower to feel that they have become stagnant. If they feel that they are stagnant, they will eventually leave your little soiree to pursue something else. If everyone feels like they are individually progressing, they will stay with you, because they feel a sense of accomplishment.

If you have followed my advice correctly, at this point you will have a ton of followers. You have created your own religion, and you have reached tax-exempt status. Here the workload gets heavy. The sense of accomplishment your followers have may start to dwindle. Create goals. Form an inner circle. Reward good cult behavior. Punish bad cult behavior.

Form your inner circle by your most crazy and devout followers. Give the members of your inner circle a leadership status of their own. If you are smart and lead correctly, eventually your inner circle will take over, lessening your own personal work load. Your inner circle should be composed of your most devout, and power hungry followers. At this point they will take over your duties as the leader, giving you the opportunity to just be the teacher.

Set up ceremonies. Without a really great ceremony, most of your followers will shy away from the inner circle. Make it an honor for them. People crave power, so give the members of your inner circle a certain degree of power. They are your bishops. If you build your inner circle the right way, eventually you will be able to branch out, and spread your teachings throughout the outside world. This is where the money really starts to roll in.

So youve franchised. Youve written your own spiritual doctrine. You are exercising control. Once youve reached step number eight, you have to secure your post as the leader. Some of your followers may turn against you, and start trying to teach their own way. The only way to secure yourself as the true leader is to turn against your own followers. Make it mandatory that any believers of your faith have to do confessionals. Of course you are very busy at this point, so have everyone videotape daily confessionals via videotape. This will give you access to view the insecurities of humanitys psyche, giving you a strong advantage.

In order for you to remain successful, you will have to stir up conflict in your community. Create a civil war within your followers. This is very important. This will weed out any of your following that is not completely devoted to you and your teachings. Many of your followers will leave you at this point, but it is necessary. By doing this you will get rid of all people who are not completely loyal to you. This is your time to clean house. Get rid of all of those who want the power that you have.

Eventually everyone will wake up to the fact that you are not the wise master they thought you were. The only way to secure your dominance over their minds is buy lots of drugs. Lace their food and water. Get everyone on hallucinogens. Their brains will be more vulnerable, and more happy to here what you have to say. Itll take some work and effort to reprogram their brains with drugs, but psychiatry has been doing it for years.

I dont advise doing any drugs as cult leader. This is where many cult leaders of the past have made their mistakes. If you tell enough lies over time, youll eventually start to believe them yourself. Schedule yourself a vacation from time to time. Just tell your followers that you need to return to the holy land to get further instructions on how to save the world. Stay away longer than planned, so that your followers become afraid that you will never return.

When you do return to your cult family, make sure that your reentrance is awe inspiring. Sky-dive from an airplane back in. Tell everyone that the previous teachings were all wrong, and that you have found the answers. At this point, you will want to teach the exact opposite of what you were teaching before. Like I said before, keeping a successful cult involves making people continuously question their beliefs. So now it is time to do the opposite.

Okay if you have followed the prior nine steps, you should be in a remote area, residing in a compound of your building. It is time to secure a return on your investment. From this point on, no new members! Have your following believe that the rest of the outside world is evil, and is trying to destroy you because they do not want the truth revealed.

Fear is the best weapon here. Any great cult is founded on love, and secured by fear. Your cult needs to be scared to death of the outside world, and afraid of you when you get to this point. So it might be a little tacky, but you have to give the leaders of you inner circle firearms. Blow stuff up from time to time.

Also, the outside world may become suspicious of what is going on within the walls of your community. Youve almost reached the final step, secure the return on your investment. Security is a huge issue. Not only does your cult have to be afraid of you, but so does the outside world.

Its time to cash in. If you have done your job well, all followers have given all of their prior income and possessions to the cult-family. At this point the cult really does not need you anymore. Your run as "messiah" can only go for so long. You have to fake your own death and get the hell out of there.

When most cults reach this level, they usually result to mass suicide or mass murder. I think that is just cheap and tacky! Let the cult go on living without you! If you have been smart enough to make it through the prior ten steps, then you are smart enough to fake your own death within the cult. Have your followers believe that you have ascended life without dying, that youve already gone on to heaven and will teach them from there. Come on, modern religion has been doing this for ages!

Take all the money youve embezzled, and begin your new life. You may be a criminal at this point, but you have enough means by now to live incognito. Pat yourself on the back, and spend the rest of your days surfing off the coast of Australia.

9:14 AM - 6 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

A Very Cliche Update
Current mood: horny
Category: Life

Hey peeples!

7:14 AM - 24 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

Check out this event: Brian’s 27th on the 27th

Hosted By: Brian Pietrylo
When: Thursday Mar 27, 2008
at 11:00 PM
Where: The Club Formerly Known as Iguana, Taste Bistro
Islamorada, FL 33036
United States
Description:
Brian Pietrylo

Click Here To View Event

12:30 AM - 15 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

The Procession
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Religion and Philosophy

RELIGION

BriGuy Chills Out With "God's Sun"

Throughout the past, the concept of religion has been used as a political manipulative tool to deceive the masses.  Christianity is an example of this.  A large portion of humanity places their credence in the well written script of the Christian religion; however they fail to recognize that the source of where they place this faith has been directly plagiarized from the stars.  Those who don't understand politics are doomed to repeat them.

The Egyptologist Gerald Massey is well known and praised for throwing off the constraints of Christianity, philosophy, and science in favor of the advancement of knowledge.  He is quoted, "The mass of people that are Bible-taught never get free from the erroneous impressions stamped on their minds in their infancy, so that their manhood or womanhood can have no intellectual fulfillment, and millions of them only attain mentally to a sort of second childhood."  During the later years of his life Massey became increasingly interested in the similarities that exist between modern gospel and ancient Egyptian mythology.

Before the birth of Judaism, and its subsequent stepchild Christianity, the peoples of the world were sun worshipers.  From India to Egypt knowledge of the sun and stars was the basis of all religion.  Our physical bodies are composed of millions of cells.  The life of each cell comes directly from the sun.  We are therefore a part of the sun, and thus cannot be separated from it.  In the allegory of Solomon's temple, the little temple is the human body:  "made in the image."

As far back as 10,000 BC, history is abundant with carvings and writings filled with adoration of the sun.  It is rather simple to understand why mankind has always had respect and infatuation with this object in the sky.  The sun gives us relief from the cold.  The sun saves us from the dark.  Without the sun, crops would be unable to grow, and mankind would not exist.  It is the sun that is the foundation of all life.

In addition to the glorification of the sun, the ancients also placed much of their own faith in the stars that filled the night sky with a different type of light.  By tracking the stars, they were able to track events for long periods of time by utilizing eclipses, full moons, and the activity in the skies.  They catalogued clusters of stars.  Today these are known as constellations, and the zodiac.  The modern religion of Christianity is directly based in the ancient belief systems of astrology.

The cross of the zodiac is one of the oldest conceptual images in history.  It reflects the sun as it figuratively passes through the twelve constellations over the course of a year.  It also represents the twelve months, and the four seasons.  It can be viewed as a graph with an x-axis, and a y-axis, each quadrant representing a season.  Is it any wonder as to why the cross is the most revered symbol in Christianity?

The constellations were personified as people, rulers, and animals.  The early civilizations did not just follow and track the stars, they wrote elaborate myths to help them to better understand the mysticism in the night sky.  The sun, with all its life giving properties, was personified as God, the source of all life.  It was known as, "God's Sun," the light of the world, the savior of mankind.  The twelve constellations of the zodiac were represented as places of travel for God's Sun.  These twelve constellations were each given names, usually personified as elements of nature that occurred through the course of time.

The ancient Egyptian civilization revered the mythological Horus as the god of the sky, and the god of the sun.  While the god Horus personified light, the god Set personified darkness.  Metaphorically speaking, the constant battle between Horus and Set represented the constant battle of light against dark, the root of the battle between good and evil. The story of Horus is as follows:  Horus was born on December 25th, of the virgin Isis.  His birthday was accompanied by a star in the east, which was tracked by three kings looking to adorn the newborn savior.  At the age of twelve, he was a prodigal child teacher.  At the age of thirty he was baptized and began his ministry.  Horus had twelve disciples that he traveled with and performed miracles such as healing the sick, and walking on water.  Horus went by many names such as, "The Truth," "The Light," "God's Anointed Sun," "The Good Shepard," "The Lamb of God," amongst many others.  After being betrayed by a follower Horus was crucified, and buried for three days.  At the end of three days Horus was resurrected, all of twelve hundred years before the birth of Jesus the Christ.

These attributes of Horus, whether original or not, seem to permeate many cultures of the world.  Many of the different gods all seem to have the same mythological structure of the story of Horus. 

Attis of Phrygia was a life-rebirth deity in Greece, 1200 B.C.  Attis was born of the virgin Nana, who became pregnant after picking the fruit of an almond tree, and laying it upon her bosom.  Later in life Attis was crucified, placed in a tomb for three days, and reborn as an evergreen pine.

Krishna of India is worshiped as an avatar of Vishnu, who in Hindu faith is considered to be the supreme God is Vaishnava schools.  Krishna was born of a virgin, while a star in the east signaled his coming.  He performed miracles with disciples, and upon his death was resurrected.

Dionysus of Greece was born of the virgin Semele, a mortal woman who had been impregnated by the God Zeus.  Zeus's wife Hera discovered the affair while Semele was pregnant.  Appearing as an old crone, Hera befriended Semele, who confided in her that her husband was actually Zeus.  Hera pretended not to believe Semele, and began placing seeds of doubt in Semele's mind.  Being somewhat curious, Semele demanded of Zeus that he reveal himself in all his glory, as proof of his godhood.  Although Zeus begged her not to do this, Semele insisted.  It was believed that mortals could not look upon a god without dying.  But she demanded, and Zeus came at Semele as bolts of lighting.  Semele perished in an ensuing blaze.  Zeus rescued the fetal Dionysus by sewing him into his thigh.

It is rather obvious to see how the aforementioned tale closely parallels the story of Christianity.  Semele was a mortal woman, carrying the son of God in her womb.  While in the womb, Dionysus was crucified.  The tomb is represented by Zeus's thigh.  After a short amount of time, Dionysus was reborn, not into the mortal world, into the world of the gods.

In another version of the same story, Dionysus was the sun of Zeus and Persephone, the queen of the Greek underworld.  Once again a very jealous Hera attempted to kill the child.  This time Hera sent Titans to rip Dionysus to pieces, after luring him with toys.  Zeus drove away the Titans with his thunderbolts, but the Titans had already eaten all of Dionysus, except for his heart.  Zeus used the heart to recreate Dionysus in the womb of Semele.  Hence, again Dionysus was, "twice-born."

The rebirth in both versions of the story is the primary reason why Dionysus was worshipped in the mystery religions, as his death and rebirth were events of mystical reverence.

Mithra of Persia was born of a virgin in 1200 B.C.  Mithra was known as the, "Judge of Souls," the rewarder of good, and the annihilator of evil.  Mithra was viewed as omniscient, undecivable, infallible, eternally watchful, and never resting.  Mithra had twelve disciples, and performed miracles.   Upon Mithra's death he was buried for three days, and thus resurrected.  Interestingly, the sacred day of worship for Mithra was Sunday.  Mithra was referred to as, "The Truth," and, "The Light."

The fact of the matter is, throughout history there are numerous saviors, from numerous periods, from numerous regions.  The question remains, why these attributes?  Why the virgin birth on December 25th?  Why dead for three days and the inevitable resurrection?  Why twelve disciples or followers?  To find out, let's examine the most recent of the solar messiahs.

Jesus Christ was born of the Virgin Mary in Bethlehem.  His birth was announced by a star in the east which three kings followed to locate, and adorn the newborn savior.  He was a child prodigy and a teacher by the age of twelve. At the age of thirty he was baptized by John the Baptist, thus beginning his ministry.  Jesus had twelve disciples he traveled with, performing miracles such as walking on water, healing the sick, etc.  After being betrayed by his disciple Judas, he was placed on a cross, and crucified.  After being placed in a tomb, three days later he was resurrected, and ascended into heaven.

The bible is filled with references to astrology, the main reason being that astrology was accepted as truth in biblical times.  Christians who believe that astrology is Satanic, would be shocked to learn that even Jesus himself made constant astrological references:

"And there shall be signs in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars.  And upon the Earth, distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring.  Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the Earth; for the powers of heaven shall be shaken.  And then they shall see the son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory."  (Luke. 21:25-27)

Who were the authors of the bible, the most published text in history?  Whoever they were, the authors of the Old Testament were obviously scholars, presumably high priests, men well aware of the ancient traditions and legends, of many peoples from many times.  It can be said that there is no actual history in the Old Testament that the people in its pages are not real personages, but most are symbolic of some phase of the zodiac.

Astrology is not a religion, rather it is a study of life like physics and psychology.  Nevertheless, because it deals with archetypal truths, it shows unvarying cycles and can register major events in individual lives and national history. Astrology is closer than other disciplines to describing, "the will of God."

First of all, the birth sequence of Jesus is completely astrological.    On December 24th Sirius aligns with the three stars of Orion's belt.  The three bright stars in Orion's belt are called, "The Three Kings."  The Three Kings and Sirius all point to the place of sunrise on December 25th.  This is why The Three Kings follow, "The Star in the East," in order to locate the sunrise, the birth of the sun.

The Virgin Mary is represented by the constellation Virgo, also known as Virgo the Virgin.  The ancient glyph for Virgo is an altered, "M."  Virgo is also referred to as, "The House of Bread."  Literally speaking, Bethlehem directly is translated as, "House of Bread,"  "Bethlehem," a reference to the constellation Virgo.

From the Summer Solstice, the days become shorter in the northern hemisphere, and the sun appears to move south and scarcer.  The ancients believed that the shortening of days and expiration of the crops symbolized death, the death of the sun.  By December 22, the sun stops moving south.  It reaches its lowest point in the sky, and stops for three days while residing in the vicinity of the Southern Cross (Crux) constellation.  On December 25th the sun moves one degree north, foreshadowing longer days, more light, and spring.

The twelve disciples represent the twelve constellations of the zodiac that Jesus, being the sun, travels with.  The number twelve is rather common throughout the bible: Twelve Tribes of Israel, Twelve Brothers of Joseph, Twelve Judges of Israel, Twelve Great Patriarchs, etc.

In early occult art Jesus is depicted with his head on the cross of the zodiac.  The art of the age is a narrative representing Jesus as the SUN, and the sun's daily life cycle as seen on Earth.

The ancient Egyptians and cultures long before them recognized that every 2150 years, the sunrise on the morning of the Spring Equinox would rise in a different sign of the zodiac.  This is due to the slow angular wobble of the Earth caused by the gravitational forces of the sun, moon, and Earth.  This is a procession causing the constellations go backward rather than through the normal yearly cycle.

It takes 25,765 years for the sun to go through all twelve signs.  Every 2,150 years is known as an age.  An astrological age is a time period in astrology which is believed by many to parallel major changes in the life of the Earth's inhabitants.  It is the time it takes for the vernal equinox to move through each one of the twelve zodiacs.  At this moment in the zodiac, we are in the age of Pisces, which is represented by a fish.  We've all seen the Jesus fish attached to the back of automobiles.  How many people actually recognize the astrological correlation?  Among the many manifestations of the Piscean Age, is the uprising of religion centering on aquatic symbols.  Some examples include:  walking on water, changing water into wine, baptism, and so forth.  Christian scripture speaks extensively of wine, fishermen, washing the feet, and helping the downtrodden members of society.

Metaphorically speaking, the birth of Christ represents the procession of the sun into the Piscean age.  The Piscean age has been an era of religion and fantasy.  Within the millennia the planet shall enter the Age of Aquarius, we are already in the preliminaries.  Every time there is a shift in the ages, it is often marked by intense struggling. 

With one foot in the Piscean Age, and the other foot in the Aquarian one, we find ourselves caught between two contrasting value systems.  A clash is occurring as we experience the dated Christian belief systems compete with the Aquarian-style technological ideology.  One result is the distinctly modern phenomenon called televangelism, in which preachers employ the fruits of global technology for spreading the gospel of salvation to even larger audiences than ever before.  As modern technology evolves, so does the inner technologies of our mind, and vice versa.

The internet is an example of this.  We're now connected to one another in the material world much closer than we have ever been before.  But, the same thing is occurring within our minds.

With all of this astrological evidence, and the world's religions heavily scripted upon them, why is it that the religious institutions of the world suppress such trains of thought as fantasy and malarkey?  Why are the governing forces of the world desperately trying to preserve the old religions and way of thinking as we are entering a new age?

It really does make perfect sense.  As we make our procession through the twelve zodiacs, we're entering a new phase of existence that is not focused on religion and tradition.  As we advance from one age to another, our belief systems change and evolve.

We are encountering new ways of thinking, thoughts which have never been manifested before.  We will learn to become our own avatars.  The truth lies in the fact that we were not created, but we created ourselves.  And, as we progress the procession of the equinoxes, we shall continue to recreate ourselves.

The Script

TOGETHER WE SHALL ALL REWRITE THE PAST, LET US EDIT THE WORLD, BECAUSE TOMORROW HAS YET TO BE WRITTEN

~BRI

12:46 PM - 19 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

DON’T DRINK THE WATER!!!
Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

DO NOT DRINK!!!

BriGuy is Terribly Absent-Minded

So today I was sitting back and scrolling through all my blogs from the past. I noticed an overall theme as I reread the tales of piercing, making out with old women, driving cars into the Gulf of Mexico, and getting a colonic.

I love to publically humiliate myself.

I'm thinking this can't be a good thing. Whenever I meet new people, and they want to know more about me, I say, "Just read the blogs!" Then, they read the blogs, and I realize that I have just made a terrible mistake.

Why is it that I feel the need to publish every single embarrassing detail about myself to the entire world?

So, I'm going to do it again. I'm going to document my stupidity, and share it with the world. Seriously, if you even read what I'm about to tell you all, I'm absolutely positive that not only will you unsubscribe from my blog, but you'll also be sending me countless death threats and hate mail.

Here we go.......

After a night of what could be considered as too much drinking, and not enough sex, I wake up extremely thirsty. Seriously, I was dreaming of Niagra Falls right before awakening. You know that feeling when you wake up, and your body is just screaming, "WATER BITCH! WATER!!!!!!?"

It was also the first night I turned the heat on in my apartment, I don't think the dry heat helped my dehydration very much.

In a hung over haze, I maunder through my place, searching everywhere for a bottle of water. Yeah, I'm that guy who has a dozen half-empty water bottles all over the apartment. I would have drunk from the tap, but the only thing that frightens me more than tap water, is artificial sweeteners. Reading all those books on conspiracy theories was really a bad thing for me.

I tore through my refrigerator, looking for just about anything that could be considered liquid. It was a pipe dream, because the only thing I ever really keep in my fridge these days are beer and mustard. And, I was out of beer.

After throwing out the curdled milk, I was delighted to find a full gallon of water. But, it was a rather peculiar gallon of water. I removed it, and was very curious as to why it had this written on it:

For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I had a gallon of water in my refrigerator labeled, "DO NOT DRINK."

I stood there so puzzled, and so thirsty. I smelled the water. The water smelled fine. I gave the "DO NOT DRINK," water a little taste. Everything tasted fine. I figured, what the hell? I downed several glasses of the, "DO NOT DRINK," water. My thirst was quenched. No, not really.

I awoke, and I felt like absolute hell. Do you know that feeling of complete dryness, inside and out?

I tried my absolute hardest not to drink the, "DO NOT DRINK," water, but I just couldn't contain myself. I drank again.

Yes, you've read it right here, I'm an absolute lazy ass. Here I had ample time to go out and purchase bottled water, yet I was still drinking from the mysterious gallon in my fridge.

I continued to rebel, and spent my day feeling so mischievous drinking from the, "DO NOT DRINK," gallon.

It had become so awful. On day three, I awoke feeling like absolute death. Yes, I was incredibly thirsty.

I was so dehydrated, my lips were all dry and crusty. It literally took three hours for me to peel my tongue off of the roof of my mouth.

It was misery, absolute misery.

And I was thirsty, very thirsty.

I drank the last of the, "DO NOT DRINK," water, and became a little concerned. I had never felt so awful before. I was beginning to think that after three days, the "DO NOT DRINK," water just might have been the cause of my misery.

When in a tense situation, I did the same thing I always do. It was time for some phone calls. I called up everyone in my phonebook, asking questions as to why I had, "DO NOT DRINK," water in my house.

I finally got the answer.

The, "DO NOT DRINK," water was salt water. Yes, I know that you are thinking I'm an absolute idiot right now, but I drank an entire gallon of salt water. Can I excuse my actions with my dehydration?

No. I didn't think so.

Allegedly, I made the gallon of salt water right after I got the nipple pierced.

Yeah, you know that blog? I still don't understand why I felt the need to refridgerate nipple water!

So, my confession is done. You've just finished reading a blog by a guy who drank nipple water. I'm so ashamed. I just hate it when things happen to me that are blog-worthy.

Please do yourselves a favor and unsubscribe now. It only gets more absent minded from here.

6:46 AM - 45 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

Sex with Me and Myself
Category: Blogging

CLONED

6:48 AM - 40 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

A Doggy Situation
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Pets and Animals

CANINE SYMPATHY

What Is Left Behind, Is Left Hurting Most of All

10:33 PM - 16 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

Please. Spear Me.
Current mood: horny
Category: Parties and Nightlife

SPEARED

BriGuy Gets His Nipple Pierced

6:24 AM - 55 Comments - 51 Kudos - Add Comment

Getting Personal
Category: Life

Hey peeps! Yeah, I know, it's been an incredibly long time since I blogged. I feel absolutely no need to apologize, I owe ya'll nothing! LOL

I've really missed blogging. I really want to get back into it. It's a great way to pass time, meet people, etc. In the past I've always tried to be witty and entertaining, but that's not what you're going to get today. I'm trying out something different: a personal blog.

After six years of being in a relationship, I'm single. It's really a scary feeling, but I suppose that will pass. Gosh, I've been tied down since I was 20 years old! I've never really had the chance to experience life as an adult on my own. As much as I'm looking forward to new experiences, leaving my comfort zone is a bit tough.

Let's see, in addition to major life changes, I'm moving back down to the Florida Keys after Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to it! It's going to be nice to escape the rat race of the New York Metropolitan area. As much as I love living here, and feeling like I'm at the center of the entire planet, the stress does tend to get to one after awhile. I can use some peace and palm trees for a while.

My friends up here all think I'm crazy, because I'm abandoning a great job, but I have to go where I'll be the happiest. Ever since I was a child, I've always been Mr. Responsible. I think I'm long overdue to let loose and have some fun!

So keep in touch peeps! And no worries, right here on MySpace I'll be taking you right along with me during my adventures.

~bri

8:10 AM - 36 Comments - 54 Kudos - Add Comment

PAIN & PLEASURE III
Category: Writing and Poetry

SO MUCH PLEASURE, SO MUCH PAIN III

12:31 AM - 33 Comments - 35 Kudos - Add Comment

Irrigating the Bloggage
Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Food and Restaurants

IRRIGATING THE BLOGGAGE

BriGuy Gets A Colonic

I'm sure that you guys know by now, if I ever encounter an unusual experience, you are going to hear all about it.

It's happened again...

This last year I've been feeling rather different, not quite like my old self. I've been sluggish, my allergies are out of control, and I haven't been feeling the same amount of vigor that I once had.

Most of my friends are in a much older age group than myself. When discussing these problems, they would joke and tell me that I am finally at a point in my life where I'm experiencing what age feels like.

I refuse to accept that.

So I investigated further. Something has to be taking away my energy right? I'm living life the same way I always have! Why does something have to be different? Why the hell should I attribute anything to growing old?

So I called up my best friend Google, and sought out her advice on the subject. After three million pop-ups, and half a bottle of wine, Google finally made some sense.

TOXINS.

My dear friend Google asked me if I was experiencing any of the following symptoms:

-Fatigue

-Back Aches

-Skin Problems

-Indigestion

-Allergies

-Constipation

-Migraines

-Depression

It felt like Google was reading my mind! Those symptoms were exactly what I was battling!

At this point in my life, I've already seen too many medical doctors, and mental health professionals. In my humble opinion, those people only make you worse.

So, I asked Google about the best course of action to relieve these symptoms, without paying a doctor tons of money.

My friend Google is not shy! In a very subtle way, she gave her answer in just two words:

All of a sudden my heart dropped. This was not the answer I was looking for. Being slightly open-minded, I was just hoping to be told that I need more fruit in my diet.

I inquired more into this idea of a colon cleanse with Ms. Google, and she generously provided me with this picture: