Evolution

Every animal, over time, has evolved and created their own forms of self defense. There's that lizard with the neck-fan thing that makes them appear bigger. Zebras have camouflage, humans have heightened intelligence. But somewhere along the line, years and years ago, squirrels simply evolved a superior ability to always be afraid. At the slightest movement of anything, the squirrel is an expert at freaking out and running for its life. It's like they were told that they needed to adapt somehow to survive but they didn't quite get it. And so everyone else was like, "No, that's not exactly what we meant." But, look around; squirrels are everywhere. They took their bad idea and really made it work. As far as I'm aware, it's the most successful misunderstanding in natural history. The squirrel actually embraced the "fight or flight" system so well that some of them literally evolved into flying squirrels. Way to go, you dumb sissies.

10:05 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

TONIGHT

I'll be headlining the Velveeta Room (6th and Red River) next week on May 9th and 10th. Shows are at 9:30 and 11:30 and only cost 5 bucks. This will be a great show. Please come out and bring some friends.

"Bryan Gutmann was born a beautiful bearded baby in upstate New York in 1982. Three years later he was the funniest person in the world. He began touring heavily in Europe and the United States, where people would pack into theaters to watch Bryan's unique sense of observational humor, as well as to stare at a 3 year old baby who could walk, talk, and had a giant man-beard. Sadly, a year later, Bryan turned to drugs and had to get off the road. It seemed as if he would never do comedy again. Twenty one years later, Bryan has quit using drugs, attended school, obtained a drivers license, and has been writing and performing stand-up comedy for the past three years. He has opened for such names as Doug Benson and Dave Attell, and has starred in very classy local attorney commercials. As when he was a baby, Bryan still has a beard and is still beautiful."

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End Times

After six months and zero customers to it's name, I finally had to shut down my independently owned store "The Eleven-Hundred Dollar Tree".

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A Matter Of Time

How am I going to get into some of these cool, smart movies? As far as I'm concerned, I've done all the work already. Now it's just a matter of Hollywood coming to their senses. Not convinced? Check this out...







..

I'll be waiting by the phone. Thanks.

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FedEx Truck

The FedEx truck has, in small print, words above the door that say "No Cash On Board". I'm guessing that the sole purpose of having that there is to deter someone who would wait for the FedEx truck to arrive and then rob it. First of all, that's a pretty lazy way to rob someone. Get out there, make something happen. The Wet Bandits didn't just sit around and wait for jewelry and VCRs to come to them. They took some initiative. Or maybe that's not what they're afraid of at FedEx. Maybe they're afraid of the people who are going to get out there and make things happen. Maybe some old western-style robbers on horses who will take over the truck as it's driving down the road. But no matter what the scenario is, that "No Cash On Board" sign has to be there because someone was, somehow, attempting to rob a FedEx truck. How long do you have to be sitting at rock bottom until you finally think, "You know what? I bet that FedEx truck is loaded with cash." That's got to be a confusing moment for the truck driver. Some lunatic in a ski mask runs up to your truck, demanding you to fill up his bag with cash. You're forced to look in the truck's cup holders, look through your wallet. "I've got a Subway punch card. Two away from a free sandwich. Would you still like it in the bag?"

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This whole food court is out of order!

I was at the mall recently, as I am everyday. It's pretty routine for me. I wake up, watch The View, put on my wind suit, and head to the mall. So I'm there, and I'm in the food court, eating some pizza, when I hear a phone ringing. Not a cell phone though, it's clearly a business phone, ringing from one of the places in the food court. So I'm sitting there, and I'm eating, and it's still ringing. It goes on and on until it's probably rang about 20 times. Then I start to get really annoyed. At first I think, "Why won't anyone pick up that stupid phone?" Is every food court employee here really that busy? And then a second passes and then I realize, "Wait a minute…why would anyone need to call the food court?" Not only that, but also stays on the line that long? How urgent is that question? "Yes hi, I'm hungry and in the mood for pizza, Chinese, a baked potato, or a sandwich. Do you have any of those things? Yes, I'll hold."

9:49 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Aspen Recap

Let's see...

Left on February 1st, got back on February 4th. That's it, that's the recap.

Haha, just kidding! Did I have ya? That's like when a comic walks out on stage, lets the audience clap for a few seconds and then says, "Thank you, goodnight!" How has that joke slipped by under the hack radar? Anyhoo...

Flew from Austin to Denver. I was then stuck in Denver. Thanks, poor weather conditions. After an hour and some change, I was forced to take a shuttle via Colorado Mountain Express (CME - my road trip buddy). You pay for what you get, and by that I mean the shuttle was expensive and took many hours to reach Aspen. I get to the Aspen airport, where I then had no way to leave. So I scaled down from shuttle to cab. Then, a mere 9 hours after my scheduled arrival, there I finally was in my room at the Mountain House Lodge. I upgraded to the "Simulated Camping" package, which simply means that the heat in my room didn't work. Great view. It was not freezing in the room, so I let it be (The Beatles would've wanted it that way). I left the hotel, walked five blocks, and met everyone at The Steak Pit. Nice place. Good water.

The next day Ryan and I walked to The Wheeler where local channel 16, Plum TV, did an in-depth, hard hitting interview about the show that night, among other things. Ryan was funny and I behaved the way I do on stage: awkward. I attempted to cover up my awkward personality by doing my best Eric impression.

http://aspen.plumtv.com/videos/ryan_stout_and_bryan_gutmann

Aspen is made out of money. The mountains are not covered in snow; it is the ash from the money that they've burned. The rest is used to buy whatever they want. There is a sunglasses store called 'Unusual Eyewear'. They all seemed fairly normal, until you realized that they cost $500. That, I have to admit, is quite unusual.

I was suppose to leave the next day. My chance of going home came out, let me clap for a minute, and then said, "Thank you, goodnight!" Only this was no joke. This time there wasn't even a way to drive to Denver so I could go home. So, back to Mountain House Lodge it was.

That night - Super Bowl. Awesome. Lots of food, some drinks. After that - outdoor hot tub while it snowed. Awesome.

Next day: CME to Denver. My flight home - delayed. Once I get on the plane, I find out there is someone else booked in the same seat as me. I get off the plane. They tell me there is an open seat in row 8. I get back on the plane. Row 8, it turns out, is full. I get off the plane. I consider living in Denver. They tell me there is one open seat in row 4. How did the Aspen HBO Comedy Festival last for so long? Then, after much hassle and two Xanax I was in the air. I called off the job interviews I had lined up in Denver and finally made it home. All in all, I had an awesome time (seriously).

Oh yeah - I also did 15 minutes of comedy.

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It’s About (Aspen) Time(s)

From an article in Aspen Times:

Bryan Gutmann
Ask Bryan Gutmann what he would do if he were not a stand-up comic, and the phone line appears to go dead for a moment. It doesn't seem as if he has considered the alternatives any time recently. "I'd probably have to go back to college and learn how to do something," said the 25-year old Gutmann, who did, in fact, go to college — the tiny University of Mary Hardin-Baylor — but spent most of his time there pursuing comedy. "College was like a side project."

After a moment, he comes up with a plan: "I'd probably pick my favorite local comedian and follow him around, do everything he does, drive him around, pick his brain."

Funny thing about this is that Gutmann didn't chase after a comedy career with anything like an obsession. "It wasn't like I was 8 and knew I was going to do it," he said. A native of upstate New York, Gutmann moved to Austin at the age of 13. Austin, he learned, had a thriving comedy scene, and it seemed to infect Gutmann. Still, moving from being interested in comedy to actually getting up on a stage was a process that dragged on for years. He made a deal with a friend that one would take a turn at an open-mike night if the other would — and even that was barely enough to get Gutmann in front of an audience.

"I was way too terrified," he said by phone from Austin. "I'd go to open-mikes and just watch. I'd get so nervous just putting myself in their shoes — that alone, I'd get horrible secondhand stage fright. Eventually I thought about it so much and talked about it so much that it became ridiculous not to give it a shot."

That was four years ago; now, Gutmann holds the title of Funniest Person in Austin, after winning a competition at the Cap City Comedy Club. That title is something worth bragging about. Gutmann says that Austin's comedy scene remains uncommonly potent, with three full-time comedy clubs, and numerous music venues and other spaces frequently taken over by stand-ups. He rarely has to venture outside of Austin, meaning that outside of Texas' capital city, he fits perfectly into the "unknown" category.

As for what made Gutmann think he could make people laugh in the first place, he thinks it wasn't so much that he was funnier than anyone else. Just more obsessed with the idea, and with fewer other career options than most.

"There's this documentary, 'Comedian,' where Robert Klein and Jerry Seinfeld were talking, and they say, as kids, everyone is funny. Then you grow up and get a job," he said. "I felt that was true. All my friends were funny — including my comedian friends now. Maybe it's not so much being funny. Maybe it's a massive ego thing, a massive need for attention."

7:42 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

That’s Something I Do!

Isn't it so frustrating when you go to do something, and then just before you begin you forget what it was you were going to do? The only thing worse, for me, is when I spend fifteen minutes trying to remember what the hell it was that I was going to do and then I finally realize, "Yes, I remember! Ugh, that was going to bother me all day." And then I get online and watch the trailer for "Alien Vs Predator 2".

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Am I Right?

A lot of comics have goals. Some have big goals. Some dream of moving to New York, or acting on TV or in movies. Right now my goal is to never write a joke that contains the phrase "...then guys, what do we do?" That's a great premise to use if you're not worried about having punch lines. "Women always tell you that you have to rinse the dishes before you put them in the dish washer. Then guys, what do we do??"

Oh man! I bet it's something I do!

I don't think my goals involve making it in comedy so much as I require making it in comedy in order to reach my goals. If I can just make it in comedy then I won't have to work during the day. The most I get paid for comedy is when I write jokes on the clock at work.

8:29 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment