current state
Category: Romance and Relationships

"O drinking wine and smoking many cigarettes will give you inspiration" Richard Berger the legend that is!.."

So been many moons have past since I last wrote…seems time has run away from me… a lot has changed… am no longer a cynic! Bad news for those of you who enjoy my gossip, humiliating observational ridden writings from the past ages….

I'm in a relationship with my soul mate… I know, sickening but not for me however. I am with the one who knows me most, knows every contour of my body and every shameful notion in my personality and still astonishingly loves me for it. With this new notion of fulfil ness I have new perspectives on life; new angles of reflections, new idea's to over analyze and over whelm oneself with neuroticism. (At the moment wine doesn't seem to be strong enough.) Not that I am ashamed or disappointed of being where I am or who I am with but the notion that I may have lost my drive of passionate nothings that make my writings interesting.

WINE DRUNK

Situations I fear worst about seem to attack me like a loud bang in the middle of my dreams. What if I am better as a singleton longing for what I have with my partner now then I am as a loved relationshipee with only the sickening thoughts of love to preach about.

At the end of the day I probably have spent too much time worrying about what other people may think of me and haven't spent much time actually crediting myself with the skills that others fail but assure themselves that they have got.

Being in a room with two best mates waiting for the other to leave to harass me about how much the other annoys them and vice versa, this make one wonder the true state and foundations of their relationship compared to my own friendships. This situation takes me back to school days at an all girl public school where bitching was an hourly activity. Depressingly the notion still lingers from my mother's own advice, 'you will meet all types of people in this world, and you just need to know how to be around them'. What if I don't want to have to submit my own personality parameters because of their insufficient social skills, what if I want to be myself? Answer to that is that unfortunately I will not go very far.

With this new sense of maturity brought on with the notion of caring about someone else more then one cares for themselves I have discovered that past friends do not seem to shape the mould I used to fit for them in my life anymore. Tolerance is a powerful word, 'the ability to put up with harsh or difficult conditions'. What I feel now as intolerable I once found tolerable. Is that the change in me I wonder and assumingly take as a negative force for no one likes change however in years to come I will probably find this as one of the key moments in my history that changed me from a girl to a woman. However, what effects does this take on our friendships, am I disliking them more and more as I am jealous and miss the days that I was one with them or do I resent them for their daily reminding me of the shallow and spineless ways that I also once pursued in?

I am terrified each day with this new relationship that it will turn out to be the same as past regrettable ones. I spent too much of my childhood surrounded by arguments of adult relations and saw the effects it had on my mother. As I always sided with her, of course, I never knew as I know now that sometimes parents are wrong… I can still remember the day when I realised that my mother isn't always right and only human. That blame is a condition pointed in a manipulated direction. In turn, I now look back at past relations and consider that maybe I corrupted the bliss in the suppressed notion on unhappiness. That is what I fear I do not want to do with this new, fresh love.

The gamble is life and life is the gamble.

Currently listening : Classic Chillout, Vol. 2 By Various Artists Release date: 09 March, 2004

7:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

this is a year old, just found it on my computer - PART 1
Current mood: bummed
Category: then enlightened Romance and Relationships

Well I can't sleep. I've been dosing about all day recovering from a bitch of a hangover, which I feel hasn't completely gone yet! I was up extremely early this morning as hangovers tend to do that…..

I tell thee what I've been considering all day is being in a relationship, this time last year I was in a long duration relationship with no concept of how to be single/on my own….

I suppose this thought was sparked off by the lecherous groping a male friend proceeded to do to me last night on my very drunken state. I really didn't know what he expected from me! On contemplation, I really wonder in a notion of 'what the fuckness' was/is going through that boys' head. I was very obviously being sick in the downstairs loo from the drunkness induced by two bottles of wine consumed through the evening. Talking to my reliable mate on the phone in a no doubt, stupid (admittedly regrettable) drunken ramble thinking that would be enough to fend off over familiarity with this friend but no… he still wanted a piece of, may I just add, I was sporting one of my finer, no make-up on at all, joggas wearing days to say the least. He was desperate enough to sink to that low of a point of, lets be generous, MINGINGNESS that was me!

Compliment or Insult?

I consider insult on the fact that the previous night I was just being a good friend, shoulder to cry on some might say. As hey, I certainly appreciate having someone there when one is feeling like shit! So his form of thanks, on what I consider great friendship skills from my behalf, was gift wrapped in sticking his tongue down my throat! (strike 2 – another great start to the year) So, JASUS! Can't a mate of the opposite sex just be a good friend these days without them taking your kindness as a gesture of come, PENETRATE ME! This notion got me thinking, on the cold 20 minute drunken walk home at 1am in the morning in what I prefer to call Charminster, Stabminster!... Is this how people, men, see me…? Ok,so I am quite open about my sexuality but I consider uni life as a learning curve in perfecting my singleton status. Or I just haven't found the right guy yet? No! well maybe. I feel sometimes I'm seen as, well, easy? With the price tag "guaranteed a good time" To my horror at this concept I decided to give my self a reality check – it's more to do with the fact that me and my overly excited male friend used to have (scrapping the bottom of the barrel using this term) history. Basically, we had tongue wrestle far back in the past at the end of depressing , non pulling night out, last straw kinda effect. But when I got to know him (totally going to hell now but it's true) decided that all he was, was a kiss!

Maybe I'm just an old reliable? You know the type, that favourite balcony neck going out top that makes your boobs look big and makes your stomach sit flat!

Maybe he thinks he can always pull with me as I let him once nearly a million years ago! But, to be fair, that is the general male state of mind I feel, quite common! A bloke thinks if ya let him pull you once you will always let him….

This notion stuck with me, it enlightened me to the way of thinking that can one always still have a flame for those in the past? Perhaps the point has already been proven…. First ever boyfriend… first one night stand? At the end of the day I must have felt something, however brief or long… does it always stay with you? Well, in this male;s case unfortunately no! However, letting you into a little secret that leads me to my next point, when he did kiss me something sparked inside that I haven't felt for a while, the very familiar feeling of getting potential sex feeling – horniness! But I believe this maybeme due to the mixture of alcohol, drought period of good sex, boredom and giving this male friend some credit from the humiliation as using his patheticness as an examples, combining g with a good kisser........

....TO BE CONTINUED....

Currently listening : Tear Drop By Massive Attack Release date: 21 April, 1998

8:09 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

UPDATE
Current mood: blah
Category: should be one called RA Life

Well its 3am wednesday morning or tuesday night (depends whether you see the glass half empty or full really) and I'm sitting in my huge bed on my own listening to the red hot chilli peppers, aeroplane... funny story; last night at pukes (actually called dukes and its a night club i work in) some guy offered me a ticket to see them in Ipswich if i went out on a date with him... I turned him down no question however if i had said yes would that have been really bad? what would you done?

Anytits, I was contemplating writing in my diary but that would take effort to actually find a pen when i have the laptop, never guess, on my lap so here i am!

Life sucks at the moment as I am back in the land of sex (essex) for 3months (actually 13 weeks and 2 days, yes I am counting). I have officially finished my first year of uni and am not a fresher anymore and never will be again...(now listening to busted, over now) boo hoo reckon i might cry *jokes*

Life also sucks more because I am finding myself actually having uncontrollable feelings which i'm not appreciating at all. I was always the girl you could depend on not to ever cry at a film! Titanic was a comedy(hate leo). I never do hugs and shit like that and I dont feel full stop really and try to avoid it at all costs! However, (here we go again) i feel, their might be something in the water bcoz i'm friggin' feeling all over the show. So with this in mind I've made a plan;

My aims for the summer are;

1 - get clever, i.e read books to do with my degree and chick flicks to help with my spelling and stuff like that etc

2 - stop smoking - sure thats gonna happen but I'm gonna continue reading Allan Car that i started last summer before uni.

3 - tone up by horse riding 3 times a week

4 - earn dollar so i can fuck off travelling asap!

5 - nearly forgot, stop fucking obsessing over a particular person that nothing is gonna happen with! need to become dead inside again!

well i wonder if any of this shit sticks? who ever reads this drop me a line in about a month reminding/asking how its all going - there you go a conversation starter...

chow for now

7:04 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I'M SAD
Current mood: crushed

NO MORE DICKY B

WELL, THAT'S IT, NO MORE RICHARD BERGER AS HE CONSTANTLY REMINDED US IN TUESDAYS SEMINAR. I NEARLY CRIED, OF EMBARRASSMENT AS SWPNIL ASKED IF HE WANTED TO SOME TO MY PARTY FRIDAY....

.... UNFORTUNATELY THE BASTARD SAID 'NO', ACTUALLY HE SAID IT WAS HIS MATES B'DAY WHICH I TOOK AS, IF IT WEREN'T HIS MATES BDAY HE WOULD HAVE CUM (IN ALL SENSES OF THE WORD)! - DAMN HIS MATE TO HELL FOR BEING BORN ON THE 10TH OF MARCH!!!!

WILL WE EVER GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN? WILL IT SHINE ANOTHER DICKY B DAY AGAIN IN OUR BOURNEMOUTH SCRIPTWRITING DAYS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

12:09 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment