AS the world celebrates World Toilet Day today, sanitation experts have called for the end of the flushing dumper to save water and provide fertilizer for crops.
Leading health advocates have called for the use of "dry" toilets, which separate urine from faeces and remove the need to flush.
Speaking at the recent World Toilet Summit in Macau, World Toilet Organisation founder Jack Sims said the concept of the flushing toilet was unsustainable.
Mr Sims said a culture where people flushed their crappers but disregarded the thousands of litres of wasted drinking water each year was one of sanitation's greatest challenges
.
"This 'flush and forget' attitude creates a new problem which we have to revisit," he said.
New toilet tax proposed
There have already been calls by environmental experts to reduce the amount of water wasted through toilet flushing with a proposed new toilet tax.
Adelaide University's Water Management Professor Mike Young said the tax would encourage people to take shorter showers, recycle washing machine water or connect rainwater tanks to internal plumbing.
"Some people may go as far as not flushing their toilet as often, as the less sewage you produce the less the rate you pay," Professor Young said.
Top of the range
If you aren't flushed with enthusiasm by a third-world toilet, Time magazine recently revealed the world's most expensive toilet.
The sophisticated lavatory from Japanese manufacturer Toto features a self-raising or closing toilet lid, a seat-warmer and ambient music to make relieving yourself as pleasant as possible.
Several of these features are already the mainstay of upper-class Japanese restaurants, while some of the top range models can even check blood pressure, urine protein, weight and body fat.
Toilet facts:
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The average person spends three years of their life on the "john".
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Lack of suitable toilets and sanitation kills approximately 1.8 million people a year, many of them children.
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According to Jack Sims, a further 500 million toilets are needed to bridge the gap in sanitation.
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The first flushing toilet was invented in 1596 by Sir John Harrington, a British noble and godson to Queen Elizabeth I. He only invented one, as he was ridiculed by his peers, but he still used it for himself.
TULSA, Okla. (AP) - Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader says Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson should drop the case against three people accused of violating election law during a petition drive and go after the real crooks.
Nader made the comments Thursday afternoon during a campaign stop in Tulsa. The attorney general's office did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment.
Rick Carpenter, Paul Jacob and Susan Johnson were charged with conspiracy to defraud the state by using petition circulators who were not state residents, a violation of Oklahoma law.
The charges stem from a signature petition drive to put a so-called taxpayer bill of rights, or TABOR, on a statewide ballot.
Nader also accused Edmondson Thursday of being "part of a family of cliques" that run the state.
ABC's Charlie Gibson became the first of the snarky network anchors to take pot shots at GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin. I didn't watch all of the interviews, which aired over several nights. But, it seems safe to assume the interview failed to produce the hoped-for drama, as the exchange below garnered the most criticism from Palin-haters.
GIBSON:
Do you agree with the Bush Doctrine?
PALIN: In what respect, Charlie?
GIBSON: The Bush — what do you interpret it to be?
PALIN: His worldview?
GIBSON: No, the Bush Doctrine enunciated September 2002 before the Iraq war.
PALIN: I believe that what President Bush has attempted to do is rid this world of Islamic extremism, terrorists who are hell bent on destroying our nation. And with new leadership, and that's the beauty of American elections, of course, and democracy, is with new leadership comes opportunity to do things better.
GIBSON: The Bush doctrine, as I understand it, is that we have the right of anticipatory self-defense, that we have the right to a preemptive strike against any other country that we think is going to attack us. Do you agree with that?
PALIN: Charlie, if there is legitimate and enough intelligence that tells us that a strike is imminent against American people, we have every right to defend our country. In fact, the president has the obligation, the duty to defend.
The exchange occurred as Gibson sneered condescendingly over his glasses. His smug self-assuredness belied the fact that Mr. Gibson knows less about the Bush doctrine than Governor Palin does.
Columnist Charles Krauthammer wrote a column prior to the 9/11 attacks entitled: The Bush Doctrine: ABM, Kyoto and the New American Unilateralism. This was the first mention of "a Bush doctrine". The article said nothing of preemptive strikes; rather it discussed how the US was pulling out of, or rejecting, international treaties.
The term Bush doctrine was again used in the wake of 9/11, as President Bush declared no neutrality in the war against terror. "You're either for us, or you're against us." This most specifically applied to Pakistan, to coerce its cooperation in finding terrorists in its region.
Prior to the invasion of Afghanistan, another Bush doctrine emerged, which holds a nation responsible for actions of those within their borders. The government of Afghanistan was to be deposed because in indulged Al Qaeda within its borders.
Charlie Gibson's understanding, or lack thereof, regarding the Bush doctrine, involving preemptive attacks against a menacing enemy, citing a Bush speech in 2002, is more logically an extension of previously declared policy rather than a doctrine of its own. The government of Iraq was deposed because of the actions of Saddam Hussein. His perceived threat initiated the doctrine that held the Iraqi nation responsible for his actions.
President Bush himself has never publicly declared any of these policies to be a "Bush doctrine".
Most recently, the media has declared yet another Bush doctrine, around the idea that the fundamental mission of American foreign policy is to spread democracy throughout the world. This is actually the Truman doctrine, but don't tell the Washington Post, they call it the Bush doctrine.
So given all of this, Palin's question: "In what respect, Charlie?" was the most intelligent part of the whole exchange. The pseudo-intellectual Mr. Gibson demonstrated that he would rather go for the "gotcha" moment, rather than offer a clearly phrased question deserving of a serious response.
Forced to assume there was oinly one Bush doctrine, Palin's answer was not an unreasonable summary. In fact, it was somewhat close to the Post's definition of the Bush (Truman) doctrine.There is no limit to the shamelessness of efforts to discredit Sarah Palin.
THIS JUST IN: Sarah Palin had a tanning bed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. It is not clear if the Governor used the tanning bed while her daughter had sex with a hockey player. What will they find next?....Developing.
Just a part Eskimo boy, who likes to drink, fish and fuck.
Took the midnight train to meet (runner-up) Miss Ala-aska
A governor of a tiny state
Finger foods and warming plates
With a smile she can tell Obama
To go on and on and on and onnnnnn
Don't stop believing
Journey lyrics aside - a star was born tonight and she is the future of the Republican Party. She just had her fifth child and her husband works for a living in the Alaskan oilfields and on fishing boats. Her son is an infantryman heading for Iraq next week. She was mayor of her hometown and took on the Republican establishment in her home state. Defeating an incumbent Republican Governor (who had previously served 22 years as a US Senator), she drove establishment politicians to resign and is the most popular Governor in the nation among her constituents.
Sarah Palin is here and she is smart, tough, funny, passionate and a gifted speaker. Her cadence was flawless, her inflection poignant and she looked like she was having a wonderful time mocking her not ready for primetime naysayers.
No other Republican could have put on a performance equaling Palin's Wednesday night speech. Not Romney, Pawlenty, Huckabee or even Rudy (who proved an outstanding warm-up act) could have delivered the political theater or real American narrative that is Sarah Palin.
How's this for a neo-feminist slogan, and an effective answer to those misogynists who say she is not ready.
"Every woman can walk through every door of every opportunity."
In the traditional Veep role of attack dog, Palin proved pithy and vicious. Here are some more quotables from the speech:
"I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities."
"It's easy to forget that this is a man (Obama) who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform - not even in the state senate."
"This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting, and never use the word "victory" except when he's talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed ... when the roar of the crowd fades away ... when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot - what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger ... take more of your money ... give you more orders from Washington ... and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world. America needs more energy ... our opponent is against producing it. Victory in Iraq is finally in sight ... he wants to forfeit."
"In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change."
As Democrat operatives scramble to scour the minutes of Wasilla City Council meetings looking for a new attack campaign that does not center on driving a 17-year-old girl to suicide, a new star has outshown their own.
But the attacks are going to increase in nastiness and vitriol. The initial response of the media is to continually point out that the speech was written for her. As someone who has written thousands of words ascribed to politicians, all speeches are written for them. However, a truly great speech has the indelible mark of the deliverer. At least that's what they say when Obama gave one.
Sarah Palin was neither deterred nor intimidated by the cruel mockery of those who will never match her accomplishments. She rose to a challenge and had her moment in time, likely not her last. She rubbed the nose of snide comedians and basement dwelling bloggers in the shit of time, denying them even the opportunity to stuff all of those idiotic words back into their pea-sized brains. And she did it having the time of her life – so far. Only in America.
Just prior to Memorial Day weekend Hillary Clinton declared she was staying in the race for the Democratic nomination just in case somebody decided to kill Barak Obama. It's not clear whether the Senator's remark was intended to stimulate thought among moody loners with guns, or simply demonstrate that she is ready and able to perform the duties of the vice-President, which includes waiting for the President to die. Nonetheless, if Obama puts Hillary on the ticket he should probably create a cabinet position for a Presidential food taster.
Barak Obama doubtlessly has concerns about the prospect of sharing the stage with America's most potent political power couple since Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. The Clintons would enter the vice-Presidency with experience, connections, and gravitas unlike any previous holder of the office. Constantly double-teaming a President Obama, Bill and Hill could hijack his administration within a few months.
Hillary may have the clout and the delegates to elbow her way onto the ticket, whether Obama wants her or not. At the end of the day, Hillary is nothing but trouble for Barak.
Potential Running Mates
Bob Graham – has served as both a Governor and Senator from the key swing state of Florida. The 71-year-old Graham could allay concerns about Obama's inexperience and lead voters to consider whether they would prefer the old guy be on the bottom of the ticket rather than the top. A former Chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, Graham brings badly needed credibility in both foreign policy and military affairs.
Evan Bayh – another governor and a US senator, this time from the state of Indiana. At 52, Bayh would create generational parity similar to Clinton..Gore, who won as young change candidates. What Bayh lacks in scintillating personality, he makes up for with boyish good look's. Bayh was an early supporter of Hillary and could help heal festering wounds between camps.
John Edwards – I don't know why Obama would take a chance on Edwards half-assing it again. Edwards ran two stunningly unsuccessful campaigns for President, and one for Vice President. He didn't really pull his oar as John Kerry's running mate in the 2004 election. I can't imagine why a winner like Obama would want to get wrapped up with a loser like Edwards.
Bill Richardson – As poorly as the New Mexico governor performed as a presidential candidate the only way he makes the ticket is if polling information demonstrates that Richardson could attract the Hispanic voters that Obama is losing in droves. But, from what I could tell not even the Hispanics were voting for Richardson.
Kathleen Sebelius - If feminists and the Democratic Party demand a woman on the ticket this popular Kansas Governor could be the compromise choice. However, she shares Obama's lack of experience in foreign policy and military matters. Even though she is very popular in her home state of Kansas, it would be a difficult place to turn blue.
Ted Strickland –
A popular Governor from the swing state of Ohio, Strickland has proven capable of winning over Republican votes. As a centrist governor, he has made education a primary issue, and obtained an A rating from the National Rifle Association. He doesn't help with foreign-policy or military issues. Strickland is camera ready and competent.
Bill Nelson – A former astronaut, Nelson flew on the space shuttle Columbia. As a United States Senator from Florida, Nelson is strongly opposed to offshore oil drilling along the Florida coast and has voted to abolish the estate tax. He is a sitting member of both the Armed Services and Foreign Relations Committees.
The Best Choice
Jim Webb - After graduating from the United States Naval Academy, Webb went on to serve with distinction as a Marine in Vietnam. He was awarded the Navy Cross, Silver Star, two bronze stars and two purple hearts. Although Webb is a lifelong Democrat, Ronald Reagan appointed him Secretary of the Navy in 1987. He is currently a senator from Virginia and could turn it from a red to a blue state. Webb is tough and mean. He should perform very well in the vice-Presidents traditional role as campaign attack dog. He seems to add everything to the Obama ticket that the Democrats lack and need.
Let us start with some amazing discoveries. You know it's one of ol' Paul's favorite subjects. Yes the human genome mapping project. It truly stands tall as one of the shinning pinnacles of human achievement, second only perhaps to the discovery of Viagra in my humble opinion. However, with the good inevitably comes the bad, and the same diligent work which will one day lead to a cure for cancer, put an end to mental illness and make ugly people a distant nightmare of the past, also reveals some difficult long-hidden truths about us.
Disturbing truths, which we as a society may not yet be able to deal with - but frankly, once Pandora's lid is open there is no turning back. Much like the Internet bringing pornography to people who would never dream of stepping into the seedy neighborhood adult bookstore, mapping our genetics shines a light onto our undeniable proclivities.
So let's throw caution to the wind and peer into the abyss together, shall we?
One of the most amazing things we've learned about our genetic makeup is the fact that we have far fewer genes than previously believed. Before the human genome was completed, we were believed to be made up of roughly 100,000 seperate genes. We have since learned that we have only 30,000 which isn't much more than the average house plant.
According to scientists, more than 200 human genes come to us from bacteria, which helps explain why Pauly Shore and Dane Cook seem funny to some.
One of the most incredible discoveries made by genome researchers is the fact that there are certain sequences of DNA that act as a permanent record of human evolution, charting 800 million years of mutation and development.
This means that we will soon have the capacity to look into the past, and shut up all those idiots who think evolution is bullshit, but lack sufficient fear of an angry and vengeful god.
Listen up men! In plumbing the depths of the human genome, scientists inadvertently confirmed what we all intuitively knew anyway. Men are at the forefront of evolutionary mutation. In fact the rate of mutation among men is roughly twice the rate of female genetic mutation. So be proud penis wielders. Our proclivity to spawn grotesque abominations keeps the species screaming headlong towards who the hell knows what.
It turns out MLK was on to something. There really is a brotherhood of man. Whether you are black, white, Asian, Latino, Eskimo, Zulu, Canadian, Australian, or Kiwi, your DNA is 99.9%identical to the DNA of your different looking neighbors.
However, before patting ourselves on the back 99.5% of that is identical to a chimp.
This does not apply to members of Skull and Bones. Members of Yale University's most un-secret secret society are selected based on their genetic similarity to a starfish. In case you wondered.
That's all for Page One.....Stay tuned……for more!
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Page Two
Advances in manifest destiny dominate this week in history:
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In 1804, heroic explorers Lewis and Clark set off on an expedition that led to a hundred years of continental genocide, culminating with an eradication of indigenous populations far more thorough than even Genghis Kahn could have imagined.
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In 1846, President James Polk decided the best way to keep the Mexicans out of Texas was to conquer California, resulting in a two year war with Mexico. In 1848 gold was found in California. The precious metals and natural resources extracted from the region are pivotal in the two hundred year rise of the U.S. as a global power. Meanwhile, its territory reduced by half, Mexico becomes a land of plight and poverty. But hey - the Mexicans fared better than the Indians.
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In 1916, renowned theoretical physicist Albert Einstein presents his theory of general relativity to his peers. The scientific community is rocked by the theory, which Einstein contends that people who are related to one another tend to look alike.
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In 1927, Louis B. Mayer forms the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, without which we would have had no idea that "The English Patient" "Titanic" and "Shakespeare in Love" were all actually very good movies.
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In 1981, a Turkish gunman shot Pope John Paul II. The Pontiff later forgave his assailant, which isn't really that impressive when you consider he was a professional forgiver.
Thats all for page two…
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Page Three...
From Paul's Mailbag…?
This question comes from Eric, a listener in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Q: Dear Paul, would you be so kind as to explain the mystery behind the day after defecation. When you get up in the morning after a heavy nights drinking and require a massive movement - but are hindered by hard edges, over packing and just not coming quietly - yet finally giving way - only to hit the water and float, while following matter sinks straight to the bottom of the bowl.
Is the lead turd a decoy? What is it attempting to divert our attention from? Is it like the Battlestar Galactica, leading a rag tag fugitive fleet - with perhaps a miniature Lorne Green at the helm, dispensing firm but fair justice and perpetually weighed down with heavy decisions.
So much is left unanswered with this flush and forget policy dictated by our social mores. This type of stoolside analysis blinds our society to nature's potential. Your wisdom would be elucidating.
A: Well Eric, your buddy Paul is no fecal expert but he does have some theories, derived from some scat clips ol' Paul saw on the confounded internet.
You see, as we grow older, it slowly begins to dawn on us that life is nothing but a miserable forced march towards certain death. This inescapable slow-dawning horror is made manifest by life itself. Like a mongoloid, hermaphroditic, triple amputee dressed in blood spattered surgical scrubs, slowly pulling the clinging sheets off the horribly burned corpse of a loved one who's identity is not yet known to us. In other words, man is the only creature capable of pondering ones own death when that death is potentially decades away. This is what smart people call the "human condition."
Yer old Pal Paul calls it a kick in the teeth and it's also one of the reasons that ignorance is so blissful.
Anyway back to Eric's question about feces... it's your old Pal Paul's contention that the gnawing, ever present anxiety brought upon us by our awareness of our own mortality stimulates a loss of hope. Now when we say we are losing hope, what does that mean exactly?
For the sake of argument let's assume that hope is not just an emotion, but an actual quantifiable substance, matter if you will. If so, then when hope is lost - the matter that comprised hope (probably a gooey ectoplasm) is still present in the universe. Perhaps existing as what Astronomers call "dark matter."
Short of its inert state, the material elements of hope would allow it to adapt and bond with available molecules.
Perhaps, when it's cold outside, some lost hope clings to the water vapor in our breath and drifts away from us only to coalesce over an ocean. Sad, runaway hope-rats running away from the doomed ships of our flesh bound earthly manifestations.
At this point it is reasonable to suppose that hope can escape through the anus as well, and would similarly bond with available molecules. Advanced, emotionally-infused, adaptable hope would out-smart standard fecal molecules and get out of the colon first - but the unfamiliarity with fecal consistency - could make the road - a little rocky.
However, once expelled, that first hunk of feces infused with the essence of evacuating hope would be unsure, for a considerable time, whether to adapt to the water or air.
While water would win the battle in time - that first cow out of the chute would indeed - float, because of hope.
Isn't it obvious.
That perky vixen Sandra Bullock taught me that.
P a u l H a r v e y
GOOD...........DAY
Paul Harvey can be heard everyday - if you'd just realize it.
Doglet was a mutt, a friendly, tail wagging conglomeration of breeds. He had long droopy ears that nearly touched the ground because his short legs afforded him little clearance. His short nose was equally disparate with his chunky elongated body. He was a cute, but unattractive, dog rescued from the doggie death dungeon by the son of the do-gooder liberal Headmaster of Holland Hall.
The Headmaster's house was adjacent to the old middle school campus, right smack dab in the middle of an upscale Tulsa neighborhood. While Doglet was usually confined to the house, the headmaster had three kids, so with all of the going and coming he would, with some regularity, find his way over to campus.
The Headmaster's son was a classmate of mine and usually received the assignment to take Doglet home.
You couldn't tell to look at Doglet, but when he became excited you couldn't miss it. He was perhaps a Darwinian trailblazer, as the gene that accounted for the erect state of Doglet's penis was from a very large breed of dog, or perhaps a small pony.
One day, Doglet wandered into our eighth grade Latin class. The students, all-atwitter, began laughing and calling his name. Delighted with all of the attention, Doglet suddenly became aroused. Our shocked and always effeminate Latin teacher, Mr. Bippus, reeked of chagrin and bemusement.
When Doglet was at full mast, his blood-engorged member was about half the size of his torso and rendered the dog unable to walk until he resumed a relaxed state. The dog just kind of tipped over on his side as his penis swelled beneath him.
The reaction to this was predictable in a class of eighth graders. The girls squealed with horrific delight, the boys howled with uncontrollable hilarity. Mr. Bippus, who did have a girlfriend, nonetheless quickly pattered his feet like the dance of a housewife trapped in the kitchen by a mouse. He gestured as if he were going to pick up the dog, but had no clue how to go about it. Finally, holding his hands tight to his chest as he danced, Mr. Bippus looked at the Headmaster's son whose head is buried in his hands, asked, "What should I do?"
Doglet knew the responsible thing to do, and started working on the problem immediately – with his tongue. As if he knew, the sooner we all get through this, the better for everyone.
Although I couldn't quite see the happy ending, it was obvious when it happened. It was a relief to everyone, except a couple of girls up front who may have been traumatized and left with slightly soiled shoes.
It didn't take long for a satisfied Doglet to recoil his bright red hog leg deep within his abdomen. Mr. Bippus, beyond aghast, now standing stiffly and flatfooted behind his desk, ordered the Headmaster's son to remove the dog from the premises. A now ambulatory Doglet still wanted to play and took off on a victory lap around the classroom before he could be corralled into the hallway. Latin class was over for that day.
Nazis and Nannies in Oklahoma
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life
Nazis and Nannies in Oklahoma
What is it about banning cigarette smoking that makes a society want to kill Hebrews? Oh, did I write that out-loud? Is that a non sequitur? Perhaps, but it happened in that order in Germany of the 1930s.
Upon taking power in 1933, the Nazi agenda greatly restricted tobacco advertising, engaged in a sophisticated anti-smoking public relations campaign and eventually banned smoking in most buildings, including privately owned buildings like bars and restaurants. Banning smoking in privately owned public places, like restaurants and bars, is only a jumping off point to smking bans in private residences and cars. Smoking bans on private property represent more than a restriction on behavior, but a serious erosion of property owner's rights.
Why do we impose these punitive regulations of self-denial? We do it for the children, of course. So the children won't die or suffer a sub-standard life.
However, heart disease is the number one killer, not lung cancer. And is it any wonder, when we start pumping thick, white, fatty cow excrement down their throats the moment they pop out of the womb.
We market milk to children and bribe kids with frozen, sugar-filled versions of this fat filled product.
When they get older, we tell them 2% milk will keep them from getting any fatter, but they do anyway, because there is more fat in a glass of 2% milk than in all of Branson at the height of tourist season.
Then comes rotten milk, which is supposed to make you thinner. Of course, cottage cheese sounds better than rotten milk.
Is it any wonder that after a lifetime of coerced milk consumption, the average child's heart beats itself to death by adulthood. So, we don't do it for the children.
Hitler knew as he bent German society to his will on smoking he could bend it to his will elsewhere. "The state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people. As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of the children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation," at least that's how Hitler saw it.
Today's tobacco nannies demand that no one ever smoke in any room they might enter someday. They have thus far managed to convince the courts to treat their demand as a constitutional right, claiming hurricane force winds are necessary to clear smoke from a room. Adolph forbade anyone smoking in any room he might ever enter.
The Oklahoma Legislature banned smoking in most public places by 2006, but granted some exceptions. Restaurants able to shoulder the expense of building smoking rooms with separate ventilation could accommodate customers. However, new legislation working its way to the Governor's desk would revoke those exceptions, and ban smoking even in bars by November of 2008.
The rights of property owners are central to the American ideal. Smoking bans are an inextricable part of an assault on the rights of property owners. They are tools of a nanny state, manipulating behavior from cradle to grave - a government too willing to make the hard choices for us. While I am comfortable that Oklahoma's anti-smoking extremism won't culminate in gas chambers, it is a serious erosion of civil liberties, already under assault from a variety of usurpers.
How much of "it" is "good" - death of a catchphrase
With the blessings of a merciful god another blathering catch phrase may be approaching impending irrelevance. I have noticed recently that it has been a long time since the term "its all good" had come spewing forth from someone’s mouth in some fit of oral dysentary. Prattling in the name of optimism is not a virtue. This sweeping generalization is not a healthy thought at all, as it ignores the clearest of fact that "it" is not even predominantly "good."
Most of "it" is really pretty shitty. Now there are times when we have to suck "it" up and pretend things are good but we know its an act - self delusion is clearly a dismal state of being.
The point is that if "it" were "all good" - then you wouldnt know bad if it were draining blood from your corroded artery. If a clear definition of bad becomes elusive, then properly appreciating good becomes impossible. From there we soon find ourselves drooling, mind-numbed, automatons so afraid of casting a judgment that deciding where to eat lunch becomes troublesome.
If "its all good" you might as well eat at McDonalds.
If "its all good" then choices become irrelevant and life is little more than a series of choices. Our ability to analyze those choices to assist in future decisions, keeps us from rolling in our own shit, stabbing at flies with our tongue and grooming one anothers matted hair.
So good riddance "its all good," soon you shall plague the addle-minded no longer. You can join "sock it to me", "na-noo-na-noo", "where’s the beef", "you look mahvelous" and "the dingo ate your baby" as glaring evidence that the fattest, wealthiest, and most educated people the planet has ever seen may actually be ancestors of todays chimpanzees. Except our attention span seems mercifully shorter.
"Yeah - thats the ticket" and "Im Chevy Chase and you’re not."
How to recruit a Super-Delegate
Current mood: cynical
Category: News and Politics
If Hillary Clinton wins in Texas and Ohio, the fight for the Democratic nomination could go all the way to the convention. At that point the race comes down to cajoling uncommitted and super delegates. How is that done? This excerpt from Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail should help explain the process.
On Monday afternoon, the first day of the convention, you—the ambitious young lawyer from St. Louis with no skeletons in the closet and no secret vices worth worrying about—spending the afternoon by the pool at the Playboy Plaza, soaking up the sun and gin/tonics when you hear somebody calling your name. You look up and see a smiling, rotund chap about thirty-five years old coming at you, ready to shake hands.
"Hi there, Virgil," he says. "My name's J.D. Squane. I work for Hillary and we'd sure like to count on your vote. How about it?"
You smile, but say nothing—waiting for Squane to continue. He will want to know your price.
But Squane is staring out to sea, squinting at something on the horizon... then he suddenly turns back to you and starts talking very fast about how he always wanted to be a riverboat pilot on the Mississippi, but politics got in the way.... "And now, goddammit, we must get these last few votes...."
You smile again, itching to get serious. But Squane suddenly yells at somebody across the pool, then turns back to you and says: "Jesus, Virgil, I'm really sorry about this, but I have to run. That guy over there is delivering my new Jensen Interceptor." He grins and extends his hand again. "Say, maybe we can talk later on, eh? What room are you in?"
"1909."
He nods. "How about seven, for dinner? Are you free?"
"Sure."
"Wonderful," he replies. "We can take my new Jensen for a run up to Palm Beach... It's one of my favorite towns."
"Mine too," you say. "I've heard a lot about it."
He nods. "I spent some time there last February... but we had a bad act, dropped about fifty grand."
Jesus! Jensen Interceptor; fifty grand... Squane is definitely big time.
"See you at seven," he says, moving away."
The knock comes at 7:02—but instead of Squane it's a beautiful silver-haired young girl who says J.D. sent her to pick you up. "He's having a business dinner with the Senator and he'll join us later at the Crab house."
"Wonderful, wonderful—shall we have a drink?"
She nods. "Sure, but not here. We'll drive over to North Miami and pick up my girlfriend... but let's smoke this before we go."
"Jesus! That looks like a cigar!"
"It is!" she laughs. "And it'll make us both crazy."
Many hours later, 4:30 a.m. soaking wet falling into the lobby, begging for help: No wallet, no money, no ID. Blood on both hands and one shoe missing, dragged up to the room by two bellboys...
Breakfast at noon the next day, half sick in the coffee shop -- waiting for a Western Union Money order from the wife in St. Louis. Very spotty memories from last night.
"Hi there, Virgil."
JD Squane, still grinning. "Where were you last night, Virgil? I came by right on the dot, but you weren't in."
"I got mugged -- by your girlfriend."
"Oh? Too bad. I wanted to nail down that ugly little vote of yours."
"Ugly? Wait a minute... that girl you sent; we went someplace to meet you."
"Bullshit! You double-crossed me, Virgil! If we weren't on the same team I might be tempted to lean on you."
Rising anger now, painful throbbing and the head. "Fuck you, Squane. I'm on nobody's team! If you want my vote you know damn well how to get it -- and that goddamn dope addict girlfriend of yours didn't help any."
Squane smiles heavily. "Tell me, Virgil -- what was it you wanted for that vote of yours, a seat on the federal bench?"
"You're goddamn fucking A-right! You got me in bad trouble last night, J.D. When I got back here my wallet was gone and there was blood on my hands."
"I know. You beat the shit out of her."
"What?"
"Look at these photographs, Virgil. It's some of the most disgusting stuff I've ever seen."
"Photographs?"
"Squane hands them across the table."
"Oh my God!"
"Yeah, that's what I said, Virgil."
"No! This can't be me! I never saw that girl! Christ, she's only a child!"
"That's why the pictures are so disgusting, Virgil. You're lucky we didn't take them straight to the cops and have you locked up." Pounding on the table with his fist. "That's rape, Virgil! That's sodomy! With a child!"
"No!"
"Yes, Virgil -- and now you're going to pay for it."
"How? What are you talking about?"
Squane smiling again. "Votes, my friend. Yours and five others. Six votes for six negatives. Are you ready?"
Tears of rage in the eyes now. "You evil son of a bitch! You're blackmailing me!"
"Ridiculous, Virgil. Ridiculous. I'm talking about coalition politics."
"I don't even know six delegates. Not personally, anyway. And besides, they all want something."
Squane shakes his head. "Don't tell me about it, Virgil. I'd rather not hear. Just bring me the six names off this list by noon tomorrow. If they all vote the right way, you will never hear of this nastiness again. If not, your life will take a turn for the worse"
It is a long time since the heady days of 1992. "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow." The hippest politicians America had ever seen now seem as quaint as Atari. Time has overtaken Bill & Hillary Clinton and their cutthroat politics; serving them so well through a tough primary, to unseating an incumbent president then weathering scandals in office, emerging more popular than ever. They now seem shrill and unpleasant to a more sophisticated electorate.
The Clinton legacy is historically a little thin, largely revolving around successfully reforming welfare, a soaring stock market that eventually crashed and a rather broad redefinition of what constitutes sex. Democrats, weary of defending and justifying the past are ready to embrace the possibilities of an Obama legacy.
It took the Clintons about 15 minutes after Hillary's loss in Iowa to play the race card (as I have previously documented). "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Don't stop, it will soon be here." Despite short-term gains in California, Tennessee and Oklahoma, their message eroded their loyal support in black communities. Suddenly, the so-called first black President became a finger-pointing plantation boss, keeping his subjects in line while insulting them to their face.
Bill Clinton once saved the national Democratic Party. The Southern charm of the Arkansas Governor broke the mold of the stereotypical liberal Democrat machine politician, like Mondale or Dukakis, who had over two generations given liberals a bad name. Nor was he another stodgy, World War II white-collar conservative flashing down the street pointing a plastic finger, like Nixon, Ford, Reagan and Bush. He was a blank slate ready to be imbued with the hopes of the baby boom generation.
Yes, Bill Clinton won the presidency and entered the White House as the new agent for hope and change. "It will be here better than before, yesterdays gone, yesterdays gone." Now, Bill and Hillary Clinton face only their second political defeat in 30 years, ironically hoisted by their own petard of change for change's sake.
The face of change is fleeting. In Barak Obama, Democrats have found a new unconventional candidate and fresh canvas, on which to paint their hopes for another generation. However, hope is as fleeting as change, both nebulous concepts that titillate the soul, but ultimately fail to deliver, because what was promised was left ill defined.
I don't expect or want anything from politicians (except perhaps a consulting job), least of all hope. Hope springs from the trees if you look for it. Change happens all the time in government, usually for the worst. Send the federal government a mandate for change and they are going to demand more money and fewer civil liberties.
To nobody's surprise, I'll be voting for the stodgy old white guy with a bad temper I want a cranky old man as President, keeping bad guys from doing what bad guys do. He can recognize bad men, because he has looked them in the eye before and told them to fuck off.
The Birds (repost)
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Travel and Places
Quite some time ago, I was enjoying a week down at Padre Island. After a morning of drinking on the beach, I retired to the condo, quite likely to get more booze.
We stayed in one of two towers, near the top about the 10th floor. The two towers curved around a large swimming pool and several hot tubs.
Upon reaching the condo I filled a Big Gulp cup with vodka and cranberry juice, turned up some music, grabbed one of a couple dozen bran muffins one of our party had baked for sustenance and meandered out onto the balcony. I looked down at the crowded pool and out across the Gulf of Mexico. I sat down swigging deeply from the plastic cupful of booze.
I looked up to see a single gull near hovering just off my balcony. I off handedly tossed a piece of muffin to the bird who dove sharply snatching the snack in mid air. I was most assuredly amused.
I flung another piece of muffin over the edge to the same delightful result. Knowing there were more muffins where that came from I went back to re-supply so my new friend would continue his aerial feats. I returned to find he had invited friends. Why not, I had enough for everyone.
Maybe "friends" isn't quite the right term, because the more bran muffin bits I flung over the side, the more unfriendly the gulls became. Two or three gulls would peck at one another's eyes as they plummeted to intercept the tasty morsel. Not to mention the number of gulls in competition was growing exponentially - all uproarious theater for being drunk before lunch.
Before long, a massive flock of seagulls had assembled off my balcony. I began throwing bran muffin by the handful to accommodate the new arrivals. The scene devolved into something out of Hitchcock's The Birds. Or perhaps shark week on the Discovery Channel, as gulls fought furiously in the ensuing feeding frenzy.
The squawking of the birds became deafening, but once I stopped laughing so hard I managed to hear the security guard in the other tower shouting – "Hey asshole – stop feeding the birds."
I knew the jig was up and retreated to the condo. Not wishing to discuss the matter further I changed shirts, added a hat, threw the vodka and cranberry into a paper bag and headed for the elevator. When I reached he bottom floor I bruskly walked by several security guards getting on to go up.
I walked out to the pool area on my way to the beach and found unspeakable carnage. The once crowded pool was empty. Large white and black blotches were splattered every couple feet, some still floating on top of the water – reminiscent of carpet bombing campaigns of World War 2. This was what happened atDresden, I thought.
Already the custodial staff was cleaning away – they had a long afternoon ahead. I never heard of the mater again, although, admittedly, my recollections thereafter are sketchy at best.
How to Stop an Exploding Abscess
Current mood: crunk
Category: News and Politics
How to Stop an Exploding Abscess
There is no place more dangerous than between a politician and a camera. Yet, baseball great Roger Clemens wandered into a congressional committee like a deer onto a dark mountain road. Two dozen United States Congressman spent five hours pugnaciously peppering the pitcher regarding his use of performance enhancing drugs.
The unbridled zeal of the congressional committee was, heretofore reserved for Watergate conspirators. But rest assured each and every Congressman and woman maximized their five minutes of cable network face time. The ongoing escalation of rhetoric represented a fierce competition between committee members where each hoped their indignant question will be picked up as the representative sound bite for the evening news.
Doubtlessly this appearance in front of a congressional committee will lead to a further investigation and quite possibly perjury charges against the pitcher. Home run king Barry Bonds already has the justice department down on him. Senator Arlen Specter is prepared to drag the New England Patriots in front of his committee to talk about videotapes.
It is indeed comforting that the United States Congress is so competent and efficient with its time as to have a handle on 2 foreign wars, keep careful watch terrorist sleeper cells residing quietly in suburban America, take care of millions of illegal immigrants, stimulate a slumping economy, stop global warming, fix education, prop up a floundering currency and still have the time and energy to crack down on the omnipresent threat of baseball fans being splattered by the explosion of a puss filled abscess caused by a sloppy drug injection into Roger Clemens ass.
It's a shame fixing roads doesn't get anyone on T.V.
So much angst for the most extraneous job in the world. The selection of a moribund creature, helping without hurting, lingering without skulking, who is one heartbeat away from relevance.
With the Republican race all but decided and the Democrats whittled down to two candidates, I thought I would spend some time analyzing the qualities that go into a good vice-presidential candidate. The most important characteristic of a good candidate for vice President is that he or she is subservient in every way to the president. When they stand next to one another it should be visually clear who is the boss.
1) Do no harm - the choice cannot call into question the presidential candidate's judgment. The classic example of this is George McGovern's selection of Thomas Eagleton in 1972. When it came out that Eagleton had undergone electroshock therapy for psychiatric disorders, voters came to question McGovern's sanity as much as Eagleton's.
2) No alpha dogs - the vice president cannot upstage the president. The veep can't have more charisma, should neither be better looking nor a more dynamic speaker and must never appear more sexually virulent than the boss. Remember, nobody votes for vice-President and people do everything for sex.
3) Qualified - rarely does either political party nominate the most qualified person to be president, so neither should they nominate the most qualified person to be vice president. They should be just qualified enough to not terrify voters at the prospect of a president's death, but still frightening enough to dissuade assasins.
4) Regional relevance – Rarely can Veeps deliver a key state, when they can it is huge. LBJ's presence on the ticket delivered Texas and the Whitehouse for JFK. Al Gore's Southern pedigree combined with Clinton to break the 2 decade GOP stranglehold on electoral votes South of the Mason-Dixon line
5) Specific expertise – If the Presidential nominee is a Governor, then a Veep with strong military or foreign policy credentials can be helpful. Bush/Cheney is a good example of that pairing. Cheney lent Bush foreign policy expertise. Stints as Ambassador to China and CIA Director helped Bush Sr. assuage fears of Reagans lack of international experience.
6) The Heavy – A good Veep is a good attack dog, willing and able to do the dirty work so the top of the ticket may appear above the fray. Spiro Agnew played that role to a tee for Nixon.
Basically, a Veep must be complimentary and clearly submissive to the nominee. Dan Quayle was a good choice because after 8 years as Reagan's Veep, George Bush needed a VP that made him look like a President, rather than second fiddle. Bush looked like a President standing next to Quayle. His opponent, Mike Dukakis, a short swarthy Greek, chose Lloyd Bentsen, a handsome 6'5" Texan whose 30 years in the Senate and alpha personality made him a more attractive candidate than Dukakis.
nostalgic
annoyed
bitchy
cynical
crunk
pugnacious
chipper