Ever fight in a church? no. i usually sink into my brain-dead mode in churches.
When was the last time someone said you were hot? haha yesterday. hawt to be accurate.
When did you last lie with a straight face? oh please i can't lie to save my life.
What is the most money you have spent on a gift? umm... $200?
Ever taken pics you regret? yes yes. i have been the subject of photos that i wish never existed. drugs, you know.
Would you rather live in the country, city, or suburbs? D. i'd rather not live.
Last time you were truly in love? no. forget you asked, ok?
Do you think all guys think with their little head? i don't know. i haven't met all the guys. i really can't judge a whole group of people by the actions of just a few.
Ever take money from a stranger? not MONEY.
Who is on your mind right now? a few people. i have a lot of empty space up there.
Do you think piercings are sexy? it depends on the person sporting the piercing, doesn't it?
Who did you last curse at? .. i call people names all the time. but it's all in good fun.
Do you donate blood? yep.
Are you religious? um. ask me tomorrow.
Where did you graduate from? a couple places.
Do you like your job? i don't know. what's my job?
What is you're heritage? completely alien to yours.
What is you're favorite kind of music? the kind that gives me goosebumps and makes the insides of my eyes prick with tears.
Are you healthy or do you have medical problems? uh... i guess i must be pretty fuckin healthy. otherwise i would definitely be dead right now.
Do you have any fears? not really. not anymore.
What is the most disgusting thing you have ever seen on the internet? well, umm... there was this interview that i watched about an enormous baby in South America somewhere. it was pretty gross. the kid was like 6 months old and weighed about what i do. and i am 5'7". *shudders*
What is your favorite way to spend money? perfume. and accessories. and pretty frilly lingerie. wow. it's awesome that drugs don't make the list anymore.
Do you regret doing anything over the last week? nope.
If you could have any type superpower what would it be? i hate this question. there are so many. mind-reading; most definitely. invisibility. shape-shifting. flying. and as long as i'm thinking of the impossible; a cloak of indifference would be nice too.
Who will be the next president of the United States? i am rather hoping we (humans) don't make it that long.
What are your current goals? i cannot possibly answer this without listing at least a hundred. i want to be loved. passionately. recklessly. i want fingers twined in my hair; yanking my head back so my throat is exposed. i want all the kisses.
Ever see the 2 girls 1 cup video? erm... i am not sure. i probably would remember if i had.
What is your most favorite meal in the world? a fair question. i love my moms chili. and i love my fucking dads tunafish recipe. i can't do it right. one reason not to kill him yet. i love chicken ceaser salads. and chicken lemon rice soup. and tomato soup. and popcorn but that's not a meal. i looove hummus.
What do you think of guys that wear pink shirts? who's the guy? what does the shirt look like? i mean hell; i need more information.
Is there any accent that you find sexy? oui! any european accent sends shivers down my spine.. southern accents are interesting; but in a less visceral way.
Do you prefer yellow or white gold? i actually like yellow, white, and rose all twined together. and diamonds. big ol rocks.
Do you honestly consider yourself a good friend? i could do better. i am too edgy and nervous.
Are you looking forward to anything that is happening in the next 24 hours? not that i am aware of..
Have you ever set up friends and they ended up together long term? hummm. nope.
i miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way miss your approach to life and your body in my bed miss your take on anything and the music you would play miss cracking up and wrestling our debriefs at end of day
These are the things that i miss These are not times for the weak of heart These are the days of raw despondence i never dreamed i would have to lay down my torch for you like this
i miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write miss you walking through the front door documentries in your hand miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends miss our *cemetery* getaways and to watch you *play with that dog*
These are the things that i miss These are not times for the weak of heart These are the days of raw despondence i never dreamed i would have to lay down my torch for you like this
One step one prayer i soldier on simulating moving on
i miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids and the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief
These are the things that i miss These are not times for the weak of heart These are the days of raw despondence i never dreamed i would have to lay down my torch for you like this .
oh my GOD why couldn't i have just slept through until noon?? now i have a choice before me. i can go in or not. SHIT. choices choices CHOICES. its coldish looking outside. yeah.. gray.... might rain, nu? that makes me want to go in. nobody wanting anything fancy done is going to come on a day like this. they'll all put it off. it's too dismal outside to go to do hair. don't get me wrong; i LOVE to play with people's hair. some days. not today, not right NOW, but some days. today is not one of those days. i do not need any updos or highlight-lowlights today please. i have not slept so badly since.. god i don't know. since i stayed with dave? and i used to just sit on the couch and watch the dawn and smell the new air through the window and listen to him sleep in the bedroom? this SUCKS. i don't LIKE being alive to see the beautiful fucking sunrise. i want to be ASLEEP and DREAMING of things; naughty things, like everyone else should be doing at hours 4am-7am. the rest of the time we should spend working, eating, socializing, fucking, chewing gum, whatever. sometimes.. THESE times mostly.. i wish school were open 24/7. yep, just like 7-11. my god; i would have graduated a year ago. i CAN'T SLEEP. sighh. its this damnable bird, you see; tapping on my chamber window or something like that. it IS a bird. it's loud. it wakes me up a lot. sometimes i will catch a few minutes when the fucking thing is taking a crap somewhere or eating french fries, but sometimes i will get some shut eye and then this bird is right by my window again- the SAME BIRD- all yar yar yar yes pretty lovely sound 'yar'. high-pitched. alto. also like a drill in your ear when repeated infinity times infinity. never varying in pitch, tone, or rhythm. always the same. i see a cardinal in my tree at least once a day. i am sure he is the culprit. yes, Watson, when you have an intellect like mine, why, i say... is that an ice-cream truck? AWESOME NEWS. nikki came to school yesterday!!!!!! i was so damned happy i almost did a backflip straight into her! luckily i did not, otherwise we would both be in the ER right now with broken bones, but OHMYGOSH it was so good to see her! i sound all retarded and nutso when i talk about nikki and tracey; its so true; its like we haven't seen each other in years. it just seems like we should hang out more often, you know? and i love my stefanie of course and our long strange midnight talks in greasy spoons. and scheffler my sister from another mister... haha! it would be cool to be nicole schefflers roommate. that would be so much fun. we are both so much alike in a lot of ways and it would just be fun to live with her and sorta make sure she's always got me. or something. god i suck at being HONEST and telling the TRUTH, but i make sarcasm out of anything. and nikki k. was telling me yesterday a little more about traceys situation than i KNEW and i sort of mentally flipped out for a moment. i mean; she looks so... so... PUT TOGETHER. so professional and grown up and... maybe thats it. maybe this one was so bad that she has a wall up there now. she is still my sweet tracey but when i asked about that last brawl; i swear i never saw her face so serious and sad and just... given up. exactly. and then she told me some of what happened while she was getting her ink on, and nikki explained it more for me and wow. i mean, you don't understand. if i were her, i would be begging in the streets right now. and she just looks like a perfect little ray of sunlight. that is the element i would say is tracey. the sun. nikki k is definitely water. nicole sheffler (and me) would be air. haha. strange thoughts. its early. the damn bird is chirping. forgive me? yes. thank you. i cannot wait to graduate from that place. hmm. almost 8. lets see how i feel in an hour. maybe i'll go in for the hell of it. NO! it was a horrible dream that woke me up!! it wasn't the bird this morning!! the bird was just the first thing i remember hearing! well, the SECOND thing. the first thing i heard was my own voice talking into the pillow saying 'don't don't hurt him please don't hurt him hurt me hurt ME' and THAT was when i woke up.
ummm... i went to school at 9 and left at 11. just not feeling right. i asked randy and he said it would be fine for me to clock out and come back later tonight if i am feeling better. slim chance, but i hope i can. if i can do 5-9 or even 6-9... then that would total 5 or 6 hours today. and i really am so fucking fed up with school... but i promised myself i would see this shit through to the end, and come hell or high water or whatever else; i intend to do just exactly that. i have zero ideas on how i am supposed to set up a portfolio, make business cards, write a proper resume... well, no. thats not entirely true.. i DO know how to write a resume, but christ. what the hell are they playing at? i've been there a year and a half and NOBODY has ever had to do this much shit to graduate. you didn't have to do ANYTHING to graduate. just take all of your tests and mocks and show up and complete your hours. son of a bitch. i know i am doing really well; but i expressed the opinion about 3 months ago that students should graduate at 900 hours or 1,000. FIFTEEN HUNDRED hours is bullshit. am i learning anything new? no. am i GOING to learn anything new there? no. i need to actually GET into a salon atmosphere again in order to do that. every day there is the same shit over and over and over. i think i might start going nights again, but its so much easier for me to get up and get it over with in the morning... but there are more people i am friendly with that go nights. a dilemma. blech. i miss tracey and nikki a lot. it was really good to see stefanie the other day and know she is doing well. i miss her too. just keep your head straight, stupid. keep your goals straight. why are people firing guns????? nevermind. doesn't matter. they aren't firing them at ME. graduate. A.S.A.P. get. a. job. my checking account has shrunk shrunk shrunk and i REALLY want to do another shoot... i wonder if.. maybe if i called alissa... hm. god that would be a windfall. if somehow she could fit me in for a shoot next month while i am in columbus. $500 is a lot of money indeed when you are po'. graduate. state boards. whatever. job. car. save save save. move move move. of course i can't predict whether or not someone i care about might enter my life during this carefully planned strategy... but.. well... nobody is going to stop or stall me from taking the action i know is right in order to progress. i have GOT to think about my future. MY future. i haven't even ruled out going back to college. just for a degree. it certainly cannot hurt to have too many degrees and diplomas and licenses. there is no such thing as too much knowledge. and yeah, i am getting the cart quite a bit ahead of the horse; but in this position, it PAYS to think ahead. plan ahead. plan for your future. sparkles are pretty. i think i have a new favorite perfume. Dior Pure Poison. pure poison.
i don't visit here that often anymore... got rather a lot going on. but i DO want to encourage anyone reading this to rent.. actually, BUY, the movie Tangled. yeah, i know, rachael leigh cook is in it, but i was really impressed with the plot and the acting. and most movies i watch, i don't take the time to recommend or review them, but this really got to me. i moved. it's a nice place. but i really hate moving. i threw away a lot of things. oddly, i held onto a handful of photographs. they are not mine; you see, and they involve a person who may want them back someday. if he ever can think of anything nice to say to me again. forever is a long time to be so angry with someone who always loved you. after all. i hope Dennis's arm is healing... i cannot wait to get this new ink. and next month is the HellCity tattoofest, going to be held in Columbus... so i am pretty excited about that. i wonder if i can somehow do a shoot with alissa...? probably not. she is always constantly on the go during the HellCity marathons and although her energy seems limitless, i don't want to be pushy. i haven't been in a relationship since nick and i split up. on one hand, i think that's good. your heart can't be hurt or broken if you don't give it away; but sometimes i wonder if it might be better to just... i don't know. i prefer not to cloud my mind with trivial, unimportant things. i am doing my best to concentrate on the here and the now. and doing what i can to provide myself with the keys i will need to unlock the doors that will lead me to my future. in other words; i am turning my emotional side OFF. don't need it. until someone enters my life again and sucks all the air out of the room and illuminates the world; i guess i can keep focusing on what i need to do to be the person i know i can be. ~AM
Say hello to the rug’s topography It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it Say hello to the shrinking in your head You can’t see it but you know its there so don’t neglect it
I’m taking her home with me all dressed in white She’s got everything I need pharmacy keys She’s falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys
Say hello to all the apples on the ground They were once in your eyes but you sneezed them out while sleeping Say hello to everything you’ve left behind It’s even more a part of your life now that you can’t touch it
I’m taking her home with me all dressed in white She’s got everything I need some pills in a little cup She’s falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys
She’s got everything I need pharmacy keys She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys
sometimes you just have to be the strong one. even if it isn't in your character. it is, though, very very difficult. if it's not in your character. i am going to continue taking care of myself and being this person for a while longer.. maybe another year. then i am going to move out west. after much *MUCH* thinking, i have decided that this is the best course. i only wish i had done it 6 or 7 years ago. but wishing ain't getting. i will be finished with school soon and i just see so many more opportunities out west to do what i want to do and be who i want to be than there are here. all i have here are bad memories. when i go to my doctor on monday, i intend to ask her about bipolar disorder. i took an online questionairre that was recommended to me by a friend and it turns out that it is possible. it would be strange for Depression alone to have dogged me for so long... Depression is supposed to occur during some traumatic or life-changing event and then after a few months of paxil or lexapro; it goes away. i dislike being on medication; but i suppose i would be even more resentful if it turns out i am taking pills that are completely wrong for what i have. in any case, it is good to have something to hope for and anticipate. anticipation is a wonderful thing. and it will be so good, so good to get past this part of my life. i know that where ever you go; there you are.. it isn't like i am attempting to run away from MYSELF anymore, though. i just want to run away from OTHER things. i would like to put as much physical distance between myself and my past as i can. with that accomplished; perhaps i will feel stronger and more confident in creating a better future. i KNOW i can make it in the life i have chosen. in what i have chosen to do. but i also know i cannot do it here. there are too many bad sad mad things that i cannot shake off. caring about people is a mistake.
god i have a lot of junk. i wish i could say i have a lot of treasured possessions but its all junk. all crammed into this fucking room. and this month i've been trying to make some progress in cleaning it all out and throwing away all the crap i don't want or need or have any use for anymore... and i have been beseiged with the WORST nightmares. the night before last i was to be found knee deep among a pile of clothing, old notebooks, old shoes, mismatched socks, books, etc, and i dragged out these old boxes i had somehow managed to keep through all the years. boxes full of letters that a--- had written me; while we were together, while we were broken up, i even had an old hairbrush that we had from HIGH SCHOOL that we used to call the Trippy Brush. i forget why. it caused me no small amount of pain to throw them all away. i still haven't recovered from throwing away the Briefcase. but what was i supposed to do? what AM i supposed to do? cling to lost, old loves forever? take these things with me and keep them? obviously i don't mean anything to these people, why in Gods name should i keep these reminders of them around to haunt me? because thats a good word for me, boys and girls. i am haunted. i am. i can't even get away in my dreams. i... they aren't NIGHTMARES. they are actually lovely dreams. in my dreams i am sleeping next to n--- or d--- or a--- or we are talking and laughing and.. whatever.. and then i wake up. and the waking part is the nightmare. i was listening to the Natural Born Killers soundtrack today on my way to school and theres a song on there.. i don't know who sings it but she has a very haunting voice and the first lyrics are 'history repeats itself' what am i hoping for? why not tell the truth? i know exactly what i want. but i suppose it would be stupid to write about it. let me tell you something, its the 1990s, alright? a man has to have choices. a man has to have a little variety. what do you mean 'variety'? hostages? you wanna fuck some other women now?? why'd you pick me up? why'd you take me out of my house and kill my parents with me? ain't you COMMITTED to me?!? where are we fucking going?? relax, alright, just relax; i'm not some demon, i'm not your father.. i'm your lover. no, you're not my lover. you're not my fuckin lover. you been loving me? huh? you been loving me??? yeah, you've been lovin me real good. i still recall the taste of your tears. echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore scraping through my hands til i don't want to sleep anymore. you make it all go away. you make this all go away. i'm down to just one thing and i'm starting to scare myself. fuck. i just want something i can never have. i suppose it makes sense that i feel some sort of loss. otherwise i guess i wouldn't even be human. but why do i carry some things with me in my head? i guess because.. because i loved. and i lost. though lovers be lost, love shall not. and death shall have no dominion. i just want some peace.
okay. first of all; the show was amazing and i had a fucking fantastic time... up until Valentines day when i slammed 4 shots of tequila within 20 minutes of arriving (cold and nerves) and the last day; which went really good until around midnight when my stupid... well, nevermind. suffice to say, on the last day i wore all white and a lil white tutu and after going to the restroom i realized i couldn't stay another two hours. i was lucky that my little tutu didn't get all bloody. that would have been so not hot. =/ but i had fun fun fun dancing in a cage!! i have never ever done that before!! and the SGs i got to meet were awesome, and hanging out with Martin and Mr. Kroll the first two days was... an experience. most definitely. and i got to see a couple of people i know that i havent seen in ages... and Suri and Annisa are the sheeeit.. i wish Suri lived in MI, but that's just selfish. i am REALLY glad Annisa lives here and Vivid and Roza... and we need to have a sort of Havana HERE too. thats what i say. besides the Dirty Show, i found out a couple of days ago that i was one of the SGs chosen to represent in the Peta2 Ink Not Mink campaign; which means i think that my picture and my paragraph about why i feel the way i do about animals will be hanging in the Roxy in LA on the 27th. Vivid and Ginary and Fatality and Rigel and Bully and Sash and all these amazing women were picked... i think it took me several days to really grasp the idea. it would be so amazing if i could fly out there for a few days and see it...! or just fly out there period and never come back!! hmm...
