For my twinkletoes
Current mood: frustrated

I don't know how to save you. There isn't much more I could possibly do. You are a person and I can try and try and try to wake you up but in the end you will be the one to wake up yourself. Ever since you left again all I do is worry. I've been nauseous since the second you walked out my front door. There is nothing in my life that I have experienced more frustrating than watching you slowly waste away. Sometimes I don't know If he's just going to kill you one day. Not that thats not what he is already doing but slowly. This week I completely cracked. It was for the best, Im sure. But the things that partly caused it are things that should not be happening. You don't deserve this. I want to do unspeakable things to him for doing this to you. It's angered me for years but this is the breaking point. Seeing you happy and even without words, being obvious that it was the only happy time you've had in years pains me like none other. No one should have to live like this and you are too intelligent to put up with it. You know what to do. You know how to get out of it but you're scared. Either that or you care about him which is an idea that I could never in a million years wrap my brain around. Your willing to potentially throw your life away for this excuse for a man's well being. I know you know what to do and you need to have the courage to do it.
Im not watching you wreck your life anymore.
I feel like you are trapped in a hole in the ground like in Silence of the Lambs and you've climbed out for a second and tasted freedom and suddenly you've been pushed back down into the hole and your almost reaching up to climb out but you wont grab a hold of anything to hoist yourself up. I can stand at the edge of the ground above and tell you how to climb out and I can reach my arm down for you to grab it forever but you are too far down for me or anyone to reach you and pull you up. And there is no way I can go down there and carry you out on my back. But you know that the second you grab ahold of something I'll still fucking be there up at the edge of the ground to help pull you out.

Currently listening : Yes, Virginia... By The Dresden Dolls Release date: 2006-04-18

4:20 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Contempt

This is kind of silly I guess. In a broad aspect, things are fine, really. Actually they are pretty freaking great. But every once and awhile I get that sense of impending doom. Thats what my dad uses to describe my feelings pre-freakout. Lately I feel it for some reason usually relating to money, my job, future..and then it goes away, which is a good thing.

Today I have an overwhelming feeling of rage. Its over something that should really not be making me feel so much contempt, but it just does and theres really nothing I can do about it. It's not easy to control your emotions ALL the time. I know it's because I dont know how I lets this get so far and end up so awful. It's not that I enjoy constantly carrying around this huge weight of contempt in my chest. Like a time bomb, set off by little unexpected triggers that send me into this trance of staring blankly and expressionless with a tightly clenched jaw. I get this numb tingling sensation In my fingertips that shoots up my arms and to my whole body. I know how silly it is to let these things get to me like this. It's just when I hear things through the grape vine and they dont make any sense to me because there is just no need for it. Im not one for confrontation, plus the whole situation is incredibly juvenile, therefore I try my best to be completely removed from it, but nobody is perfectly stable and yes it effects me.

I just dont understand why it's happening or should I say happened...again.

8:17 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

ooooohhhh noooooo

AHHH god I cant even move!!!!!
I feel absolutely horrible. It seems that I've run myself ragged, burned the candle at both ends,have been drinking too much and not sleeping or eating properly in over a week.
All that fun stuff.
I didn't make it to the theatre tonight because I was in desperate need of a decent meal and some rest and mainly to do some housework, but I sat on my bed for a moment and now it seems that I cannot move!
I guess these things can wait until friday when Im not this tired. It's not like Im expecting any guests within the next day or so. I guess I can deal with my couch covered in pots and pans, my coffee table covered with glasses and the floor area in front of my bed crowded with brown paper bags filled with kitchen and bathroom supplies.
Poo.
Im even too delirious and weird to play herd a word! I cant use my brain. Today I found myself wandering around the boutique locking and unlocking doors. I eventually realized that there was absolutely no reason for me to be doing this. So I shook my head and walked away, thoroughly confused.
Everything is all buzzy and weird and making me nauseous. This is not fair, I have too much to do, I am not supposed to get sick! Or go out of my mind or whatever is happening to me at the moment. I should really just forget all of these priorities for tonight and go to sleep early.

10:39 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Good Things! (rubs ear)

Im sitting in my bed drinking a nice cup of instant coffee and watching my newly purchased copy of Gozu feeling like I've sighed and giant sigh of relief.

Things are good. The stress is subsiding. I still have tons to do but everything is coming along nicely and more quickly than expected.
Almost done painting and unpacking. I really like the new apartment. Even though Its a bit smaller, it really feels like a home rather than some sort of chaotic dorm. I absolutely love it here so far. Im definitely better off in my current situation. Its much much closer to work, too which is fantastic. Tonight Mikki is coming over to catch a flick and a nice sleep over. Tomorrow we will hunt for new outfits for friday.

Had a great weekend. Lots of two buck Chuck and breaking in the new apartment. So far there's only been ONE broken glass and it wasn't even me who broke it! All I eat lately is tuna, it's very strange.

8:06 PM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

some thoughts
Current mood: stressed

I discovered the internet.

What's new? Hmmmm. Packing packing packing, obsessing obsessing obsessing over couch cushion, to cable or not to cable, furniture arrangements, houseware I need to buy, paint swatches (still).

Im almost there. I think once Im in the new place everything will feel alittle less crazy (hopefully). Im probably gonna do some more packing tonight and move out fully tomorrow.

blahhhh. I cant wait for this to all be over!!

3:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Couch, Wall Colors, moving, real intresting stuff..

Ladies and Gentleman, meet my new couch..

Couch, meet ...ladies and gentlemen

So Here's a new chapter, once again. Im moving in two weeks, Olympic and La brea, basically. I really like the place. Its small, but good for just me. Im kind of a loner like that anyway.Its on the pricey side, but I think things will go well. Ive just been madly obsessing over paint swatches lately.

On friday I am off to new york for the weekend. Not as long as Id like, but better than nothing.

Ive been beyond stressed with moving and all. Especially cause were short staffed at work right now so there is no way Im getting off to move. I was seconds away from not even making it to New York. But my lovely and fantastic coworker, Mindy saved the day.

Ive been on the up and down about pretty much eerything lately. Especially moving, my job, finances. Ive been stuck in the boutique since the boutique girl quit, which sucks. Mainly because Im wasting away down there. I get nothing out of it. Yes it is nice bcause I hate dealing with people, but that is one of the reasons why I needed reception experience. To learn to deal with people better. Working the front desk fucking sucks, but atleast Im learning alot. Id rather be learning and stressed, than mellow and braindead. I just sit there all fucking day staring out the window, or at the wall, or at the display case. I write sometimes, or read, but if I get caught again, Im canned. The day Jose walked in on me reading a book will forever scare me from attempting that again. Right after he caught me, he noticed some sort of crack in one of the display cases and yelled "WHAT IS THIS CRACK DOING HERE? You did not notice this crack!!??? WHEN did this happen? Well you were too busy reading that you werent paying attention! Someone could have come in here and ANYTHING could have happened and YOU wouldnt have noticed because YOU were reading a book!!!!"

Fuckin bullshit, NO ONE COMES IN THERE. I make like 3 sales a day and thats on a busy day! And they're usually phone orders. Comission is cool and all but if I wanted to be a fucking sales girl I'd be working at MAC or Sephora.

Ive just been trying to turn the situation into a comission mission. If I made enough extra then atleast it will be alittle bit worth it.

Point is, I need to learn how to stand up to my boss and get myself back up to the front desk before Im down there long enough that I start talking to myself, because I am reaching that point. I am on the verge. Yes I am.

I musnt forget to mention that the past weekend was a great one. Ive made a nice new friend that I hung out with and had a nice sunday with Yelena, and those tall men. Had one of the best omelettes In existance, some mid day cocktails, got pretty drunk. Melted at echo park for a while, had a water fight, cooled down at the pier. Somehow got talked into going on the dragon ride. It was fun but ultimately terrifying. I almost vomited in mid air which could not have ended well especially if it was while my side of this dragon was on top in the swinging process. Alot of people would have disliked me.  We had dinner at cha cha chicken and then I had a spontanious 2 AM slumber party with Mik. And then again the next night wich was even better cause we shared a nice glass of Cognac,watched Friends and then had a nice conversation. Mackle is the Window Shopper. I am Genghis Khunt.

Tonight Yelena and I went to see Jewish Luck.Quite enjoyable night. We chatted with Hadrian and "Blake". Hadrian yelled at "Bag Man". It was funny.

Oh! one last important note: Did anyone else see Isidro on some MTV show called Rob And Big???

cause Honey did!!!!

One more thing:

Who wants to help me move and/or paint? Painting takes play May 1st, moving/packing April 30th and May 2nd

pretty much that whole week packing. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated! Ill get ya some beer, a pack of smokes, a hug? anyone?

1:29 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

may I have this [vico]dance?
Current mood: frustrated

goddamn tendont damage.

So about a month ago I fell down (like a big retard) and hurt my ankle tremendously and made the mistake of doing absolutely nothing about it. I figured that despite the fact that it consistantly hurt this entire time that it was fine and heal on it’s own.

apparently not

Thursday while picking up some subway on my lunch break and talking on the phone with Stephanie, my ankle gave out while walking down the street! I thought it was fine even though the pain was nearly vomit inducing so I tried walking, but I couldnt!

So I hobbled over to a potted plant to sit down and noticed that it was starting to swell....alot.

Long story short, I ended up in the ER and now I have to walk on crutches!

I seriously cant fucking walk, it fucking sucks! I can barely even work. And to make matters worse they forgot to give me my perscription for pain meds so I’m just sitting here with my now gigantic foot. (used to be just the ankle, now its my whole foot.) and my entire body hurts too from walking on these stupid crutches. I never realized that using crutches makes you feel like you’ve been hit by a train.

Being on crutches attracts the most ackward attention, too. I dont even want to leave the house anymore! I was hobbling down the street with Honey and a street performer playing guitar and singing to Elenor Rigby, suddenly switched to a song about "the girl hobbling down the street on her crutches". I cant even hold my own purse. This whole thing is very frustrating. I basically cannot go anywhere alone for the next two weeks!

And I hurt.

Anyone got any vicodin?

Currently watching : The Wizard of Oz

3:54 PM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Michael Bay is a fucking cock

WHY MUST YOU KEEP BUTCHERING THESE CLASSIC HORROR FILMS???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

lets put his shitty work like transformers aside for a second..i’ll get to that later.

lets talk about the fact that this man is considered a credible filmmaker though he doesent seem to have an original idea in his head! ..............Amityville Horror Chainsaw Massacre, and then Texas Chansaw Massacre (the beginning), The Hitcher...now i hear he’s working on Friday The 13th, The Birds, Nightmare On Elm Street, ROSEMARY’S BABY!?????? I’m terribly sorry, but no, I am not ok with any of this.

WHAT THE HELL

that makes me so fucking angry. why? why cant he make his own movies????

then there are more unoriginal ideas such as transformers, and pearl harbor. Ideas based on pre-existing things! then there are a bunch of shitty looking things he’s done, later milking it for a shitty sequel like bad boys. I’m not gonna lie...I have not watched a single one of his films all the way through..ok maybe that makes my opinion invalid in some minds, but I disagree.

who is this excuse for a man and why is he allowed to do this????

HE MUST BE STOPPED

along with everyone else today...Where has the beauty of originality in filmmaking gone? All they do these days is make films based on old tv shows, books, asian cinema, classic horror, and pre existing films in general! And they’re not even good! they butcher these wonderful pre existing ideas! every fucking movie that comes out lately. Just leave it alone! It was already great once, why try to rip it off? I mean, book films dont bother me as much...those are fine...it’s just the principal of the thing.

CREATE YOUR OWN IDEAS...its more satisfying that way

In other news...Today I got to interact with Tom Sellek and have lunch at Nate and Al’s next to an Oleson twin.

oh, Beverly Hills

10:56 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

epiphany? enlightenment? ...nervous breakdown?
Current mood: intense

If it was not already obvious, ive been slightly miserable lately.
Ive been feeling like im on the wrong path.
What Ive been doing sounds perfect but Ive been feeling stuck.
Ive been feeling like i need to keep working nearly full time , but that im slacking off in school and im only in three classes this semester. ive been thinking i need to be backin school more often and work less,but that i cant work less for all these other reasons...All the while in cosmetology school and working in a salon sounds perfect except for the fact that i dont even want to be a hairstylist! Ive just been telling myself that this is all somehow leading me through networking and such to what i really want to do..SFX makeup and prosthetics.
though all i REALLY want to do when i think about my current situation is bury my head and run away.

My point is this:
Since i started cosmetology school six months ago this question has been in my mind. Is this what i need to do to get where im going? or is it something else. I know that what ive been doing couldnt hurt a resume but am i wasting time i could be using to get where im going even faster. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A STYLIST IN A SALON. When i talk about wanting to, im completely fooling myself, only because the path to get there is so structured and simple.

Basically, tonight i had a conversation with a woman in my skincare class that ive been wanting to speak to for weeks. Shes an SFX make up artist. I told her thats what i want to do, but especially prosthetics. to make a long story, not quite as long, she told me in so many words that im wasting my time in school. She said that CGI is taking over for SFX artists and ruining the industry..but make up artists who do prosthetics have a leg up...computers havent ruined those careers yet.
I need to be interning for production companies and for other make up artists. I need to be interning! She gave me a bunch of phone numbers and said to use her and her husbands names as references.
and if i want to go to school i should be at mudd or joe blasco!
Which was my original plan, i just thought cosmetology would be just as useful, if not more useful..but apparently not. It wont help me get into the union. hair knowlage is good to have but it's totally secondary. I can come back and finish cosmetology, if i decide to do this.

ps: please excuse my not making much sense/spelling errors/lack of punctuation

Tonight after I got out of class and finished talking to this woman i practically flew my bicycle to my mothers house to do research online, nearly crashing into a few curbs, I went insane..I couldnt even feel going uphill, the adrenaline was getting me all crazy.
Ive been feeling like somethings missing...like i should be feeling like im on the right track but that something was wrong. I knew i was missing something but i thought it was like stability, love or something....I think it was more complicated than that. Something totally hidden that i believe i have finally uncovered.

12:40 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s tough, being a bedpan snatcher, among other things
Current mood: frustrated

Dont you ever just want to pick up and leave?

start fresh?

not like things are particuluarly bad, or anything.

A lot of it is that my job is starting to get the best of me. Being treated like your worthless every single day unfortunately starts to take a toll on you eventually. I didnt realize it would effect me like this. I havent had self confidence issues in years.

It took alot of over anilyzing but I understand why, now. It really sucks.

People dont seem to understand that we're all human and we should all be treated with a little respect.

There's that, and theres that other situation...when friendships a awry...again...not treated with respect...I got a good old fashioned juvenile badmouthing

Thats my own fault though..Im really talented at placing myself in situations that are bound to self destruct

I find myself getting alittle lonely sometimes too wich is weird because I love being alone. So I'm kind of contradicting myself, but it makes sense to me.

Ive been going after a really unrealistic situaton

I dont really even know the guy, but Im beyond intrigued, and I dont get like that very often these days considering the fact that I dont like most people.

I dont know

I havent REALLY made a move, but I kind of have and ...nothing..and that took alot of courage! Its hard to make a move on someone when you have no idea how they will react. Maybe I wasnt clear enough? but I think I was. I should just accept the fact that maybe I cant always get my way. You win some you lose some. Im sure my friends are tired of this rant, but im still really frustrated! When I get my head set on something and it doesent go the way I want it's aggrivating.                            

Where the hell are you supposed to meet new people? I hate meeting new people.

Listen to me, I'm ridiculous, I'm gonna shut up now.           

It's tough being a bedpan snatcher

Currently listening : Parallel Lines By Blondie Release date: 11 September, 2001

3:56 PM - 7 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment