oh, how He loves us so
Category: Life

So, I feel like I desperately owe many people an update...or maybe it's just been that my life has been so busy recently, that I've needed to get everything down so I can see where I am.  My current profile picture is from a mission trip I took in the first week of May, with a group from my church to Honduras.  It's the first time I've ever been to a predominantly non-English speaking country, so communication was of course an issue.  Thankfully though, I didn't say or do anything particularly stupid (and if I did, the translators never told me).  Anyway, it was an amazing experience, I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I'm excited to see if I get an opportunity to go again next year.  It was nice to see people being able to work alongside one another, and to actually make time to DO the Word after seeing and hearing so much.  So, I got back a couple of weeks ago from that, and last week, I was confirmed by the church to be the new summer intern for the youth group...so basically I'll be doing youth pastor work is the simplest description of it, including leading VBX (vacation bible school for middle schoolers) and doing weekly bible study stuff for middle & high schoolers, etc.  So the teaching parts make me a little nervous, but it's been fun so far.   On top of that I'm still doing the RadioShack work, but thankfully I've been able to take off a lot this summer to serve in these other areas.

Oh, and there's Alison.  She's beautiful, awesome, and just an overall blessing to me.  Anything else would be all emotionally gooey and bragging, and it annoys me when I read people's blogs and have to put up with that crap, so I'm just gonna stop here.  If you wanna know more, just ask me.

So, all of this added up, it's put me in a weird place this weekend, on the 1 year anniversary of Dad's death.  For everything I felt I had taken away from me, for all the things I thought were dead and gone forever, for every part of me I thought I couldn't recover...things right now feel better for me than they've ever been.  And to be honest, I don't really know how to process all that.  I wanted to be sad and mope and miss my Dad this weekend...and I definitely still miss him, just as much as I did when he left...but I can't make myself sad.  It's just not there right now.  And it's a strange sensation to experience, let me say.  And for a couple of you, it's been a humbling compliment to receive, when I try to explain this, only to hear you saying I deserve this good in my life right now. 

Life is good.  I can say that today.   Thank you.

And yes, I'm watching the WWE Royal Rumble box set.  Some things don't change, people.

Currently watching : WWE - Royal Rumble, The Complete Anthology Release date: 13 March, 2007

6:45 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Rick Warren and Purpose-Driven Strife

from ABC's Nightline

So the debate goes on: Is the purpose-driven method simplifying Christianity in exchange for church growth? The founder of the movement says the conflicts and divisions are inevitable costs.

"You know, I wouldn't intentionally want to cause pain to any person or to anyone," Warren said. "Am I willing to put up with pain so the people [that] Jesus Christ died for can come to know him? Absolutely."

Warren said that if some churches may suffer as a result of applying some of those principles, then "that's the price."

"Every church has to make the decision. … Is it going to live for itself, or is it going to live for the world that Jesus died for?"

When asked if he thinks that some of these splits are actually because Christians themselves are indulgent and refusing to change, Warren said, "Oh, without a doubt."

And when asked if he blames them, he replied, "I do blame them."

The exchange given here really disturbs me.  I agree that all "mega-churches" aren't the same, and maybe even the template set here works in the church from which the template ORIGINATED, but the idea that we should all jump on a bandwagon that has produced "numbers" brings me great skepticism. For everything I always hear about how great churches are doing, and how astronomical their attendance is, I can never wrap my head around the idea that "wide is the path" that leads to destruction and "narrow is the way" that ultimately results in Heaven...I mean, if we're all doing such good church-business, what's the give?  And that's an amazingly broad question with way too many details to factor in on such a thing.  It reminds me of something similar to what Derek Webb stated one time...which I can't remember the specifics of, but the idea remains the same....if SO many people are being drawn in with what is essentially a formula, is it the Gospel we are really preaching to them?  Obviously not, in a few cases where some churches were spotlighted for their "power of positive thinking" sermons and steering clear of all things confrontational or regarding sin.   Warren wants to be biblical AND relevant, which I suppose is fine, but doesn't that carry with it certain temptations to be one more than the other?  Or is something biblical being sacrificed for the sake of relevance?

But most importantly, I have trouble with any pastor who seems to compromise the unity of his flock for higher numbers.  He was quoted as saying that's "the price you pay".  The price FOR WHAT?  Old people for young people?  Embittered and alienated longtime members for fresh and mentally-moldable newer members?   To cap it all off that he blames the members for the splits (in his defense, I suppose there's a chance he was reacting to the nature of the question asking about SOME of the splits, not all of them)...saying they are "indulgent" and unwilling to change.  Maybe I've been watching too much American Idol, but that comes off pretty Simon Cowell-ish, except without the credibility to back it up.  And it's an awfully ironic thing to say that it is the existing members' fault for their "unwillingness to change" when he seems pretty uncompromising himself on his own style.

Churches are not about "this is what we're going to do, and if you don't like it, get out of the way".  You don't kill a sheep or leave it behind when you're going a certain direction in the field and it stands still.  You bring it along.

Unity of the body is more important than numbers.  There, I said it.  A unified body, loving God and loving one another will attract people on its own.  The music being played doesn't make me love people better, and nor does positive reinforcement of "being my best self". If anything, if there's something keeping me from loving God and loving my neighbor from the way I need to be...then I need to be confronted (in a manner of speaking) with what that is, so I can look it in the face and deal with it.  It's an ugly sight sometimes, but if dealt with, I am better for it.

I'm doing a bible study based on the premise of living life as a story.  I feel like these guys want to jump from the first chapter to the last chapter.  A story without conflict, without struggle, without redemption & resolution, is not a story worth telling.

And there's no redemption to be found if there's nothing to be convicted about.

Currently watching : Hoodwinked (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 02 May, 2006

1:42 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

the harder i try, the more clearly can i feel the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all
Current mood: contemplative

I wonder...

Do we really ever "beat" the things we struggle with in life? Or is that just the essence of the struggle, the fact that we win some / lose some until we die?  And just try to make the best fight of it that we can, with our hearts & perspective toward the struggle being what really counts, not the visible result..

Is it really less about whether we win or lose, but how we play the game?

Is it less about what results I produce, and more about my heart?  Is it really? It doesn't feel like it much of the time.

I listen to this song (Wholly Yours, by David Crowder*Band) and it's songs like this  ("...a certain sign of grace is this, from the broken earth, flowers come up pushing through the dirt..")....that when I find myself believing "easier" that I rejoice in this idea, and when I'm struggling to believe, I desperately want it to be true...that God, not only can, but does take broken and dirty things and makes them new again...and not that He stopped doing it at the end of Revelation, but that He continues to do so.   And when we dirty up what He has made clean, He can purify us again.  And again.  And again.   I'll never comprehend the lengths and depths of that kind of devotion or patience.  We're all pretty much raised to cut off someone of they're not making use of our charity....oh how fortunate they must be to recieve OUR grace, right?....and when we see that they take our money, or our friendship or compassion or whatever it is we have to offer, and don't turn into what we want...well, that's it.  We're just wasting our time.  My soul trembles in gratitude that God doesn't just decide to cut us off like that, because we certainly screw Him over more than anyone ever has to us.  I'd be making a safe bet in my own mind to say that I've never gone a day without doing that. 

I get like this sometimes.  I think there's no amount of grace that can fully cover me, because I'll squander it by the end of the day and will continue to do so until I die.  I may have good moments in between, but I get stuck under the impression that the moments where my heart is true won't matter in the light of my constant tripping and stumbling right into eternity.   And in my weaker times like this, I just pray that grace proves me wrong.....terribly wrong.

Currently listening : A Collision By David Crowder Band Release date: 27 September, 2005

4:53 PM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Something of a game...
Current mood: exhausted

...I borrowed this from Alison, though I really have no intention of giving it back.

Comment with your name and I will ....

1. Respond with something random that I know about you.

2. I will tell you what song or movie or celebrity reminds me of you.

3. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.

4. I will tell you my first/clearest memory of you.

5. I will tell you what your name would be if you were the opposite gender.

6. I will ask you something that I have always wondered about you.

7. If I do this for you, you must repost this in your journal!!!

Currently listening : A Collision By David Crowder Band Release date: 27 September, 2005

8:13 AM - 11 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

A Scanner Darkly...and a scattered thinkings
Current mood: awake

So this movie...very good.  Minor and/or major, and/or vague spoilers abounding in the forthcoming analogy I'm trying to make.

So, after many twists and turns in this film, the basic premise seems to be that the main character, who thinks he is an undercover narcotics agent (who isn't sure whether he's addicted to a particular substance or not, given the nature of said substance and its effect on the brain), is revealed by his superiors to be a discarded pawn, used to rat out a paranoid, more dangerous dealer/potential terrorist threat.  The main character is then shipped off to a somewhat frightening detox facility, that the paranoid addicts have been theorizing over (off and on) over the course of the film...where what little brain activity he hasn't fried from substance abused is basically wiped clean, and he starts over...only for the viewer to discover that the detox facility itself is the agency who harvests and distributes said substance, and the main character was meant to think he was just a pawn, when his superiors were actually relying on him to break past his post-detox semi-brainwashing, to gather evidence against the facility.

Which has led me to a wild series of thoughts, one after another while I lay restless in bed, many I've already forgotten during the process of waiting for my computer to boot up.  First...and I don't even know how this is going to end up, so be forewarned for confusion, as is the usual with my ranting.  Is this not how we are used sometimes by God, or rather, how it appears?  A greater purpose may be in mind the entire time, one we perhaps couldn't fathom from the outset, (or maybe would reject if we'd known?) so we aren't revealed all the details ahead of time.  We're allowed to think that we're being punished for certain things, or that purposes we've come to hold steady to, really didn't mean all that much in the first place...only to find out that they really DID.  I remember seeing the last scene in the film, where the main character, about as much of a shell of his former self as he can be, picks up on a detective instinct in finding a piece of evidence, telling himself he must show this to his friends when he gets a chance...makes me wonder if that's how we can be, or are intended, when we are made new.  The greater bulk of worldliness that previously defines us is or should be swept away, leaving us with a renewed purpose, and a few unique individual traits remain...same tools, new focus, I guess.

Which leads me...or doesn't, but my brain went there anyway...to the next part: the substance.  I get so frustrated that as a person I'm always having to fulfill an ever-emptying void...and I don't mean that as if to say I don't have Christ in my life, because in all honesty, I've got to put Him in there everyday just like anything else.  Which is where substance...and when I say "substance" (for those of you who know me and are raising an eyebrow at this moment), I pretty much mean anything ultimately UNfulfilling.  We somehow come across something that will temporarily get us from Moment A to Moment B, and it hooks us.  We'll compare ourselves to people who are more dependent on substance than us, and so we look better, and it's easier to justify the amount of times we use it to fill our voids.  This grows and grows as you naturally build a resistance to the usual amount you're using, to the point where one night you find yourself not being able to fall asleep at night until you've fulfilled yourself.  And all for what?  An action, that is not only a sensory fulfillment, but simply a metaphorical admission, that this substance owns you.  One quick action, and it's over...but it's like a fight (a UFC fight, for my analogy's sake)...it won't take long, but once it takes hold of you, the easy thing to do is tap out and be done with it, though you live with the shame of knowing it owns you...until you can fight back and own it.  And what sucks about being caught in the hold and not wanting to tap out to it....well, it feels like you're in a submission hold but you refuse to tap.  It hurts like crap.  

But apparently, that's the only way you get to be a better fighter.  Not tapping out, and learning how to counter the hold.

If you're nearby, and you spent/wasted however many minutes reading this entire thing, and it actually meant something coherent to you, I'll do something nice for you.

Thanks for putting up with me.

-stephen

Currently watching : A Scanner Darkly (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 19 December, 2006

10:25 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

ashes and flames
Current mood: drained

thanks to my brother for emailing me the lyrics to this song.

also, it's my profile song right now, so go visit JMM's page, because he's really good.

-Ashes and Flames-
John Mark McMillan

you and i meet
on the shores of the broken
you swallow the ocean
i swallow my pride
only to see
the way that i need you
is more than i knew that i ever could

in between the ashes and the flames
is a cry an awkward silence could never contain
and the falling of my hammers and the writhing of my pain
you know they're just not as real as the way that you're calling my name

i can't help thinking
the way that you want me
and the ghost that haunts me are one in the same
cause you stand at my window
at night while i'm sleepin'
it's not a promise i'm keepin' i could ever repay you

in between the ashes and the flames
is a song that burns brighter than the radio waves
'bout the remnants of my idols, 'bout the shadow of my shame, 'bout how they scatter like the rain
i can't stop cryin' cause you won't stop callin' my name

...up from the ashes.

Currently listening : Song Inside the Sounds of Breaking Down By John Mark Mcmillan Release date: 29 November, 2005

7:43 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

In God We Trust (not a cheesy forward, I promise)
Current mood: discontent

Hearing this song today, it got me thinking a little deeper than usual about faith & trust and that whole thing.  This will all seem pretty obvious I guess, but I'm the kinda guy who has to re-discover the obvious every once in a while.  We can say we have faith, and trust God all we want, but I think it can show better than others when we go against our own will and better judgment to trust God anyway, even though it seems rather clear that "He's not making sense".  I read somewhere recently about someone who was described (as a weakness) as "the type of guy who would freak out at what happens to his character in chapter 1 instead of reading the entire book".  That happens with me a lot.  Anyway, lyrics.

"In God We Trust"
-Derek Webb

In God we trust, and the government is on His shoulders
In God we trust, through democracy and tyranny alike
In God we trust, He uses both good and evil men

In God we trust, so we fight for peace and He fights for us
In God we trust, even when He fights us for someone else
In God we trust, even when He looks like the enemy

In God we trust, even though our hearts are bankrupt
In God we trust, for more than just the value of our dollar bills
In God we trust, though there's no gold behind these notes of reserve

In God we trust, even through our great presumption
In God we trust, even though He favors no nation-state
In God we trust, even when the blessing is a curse

Currently listening : Mockingbird By Derek Webb Release date: 27 December, 2005

11:03 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mock God all you want, just don't advocate Him, kids.
Current mood: annoyed

from MSN :

Talking Veggies Stir Up Religious Controversy

Sep 22, 5:39 PM EST
The Associated Press

LOS ANGELES -- Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber always had a moral message in their long-running "VeggieTales" video series. But now that the vegetable stars have hit network television, they can't speak as freely as they once did, and that's got the Parents Television Council steamed.

The conservative media-watchdog group issued a statement Wednesday blasting NBC, which airs "VeggieTales," for editing out some references to God from the children's animated show.

"What struck me and continues to strike me is the inanity of ripping the heart and soul out of a successful product and not thinking that there will be consequences to it," said L. Brent Bozell, president of the Parents Television Council. "The series is successful because of its biblical world view, not in spite of it. That's the signature to `VeggieTales.'"

"VeggieTales" is a collection of animated home videos for children that encourage moral behavior based on Christian and biblical principles. More than 50 million copies have been sold since 1993, according to Big Idea Inc., which produces the series.

Two weeks ago, NBC began airing 30-minute episodes of "VeggieTales" on Saturday mornings. The show was edited to comply with the network's broadcast standards, said NBC spokeswoman Rebecca Marks.

"Our goal is to reach as broad an audience as possible with these positive messages while being careful not to advocate any one religious point of view," she said.

"VeggieTales" creator Phil Vischer, who was responsible for readying episodes for network broadcast, said he didn't know until just weeks before the shows were to begin airing that non-historical references to God and the Bible would have to be removed.

Had he known how much he'd have to change the show — including Bob and Larry's tagline, "Remember kids, God made you special and he loves you very much," that concludes each episode — Vischer said he wouldn't have signed on for the network deal.

"I would have declined partly because I knew a lot of fans would feel like it was a sellout or it was done for money," he said, adding that "there weren't enough shows that could work well without those (religious) references."

All programs set to air on NBC must meet the network's broadcast standards, said Alan Wurtzel, a broadcast standards executive.

"VeggieTales" was treated the same as any other program, he said.

"There's a fine line of universally accepted religious values," he said. "We don't get too specific with any particular religious doctrine or any particular religious denomination."

Vischer said he understands the network's position.

"`VeggieTales is religious, NBC is not," he said. "I want to focus people more on `Isn't it cool that Bob and Larry are on television.'"

Marks said the network is "committed to the positive messages and universal values" of the show and expects "VeggieTales" to continue airing.

But Bozell isn't satisfied.

"If NBC is so concerned about that four-letter-word God, then they shouldn't have taken `VeggieTales'," he said. "This just documents the disconnect between Hollywood and the real world."

------------------------

and yet, NBC (while now it seems they are "still deciding" on the following issue)  seems to be okay with Madonna's disco-crucifixion .

Currently watching : The Truman Show (Special Edition) Release date: 23 August, 2005

1:35 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Revival and Worship...something my mother shared with me tonight...

from reviveourhearts.com

Revival and Worship

Series: We Need Revival! An Interview with Dr. Henry Blackaby

Leslie Basham: Heres Dr. Henry Blackaby. 

Dr. Henry Blackaby:   Worship for Gods people is their lifeline because their relationship to God is absolutely vital and worship is an encounter with God where God has an opportunity to adjust us back to him.   

Leslie:   This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss for Thursday, July 20th.  This week Henry Blackaby has been talking about two concepts that go together, revival and repentance.   

Theres something else that follows revivalworship.  Heres Nancy to pick up the conversation.   

Nancy Leigh DeMoss:  Dr. Blackaby, we hear a lot about worship these days, worship styles, worship music, worship services.  You mentioned yesterday that if were not careful well find that we arent worshiping the God of the Bible.   

Talk some about that especially in the context of revival. 

Dr. Blackaby:  A lost person cannot worship.  Worship is the exclusive prerogative of Gods people.   

Nancy:  But were trying to make our worship services palatable to lost people.   

Dr. Blackaby:  Were trying to make them evangelistic, and if you make all the worship service evangelistic, then Gods people dont worship.  When Gods people dont worship, they die spiritually.   

We assume because were preaching the gospel, at least someone is being saved, and Id say thats not the key.    

The last part of the Great Commission is teach them to practice everything that I have commanded (see Matthew 28:18-20).  I believe that was the heart of Gods plan to redeem a world. 

When you entered into a relationship with Jesus Christ, you entered a covenant where He is Lord, and youre not.  You make a covenant that everything that He commands, youre going to do.  We enter into a covenant before a holy God.  But we dont want to make any demands of people. 

Nancy:  We dont want the word obligations.   

Dr. Blackaby:  No surrender.  We dont talk about surrender to the Lordship of Christ at all.  Its not friendly.  So what were doing is were far most interested in how people respond to what were doing than how God responds to what were doing.   

Were so focused on evangelism that the people of God are dying spiritually.  Worship is designed for Gods people to have an encounter with the holiness of God to get their lives adjusted.   

But many, many, many churches are turning their worship services into evangelistic services. When you turn the service into an evangelistic service, Gods people dont worship.  And when Gods people dont worship, they die spiritually.   

Worship for Gods people is their lifeline because their relationship to God is absolutely vital. Worship is an encounter with God where God has an opportunity to adjust us back to Him.   

Weve been out there all week long and the world has affected us.  Now we come to worship and the songs, for instance, that I hear people sing, theyre not theologically correct.   

For instance, they love to sing Come Just As You Are.   

Nancy:  That sounds good enough. 

Dr. Blackaby:  It sounds good, and it makes people feel I can come before God just the way I am and He will accept me with all of my sin. I dont have to repent; I can just come as I am.  A lost person has to come just the way they are, but God has never permitted His people to come that way.   

He said, Who can ascend the hill of the Lord and who can stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart and who has not lifted up his soul to vanity or sworn deceitfully.  He shall receive the blessing of the Lord (Psalm 24:4-5, KJV).   

When they came to Mt. Sinai, God required three full days of cleansing.  They could not come just as they are.  As you look all the way through the Scripture, God is very conscious that when Gods people did come just the way they are, the worship was totally unacceptable to God. 

We have a song that makes people feel good, That On the Cross, Jesus Has You In His Mind.  Thats not true.  He came to do the will of the Father and was so immersed in doing the Fathers will, I believe the solitary concern on the heart of Jesus was the Father.   

Ive listened to a lot of songs being created by young adults who can play a guitar and write some music, but they have theology about a quarter of an inch deep.   

Therefore, theyre giving pop psychology to make Gods people feel good, to have a good time and to have fun in worship.  Gods people were not designed to have fun in worship.  It was a time of brokenness before the Lord.   

He dwells in the high and holy place and with him who is broken and contrite and humble in spirit.  So whats happening is Gods people have a huge sense of emptiness in their heart.  They know that they know about God, but they just dont know how to experience Him.   

Of all the places where they ought to come face to face with the holy God is in worship.   

If someone were to ask me, Henry, after 30 years of pastoring, what would you sense would be the most significant part of your ministry?  I wouldnt hesitate to answerworship.   

I took exceeding care that Gods people entered into the presence of God, heard from Him, made adjustments to God in repentance and brokenness, were helped by the body to incorporate that into a new lifestyle in their life. 

Nancy:  So youre defining worship not just as the music part of the service.   

Dr. Blackaby:  Often the music is the minor part of the worship service. When you change the words to become self-centered, then you have removed any sense that the songs can lead you to God.   

But I watch many of the songs, the new songs, and they have I and me and mine all they way through. 

Nancy:  Rather than being God-centered. 

Dr. Blackaby:  Without being God-centered.  Worship is exclusively a God-centered experience.  I would keep saying to people, If you can come and truly worship and go out the same way you came in, youve havent worshiped no matter what youve said, or what youve felt. 

Worship is not how you feel.  Its whether you met God and He transformed your life.  He exposed sin so that you dont live in that any longer and be denied what could be. 

He wants you.  Its like Him. Jesus announced, Repent for the kingdom of heaven is right next to you (Matthew 3:2, paraphrased). 

Every time I worship I say, Oh God, is there anything that I need to repent of?  Because to the degree which I keep sin in my life, to that degree, the kingdom of God is out.  Theres a direct correlation to the fullness in my life. He cannot fill my life where Ive kept part of my life in sin.  I just cant do that. 

Nancy:  Now somebody could hear your emphasis on repentance, brokenness, fear of the Lord, contrite heart, and could think, this sounds like a very negative, depressing way to live, and yet youre now talking about that being the way to fullness.   

Dr. Blackaby:  Always, Gods call to repentance is always accompanied by the whole kingdom of heaven right next to you.  Every time God called for repentance, He always announced that the full presence of God and all that God is capable of doing in a love relationship to His people is waiting to unfold and be experienced in your life. 

So to me, the call to repentance is the most positive word that God ever gave His people.   

Nancy:  Its the pathway to real joy that the church is looking for. 

Dr. Blackaby:  Its the opening of the door to the fullness of life that God intended.   

Nancy:  Were trying to find the fullness and the joy and the good feelings by taking short cuts around repentance, and yet you look at so many believers today who have the broken relationships, the frazzled lives, the depression, living on antidepressants, and theyre not finding the joy and the fullness. Youre really helping us to see that the pathway of holiness, the highway of holiness, the pathway of repentance is Gods way to experience the fullness He intended for us. 

Dr. Blackaby:  Yes, and Im constantly returning to the freshness of what I see in Isaiah 35 where He says, There is a highway of holiness and the unclean cannot walk on it (verse 8, paraphrased).  But He has preceded it by saying that God wants to make the desert flower again.  He wants to make the wasteland blossom like the rose, and he wants to give sight to the blind and a voice to the mute and to open the ears of the deaf, and to make the lame jump (see verses 1-6). 

When you look at that, its exactly what Jesus did.  But what was Jesus message?  Repent for the whole kingdom of heaven is right here.  Youre going in the wrong direction.  And what happened when they did repent?  When they listened to the life of Jesus?   

Why the blind saw, the deaf heard, the lame leapt, the hungry were fed.  I mean, the whole kingdom of God was unfolded, and thats exactly what God wants to do today.   

Nancy:  The end of that chapter in Isaiah talks about coming to Zion with singing, everlasting joy upon their heads, gladness and joy, sorrow and sighing should flee away (see verse 10).  We want the outcome without going down the pathway of holiness.   

Dr. Blackaby:  Unfortunately, theyre not being told.  The spiritual leaders are not giving them the Word that brings life.  Were trying to use the worlds psychology but not the biblical spirituality, and so were talking the way the world does.  But were not talking the way God does.

5:51 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Good grief, bad pun.
Current mood: restrained grieving

You always hear things, or are told things...and the understanding of said things are never really...I don't know, realized, until they're experienced, it seems.

Immediately after the initial shock of Dad's death hit, I was rushed into this new position in life, in my family.  I had no choice but to assume responsibilities here and there that I'd just kinda glossed over up until then.  It was during that time a lot of people told me "it never really goes away", and that "grief is a process, not an event", among other things.  I believed them, but at the same time, I don't think I'd really fully experienced it.

Well, I feel that I'm in the early stages of experiencing it.  I always joked that with popular things, such as music, trends, etc...I was always 3 months behind everyone...I guess it translates into other arenas now. 

I came to the realization this weekend that, since this event in my life, my heart is just, exhausted is the only way I know how to put it.  I probably haven't been a great friend in this time, or put forth the care and attention into certain areas of my life that I've needed to.  And even moreso, it's not that I haven't done some of these things, in terms of my heart, but I haven't had any real motivated desire to do so either.  My heart just won't allow me to produce good new friendships, relationships or things of that nature from scratch.  I seem (I think so, anyway) to be able to do okay with the relationships in my life that were already existing and thriving prior to all of this.  And maybe I shouldn't really expect to be able to just pick up and carry on and move forward so quickly with something like this.

Either way, I know now I'm going to carry this weight with me for awhile.  I'm just trying to do my best to be prepared for it.

Currently listening : Redemption Songs By Jars of Clay Release date: 22 March, 2005

7:08 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment