It’s over...
Current mood: crushed

I got about 2 hours of sleep after I got home from the hospital and updated you all....About a half hour after I left the hospital, Pacaw surprised us all and passed away after being in a deep sleep for awhile. The cancer didn't get a chance to go any further and cause him any more pain than he already had and he didn't have to go through that surgery he dreaded oh so much. I don't really know what to say except I'm happy for him that he isn't suffering and I'm very happy he went so peacefully.

I do regret not getting to say goodbye...I didn't even give him a kiss on the forehead before I left..I was so tired..I was so sure I'd see him later..alive. I know all the stuff bout "It's good he didn't suffer" and "Be happy he went peacefully" but dammit, I've known that man all my life and I'm gonna be upset, regardless what anyone says, or of the good points about it all. I'm already so tired of people trying to tell me how to look at things..I already know. I know how to look at it. I'm intelligent..but I have feelings and nothing's gonna stop how I feel or all the things running through my mind about him. He's the man that named me before I was even born. My parents thought I was gonna be a boy...but he kept singing my name to my mom's tummy whenever he was around....somehow he knew they were wrong...He's always been a huge part of a lot of people's lives and he will be so greatly missed. Things will never ever be the same at family functions....No more family dinners on Sundays with Pacaw's amazing meals...He was a WONDERFUL chef. He took so much pride in seeing us enjoy his food...He loved video and pc games....He was the biggest computer nerd I've ever known (Trevor and Uncle Randy come close in second). He was a gentleman and one of the most intelligent and successful people I may ever know...and most of all....he was one of the most LOVING people I will have ever known. This is gonna be harder than I thought...My head hurts...I'm gonna go....Thanks to all that supported us and and kept us in your thoughts. It's been greatly appreciated.

I'll keep those who want to know posted about the wake and funeral arrangements.

8:00 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Update on my Pacaw
Current mood: exhausted

For those who care to know...

I JUST got home from the hospital. Been up since 10am and I finally get to rest a bit..3am-ish. I was, how I say, "Pacaw sitting", while my aunt picked up my uncle from the airport. So, I got to make sure my grandpa was behaving and getting some sleep, being that he hasn't really gotten much with all the visitors and the pain in his back when the meds wear off  (then it's time to push the "happy button" to give him more pain killers).  Anyhow, we received disturbing news just recently. His cancer is a rare and terminal liver cancer that started in his pancreas..for some reason. It is said that with this type of cancer, most could live up to 6 months WITHOUT treatment. SO, we're going to see what can be done to prolong his life as much as possible, without making him miserable. Unfortunately, there is no treatment that can save him, only one that MIGHT help give him a little more time with us....at least we have that going for he and all of us...

He's going to be going into surgery later on today to begin repairing his spine and removing some of the cancer. They'll need to go through his chest to get to one side of his spine and then later on they'll be working on the other side of it. So at the moment we are hoping and praying he makes it through this surgery okay. Hopefully everything goes well and he'll be able to sit up and walk not long from now. I know laying there every day is driving him CRAZY! I really need to get some rest now, but I just wanted to fill in anyone that cares to know any details or updates. I'm busy as hell lately, but you're always welcome to give me a call or text...even if I'm unable to hang out much or at all...I'm still here for anyone that needs me.

Ciao for now..

Currently listening : Duty By Ayumi Hamasaki Release date: 2000-09-27

3:00 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ok, life, you were being real cute..now you’re just really pissing me off.
Current mood: Upset/Worried/Crushed/Tired of bad news

Just when I thought things might start getting a little better for me....

SO, the previous day I had was just plain awful. First off, it took me forever to fall asleep. I had to watch "The Devil's Rejects" to help me get even somewhat sleepy. Took me 'til about 7:30am to go to bed. Then for no apparent reason, I woke up at about 1pm and saw that I missed 2 phone calls, due to me sleeping and my phone being on vibrate. I also had a disturbing text message from my aunt who JUST flew into town the night before. It said she had bad news and needed to speak with me and my sister ASAP.

Cancer is, of course, NEVER predictable...and it's never predictable WHO will turn up having it. But god...I would've never EVER guessed my Pacaw (my mother's father) would end up having it. He's always been pretty healthy besides the heart issues he has. It ends up cancer has almost completely eaten through a few vertebrae in his lower middle back and he can no longer stand or sit. He has to lay down all the time 'til they decide what to do to keep from permanently damaging his spine, which of course in turn would paralyze him. Not only is that a problem, but he also has MORE tumors eating away at his pancreas and liver. I watched my Aunt Judy slowly die from cancer...I can't bear to watch it happen to another loved one. They don't deserve to go through so much pain...no loving person does. That man has been dedicated to worshiping God every day. Going to chapel daily, going to mass every Sunday, saying the rosary once if not twice a day...Preaching to everyone about his "good lord". I'd like to know this - What kind of fucked up god would bestow something like this upon such a good man??? Seriously now. And there you have one of my MANY reasons for being uninvolved with organized religion...Whoa..Sorry...I'll save that rant for a rainy day...
Moving on....For the first time in my life my Aunt Phyllis AND my tough Grandma both cried. Never in my life have I seen anything break either of them. Takes me back to when I first saw my dad cry. I never thought it was possible for anything to make him cry...'til mom said it was over...that broke him. It's weird and it makes things twice as hard to handle when you see people like them break down in any way and show that side of themselves. You know things are real bad when they show emotions like that...
I keep having spurts of crying and then I go back to normal..almost as if none of this is real. Like it's all just a bad dream..
It's like part of me is numb to all of this and the rest....the rest knows....the rest knows the time has come...time for me to face the music and accept that everyone has to go sooner than I'd prefer. I know we don't live forever. It's one of the things I always keep in mind and remind others of...Always cherish and love the people you have cause they can be gone at any moment. In fact, I could die tomorrow in a really stupid way..like choking on a grape or something. Something SO simple can change everything or ruin everything. Anyways, it hurts to think about the people you love dying someday...but god...nothing prepares you for how bad it feels...how bad it hurts....it hurts so bad....He doesn't deserve this...Judy didn't deserve it....god I wish I could fall asleep....I want to forget for awhile....My poor Pacaw....I love him so much...he doesn't deserve this....
That's the way life goes...but god dammit, it really knows how to rain on ya big time. One fucking shit storm after another, lately....ugh.

Time to watch a movie and attempt to sleep. I got another big day of worrying about my grandpa, and then I'm goin to see Izzard..Maybe he can make me forget how bad life sucks for an hour or so...that'd be nice...

Currently watching : Fullmetal Alchemist, Volume 12: Truth Behind Truths (Episodes 45-48) Release date: 2006-09-05

3:30 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m proud to announce
Current mood: Proud/Sleepy/Tummy hurts :(

My little sister, Emma, was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society this morning. She was one of four people in her class to make this achievement. In fact, only those four students joined it out of everyone in her school. It's a big deal to me and great deal to Emma. It was so cute how excited she was when she found out the news. She called me up and just kept sayin how she couldn't believe it. It was so adorable. Anywho, she is a very bright child and I'm very proud of her doing so well so early in life. In gradeschool, I was always on the "B" Honor Roll. I remained on that all the way up to Senior year of high school where I finally managed to make it to the "A" Honor Roll. *pats herself on the back* 
But anyhow, here's my shout out for Emma. I'm very, very proud of her :)

Oh and I definitely don't want to leave out my older sister, Stef, who is also highly intelligent [just sayin, we are smart girls :) ] AND has given me the gift of sexy items for a VERY cheap price. I'm very grateful for that too ;)

I love my sisters so much. I'm very lucky to have such wonderful siblings.

Currently watching : Tales from the Crypt: The Complete Seventh Season Release date: 2007-10-23

9:39 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

*le sigh*
Current mood: listless

So just to update you all..I'm almost completely moved into Trevor's place for awhile. I'm still tryin to get rid of things so I have less to store here and less to move when I move again. Now all I need is a stable job that pays as good as Universal Printing, or somewhere near that amount. Then, I can get my own lil place and I can live happily with my kitties :) 
Well, there isn't much more I can say right now..so...see ya.

Currently watching : The Wedding Singer Release date: 1998-08-25

4:09 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Any takers?..Or should i say, givers?
Current mood: discontent

I need hugs.....got any spares layin around for me? 

4:06 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Boot to the head. *punt*
Current mood: frisky

..I’m bored and apparently I get to work tonight which is good for my bank account. Yes...so yea! Hopefully I’ll be moving soon. Not sure where yet...But i will let you know as soon as i figure everything out. Some peeps need to hit me up soon! I miss my chums! God i wish i could go get some sushi right now...mmmmmmm! Ok I’m out for now. Alrighty then, vroom! ciao ;)

Currently watching : Tales from the Crypt - The Complete Fifth Season Release date: 31 October, 2006

1:19 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Cowabunga!!!
Current mood: nostalgic

Just thought I'd take a trip down memory lane and share some of my favorite past-times.....

Does anyone else remember Lady and the pixietails? I sure do! :D





Okay, someone please tell me you remember Popples. I use to have a blue one and one that was a piggybank too!





Jammie Pies!! I use to have one of these only she wore white, not pink. One of my favorite childhood toys that vansihed, along with many other favorites, after tryin so hard to keep it for memories.





Alright people, I KNOW have to agree that this is better than the new one. True turtle fans would only agree. Oh I miss those days....





Oh yes, the days I would spend playin with these bad boys with my sister and cousins...I still have Donnie and Leo somewhere..lost the weapons though :(





Yeaya! If only I had been thinking back when I had these, to not get rid of them or lose 'em....but alas, I did...It's amazing what you can not value now and then years later regret not havin a McDonald's happymeal toy...crazy world.





Do the Mario! I don't care how cheesey it was, being that Mario was a former wrestler(Captain Lou Albano), it rocked me back when and I still love it....*singing* "Swing your arms from side to side! Come on, it's time to go! Do the Mario!"  :D





By far the best Batman cartoon series, hands down. You in the back, shut it! It's awesome so don't deny it.





Hell yes. I use to get so excited about this fab Nick show. Now I will admit, being that i own the first disc set of this show, I cannot figure out for the life of me how I use to get creeped out by this show. I watch it now and it's far from scary...or even creepy for that matter...but since it's part of my past favorite's, it'll always be somethin I like...no matter how cheesey or lame it is :)





you are officially awesome if you use to watch it or read it.


Well, that's all i got for now....It was fun to look back on all these things...I'll do it again some other time, I'm sure. Does make me regret gettin rid of and losing some toys 'n such. Hope I brought back some good memories for some people! :)

Vroom! Ciao. ;)

Currently reading : The Walking Dead, Vol. 7: The Calm Before By Robert Kirkman Release date: 26 September, 2007

9:54 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Morto un papa, se ne fa un altro.
Current mood: wanted

Things have been going fantastic recently. I feel like everything is starting to only get better. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself :P  Anywho, i'm not sure if I'm just fooling myself or being fooled by another but I'm starting to feel alive again, so far. Things like this really helps me not think about all the rotten things lurking in the back of my mind. So far, so good :)  Oh! Also for the first time ever in my entire life, I was thrown a VERY surprising birthday party. Trevor took it upon himself to call up any of my  friends he's become friends with and the friends I made through him and invited them to his house while i was out in Festus getting my hair cut and dyed. Sadly, it took a loooong time for my aunt to get started on my hair so the people that showed up for the party had to party without me for quite awhile. My aunt ended up sendin me back to the city with foil in my hair so that the red dye could sit on the bleached pieces and I would be able to get back to Trevor's to hang out before the wedding he and I were attending the next morning. Well, I was tired, not to mention hungry..hadn't slept but 2 hours since getting out of work that morning...I was so relieved to finally arrive back at his house. I got there, opened the door and it was dark and very quiet. Somethin didn't feel right so i stood there for a few and peered into the darkness..listening. I started to make out some images..there was more than 2..i started to see a couple more and then i heard a noise..somewhat of a slight muffled laugh. And then - "SURPRISE!" Camera flashes goin off, yelling and laughing. Ohhh man...they scared the ba-jeebus outta me! i was so shocked (and slightly embarrassed by the unfinished hair-do with foil), I made my way through everyone once the lights went on and headed for the bathroom to get ready to wash my hair and fix it so i could mingle with everyone. Anywho, that pretty much sums up my end of that story. It was the sweetest thing for Trevor to do that for me. It made me feel very good :)  It was so nice of everyone to take the time to do that for me. You guys are all fuckin awesome :D  I've always wondered what it'd be like to have a surprise party and now I know thanks to all of you and Trevor. And it'll never be forgotten, especially considering it was almost as if I were set up thanks to my aunt sending me back unfinished, lol! :D  So yea, that was an awesome Friday. SO glad I took off work that night. Trevor is awesome! And so are my friends! I'm so lucky!!!  :D   Another quick tid-bit before I go - I learned at the wedding I attended the next day that the old bully/ex best friend of my close chum, Jenny, is now part of my family by marraige. Apparently her mother is the niece of my great uncle's new wife. So...thats kinda..different...and weird as hell. I didn't bother talking to her, not because I'm mean, but she did bully my Jenny (and i've been in that "bullied by the best friend" situation) AND i learned she badmouthed me as soon as we graduated, even though I was her friend. Oh well, been in that boat plenty of times. Better off without the hateful, troublemaking drama queens and bullies :D  Alrighty, I'm out!.......Mow.

Currently playing : Castlevania Curse of Darkness Release date: 02 November, 2005

2:27 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Chillin......Killin....
Current mood: amused
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

So....the past several nights I've been having dreams I've never had before. I've been dreaming that I'm a serial killer. Never before these dreams have I had a dream that I'm able to even punch someone. Usually when i dream of tryin to hit someone or defend myself, it's always as if I'm punching or running through water. These dreams I've been having lately are completely different. I can slice n dice, stab, torture, throw people around like rag dolls, smash faces in....you name it. And I never get injured by anything in the process. People shoot at me or swing at me and they always seem to miss. Hell in one of 'em, i slaughtered and threw around a bunch of people in someone's house and then left. From afar I could see cops showing up so after a short while, i went back and started slaughtering cops that were shooting at me. What's got me confused the most is when i wake up from these dreams.....i feel good. As sick as it sounds...those dreams make me feel good. I wake up refreshed, so to speak. I must have some pent up feelings or somethin....wow-wee.
Anywho, just figured i'd share my, what i like to call "Michael Myers" dreams....i swear my dreams kick ass lately! :D ...man i got problems....

Currently watching : Invader ZIM - Doom Doom Doom (Vol. 1) Release date: 11 May, 2004

5:15 AM - 8 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment