Out of Africa

By now Scott O'Hallor an is Ghana. It is a life long dream for the exuberant twenty-one year old from Mill Park. Like so many young Australians he has jetted overseas to follow a dream and travel round perhaps one of the most dangerous continents on earth.
'I love reading about Africa! People have absolutely nothing but are willing to give you everything they have.'
Scott will be teaching drama and English in a school (Brothers and Sisters In Christ) in Ghana for some six months, before doing the backpacker thing around Africa.
' I choose teaching as I really don't want to go over there and dig some waterholes for Elephants or build fences, so the same elephants can pull them down. I think it's better to go over there and help people. There was something about teaching English in Ghana that really appealed to me.'
Don't know where Ghana is? You're not alone. Ghana is stuck between the Ivory Coast and Nigeria, just above the equator. Think hot, think humid and then think hot again. You're close.
Nigeria has a particularly bad rep for lawlessness and Ivory Coast? No a good deal better. Why go to Ghana?
'They say that Ghana is supposed to be the friendliest country in Africa. I have done as much research, it sounds quite safe to me.'
Teaching anywhere can be a challenge let alone Ghana.
Scott sighed.
'I know, teachers there can still hit students with canes, but they know the aid workers can't use corporal punishment, so apparently when the regular teachers aren't there the kids go wild. It's mayhem. But if you can just put a smile on their faces at the end of the day that's the main thing.'
I smiled weakly at his positivity at this point and wondered would he be grey and fifties looking when he returned in eight months time... would he be able to talk through the straw as he sipped his liquids, the hospital bed sign announcing 'No solids of any kind.'
Animals are a hit with Scott and African animals a big score. I pointed out there were a lot of meat eating animals in Africa and there was a considerable difference between say a killer bandicoot and a leopard? I decided to test Scott's survival skills.
What's the state bird of Ghana?
'Oooh I don't know.'
How do you survive a hippopotamus attack?
'They attack?'
I sighed and thought what colour straw would he like as a 'get well gift' in hospital upon his return.
Scott's Injection list
1Yellow Fever
2Tetanus / Diphtheria / Pertusis / Polio
3 Measles / Mumps / Rubella T
4 Influenza
5 Hepatitis A
6 Typhoid
7 Meningitis ACWY
8 Rabies 1st
9 Rabies 2nd
10 Rabies 3rd
11 Mantoux Test
12 BCG aka T.B
13 Cholera -

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Publicity Is Important Isn’t It?

Radiohead has been blasted by veteran rockers KISS for giving their music away for free.
Bassist Gene Simmons says the decision by British rockers - who gave fans the choice to download last year's album In rainbows for free or pay a sum of their own choosing- is contributing to the demise of the record industry and insists his band would never follow suit.
Simmons says 'The record industry is dead. It's six feet underground and unfortunately the fans have done this.
'They've decided to download and file share. There is no record industry around so we're going to wait until everybody settles down and becomes civilised.'
'As soon as the record industry pops its head up, we'll record new material.'
Buzz Mag has noticed a serious decline in the industry investing in new artists and promoting existing artists.
We have been surprised that our front page has been sought by international artists, whilst Australian artists in the main seem apathetic.
This apathy has been brought on by falling sales, downloading and online sites where graphics and video media have appealed to a new generation that no longer employs the printed media to gain information or Cd stores to purchase music.
The lack of publicity now being produced is concerning. Many publicists that were in contact with Buzz 12 months ago are no longer in a job. Festivals no longer need publicists, they sell out in hours. Phone contact is now minimal and it is not uncommon to count 10 phone calls a week, not a day as two years ago would record. Emails detailing industry events are also in decline.
Record stores are now extremely rare. In the past two months two stores where Buzz Magazine could distribute have closed. The only alternative for many people wanting Cd's is to now purchase them in JB stores. In the major shopping complexes of Fountain Gate, Northland, Chadstone and others there are no Cd stores.
It is challenging to remain positive, but then you get a shot in the proverbial arm from bands like Star Assassin.
A colour presentation package arrived in the mail several weeks ago that was interesting, filled with material about the band, supplemented with quality photos. It was like the old days.
I stopped and drank in the effort and passion contained in that folder.
Some-one with more sense than me once said 'The Major labels are now minor in their support of their artist rosters,' and I must admit that the once mighty record companies may send out an email , but that's all. It's all going through the motions.
The enthusiasm and fire that once catergorised the industry as a leader of music trends, youth culture and energy is now left to indie labels and brave individuals like Star Assassin and label Vemma Records.More artists need to raise the standards of presentation and promotion. Buzz Magazine regularly offers a free advert to bands through our Myspace site. Last month there were no takers.

9:05 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A Refe-RUDD-rum

So the 1000 knights of the Rudd Table have again raised the issue of Australia becoming a republic. I have to admit that I just do not get the need. At the same time I could not call myself a monarchist.
When John Howard called for a referendum in 1999 the major republican argument was that Australia is not taken seriously in the business world because it does not have its own Head of State. I would have thought being connected to the Queen would boost our business standing particularly in the world of retail. After all our Head of State is one of the richest women on the planet.
Apparently having our own Head of State would strengthen our economic position. That must make the United States of America the exception to the rule. Considering their economic downturn which is sparking a world-wide recession.
Now that I think of it America is not the only republic that has international trade problems. Mugabe has done wonders with the Zimbabwean economy. It is the only country I know of that prints its money only on one side of the paper AND prints a used by date on all its notes. Only fair because just like a carton on milk left out in the sun, Zimbabwean currency does go tend to off and leave its residents with a bad taste in the collective mouths.
On my recent visit to Zimbabwe one American dollar was worth $60,000Zimbabwe dollars, when I left three days later it was worth $120,000 . The smallest denomination was $10,000. I felt like I was living in a game of Monopoly.
Other countries that have enjoyed the riches that are supposed to come to a country that supports the office of a President; Iraq, South Africa, Sudan should I go on…
On the charge of being taken seriously on the international stage. If it pleases the court I offer exhibit A; George W. Bush, your Honour. Not even Laura takes him seriously any more.
I would like to become a republic though if we can be like America with our elections (and why not we follow America with everything else). The 2008 election has been going for 12 months already and we are still six months away from polling day. Over $200million just to choose the people from whom they get to choose.
The state of the royal family does strengthen the argument for a republic. The Queen is an institution, she is more than a person, she is the embodiment of the office of a Head of State. But she will abdicate or die – eventually, and then what?
Prince Charles and his mare Camilla. I recommend we become a limited republic. Just during the years of King Charles III reign before returning to the monarchy when King William IV comes to power.
Here is a guy who knows how to party, perhaps not to the extent of his binge drinking, drug taking, Nazi costume-wearing brother, but he did learn how to fly a helicopter just so he could pick up his date to go out for the night and avoiding the ever present paparazzi.
When considering republic debate more important issues arise for many Australians. Firstly what happens to the Queen's birthday long weekend? Would we get a President's Day, and if so when would it be. I personally would like to retain the current date as my birthday falls on the June weekend. If it moved would we want to place between Easter and Anzac Day and just link them all up into a two week break, or do we move it to August to break up the four month period between June and October when there are currently no breaks?
Then there are all of the places named in honour of our royal heritage. Adelaide, Kings Cross, King William Street, Queen Victoria Markets, Williamstown, The Big Banana.
Queensland is in trouble. I expect that in the future we will all be planning holidays to Ruddland. I am sure that in our modest Prime Minister's head he can already hear the tourist ads. 'Beautiful one day, perfect the next.'
We then have the problem of what to call drag queens. Drag presidents does not really have the same ring to it. First Ladies maybe or should that be First Laddies? When I think of drag queens in their expensive and yet surprisingly tacky clothing it would only be appropriate that they be named Drag Reins in honour of the PM's awkwardly dressed wife.
Finally the average Australian is concerned about losing our right to participate in the Commonwealth Games. If we lost the Games how would we ever win a track and field gold medal?
Public holidays, cross dressing, sporting success, international trade and renaming our locations Mr Rudd may well be advised to heed the words Goff Whitlam, Labors most famous leader, 'Well may we say God save the queen…' or he may well run the risk of facing the same fate of his party colleague.
darren freak
(Darren is an established Melbourne comic.)

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Melbourne At War

Underbelly has been barred from Victorian television for fear of jeopardising ongoing court proceedings in the Gangland murders. I find it amazing that considering their obvious flouting of most laws (allegedly) which carry heavy penalties of jail time, the crime families (allegedly) are abiding by this ruling for fear of contempt of court.
Especially considering that airing the program might contaminate the jury and create the opportunity a miss trial or better, in their favour.
Has the court banned spin off shows? Channel Nine could bring back Bert Newton's Family Feud. They could have alleged members of each of the gang families face off against each other with only Bert, his hair and the two random female models that have no obvious purpose standing between them. At least on Deal or No Deal the models hold the cases.
The voice over starts the show
'The carry over champions, the Smith family return tonight after winning the Melbourne Docks last night to take on the challengers, the Jones family.'
Please note that I have intentionally not used the names linked (allegedly) to the gangland murders firstly for fear of offending any family whose name I did mention and secondly for fear of offending any family whose name I did not mention.
Also note, that in no way do I imply that any person named Smith or Jones is associated with any crime – organised or otherwise – in Melbourne or any other city, suburb or town, or country for that matter. 'What, the Smith family and its organised crime connections (allegedly) not good enough for your little comedy article. Bang! (allegedly)
Then Bert comes in, 'We surveyed 100 people and asked them to name a crime often associated with gangs'.
Master Smith reaches for the buzzer, 'Drug running'
'That is the top answer do you want to pass or play?'
They play and go one to win the round in a clean sleep.
'Prostitution, money laundering, murder, extorsion, bribery and corruption, car re-birthing' (allegedly)
I have to admit that there are many things about the gangland wars that I do not understand. For starters I have never been part of a gang and my family are not that close. I do not think that I would kill anyone for my family. No-one in my family would…intentionally. Mum's cooking could however could be considered to possess homicidal qualities.
I also do not understand the notion of 'turf'. My boundary is clearly marked with six foot high sheets of corrugated iron. Perhaps this is a concept better understood by Australia's indigenous population, which still recognise over 200 nations across the country.
Here is an idea, perhaps the Victorian, nay the Commonwealth government could pass a ruling recognising gang lands. It would be similar to the Mabo legislation. It could be called the Mokbel Law.
Land rights. Land rights for gangs.
They could be shown in the UDB or Melways or Gregory's or any other street directory if they are owned or controlled by a gangland family, allegedly. Local government areas, suburbs and now gang control borders.
Official celebrations could start with the indigenous 'welcome to country' by a local elder followed by a warning to lands, by the local mob-boss or hired muscle. Of course this would be an alleged warning.
More of a friendly reminder, really.
What are they fighting over anyway? Unpaid debts, recovering lost interest from loans or imposing exorbitant fees when the payments are late. Surely this is not illegal, the banks do it every day. Bank mangers would probably leave a horses head in your bed, except they have already reclaimed your house and furniture.
If it is drug importation then perhaps they could learn from pharmaceutical companies. They all seem to be able to bring in more than enough drugs with a street value of millions of dollars every year. And all with the blessing of Australian Customs.
I must say for a group that is referred to as 'organised crime' they do seem to be disorganised, allegedly. If the Johnson & Johnson family can do it then surely the Smiths and Jones – or whatever the family name is, if there is a family – can do it. Perhaps if they spent less time fighting each other and more time organising themselves
Business plan, budget, licences are all critical aspects of establishing a successful business. Succession planning would be a definite must for gangs as keeping their leaders alive seems to be problematic over recent years.
Contracts are also essential in business, but they are something with which gangs seem to be most efficient.
Allegedly.
darren freak
(Darren is a regular columnist for Buzz.)

10:41 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s Only Subliminal

So far for the past couple of Blogs I have had a rest and let other's with something interesting to say say it. Looking at past blog headings I wonder if there's a theme? Subliminal maybe. Things are usually pretty quiet at Buzz now. Phones ring rarely, emails spin in with less frequency, the music industry is pretty quiet in this neck of the woods where you need money to participate.
I have been a little surprised of late by major Aussie bands who have little money to spend on advertising tours. It's been harder to sign off on front pages than ever before. It's harder too because there are fewer Aussie bands on a national level than ever before.
I miss some of the youth and vitality of the younger bands. I can remember Frenzal Rhomb in their young days or Grinspoon or many others. There are bands still out there I am sure, but the mechanism for national exposure has been grimly dismantled.
I was surprised by a feature on Good Charlotte in the paper yesterday too. What's happened to those boys (now men) seems to be indicative of parts of the industry. The sad fact is the guys have gone to seed. I have rarely seen a band go to seed (in this case put on huge amounts of weight at a young age), in fact it's a first.
But I wondered is this what's happening the music scene is losing its edge? What's happened to the excitement. Is our only excitement the sight of two men in their late twenties looking like old tired married men in a boring job?

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Life’s A Dredge

The Port of Melbourne corporation is busy dredging of Port Phillip Bay to create a deeper channel. The Blue Wedges want them to stop. Will it be of economic value to the state? Will it decrease heavy vehicles on Melbourne's roads , will it kill the penguin colonies and will it make the water a bit murky for recreational divers?
Don't know.
What I do know is that The Queen of the Netherlands is busy digging through the muck and making the hole bigger, ironic really with the way royalty are now generally treated by the world's media. Reporters and paparazzi are normally digging around their whole lives, making the muck bigger.
The big question seems to be; how far is too far? What is too much? Where is the line in the sand, literally?
The penguins suffering is more related to political correctness rather than political decisions. A while ago their name was changed. When they were fairy penguins they would have raised concern because the name "fairy" rather than suggesting sexual preference does suggest a sense of frailty. As fairy penguins they were an animal that required our attention, our concern, our protection.
But their name changed.
Now they are just the little penguins. Little. Small. Insignificant. No one notices them after all they are only the little ones. Now if they were average penguins or bigger-than-normal penguins let alone big penguins then they might be worth protecting. If only Port Phillip penguins were emperor penguins now that would be a species to legislate to preserve.
Of course criticism has also been levelled at the Minister for the Environment, Peter Garrett. I remember when his beds were burning with concern for the plight of our environment. Now…
If his burning bed of environmental protection was a camp fire then his policy decisions would not cook your toast in the morning.
A similar question is being asked in international cricket in regards to sledging.
A code of conduct, of sorts, is being suggested to describe how far is too far in the art of sledging on the cricket field. I hope they produce a dictionary/phrase book. Glenn McGrath would suggest that anything to do with wives should be out of bounds Andrew Symonds will obviously advocate for no monkey references.
But this is where the sledging waters become as murky as Port Phillip Bay. "Monkey" is offensive. Fine but what about the great apes? Surely not after all they are great. Lemurs, they are cute, cheeky and seemingly fun loving. Calling someone a lemur should be allowed, it is almost positive affirmation. We cannot rule out primates altogether after all humans are primates. Though questions are still being asked in the Merv Hughes…
What about the classic "your mother wears army boots"? That would still be allowed. One might even be able to say that the boots need a good clean. But if one was to suggest that she put left her boots under the bed of the wicketkeeper that might be too far. I am not even going to mention spit and polish.
(Actually I just did).
Hedging - rhymes with dredging and sledging and like them is something that can go too far. Clipping an English box into a neat rectangular wall of foliage is to be commended. When the gardeners diligence morphs into the art of topiary that is a good sign that not everything is going well in the bedroom department. Every day on the way to the train I pass a tree that has been clipped into a teapot complete with handle spout and lid.
But it does not end there people create private menagerie of flora based fauna. Parrots, cats, eagles. I would like to see a scene of a parrot in the mouth of a cat which in turn is in the talons of an eagle. All clipped into the branches of a rosemary bush It is the herb Australia uses to signify sacrifice after all
Maybe I am just jealous because I cant even get a basic square happening. When I trim the hedges on my property it looks as though The Queen of Netherlands ran aground in my driveway.
Is it even possible for a dredging boat to run aground? Does not make sense really. You are a dredger. Dig yourself out!
Fledgling nothing funny but it also rhymes with dredging. Perhaps Mr I-have-way-too-much-time-on-my-hands could fashion a fledgling little penguin while doing his hedging. But now I am just sledging. And much like the dredging many of you might now be thinking I am just bringing a whole lot of crap.
(darren freak is a new writer for Buzz and is appearing in Melbourne's Comedy Festival.)

10:02 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Pieceofcrap.org

What is happening with hip hop? Boltz has never been so savage and his reviews are worthy of some attention, but this has to be the sharpest of late and cruelly telling. Who says we pull our punches when it is awful?
SOULJA BOY
Souljaboytellem.com
In an age where more people are downloading music than buying CD's, artists such as Soulja Boy are now naming their albums after websites. The gimmicky teen who swept the US by storm with his debut single 'Crank That (Soulja Boy)', credits Myspace and file-sharing software such as Limewire with making him a star. Sure, the kid knows how to play up a gimmick; in his case it's his name written with Liquid Paper on ridiculous sunglasses, but does that give him the right to make a whole album? Clearly the answer should have been no. I must admit the first time I heard the single I thought it was kinda cool- definitely catchy, great to observe people dance in unison to (did I mention he has his own dance?), but little did I know how painful fourteen odd tracks of Soulja Boy would be. The formula is simple; combine a very minimal crunk beat with a couple of verses a 12 year old could write, and then repeat one sentence about 16 times and call it a chorus. Nearly every song follows that exact routine! So if hearing a teenager repeat over and over that he's dressed in 'Bathing Ape' with his 'Sidekick' and he wants you to 'Snap and Roll', pick this up immediately, if not, avoid at all costs!
H (Universal)
Boltz Sez: Pieceofcrap.org

10:57 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupidity comes in yellow lines.

I walk my dog Milly around the one flat area near my house. A primary school oval. It is school holidays, the only things moving on the oval are flocks of galahs. But I have noticed two interesting things. Firstly as the school year approaches the cleaner has been busy painting every pole in the place with a broad yellow line. All neatly painted with masking tape to make sure that the yellow line isn't ragged. This has interested me. Do they need to paint the poles with a broad yellow line because the kids don't have the sense NOT to run into the poles unless they have a yellow line, or maybe the school can't be sued by over indulgent parents who accuse them of not marking out dangerous poles with yellow lines. I am now waiting to see if every tree in the school will have a broad yellow stripe around it too.
It all seems too much. Surely common sense needs to be applied. Or maybe in life we all need broad yellow stripes around anything that might be considered dangerous if we act stupidly. Because basically even at a young age we're not stupid. Just some people think we are.
Secondly I have been watching the flocks of galahs. I noticed all the young birds are at the edge of the flock. Presumbly they'll get munched first allowing the older birds time to get away. Whose stupid there?

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Directions In 2008

2008 and a a new sense of direction. Just don't put your faith in a GPS mounted on your dashboard. It may not point you in a direction you wish to be heading.
Where are you?
'We're heading through the Mount Martha Cove Harbour? We'll be there in 5 minutes.'
But you're a half hour late.
'Oh, we're going to end up on the Nepean Highway now!'
But that's not the way to go, you should have stayed on the Freeway.
'But the GPS told us to turn off here and go through the Dromana Marina estate. We'll be there in 5…'
I was not convinced. They should have stayed on the freeway.
'We'll be there in 5 trust me!' I wasn't in a trusting mood.
Twenty minutes later. 'Where are you?'
'West Rosebud.'
'But you have passed the turn-off ten minutes ago, you should have come up Bayview!'
A further 10 minutes later, a good thirty minutes after Mt Martha Valley a car turned up.
What happened?
'Oh the GPS had a meltdown and turned itself off, so we had to stop while it reset itself.'
The moral of the story might be trust in yourself in 2008, be prepared and don't depend on technology to save you in a tight situation. Also take Melways Reading 101 in TAFE next year.
PS I was given a GPS for Christmas. In one situation it would have sent me up a one way dirt road and I would still be lost and in another it kept imagining a road or two on the great Koo Wee Rup Swamp. There weren't any.
Still I like Jane's voice keeping me company on long drives and that constant beeping as I go over the speed limit reassures me my speed needlething is far from accurate.

9:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Christmas Thoughts (Part 1)

As you get older Christmas comes around a lot faster. I know that. I am old. As of this moment I have only started some ideas on shopping. You see when I buy something I like to imagine the surprise and pleasure that the gift gives. I think if you know someone well, it isn't always hard to buy something they like (except if they are unpleasant then forget this bit of advice).
It all comes back to the same question, giving should be fun but there shouldn't be a price tag on what you give.
Someone else said 'Christmas is just for kids.' I know some big kids. I have a friend who starts in November to decorate their house moving from inside most rooms to eventually the roof. Putting them out is a joy. Putting them away not so.
Also not a joy is if you clap your hands in front of the animated elves etc.
My mother in law in the States was an excellent example of that. Everytime you clapped your hands at least twenty animated figurines would 'ho ho ho,' say something Christmassy or neigh. The only thing that didn't happen was the reindeers didn't poop on cue.
I fixed her annoying animations by clapping my hands constantly to keep up a barrage of ugly tinny Christmas sounds. It was fun – for a while.
Still Christmas is the one time in the year when you can do silly things and it seems sane. Like the Bakers Delight I went into on Sunday where every one had a set of stupid reindeer antlers on their heads. It made people smile and little children laugh. That's important.
So for me Christmas for adults is not just about 'the kids,' it's about being a friend to other adults and helping them along. Sure creating happy memories for children is always the basis of Christmas. I have the most wonderful childhood family memories.
In a way it is harder to be kindly towards adults, they can often be blank back. But that's not to say we shouldn't try. There is often a mind behind that blank face.
Finally to those of you facing Christmas without a loved one for the first time, may happy memories sustain you through a dificult day.

9:17 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment