Life in B-minor
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Alright so the count done has just begun for me to return to school one last time to get the degree I really want, so I can be that kick ass chef that i know i can be. I would be lieing if i said i wasn't a little scared about this but hey you have to take leeps and bounds to get what you want in this life, if everything was handed to you my last name would be Turner, Hilton, or some other family thats loaded. Luckily this past t-day i actually got to spend time with my family and not just my friends from back in the day, which i must say so far is the best time i have had during hollidays yet! I am normally down this time of year due to weather and past things that i am reminded of, but this trip helped me through that and also allowed me the time to reassure myself about school and doing what i love instead of what will make me money.

    The only thing that is making me a little down is that i found out a little time ago that my last ex from 5 or so years ago (yeah it has been a while since i have dated or anything) has become positive which is a little dispressing since he was always full of life and energy to keep me going when i was working 80hrs a week, but with him i always found the energy to still live my life and go on, I just hope that this energy of his will keep him going for a long time to come, my hearts with you mac ja' bless

Currently listening : Imagine the Future By The Spores Release date: 27 June, 2006

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Tired Tired Tired
Current mood: at work
Category: at work Life

Alright so now that i am 27 and going on ancient lol my body is now starting to catch up with me, I have been working two jobs for a while now but took a little break and was only working one for a couple of months which my body got used to and now that i am working two once more damn am i tired, so last night I worked at one job and then had a party to attend for a friends bday and also for a friends going away, I remember back not to long ago that i could hang till like 2 4 or 6 in the morning which i can normally do still but having worked on Sat till 4am and then back at work at 10 am the next day my body was like FUCK U! and totally got messed up on like 3 drinks an 2 shops in a 5 hour period, so to those friends sorry i bailed yesterday but needed sleep and was a little to tipsy to stay awake at a bar, but heres hoping all was not for nothing since i will be starting school in the next couple of months and scaling back my work schedule

but here's to sleep all day tomorrow YEAH!

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conflict
Current mood: confused
Category: Writing and Poetry

drowning in my inner depression
lost with in my interventions

What is up and where is down
can you find by interpreting the ground

seasons change and never end
leaves that fall can't pretend

drifting winds of a noreaster
blow the wind with in this time

Lost to know what is kind
Lost to know what is blind

Where are we to go in this world
Lost to what we once knew

Blind to what was true
  blind to what was blue

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Really?
Current mood: pessimistic
Category: Life

Ok so i went on my interview the other day at the W hotel and still have yet to hear anything back from them, this is something i have done know for most of my after college life and still i feel that people who i have rubbed shoulders with in the biz are keeping me from getting what and where i want to go underway. It seems that now in the this time in my life certain areas are going really good from once in a very long time, or atleast that is the way i feel at this point. The disconcerning portion is when will my life as a whole gonna come together and finally be complete. I am not sure if it is that i am now 27 and feel that i have not really accomplished anything in my life besides floating by on family and friends. I have no concrete aspects in which i have achieved yet to show my worth in this world. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am i having an early mid-life crisis? I mean i have my dreams and what i want to get done in my life but it seems that when it comes up i don't have the drive or the hungry to get what i want, is this something steming from my youth and my reckless habits back then, Did i do some thing to my mind and my soul that it made it at times feel black and void of emotional attachment.

I am not sure where i am going i would just love a sign or the will that i had when i was younger to get the things that i wanted back in my life. One of these days i will find my way i am just not sure what and when i am going to find it.  

Currently watching : Steven Spielberg Presents Taken Release date: 21 October, 2003

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Confusion
Category: Blogging

Confused and lost
Not sure what is at cost,

Can i find the answer with in the wind
or must i look to the end

Must i look into the blind
while i walk into line
of what is and what in unbinded




ok not sure if it makes sence but hey its a work in progress

Currently watching : Charmed - The Complete Fourth Season Release date: 28 February, 2006

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Happy Birfday to me
Current mood: crushed
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Well let me just put it this way I am now fired from hotel ZaZa and what a present for myself on my birthday, which is tomorrow for real. I an not writing this to get pitty or condonlences i am more writing this so it seems a little more real for me, cause still its a little fresh since it happened at 9am this morning, i had a feeling that it was coming but i was hoping that all the hard work i did for that company would have come in as my saving grace but guess not, you break your back and they slam the door


WELL A HAPPY BIRHDAY TO ME!

12:22 PM - 8 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

Life in B minor
Current mood: pessimistic
Category: Life

Alright so well life is pretty interesting right know work has gotten a little better since my last blog about my bitch ass boss now she is more like that bitch who is my boss.....which is an improvement in general......

But today i feel as if ever time i make a couple of steps in the right direction I make a giant leap in the wrong direction which seems to be a trend with me for some odd reason, don't know why.

on a different note it seems that every where i look lately i see couples every where which is nice but i must say it fucking kills me, i mean shit it has been long time for me in general in anything couple or coupling like that I might has well shave my head and become a monk at this point. I don't understand why, my sister has always told me that you won't find people at the bars you normally meet them somewhere else, well I have no real gay friends in the city, they all still live in san antonio, so my outlets for meeting a nice guy through my friends not really an option, I have had plenty state that ohhh we have a friend we want you to meet, then i never meet that person...I personally would like to not meet someone at a bar that way we have some else in common besides drinking lol......I just want some one to come in and sweep me off my feet and make me smile, laugh, and enjoy each others company thats not much to ask for, its not like I am getting any younger, but hey who knows.....I just hard when you don't know what to do about issues in the love and life department cause you have no outlets to turn too for help, like i used to have, I miss having atleast a couple of gay friends, Shit i have plenty of lesbians but no guys which is weird for me......................ramble ramble ramble ramble ............ramble

1:51 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

WTF
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

Ok so i just wrote a blog that may not make sense but I wrote from the heart i have had some problems lately with past loves giving me information that makes me want to kill. But more the fact that i can not kill the ones that i have loved even though i would like to right now. Depression is upon me in facts that are simple and complex at the same time. Where do you draw the line, where do you look for signs. I must confuss that i am confused with in this world of truth and false. When are the days of truth and conviction, when will my day come. I am still feeling lost in the pool of fishless wonders.


OK i think this is it for the night

feed back!!!!

Currently watching : Charmed - The Complete Fifth Season Release date: 06 June, 2006

1:01 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

WHO WHAT and WHY!!!!
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

Ok so i sit here wondering whats wrong
I look in to the mirror of past exertions
Finding diversions that are not faithful or truthful
When drowning the thoughts of my mind
I find that dinner is on a platter and it be my soul
Lost in the intervention of my life
Confused in the turmoil that is my world
Can I love or be loved again

This question plagues me beyond rats in france
Worse the Aids in Africa
Am I not disireable or am i just resistable?
Is this shell that has formed around my self shatter proof
Some have found the cracks while others get lost in what they lack

Blessings have come in more than one way
Flowers on the virge of blossuming in front of me
But yet the weather of my soul wilt those beginnings
Soon all flowers a brown and dried from existance

Willing to change trying to not complain
But confused in what makes me lame
Some are meant as the studs others as the dead
Where do i stand?

Does my spirit have the power to lift and impower
A dieing and tring soul to the power it was meant to be
Lost once again, it is that time of contemplation
This annual endeavor leaves are changed am I?

Currently listening : Hoodie By Lady Sovereign Release date: 10 January, 2006

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Not me Blog Its mE BaBbLe
Category: Life

Alright so after a long hard look into my world of friends, if feel that i am failing some of them sometimes due to my extensive (but pretty much regular) social life. I always seem to find another excuse to go out for a drink, which normally has never been a problem, just that i had a friend that had some issues this past week and I feel that i was more jaded to listening to them than i was to help and show some empathy towards the situation. For that i am sorry to them and also my self.

Is it me or in Dallas does everything revolve around drinking, yeah i mean you could hang out and not drink at a bar that gets old after a little bit. I mean yeah love the art shows (or how my sister puts I look for the party at the art show, kinda true) and don't mind movies just really don't go to them. I remember the time when I lived in boston and i could take the T into down town and just walk around and read in the parks, or go window shopping at the weird ass shops on newberry street, or go just out of down town to the blue hills and go hiking, which was alway a blast. I just don't feel that this city has that to offer like other places I have lived.

Still babbling .............so another observation is that most of my friends that i have made here have been from bars, which is weird since ever the friends I made at amsterdam i do things with out side of the bar but for the most part I only see them when they are at the bar. I think or i should say i am feeling a little on the confused side of things today, on what and where to go from here. I have friends but how many would pick me up on the side of the road if my car broke down? How many would come see me if i was in a hospital? Is friendship in 2006 empty and meaningless? And to add the my normal rant is DAMN IT where are the men! I feel that i am or must have the outward look of I'm taken or i am not interested. Is that true? cause if it is how do i stop that and project something a little more available, If i new i think i wouldn't be alone all the time and looking out and watching all the couples acting all cute and shit....just makes me think that i am going to be alone for a long time or for the rest of my life. 

babble babble babble or back to work, just needed to release my brain to continue the day. and now i want to drink lol  

Currently listening : Ziggy Stardust By David Bowie Release date: 21 October, 2003

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