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Thursday, October 09, 2008
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It’s been five years...
Current mood:  nostalgic
Category: Life
This Sunday will mark five years since my beautiful son made his grand appearance. I know my weekend will be busy, so I wanted to do this while I have time to sit and my day has already been filled with writing.
I love remembering the birth of my children, especially on the days they were born. Yes, their births are my experiences, but they also belong to my babies too. My son's pregnancy and birth changed me in a very deep way. Today I'd like to share the story of his birth with you. This is what I have put up on my personal birth stories of my business web site. I've tried to make it not too graphic, and give some idea of what this birth meant to me. I am so grateful for my son, who he is and what he means to me. I am so happy he was born and cannot wait to see what he is like as he grows. I'm lucky to know this little person, and lucky to have my life made richer by him.
October 12, 2003 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ We were on our way home after a typical Saturday. The day had been filled with bookstores and college football. The only thing different with this particular Saturday is that undetected early labor had also been thrown into the mix. That night as we drove home after dropping off movies at the movie store, I felt a pop inside as I was coughing. I was a little alarmed, but said nothing to my husband since my due date was still almost three weeks away. When we got home, I carried my sleeping toddler in and laid her down. When I stood up I realized the inside of my pants leg was soaked and started wobbling to the bathroom. As I had suspected my water indeed had broken, and my husband was sent into a short-lived tizzy. Once all had calmed down and we realized the baby was coming then instead of giving us three weeks to get ready, my mom and dad came to help me clean house, run errands, and take my daughter in the middle of the night while my midwife and her assistant were en route. My contractions started very quickly after my water broke. At first they were so mild I barely even noticed them. My doula had come to sit with me and it wasn't too long before my midwife arrived. She checked my cervix and I was three centimeters. My contractions were coming every few minutes, but were very mild. We all knew the labor wasn't stopping though, since my water had broken. I decided to take a warm bath while my husband cooked food for everyone. (Sidenote: husbands, do NOT try to fry food while your wife is in labor, she will not enjoy the experience!) During the bath, my contractions began to pick up. The next few hours, I alternated between sitting on the birth ball, being in the bath, and sleeping. Yes, I said sleeping. I spent probably about 3 hours of my eleven and a half hour labor sleeping. Eventually, during one of the warm baths, I noticed a drastic change in my contractions. So much so, that I had to begin vocalizing through them. Since I was in the bathroom alone, it took me a few minutes to make my way out of the bathtub to tell the midwife I felt different. Upon checking me, she discovered I was 8 centimeters. Everyone set about moving everything to the living room since it looked like I would be birthing there, and soon after being checked I said I was feeling pressure. I began to try some pushing in a sitting position with my feet propped up, simulating a squat. At the same time, transition hit pretty hard and I started throwing up. The pushing was painful in that position, so I stood up and hung off of my husband to push. When I was pushing I began to doubt myself. I questioned whether or not I could finish it. I realized though that I wasn't doing it alone – we, my son and I, were doing it together. Pushing was really intense for me. So much so that I describe it as an out of body experience. I recall the sensations and exactly how it felt – but it was like I watched it all in third person. As he came out without tearing my body in any way my midwife guided him to the towel beneath me. Immediately I fell forward in a fog thinking to myself the whole thing seemed so surreal. I heard voices from what seemed like another room calling my son's name telling him to wake up and I realized that my son was outside of my body and he needed me as much as ever. I called his name and with tears streaming turned over to pull him up to me. As soon as he heard my voice he began to wake up I held him close rubbing his back. Soon he was pink and beautiful. When my son was born I never would have thought I would be so enthralled by him as I was. I had been a mother before; my daughter was almost three. When she was born I held her and looked at her and promised to always protect her and never abandon her. I felt the mother bear instinct soar in me and it has been that way with her ever since. With my son it was different though. He was like an extension of me. I felt completed by him – by his existence and his birth. ------------------------------------------------ Happy Birthday Connor! Thank you for your birth and your presence in my life. I am so proud of you and always will be, no matter where life takes you.
9:28 PM
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Thursday, October 02, 2008
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Ok...everybody panic
Current mood:  rebellious
Watching the news. That's my current status. It's been my current status for about six minutes.
Let me share the IDIOTIC statements I have heard in those lone six minutes.
The bailout plan is important to pass to get credit flowing again.
I'm sorry, but isn't the flowing of credit part of our current problem? People have been encouraged to put themselves and their families in hock up to their eyeballs and now they can't pay it back! But come on, if we offer them more money it'll fix everything. Nevermind that no one from middle class America down can afford, to quote my childhood, a pot to piss in if they didn't already have one. Let's go ahead and put everybody in MORE debt.
Carmax is laying off umpteen *my word* thousand employees nationwide, but the GOOD news is no one in the Jackson area will be affected.
Goody goody gumdrops! The Jackson area is safe. Our carmax employees won't lose their jobs. The employees across the rest of the country, eh not so much. But who cares? It's not close to us so we're good. How callous can we be? Idiots.
And people can still buy big ticket items, like new TV's, because financing is STILL available because Mississippi banks are STILL stable.
This rich-ass prick had the gall to stand on television and say, "If I didn't know there was a national crisis, I wouldn't know it from the number of people coming into the store." Seriously. Again, let's keep handing out money, guarantee no interest for a few months (or years) and when these people can't pay back the money they've borrowed the banks can all go under then. Of course, it'll be the banks going under not him since they banks will have already paid him. So he's good.
I swear one person didn't close their mouth before another was letting something stupid fall out. What kind of idiots are reporting the news tonight? Better yet, what kind of idiots are coming up with this idea that giving people money they have to pay back but don't have the money to pay back will fix the economy? Oh wait, it keeps us dependent. Silly, silly me.
I'm deeply disturbed. This is the current state of affairs. Everybody panic. The people we've allowed to make the decisions have fucked us.
3:05 AM
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
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Something I posted on my birth blog...
Current mood:  awake
Category: Life
I posted this on my birth blog, I thought I would share here...
The Ever Increasing Hostility of the World of Birth
I am struck, today, by how hostile the environment of giving birth is becoming in my home state. Not only struck, but saddened, confused, and downright pissed off. This summer I have had one client already leave the state to give birth because she felt like her chances of having a natural birth in the hospital here were slim to none. I have another client whose due date is evermore impending still undecided on her birth plans because she is a VBAC mom and her choices are, well zero. Having a VBAC in Mississippi is becoming next to impossible. One hospital in the Jackson metro area has banned VBAC's and I feel sure more will follow suit. Not only this, but the ONE doctor I trusted to refer my clients to for hospital births has become owned by the insurance companies. He doggedly pushes the AFP test and is cracking down on VBAC moms. The newest policy I've heard in place is that he requires an epidural catheter to be in place as soon as mom is in the hospital laboring. Doesn't have to be active, but the needle must be inserted and ready to go. I am appalled that women are being forced to choose to travel out of state in order to have the birth choices that are rightfully theirs. Even worse, there are women who are limiting their family size because they are afraid of having to fight simply to give birth! For a while, the birth climate in Mississippi was looking up. Today I am wondering what it will take for us to have the rights and choices we deserve. As a woman who fought to get what the birth I wanted and fought to give that to other women, I am forced to consider how much worse can it get before it gets better? What if every woman with a scar across her belly stood up and said "NO MORE!" What if every woman with a virgin womb stood up and said "You will NOT tell me how to birth the children yet to enter this body!" What if every woman with milky breasts, crayon colored walls, stained shirts, and tangled hair said "I am in charge of my births!" Would "they" listen? Would the men who decided we needed them to interfere in the birth process to begin with hush us back and "tsk" at our silly cries for attention? Or would they sit, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, and stare at the brazen revolutionists they've made us become? I hear all of the abortion debates, "Get your laws off of my body!" and "It's a baby, not a choice!" Why don't I hear the birth cries, "Get your laws out of my uterus!" or "It's MY baby, MY birth, MY body!!" I'm screaming it. I'm screaming it to anybody that will listen. Are you?
3:48 AM
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Monday, July 21, 2008
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Freaking Amazing Lyrics
Current mood:  focused
New song by Alanis. It's beautiful and the lyrics are great.
Here. Read. Go forth and download. Listen.
I love this woman.
"Not As We"
Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we
9:46 PM
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Saturday, June 07, 2008
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Go Candi...it’s your birthday!!!
Current mood:  loved
I'm turning 30. Tomorrow. :)
(Side note here: I share my birthday with two wonderful and beautiful subscribers, Modern Primate and Neurotic Blogger. I hope your day makes you feel special and loved!)
Anyone who knows me knows that I love my birthdays. It doesn't bother me even a little to be getting older. I make a production out of it. I sing a song about it, and more often than not stretch celebrating my aging in this lifetime for a few days rather than simply the day I was born. This year is not different.
It started with my mom taking me to have my nails done as a treat. I went to the place where she has her nails done ever two weeks (at least). So she's on a first name basis with the peeps in the nail salon. The girl doing my nails, LeLe, chatted with me like she'd known me all her life. At one point she said, "we love your mom and she is so proud of you. That's why I feel like I know you. She talks about you constantly and we get all the updates." It made me smile and that smile meant more to me than the schmexy nails I walked away with.
I spent the rest of my evening with friends and my sweet husband, who incidentally on the advice of a friend did not treat me like an asshole even after I'd drank A LOT. :) I was surrounded by friends who have been in my life for years, and some who have been in my life a much shorter time. The whole combination has left me nostalgic and philosophical today. I've realized something, at the end of it all this is what it is about: having people who love you and know who you are. Or maybe I should say know who you are and love you anyway.
One of my closest friends gave me a birthday card with a coupon in it for me to choose my birthday celebration with her. All of the choices were so me. It made me smile to realize this person truly knows me. I shoved more of my lovely friends than not out of the respective comfort zones last night in one way or another. I seem to be good at that lately. Thing is, they let me. And they love me anyway. The let me because they love me. And that makes me a lucky girl.
I have learned over the past five years that we are never done growing. We never stop learning and with knowledge comes maturity. This is why 30 is no big deal to me. It kind of excites me actually. Knowing the things I have learned in the past five years, ten years, fifteen years, I'm pretty damn psyched to see what's around the next corner.
I'm off to spend the day with myself today. I'm pretty damn psyched about that too. :) Thanks for taking the time to read my random thoughts.
Happy Birthday to me!!!!! (& you...& you!)
11:39 AM
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Friday, May 30, 2008
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Thursday, May 22, 2008
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THE most important election
Current mood:  creative
Category: News and Politics
It's coming up. Realistically speaking, this truly is the most important presidential election in history. Our economy is in crisis and our country is at war. Everyone needs to vote, and do so responsibly. This means voting your conscience rather than your party.
Now I've said before that in the past election (and the one before) I didn't vote according to the issues. I voted the way I did because the other candidates were scarier to me than the one I voted for. This time however, I see two very capable candidates heading toward the election.
Today Ellen had Senator McCain on her show. It was interesting to say the least. They discussed the recent decision in California to overturn the ban on gay marriage. And she had him answer questions from the audience. Basically, the main issues he addressed were our military position and the oil crisis. He said he promised to bring our troops home with victory and honor, though he offered no timeline. And to the issue on the oil he expressed America's need to become independent of foreign oil sources.
The things I know that are important to me are what make me undecided in this election. I do believe in absolute freedom and equality, that includes all the major controversial issues. Morality should not be legislated. I also feel we do need to be independent of foreign energy sources and work *hastily* toward saving our environment. I think we need to remember that our president leads the world's largest military during his term, and for years now we have had active military forces in other countries. That means he is going to HAVE to know how to lead and military service can only benefit him. On the same hand, I feel it is time to bring our troops home in the safest way possible. I also wish we had a candidate working toward universal healthcare but I doubt we ever see that in America.
I have many more opinions as I'm sure you can guess. But this is a good overview. I'm not asking for you to tell me how to vote. BUT I would like your opinion. If you have decided who you will cast your vote for, share with me and tell me why. It's almost a sure thing the race will be between Obama and McCain, but if Hilary is your girl feel free to tell me that too and why.
These are NOT valid answers, so please don't waste any of our time with them:
1. I'm not voting b/c nobody's vote counts anyway. (This may be a valid viewpoint at times, but come on this is America and we can't fix what is wrong with Democracy if we don't make our voices heard.)
2. I vote Republican (Democrat) because I am Republican (Democrat). (This is irresponsible and your voting rights should be revoked.)
Also, please don't insult any other viewpoints expressed here. We are all entitled to our opinions and every opinion is a valid one. I learn from people who think differently from me, which is why I'm asking. :)
12:36 PM
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Saturday, April 26, 2008
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For those who know me personally...
Tikki, my mom's dog (mine until I left home) died yesterday. She just turned 14 this month.
Mom was holding her at the time. She's having a hard time dealing. Since a lot of my friends on here are personal friends who know my mom (and the dog lol) I thought you'd want to know.
6:02 PM
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Friday, April 25, 2008
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Yet another reason why I love this woman
Current mood:  accomplished
If I haven't said it before...Ani DiFranco kicks so much ass.
Although I believe I have.
Here's (yet another reason) why! Ani Q & A on Venus Zine
My favorite part:
In response to why she chose to have a homebirth and would she do so again...
"I would definitely choose a homebirth again despite the fear mongering of this patriarchal society, which convinces women that they are incapable of having babies without the intervention of men and their machines. I look at societies where women are marginalized and oppressed their whole lives (even covered head to toe in tarps!) but are still in control of birthing practice, in a whole new way now. I mean, who is really more advanced?"
I need her to be my baby mama...too bad somebody's got that covered.
9:57 AM
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Sunday, April 20, 2008
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Just to get something out
Current mood:  curious
After having weird dreams for two nights I had a seemingly unrelated thought process this morning. However, unrelated as it may be, I can't stop milling it around. I tend to think, at times like this, that if I keep going over it I will figure out the answer. That rarely happens. So I decided I would get it out so maybe I can at least stop milling it around.
Growing up I had a pretty good childhood. My parents were happily married. These were my perceptions.
I was nineteen before I found out any different. And it shattered my world for a very long time. I guess parts of it are still shattered. I felt like my whole life had been a lie to some degree. Now, today, I am wondering. They (my parents) felt as if they were doing their best for me by keeping the ugliness away from me. But eventually I was bound to find out the ugliness anyway. And when I did I think it was more damaging than if I had just lived through it and learned to accept it in the first place.
There is not point to this really. I just needed to active processing.
But if you do know why I've been dreaming about huge houses, let me know.
9:41 AM
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happy