Things to Do when You Know You are going to Fail an Exam

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."

34. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question __ moved you, deeply.

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.

37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if heshe did it.

42. Dress like the professor.

43. Cross-Dress.

44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

5:38 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

You Know You have been to Boarding School When

You've had clothes/underwear stolen

Mail has been a central facet in your life

You've been on a chaperoned shopping trip after the age of 12

You've had an inappropriate relationship with a member of staff

Your day revolves around lunch and supper

You've gotten excited about prospective parents days as the food will be good

You know what a social is

You kept on attending socials long after they were ever meant to be cool

You've hidden a member of the opposite sex in your room

You quickly discovered the joys of smoking stale Marlboro lights/John Player Special

You've attended a social with more teachers than students present

Toast and tea is a staple part of your diet

You've been threatened that skipping games is a serious punishable offense

You've bought/sold something on the school black market

You've stayed up all night running from dorm to dorm, house to house

You've watch most of the O.C/LOST/DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES on a laptop

You've ever hidden a lighter like it was worth more then a pound of cocaine

You feel closer with your friends from school then you do your own family

You've had to attend chapel, on Sunday, Tuesday and possibly Thursday

You know that the cross country track has better uses than for running round

Room spray and fabreeze are the only things that have kept you from being suspended on numerous occasions

You can disable a fire alarm or a fire door

You know when you housemistress/master goes to bed

You've been checked in every night, by someone who isn't your parent
Staff gossip is worth more than your life.

The water bottles on your shelf may not actually contain water.....light rum? vodka? everclear? gin? the possibilities could be endless

You have become very creative when hiding things

You know where the communion wine is hidden

You've fought over the t.v remote in the common room

When taking a walk through school, you may at any time be armed with any number of the following:
gum, wearing a hoodie even during the hottest of days, cigarettes hidden artfully in the hoodie, a scent concealing spray, weed, alcohol, enough clothes under your hoodie so you can change and not be cold

You've ever considered stealing sweets from the tuck shop

Your friends have spoken to a member of staff pretending to be your parent

You've faked parental consent

You have smoked with a teacher/cleaning staff in the staff smoking room

You and your friends have dated the same person/s

You've been told that NOT turning someone in is just as bad as doing the crime yourself and that they are not angry but disappointed with you.

You know that the nurses/matrons are very good people to manipulate

You've gotten out of class for long periods of time because the nurses/matrons like you

You've been through all the fads

You've had a relationship with the opposite sex that relied on the phone, internet, and socials...and made it work

You've never had a snow day, ever and you don't even get bank holidays

You've ever been told that wearing a collared shirt is essential to learning....or been sent back because what you are wearing is inappropriate

You've caught your self trying to convince a group of non-boarding schoolers that going to the movies and eating dinner chaperoned with a small group of people of the same sex, is actually just as fun as a house party, and much more uplifting.

You've tried to get round the blocked internet sites

You've attended Saturday school

You've hooked up in any of the following and thought it was normal:
1. photo lab
2. Empty classroom
3. The woods
4. Golf course
5. and the best of all: chapel
You've spread a rumor just to see how fast it would go round
You've questioned your sexuality
You've lost all childhood innocence
You were so glad to leave.....but felt sort of empty when you left

5:35 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

My Dowling Experience (Director Cut)

Ok so anyway I posted this blog and for some reason it got deleted, so I was searching through my files and I found it (I didn't know I had saved it) so anyway here it is, written at 12:17am on the 20/1/2007) Then exactly 3 months later I decided to re-delve (if that's a word) back into that fiasco.

My DOWLING SHIELD experience (it's like the level below state) (I'm too Depressed to speak about it so instead I will write it)

Well its 12:17pm I am feeling depressed (over Dowling) and lonely (what do you think you retard who is online now at this time). Yeah so anyway let's start at the beginning my Hatch Team (Elsternwick, I HATE U GUYS SO BAD, well lets rephrase that, I hate about 95% of you guys the rest, well your ok, BTW when I mean hate I mean not the club just the hatch team) we made the Grand Final. But for me it was one of the worst cricket experiences of my life. I started off well with 3-8 off 9 (Two other catches were put down off my bowling THANKS VOYAGE you Prick, that was during that time we really hated each others guts, remember that fight we had the next day, but anyway all good now, after that catch I dropped off your bowling the week after I have kept my mouth shut). But yeah anyway 3-8 off 9 right pretty good effort in the first match against at team the made the semis last year, So I got home feeling rather buoyed by my Stirling efforts, feeling quite justifiably that I was going to be the star or at least one of the star bowlers for my team, well it turned out my efforts weren't good enough for Coops (my dick head of a coach). So I was dropped for the next two matches against two of the strongest teams in the league. So fast-forward a few weeks and our team is in the final I have taken another four wickets and my economy rate is 2.13, so feeling pretty confident for a spot in the final. Well no I was dropped for someone who bats worse than me (I thought that was impossible) and had taken less wickets and his economy rate was above 4 an over. Well needless to say we went on to lose the match (Surprise Surprise, hehehe).

Fast-forward another 8 months and it's time for the Dowling invitations to go out, everyone who played in my Hatch team who qualifies for Dowling is invited (even the people who played the year before but gave up after they had a very little go in the team were put up), well when I say everyone I tell you a lie, the truth is that I wasn't put up, the only one who wasn't put up, (FUCK U COOPS!!!!!).

Well since my sisters play state and all that shit below it (i.e. State Champs and U/15 all boys may I add) they know our regional manager really well, so he saw me bowl  one day and asked me why I wasn't at the Dowling tryouts? I told him I didn't get an invite; well anyway on the spot he invited me.

Just like going off topic it doesn't feel that good having two twin 12 year old sisters who play state U/15's one opens the bowling the other bowls at first drop (she is a spinner) and then they bat at three and four. Oh yeah did I mention they still have another year in the state team. Then they have a brother who taught them how to play, who plays a level below them. Needless to say the old "Hey Cannon how does it feel to have two sisters who are better than you at cricket" line more times than I have had bad dinners (which may I add is a sum longer than the decimals go to in PIE).

So Yeah after the two trial matches I came through looking like their main spearhead bowler, If I don't say so myself. But I was. Took 4 wickets for Jack all runs, bowled 24 dot balls in a row to our Vice-Captain who is in the national team. May I say I rivalled you Bettsy in the arrogance stakes for the week preceding that escapade?

So we come to the first game the match is poised at 1-60 when I come on at 1st drop. I am very nervous, what unfolds in this first match is horrific (screw 9/11 or the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Iraq, Vietnam and both World Wars Combined) this was far worse. I bowl one over and one over only it turns out to be one of the worst in my life. I am hit for 12 off it and promptly taken off not to bowl again in the match. It turns out the guy who hit me everywhere was some Alex Keath guy who is going to my school (Fuck, Fuck, I am going to cop this for weeks). Behind Bettsy and Mozza he is the one person I would like the least to hit me and the one I would like to get out. In the match we made 180 and bowled them out for 120 (taking the last 8 wickets for 30 runs).

In the second match I went for 5.5 an over, still FUCKING SHIT but better, I was bowling like bloody Brookes, and that's saying something. I hereby apologise to the batsman I bowled to on this day (probably my worst performance ever, excluding club cricket where I couldn't give a toss and obviously the day before). We scored 340 in 50 overs (After 15 overs we were on 150-1 fair effort I have to say) the one positive I can get out of this match was that I wasn't as expensive as the two spinner from the other side. We then bowled them out for 180 (My bowling adding significantly to their score). All I remember about that day was the heat (All 42 Degrees of it), the picture of our team singing in the change rooms was taken on that day, you can see how bloody exhausted we were, and we only fielded for 34 overs. I remember after I bowled (I am using that word abit to loosely, more like released a ball and prayed it didn't land half way down the pitch) I went off and had a shower for about ten minutes and drowned my sorrows using the only readily available drink, that being the weakest PowerAde known to man.

Like seriously how can I bowl so badly, I have taken 8/8 6/30 5/4 off ten, six 4 wicket hauls, had an average off 3.9 after ten matches for the MGS 8A's, had a strike rate of 9 in the same year. What I am trying to say is that I am actually a good bowler, but looking at my Dowling performance I just played the worst cricket of my life, it wasn't that I wasn't up to the standard, it was just that I wasn't playing anywhere near of what I was capable off.

Then we went to play the North West Wizards, I came on and bowled 5 overs at 3 an over and this was at the death so I was FUCKING STOKED. I got my first wicket of the series (About fucking time Cannon you cunt) it was a ball that pitched short of a length so the guy went back to play at it, it hit something and stayed down really low, it hit the guys pads and was given LBW, I being the person I am said I bowled a flipper (I cant believe they fell for that, but again, when half your team goes to East Bentleigh Secondary College I can understand why). I was then dropped twice (FUCK, FUCK, FUCKEDY, FUCK) both sitters. I wasn't very happy. We raped those guys also. I chipped in with the bat scoring a golden duck. I have never been sledged so much in my life (they all knew me because they asked one of our openers if I was going to bat at the start of the match). When I went out I was practically given a guard of honour. I took guard and then told point that we had changed around the batting order and I normally was the opener, he practically pissed his pants he was laughing so much, but anyway, In what felt like an eternity later the filthy red nut bowled a half volley, me being the superstar batsman that I am went back to it and was given out LBW (it couldn't get more plum) but being the batsman that I am told everyone that the umpire was a complete retard and of course it wasn't out.

So yeah Quarter Finals time, I bowled three overs none for nine (I was dropped again by Ben Cunningham, CUNT!!, Why don't you go and hang out with your friends and pretend you are drunk again, you had a red bull mate not 10 beers). Then that was the end of the match. We rolled the opposition for like jack all. I was hitting my straps, and my orgasmic groan was hitting Sharapova like noise (always a good sign) and also my really stupid un-intimidating stare (my sisters think I am trying to do a Zoolander "Blue Steel" impersonation when I do my stare at the batsman) was hitting new levels much to the enjoyment of both teams. When we came back into the dressing rooms after our match we were greeted by both our umpires towing themselves naked it was enough to scar me for life. I especially feel sorry for Rowan who was sitting at an awkward height and an extremely awkward distance from one of our umpires.

Then we move on too the Semis, None of our spinners bowled on the biggest road you will see, also another reason why the spinners bowled was the overs were reduced drastically (30 odd a side) so we weren't required (Bastard of a Captain, lol). Then we went off and went to this place called the waves swimming centre, I have fond memories of that place as I almost broke my back their six years previously, falling down a set of concrete steps. We played an in the water version of Jack in the Pack with a tennis ball, needless to say it was the only thing I shone at all carnival, I got so good it turned more into a bash up W.R. Cannon session, where I defiantly did come out on top, all good fun though,

So yeah we are now in the finals we should rape our opponents, If Betsy's team can smash them, we should hit them out of this park and send the Barwon Rockets back to where they belong (wherever that may be, but defiantly not on a cricket field).

So yeah it's getting late and my fingers are feeling tired. Congrats for reading all of this good effort!!!! Now don't ask me about it at school now!!!

For the record we won the Gran Final quite easily, I was about to be brought on to bowl in the middle section then the spinner at the other end was hit for 18 off an over so they decided not to bring me on instead they brought on a pace bowler who got like a million wickets, so good move. Although the Dowling experience was shit I still somehow managed to improve, I went back to school and bowled 10 overs 7 maidens 5 for 4, the only bad thing about that performance was that when I was on a hat-trick I bowled a gentle (even by my standards, witch is like ridiculously slow for U/10's) waist height full toss.

I need to write 10 more words to reach 2,000 Words.

Well there I go.

Cheers,

William Robert Cannon,  23/4/2007 11:10PM, Lying in Bed.

9:25 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

The Facts on Sex, for all you sickos out there
Current mood: artistic

94 Percent of men lie about their penis size.
According to condom manufacturers, only 6 percent of
men use extra large condoms.
 The average man is 5 inches long when erect
(no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the
truth).
3) 80 percent of American men are circumsized. Even
though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.
4) There is no correlation between penis size and
shoe size, hand size, or nose size.
5) Blue balls is  technically
called "prostatic congestion."
6) Only 34 percent of men shave their privates.

Some stuff about the girlies

------------------------------
1) Only 9 percent of women around the globe consider
themselves "attractive" (20 percent British women
do).
43 percent of women use the term "natural", 24 say
they have "average" looks, 8 pefcnet refer the
term "feminine", 7 say they are "good looking",
and 7 say they are "cute", and finally only 2 percent of
women say they are "sexy".
2) An estimated 85 percent of women wear the wrong
size bra.
3) 60 percent of women have had breast implants.
4) 54 percent women dont like oral sex
5) 89 percent women shave their privates.

Because sex can be good for everyone :)

30 percent of women over the age of 80 still have sexual intercourse either with their spouse or boyfriends.

Its illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada.

More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month

A mans penis not only shrinks during cold weather but also from nonsexual excitement

Today, Japan leads the world in condom use. Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door, by women.

Wyomings Grand Tetons mountain range literally means Big Tits.

In the original Grimm fairly tale of 'Sleeping Beauty', the Prince rapes her while she sleeps and then leaves before she wakes up.


The word 'gymnasium' comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means to exercise naked, which often was done in ancient Greece.

White women and those women with a college degree, when asked said they were more receptive to anal sex than women without college educations.

The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex than high school dropouts.

About 6 percent of the adult female population are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation.

60 percent of women say they did not enjoy sex their first time.

14 percent of males said that they did not enjoy sex the first time.

Its illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

The Romans would crush a first time rapists gonads between two stones.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, its against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.

In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

The chimpanzee holds the record for the quickest mammal sexual intercourse session at an average of three seconds.

Most turkeys and giraffes are bisexual.

An adult gorilla's penis is only two inches long.

The penis of a dragonfly is shaped like a shovel, and has the ability to scoop out a male rivals semen

The word pornography comes from the Greek meaning the writings of prostitutes.

In Ancient Greece, women would expose their vaginas to ward off storms at sea.

In ancient Greece and Rome, dildos were made out of animal horns, gold, silver, ivory and glass.

While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection

The penguin only has one single orgasm in a year.

The rhinoceros has a penis about two feet long

A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation

Cleopatra invented her own diaphragm from camel's poop.

The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.

It takes a sperm one hour to swim seven inches.

The most successful X-rated movie of all time is 'Deep Throat'. It cost approximately $25,000 to make (according to the FBI) and has earned more than $600 million dollars.

Napoleon's penis was sold to an American Urologist for $40,000

Oneirogmophobia is the fear of wet dreams.

According to the Kinsey Institute, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.

Seventy percent of women would rather have chocolate than sex.

One of the reasons male deer rub their antlers on a tree or the ground is to masturbate.

Approximately one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.

Human testicles can increase in size by 50 Percent When a Man is Aroused. 

A buckle bunny is a woman who goes to rodeos with the intent of having sex with a rodeo cowboy.

The practice of autoerotic asphyxiation (temporarily suffocating or strangling yourself while masturbating) takes the lives of 250 to a thousand people each year.

The first public strip-tease dance was performed in Paris in 1894.

A parthenologist is someone who specializes in the study of virgins and virginity.

In Newcastle, Wyoming, an ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing in a stores walk-in meat freezer.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.