Repost as a reminder
Category: Friends

I decided to repost this. The author Inkie hasn't been on MySpazz in almost 2 years now that I know of, and it was originally pasted here with her permission as a precursor to my blog. I read this at about 1:30 in the morning, and started thinking about how many people don't understand abuse from the victims perspective.

Take a moment if you know Missie, and tell her that I miss our conversations, and I miss Nathan. Hopefully she is doing well, and if not, I want to hear that too.


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silent tears i keep inside
holding my smile to protect my pride
my soul burns away leaving ashes of sin
i live a life that's been tainted by him

the scars are obvious, my flesh defiled
i've come so far, and was never a child
corruption becomes me, i'm no longer complete
i look in the mirror and accept my defeat

my body screams from his phantom touch
rough hands on my skin, i remember to much
there's blood on my clothes and eyes filled with shame
hatred flows deeper with no one to blame

dirty fingertips leave marks on my skin
a corrupted soul keeps it locked within
this distorted mirror it just can't really be
because the image looking back is no longer me


his filth traces my every outline
i can feel the pain but this body's not mine
there's blood on my clothes and dirt on my face
i close my eyes and cry in disgrace

he becomes my nightmare and i'm never awake
he's a part of me and every breath i take
my life becomes a torturous sin
because everything i am has been tainted by him

my skin so sore from greedy hands
to get away i never have a chance
the anxiety holds and never let's go
but shame filled tears i'll never show

i can feel dirty hands leave shadows of pain
and he leaves me here with no one to blame
there's blood on my clothes and never an escape
he's a part of me and i'm part of the rape

As I sit here unable to sleep, I think about the fact that my girls are getting older, and soon will have to worry about things like this happening to them. Even had this been fiction, many people have to deal with this every day. Unacceptable behaviour in individuals happens more often than we like to admit, and because of many changes which have taken place over the last few decades, this sort of behaviour is becoming more commonplace.

I don't want my girls to have this sort of problem, but at the same time, if they do, I want them to know that they can always talk to someone here who is willing to listen. People say that we are becoming more like the europeans, and less offended by sexual topics, but in actuality, the younger generations are becoming so jaded to explicit subject matter, nothing is taboo. Rape, the subject of Inkie's blog is not something that people should ever be a participant in, nor should it be paraded in front of others as an acceptable behaviour.

I don't write much anymore, because I have too many other things going through my head, so I'm sorry if this isn't very coherent. Please think about the people who live life daily dealing with the after effects of rape. Many feel they are to blame, and still more feel that if they come forward, they will be viewed as the cause. This is not true, although many people do fall into this trap. If you are raped, you are a victim. You did not ask for it, and how you look, while it may have been why the person chose you, was not provoking them. These sick individuals are chosing their victims on their own criteria, and you will never be able to turn off your appeal to some of them.

Currently listening : Imagine By John Lennon Release date: 2000-04-11

3:35 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

What in the world is wrong with us?
Current mood: pensive
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I've noticed lately that people aren't showing the same connections to each other that they were even six months ago. I freely admit that I am one of them, but that doesn't lead me to understand what has changed. I had a few ideas, but none of them alone seem to be the answer, at least not in my case.

1. "Changes at work have made life a living hell around here." Notice that people are bitching more about work and how things there are affecting their outside lives? I know in my case, the boss has been pissing & moaning for months that he has no money, but still manages to spend $4200 on a new bike. Yes, that is bicycle not motorcycle. Other things, oh say like not being allowed to do my job in an effective way may be contributing to that attitude in me, but again, I'm not everyone, and we haven't all gotten ripped apart at work, right?

2. "The recession is causing people to dissociate." I can't agree with this one at all. A recession forges closer bonds between individuals as they don't know how long lines of communication are going to be open. I know that in my case, I have been calling friends more, and attempting to get back in contact with others. I have on the other hand been less in touch with my family, and have been suffering from "short-fuse-itis."

3. "Gas prices are out of control." While I can understand that oil is at an all time high per barrel right now, how exactly does that affect gas prices today? Given the reserves the oil companies carry, we shouldn't be getting to this $100 per barrel crap for at least 5 years. And as for diesel fuel, how is it that a byproduct of gasoline production (at a 2:1 production ratio) is more expensive that unleaded? But still, how exactly does this affect interpersonal relationships?

4. "America is becoming a 'Godless' country." Hmmm, for those of you who have ever read one of my blogs, I think you know my opinion on this one. But suffice it to say that I am not "Godless," I just choose not to believe in your god. I am perfectly happy with mine, and let's face it, moral dilemmas are moral dilemmas whether I believe in your god or not.

I can't begin to explain what is going on, but I sure would love to be able to. What are your thoughts?

11:08 PM - 14 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Another talk about abuse..
Current mood: Introspective
Category: Introspective Life

So, it's time to talk about abuse again since Pop Goes the Girl wrote this blog about something she was witness to today.

Children as is the case in what Pop witnessed do not always have the means to explain coherently what they are worried about or afraid of.  The crying could have been because he was being ignored by one or both of his parents at the time, or almost anything else. 

Remember, children have a more tuned sense of emotions than adults do, because many times they are unable to express verbally what is affecting them.  They tune into every nuance of the behaviours around them, and it helps them read the world's attitude.  Adults tend to be less in tune with emotional energy and nuance as they are able to express themselves and understand the emotions of those around them from the spoken word.

I know that although I do try not to abuse my children emotionally that it does sometimes happen, probably more often than I realize, but adult conversation and emotional discourse is often so far beyond a childs ability to grasp that it changes their outlook one small piece at a time.  I do not physically or sexually abuse anyone.  I never have, and I never will.  I went through the physical abuse as a child, and would not wish the experience on anyone. 

As far as sexual abuse goes, sex and sexual situations need to be between consenting individuals with the capacity to understand the physical and emotional impacts.  This is not to say that those are the only goals to strive for in a sexual relationship, but that they are the base from which you should build. 

I wrote this to have people read what Pop had to say in her blog, and to get them thinking again.  It has been eight months since I have seen a great blog about abuse, and hers was one.  If you have been reading previously, you know that I quoted Inkie with permission for one of my blogs.  I wish I could talk to her again, because the insight she showed as a survivor of the abuse she suffered was amazing.  I continually work on not responding to Good & Evil the way my parents did to me, I hope I succeed, but I fear every day that I will not.

Take the time, address issues like what Pop witnessed.  Draw attention to it, force it into people's awareness.  The more we expose, the easier it is to control and retrain our behaviours.

Currently listening : Teenage Wasteland By Pinboys Release date: 16 July, 2007

7:17 PM - 4 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

What's going on with Good
Current mood: worried

Well, some of you know from reading The Hawaiian's bulletin that Good has a seizure on Saturday night at about 10:45.  For the rest of you, she came out of her room at about 10:45 and wanted to ask us a question, but was totally incoherent.  As she tried to concentrate on what was going on and what she wanted to ask, she became agitated and started losing muscular control.

Because of her past history of BMD (Benign Movement Disorder), from the drugs her birth mother did while she was pregnant, we called the nurse line at our Dr.'s office.  They told us to take her to the ER to be checked out.  Dr. Koh (who has seen her before) didn't want to do an EEG or CATscan at the time, but did want us to follow up with her pediatrician as soon as possible.  Our family Dr. who I have know for 19 years now, told us that it was most definitely a seizure and put her on an anti-convulsant until we can get the EEG, a neurology consult and possibly a CATscan done. 

Evil just stopped with the BMD earlier this year, and we hoped to be done with all this mess, but it appears not.  Hopefully this was just an anomaly, and things are going to be normal for the time being.  Unfortunately, this means a whole lot more visits to doctors over the next few weeks, and less time to get things done around here.  One of us will let you know what's going on..

Currently playing : Safecracker (Tin DVD Case) Release date: 27 July, 2006

6:47 PM - 4 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

I am the Anti-Christ
Current mood: giddy
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I had to take a moment, because as I was looking through New Advent (a catholic encyclopaedia), I found this...

"They went out from us, but they were not of us" (1 John 2;19); "Who is a liar, but he who denies that Jesus is the Christ? This is Antichrist, who denies the Father, and the Son" (1 John 2:22); "And every spirit that dissolveth Jesus, is not of God; and this is Antichrist" (1 John 4:3).

Isn't this fun?  I know you all aren't the anti-christ like I am, but for those who join me in this..

Enjoy you evening!

Currently listening : Combat Rock By The Clash Release date: 25 January, 2000

4:29 PM - 27 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Good & Evil
Current mood: calm
Category: Life

So, for a while now I have been told that I need to post more. Here it is…

Currently listening : Essential Janis Joplin By Janis Joplin Release date: 14 January, 2003

7:36 PM - 10 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Pimped and tagged.. what a combination!
Current mood: awake
Category: Blogging

I have been tagged (for only the second time). But.. I'm not upset.. Because it was but it was a friend that I write some of my blogs for, so because of Inkie, my second most favorite Mommy, here we go.

The rules:

1.  Try to only name a blogger one time on this tag.

2.  Everyone you list on your blog tag categories are "tagged"

3.  Tag 10 other people... Why 10?  It's Richelle's favorite number! (thank goodness it wasn't any higher!)  If you can't think of 10, it's OK, just do the tag anyway!

Name the blogger you've been subscribed to the longest:

Pussy Galore, who wrote about Respecting the Vagina which caught my attention.

The Blogger who makes you Laugh:

Le Bean, who makes me feel so much better about poo... even if she did post a picture of one that looked just like a cat..

The Blogger that touches your heart and makes you think:

Formerly known as Psycho Bitch, now known as Michelle, the one person I feel has grown up the most since I started reading her, and truly an interesting person to talk to.

The Blogger I stalk the most:

KeMari, the woman I love to give a hard time to..

The Blogger who stalks my blog the most:

Sara, the poor girl in Alaska who can't seem to download anything anymore because they still pay for internet access by the KB.. Sheesh, what a load of crap that is!

The Most Random Topic Blogger:

OpieJudy, she spends her blogs talking about the most random crap I have ever seen.  I love to read them, but she really needs to spend more time on here now..

The Most Warm and Fuzzy Blogger I read:

Inkie, this woman is a one person tear jerker for most of her blogs.  But hearing about Nathan almost every day is so damned fun. 

The Blogger I wish would write more:

Angel, who many of you will never read, I love her writing, because we have so many of the same opinions.  Besides, she is from NY, so she can say anything.. right?

The Bloggers I'd like to meet in person some day:

Teacher With A 'Tude.. oh wait, this already happened!  BTW, I have you book in my truck.  I need to get it back to you!

A Blogger I've never Pimped before:

I've never really pimped anyone, I just tend to talk about people I like.  Although I did once repost a piece done by Inkie because it got me to thinking.

Now I'm supposed to tag 10 people. Wow. Ok. I'll tag some, and if I didn't tag you, but you want to do it. Then you can say I tagged you.

Cuddly Kitty of Chaos

Maurice

Bizznich Goddess

Mikala Merriness

Ravnostic

Currently listening : Imagine By John Lennon Release date: 11 April, 2000

10:47 PM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Why does abuse happen?
Current mood: crazy
Category: Dizzy Life

As I sit here thinking about the last blog I wrote, and the people who responded, I realized that these are not the only people I know who have experienced these problems.  At least 5 of MyFriends have had rape issues either as children or adults.  Now, if I take in my real life friends, the number grows exponentially.  I do not however want to single out rape as a problem.  The issue is abuse as a whole.

Physical abuse is common, and most people ignore it, because "It's just parents disciplining their children," and kids are over reacting.  This is definitely not the case.  Even in looking back at my own life, I realize that getting a beating for not bringing home a straight A report card, or practicing piano/guitar/clarinet/saxophone/trumpet/etc. a half hour each was a little ridiculous.  (By the time I graduated I played 13 instruments)  Unfortunately, even adults are victims of this.  Not just women, but men too.  The problem is that this is a learned behaviour, and it is difficult to break patterns. 

Emotional abuse is actually the most pervasive of them all, and people tend to not realize they are doing it at all.  Many people do this once in a while, and don't even realize they are doing it.  It involves yelling at your children, spouse or friends to express yourself.  It also includes putting people down continuously, or going out of your way to "get under someone's skin."  This behaviour is also learned, but with a little attention to inflection, it is easy to break out of this rut. 

Probably the most devastating to the victim is sexual abuse.  It results in people feeling unclean, as if they are at fault, and that there is something wrong with them.  Unfortunately, people do not normally seek counseling or speak to others about this abuse.  Internalizing your pain can result in many things, including suicide, depression, or nervous breakdowns.  The media glamourizes this behaviour by showing it on TV, and sensationalizing it on the news.  This doesn't help the victims, it promotes the abuser.  It shows that society as a whole finds their behaviour acceptable (because it is shown on popular TV shows), and that it is a way to be come famous. 

Unfortunately, abuse will probably always be with us.  All we can do it take the time to make sure we are treating people with respect, and listening to their words, not what we perceive as their wants or needs.  We also need to look to the victims for more information.  They can tell us a lot about the abusers, and the abuse they suffered.  For those who can not understand (such as the mentally handicapped), we need to protect them as much as the victims.  Many of them do not have the mental capacity to understand that their behaviour is wrong, and that children who they have the same mentality as, are not ready for a relationship of this type. 

Take the time to think about your actions, and notice reactions.  Stop the abuse in your own life. 

Currently listening : Imagine By John Lennon Release date: 11 April, 2000

4:10 PM - 10 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

A frightening subject examined from the victims perspective..
Current mood: listless
Category: Blogging

I am sitting here in a quiet house as Good & Evil have been in bed for hours.  Tonight I read something in Inkies blog that hits very close to home, and I wanted you all to take a minute to read it. (Missie reminded me that her profile is private, so I am pasting a copy of it here with her permission)

As I sit here unable to sleep,  I think about the fact that my girls are getting older, and soon will have to worry about things like this happening to them.  Even had this been fiction, many people have to deal with this every day.  Unacceptable behaviour in individuals happens more often than we like to admit, and because of many changes which have taken place over the last few decades, this sort of behaviour is becoming more commonplace. 

I don't want my girls to have this sort of problem, but at the same time, if they do, I want them to know that they can always talk to someone here who is willing to listen.  People say that we are becoming more like the europeans, and less offended by sexual topics, but in actuality, the younger generations are becoming so jaded to explicit subject matter, nothing is taboo.  Rape, the subject of Inkie's blog is not something that people should ever be a participant in, nor should it be paraded in front of others as an acceptable behaviour. 

I don't write much anymore, because I have too many other things going through my head, so I'm sorry if this isn't very coherent.  Please think about the people who live life daily dealing with the after effects of rape.  Many feel they are to blame, and still more feel that if they come forward, they will be viewed as the cause.  This is not true, although many people do fall into this trap.  If you are raped, you are a victim.  You did not ask for it, and how you look, while it may have been why the person chose you, was not provoking them.  These sick individuals are chosing their victims on their own criteria, and you will never be able to turn off your appeal to some of them. 

Currently listening : Skin and Bones By Foo Fighters Release date: 07 November, 2006

1:30 AM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Plase & Thank you..
Category: Life

Almost 40 years ago in the Summer of Love many people in this country chose to follow their own hearts and beliefs.  This resulted in and continues to advance a decline in attendance at church services nationwide. 

The older generations (Baby Boomers and older) blame this for the decline in our "civilization" and the discontinuation of manners being offered by children.  While in some cases, where the parents just don't care and try to be their child's best friend, this may be true, but for the most part I have lately noticed that many of the children in our area (a poor neighborhood no less) have better manners than people ten years older than them.  They hold doors for people, say please, thank you and you're welcome. 

How exactly is this a decline?  OK, they are tattooed and pierced in places that the older generations wouldn't think of, but hey, at least they are showing the older generations that we aren't all a bunch of pitiful excuses for human beings.

Funny isn't it how things like manners tend to go in cycles.  My parents were Baby Boomers, and the manners they taught me I am now passing on to my children.  The children 10 years ago were the children and grand-children of the hippies, and they seem so apathetic that things like manners don't matter. 

What ever the case may actually be, thank you my readers for taking the time to look at my randomness.  I'll get back to the religious blogs soon.  I owe my friend CJ one for the way he was treated.  Matter of fact, since I have the time right now, I may just post it tonight!

Currently listening : Please By Pet Shop Boys Release date: 02 May, 1986

5:00 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment