Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 45
Sign: Aries
City: West Orange
State: New Jersey
Country: US
Signup Date:
03/03/07
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Blog Archive
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July 18, 2008 - Friday
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10:50 AM - is this 486-5731 ?
Category: Life
Riiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?'
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy,That dad's car just pulled into the driveway'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?' He asked.
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? .
Is this 486-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
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July 14, 2008 - Monday
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10:31 PM - another blonde joke :o)
Current mood:  relaxed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said,
'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,
'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
After a time, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already", the startled husband asked.
"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
"And by the way", 'the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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10:45 PM - Signs and more signs
Category: Life
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.' ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: Time Wounds All Heels. ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels ************************** At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit, please back in. ************************** On a Plumber's truck: We Repair What Your Husband Fixed ************************** On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber! ************************** On a Church's Billboard: 7 days without God makes one weak. ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. ************************** At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows. ************************** On an Electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. ************************** On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push! ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff. ************************** On a Fence: Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive! ************************** At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary; We hear you coming. ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! ************************** At the Electric Company We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be. ************************** In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up. ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully! We'll wait... ************************** At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills. ************************** And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: Best place in town to take a leak
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July 11, 2008 - Friday
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2:28 PM - There’s something wrong - punditkitchen.com
Current mood:  animated
Category: Art and Photography
http://punditkitchen.com/2008/07/11/political-pict...
more election and news pics
I love these pictures. The I can has cheezburger site has links to a few other sites from its icanhascheezburger.com (funny pics, moslty cat:) site like icanhasahotdog.com (mostly dog pics), punditkitchen.com (political humor), graphjam.com(charts&graphs) and failblog.com with other funnies :o)
see more pwn and owned pictures
more graph humor and song chart memes
see more dog pictures
more cat pictures
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Currently
reading
:
Pepperonis on My Pizza
By
Susan Forbes
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2 Comments - 2 Kudos
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July 6, 2008 - Sunday
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8:30 AM - Amazing Technology from Japan
Current mood:  amorous
Category: Art and Photography
Amazing Technology from Japan
 Look closely and guess what they could be...
Are they pens with cameras?
Any wild guesses? No clue yet?
Ladies and gentlemen... congratulations! You've just looked into the future... yep that's right! You've just seen something that will replace your PC in the near future.
In the revolution of miniature computers, scientists have made great developments with bluetooth technology... This is the forthcoming computers you can carry within your pockets.
This "pen sort of instrument" produces both the monitor as well as the keyboard on any flat surfaces from where you can carry out functions you would normally do on your desktop computer..
Can anyone say, "Good-bye laptops!"
7 Comments - 8 Kudos
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July 1, 2008 - Tuesday
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2:30 PM - 1-2-3-Four
Category: Romance and Relationships
1-2-3-Four
On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you will be able to perform as long as you want.'
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'
'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. '
I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
 more cat pictures
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June 29, 2008 - Sunday
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5:33 PM - A Blonde in Church
Category: Religion and Philosophy
A Blond in Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from
God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 see more dog pictures
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June 27, 2008 - Friday
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12:34 PM - Very Punny :o)
The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:
1 . A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger. "
2 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3 .. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies ,"Yes, I'm positive."
5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption .. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close . Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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June 17, 2008 - Tuesday
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7:59 PM - A few good ones :o) Thanks Sunshine :o)
Current mood:  awake
Category: Travel and Places
What's in a name?
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer"
Anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Train Ride
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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June 15, 2008 - Sunday
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5:45 PM - Handling Stress
Category: Quiz/Survey
Are the patterns moving?
Or are they perfectly still??
The patterns are used to test the level of stress a person can handle.
The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.
Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly.
However, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.
None of these images are animated - they are perfectly still.
If you did NOT see any movement in the patterns, look closely at the following photo.?
Senior citizens ... if you don't see movement in this photo, Call an Ambulance.
Going to the Dentist
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'
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June 12, 2008 - Thursday
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8:55 AM - Kids
Category: Religion and Philosophy
The 12 Opossums
The following is from a lady in Oregon . It is priceless! The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper And ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. ! sp;In c ase you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with his complete overview of the Bible , compiled from their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, Darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I Think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a Light!' And someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and Made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or somethin g.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 Porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
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