Part of something bigger

Waiting For the Bus

        The curb was hot on my butt from the summer sun as I unceremoniously plopped my bag on the ground next to my feet and sat. I examined my toenails for a long time, pretending he wasn't there. I had painted each foot a different color, and I wiggled them alternately back and forth: blue foot, green foot, blue foot, green foot.
        Suddenly, he emitted a squeak louder than his normal muttering, and I was forced to look up. The first thing I noted was not his feet dancing wildly about in his cream-colored Chuck Taylors, nor his pale, boney arms flailing crazily about, so pale they were bluish - it was his hair. I always noticed his hair first – it was the thing that irritated me most. Brown chunks of it stuck up in all directions across the top of his head. In the back, one stray curl flipped up and out while the rest curled shaggily underneath. I longed to reach out and smooth it with my hands, but I knew if I did, the arms would inevitably fly up and begin slapping at my hands, while he exerted a noise repetitiously that was more than a squawk but not altogether a yell. A yelp?
        I ground my sandals into the gravel and sat on my hands. Holding my tongue for the moment, I watched him in horrific fascination. His shirt, never properly tucked in (although he refused to wear it out), came even more undone as he hopped up and down. He didn't hop continuously or rhythmically. The jolts seemed random. He would remain steady on the ground for minutes at a time, with only his face and hands moving, creating the game he was playing with himself. Then, a thought would strike him or perhaps it was for some sort of emphasis, or maybe it was even something physiological – whatever the reason, he would spasmodically "pop" into the air with unaccounted for emotion, and then continue on with the concentrated rattling about of his hands as if nothing had occurred.
        Today, they were two ninjas fighting. The fingers on his grubby hands made little arms and legs and their "bodies" crashed into each other in a comic violence usually found funniest by boys around the ages of 6-12. As the ninjas battled, his mouth formed the necessary onomatopoeias. Various "pows", "biffs" and "bams" escaped his lips like word bubbles from an old episode of Batman, along with little crashing and smacking noises he made with the spit in the back of his throat. He shoved his hand ninjas directly in front of his face as he squinted at them through one pale blue sphere. It was as if the closer he could bring the game to his face, the further away went the rest of the world. Which, was obviously the way he wanted it.
        I couldn't take it anymore. Someone could be watching. What if they told someone? What if other kids found out he was my brother? Why did he have to be like this? No one else behaves this way.
        "What are you doing?" I demanded, jumping to my feet. The hands stopped fighting and the shoes stopped dancing.
        "Who me?" he asked, as if there were someone else waiting for the bus with me. "Nothing."
        That was the answer. Nothing. It was just nothing.
        I heard the familiar rumbling and stooped to pick up my bag.
        "C'mon, the bus is here," I said.
        "I can see the bus is here," he retorted. I looked up just in time to see him wipe snot that had been running from his nose on the back of his already dirty hand as he concluded, "I'm not a total idiot, ya know."

11:12 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It really is good.

I was thinking about Andi Smith today and it made me crave ham.  So, I bought some.

2:53 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

$25 richer

    I drove to Corpus to do an open mic only to find out it was a contest, which I ended up winning.  I'm trying to figure out how to use this as a credit for this weekend.  "Winner of the Funniest Person In Corpus Christi  - that night!"

That being said, come see me, Dave Evans and Jay Lafarr at the Velveeta room this weekend.  Friday and Saturday @ 9:30 and 11:30.

It really will be quite good.  Really.

1:44 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dallas bound

    I'm leaving to go to Dallas for a week or so.  Sees ya later.

10:16 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Ethical Question

I really would like some feedback from other comics on this.

I posted a blog with a joke that came from a conversation I had with another comic over a year ago.  It was never a bit he did on stage, it was just something ironic that he pointed out to me.  I even asked him if he was gonna use it and he never did.

I took the ironic situation he pointed out and I wrote my own punchline and I wrote it in a blog.  I haven't even done the bit on stage, but neither has he.

Did I hack him?  He thinks I did.  I honestly don't think I did.  He was very rude about it.  :(

11:35 AM - 9 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

...

They came back for the other pumpkin.  Even without the stem.  I think they're trying to send me a message.

9:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

These Are The People In Your Neighborhood

Someone stole my pumpkin.  There were two of them.  But they only stole one.  Then they came back the next day and broke the stem off the other one.  But left the pumpkin.  The Mexicans hate me.

8:32 AM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

You’ve Read Most of This Before

It's just all together now in one big chunk.

I like living in Austin, but it's surrounded by parts of Texas that I never really want to venture into.  I stopped at this grocery store on the way to Austin back from Houston and I asked this cashier chick how far away I was.  Actually, she wasn't really my cashier because all the registers were self-checkout.  She was just the person who's job it was to stand there and make sure I'm not too much of a moron to work the self-checkout.  Those self-checkout things are not more convenient.  They're for people who are too embarrassed to buy condoms, tampons and pregnancy tests.

So, I ask this girl how far away I am and she says, "Um... Austin?  I think you have to drive like 30 more minutes until you start to get closer?"  Really?  What am I doing the first 30 minutes I'm driving, being sucked back in by the vacuum inside your head?  Read your Cosmo.

I read an issue of Cosmo once that had this "tip" for women.  It suggested putting a bar of soap in your panty drawer so your panties smell like soap.  Oh.  Soap?  How ingenious.  Isn't that what I just washed them in?  What is this tip for?  To save money?  To conserve water?  To meet men?  If you need something to make your panties smell like soap, I think I can tell you where you're going wrong.

So, I go to the bathroom at this store and see that someone neglected to flush the toilet.  I flush it, sit down, and realize far too late that they didn't forget.  It was backed up, and it began to fill while I was sitting on it.  What do you do when your ass is covered in someone else's "bid-ness?"  So, I run over to the soap dispenser and pull it, and foam comes out.  Not soap, but like soap that's already been suds for me.  Why?  I just had to check out my own groceries, but you're worried about me having to rub my hands together?  You know, the only thing more annoying than those self-checkout stations are the cashiers who always hand you your change with your coins on top of your bills.  Who keeps their coins in the same place as their bills?  You keep your bills in the little foldy part.  If you put your coins in there, they'll fall out all over the place. You've got your purchase in one hand, and you reach out for your change, and they give it to you all at once, and you gotta do that awkward sliding the coins into the coin part before you can open the part to put the bills in and usually you drop some on the floor and they all go rolling away, and you're scrambling all over like a retard trying to stop them and you know the person behind you is thinking, "what an asshole," but she gave me my coins on top of my bills!  What am I supposed to do?  I don't keep my coins and my bills together.  Do you keep your coins and your bills together?  I don't.  This is awkward for me. 

So, I'm giving myself a hooker bath in the bathroom at the grocery store when these two other chicks walk in and I'm horrified, and the only thing I can think to say is, "Um... the toilet was backed up."  Then, they look even more horrified and I realize that they think that I'm using the sink.  At that point, the only thing I could think to do was pretend to be a homeless person.  I was like, "Times are tough.  You got a dollar?"  And they were outta there.

4:09 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

She knocks another one outta the park!

I quit another job today.  It gets less exhilirating the older I get.  I am totally excited, in theory, because this means my weekends are free again.  So, bring on the gigs.  Ahem.  Yes, now.

11:11 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Stray Dog

No symbolism.  I took in a stray dog.  I cannot believe I took in a stray dog.  She was in desperate need of attention, and I took her to the vet and dropped $150 on her when I couldn't even afford Whataburger today.  Does anyone want a dog?  She is SO sweet, and I know everyone says that, but this dog is so sweet and well behaved.  She is leash trained and potty trained and very very loving.  She looks like she has a little bit of pit in her but definitely a lot of other things.

This couldn't have happened at a worse time.  If I still believed in kismit or karma or whatever, maybe I would say this happened at the best time. But no, pretty sure it's the worst.

If you can help, let me know.  I don't want money.  I want someone to take the dog.

8:56 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Waves of Change

When cashiers give you change, why do they always hand you your coins on top of your bills?  Who keeps their coins in the same place as their bills?  You keep your bills in the little foldy part.  If you put your coins in there, they'll fall out all over the place. You've got your purchase in one hand, and you reach out for your change, and they give it to you all at once, and you gotta do that awkward sliding the coins into coin part before you can open the part to put the bills in and usually you drop some on the floor and they all go rolling away, and you're scrambling all over like a retard trying to stop them and you know the person behind you is thinking, "what an asshole," but she gave me my change on top of my bills!  What am I supposed to do?  I don't keep my change and my bills together.  Do you keep your change and your bills together?  I don't.  This is awkward for me.  Could you please hand me my bills first and then my change?  THANK YOU.

1:07 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

7th grade project on Comedy

April 5, 2007 

Dear ____________________,

 We are in the seventh grade and we are doing a study on comedy in school. I'm sure you are an expert on the subject. Could you please answer this short questionnaire?  Please reply as soon as possible. We would love to hear your responses.

With our utmost sincerity,
Michael Hunter & Lucas Chao

1. How would you define humor and comedy?

3. What makes some things more funny than others?

I think the ability to find humor in an otherwise unfunny situation, like something sad or tragic can be very funny, but usually I find that what makes a "comic"  the funniest is their confidence in themselves and the strength of their presentation.

4. What is your favorite type of comedy?

Dark comedy or dry sarcasm.  Also, irony. 

5. What kind of audience do you prefer?

 An intelligent one. 

6. When and why did you choose to become a comedian?

I chose to be a comedian because after years of doing theatre I got tired of all the costumes and props and stage directions and other people telling me what to do.  The happiest I had ever been performing was in high school doing oral interpretation (speech events) where it was just me in front of a group of people performing something I had created myself.  For a long time I felt like there was no outlet for me like that in the adult world, and then one day it just came to me.  Duh, I'll be a comic.

7. Do you enjoy what you do? Why or why not?

I love what I do.  I love being my own boss, so to speak and being in control of what I do.  The hardest part is rejection, and when you first start out there's a lot of it.  The only way to get good is to just do it.  You can practice all you want, but you have to have a real audience to know if what you are doing is working, so in the beginning people are going to see you do bad, and that's really tough.  I don't deal with rejection well, and I've almost quit many times because of it.  But once you "get it" and you can make a whole room of people laugh together, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

8. How would you define your political stance?

Eek.  Really?  I wouldn't I guess.  I don't really agree with anyone.  Libertarian, maybe, if I had to pick.  If they ever become mainstream, they'll probably make me mad too.

9. Explain the importance of Anna Nicole Smith.

There is none.  I would say, "Don't do drugs," but you should know that already.

10. What is your credit card number? (Just kidding!)

 I would give it to you, but it's maxed out.  I'm a comic.  I'm broke.  Now go live your dreams.  ;)

9:05 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment