For those who read my blogs.....and those whose blogs I read..
Current mood: confident
Category: Life

I will be working a lot (4 twelve hour shifts a week) between now and September 15. I will then be going absent for awhile from all things work and internet realted. At least eight weeks...

(In that time I also get to go to Chorus Line with Sara (she gave me the ticket for my 49th B-day, and yea its my first 49th which may or may not coincide with my drivers license or the actual day I was premiered in this incarnation, this has nothing to do with anything but all that being said I am still talking in this tangent so back to the real story) .

 My current living situation makes computer access iffy at times so all that said...I won't be on Myspace after Saturday until late November.

I'll miss you all while on hiatus, many of you though cyber friends are an important part of my days. Others are localish and Renn friends who have seen much less of me this past year than usual but are like rain in my dessert (rain is the best!) and some are family (born and chosen)!

If you wish to keep updated for those who have my G-mail address that can be checked from my cell phone so I will still be available there. For those who don't but would like to stay in touch, email me here before Saturday this week and I'll add you to my Gmail contacts and pass you the secret words.

Most of all think happy thoughts. No news is good news. FBS has instructions to post here if there are significant changes in circumstances....

No worrying..

I have some new goals to accomplish...
I want to finish a triathalon, write another book and go to Antartica...so I'll be back.

Love and Hugs.
Will check my inbox between now and Saturday but until November, this is Cassandra Cutlass Crowfae signing off

Good Night and Good Luck.

Currently listening : Verdi - La Traviata / Sutherland, Pavarotti, Manuguerra, NPO, Bonynge By Giuseppe Verdi Release date: 1991-10-11

5:37 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

at least my children are here driving me crazy, or it could be worse...
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life

So however painful parenting has been for me and them, all the thems....it could have been worse, at least my children are all here driving me crazy and breaking my heart...

A friend of mine from the olden days, another mother who shared premature Mommification, has caught up with me recently through Facebook. Her son is currently in prison after pleading responsible to drug related murder charges. 

My sons are wonderful.

And for the other stuff...
absent money, roller coaster health, etc. in between the moments of uncertainty, fear, anger and grief (all appropriate emotions according to all the books on survivors) it is offset by the moments when
all
is
right
with the
world.

And yes I am still happy and LIFE IS STILL WORTH ALL THE TROUBLE.

Currently watching : Gilmore Girls - The Complete Third Season Release date: 2005-05-03

1:02 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Turning wheels, Things to do in Phix, Listening to rap and other unbelievable things....
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

I hung with friends today, friends who know me as nurse Joanne. Ok, no one who knows me doesn't know me as a little crazy, but truly these are the friends who know the post 2000 professional. But here I was feeling the wheel turn even as we sat there. I was about to watch a musical I first saw as it was in development--pre Broadway and today I saw it as a Dinner theater production post Broadway. Thats a whole rotation of the wheel.
     Which reminds me go see Broadway Arizona's production of Nunsense, really! Do yourself a favor...I myself have seen it five other times and was very glad I went, it was excellent. If like me you have seen it before you may notice this productions minor injections of age remover, and I loved most of the tweaks, except the "rush" was lost on our silver audience, give us aging flower children back the hash brownies.... The set and band were a perfect backdrop for the fund raising efforts of this unfortunate convent. And the voices well suited for the characters, choreography just busy enough with out being frantic and the production is funny where it means to be funny and poignant where it means to be moving. Not to let anyone think I have lost my professional critics edge...It started weak energetically, and the Love/hate relationship of the Mother Superior and Novice wrangler has been more convinciongly portrayed on other stages, also the interactions with the audience need more conviction.
However I promise it will be the best use of your dinner and a show money, why have bad soda, greasy popcorn and celluloid sameness when this gourmet dining and incredible live cast is available. As an added bonus a couple of the jokes and the most talented nun on stage may just be recognizable to a few of my Rennaissance friends.

As to listening to rap...I love Lupe Fiasco...
try it you'll like it

I am trying to get caught up on reading y'alls blogs...

just no reliable internet access at the moments....

next blog....sushi and burlesque

Currently listening : The Cool By Lupe Fiasco Release date: 2007-12-18

3:34 AM - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Judge not, whatever.....judge me please
Current mood: cooky/wacky
Category: Life

Since when did judgement get such a bad name?
Judge me foolish if I am about to enter an exit ramp
Judge me in need of your presence when the tears scramble my words

I do judge integrity as necessary

and compassion as the greatest of all attributes

and judge judgement itself as an attribute of wisdom I sometimes have and sometimes don't.

I forgive easily
love often

But judging an action as inappropriate
is not the same as judging you unworthy

 Love me, judge my actions and help me stay safe...
and for you I will do the same...

Currently listening : Nunsense II: The Second Coming (1993 Original Off-Broadway Cast) By Dan Goggin Release date: 1993-04-01

6:34 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Truly Perfect Birthday, just the birth of anything even insight is sometimes painful
Current mood: sad
Category: Life

So compassion is not a lesson learned when those I love, love me back.
The ability to hold peace, walk peace, live peace is not learned from meditation.
The divine connectedness to accept in love and see the goddess, the divine in another is not learned when another is behaving in a way that is congruent with my own belief system but when they declare me enemy, betray me or injure me whether intended or not.

Truly a perfect birthday.. Just discovered what I get to learn this year....

Currently listening : Robert Schumann: Kinderszenen/Kreisleriana Release date: 1990-10-25

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An almost perfect birthday....
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

So it started with Friday night and new friends and continued a perfect unbroken line of joy and love and celebration until I arrived at my place of residence tonite. A privacy lock like parents use to keep small children in had been added at the top of the door while I was away this week-end and it was on. I could not get into the house. First I tried the keys in the locks all kinds of different ways thinking I had somehow screwed up and thats why I couldn't get into my place of residence. I knocked and no one answered. I was starting to panic. My cell phone was dead I was tired I wanted to see my dog who was inside and I was locked out and I did not understand how or why. panic rising like vomit in my throat I knocked really loud, hurting my knuckles. My roomate's  car was in the driveway . Were they all out together somewhere and I stuck without a place to sleep? But I thought she was working. I had flashback visions of other times having no place to sleep locked out or abandoned. Finally my roomate came to the door in his underwear and let me into the house. Those locks can also be used when one wants to hide, sneak, lie and otherwise act stupidly. Months ago I had confronted him on his choices, I had been told that he was making better ones. My birthday present tonite was to not only have my ancient wounds activated by the inability for 20 minutes to get into the place that is supposed to be a"home" for me but to discover that these friends, so called "family" had systematically been lying, sneaking and manipulating me to cover up bad choices "so as not to hurt me" was the first reason given. Then I was told it was none of my business. I can only say that someone you love acting stupidly is frustrating, but to have people who supposedly love you actively work to make you disbelieve your own instincts, to lie constantly and repeatedly to you and then tell you you have no right to be hurt or angry.  I just wanted to disappear. My heart tonite is broken, as only a mothers heart can be. Makes me appreciate my belly button boys even more than ever. They may do many things I don't approve of, and may play down or obfiscate on choices they know would disappoint or wound me, but they don't sink to actively making a fool of me or decieving me. I don't know what my next move is. Probably more sleep and then try and forgive what they have told me they don't feel the least bit sorry for doing...and I do think it is past time to be moving..

anyway right this minute, on top of all the other things the universe has asked me to existentially cope with, I feel beaten. I

I want to go far away where I don't have to have my psyche beaten up by others pain bodies, where I don't have to watch those I care about self-destruct and repel any offer of assistance with venom; where i am alone not lonely....

but then a text, a phone call, and some of the hysteria calms...

there are constants out there...love that is reliable

I will focus there tonite and go and get some sleep.

Currently listening : Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) By Stephen Schwartz Release date: 2003-12-16

8:27 AM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Three Haiku on Friday on Saturday
Current mood: pirate
Category: Writing and Poetry

Southwest Summer Storm
           Gaea's gown of green
Skims red rock shoulders, granite knees;
                  Lips sip monsoon tea.

Another Cancer Morning
            Pain speaks survival
Meditation speaks freedom
           Coffee, stretch, smile, breathe.

 What to Wish on My Candles

      Birthday speculation
Love, riches, travel, my youth?
           Everything I have.


Ok say just a little more proof that Haiku is not my forte, but there are no failures in life, just practices......

Off to get all pirate and purty for midway to Faire party.....rum here I come!!!!!!       

Currently reading : Long Way Down: An Epic Journey by Motorcycle from Scotland to South Africa By Ewan McGregor

5:05 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

To all those I love, but more especially to all those who love me....
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life

Another year crawls round for me and another 39th birthday fast approaches
Maybe I'll make it my 49th this year just for fun
and closer proximity to believable
The last few months have aged me more than the last few years
But here I still am to joke about the short choppy hair and
Blueberry round face and body
and to turn 39, oops I think I said I'd make it 49
again.

Time to take stock of what I've learned
except I don't think I've really learned anything this year
except that my faith is shakeable
and too much listening to doctors isn't good for me
and life never turns out the way I planned or thought or hoped it would
but it always turns out better than dreamed.
No I guess I have learned one thing
I've learned that I may not have a "lover" or a "home"
but I am loved far, far , far beyond anything I ever could deserve
and I am at home in your smiles, your hugs, in shared music, laughter and tears.

Thanks then for my friends
 and my sons
My sons: for snakes and snails and puppy dog tails
All the things that boys are made of
maybe not snakes, well OK, from a distance snakes
invisibly playing their part in the circle of life and all
but not hissing all fang faced near me....
(besides my sons are not boys now but wonderful men
who are working their own way through this maze of adult existence)
So thanks for my sons who are alive, and intelligent and compassionate
and thanks for friends and for their love
cause the boys and my friends are  the Reason that when I was about to give up, I tried just one more thing...
and dagnabbit if thats not the one that seems to be working....

I truly did not believe I would see this birthday
There is a line in "Rent" that goes
"because reason says I should've died three years ago
no other road, no other way, no day but today"
I'm still not ready to buy green bananas quite yet
And I am continuing to place in their new forever homes a few special things that I would not want lost, or thrown out, or mistreated
but something has shifted
and here I am today
wishing that I could have a big party like Bilbo and give you each something that truly represented your importance in my life

But I guess I'll just write this birthday skree and hope some of you read it and know how much your friendship and love and support and just your existence has meant to me

Thank-you to my son's and their spouses that make time to spend your precious hours off with me, even though our interests are sooo very different. For Buffy episodes and Apples to Apples games and trips to Build-a-bear and Scrabble and salads, thanks sons for not being ashamed of me no matter how embarrassing I can sometimes be. Its becaue of you I am still here.

Thank-you to always at my side best friends like Sara and Ann and Alan. You are my soul siblings and I could not be half as strong or half as happy without your support and senses of humor. Its because of you I am still smiling.

And thank you to all my spirit cousins my pagan family, especially  Regina and Amanda and my Renn family whose names would take up half a page so I'll just say if you are a Rennie and reading this you know I mean you! Its because of you I remember who I am.

And my work family where for a thankful 36 hours out of the week its not at all about me or my illness...you are what inspire me to keep learning and growing..to ever be half the medical professional of those I work with..I can only dream (Cathy this still includes you!)

 And then to those poets and writers here that I have never yet met face to face like Carolyn  and Rosemary my Dragonstar Haiku, or the professionals like Charles de Lint or Jeri Smith-Ready. Your words are the seperate world I step into away from the medicine smell and the tubes and the oh so helpful poisons pumping into my veins.  I  could not have done this year without you. Its because of you I can forget at times what needs to be forgotten.

And finally  thank you to the music in my life and  first on that list is  you Gil, you and that coyote chorus are my "meditation place" so first thanks to you and then to all my other musician friends, living ones and dead ones, some who are on Myspace and even know I exist and many more who don't...(just cause i have a picture with Queensryche doesn't mean they have a clue who I am). You are the music, my breath. So thank you

Thank you all....

If you are reading this now that I have a closed blog then you know you fit somewhere in the categories above or overlap through a few of them.

But thank you for another Birthday...
I am so grateful

still haven't really learned anything though
so maybe this year.....

Currently listening : Rent (1996 Original Broadway Cast) By Jeff Potter Release date: 1996-08-27

3:33 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Update of update
Current mood: jedi
Category: Life

2nd procedure out of the way two more to go and then a little high intensity tanning will be in order....thanks for all the well wishes and love...

the crow is no longer sitting on my shoulder and hope is growing......

but I hurts a bits so back to bed....

maybe a real post will occur sometime next week.

Currently listening : The Neil Diamond Collection By Neil Diamond Release date: 1999-11-23

12:24 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fast Health Update
Current mood: rebellious
Category: Life

So I had a little work done yesterday morning...a little slice and dice...necessary and productive which went well....

My goal guys and gals is to get to a place where I am once again going to school, playing hard and all this behind me...

However, that sense of "doom" that thas been following me around for awhile was also well placed. I have not been able to shake it. During the procedure, I had a serious allergic reaction, think BP about half of normal and some arrythmia and loss of consciousness. A little epinephrine and steroids to go and Thankfully a little premedication with Benadryl and quick work on the part of the medical professionals and I am here to whine about feeling groggy, in pain and whiny about having to rest with only large red welts all over my body to show for it. Something about Ig incompatibility in the transfusion. Sorry I know I should know more but I don't. I also did  not want to stay all night  and  got released to stay with a friend
 Even though I almost left AMA and then ditched my babysitter about 12 hours early,  I really am taking care of myself. I would soooo hate to have me for a patient. i am soooo non-compliant!

Loves you all and now back to bed!!!

Currently listening : Sound Body, Sound Mind: Music for Healing By Andrew Weil Release date: 2005-05-24

9:19 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment