Chicken Little Says...
Current mood: determined
Category: Writing and Poetry

Shrewd and shrill,
blood thirsty demons abound
Sudden slaughter
of innocent life
The rocks bear witness
to the deeds of darkness
The ground, rampid with fire
burdened with dense smoke
Scavengers pluck the flesh
off bones of men, women
...and children!
What price has been paid
for the sins of the wicked
Who treats human life
as equal to insects
Who shall fathom
the great evil to come
If truly these are the Latter Days
The Times of Jacob's Trouble
unequalled horror and terror
Death, war, famine...disease
to shackle us with many chains
Are the Four Horsemen riding
or just gearing up
Chicken Little says,
"The Sky is Falling!"
And I challenge all...
to re-examine thier
"Picture of Jesus"
He comes to Avenge!!!
in the End...
every knee shall Bow
AMEN

Currently listening : Evil Empire By Rage Against the Machine Release date: 1996-04-16

4:01 AM - 9 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

They say a picture is worth a 1000 words...
Current mood: breezy
Category: Writing and Poetry

I stare delirious at the fluff

He has her head

Diamond Goddess whispers

go and see

She will crush

yet so does He

Manipulate me

sweet wanting

Playing with my

languid language

Picture me moaning

please...

He fingers vision

blood boiling

Must have his...

NO!

Never eat in the garden

Shaking frantickly, we trudge

behind eternity

After Him above

Currently listening : The Natch'l Blues By Taj Mahal Release date: 2000-09-05

10:39 AM - 16 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

My Man
Current mood: blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

As many boys as there are

lovely and tantilizing as they be

There ain't a cat the world over

that can top my Daddy's swing

Damn straight baby, your the King!

My Hipster Super Freak

I Love You Sexy Thing!

Anything you wish...

anyway you please

I'm your girl, Love

you got me on my knees

Just one thing I request

why don't you come on over

Smack me up a Kiss!

Currently listening : There Will Be a Light By Ben Harper & the Blind Boys of Alabama Release date: 2004-09-21

7:06 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Uphoric Dream
Current mood: sassy
Category: Writing and Poetry

on a moonlight trip

the rose bares her true shadow

I want to sleep near you

sweat may we dream

your tongue my peach

delicate winter purple forest

lust like iron

I lick->suck->(bang)->fuck

mad enormous sausage

drunk on bitter juice

how in the essential moment

you soar beneath

my hot breast

LOVE

the flood of elaborate

LIFE MUSIC

into you I run

cool as Spring

swim lazy in the sea of

URGE

beautiful gift you are to me

RAW HONEY

luscious chocolate

symphony crying love

into the void

together will we...

Currently listening : Moondance By Van Morrison Release date: 1990-10-25

12:02 AM - 14 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

My Dearest Darling
Category: Writing and Poetry

Over the hills and far away...

but, in my dreams we'll always stay

nose to nose

chest to chest

hips to hips

toe to toe

hand in hand

forever young

forever free

forever, my love

will you and I be

Sweet Life my Brother!

Come what may

under the sun

but, in my heart

we shall beat as one

Have I ever told you

that I love you?

Currently listening : One Nation Under a Groove By Funkadelic Release date: 2003-02-04

9:24 PM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

SMACK
Current mood: aroused
Category: Writing and Poetry

2 black eyes

and a whiskey dick

boy hadn't showered

in atleast a week

dank ass sexy

all up in your shit

what's up girl

wanna get with it

crack smokein' whore

gonna suck that shit

sleezy, sleezy!!

a little too easy

to lose myself...

in that thing

you do!

oh fuck, can't resist

boy's got me hotter

than red lipstick

his lady's bangin'

bet she's a hard hit

all ass and tits

ya, I see that shit

what's that you say

you'll do what for a twenty

really...

oh smack!

won't touch that shit

but, I'd like to get to know ya anyway

8:49 AM - 14 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

The Son of God Shines Upon the son of man
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

The following is a true story.  I will substitute the names of the living for there inherent meaning.  Forgive me for not editing or spacing correctly.   I can only tell my story if I just write... 

Gracious Gift and I met in high school.  The first time I saw him, I had the sensation that, thou I felt like a lost little girl all of my life, I had found my way home.  After high school he moved us from California to Utah.  I became the fortunate Manager of an Antiques Store.  He worked as a skilled Custom Carpenter.  Six years into our relationship, and the party scene that had accompanied it, Gracious Gift and I found ourselves in declining health.  He decided that we would return to California.  Gracious Gift became a full time Music Student.  I took a meger job for minimum wage.  Gracious Gift had always been very careful not to get me pregnant.  This was hard on me, as I greatly desired a child.  I had been praying for children ever since I was a child myself.  Upon our return to Cali. something changed in our relationship.  We didn't talk about it.  But, Gracious Gift began giving himself entirely to me as we made love.  It was very soon after that I was with child.  I can remember the  exact moment that I conceived.  I felt it.  Something miraculous had occured within me and the Lord was present.  Then the dreams began.  I would dream of myself holding a male child up to the heavens.  The dreams were very calm.  In them, Gracious Gift, myself and the boy were on the beach.  I could hear the rythmn of the ocean and there was great peace.  When I told Gracious Gift that I was pregnant, he said that he knew.  I had cleaned up my lifestyle severall months earlier and was strictly adhearing to a very pure diet.  It was a wonderful time.  We were very happy.  Gracious Gift was certain that we were having a boy.  He did not want proof.  The Lord had led us to our son's name.  Zephaniah: Protected by God and Amadeus: Lover of God.  Gracious Gift's mother and my father were concerned about us welcoming a child out of wed-lock.  So, we ended up having a kind of shotgun wedding at the Justice of the Peace when I was eight months along.  I had spent less than $20.00 on my wedding day.  My father paid for the license.  We were very poor.  It didn't matter at all to us.  We could not afford a honeymoon.  Neither of us really cared.  We had eachother and our child on the way.  The pregnancy was flawless.  I felt very close to the Lord.  I felt that the Lord was very near to my child.  I carried the baby for two weeks past due.  Refusing sugical intervention, I labored for forty-two hours.  After forty-five min. of intense pushing, Zephaniah was born.  He was very alert and held his own head up to look around at his welcomers.  The birth had been perfect, no tear or anything else went wrong.  Zephan's health was immaculate.  He did have a unusual thing going on with his left eyelid.  It would open long after he awoke and always closed long before the other when he feel asleep.  So, he often had the appearance of winking at us.  Despite our poverty, Zephan lacked for nothing.  Our families had come together to provide for all of his needs.  This was honestly the happiest time of my life.  I legitimately belonged to the very man I had asked God for seven years prior.  He had deliberately given me his son.  This had been my lifelong dream.  To be in love with, and to be loved by the man of my choosing.  To be a wife and a mother.  I had worked full time + through the pregnancy but, stayed at home as long as possible after Zephan arrived.  When the boy was 4 months young, I needed to return to work to help out monetarily.  Zephan had been a very mellow, incredibly joyful, EASY baby, up untill I went back to work.  He protested immediately.  He would refuse nourishment and the comforting of Gracious Gift while I was away.  Zephan would cry almost the whole time.  (6-8 hours)  Gracious Gift would really struggle to calm him and help him to fall asleep.  Everyone and everything I read said that this pass in about a month.  It didn't.  A month and a 1/2 passed with no change.  We weren't sure how we would pay the bills, but it was obvious that Zephan needed me at home.  So, I turned in a two week notice.  Gracious Gift had told me to just quit.  But, I had never left a job without honoring a notice.  I told myself that Zephan would be alright for two more weeks.  He was healthy.  The Pediatrician had always said he was thriving.  Zephan was in the 95th percentile.  My last day of work would have been Sat. April 13th, 2002.  On Thurs. night about 2:00 AM I had awoken from my rest with a heavy grievous heart.  I began to weep.  My thoughts turned toward my Nana who had lost her Faith when her son, Peter, had died suddenly in his sleep.  I began to pray for her salvation.  I prayed that she would let go of her anger toward God and come to know that He had not betrayed her.  I prayed that she would make her peace with God so that her spirit could be free.  The Lord told me that He understood her anger and every other emotion and thought.  He spoke to me quietly about how He had turned his own face as His only Son's body died.  He asked me what I would do if it were my son.  I like to imagine myself a faithful Christian, so even thou I did not take the question seriously, I told the Lord that if anything happened to my son, I would cling unto the Lord with all of my heart and strength.  That my Faith would be all I would have left.  I felt scared for a moment.  It seemed like a dangerous prayer.  But, it was late.  Perhaps, I had not heard from the Lord.  Maybe, I had imagined the whole thing.  Just to be safe, I prayed a hedge of protection over Zephaniah.  Surely, no harm would come to him.  His name, after all, meant protected by God.  I slept with Zephaniah close to my breast for the rest of the night.  In the morning I put the conversation out of my mind.  As usual, the day was wonderful and very normal.  Right up until I began to get ready for work.  Normally, Zephan would begin to fuss when he saw me getting ready to leave.  This day, he did not.  Normally, he would cry as I walked out the door.  This day, he just very quietly fell asleep in the arms of Gracious Gift.  As I began to leave, something pulled at my heart.  I felt stuck in the doorway.  I turned and looked back for a long time.  Gracious Gift asked me what I was doing and if I was leaving.  I told him that I did not want to go.  He said that I didn't have to.  I disagreed.  People were counting on me.  I was not the type to leave anyone hanging, especially with work.  I had only two shifts remaining.  Then I would be with Zephan all the time.  "So go," Gracious Gift said.  Even thou I was already running late, it was really hard to leave.  As I walked down the stairs of the apartment complex, a sadness fell on me.  I remember praying all the way to work.  I didn't know what to pray for, so I spoke in tongues.  That night we were all kept late at work.  Everyone was complaining.  I was anxious to leave.  Particularly around midnight.  I kept checking my watch and asking if we could go home.  It was around 1:00 AM that we were all finally dismissed and clocked out.  Feeling hurried, I drove faster than usual on my way home.  I remember that, strangely, the night seemed especially black.  The closer I got to home, the darker it felt.  As I drove past the Hospital a fear gripped me and I prayed that the Angel of the Lord would surround me.  As I pulled into the driveway to our apartments, I saw Police cars.  An Officer approached my VW.  "Are you Song of Joy," he asked.  My stomach knotted.  Why did he know my name, I wondered.  "Yes," I answered.  He calmly told me that my son had fallen ill.  He said that my husband had rode with him in an ambulance to the nearest Hospital.  He said the boy had been admitted to the Emergency Room.  "How could he have fallen ill?  He was just fine.  Does he have a fever," I asked.  He had no answers.  He seemed to be shaking his head "no".  The Officer excused himself for a moment.  When he returned he asked if I needed a ride to the Hospital.  I thought that was odd.  Why wouldn't I be able to drive myself.  I assured the gentle Officer that I was fine to drive.  He had two Police cars accompany me.  One in front, one in back.  The lights were flashing, thou the sirens were off.  The closer I got to the hospital, the sicker I felt.  Something was very wrong.  I was terrified.  Feeling that I might begin to panic, I prayed in tongues the whole way.  A spiritual calm came about me in my distress.  As I stepped out of my car, there was a strang sensation in my legs.  I couldn't feel myself walking.  The Lord was guiding me.  It felt sort of like a slow motion hydro-plane.  The Lord led me to a room where I found my nearest in-laws holding each other and crying.  Gracious Gift had his hands over his face.  There were tear drops splashing off of his shoes.  I could not pull his hands away from his face.  He was weaping in deep anguish and saying over and over, "I am so sorry."  I tried to comfort him.  He could not accept.  I kept asking, "what was wrong?  What had happened?  Was Zephaniah alright?  Could I see him?"  No one spoke a word.  Finally, a nurse said she would ask the Docter if it was alright for me to see him.  When she returned, she linked her arm in mine.  She said she would take me to him.  She had pulled my body weight onto her shoulder and was "helping" me down the hall.  I wondered why.  She said, "Do you understand what is happening?"  It was then that I did.  The revelation came in an instant.  I heard myself say, "Yes.  I understand that my son is not here."  She turned the corner and led me to him.  There he was, but he was not.  A Docter came in to tell me that they had done all they could.  He said that Zephaniah had suffocated in his sleep.  He told me that my husband and the baby had both been asleep.  He said that Gracious Gift had awoken around midnight and found the baby not breathing.  Gracious Gift had performed CPR and because Zephan had opened his eyes, he had thought the baby might be alright.  He thought that the baby had begun to breath again, but the Docter said, that was only Gracious Gift's own air.  The Docter went on to explain that even if they could bring him back, Zephan would likely be brain dead.  He told me that a baby of that age (days away from 6 months) will lose consciousness in 15 seconds if thier oxygen is interferred with.  He said after 45 seconds they are gone.  He told me that Zephan had died in my bed.  He had suffocated in the small space between the mattress and the wall.  I asked if Zephan had suffered and if he had felt any pain.  He explained that axfixiation is extremely painful for an adult or even a child, but that they think a baby goes so quickly, if they are sleeping, they may not even be aware of what happened.  Tears fell in great streams down my face.  My whole body hurt.  Milk began to gush from my breasts and soak through my clothes.  I remember thinking that the Lord was going to perform a miracle.  That He would raise my son from the dead.  That everyone would witness a Divine Miracle and the Awesome Power of my God.  After the Docter left the room, I began to whisper in Zephan's ears.  "You can breath baby.  You can breath in Jesus name."  It was then that the Spirit of the Lord was so close to me, I could almost see Him.  Visibly, there was nothing there, and yet something at the same time.  He was powerfully present.  He spoke gently, lovinly, sympathetically.  "No, my Child.  He is with me.  He will not come back to you.  One day you will return to him."  "OK, " I said in silence.  I accepted it.  I laid my cheek upon my son's cheek and kissed him good-bye.  So, began a very arduous and painful process of learning to live without him.  I had lost Zephaniah.  I could not change that.  But, I also could not bear to lose being a mother too.  I asked the Lord for another child.  I was not having periods at the time.  I begged God not to let a period come.  He didn't.  The very first egg that dropped is that of my daughter, Delightful and Pleasing.  Zephaniah had died April 12th.  I was pregnant in June.  At Zephaniah's memorial two people (one old and one young) gave thier lives to Christ.  My Nana told me that she was praying for me.  She was speaking to God...what a wonderful gift to know that.  My whole life, I had dreamed of having both sides of my family together.  (My parents had seperated when I was one.)  Thou, the circumstance was terribly undesirable, what a special moment it was, when they all came together.  I was able to donate Zephaniah's eyes to two babies from somewhere in the US.  They had been on a waiting list for transplants as each was suffering with Coronal Blindness (sp?) in one eye.  (Interesting, that thou Zephan's vision was unimpaired, he had only used one eye much of the time.)  The transplants were both successful.  This helped to ease my burden.  The donation bank had a myraid of questions for me.  They explained that an infants immune system is immature.  (Which I knew)  I was told that Zephaniah had a higher blood cell count than this woman I spoke with was accustom to seeing in any age group.  She said his health and blood were near perfect.  She wanted to know if I might be able to help her understand why this might be.  I shared my Faith with her.  I also told her that Zephan was not vaccinated and that he was exclusively breast-fed.  Basically, what I thought she was looking at was undamaged blood.  (Most babies experience a reduced rate of T-cell production when vaccines are introduced.  Especially males)  The healing process of my grief would prove to be long and hard.  But, the Lord has been right here with me each and every step of the way.  In the early days of mourning, the Lord carried me.  He would help me to get out of bed, to take nourishment.  He would ask me to Praise Him.  I didn't always feel like it, but I did.  I would open up all the windows of my apartment and sing unto the Lord with all my might.  As I would sing, the Holy Spirit would fall upon me.  The pain would ease and the Peace of God would wash over me.  This would not make much sense to am unbeliever, but that is God's Grace.  His mercy never fails, His Love perseveres all things.  I would sometimes see my neighbors stop and look up at my window.  They all knew my son was dead.  And there I was, Praising God.  It was a miraculous time.  It was not me, or my own strength, but God's.  This is my ministry, to share with others the comfort I myself have received.  When Zephaniah had been three months young, Gracious Gift and I had dedicated him to the Lord.  The verse we had choosen for him was Zephaniah 3:17.  "The Lord your God is with you.  He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with His love.  He will rejoice over you with singing."  It is estimated that between 50-75 % of marriages, where-in a child dies, result in divorce.  Gracious Gift and I have been together for 14+ years now.  We are every bit as comitted and in love as we ever were.  We are best friends.  Our youngest daughter, Calm and Serene, (who was not planned, but a gift resulting from one passionate moment) has the very same eyes as our son had.  I believe that in his short and powerful life, our son (through God) transformed my husband and I for the better.  (We are still very poor.  And still do not care.  For us, love has always been enough.  We lack for nothing of great relevance.)  So, I can say to you, with full assurance of Faith, know the Lord.  Cling to Him.  He will not fail you.  He will guide you in the way you should go.  Your life is in the palm of His hand.  He loves you like no other.  May His Grace and Peace be with you all the days of your life.                         

Currently listening : By the Way By Red Hot Chili Peppers Release date: 2002-07-09

9:39 PM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Old World and the Seed
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

let words be few

and laughter abundant

let us bind up anger, stress and srtife

let us loosen love, good feelings through the night

let us let go of the guilt and the blame

let us forget condemnation and shame

let us rejoice, dance and sing

I'll bring my voice, you your 12 string

let us connect again and again

copulate and cultivate a fertile living stream

to water the garden of offering

a tithe of gladness

a sacrament of nurturing

let us rise above the coruption and the greed

let us give life

to the old world and the seed

Currently listening : Live at the Greek By Jimmy Page & The Black Crowes Release date: 2000-07-04

2:34 AM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

If God is Dead...
Category: Life

When I was 14 years old, I hung myself.  Many people don't know that about me.  Thou, there have been a few.  Everything up to that point had played a role in my arriving at that moment of hopelessness.  For one thing, I was taken from the safety and love of  my Mother's bossom, at the tender age of 5.  The event stole something from me that I could not fully identify or realize.  But, it was gone and I was devastated.  I began having violent and painful nightmares.  By painful, I mean that while I drempt, I was in pain.  And when I awoke, I would physically ache with a great sickness in my stomach.  As thou someone had been punching me in my sleep.  I visualized this person in my dreams as a man.  A face I did not know.  My "new" mother cared for me with all the loving kindness a heart could hold.  But, it did not soothe the pain.  It was explained to me throughout the course of my childhood why this had occured.  But, it never made any sense to me.  A few short years later, for reasons I was also too young to really appreciate, my new mom, mama 2, would leave my father.  For the first time in my life, my dad took care of me.  I was 7 or 8.  I had always been in love with my father.  I adored the gleam in his eye.  The way he smiled at me.  He felt familiar, even thou he was kind of a stranger much of the time before.  I remember he would work, come home, eat dinner with us and then go to the garage.  He has been in his present, and I believe, last marriage for 27 years now.  He still lives just this way.  Only now, praise God the drugs and alcohol are gone.  But, at this time, he had to take care of me.  And I was in heaven!  I remember him blow drying and brushing my hair for school.  He would say, "I don't really know how to do this.  But, I'll do my best."  It was perfect.  He was so sweet.  I loved him, even thou I blamed him for taking me away from my mom.  Then he got a maid, who cared for me.  And later another "new mom".  I did not love her.  I did not like her.  In fact, I hated her with all the anger my spirit could muster from the moment I first saw her.  At 8 years old, I was no dummy.  I knew what was going on and I did not like it.  I did not understand things about a father's role to provide for a family.  Nor did I understand a man's need to be with a woman.  (in some cases)  I only understood that he had taken me from my own mother to pass me off to another I did not ask for.  I burned with a deep feeling of having been wronged.  This would continue up about to the age of 23.  But back to 8 and the hatred.  Then there was the protest that continued for years and nearly broke up the new marriage.  Until finally at 14 I was permitted, actually sugested by "Athorities", to move out.  So, what finally pushed me over the edge?  I was pretty.  I was somewhat popular, always more with the boys but, with the "important" girls too.  (I hated that there was apecking order.  We were all important.)  I was an Honor Roll Student.  I was on the Deans List.  I sang in Choir.  I was a cheerleader.  I had a great life outside of home.  But, my home, thou filled with love I could not accept, was a bitter place of mourning for me.  Anyway, I was also in love.  I had fallen in love with Andreas Henrickson the first time I saw him in the fifth grade.  I was 10, he was 8.  I had given every bit of my heart and soul to him.  We were always on and off again "going out".  I always preserved my virginity for him.  That was known.  Then out of the blue he fucked H****** S******, a new girl.  Not so pretty.  Not exceptionally smart.  Not very popular.  But, OK she had a smokin' hot body.  Tits, ass...ya I couldn't not see that.  She was nice and funny, too.  I was so tiny.  I was 5'2', 82 lbs., training bra  size XS!  No hips, small ass, amazing core!  I won fitness awards for PE.  I was the top of the perimid in Cheerleading.  (Low self-esteem, huge ego.)  I never saw this coming.  I decided to committ suicide.  (Ya, I know a tad dramatic.  What can I say, I was young and heartbroken.)  I went around the house and all through the garage and collected every fatally toxic, flamable material I could gather and locked myself in the bathroom.  I proceeded to make a "drink" which was a gaseous smoldering smoke that burned my nostrils, throat and lungs.  I was unable to drink it, but remained in the bathroom for some time.  At some point my oldest brother had to piss and heard me gasping to breath, sobbing and singing.  What was I singing ?  Oh I don't remember, some kind of "I will always love you", long hair boy band song.  Probably something by Bon Jovi.  My father came to my rescue.  He tore the door off the wall and rushed in to save me.  My step mom said I was only trying to get attention and not to give it to me.  She was right.  I desperately needed to feel loved.  I didn't.  I felt love with my mother and with Andreas.  No one in the family was told about the incident to my knowledge.  Shortly after that, while swimming at the local pool, my virginity was taken away from me by a young adult stranger.  It was in that moment that I lost my faith in God.  I had not grown up in Church.  However, I had asked Jesus into my heart on my own notion at the age of 5, just before I was taken from my mother.  Thou, I did not know the Bible, or it's teachings.  I did always know my Lord.  But, in that moment, as it unfolded, in its horror I burned with hatred toward God for making me a female.  I remember hearing this "verse" or partial verse in my mind saying, "for God saw that Adam was alone and lonely.  Thus He made him a woman.  Out of his own side He made her."  I felt so used, so abandoned.  I could not accept that I had been created for a man's pleasure.  This young man latter said he didn't realize how young I was.  About half way through the incident, he had realized that I was a virgin.  This only seemed to further excite him.  As thou he was really going to teach me something.  He ordered me around in a variety of positions.  I said nothing.  The whole time I said nothing.  I was humiliated and terrified.  I dug my fingernails as deeply into his flesh as I could.  I wanted to hurt him.  I refused to look at him.  I hated him.  He was scared to death when it was over and he realized what he had done.  He told me not to tell anyone.  I didn't want to see him go to jail.  I told my older brother and made him swear not to tell a soul.  He didn't.  Thou, it had taken me a major effort to convince him not to shoot the guy.  Or at least beat the crap out of him.  For some odd reason I defended him.  "It was my fault," I said.  I had worn the bikini I was forbidden to wear.  I had left the pool area to see the boys room.  (He was a new life gaurd at the pool.  The owners nephew.   I was naive.)  I had left my younger brother behind at the pool by himself.  I was afraid of getting in trouble.  I was always in trouble!  He tried to persuade me that he had fallen in love with me.  He would tell me to sneek over to his room in the night.  It was about a mile.  We lived near where Wild Cyotes roamed the night and I would pass through them on the way.  He never even meet me half way.  He never walked me home.  He always took advantage of me and it always HURT.  About a week or so passed, more or less, I do not know.  Then I got into an arguement with my step mom.  She left the house.  I decided to hang myself.  Just like that.  I didn't really think much about it.  My life was a hell.  (Or so it seemed)  I couldn't bear it anymore.  I got my jump rope and went out to the back porch.  The Lord spoke to me.  "What if you don't die?"  "Of corse I am going to die.  I am hanging myself.," I replied in silence.  "But, what if you don't die," he asked again?  I thought about it.  Well, I wouldn't want to be stuck up in the tree if I don't die.  I kew the Lord's voice.  He had spoken to me before.  Once when I was much younger, I had french kissed one of my younger brothers.  The Lord told me about incest and I stopped immediately.  I had never heard that word before, but I understood it as He spoke, almost silently, in a strange way.  I remember being so shocked to really realize He was always aware of what I was doing.  So anyway, back to the hanging, I went inside and grabbed the kitchen scissors.  Then I climbed up onto my balcony and proceeded to string my rope up in the tree.  I didn't really know how to tie a noose, but I did my best.  I said a prayer for forgiveness and then jumped off.  I don't know how long I swang for.  I hit the tree really hard and repeatedly.  It was some type of bark that splinters these fiberglass like splinters.  They stung all up and down my arms and legs.  I spun around as I hit.  I hit, over and over.  The blood was cut off from my neck up immediately.  The pressure was enormous.  I felt like my head was going to explode.  I was gasping for air and very slowly suffocating.  Then I saw my shadow and the scissors.  Oh...tearing up now, the scissors...my Lord.  I began to cut myself down.  When I fell, the wind was knocked out of me.  I passed out for a moment.  I awoke to the dog licking my face.  Nothing was broken.  Why am I all wet?  I went very slowly, painfully back to house.  I called my best friend.  Speechless, I sobbed in a quite whisper of agony.  She new it was me.  She came to my rescue.  She was able to cut the rope off.  My face was a purplish black.  The rope had sunk deep into the flesh of my neck.  She said I smelled like pee.  I didn't smell it.  She changed my clothes and took me back to her house.  I could barely move.  Oh wait, back up.  Her brother carried me, I remember that now.  Her brother laid me in his bed while she called her mom.  The Paramedics came, and the Fire Department.  I was transfered on a gurny after answering some questions.  I had tried to assure everyone that I was fine.  No one believed me, of course.  I was taken to the hosital for X-rays.  Once everyone had determined that I was going to be alright, I was arrested.  They said it was against the law to commit suicide.  Who knows if that is true.  But, I was shackled and transported to San Bernardino and held restrained to a chair until late that evening.  I was not allowed to pee.  There was a cell full of men, who were apparently intoxicated and making all sorts of remarks to me.  After that I was transfered across the street to the County Ward B Hospital (for "crazies")  for evaluation.  After being held in the Adult holding area for a lengthy and un-nerving amount of time, I was moved to the adolesant unit.  I was held for 72 hours before the State recommended I live else where in the family.  Many of my extended family members were not told about the incident.  There was some concern that someone else might try to follow suit.  For a long time after that, I was unable to really love a male.  Unable to believe that any might really love me.  Unable to trust, even when I wanted to.  I became somewhat permiscueous and emotionally unavailable.  I became a quite girl.  It grieved me deeply to hurt someone.  And I did, most regrettably, hurt severall young boys who came along.  But, eventually I was able to give again.  And to receive from a man.  To trust, to love.  To see everything from a different perspective.  To forgive.  Intially, of course, I fell for someone who would take pleasure in hurting me.  (It was what I had learned at that point)  But, in time, I was able to discover what love truly is.  And, what it isn't.  (By God's grace of course.)  And, after a stint of Atheism and a phase of Agnostisism, I was able to return to my Lord.  Who, never, for one moment, left my side.  In my life He has revealed Himself to me,  again and again.  Sometimes stood so close, thou I did not see Him, I felt Him.  Often times, He touches my face when I am in worship.  A tingling numbness spreads over my lips to my checks and up over the top of my head.  (Stronger than any orgasim or drug I ever took.)  He gave me dreams to prepare me for my son's passing, thou I did not recognize it at the time.  He has  carried me through many days.  He has healed me of so much, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Taught me to love and honor my parents, all of them.  Helped me to realize that I needed forgiveness.  He has performed miracles on my oldest daughter right in front of my eyes.  Delivered my youngest daughter practically for me, against  all the Docters advice.  So, I wonder, "if God is dead, who is this living in my soul?" 

Peace,

CC

Currently listening : East/West By Bill Frisell Release date: 2005-08-09

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Echo in the Dark
Category: Writing and Poetry

(I wrote this for my youngest brother after not seeing him for some time.  He appeared at my doorstep shortly thereafter.)

Hey brother, how the hell are you?  It'll be six years this next September.  Thou, I've carried you with me.  Through the days gone by.  Not unlike a thorn in my side.  Remembering...remembering...remembering the time...Somehow it feels like yesterday and yet seems a lifetime beyond today.  The words I spoke came so easy and echo in the dark within me.  Now a world apart.  Strangers in a way.  If that were possible.  But, still I feel I know you.  Dawn lit the morning dew.  A rooster crows.  The donkeys screw.  My heart, it pounds deep in my chest.  I dreampt of you, deep in my rest.-CC

Currently listening : Left to His Own Devices By Vic Chesnutt Release date: 2001-04-24

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